Emily opened her eyes when she felt Steve's hand twitch in hers. The late afternoon light peeked in around the blinds and she let out an involuntary groan - she'd been just about to fall asleep. Between Steve's jerky movements, the nurses coming in to check on him, Dr. Spires doing her rounds, and sitting with Carter she'd barely rested all day. Her vision was blurry from tiredness and not having her glasses, but she could see that his eyebrows were furrowed and he was grimacing.
"Mon coeur?" she said, sitting up from her reclining chair. His grip tightened as she pulled back her hand in preparation to stand. Sighing, she scooted closer and moved to sit beside him on the bed, using her free hand to stroke the hair from his face. Em frowned when she felt the sweat on his brow and noted that the swelling around his eye had lessened and the cuts on his lip healed over. Now it appeared that his body was taking advantage of him fully resting to work on some of his bigger injuries.
He'd struggled to stay awake all day, watching the news between naps and giving her bits of information about being on the run for the last few days, until Sam had shown up mid-afternoon to check on him and give a brief update about what was going on. He'd stayed with Em for a while after Steve had finally fallen into a deeper sleep, and she found that she liked the pararescueman. They'd even found out that they had some mutual friends - with the limited number of jump schools and training bases, it hadn't been too much of a stretch to find that he'd worked with some of Garrett's fellow paratroopers.
He'd also told her about Bucky, and how Steve had stopped fighting him on the Helicarrier. Had apologized to her for not being able to get to him faster after the comm had shorted out in the Potomac, killing the tracker and making it impossible for them to locate him other than with patrol boats.
She'd thanked him for being there with Steve while she made her way in from New York and waited until he'd left, then made sure Steve was still asleep before retreated to the bathroom. There, Emily turned on the shower and sat with her back against the sink, pressing her face into a towel to muffle her silent screams as she shook.
Steve moaned. Em pried her hand from his and quickly retrieved a cool wet washcloth before returning to his side. She dabbed gently at his face, carefully skirting around the stitches on his cheek, before shifting to his neck. He took a deep breath then groaned as his chest ached. "'Mmmlee," he mumbled while tilting his head into her touch.
"Are you in pain?" she whispered. He nodded. "Would you like some meds?" One of the unfortunate side effects, they'd learned over too many times they'd been in this situation, was that Steve metabolized morphine too quickly for it to do much good. Given the severity of his injuries, Dr. Spires had prescribed him Fentanyl at a higher dosage to ease his pain, treading the thin line between comfort and overdose. He'd put off taking it for most of the day so it was a testament to how much pain he was in that he nodded again. Em reached for the cord wrapped around the bed rail and pressed the button to release a dose. He frowned at the beeping sound and took another shallow breath, his hand groping the bed for hers.
"Wish we're home," he mumbled, gently pulling her closer. "'N our bed."
"Me too. Hopefully it'll be in the next few days. Pepper said she'd send the jet for us as soon as you and Carter get discharged." When he gently shook his head, she frowned.
"Godda fin' him. Bring 'm home. 'S my fault." Emily sighed and stood, her heart clenching at the pitiful whine Steve let out when she pulled her hand away, before grabbing her abandon pillow and setting it against the bed rail to provide some cushion for her back.
"Move over, babe. It's gonna be a tight fit but we just may manage this."
OOO
"I need coffee," Emily said, looking at the woman who had brought in Steve's dinner tray. He'd woken to her knock with a start and cursed under his breath while Em had sighed, shaken out of her light doze. "Do you know if there's a decent place around here?"
"I can bring you some but it may be over an hour," she shrugged and then smiled when Em shook her head. "The cafeteria downstairs is still open but they usually burn it. The Starbucks around the corner is better."
"Starbucks it is." After confirming what Steve wanted for breakfast, the woman smiled at them both and left.
"You need sleep, not coffee," he said when the door shut. She ignored him and picked up her purse, checking to make sure her wallet was in it.
"Did you want some? Or something else to eat?" She glanced at his tray, noting that it wasn't a very large meal and didn't have a lot of protein which meant that he would probably need to eat again in a few hours. Hospital kitchens generally had a hard time accounting for his boosted metabolism that ramped up higher post-mission.
"Sweetheart."
"Don't." Steve frowned at her sharp tone. Em took a deep breath and pasted on a fake smile. "I need to get out of the room - not all of us have been Sleeping Beauty today."
He sighed and shook his head. "It's gonna have to be the cafeteria, Sweetheart - can't leave without security and the FBI doesn't want movement off of the floor. Downstairs would be pushing it."
"Any coffee's better than no coffee," she replied, moving towards the door. "I'll grab you some snacks. I'm going to pop in and see Carter real quick before heading down."
"Hey."
"Yeah?"
Steve gave her her favorite crooked smile. "I love you."
Emily felt a lump rise in her throat and swallowed hard, trying to push away the memory of the last time he'd said those words to her. When he'd whispered them into the dark as they'd laid in bed together, trying not to think about the fact that Bucky had fallen and he was leaving in the morning. Knowing that they'd be separated for sixty-nine years and thirty minutes. She smiled, blinking against tears as she blew him a kiss. "Je t'aime aussi."
The agent posted outside of the door nodded to Em when she stepped outside and asked where she was going. When she motioned to Carter's room right next door, he took five of the ten steps with her and planted himself halfway between the two rooms. No matter where she was, she apparently needed an escort. Just like Howard had insisted when she left the bunker.
Em paused, her hand hovering over the doorknob. Howard. What would he do when he realized she was gone? He'd been reluctant to let her travel to DC herself but hadn't wanted to pull himself away from the search for Steve.
A throat cleared, startling her. "Everything alright, Ma'am?" the agent asked. She gave him a weak smile before pushing open the door.
"Have you told him?" Carter asked as soon as she stepped inside. His expression softened when he took in her red rimmed eyes. "Love…"
She ignored him and dropped her purse to the floor beside his bed before pressing a hand to his forehead. Satisfied that his fever was down, she sat beside him and reached up to tilt his head to the side to examine his bandaged neck. "Did they change this again?"
"A few hours ago." When she frowned, he smiled. "I took a shower and got it wet."
Em let out a watery chuckle before shaking her head. "Good, you were starting to smell." He snorted and rolled his eyes at her teasing. He reached up and cupped her cheek, his thumb sweeping over the dark circles under her eyes.
"You look like you haven't slept at all."
"I haven't… not really," she shrugged. "Just a few minutes here and there."
"So the last time you slept was yesterday when you fainted?"
"I was sleeping before I woke up in the park," she shrugged, not adding that it had only been an hour or so.
Carter sighed. "Em, you need to rest. You heard what Jane said - you don't know what traveling through tha - "
"I know!" Emily snapped, pushing off the bed and crossing the room. "I know, damn it. I just…" She pinched the bridge of her nose to keep from crying.
"What is it love?"
The silence fell heavily between them as Em took one shuddering breath after the other before whispering, "I'm afraid to sleep."
"Why?"
"Because I'm afraid that I'm going to wake up in 1945."
"You won't Em, I prom - "
"You don't get it, Carter" she said, crossing her arms to keep him from seeing that her hands were shaking. "I spent over two years waking up and hoping that I was back here, and now I'm terrified that I'm really just dreaming and I'm going to wake up in a hotel and have to get ready to go to the White House and let everyone know that Steve… that Steve…"
Carter was across the room in a few seconds, cursing the IV that pulled on his hand. He ignored her trying to push him away and tucked her head into the crook of his neck - on the opposite side of his bandage - and stroked her back as she sobbed, whispering, "It's alright, love. I've got you."
OOO
Armed with a cup of coffee, Em stood at the end of the hallway - still within sight of the guard - and looked out the window. She could barely hear the nighttime traffic below as she looked in the direction of the Potomac. The news had reported twenty three deaths - including five of the six members of the World Security Council - and conservatively estimated the property damages at over two hundred billion.
They were also debating who could be trusted now that HYDRA had been revealed. If they had been able to infiltrate the highest echelons of government, who was safe?
Emily's phone rang in her back pocket and she huffed. Probably another interview booker trying to get her take on what happened. But when the name Martin Smith flashed, her stomach lurched. She hadn't spared a thought for her job since she'd gotten back. She bit her lip and debated sending the call to voicemail before taking a steeling breath. "Hello?"
"Emily! Oh, thank god - I thought I was going to get your voicemail again."
"Yeah, sorry," she winced. "Everything's been a bit crazy."
"I can only imagine. How are you? You sounded a bit… off… when we spoke on Friday," he said before quickly adding, "I mean - it's completely understandable given everything that's happened."
Emily frowned - there was no way she could have spoken to him considering the lab incident had happened late Wednesday evening. She pushed the cheap pair of reading glasses she'd purchased from the gift store to the top of her head and scrubbed a hand down her face. When Martin cleared his throat, she sighed. "I honestly don't know how I am right now, Martin. Confused is probably the best word for it."
"Right," he said. "Emily, I have to ask you as your friend and department Chair - are you mixed up in all of this SHIELD business? Is that why someone did that to your office?"
"What?"
"That agent Detective Michaelson and I spoke to said that you were in SHIELD's protective custody after everything that happened - are you involved with them? Is that why you live at Stark Tower?" She moved to lean against the wall when her head started to spin. They knew about her connection to SHIELD? It had to have been Carter he'd spoken to. And she'd updated her change of address quietly in the HR system. For months no one knew that her move to Manhattan had been straight into the home base of the Avengers. "Emily?"
"I...it's complicated, Martin."
"Or is," he paused and cleared his throat. "Or is it because Steve is Captain America?" Her knees gave out and she slid to the floor, sloshing coffee over her jeans. "The pictures on the news were grainy but I've been looking at them all weekend and - Em, he looks like him. I know I've only met him a few times but some of the other faculty have been reaching out asking the same thing."
"I - " Em started before realizing she didn't know what to say. She grasped for something before finally whispering, "I can't do this over the phone." For a long time, the only thing noise was his breathing.
"I've spoken to the Dean and President," Martin said finally, "and we all think it'd be safer for everyone for you to stay off campus for a bit longer but we can schedule a meeting somewhere convenient for you to talk about next steps."
"I'm not in the city right now," she sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I'm in DC." The silence on the other end of the line was deafening.
"Emily… if you're saying what I think you're saying, I want you to know that we may be wading into some ethical issues here concerning your research."
"What? What about my research?" she breathed.
"If you have an undisclosed conflict of interest - if you have a relationship with Captain America that you didn't disclose when you published…"
"I haven't put out anything on him in almost a year! My dissertation was published and I had that section in the anthology but that was - "
"My main concern is the press you've done as a representative of the university. Em... this is above my expertise. I'm going to have to talk to the President and legal about this."
"Martin - "
"I'll look into it and get back to you. In the meantime, Kyle's going to cover your class tomorrow. We cancelled it on Monday but we'll need to figure something out for the rest of the term. Do you have any lecture materials for him to use?" Stunned, she stared blankly at the empty seating room and tried to catch her breath. "Emily?"
"On my computer," she sniffled, quickly dashing away the tears that were dripping down her face. "There's no password on it and the Powerpoint should be on the desktop."
"I'll see if we can get into your office - the police tape is still up." He paused before saying softly, "I am sorry, Em. I-I hope that this turns out to be nothing. Let me know when you're back in town and we'll set something up."
She had to stop herself from flinging the phone across the hallway when they disconnected. Instead, she drew her knees up to her chest and rested her head on them, biting her lower lip hard to keep from sobbing again. When she sniffled and ran a hand under her nose, she was only slightly surprised to see that her stress had triggered a nosebleed.
God, she needed a drink.
OOO
She knew it wasn't the smartest thing to slip the security detail, but Em needed space to think.
The guard stationed outside of Steve's room had nodded when she'd passed, motioning to the coffee on her pants, and the one at the end of the hall didn't recognize her so she slipped past easily. Once outside she debated going into the metro station and taking off before sighing - Steve and Carter would be pissed enough at her going outside for a short walk. Hopping a train to go deeper into the city would just make them angrier.
At the first convenience store she stopped and got a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and a small bottle of mouthwash and perfume to hide the smell.
She tried not to think but couldn't turn off her brain. Her career was in jeopardy because of who Steve was. They'd always known that, one day, his secret would come out and that would have some ramifications on their life but Em had never thought it would upend her career. Sure, there would be some ripples - some academic side eyeing - but not end it. Over the last year she'd made a conscious effort to steer her research away from anything Captain America and had scaled back her news appearances, even as the ESU PR department tried to pile them on. Her focus had been on her work with the Smithsonian and her book on women's military roles during WWII.
Being fired from ESU would make it difficult to find work anywhere; the academy was vast but gossip about a disgraced historian would spread like wildfire as soon as her name was connected to Steve's.
And Steve… god, she loved him but he wasn't going to be there for her while she went through it. His mind was already on his next mission: finding Bucky and bringing him home. Trying to make up for not going after him when he fell from the train.
Em choked back a sob.
Bucky. The man who had goaded her about wanting to become a "lady doctor" after the war before asking her to consider including Steve in those plans. Who had tried to find the people that attacked her in her home. Who had been a witness at her wedding and made her chicken noodle soup on her honeymoon.
Who had promised not to pick up the damn shield but had done so to protect his best friend.
Whatever had happened to him between the fall and nearly killing Steve on the Helicarrier... Em didn't want to think about what he would have gone through. What kind of torture could they have put him through to make him forget his best friend?
With her cigarette burnt out, Emily crossed the street and started to make her way back to the hospital. A few blocks away, she tensed. She could feel someone watching her.
She picked up her pace and reached into her purse for her keys, threading them through her fingers. A group of laughing women spilled out of a bar and she hurried to trail behind them. A glance over her shoulder didn't show anyone paying particular attention to her, but Em couldn't shake the feeling. She nearly started running when a car pulled up beside the group but the women climbed inside and drove off. Feeling exposed, Emily hurried to the crosswalk and looked around.
Her eyes finally landed on a man in an FBI flak jacket across the street from her, his arms crossed over his chest as he watched her. Em let out a sigh and her shoulders slumped when the walk light illuminated. He met her halfway and pivoted to walk beside her. "Enjoy your stroll, Dr. Harthorn?"
"I did," she replied.
He didn't say anything else as they made their way back to the ICU. When she'd moved towards the bathroom, wanting to clean up a bit, he grabbed her elbow and pulled her back to his side, saying she could use the bathroom in Steve's room.
As soon as the door opened, Em knew that a conversation had just stopped as four sets of eyes turned towards her.
Steve's face was dark as he pushed himself off of the bed, and he pressed his lips together to keep the grunt of pain from escaping. "Where'd you go?"
Her eyes shot to Carter, who had an identical angry expression. He shook his head, drawing Sam's attention. Natasha's face was blank as her eyes roved over her.
"Emily." Steve blocked her view of the room, and she saw his nostrils flare when he caught the smell of her cigarette.
"I got some coffee." He let out a huff of disbelief and shook his head.
"Pretty sure you can't smoke in a hospital anymore."
"I stepped outside for some air."
"Without one of the agents." When she didn't say anything, he forced himself to take a deep breath, his brow furrowing at the twinge of pain. "Hydra's crawling all over the city and you - Sweetheart, we talked about you taking risks - "
"We can have this discussion later," she cut him off.
"I don't think you understand - "
"I do, Steve," she snapped, her tone inching towards hysterics. "I understand exactly what's going on. Everything's changed in the four days I was gone."
"Em," Carter said. "Maybe this is a conversation you want to have in private."
"Why?" she demanded, peering around Steve to look at him before her eyes cut to Natasha. "Nothing else is apparently private. Everything else is out there for people to look at."
"Hydra needed to be exposed," Nat stated.
"I know that! I just… fuck!" Em groaned, turning on her heel to face the door. When Steve put his hand on her shoulder, she shrugged it off.
"Sweetheart..."
"Let's all take a breath," Sam suggested, pushing off the wall.
She forced herself to take a deep breath, and then another. Her nails bit into the palms of her hand as she shook, trying to tamp down the anger, fear, and hurt that she felt. It was too much - losing Steve, coming back just in time to almost lose him again, keeping the life she'd had with him quiet, finding out that the organization that killed her Opa and Steve sacrificed himself to take down was back, realizing that her family's secret was exposed and endangered them all, knowing that Steve stopped fighting to get back to her, and now everything she worked for was slipping through her fingers…
After a moment, she reached for the door handle.
"Where are you - " Steve started, his hand darting out to cover hers.
"Finish your conversation. I'll be down the hall."
It wasn't surprising when an agent posted himself in the corridor next to the sitting room when she settled in a chair and stared blankly out the window.
Author's Note: All the angst! If you thought it was going to be an easy transition back for Emily, you're in for a fun ride.
On another note, I've decided that this fic is going to be the last one in the Em and Steve story so I'm working on migrating this whole saga onto Ao3. Which means that I'm going back and doing some edits of Change is Everything, trying to bring it a bit more in line with what we've learned in the MCU. So far I've only come across one chapter with major rewrites (I really hate how I wrote Em meeting Natasha). I'll also be posting the edited chapters on this site as well. This particular story still has some time left - I had to do some mental rewrites to account for Infinity War/Endgame - so there's no immediate end in sight (especially given how long it takes me to update).