Steve woke when he heard the door open but forced himself not to lift his head off the pillow. He could almost hear Emily's thoughts as she hesitated. Without saying anything, he shifted away from the edge of the bed and pulled back the covers.
His eyes had closed again by the time he heard her muffled footsteps and felt her standing in front of him. The sheets were pulled down further before the bed dipped when she sat. He opened one eye and saw her tense shoulders and subtle trembling.
They'd been home three days and this was the first time Emily had sought him out.
At first it was easy to ignore. Jane had insisted on Em going through a full physical to make sure there was nothing wrong after her two trips through a wormhole. He'd wanted to stay with her but she'd waved him away and he was pulled into nonstop discussions with the team about what the end of SHIELD meant. Steve fell asleep on the couch that night waiting for her, too tired to drag himself to bed.
The second day she'd spent on the phone with her family. When he'd come back to the apartment for lunch, he'd heard her pleading with Jessica to understand why everything had been kept a secret. The bedroom door - usually open just a little whenever Em went to bed before him - was closed when he came home that night and he took the hint.
She'd still been asleep when he went into their room that morning to get some clothes, hugging his pillow to her chest. He'd wanted nothing more than to slide into bed with her but Tony had scheduled an early meeting with his team of lawyers to go over the legal fall out of everything, and after that he met with Carter to see if he'd found anything after Bucky disappeared from the Smithsonian. While he appreciated the foresight to leave the FBI out of tracking him, Steve couldn't help but wonder if they could have contained him until he got there… if there'd been a way that he could have come back to New York with them.
Her office door had been closed all day. He'd heard her crying in there but she'd refused to unlock the door when he knocked. Undeterred, he sat in the hallway with his back against the wall until she sent him a text asking him to go away.
So he took the fact that she was there as a good sign. She sighed and leaned forward, resting her head in her hands. Slowly, Steve moved his arm until his hand was lightly touching her hip and felt her start.
"I just want to stop feeling," Emily whispered. Steve felt his heart clench at her words but forced himself to stay silent as his thumb swept back and forth on her lower back. He felt her legs tense as though to stand before her hands gripped the sheets. She let out a shaky breath before clearing her throat. "One person isn't supposed to feel this much at once."
"What are you feeling?" he asked.
"Overwhelmed. Angry. Sad. Happy. Scared. Confused. Curious. Guilty. Homesick… Like I want to run away from you right now." Steve's thumb stopped moving and he forced himself not to tighten his grip. "And I know that I'm hurting you."
"I'm fine," he said quickly. Em chuckled sadly as her right hand moved to cover his.
"You're a terrible liar, Steven Grant."
"I'm just worried about you, Sweetheart."
"I know," she nodded, and he heard her gulp. "And I feel horrible about that."
"Why?" he asked, propping himself up on an elbow. She tensed when the mattress shifted.
"Please don't touch me." Steve sighed but felt a bit relieved when she kept his hand pressed to her side. "I'm trying… it's just… I-I can't get myself to stop feeling when you touch me. You make it worse."
"Emily…" They were silent for a long time while she shook and he tried to keep from wrapping himself around her. "I'm worried about you because I love you."
"I know that," she replied, her left hand reaching up to wipe at her face before she sniffled. "I just… I didn't… I never wanted to be one of the people that you worried about. I wanted it to be easy for us… after everything we went through, I didn't… I wanted…"
"Sweetheart," Steve chuckled. "I'm always going to worry about you, and not just about big things. I worry about you taking the train and whether or not you've had your coffee, or when it's been forever since you ate a vegeta - "
"Stop making fun of me!" she gasped and stood, making a beeline for the door. Steve shot out of bed and darted around her to stand in front of the door.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't - I didn't - "
"Please move," Em demanded, tears streaming down her face.
"Please? I'm sorry - I didn't mean to upset you, Sweetheart. Please stay?" She glared up at him before turning on her heel and walking to the corner of the room and sitting with her back against it, drawing her knees up to her chest and folding her arms across them. Sighing, Steve ran a hand across his face before walking towards her.
"Don't touch me."
"I won't," he assured her as he sat about a foot away from her. She turned away from him and hid her face in her arm. He watched her toes flex just inches away from his thigh and wondered if she'd be opposed to Jarvis turning on the lights before deciding against it - the city lights would have to do.
"I'm tired," she mumbled.
"Do you want to go to bed?"
"No," Emily huffed before swiping her eyes on her shoulder and tilting her head back to rest on the wall. "Feeling is the worst. Being angry with you is exhausting. All I want is to be with you and to help you figure out what we do next, but whenever I see you, I just…" Her head thumped against the wall, and Steve didn't know what to say. "When they came to tell me that you'd crashed, I was so… I was so… I missed you. I missed waking up in our house and getting your letters, and trying to sneak away whenever you were in London. And not being known as your widow. But I knew I would get you back - that we would have all of it. But then…" She inhaled sharply as tears dripped off her chin. "But then I get back and see you falling out of a helicarrier. And then you were missing and you promised me… you promised me that we'd find each other again."
"We did, Emily - we're right here."
"But not because of you." Em turned to face him, and he quickly dashed away the tears on his cheeks. "And the sad part is that every aspect of my life revolves around you."
"That's not - "
"My job? Captain America. My family the way it is? Rebirth. Us meeting? SHIELD. And us sitting here? The Avengers. All of that leads back to you. And I don't regret it. I just… I don't exist without you, and you… I love you, mon coeur, but I don't trust you anymore."
Steve sniffled and nodded, swallowing hard around the lump in his throat.
"You chose Bucky over me. And I'm not mad!" she said when Steve opened his mouth to protest. "I saw you two together - I know what he means to you. And I love him too. So you should go. You should find him. Bring him home. And then after… we can try and figure out what we are. It's too much - for both of us - to try and balance the two."
"W-what're you saying?"
"We push pause on us," Em said, giving him a strained smile. "And once things… if things… settle down, we can try and figure out what we are to each other."
He stared at her, his mouth hanging open. After a long moment, he shook his head, "No."
"Steve - "
"No." He gripped his thighs to stop himself from reaching for her.
"Please try - "
"You were the one who said you didn't do on and off again. That this was it - that if we ever ended it, we'd be done for good. Is that wh- … is that what you're saying you want?"
She met his hard gaze for a moment before her eyes flit away. "It would be easier," she whispered.
"Is it what you want?" he pressed. "I walked away once and it nearly killed me, but if that's what you want I'll… I'll do it." Steve heard her let out a shuddering breath. And then another. Dread built as she stayed quiet and refused to look at him.
Emily's foot shifted closer and she wiggled her toes under his thigh. He felt the vise around his heart start to loosen.
He wanted to tell her he hadn't been making a choice between them. That, for a moment, he'd thought he'd seen his best friend recognize him and he'd put his trust in that. That his last thought before he'd thought he was going to die had been about her.
But for now he'd take her cold toes under his leg.
OOO
Emily bit her lower lip and clenched her fists, her nails digging into the palm of her hand as she stared at the bank of windows separating her from the streets of New York. Tears gathered in her eyes and she furiously blinked them away.
She wanted to leave. She wanted to smell the exhaust fumes and even the garbage baking in the sun. She wanted to hear the nonstop roar of people talking and cars honking.
Stark Tower was a gilded cage, but a cage nonetheless.
Security risk.
That's what they'd called her. The President of Empire State University, the Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences, and the Chair of the History department.
They'd told her she posed too much of a risk to return to campus at that time. That it would be in everyone's best interest if she were to stay away in order to protect the students, faculty, and staff.
When they'd woken up on the floor of the spare bedroom, her head resting on his chest, Steve had offered to go to the meeting with her. She was glad she'd turned him down. Like everything else in her life, him being there would only complicate matters - he was the embodiment of why she was now deemed a risk, even though his position as an Avenger would ensure that the team carefully watched the campus for any threats.
Em stood in the lobby for a long time, envious of the people who undertook the simple task of pushing open the door and stepping outside. She could do it. There was nothing stopping her.
Nothing except for the voice in her head repeating two words over and over again: security risk.
"Emily? Oh god, it is you!" Em took a step back as someone rushed towards her, ready to scream for security. And then her brain clicked and she felt a surge of joy.
"Ryan!" she breathed as he pulled her into his arms. His glasses scraped her temple, knocking her own askew as he held her tightly.
"Are you okay? I saw your office and no one would say what was going on, and you weren't answering your phone."
"Yeah," she replied, blinking away the tears as she pulled away. "I'm okay. What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be teaching or something?"
"Slow day at the morgue," he chuckled, pressing a kiss into her hair.
Emily disentangled herself and stepped back out of reach when his hands fell to her waist. "Keep talking like that and people are gonna think your a mortician or something," she teased, crossing her arms over her chest. His eyes swept over her, and his eyebrow rose.
"What happened to your ankle brace?"
"Don't need it."
"You're not limping or favoring it."
"Ryan - "
"Have you lost weight?"
"I wish," she said, forcing a laugh. "What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to make sure you were okay. Are you? You look upset."
"I...I don't know, Ry. I just…" Em let out a heavy breath and shook her head. "I'm just a bit out of my depth here."
"Is it because," he paused and took a minute to look around before leaning closer and whispering, "Steve is Captain America?" She jerked back and tried to school her expression as his eyes watched her. "I may have only met him once but I've seen you two enough to recognize him on TV."
"I-I…"
"And that would explain what you told me about...about when you were dating - you getting knocked around and him blaming himself for whatever happened to you?"
"Ryan - "
"Tell me I'm wrong," he challenged. When she opened her mouth to say exactly that, nothing came out. Instead, she broke away from his gaze and lowered her eyes to the floor. "Jesus. Wow. I mean, that explains why you wouldn't give me the time of day."
"No, that's not - "
"I'm definitely not your type - not with the Special Forces fiancé and the superhero boyfriend. What's a forensic anthropologist to that? I don't even have a cool contracting job with the police that could give me an edge, just one with the city morgue - "
"Ryan!" Em said, reaching up to cover his mouth with her hand. "Please just give me a minute to think." He exhaled against her hand and shook his head while reaching up to grip her wrist, gently pulling it away.
"I need a drink."
"You and me both," she admitted. He smirked and jerked his head back towards the door.
"We haven't done happy hour in a while."
"I think it's a bit too early for happy hour," Em chuckled, glancing at her watch.
"Well, we can grab a drink over lunch." She glanced out the windows and bit the inside of her cheek, mentally debating herself. Having lunch with Ryan would bring a much needed sense of normalcy to her life. After all, he'd been the one to help her settle into a new normal when Steve had left her. Over many, many happy hours and coffees, lunches and dinners he'd become one of her closest friends in New York.
And she'd lied to his face for the entirety of their friendship.
But those two words - security risk - rang in her ears, followed by a single pleading word from Steve - please.
Sighing, she ran a pushed her glasses up to the top of her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I can't. I'm sorry."
"Is that a no to the drink or to lunch?"
"Both. I'm sorry - rain check?"
"How about coffee?"
"Another time."
"Come on, Em," Ryan said, a hint of frustration seeping into his tone. "It's just coffee."
"I can't right now but we can figure out another - "
"What about a quick trip around the block?"
"Ryan."
"You owe me an explanation," he hissed, taking a step forward. Emily frowned and took a step backwards. His hand shot out to catch her wrist.
"What are you doing?" she demanded, wrenching her hand away. His eyes darted around the lobby and Em noticed the sweat accumulating at his hairline.
"Come on," he said, wrapping a hand around her upper arm and pulling her towards the door.
"Get your hands off of me!" she said loud enough to draw the attention of the security guards. She braced her feet and tried to pull away as one of the guards stood and pushed away from the desk. Ryan glanced around frantically.
"I'm sorry, I just… I need some air. Let's just step outside and - "
"You need to leave. Now." Ryan glanced at the advancing guard before shaking his head.
"I'm sorry," he said, taking a step back and then another. "I'm sorry Emily - I had to try. They made me - "
"Is there a problem here?"
Ryan turned and ran out, shoving people out of the way before throwing the doors open and disappearing into the mid-day rush. Two of the guards at the desk ran after him.
"Ma'am?" Em turned to the man who placed a hand under her elbow. "Are you alright?"
"I-I think I need to go upstairs."
"Would you like me to call the police?"
"N-no. I...I just need to go." Stiffly, she turned and walked back to the elevator bank, ignoring the crackle of his radio. After scanning her fingerprint, she hit the button for their floor and retreated to the corner of the car. She could see her pale reflection in the gleaming metal across from her. "J-Jarvis?"
"How may I be of service, Dr. Harthorn? Shall I ask Captain Rogers to meet you in the residence?"
"No. Have you… are you… do you have access to the SHIELD files?"
"Sir has saved the entirety of the database and I have decrypted it. Would you like me to perform a search?"
Em chewed her lower lip and didn't say anything as the elevator doors opened. Jarvis remained silent as she stepped into the quiet apartment. Hesitantly, she lifted a hand to see it was shaking before she formed a fist. "Search for Dr. Ryan Dietrich."
"Shall I project the results, or would you prefer me to place them on your tablet?"
"H-he's in there?"
"Yes."
"Just tell me."
There was a moment's hesitation before Jarvis cleared his nonexistent throat. "Dr. Ryan Dietrich, assistant professor of Anthropology at Empire State University. Received his PhD from McGill University. Recruited by SHIELD upon graduation, completed the academy within a year. Deployed to ESU to make contact with Dr. Emily Harthorn, known associate of Steve Rogers codename Captain America, for intelligence gathering and observation. Reporting officer - "
Emily gripped the back of the couch as her ears started to ring, blocking out the rest of what Jarvis said. Tears gathered in her eyes as she leaned forward to bury her face in the cushion and screamed. The sound echoed around the apartment and Em lifted her head and quickly dashed away her tears. She whipped off her heels and flung them in the direction of the bedroom, one rebounding off the wall and leaving a scuff mark.
Betrayal and anger flooded her and, without thinking, she grabbed Steve's empty coffee mug off of the end table and threw it at the reinforced window. The mug bounced off of it and shattered on the floor.
OOO
"Captain, Dr. Harthorn appears to be in some distress."
Steve shot out of his chair and ran towards the stairs, unwilling to wait for the elevator or make excuses to the lawyers they'd been meeting with. Tony or Thor would handle it.
"What happened? Did she get fired?" He asked while taking the stairs three at a time. His left leg protested, the muscles still tight as they healed from the gunshot, but he didn't slow.
"Sir - Dr. Harthorn isn't in the residence. She's in the gymnasium."
"In the…how long?"
"Approximately an hour. She engaged lockout protocols but I believe that she may further damage herself if left alone."
"Damage herself?" Steve asked, pushing himself harder to get up the last twenty flights.
"Nothing serious thus far."
"What happened?"
"Dr. Harthorn asked me to search the SHIELD database and found that one of her associates was an agent."
"Fuck."
"Disengaging lockout protocols." When he threw open the door, he nearly stumbled backwards at the sound that assaulted him.
KEEP THE BLOOD IN YOUR HEAD AND KEEP YOUR FEET ON THE GROUND
Steve grit his teeth against telling Jarvis to turn off the music as he moved towards where Emily was speed walking barefoot on the treadmill. Her blouse was crumpled up and looked like it had been thrown against the window, leaving her in just her camisole and pencil skirt.
TODAY'S THE DAY IT GETS TIRED, TODAY'S THE DAY WE DROP DOWN
He could hear her screaming along with the lyrics, her ponytail swaying as she slammed her fist down on the side bars. The soles of her feet were red and black, and he could see a drop of sweat trailing down her spine.
GIVE UP MY BODY IN BED ALL FOR AN EMPTY HOTEL, WASTED WORDS IN LOWER CASES AND CAPITALS
His eyes darted across the gym as he walked closer, noting the abandon hand wraps by the punching bag. The last few notes of the song played and his ears rang at the sudden silence.
When nothing else started to play, Emily let out a frustrated groan. Her voice was rough when she said, "That's not the end of the playlist, Jarvis. Next song!"
"Don't think your eardrums can take another one," Steve sighed. She shrieked and lost her footing, and he reached out to grab the emergency cut off switch while Em gripped the handles and steadied herself.
"What are you doing here?" she demanded swiping her wrist across her face as the belt came to a stop. "Everyone's supposed to be locked out."
"I got worried when I didn't hear from you," he replied, eyeing her reddened knuckles and the bruise forming on her shin.
"I'm fine. I just need to be left alone." He reached out to steady her when she wobbled slightly getting off the treadmill but quickly withdrew his hands when she glared at him. His eyebrows shot up when he saw the small bruises on her upper arm that hadn't been there that morning.
"Okay. Your meeting go well?"
"I didn't get fired, if that's what you're asking."
"That's good news. How'd that happen?" He asked, pointing at her arm.
Em glanced at it before stalking away from him. "Were you ever going to tell me?"
"Tell you what?"
"About Ryan!" She snapped, whirling to glare at him.
"Who?"
"Ryan! My Ryan," she stomped her foot and groaned when his eyebrow rose. "Ryan Dietrich, my friend from work who you've apparently been having spy on me since we broke up!"
"I haven't had anyone - "
"Stop lying to me!"
"Fine! There's been one or two times, but there's never been any Ryan and definitely not someone you work with." He scrubbed a hand through his hair before shaking his head. "Are you talking about the guy you go to lunch with?"
"Don't act like you don't know."
"I don't, Emily! I only had people tail you when Carter and I weren't available and I was on a dangerous op. Are you telling me that SHIELD had someone on you all the time?" Her eyes were hard as she studied his face.
"You swear to me that you knew nothing about it?"
"I swear." Em clenched her jaw and took a deep breath, then another. Without a word, she stepped around Steve and stalked towards the punching bag, where she drew back her fist and let it fly.
"I. AM. SO. FUCKING. SICK. OF. ALL. OF. THIS!" She yelled, punctuating each word with another punch. Her shoulders were heaving as she tried to catch her breath, and Steve slowly walked towards her.
"Sweetheart?" When he touched her arm, she stiffened and pulled away, shaking her head.
"God, this would be so much easier if I didn't love you," Em muttered. "You realize that, don't you? That my life would be so much less complicated without you in it?"
Dread built in his stomach as they circled back to their conversation from the night before. "Yes."
Emily spun and glared at him. "Then you better make all of this shit worth it, Rogers." Without another word, she grabbed his shirt and pulled him down to meet her hard kiss. Startled, it took a moment for his brain to catch up. She wasted no time, turning them so she could shove him back against the padded wall.
"Wait, wait, Sweetheart - " he groaned as she yanked off her camisole and let it fall to the floor. His hands closed on her hips when she pressed against him, taking his earlobe between her teeth. "Let's go upstairs." He made a half hearted attempt to pull away and was rewarded by her digging her nails into his back.
"Shut up and make me stop thinking," she ordered, her fingers tracing the pink scar on his stomach. He moaned when her hand closed around his dick and his hips jerked towards her.
"Yes, Ma'am," Steve said, rucking her skirt up. He leaned down to bite the top of her breast as he pushed her panties down her legs. She made short work of his belt, jeans, and boxer briefs, pushing them far enough down his hips to free his cock. Steve guided one of her legs to his waist and lifted her, turning them so he could pin her against the wall.
Emily used her new height to tug Steve's shirt over his head, dropping it to the floor before running her hands through his short hair. He smiled at her before biting her nipple through her bra. She gasped and cupped his face, tilting it up so she could kiss him. He grabbed her ass and angled her hips before gripping himself and letting gravity do its work. Em gasped into his kiss as he stretched her open.
After a moment to adjust, Steve started to pound into her, punching the breath from her with every thrust. Em arched her back, pushing her breasts into his face, and Steve tugged down the cups of her bra, catching a nipple in his mouth as she bounced on his cock.
"God. Fuck," she panted, her breath catching as she scored his back with scratches. Steve grunted and reached between them to work her clit. He heard her breath catch and felt her thighs shake where they were wrapped around his waist and took a step forward, pinning her hips against the wall.
"Come on, baby," he whispered against her temple. "So close."
Emily cried out as her orgasm washed over her, pulling Steve along. He rut against her, placing sloppy kisses against her throat as she clutched at his shoulders.
Steve had to lock his knees to keep from sliding to the floor as they both came down from their high. He pressed a kiss to each breast, to her sternum, and then pulled Emily down to meet his lazy kiss. "Still thinking?" he teased.
"Yeah," Em nodded, carding her fingers through his hair. "I think...I think we should get out of here."
Author's Note: Yet another attempt at smut. Not sure how it went but oh well - trying to get comfortable with new things. Em was listening to "The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows" by Brand New, which is one of my go to songs when I'm angry.
So much this chapter! Em trying to push past her not wanting to be touched when emotional! Finding out she's not fired but needs to stay off campus! And her friend being a secret SHIELD/Hydra agent and trying to kidnap her! Hopefully planting Ryan in Starry Eyed Again, and having him be the one who tossed her office played out! He's been a kind of interesting player on the board. Probably not going to see much more of him but you never know.
As always, thank you for reading and please let me know what you think!