Sleep eluded Steve.

He grit his teeth in frustration when he glanced at the bright red numbers on the clock, telling him that he'd been lying there for over two hours. Emily had nodded off relatively quickly, lulled to sleep by the rain hitting the roof and the occasional rumble of thunder. With the temperatures dropping daily, it would probably be one of the last rain storms of the season.

They'd fallen into a pattern - Steve would start his morning by going for a run, and then take his time to wake Em up enough to join him in the shower while the coffee brewed. They'd drink their coffee on the back patio while he ate and tried to convince her to do the same. After, they'd clean up the kitchen before retreating to their respective offices - her to the spare bedroom to record her lectures or back to the patio to do her consulting work with the Smithsonian (the opening gala had been rescheduled and, unaware of their relationship, they were pushing for her to come back to DC to figure out how to incorporate what had happened into the exhibit), and him to the basement where he'd set up shop.

After two days in the living and dining room, with the furniture rapidly disappearing under stacks of papers that Jarvis had translated, Emily had suggested he move to another room. One where they could close the door and try to find some separation, to not look at the constant reminder of Hydra and what they'd done. When she'd gone white while reading a document outlining some of the physical torture Bucky'd undergone before quickly putting her coffee mug on the counter and retreating to the bathroom, he'd taken the rest of the morning to move.

This wasn't the first sleepless night he'd had since starting his dive into the files. Over the last two weeks, his ability to fall asleep when he hit the mattress had disappeared. He tried to lose himself in Emily's arms, pushing her further and further, gladly accepting the scores she made on his back and chest until she eventually pushed him away from overstimulation, and then curling around her until she fell asleep. But eventually listening to her soft breathing and staring at the ceiling would become too much and he'd go downstairs to work or pull on his sneakers and run. On the rare occasion he did drift off, he dreamt of torture, betrayal, and loss.

Suppressing a sigh, Steve rolled onto his side and pressed a kiss to Em's shoulder before sitting up and scrubbing a hand down his face. The beard was still taking a while to get used to - it was the first time he'd even been able to grow one - but Emily seemed to like it. She had even recommended letting his hair grow out a bit, but she'd always been pretty open about liking his hair longer.

"'Fine 'oward," Emily mumbled in her sleep, making him turn. A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as he rested a hand on her hip for a moment before standing and retrieving his clothes from the floor. Dressed, he slipped quietly from the room and retreated to the basement.

He was halfway through a report on a mission that targeted Peggy when there was a loud crack before the basement was lit up by a streak of lightning. Steve's eyes shot to the sliding glass door as the house shook with the rumble of thunder.

"Steve?!"

The papers fell from his hand as he shot towards the narrow flight of stairs, taking them two at a time. He'd barely made it past the kitchen table when a nude Em ran into him, her arms wrapping around his waist as she buried her face in his chest and shook like a leaf. "What's wrong? What happened?" Steve asked, holding her tightly. "Sweetheart?"

"I-I woke up and I didn't know what… when - " When thunder rolled again, he felt her flinch as her fingers dug into his back. "Air raid." His heart dropped to his stomach when he realized what she meant.

"It's alright, Emily. It's… you're back. It's just thunder."

"I couldn't find you," she whispered. Steve felt the front of his shirt starting to get damp and swallowed hard at the lump in his throat. Em took a shuddering breath and looked up at him, sweat gathering at her temples and tears on her cheeks. "I didn't know...I thought you were…"

He gave her a sad look and gently pushed a strand of hair from her face before leaning down to kiss the top of her head. "I'm sorry. I couldn't sleep and went downstairs. I didn't think." She didn't say anything, but ducked her head again and rested her forehead on his sternum.

When her shaking lessened, Steve bent and placed his arm behind her knees and picked her up. "I'll be right back, Sweetheart," he promised when he set her on the bed. She made a noise of protest when he straightened, pulling him to join her, but he leaned down to kiss her while gently breaking her grip. It took only two minutes to turn off the light in the basement and retrieve a wet washcloth from the bathroom.

Emily had moved to sit on the edge of the bed and was staring at the wall. She started when he turned on the light, and he gave her a soft smile as he knelt in front of her and reached up to clean her face with the washcloth. Her eyes stayed fixed on the wall in front of her, but her tears fell faster and her teeth dug into her lower lip. Sighing, Steve set the cloth on the bedside table and tugged off his shirt. After settling in the middle of the bed, he gently pulled her to lay beside him. Her head rested on his chest as she tried to hold back her tears.

When the dam finally broke, Steve held her tightly as Emily sobbed.

OOO

"Is there anything you have to do today?"

Emily looked up from her coffee, her eyes puffy and swollen, and shrugged. Their morning had started late - it had been after five when she'd finally fallen asleep, and Steve didn't dare leave her until she woke up again after ten. "I was going to work on my manuscript."

"But it can wait?" Steve pressed. She shrugged, her gaze dropping to her untouched toast and took another sip of coffee. "Okay. How do you feel about getting out of here for a while?"

"We can't. Someone could see you."

"I don't think anyone will recognize me."

"A baseball cap isn't as great a disguise as you seem to think it is."

"But a baseball cap and a beard?" he said in a teasing tone, leaning forward to meet her eyes. "Come on, Sweetheart. We need to get away for a bit."

"I don't know."

"Please?"

"Fine."

OOO

Steve parked the car and turned off the engine, looking over the empty parking lot. "You're sure about this?" Em asked, glancing out the window. Rather than answering, he got out and jogged around the car to open her door.

Though his initial thought had been to go to Old Orchard, Steve had texted Caroline for day trip ideas. She'd written back a few but had cautioned that they would be busy with tourists admiring the last of the foliage and suggested a trip to one of the lesser known beaches. If Em had recognized the route, she hadn't let on. She raised an eyebrow when he kicked off his shoes and tossed them into the backseat before rolling up his jeans, but followed his example and took his outstretched hand.

They didn't talk as they walked down to the water, their shoulders hunched against the cold breeze coming off the Atlantic. The water was cold when it ran over their feet, and Steve smirked. "Remember when we went to the beach in Oregon?"

"We are not having another water fight, Rogers."

"If I remember correctly, Harthorn, you're the one that started that." Em shook her head and chuckled.

"Doesn't sound like me." He barked a laugh and paused when she knelt to pick up a shard of sea glass. After wiping off the sand, she slipped it into her pocket as they continued walking. "Is that what you're trying to do?"

"What?"

"Trying to give us a day to act like kids?"

"No. I just needed to get out of the house for a while… to get away from the basement." She didn't say anything, but her hand twitched in his. He could see her chewing her bottom lip out of the corner of his eye, and then she cleared her throat.

"I met him. Or a version of him. Back when...you know."

"You did?" Steve asked, pulling her to a stop. She nodded, her shoulders rising as she took a steeling breath even as her eyes closed.

"You introduced us at a pub in London. And h-he was your best man at the wedding."

Steve tried to school his expression but a mix of hurt and longing flashed across his face, and he was glad that she wasn't watching him. "So there was a w-wedding? You said my...widow… before, but I didn't…"

"You - he," she corrected, opening her eyes as she pulled her hand from his and crossed her arms over her chest so he couldn't see her thumb stroking her bare ring finger. "Was very persistent."

"Did he… know? About you?"

"I told him eventually. After I refused his first proposal because it would change too much. I'd already taken you away from Peggy, and I was afraid that marrying you would… that there would be too big of a ripple. You...he didn't understand. But even after that, he didn't quite believe me until he saw Jane."

"Jane? Foster?"

Emily nodded. "We had a fight about it. He thought I was still dealing with the head injury and confused from when McGinnis's men broke into the house and attacked me - "

"What?"

"But then he came back in time to see Jane, and then…" her hand drifted to her lower stomach. "This happened." Steve's eyes followed her hand and he flinched.

"Just the scar?" Em bit her lower lip and shook her head.

"It was like it had just happened." He blew out a breath, remembering how much pain she'd been after the surgery to remove her overy.

"I'm so sorry, Sweetheart."

"I am too. I didn't...I thought he was you. And he was but - "

"Not."

"You're not… this is going to sound stupid but…" Emily squeezed her eyes closed and shook her head before blurting, "You're not just saying that we're not actually married because I asked you to not say anything until I was ready?"

As the silence stretched, she opened one eye to see the confused expression on his face and gulped. Clenching her fists, she turned and started to walk up the beach, not pausing when Steve called out to her. "Emily, stop," he said, jogging beside her and cupping her elbow. She jerked away from him. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? What's wrong?! I just told you that I had a nearly two year long relationship with someone that wasn't you! That I married someone that wasn't you!"

"You didn't know that."

"I did! There were things that didn't add up - "

"You didn't know for sure."

"I basically cheated on you for - "

"Why do you want me to be angry with you?" Steve demanded. Em opened her mouth as if to retort but didn't say anything. When she didn't answer, he repeated himself. "Why do you want me to be angry with you, Sweetheart?"

"Because I miss him," she whispered, tears springing to her eyes. "I miss him, and Howard, and even my job as a secretary because at least I knew I had a job every morning I woke up. I came back and my life had imploded in four days, Steve. And I can't… I can't catch my breath before the next wave hits. I miss… I miss how simple it was. "

Steve felt like someone had reached into his chest and squeezed his heart as he watched her bite her lower lip and clench her fists, as though struggling to stand there and not move away from him. The only sound for a long time was the waves crashing behind them and her occasional sniffle. "Please say something," Em finally said.

"I am mad, Emily. I'm so angry at Jane for sending that machine to the Tower, and at Tony for opening it. I'm angry that I wasn't there to keep it from happening because I fell for Hydra's trap in DC. I'm furious that this other me was with you longer than I've been with you. That after four days - and I know that it was longer for you, I get that - but not only did he have you, he somehow managed to propose and marry you when I wanted to marry you for a year but somehow we're still here. I'm jealous that he had you going through the fucking war - "

"You had Peg - "

"Peggy was a hope," Steve cut her off. "You were a promise for him. And not only did he have you, he had Buck as his best man when I'm trying to figure out what the hell happened to him after I let him die - "

"You didn't - "

"And I'm so fucking mad that you're going through this and there's nothing I can do about it because this isn't something that I can fight. I can't make ESU keep you on. I can't make Jessica and the boys understand that we didn't keep this from them to hurt them. And I sure as hell can't make you feel any better because I don't know what's wrong half of the time because you won't talk to me!"

"I'm not the only one who isn't talking," Em hissed. "I know almost nothing about what happened to you and what made Natasha release everything. I've only been able to piece together what little Sam told me with what I've found in the news. The last thing you said to me about any of this when you weren't on some sort of pain med was when you left me a voicemail saying goodbye."

"I wasn't saying goodbye," he protested.

"You were. Would you like to hear it - what you left me?" she snapped. "What I heard after seeing you fall out of a helicarrier and not knowing if you were alive or dead for hours, Steve? After I'd already lost you once? Cause it sure as hell sounded like a goodbye. You said 'I couldn't do this without telling you I love you and that I'm sorry'. What the fuck am I supposed to think when I hear that and have Sam telling me that you gave up?" Tears shone on her cheeks, but Em's eyes blazed with anger. "Why would you do that? Why would you stop?"

"Because it was easier."

Steve's admission seemed to echo on the empty beach, as did Emily's gasp.

"I…" he started after nearly a minute of silence. Unable to meet her gaze, he shoved his hands in his pockets and stared at his feet. ""I thought I'd lost you, and after what they did to Buck...I didn't want to have to face that. And now I just want things to go back to the way they were before but that means he'd still be…I was so tired, Emily. And it was easier to stop fighting and just…"

"Mon coeur."

He let out a sad chuckle. "Drowning's a peaceful way to go, from what I remember of the last two times."

"Steve." He raised his eyes to meet hers when Em placed a hand on his chest. "You don't get to give up, Love." He let out a shuddering breath and pulled away but she gripped his shirt to keep him from moving too far. "Listen to me. You don't get to give up, Steve. Not because of what everyone else needs from you - I don't care what they think. You can't give up because I need you. I love you, and I am always going to do my damndest to get back to you. You know that, right?"

He reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and nodded, unable to speak past the lump in his throat.

"Good. You have to promise me right now that you are never going to give up again. And if you ever… If you're going out there, only fighting half heartedly… you have to stop. I won't let you go on some suicide mission. Because I won't survive losing you. So promise me, Steven Grant. Right now."

Steve reached up to cover her hand and nodded. "I promise." Emily dashed away the tears on her cheeks before smiling sadly and running her thumb under his eye to brush away his tears before clearing her throat.

"We… we need to talk about what happened while we were apart. So who should go first?"

"Sounds like you have a lot more to cover, mon ange."

Emily scoffed and shook her head as she released his shirt. She took a deep breath and ran a hand through her hair before sitting down, facing the water, and pulled her knees up to her chest. Steve stared down at her for a moment before sitting beside her.

"After Tony turned on the machine, I woke up in a boarding house in DC in June 1943…"

They sat shoulder to shoulder, watching the tide roll in as they shared their stories. Steve's hand migrated to Emily's thigh and squeezed tightly when she told him about being next to Westminster when it was hit during an air raid, and exhaled loudly when she recalled being taken to the ground by the FBI when she tried to reach him in the hospital.

Emily rested her head on his shoulder when he recounted the fight in the DC streets and finding out the man he was fighting was Bucky. She stopped breathing when he told her about their final fight on the helicarrier and his fall into the Potomac.

When they'd both gone silent, they just watched the waves crash against the shore.

OOO

"Let's just pick up something in the drive thru," Steve sighed even as he parked the car.

"I need coffee creamer too," Em replied while unbuckling her seatbelt. "I'll make sure it's something easy for dinner, just because I love you and it's your turn to cook."

He turned and gave her a tired smile. "I love you too." She smiled back and leaned over to kiss him before exiting the car and walking into the grocery store.

A stack of firewood just inside the doors caught her attention, and she felt a sudden craving for s'mores. After grabbing a cart, Em decided that they would have a bonfire and make hot dogs for dinner. She quickly made her way through the store and was reaching for marshmallows when someone stopped next to her cart. "Emily?" Tensing at the unfamiliar voice, she turned to look at the other woman.

"Sorry, wrong person."

The dark haired woman smiled. "I don't think so. Dr. Harthorn," she said and extended an envelope to her, "you've been served."

Stunned, Em took it and watched the woman walk away before tearing into the envelope. She scanned the document and felt her jaw drop. Glancing around, she shoved the rest of the items she needed into the cart and hurried to check out as she sent a text to her brother. He responded almost immediately.

Steve got out of the car as she neared, the smile dropping from his lips when he saw her bewildered expression. "What happened?"

"We need to get out of here, now," Em said, quickly throwing the bags into the back seat.

"What happened?"

"Drive while I call Tucker."

"Tucker?"

"Yeah. I just got subpoenaed by the Senate Intelligence Committee."

Author's Note: So this chapter was kinda hard to write. Words didn't seem to want to cooperate, but a few nights of write drunk, edit sober seemed to do the trick. There were a few of intentional parallels in this chapter to scenes in Change if Everything, like Em's reaction to thunder and Steve's when they were traveling, and her comments about it being easier like Steve's when they were in Puerto Antiguo. There's also a lot of Em trying to push past her discomfort of being touched/looked at when struggling with her emotions.

I hope you're doing well and that this gave you a brief moment of reprieve from everything going on in the world. Please stay safe and healthy! As always, thank you for reading and let me know what you think!