SPOILERS for the latest Technoblade stream (the visitor)

Technoblade had said before that Phil forgave others much too quickly.

Perhaps it was a sign of his age, an unavoidable consequence of outliving most regret. In his experience, People often died without rectifying their flaws, then had those they loved stood by their tombstones with remorse on their tongues. Mistakes were the most humbling of experiences and as such, most people would find plenty in their lifetime. Phil did not think himself above his own shortcomings, and certainly did not think others to be.

And sometimes it burned - fires of hatred and retribution. Holding a grudge could be such a simple thing, certainly easier than extending an open palm to the one who had scratched it before.

Phil was willing to try and forgive.

Today - he found - he could not forgive himself.

Because there had been a book in a chest, gathering dust. Anxious crows tapping on his window, chattering away. Phil had stroked ink-black feathers and told them to be patient. It had only been a day, a week, a month. Techno needed time, he told them. So much more time. He would be fine, so long as Phil kept away from his worries and followed the instructions left to him. Three months. He didn't even glance at the book for three months.

Three months in which Technoblade had been alone, had been starving, had been locked up without sunlight or fresh air or Phil and it was his fault because three days and three months are completely different things but Phil hadn't checked and he hadn't listened well enough and it was his fault that Techno was basically suffering for nothing because Phil-

"Breath," Techno says. He says it like he says anything: as if he has no invested interest in the outcome. Except he's putting his hands on Phil's chest, wrapping his arms around him from behind. His chin fits perfectly on the very top of Phil's head, almost as if it was made to be there. And it's warm comforting. Phil doesn't think he deserves it. "Just breathe, old man."

"I am breathing," Phil answers, chokes on it. Techno's hair falls against his shoulder, tickles his cheek, and it's too long now because he didn't cut it in prison. He couldn't, couldn't do anything really, because Phil left him in there to rot, it's his fault and-

Techno pulls him back from those thoughts by leaning against him, keeping Phil from falling over only by virtue of his own strength. There is a sound building, low in his throat, and it vibrates through his ribcage. He's alive and he's here and he almost wasn't - all because of Phil.

"You're not doing a very good job at it," Techno says, and it takes a moment for Phil to realize he means the breathing. He nods, tries again to laugh. Slowly Techno traces against his sternum, gently pushing down on it for him to breathe out then letting up so Phil can inhale again. The tempo is slow but steady.

And within minutes Phil is breathing. Guilt blossoms in his gut still, but he is breathing.

"I'm sorry."

He knows Techno won't accept the apology only because Phil could do him no wrong. There are not enough stars in the sky to compare to how often Techno would devote himself to Phil all over again.

Maybe that's why Phil feels the need to be angry at himself instead.

"I know." Techno reaches up a little, angles Phil's chin up so he can look at him then presses a kiss to his forehead. "It's stupid of you to be, but I know."

Phil laughs.

Eventually, he will be able to forgive himself. Whether it will take three months or three days, he doesn't know.

But he knows Technoblade will be by his side while he gets there.