Chapter 5 - The Conditions of Bravery
Winter, 1983
Mariella taps his paper again. "Just five more and then break time and cookies."
They sit at the dining room table. Sephiroth hunches over a worksheet and tries to figure out the math on it. He can count but he's being taught something called "subtraction" and that requires counting backwards. Nobody told him this silly skill would be necessary.
Mariella eyes him for a minute longer before taking a drink of tea and turning the page on the book she's reading.
The snow is coming down outside. Thick drifts make Nibelheim disappear from his memory. All he can see is blankness. He needs it to stop and for everyone to shovel their way down the mountain. That will be the day that he takes Charlie and runs away. He's read a map in the library. Straight south from here is a ship port. Maybe he can be a stowaway like in one of his books. Where he goes after that doesn't matter. It'll work out.
"Dreaming of Christmas? Hmm?" She asks. "How many days until then?"
"Well-"
She waves the pencil and writes yet another equation on his sheet. "Let's do the subtraction. It's the 21st and Christmas is on the 25th. 25 minus 21."
He squints at her. She's made the holiday into something worse: school. There has been a frightening upturn in him sitting and working on papers. Papers that get scanned and thrown away. It is pointless and makes him tired. He does well on them but he would rather be doing other things.
"25 minus 21. The twenties cancel each other…leaving us…what?"
Then came the rise in chores. Sephiroth has never felt the urge to argue but did the first floor need to get swept every other day? Or how he has to be the one to go down to the pantry in the basement to haul potatoes up to the kitchen? Charlie's daily walk is the only chore he truly enjoys.
"Five minus one," he supplies.
"And that is?"
He sighs and glares at her smile. His brain hurts. He's been thinking so much lately. They've been asking him harder and harder school questions and then his own escape planning takes up everything else. He falls asleep immediately now and dreams of nothing. Christmas is not on his mind. Last year, he had tried to guess what his two presents would be. This year, he's barely given it any thought.
Instead of answering her question, he puts his arms up on the table and drops his head in them.
"Drama queen." She taps the crown of his head. "Come on, I know you know it, even if you cheat and just count the difference in days. Five minus one. One, two…"
He stays still, hoping to wait this one out.
She taps the answer on his skull.
He doesn't move.
She taps again.
"Four," he says.
"Good job." She doesn't even sound false as she pushes back from the table. "Stay there. I'm going to get us a snack."
Sephiroth waves his feet under the table as her chair scrapes back in place. She hums a Christmas song under her breath. He swallows. They haven't put him in the green mist again. Every day it doesn't happen makes him sure that the next day will be it. When it doesn't happen then, the knot in his chest grows tighter. They have tried to talk to him about it but each time he's run away. If he doesn't listen, maybe they can't do it.
It's not true.
It was coming and they are going to trick him into it like last time.
Someone knocks on the front door. Charlie barks. Sephiroth doesn't move. The darkness between his arms suits him.
"Landon," Mariella shouts, "Susan is early with the shipments. Can you help her?"
The doctor only grunts from the office. The door clicks open and closes. Sephiroth's hair flutters as the man passes him.
"You should stop sulking and being selfish," he says, "you are getting personal tutoring and cookies."
Sephiroth doesn't move as the footsteps fade away. Dishes click in the kitchen and Mariella still hums. Charlie's claws clatter against the tile in the entryway. Landon opens to the door. The cold gets far enough in to tickle the back of his neck. Maybe if he sits here long enough, they will leave him alone and he can do the fun things that he used to have so much time for.
"Merry Christmas, Landon."
The voice is not Susan's. It is deep and new. Sephiroth's head jerks up to look in the direction. Someone new at their door in the middle of winter?
"Professor Gast. What are you doing here?" Landon's voice is shocked.
Sephiroth sits up fully alert.
The dishes clatter in the kitchen. Mariella rushes past the table.
"Do you mind if I come in first? It's still snowing plenty out here."
"Of course. We weren't expecting company. Coffee? Tea?"
Sephiroth slips from the table, keeping on hand on the top. His feet are quiet against the wood. Something scared stirs in his stomach.
"No, no, I'm fine. Warmth is all I require. Mariella. Hello! Merry Christmas. How are you?"
He inches towards the entrance now. The cold cuts off as the door shuts. Shoes stomp against the mat. Car tires crunch the snow outside and disappear. Rarely do new people come unplanned. It is even rarer for the new person to cause the doctors to seem so flustered. The last person like that was Professor Hojo. He pauses with one wall dividing him and the new company. There is an empty spot in the pantry downstairs from where the last large bag of flour used to be. He could fit in there. He would have to go now.
"I'm fine. It is such a surprise to see you. What brings you here?" Mariella's voice twitters.
Sephiroth peeks around the doorway. A man by himself peels off his coat and shakes the snow from it. He's tall but in a different way than Professor Hojo. This man is fuller and softer. He doesn't bleed danger. Instead he is already at home here, relaxed and confident compared to the quick gestures of everyone around him.
The stranger looks up from the coat and finds Sephiroth immediately. He waves softly at him. "Well, I'm here to see you, Sephiroth."
Another change. Another bad doctor who will change everything for him.
Sephiroth steps back, out of sight and presses himself against the wall. His heart crawls into his throat. This is the start of his nightmares again until the grown ups find a way to drown this one. He stares helplessly at the kitchen door. His feet won't move. Charlie leaves the new man and comes around the corner. The big head shoves into his hands.
"He's been a little shy around strangers recently," Mariella says.
"That's okay. I was shy when I was around his relative age." Professor Gast's voice grows louder. He's coming. "I've been keeping an eye on both Project G and S but you see, I don't always trust Hojo to report the truth so I thought a snowy vacation might be in order."
Sephiroth almost runs but his mind has cleared. Both doctors find this man to be important. He wants to be good and not to embarrass them. Running and hiding won't help. Charlie's breath is warm on his chest. His fingers curl tight in the fur. The doctor turns the corner. His eyes search the table covered in homework first before finding him only a few feet to his left.
He does the same thing that Professor Hojo does. He squats on the floor and extends his hand. "Merry Christmas S, it's nice to finally meet you."
The stress mounts in his mind and makes his mouth run dry. Charlie wanders off. Sephiroth puts his hand out and it is shaken. Now would come the fingers and poking and fear. A shiver goes through Sephiroth but he stands his ground. Questions are in Gast's eyes. After a moment, he releases the grip. Sephiroth thinks about going for the hiding spot. It's his last chance. He gets one more second.
The professor's hands fall back into his lap. He searches Sephiroth's face. Could he hear his teeth chattering?
Professor Gast stands up and turns around. "It has been a long trip. Might I take you up on that offer of tea?"
The pressure releases in his chest.
The next hour is strange. They go to the living room and sit. Professor Gast takes Mariella's spot on the couch so everyone silently adjusts around it. Sephiroth sits on the fireplace although Landon pulls a dining room chair in for him. It is his job to keep an eye on the fire and to feed it.
Professor Gast doesn't take up space like Professor Hojo. Instead, he grants it. Landon talks more than he ever has and Mariella smiles comfortably. Maybe it is because Professor Gast is older. Small wrinkles come around his eyes when he smiles. He's not much older than the doctors but he feels like he knows everything and sees only the good.
They talk about the weather and the local people. A place called Wutai comes up several times and that is the only time that Professor Gast starts to lose his easiness. These people have something that Midgar wants. Professor Gast turns out to be the head of the Research and Development section of Shinra or as he explains in a way that is directed at Sephiroth: "their boss's boss."
Sephiroth stays away from the conversation, only poking the fire and making sure it doesn't go out. He expects to find himself bored but it isn't that way. The conversation is catered from Professor Gast to keep everyone engaged. Their eyes connect a few times. Sephiroth busies himself with the poker immediately.
"Well, Sephiroth do you want to show me around town? Or whichever sights there are to see?" Professor Gast asks when the conversation goes quiet.
He looks at Mariella. She's nodding at him.
"Okay."
Professor Gast presses on his knees and rises. "Well, let's get exploring before the sun sets."
The professor allows Sephiroth to lead him out of the house ten minutes later. Mariella tries to straighten his scarf three times before Sephiroth slips away. The sun is low and the mountain cuts the light. The snow is gray and pink in the twilight. Sephiroth glances behind at the professor. He smiles and gestures. Why would someone in the big city want to see anything here? There is nothing remarkable to see.
Out of habit, he cuts to the side of the mansion where Charlie likes to poop in the mornings. The beaten path is easy enough to walk through. The mansion looks impressive enough hopefully. The ice crunches under their boots. Professor Gast puffs. Sephiroth stops where the footpath ends and where he usually stands to watch Charlie. The professor stops next to him.
"This is the side of the house," Sephiroth says, unsure.
"And so it is." He pauses and stares at it like it is a new thing. The snow encases the side and the ivy sticks through where the leaves are still poking out. The proud decoration shows through, making the building look fancy. Sephiroth warms his hand in his pockets. The cold wraps around them.
"Which window is yours?" The professor looks down at him.
He breaths mist at his shoes. "It's around front."
"Show me."
Sephiroth sends him a questioning look and Professor Gast continues to follow him. This is a strange man. The birds call from the trees as they work back through the path. The rest of the yard is heavy with snow. It is up to his calves. It is big steps there. The front has the path he's been shoveling daily. Tomorrow he is supposed to make it bigger.
"That one in the upper left corner with the blue drapes."
Professor Gast stands behind him as he points.
He hums knowingly. "That's not a bad view of the yard and you can almost see the center of town. Pretty good for a boy your age. It doesn't get too much light in the morning."
"I guess so." He shrugs. The professor is right but no one usually cares about him.
Sephiroth turns towards the town, walking onto the shoveled walkway.
Professor Gast follows. "So tell me, how are you doing?"
Sephiroth crunches up his face and kicks a drift.
"I'll take that as good."
They walk through the gates. It is late enough that everyone is back in their houses. The main circle of houses are warm with their lighted windows and smoky chimneys. Various dinner smells mix in the air. Professor Gast trolls next to him to the main street that circles around the frozen water tower.
"How do you like Mariella and Landon?"
"They're okay." Sephiroth isn't sure what he should or shouldn't be saying.
"That answer equates to the face that you made earlier." He waves at the inn. Someone at the window waves back and then slides back into the shadow. "They are more scientists than parental units I fear."
Sephiroth listens to the water tower creak to his left. "They aren't my parents so I don't think of them in that way."
"What did they tell you? About your parents?" He almost pauses. Sephiroth tucks his nose in his scarf.
"My mother died giving birth to me. Her name was Jenova. She gave her body to science. Nobody could locate her family so Shinra took me in," He recites this and then frowns. "I don't understand why someone would want a mother or a father. I've been fine without them."
Professor Gast puts a hand on his shoulder and it is strange. "I can tell that you have been very brave for a very long time."
A feeling flickers in Sephiroth. The knot loosens. There is care in Gast's eyes, not just numbers and graphs. He doesn't shrug off the hand like with other adults. Instead, he takes a breath and silver hair falls out from under his knitted hat. He feels funny. His knees are knobby and locked into the place.
Somehow Professor Gast sees all this and his smile doesn't cut his face in two like Hojo's. It belongs there. The hand squeezes and then lets go. Sephiroth leans forward towards him but then catches himself. Gast starts walking again and it takes him a moment to catch up to those long strides. His hands are tucked in his coat pockets. Sephiroth does the same.
"I wanted to talk to you about your bravery. I heard that Professor Hojo wants to continue to experiment with mako."
The knot is back and he's cold. The lamps flicker on. He looks up to see that the sun has gone.
"The green gas?"
"The mako, yes S." He nods.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"This is understandable."
They crunch through the snow quietly. He doesn't turn back towards the house and Sephiroth wishes he would. The topic hangs between them. It hurts his head until something strikes him. Professor Gast is everybody's boss. He could keep this from happening.
"Professor Gast? Can you stop them?" He asks and the professor's eyebrows raise. The words come flowing out of him. "I don't want to burn in the basement again. I was so lonely and then I was sick. It hurt. It really hurt. Even if it healed all the way and now I am stronger, it really hurts and I feel different. It was scary. I don't want it to happen. Please, tell them to not do it. Please, sir."
They stop circling.
"Did they talk to you about the treatment?"
"No."
The less that they talked about it, the less likely that it was going to happen. Sephiroth is sweating, he realizes, the warmth is trapped around his body.
"Come inside," Professor Gast says and nods towards the inn, "Let's have a chat about it."
Sephiroth has been in the inn. It's been a long time. It is a rare thing for him to leave the grounds because the town is boring. Most of the people here work at the reactor until their skin runs thin against their faces and until they collapse into dirt. Mariella did have the local kids come but it was always in the mansion. Still, once on their way back from getting a big delivery, Landon had stopped at the inn and so did Sephiroth.
Professor Gast opens the door and it smells just like before, warm wood, smoke and the undercutting smell of beer. The travelers come and go. Only a few of them are here tonight. The bar stretches across the back of the room where Jean, a friend's mother, smiles at him.
Professor Gast turns to the stranger that sits by the window. This is the one that had waved earlier. The man is laid out between two wooden chairs but barely fits. Muscles bunch up his sweater and his boots are bigger than Sephiroth's head. He's built in a way that he's never seen before. Across the table lies a sword larger than his imagination. The stranger looks at him and Sephiroth can't stop staring. His features are completely different. His eyes have sharp corners at the edges and deep black cropped hair catches the light.
As they approach, he starts to disengage himself from the chair he's got his feet propped on.
"No need for that," Professor Gast says.
"What do you need, boss?" He leans back and crosses his arms. They are thicker than Sephiroth's legs. "Enjoying that evening stroll?"
Sephiroth's eyes leave him for the weapon again. The sword is a real weapon. This isn't something that goes after the local wildlife. It is heavy and solid. This is something that is meant to kill people and is very good at that job.
A hand comes down on his shoulder, centering his scattered attention.
"It's been fine. I wanted you to meet Sephiroth. Sephiroth, meet Orlin. He's my bodyguard…of sorts."
Orlin half laughs and takes a drink out of the cup next to him. "If he ever needs one, the professor only stays in his office and goes to remote locations. Everybody laughs for such a cushy assignment."
"Orlin has a habit of complaining about anything." Professor Gast ushers Sephiroth into a chair before finding another chair. "The more important topic is who he is."
The big man stills and raises an eyebrow. "Yeah? Who I am?"
The warmth of the room gets to his toes. He wiggles them experimentally in his boots and shifts on the seat.
"S, Orlin is a SOLDIER. Do you know about that?"
Sephiroth shakes his head. The edge of the sword is raw in places. Chucks of metal are gone because of the countless monsters. Orlin's fingers pass over the hilt and Sephiroth looks away.
"You shouldn't. Not yet, anyways. SOLDIER is a new secret program. We've been enhancing people like Orlin with mako. It makes them stronger than anyone else. They protect Midgar and the planet from all hazards."
"Except boredom," Orlin supplies idly.
Professor Gast's continues without any notice. "He went through the same treatment that you'll be going through. Can you talk about the mako exposure? The secondary one, not the primary."
Orlin's eyes lock on Sephiroth. "What are you talking about? He's not tall enough to hold a shovel."
"I will explain later. Can you talk about the treatment? The one with the mask?"
Orlin leans against the table and it shifts in his direction. Sephiroth is in awe. He has always been skinny. This SOLDIER's arms change shape as he crosses and then uncrosses them. He drags the weapon off the table and sets it against his chair.
"I'm drawing a blank on what you want me to say here, professor."
"What did we do and how did you feel?"
Sephiroth is listening to every breath this man takes. It would be incredible to be like him, so strong and confident that he would be okay sitting alone in this room without a worry in his head. He could snap the table in two. Sephiroth is sure.
He speaks slowly, "The second treatment, I put on this mask and it had mako in the air. It made me fall asleep and then I slept through the rest. End of story, kid."
Orlin takes a deep drink of the beer and stares him down. He's digging under the surface to find out why. Sephiroth knows that it isn't his place to say. Mariella made him promise not to tell anyone who he really is.
"Did you hurt afterward?" Sephiroth asks instead.
"No. I was a little groggy but it was like a hangover or maybe a headache. Why are-"
Professor Gast interrupts them. "What happened to you was uncontrolled and unfortunate, S. This way is better. Orlin doesn't lie. Do you see that?"
"Yes." Sephiroth's voice is quiet. The edge of the sword is parallel with the window. Snow falls again in gray clusters. Already their steps are half forgotten in the slow. Soon they would be gone completely.
"Frankly, if I'm talking man-to-man here, in a couple years, there could be a war." Professor Gast's face is serious. "No one wants it but it is coming."
Sephiroth feels the sadness in his voice. War is bad. He knows it from the way that the adults frown about it. From the history books that Landon reads with him, people die. More people than this entire town die. Who could ever do that? He can't imagine anyone killing another person. Everyone seems unmovable. This is the way that it has been, a quiet Nibelheim with quiet houses and lives.
"We need people like Orlin to keep places like this safe. We need you to help us find another solution before it's too late. Your heritage can show us the way." Professor Gast continues.
Sephiroth wishes that he isn't part of this conversation. He knows what is going to happen next. The professor leans over and puts his fingers on his hands. His face is sad but strong. No matter how he feels, Sephiroth imagines, he is going to do the right thing for everyone else.
"I know you aren't the happiest here but I want to ask you to stick it out and try the treatment. What do you say?"
The hand squeezes and Sephiroth closes his eyes. Fear is in his stomach. The mako burns are phantoms against his skin and he pulls himself closer. He thinks of Mariella, Charlie and even Landon. He thinks of war, this SOLDIER and the sword on the table.
"Okay," he says and looks at him, "I can try."
"Thank you." The sadness lingers in Professor Gast's eyes.
Happy new year and the introduction of our good old friend Professor Gast! If you thought a character could just be simply "good" in this story, you are sorely mistaken. What do you think?
Thanks for reading as always. -Quin
Minor line edits implemented 1/11/21