Chapter 46 - Being Okay

May, 1991

Sephiroth is cold as he stands outside the back entrance of Rafi's bookstore.

He couldn't guess the time. He's shivering. The sky is dark. The city is frozen under the stars. The world has gone to sleep. Except he is still awake. He can't sleep.

He laid on his bed in his room trying to but his eyes wouldn't close. Everything inside him wound tighter no matter which way he laid on the mattress. The room pressed against his lungs. He couldn't think. He'll be on a plane in six hours. He'll leave behind everything he knows. Interns will come in and pack up everything in this room. It will be stripped of him. R&D staff will start to use it again. Seven years of his life erased in a day.

It all screams in him.

Then loss of graduation breaks like a wave against his mind and numbs everything besides the fear.

So he escaped.

And found himself here.

On the fifth call, Rafi picks up.

"Why are you spamming my phone? It's three in the morning. I'm still mad at you. Go to bed," her voice is husky and annoyed.

Sephiroth pauses, air stuck in his lungs.

"Seriously go to bed. I'm going to hang-"

"I'm leaving for war tomorrow morning." He cuts into her words. "I don't know what to do. Can I come up?"

Static colors the line. Sephiroth stares at the peephole. He's bleeding. There is no cut but he's bleeding out on this stoop anyways.

"I'm at your back door. They don't know where I am. I'm going to turn off my phone and everything. I just…I just…need a little room. I need…I need to get away." When he says that, it makes sense.

"Shit," she says and then with more finality, "Shit."

"Can I-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me a minute."

The line goes dead. Sephiroth stares at the home screen. He doesn't know if Shinra tracks his phone but watching the dial in the center rotate and disappear loosens him. A car rolls by on a street nearby. He pulls his jacket close. No sword on his back tonight but a fire materia rolls warm in his pocket. Without his phone, he has no idea how long he'll have to wait for Rafi to open the door. She couldn't call him if she changes her mind.

So he sits down on the step and watches the sky above him. The planets are too far away to see but he tries to track down the stars that he knows. When he was young, he must have looked at the sky. Did he wonder about the rest of the universe as well? Wutai took that away from him. His nails dig into his palm. Now he is going to fight them. He shouldn't be this scared. He shouldn't be having this reaction at all. He's been training for this. He should be Midgar's Sephiroth.

But then why does he feel like a kid sitting on the steps of a back porch?

Footsteps appear on the other side of the door. The locks scrape back one after another. Sephiroth turns on the step and watches the door. Rafi opens it. She's disheveled, her pajamas loose and half her hair sticking up. His worries freeze. She overwhelms them as she leans against the door frame.

"Come on," she says and goes back in without another look.

They end up on the beaten couch in the bookstore drinking bad wine out of coffee mugs. They didn't know what else to do. Ben is asleep upstairs in the small apartment. Wine isn't anyone's suggestion but seems to be the only solution. Rafi mentions that it is her father's emergency wine. They are both almost of age and when the clock says four in the morning, no one really cares.

It's bitter and sour in the back of his throat but it does what it is supposed to. It only takes three mugs before the edges of his vision start to blur and the words that he could never say start to slip close to the surface.

"R&D is sending you to war early?" The room is dark but Sephiroth can still see her sitting crosslegged next to him. Street lights stripe the blanket on her lap.

"Yes."

"After everything that happened?"

Sephiroth winces as he takes another sip. "Yes."

The quiet pushes between them. He stares at the red liquid and wonders if blood looks like that. He takes a breath and tries to speak but these words are harder than the situational facts. If he says what he wants to, he can't take them back. He can't change Rafi back to not knowing. Shinra doesn't approve of emotions and feelings. Dinand never humored a single insecurity. Once Sephiroth had said that he wasn't sure he could lift a weight set. Dinand had forced him to do it three times and bruises speckled his arms for days after.

She'll hate him for this. Everyone wants his strength and power. No one wants who he is underneath it. That is what is leaking out of him now.

War will take him. There is a very good chance that he won't have to worry about what she thinks of him. He could be dead by Sunday.

"My trainer, Dinand." He starts, testing the beginning of the phrase, and when there is no response, he continues. "He's told me multiple times that I'm not good enough. I shouldn't believe him. I know I shouldn't but-"

The couch creaks as Rafi shifts her weight. The wine is heady in him. His heart moves thickly. He watches the wine lap the stained sides of the mug.

"He's the one. The bruises are from him. That's why I was gone that week. He-I got hurt too badly. That last time."

A tremor shakes him.

It breaks it all open.

He closes eyes. The words spill out into his lap. "I'm afraid to go. I'm not what everyone thinks. That's why I couldn't tell you before, because I know he is right and I'm going to the front and prove him right."

Saying it out loud makes it true. He holds his breath. He should have been able to withstand the simulation that Dinand put him through. He should have been able to beat anything that has been put in front of him. He is supposed to be the hero. Instead, he will fail in front of his men. He will fail in front of his country and then everyone will know.

His breath hisses out between his teeth.

He feels himself droop forward.

He's just a kid in a costume.

He can't look.

She's the first one to know the truth.

Maybe this time she is actually disappointed in him.

The hug scares him so much that he drops the mug. The wine hits the carpet, pouring out onto the floor. She dips under his shoulder and wraps her arms around him. He flinches and freezes. What is he supposed to do? This isn't what should be happening. She should be pushing him away. Instead, her face presses into his chest. Fingers curl harder around his body. She smells like the alcohol they have been drinking.

Stutters leave his mouth. His hands hover above her.

"Maybe it is just that shitty wine talking but you're being a big dummy," She says into him.

He doesn't fight. He can't. Her arms around him creates a short circuit that circles wildly around this warmth. She is holding him. He can barely comprehend it. Mariella's occasional affections don't last too long. Orlin punches him in the shoulder but it makes him nervous because Dinand's punches are always aimed at his face.

How is he supposed to handle a hug?

He should push her away. His hands fall to rest on her shoulders, ready for her to come to her senses.

She sighs and repeats herself. "Such a big dummy that smells like a hospital."

The words soak in. He is being dumb. She's telling him he is wrong. His arm comes around her and he dares to press his cheek against her hair. The contact makes him spiral further away from everything. She isn't rejecting him. She's holding him even closer. His eyes dip shut. For the first time, he can feel how tired he is and how much further he has to go but at least he isn't alone.

"He really shouldn't have done that to you." Her breath warms his chest. "That was stupid and he's wrong about you."

He holds her tighter, trying not to crush her. Those words sink in further than ever before. It shouldn't have happened to him. He shouldn't have endured that. Someone knows what it has done to him. She is saying it was wrong. A wall inside him crackles. Emotion wells up against him. First it is Dinand, now graduation and now he gets this.

He buries his head against hers so she can't see his face.

"Tell me where Dinand is so I can beat him up."

He shakes with a laugh. She's quick to join him. The laughter continues as Sephiroth starts to collapse under the weight of both of them. He can't hold himself up any longer. She drops forward onto him as they fall back. Sephiroth rubs his face, wiping away the tears that come with the chuckle. Rafi groans on his chest. He reaches for his drink but remembers as his fingers brush the porcelain that it has poured out.

"I'm sorry. I'm so tipsy. Wait, is this drunk? Am I drunk? Are you drunk? Are we drunk?" Rafi's words slur and gutter into sounds. Sephiroth feels himself laughing again. He's had three more mugs than her. Damn mako.

The words stop but the conversation continues. Neither make any other move than stay where they are. Rafi's head remains tucked under his chin. Her arm wraps around his stomach tucking in towards his spine. Her fingers make idle moves against the black fabric. The solidity of the body settles him into the furniture. His breath starts matching her lazy ones. Peace rests over them in the room. He studies the ceiling and the stains from years ago.

Her phone lights up on the coffee table but there is no notification. His eyes draw across the screen. It's nearing five in the morning.

The war starts today. Shinra is going to make the first move and he will be there for it.

He'll probably kill someone. He'll end someone's life on the edge of his sword before the sun sets.

"Do you think I'll be okay?" He asks as the morning sun stretches red across the ceiling. He knows his doubts are coming out with his words.

Rafi turns on him. It wakes him up a little. Still, he knows fear is there in his eyes when they hazily look at each other. He knows that the reality is there naked and terrified right under the surface. He doesn't act this way. He always shoves it deeper and deeper until he is sure it won't come back up to the surface again or it can only explode so deeply in him that he caves in on himself.

"You'll be okay," She says softly and leans up, kissing him gently on the forehead. "You're Sephiroth."

The kiss hurts in the care it gives.

Maybe it is the wine, maybe it isn't, but they fall asleep next to each other on the couch and finally Sephiroth rests.

It's the last time he rests for a long time.