Love must be as much a light, as it is a flame.
~Henry David Thoreau~
Vera marched through the hospital's hallways, straight through the Intensive Care Unit. Dave's hand stalled on her shoulder as she stopped cold in front of Erin's room. The door was closed and the air seemed to freeze around them.
Vera fought back chills that raked down her spine. "How bad?" her lips had gone numb and her throat was parched.
Dave nodded solemnly,Vera wasn't talking about the doctor's report. "It's a lot to take in," he said gently.
"She's never-" she cleared her throat, "she's always been tough. Too tough," she paused, how could Dave just stand there and listen? But she had to keep talking. She wasn't ready to watch her only child fight for her life right in front of her.
"On everyone," she continued. Her gray eyes flicked up to meet his, "she got that from me."
"She needs you," Dave squeezed her shoulder. "She needs her mom now."
"No," she argued in a hard tone, "she needed me a long time ago. As usual I'm a day late and a dollar short." She wasn't even in the room and she needed a smoke. Her hand automatically moved towards her purse, she dug out the pack of full-flavoured Marlboro 100s.
"Give me that," Dave demanded. He didn't wait for a response before he wrapped one hand around her wrist.
"Ow!" She snapped, "come on, Dave!" She cried as his grip tightened. "You're gonna break something! I'll have you know, I'm low on calcium!"
Her elbow connected with his chest as he wrestled the pack of cigarettes from her grip.
"What the fuck was that for?" She spat and glared at him. Rubbing her wrist with her other hand. "You could have just asked. I don't know who you think you are, Rossi but you can't just man-handle someone like that!"
He arched an eyebrow. "You can't smoke in a hospital. It's a felony," he reminded her. "Consider the whole pack confiscated."
"Fine." She poked him in the chest. "But as soon as we're done here-"
"I don't care if you smoke until your lips fall off when we're done here," he said dryly.
"Fuck off." She threw over her shoulder, "Why don't you go take a walk while Sleeping Beauty and I have a little chat. God knows you could use the exercise."
Here we go, I could hear you two idiots from the hallway.
Vera couldn't contain the lump in her throat, when was the last time she'd laid eyes on her only child? Something was wrong and it wasn't just the life-supportive machines. Stepping hesitantly towards the bed, Vera laid one hand against Erin's leg. Heat rose off her like a struck match and Vera withdrew her hand. "Oh, My Darling, what have they done to you? How did you end up here?" Vera's stomach clenched as her hand traveled upward to her face. "What is it that man of yours telling me, Baby?" She struggled against the tightness in her chest, staring down at her daughter's lifeless body; with nothing but the rhythm of machines to break the stillness in the air. There was no light except for the sterile bulbs in the corners that gave off just enough light to cast a shadow.
Please, Mom, go home. He should have never called you.
"That sonofabitch, stole my cigarettes, too," she needed to fill the empty space that Erin's voice was supposed to take up.
Dammit, no, you were supposed to quit!
"I know I was going to quit, I did for awhile, Honey but nobody lives forever."
Well, shit. One of us is going to have to live and right now, I'm not so sure that it's going to be me! Erin wanted to scream, she wanted to cry and beg for release from this silent Hell; but no one could hear her cry. The tightness in her chest refused to fade, panic creeped into veins and contaminated her bloodstream. The simple truth was, they were going to die, or worse, be stuck, immobile and mute.
Leaning forward, Vera brushed a kiss to Erin's forehead and Erin felt the closeness. Her mother's fingers brushed her hair away from her face, as if she were a little girl again, transported back in time when life was simpler and her biggest concern was whether or not she would get to go to school the next day.
You reek like an ashtray.
The monitors blared, breaking the silence, "Oh my God, Erin!"
Panic gripped her and for a heart stalling moment, Vera watched her daughter's heart rate rise and plummet on the monitor. "What happened?"
"I don't know," A nurse shouted, "But you need to leave this room."
Vera's feet were unwilling to move, she was frozen to the floor, her gaze glued to the tiny screens recording her child's vital signs, her only signs of living.
The room flooded with nurses and doctors, "You need to go, right now." Someone said and forced her towards the door.
The entrance was surrounded by medical personnel and she found Dave in the throng. "My presence was less than welcome." She couldn't loosen the pressure that seemed trapped in her chest and she was afraid she would break. She couldn't break down here, not while she was so close to the one person on the planet who needed her to keep it together. "I should have never gone into that room."
"Let's take a smoke break," Dave said slowly, "J.J. sent the reporters packing so it's safe to go outside now." He put his arm around her slender shoulders and she didn't shrug it off. "Take my jacket, Erin would never forgive me if I let you keel over." He said and draped the leather jacket over her shoulders.
"I'm fine," she argued and tried to push past the numbness in her brain. She stalked towards the elevator with Dave close at her heels. She jabbed the button and waited for the steel box to take her outside and away from the sterile walls.
"You're in shock," he threw back, taking note of how her hand trembled as called for the elevator.
"Can I have my smokes now?" She reached out one hand as they boarded the empty elevator.
Dave hit the button to take them to the ground floor. "I think you've earned it," he passed her the pack but kept her lighter in his pocket until they were outside. Lest she try to set him on fire.
"Do you know how many fucks I could give over your approval right now, David Rossi?" She spat.
"Not many," he deadpanned, "but what you don't understand is, I'm not exactly thrilled with me either."
"That is my child," she hurled at him with as much venom as she could muster. She wanted him to hurt, she wanted him to suffer alongside of her. How could he be so fucking calm?
"And you don't think I know that, why else would I have called you?" His voice rose inside the steel box, "You're looking for somebody to blame and I'm a convenient target but if you really want the truth of the situation, you will shut the hell up and stop yelling at me, because, I've got news for you, Mother Dearest," He nailed her to the wall with a stare. "Right now, I'm the only person in the world who can tell you exactly what happened to your daughter."
The elevator slowed and the doors slid open and Vera hurried across the tiled lobby, ignoring the gift shop and their overpriced flowers, she didn't notice the cafeteria or the smell of the gourmet coffee shop. She might have stopped on another day, she might have bought a bunch of flowers and taken them to Erin's bedside, she might have bought a cup of coffee and taken comfort in the warmth of a six dollar styrofoam cup; on any other day, when she wasn't trying to get as far away from David Rossi as possible. But right now, her sole focus was the sliding glass doors that would yield fresh air and sunlight, no matter how fleeting.
"She can't have flowers right now," Dave said as they loitered near a bench on the far corner of the hospital, the silence surrounding them was palpable. "They have her on... regulated air."
"I noticed," she flipped the pack open and slid a cigarette between her fingers. Frowning, she stuck out one hand, palm up. "Give me the lighter."
"Are you going to use it on me?"
"I haven't decided."
"Right. That's comforting," He quipped and withdrew the silver lighter from his pocket. "I'd offer to light it for you but I think Erin would kill me if I contributed to your habit."
"Now there's a thought," she scoffed and flipped the top open, inhaling deeply as the nicotine did it's job.
"You wish," He threw back.
"Not even close." She said and sat down hard on the cold bench. The waning sunlight didn't seem to come close to warming her, she wanted to yell and curse the Gods who had done this to her and her family; but there was nobody she could lash out on. She didn't have choice but to be nice to David. "Tell me what happened to her."
Dave sat down, keeping his distance, he waited till she stabbed out her cigarette and reached for another. Passing her the lighter, he said, "She's always been good at her job."
"Tell me about it."
"She was working a case, I think she was closing in on the Unsub and that's when he attacked her."
"She was working alone?"
Dave nodded.
"You have an entire team of agents and you're telling me that Erin was working alone?"
"That's what I'm assuming. I was on my way back to her when I got to the hotel room there was no trace of Erin. The room was a wreck and I knew something was wrong. Hotch found her on a bench, like this one. She was delirious, we called 911 and I rode here with her."
"That's it?"
"That's it."
"She called me, before this. She was planning something for you that night."
The answers to his questions seemed to appear out of nowhere. Everything made so much more sense, Erin was going to tell him about the baby after the caught The Replicator. SHe hadn't been keeping secrets. She was protecting him so he could work the case uninhibited.
"That's why she left early."
"I think so."
"I need to get back to her," Dave said. "I don't like leaving her alone."
"She wouldn't leave you."
His mouth pulled into a sideways grin. "Don't I know it."
"What about the kids? David I can't let them see her like this."
"Tell them the truth, that their mother will be home soon."
"You don't know that!" Vera snapped.
"I believe it and that's enough; she's not giving up!"
"What if she has no choice? What do we do?"
Dave fixed her with a hard look, "those machines are keeping her alive, unless you make the choice, then she has every option to wake up. Swear to me you won't sign them."
"I could never."