It was only a few days after that whole conversation-incident thing.

You know—the Stain one?

Dad was overall peeved about it and the lack of discipline, but Aila used her 'Shamrock Charm' to calm him down.

"If you want to see them punished, do it yourself," she shrugged, walking into her room after petting Princess with the kittens.

Dad just flared at the direction she left in.

He clenched his jaw and turned away.

I wasn't stupid. I knew when I needed to seperate myself from a situation.

I slowly turned to go to my room, trying to be unseen and unheard.

"Nope. Get over here."

I froze, slowly turning back around to face my Dad.

His quirk was activated as he switched his finger at me, wanting me to walk to him.

I stepped forward with caution. "Yes?" I didn't dare say anything else. It would have been a lie. Who knew what kind of trouble it would bring me?

"Sit."

I plopped down on the couch.

"Did you say anything to any of them?" he inquired pointedly.

I shifted, kind of shrugging. "I told Iida-San that he misinterpreted my message to him before he left," I said. His quirk was deactivated so I could speak the truth fully, but he was standing, so he naturally towered over me.

"Anything else?"

"I also told him it was stupid."

"And?"

Frick you, Dad. He was not going to get the part where I praised them out of me, no matter how hard he tried. Every time he asked a question for me to continue, I was prompted to tell the truth. Because if I said "And what?" in response, he would know I knew what he meant, he would know there was something else.

"Andddd…I told them who my mother was."

That seemed to pique his interest. "Really?"

I nodded. "They seemed worthy of it, and they kinda figured it out since Alia's my aunt. They all know she and Mom were related."

He nodded. "Hm. Anything else you want to tell me?"

Oh thank god.

"No." There was nothing else I wanted to tell him.

"Okay. Go to bed."

That hit a nerve. "What?"

"You heard me."

For some reason, the fact he was just shipping me off to bed without saying anything other than 'go to bed' didn't sit well with me. Even though he's done it in the past, and I've never felt so...let down because of it.

But now, it made me angry.

I took a calming breathing in and out, standing up.

"Love you too," I said haughtily.

"Hey, hey, hey, hold it right there," he commanded.

I stopped walking.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

I turned around lazily. "Going to bed."

His glare intensified. I didn't really care. "You mind your tone, young lady."

I gritted my teeth, and flashed him a smug smile, turning, again, to leave.

"What has gotten into you?" he demanded.

I rolled my eyes, still not facing him. "What do you mean?"

"I mean this," he said. "Turn around and look at me."

I slowly turned around.

"What's wrong, Samiko?"

That question brought me back to reality.

"I don't know," I said begrudgingly.

"I think you do know," he contradicted. "And I want you to tell me."

I legitimately cannot lie, what are you talking about?

"I genuinely don't know," I said impatiently. "What you said just tipped me off for no reason, okay?"

"What did I say?"

I got strangely emotional. I swallowed back my tears.

"You just…Told me to go to bed…and it…upset me, but…I'm not sure why," I confessed tersely.

He was quiet for a minute.

I mentally scolded myself for being and acting so weird. What was wrong with me?

"I think you need some rest," Dad spoke again, much quieter and gentler. "I'm sorry for sounding short or inconsiderate. But you've had a long week. You aren't acting like yourself."

You could say that again.

I nodded. "Okay."

"I love you, Samiko."

"I love you too, Dad."

I walked into my room.

.o0o.

That night, I didn't sleep well.

Actually, I didn't sleep at all until early the next morning

Thankfully, though, it was the weekend, and Dad had a decent amount of respect of my desire to sleep in on weekends, as he shared the same desire.

So, I woke up at 3. In the afternoon.

And my dad didn't say a thing…?

And….I felt…decent?

Since I fell asleep at around 4 in the morning, since I was up feeling weepy and guilty all night. Then, I fell asleep. Then, next thing I know, I smell coffee. Then, next thing I know, it's the middle of the afternoon.

And, I hate my life.

Because there's freaking blood on my bed. And leaking through my underwear. And my shorts.

And my back hurt like a bitch.

A shot of fear went through my chest as I second-guessed my situation.

"Aila?!" I shouted.

She opened the door without knocking, and I could tell she was worried for me.

"What is it?" she asked urgently. "What's wrong-"

She saw the blood spot on my bed and seethed.

"Ohh, man. I'm so sorry, Sami. Are you feeling okay?"

I looked at her like she grew two heads. What do you mean, am I feeling okay? I am bleeding out.

I decided to remain calm, although I really didn't want to.

"Come on, hun. Let's get you to the shower and clean you up."

"But," I protested, rubbing my eyes. "What about the bedsheets?"

"I can wash 'em, don't worry about it," she waved off, helping me up.

I kinda waddled into the bathroom, stripping down and sighing at my stained underwear. That's never going to come out, is it?

I decided to take a pee, hearing through the door Aila taking off my bed sheets.

God, this was so gross. Why did it smell like that?

I heard a knock on the door as I turned the showerhead on. A thought fleeted across my mind; 'maybe it's Princess or Sleepy,' and I almost turned to open the door.

Then I realized, cat's don't knock, they scratch.

Dingus.

"Who is it?" I asked, still groggy from my 17 hour nap.

"It's me," Dad's voice rumbled through the door. "Can I come in?"

I'm literally about to shower-

"Uhm, no?" I said, still tired, but not as short as I thought I would have come across.

"Okay. Are you doing good?"

"Uh…as well as I can be?" I said.

"Okay. I'm heading to town to get you some stuff. Aila filled me in."

"Of course she did," I muttered. I sighed gently and raised my voice again. "Thank you, Dad."

"No trouble. Call me if you need anything while I'm out."

"Okay. I love you."

He was quiet for a heartbeat longer than normal. It wasn't like me to just…blurt out I love you like that. Like, I told him I loved him, but he almost always said it first, before I responded the same. It must have caught him off guard, and I was aware of that.

"I love you too, kid. Try to fix your damned sleep schedule while I'm gone."

I sighed again. Yeah…that did need some fixing, didn't it?

"Okay."

And with that, he left.

I stepped into the shower and pulled the curtain. I dampened my hair and body, rotating around.

What I said before about feeling good after the 17 hour nap? Yeah…forget that. I felt horrible. I wanted to go back to sleep, and then not wake up.

Probably ever.

I grabbed some of my shampoo and squeezed the concoction into my hand, lathering it on my hair, scrubbing at the roots.

I watched as the water dripped down my body-my toned stomach and legs, however short they were, realizing now, that…not that I was now a woman because that's bull dung, I'm still only 12 and just because I started leaking blood meant that I have come into womanhood, it just meant that being a female sucked-but that I was growing up. Ultimately, it meant that if I wasn't careful in the future, I could become a mom.

My mind drifted. It shouldn't have, I shouldn't have let it drift, but it did. What if my period happened two years ago? Before the apartment was broken into?

Before….

A wave of nausea rolled in my stomach. I felt the urge to curl in on myself, to sit on the floor and cover my legs and chest.

I scrubbed at my scalp harder, my arms falling as low as they could while being able to clean my hair.

I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop the memories as they floated back up in my mind, and new ones revealed themselves. I couldn't stop the thought from reaching the forwardmost part of my brain, echoing into my subconscious.

What if those men came again?

I suddenly froze and tensed, my soap covered hands falling over my face and chest, my knees bending as I lost my balance at the sudden jolt my body gave.

My breathing quickened, my stomach roiled. I felt hot, I scrambled for the temperature knob in the shower, to turn it down, make it cooler, make me cool off, snap me out of-

I could feel it. I could sense him outside the bathroom. I was just waiting for him to start banging on the door.

I was just waiting for him to open the door, see me defenseless, see his disgusting smile and-

I wretched, my stomach and back cramping at the same time. I found myself on my knees, clutching my stomach, my still soap lathered hand pressed over my mouth as I struggled to breathe through the bubbles and water.

My heart was clenched tight, I couldn't hide fast enough.

He's coming he's coming he's coming he's coming he's coming for me he's coming for me.

Stop it stop stop don't, please please don't.

Not again.

Not again--!

*knock knock knock.*

"No!" I screamed, I sobbed, I shook.

I heard a voice. The door slammed open and I screamed again. I bent over my crumpled body, the shampoo stinging my eyes. I was fully aware of the world around me, and unable to do anything about it.

"Samiko? Samiko, look at me! Talk to me honey…" Aila was trying to talk to me through it all, and I greatly appreciated it.

But I couldn't stand the feel of her bare hand against the skin of my arm.

I flinched harshly, letting out another yelp at the feeling, feeling utterly exposed, vulnerable, useless.

"Breathe, Sami-Chan. You can do it. Come on. Breathe in…"

I breathed in.

"Hold it for four counts."

I knew this breathing pattern. It was for panic attacks. Is that what this was?

I held it for four counts.

"And exhale, eight counts."

I did.

"Hold for four counts."

"Breathe in seven counts," she said gently. I heard the shower shut off.

I did.

I held. I exhaled. I held. I inhaled. I held.

And after several long, horrid minutes of this, I calmed down. The feeling was still there, but the fear had left.

What was this feeling? This…feeling in my stomach where I couldn't bear to sit in my own skin? Where I could hardly believe that this was the person I had grown to become, where the thought of looking at any part of my body-my hand, my finger, my knee-had me revolted? I had never felt this way before. I…I didn't know what to do with it, with myself?

And then I realized, I realized from the memories of other people I'd seen, what this horror at the thought of looking at myself in the mirror was. The thought made me as sick as the thought of those men coming and touching me again. I realized what it was.

I hated myself.

Why? Why did I hate myself? Why did I feel this way?

Why was it all coming back now? Why was I seeing faces I'd never seen? Why was I having phantom feelings of where I had been touched, inside and out, when I never had before?

Why did I have to sleep for seventeen hours? Why was everything in my life so messed up?

I wasn't sure how long I was there until I just stopped. I stopped freaking out. I calmed down, I registered the shower was off and I was finally cool.

Everything came back to me. Aila was above me, still not touching me. I saw the shadow of my body cast on the porcelain material. My legs were bare…I was completely naked. My back hurt. My chest was tight, I felt so horrible.

I felt ugly. I felt used.

"Sami?" Aila asked gently.

And I cried.

I just…I just cried. I didn't overdo it, it didn't feel hysterical like it did earlier, but it was real. This was probably the first time I really cried since…

Since before I was sent away. Every other time I cried, even when I thought Dad was going to die and I was going to be all alone, I didn't cry like this. I refused to let myself.

But now…I couldn't stop it.

The bad feelings all stayed, not the anxiety, but the horrible feeling in my stomach that made me want to throw up.

"It's not fair," I moaned.

"What's not fair?" Aila coaxed gently.

"Why-" I hiccupped. "Why is…" I let out a sob as I tried to push myself up, my arms covering my chest.

I wiped my eyes with a damp hand. I didn't look at my aunt. "Why do I have to suffer for the evil of someone else?" I said finally, burying my face in my hands. "It's not fair!" I shouted, the bathroom echoing with the sound of my voice. "Why do I hate myself?! I didn't do anything wrong…" I trailed off into another round of sobs, bending back over myself as I cried openly.

Aila was quiet for a while and I could tell she was on the verge of crying as well.

"What did I do…?" I asked, voice weaker than I had ever thought it could be. "I've never felt this way. Why is it coming back now? Why do I hate myself?"

"It's not fair, Samiko," Aila cooed. "That the things others do affects you. I…I don't know why people are so evil," she said.

I looked at her then, my face flushed from the crying, and I shivered from the cool air.

She stood up then, probably to turn up the thermostat in here since I was obviously cold, and I looked down again, at my soapy hands and my naked body.

"I'm sorry," I said, barely over the breath of a whisper.

"It's alright, Samiko."

"No, it's not." I had a headache from that. It must have been a lie, but not that big of one since I still said it. Or it could have been something else entirely.

But she paused. She probably noticed that I wasn't lying, and was curious, "What do you mean it's not okay?"

"Me," I said without thinking. More tears began to fall out of my eyes, but I didn't…cry. I wiped them with my arm, which wasn't soapy. "I'm not okay, and…I don't know why. And I don't know how to fix it."

She only looked at me with sympathy, not knowing what to say or do.

"Well," she said gently, "I'm not sure either. Maybe your hormones are acting up, and that triggered something that we do need to handle."

I nodded, but didn't say anything. Yeah, maybe that's what happened.

"Let's get you cleaned up, okay? Then you can get some rest."

I nodded again. "You-you can touch me now…if…like my hair and stuff. If you need to."

"Do you think you can wash your own hair?" she asked.

I shook my head, eyes still downcast in shame.

"Okay. Thank you for telling me, Sami-Chan."

He got the shower going again, and used the hand-held showerhead to clean off my hair and body. I was still sitting. I didn't think I had the energy nor the willpower to stand.

I was so ashamed.

I just couldn't stop thinking about the things I could have done to prevent it from happening, all the ways I was inadequate, all the bad things that had happened to me. For the first time, I was thinking about how it was all my fault.

Is this character development?

If it was, I hated it.

I hated hating myself. But I didn't know how to stop it. I felt violated. Defiled. I think I know why now that Hizashi, when he first found out about it, was treating me differently. He's normal now, but…

I think that I would have treated me differently too.

.o0o.

oka y so

Sorry for being gone so long…..it's been a hot minute

BUT

Not sorry for the angst…i couldn't help myself

ALSO i am making HUGE headway of my Todoroki story Frostbite (see on my profile PLEASE I LOVE IT SO MUCH) and I just passed a huge milestone in the story so I would so totally appreciate it if you guys would all go and just check it out, it would mean so much to me.

Also, uhhhhh from here it's going to kinda get bumpy….some canon divergence and change in timelines and stuff going on soon-feel free to leave ideas of what you want to see from this story and maybe others in the future. I make no promises and if I say no, the answer is no, I have boundaries; please respect them.

Anyway, thanks again to everyone who has stuck around for this long, all my readers, likers, commenters, and haters (only because they have yet to exist or to voice their opinions) because it means my story is getting out. It is truly thriving with 61K VIEWS?

AFTER ONLY A YEAR AND A HALF ALMOST?

THANKS YOU ALL?

Anyway I have a playlist up for this story, it's called 'blindisded - shota aizawa' both on spotify and youtube, you can get a sneak peak from the newly published chapter called 'playlist' between chapters zero and one. If you would like to check that out too….i wouldn't be opposed.

Anyway, thank you all again SO MUCH for all the love and support.

Stay strong everyone 3

I'll see you soon

.o0o.