DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything from the Naruto universe.

Thinking (+ flashbacks, "Naruto speaking to the Kyuubi in her mindscape," etc.)

Emphasis

Bijuu, etc. speaking

Bijuu, etc. thinking

Last time:

"Hello, cousin."

Tsunade had sobered up quickly after the brat punched her in the gut with a chakra-enhanced fist. As she picked herself up off the ground, ready to teach the brat a lesson she'd never forget, Tsunade wiped off her mouth and chin, believing it to be spit there.

Instead, she found her blood on her hand. Tsunade froze and time stood still.

"Calm down, Naruto! Can't you see something's wrong with her?" Rachel begged the furious little brighter blonde in her mindscape as she held her back.

"I don't care," Naruto hollered. "She shoulda been there! She coulda saved Ichika," she continued before beginning to cry.

Rachel put her arms around the girl, alternating between patting and rubbing circles into her back and trying to remember how she used to soothe her nephew. She was in a different world now, a world of chakra and ninjas, but some things remained the same. "Naruto, I'm not going to lie to you," she said as she kneeled down to look into the girl's insanely bright blue eyes. "I don't know what's happened to bring both of us here, together," she said, glancing at a clearly intrigued Kyuubi, "ALL of us," she corrected herself. "But Ichika-sama was VERY old. She died doing something I believe she would have wanted to in the end: protecting little kits," she finished, giving a surprised Kyuubi a wink.

He scoffed and turned his head away, but Rachel figured the big guy might have appreciated what she called children. Maybe she earned a few points with him? Gigantic with multiple tails or not, he was a fox, after all.

And foxes' offspring were kits.

"What do we do then?" Naruto asked as she watched big old Jiraiya and the pig lady tending to the Old Hag. "She seems weak."

"We know that she's not, though, don't we? Tsunade's a legend."

Naruto shrugged and seemed to fade a little, making Rachel almost panic. "You just sit here, okay? I'll handle this." Having moved back and forth from her mindscape to reality innumerable times before, Rachel thought nothing of it when she was back in what she now assumed was her borrowed body. "Forgive my insolence, please, Tsunade-sama," she said, bowing low, before popping back up, hoping that she wouldn't be attacked by a woman who could supposedly crush mountains.

Rachel then took a defensive stance, glad that her senses were still sharp, even with Naruto taking a back seat. IF that's how all this worked.

Frankly, she had no idea.

Her panic attack nearly over, the Slug Sannin breathed in deeply and took a second to look at Kushina's brat who had looked absolutely furious with her before. The kid had gone from looking like a feral little hellion to a proper - but chibi - allied kunoichi. "The fuck's your problem kid?"

Rachel hummed and considered her words. "N- I may have thought your absence to be the reason for Ichika-sama's death. That is unfair."

Tsunade stared at her for quite some time before the tension in the group faded. Tsunade slouched more and more before taking the pig into her arms from the other woman to hold against her.

"I'm sorry for your loss," Rachel said seriously. "I also appreciate that you're not pounding me. …I'm also in shock from killing so many and probably from being imprisoned," she continued blankly before wincing and nearly bending over. "Gomen. My hyperactivity has continued into this life."

Had she really said that? Oh well: whatever.

"My name is Uzumaki Naruto, I guess. Namikaze-Uzumaki…"

Tsunade raised an eyebrow then scoffed at her old teammate. "The kid's weird, Jiraiya." That raised Jiraiya's hackles, just like she intended it to, but the kid only shrugged, as if she was right.

"Tsunade-sama," Shizune had said in a scolding tone - Tsunade had known that was coming, too: it always was. "She's just a child! Be careful of what you say!"

"I'm really not," Rachel said, feeling like she was having an out-of-body experience. "I'm a kunoichi," she thankfully thought to add, as if that meant she was actually an adult again. Rachel didn't even realize when she sat down, cross-legged on the ground, but here she was. She began drawing a seal into the dirt with her finger and chakra before the Jiraiya guy - Naruto's godfather, she remembered furiously - told her to stop. She jumped up and knocked his ass back at least ten meters.

"Oh, sorry, Jiraiya-sama," Rachel said, not meaning it at all. Tsunade began chuckling as she walked over to take a look at her perverted teammate who was rolling around on the ground, holding his gut.

"I mean you no harm," Shizune cried as she raised an arm in surrender.

Naruto or Rachel - whoever the fuck she was again - slumped and shook her head. "I don't mean you any harm either," she said, stepping toward the woman who had been handed back the pig. "I was just pissed because he's my godfather."

The dark-haired woman didn't seem surprised but also lacked context, so Rachel groaned before explaining her reasoning. "I've been told I have a hot temper. Jiraiya-sama only informed me that he was my godfather - meaning, I assume, that he should have been my caretaker - after meeting him for the first time when he busted me out of prison today."

Shizune's mouth fell open before she scowled at Jiraiya, who had just been healed by her mentor. As soon as he stood up, Shizune swiftly chucked some coated senbon his way. The man collapsed again, making Rachel chuckle in spite of herself.

"We haven't met. My name is Kato Shizune."

"Kato," Rachel said, her memory providing another legendary name associated with that defunct clan's name that she'd read about. "Are you related to Kato Dan?"

"My brother," Shizune said, moving a hand away from the pig to cover her heart. Shizune was honestly very glad that someone - anyone other than she and her aunt - remembered and acknowledged her brother.

"I see," Rachel said, looking toward the Hokage Mountain at the impression of Naruto's biological father. Idly, she wondered if this Shizune person could perform the jutsu her brother was known for. Would Shizune whisk in and take over her "Spirit" like Dan Kato supposedly could?

And if she did, wouldn't she be surprised by what she found there? God: her life was so fucked up!

"This is Tonton, by the way."

"Hello, Tonton," Rachel said, finally really looking at the pig and feeling one side of her lips quirk up: the pig was wearing pearls and a fancy little coat. "Are you a summons?" The pig oinked at her and Rachel could already see that she wasn't, judging by the way the pig was shaking its head. Obviously, it understood the human tongue - and wasn't that interesting?

"Tonton has been Tsunade-sama's pet for many years. I end up caring for her more than anyone, I suppose," Shizune said, and Rachel thought she detected some bitterness there. "She's very smart."

"Tsunade-hime or Tonton?" Rachel asked.

"Both?" Shizune asked more than said before lowering her voice and coming closer to the blonde girl. "You realize that you're very lucky to be alive after touching Tsunade-hime against her will?"

Rachel shrugged. "I guess. So, do I live thanks to the fact that she's been drinking?"

The older woman smelled like a bar on Spring Break.

Shizune shook her head, ensuring that Tsunade was busy focusing on (and arguing with) Jiraiya before saying anything more. "She's in pain."

"Aren't we all?"

Shizune didn't say anything to that, but she did give Rachel a weird look. Jiraiya and Tsunade were heatedly arguing over something, and Rachel definitely heard Naruto's name come up, but the blonde found that she didn't particularly care what they were up to. She should be glad to be alive (again) if what Shizune said was true, and Rachel wasn't sure that she was anymore.

Her real parents - Rachel's parents, anyway - had killed people, she was almost sure of it: terrorists, enemies of America, that kind of thing. Was she the same? Or was she just trying to make herself feel better after what she had done? When she became a sales manager after college, she never thought she'd have to do what they had.

She might have once been a good shot with a gun, but that was only for hunting, and only hunting for food, as opposed to fun.

"In your religion, isn't killing a sin?" Kyuubi asked with a smirk, getting Rachel's attention.

"It is," she admitted, feeling even more shame. "I've told you before about the big sins, so maybe if I ask for forgiveness, I'll be okay?"

Frankly, she highly doubted it.

"And it's not cool to bug me about religion right now. Maybe - had your kind reminder come earlier - I may have had more time to consider my actions and choices," she said a little sarcastically. "Sorry. Bad week or so…"

The Kyuubi scoffed. "Why do you even try? Hasn't your God forsaken you? Look at that thing," he said in disgust, sneering at Naruto.

"OI! DON'T CALL ME A THING, DATTEBAYO!"

"Naruto," Rachel scolded firmly, "we do not raise our voices at Kyuubi-sama."

"WHY NOT?! He's only hurt us and killed Tou-san and Kaa-chan!"

"You didn't even know them," the Kyuubi snarled before going on about how horrible the girl's parents were; something Rachel had heard many times.

"We treat him politely because he is a sometimes wise being worthy of respect," Rachel said simply. "And you," the woman went on, narrowing her eyes dangerously at the Kyuubi, "please refrain from antagonizing a traumatized young girl!"

"Pfft. You were more fun when you were both of you."

Both blondes stared at the caged fox as if he'd said something ridiculous. Because he had!

"That has got to be the strangest statement you've ever made," Rachel grimaced while trying to comfort a crying Naruto. "However, I suppose it's rather nice of you. Thank you."

Kurama gawked at the high-heeled idiot. "How many times have I told you that I. Am. Not. Nice, Human?!"

Rachel sighed loud and long. "Many."

He was exhausting her.

"Did I mention that the day the Uchihas are completely eradicated will be the best day in history?" he asked as if to prove his point, looking smug. "We're at least halfway there!"

"You go too far," Rachel said angrily in a low voice.

The Kyuubi finally looked away from her and rested his head on his forearms. After getting Naruto settled down he clicked his tongue, getting their attention.

"You should pay attention," the Kyuubi said, meaning to those outside of her mindscape.

Rachel looked up and noticed that Tsunade was running iryo-ninjutsu over her head, but found that she didn't want to engage with the woman. "I think I'd rather stay with you."

"I'll allow it - if you finish the tale of Picard-Taicho."

"Fine. Okay…."

When Rachel came out of her little departure from reality, she found herself on Jiraiya's back. She opened her eyes, glad that she could remember much more of her past life, but honestly tired of telling the Kyuubi and Naruto stories about Star Trek: The Next Generation. It had been her mother's favorite show. Rachel had liked the Borg part.

"Kid's awake, Pervert," Tsunade said, looking at Naruto with concern. "How are you feeling?"

"Numb?"

"Well, that's understandable. You got your period yet, kid?"

Rachel frowned, wondering what kind of conversation she'd missed. "Yes," she drawled, wondering why Jiraiya was flipping out over that question and answer. Was it because Naruto was a child?

She clearly remembered being embarrassed by anything related to that when she went through puberty in her first life. "You're a med nin," Rachel continued, stating the obvious. "Didn't mine come a little early then?"

"Not really. Your heritage, clan, experience, and chakra usage all play a part in determining when you first get it," Tsunade shrugged as they all sped along - headed to an area with fewer and fewer trees, Rachel realized. "Stress can also…"

"HALT," Rachel yelled, firmly enough that it made even the Sannin stop. "What about Shisui-shishou?"

Jiraiya's head fell and Rachel began to panic.

"Tsunade thought she'd better come with us instead, kid," the tall man said after a beat.

"Absolutely not," Rachel snarled, hopping off his back. "I will go straight back to Konoha and turn myself in for whatever awaits if shishou isn't treated! And the rest of his family!"

"Kid," Tsunade said, looking genuinely embarrassed. "I don't do kunoichi work anymore."

"Do I look like I care if you're retired? Ichika-sama was retired, but she was still active, doing everything she COULD!"

That only seemed to embarrass and make Tsunade grieve even more. "Shisui-shishou is a good person, and a great shinobi and mentor! Please," she begged, her eyes darting to the three and even the pig before doing the same again. "Please!" When no one moved to say anything, Rachel took off back to Konoha at lightning speed, using the technique that had made her master famous.

She was stopped by a giant toad falling from the sky in front of her. A huge toad that was laughing his head off.

"Oh, Jiraiya: you were right! She IS fast," the toad said, continuing to laugh uproariously. He stopped laughing when he realized the little blonde was willing to attack.

"You can't stop me. If she's unwilling to go back, I'm going, 'cuz… Because… I just don't care," Rachel cried, but the giant toad proved to be a fearsome opponent. Separate wind and water attacks were doing nothing to the toad other than amusing him when he repeatedly threw Jiraiya into them. Eventually, Rachel jumped back, made a large oval of clones, and attempted what Shisui had trained her to do only when outside of Konoha.

She and her clones used various separate elemental jutsus to create a violent storm, but Tsunade moved up from underground - Rachel hadn't been expecting it - and knocked her out.

"Goddamn, Jiraiya! This kid IS interesting," Tsunade said. She would've laughed had she not been breathing so hard.

"Yeah," Jiraiya muttered. "You know I don't mind you coming with us, Tsunade, but she'll hate you if you don't try to heal the Uchiha brat." He turned when he sensed a chakra signature coming out of Konoha toward them at top speed. Jiraiya threw the girl into that damn Gamabunta's mouth, hoping she'd remain unconscious and out of sight.

"Jiraiya-sama," the Uchiha said as he approached, panting between painful breaths. "Hiruzen-sama requires me to report to you at once!" His widening eyes darted to the Slug Sannin and he fell on his knees and bowed his head. "Please, Tsunade-hime. My clan has suffered an…"

"Yeah, brat," Tsunade sighed, not believing what she was about to say - nor do what she was about to do! She blamed it all on how much she'd drank earlier and grieving the loss of yet another family member. The last, although distant, relative she had remaining really would hate her if she didn't do this, wouldn't she? Little Naruto was really going to owe her…

But Tsunade wasn't going to expose herself to any bloody wounds, no matter what! "SHIZUNE! Let's roll!"

"We've gotta move, Uchiha-san," Jiraiya said grimly as he watched his teammate and Dan's little sister hightailing it to Konoha. He was happy she was going to try to help but found it nearly unbelievable that he now had to supervise another brat.

Naruto was asleep after being bound in chakra restraints. Just in case - since she was a little shit - she was also bound in ropes and ninja wire, the latter of which was something that the shinobi in front of him said she hated. Jiraiya checked the genjutsu the Uchiha put her in, ensuring she was still sound asleep, but patted the kid's blonde head, smiling fondly and with remorse. He was getting her out of Fire Country whether the brat liked it or not! "Feral little thing, isn't she?"

Itachi said nothing. While Naru was under his genjutsu, Itachi had explained the events that he and Shisui had been trying to avoid since that day Shisui met Nara Shikamaru on the playground.

Jiraiya sat back down after being fairly silent for the tale he'd told. "So you're saying Shikaku's oldest brat thinks he's a reincarnation of some anime bullshit that revolves around my goddaughter, who in your story was a boy?"

"I know it sounds insane," Itachi lamented. "But here I am, in the near-exact position the story foretold."

"Bullshit," Jiraiya said, rolling his dark eyes. "Most of your clansmen are alive, am I right?" he asked, putting a big heavy hand on the kid's head and ruffling it, obviously surprising the brat. He patted it twice then cursed his big awesome heart. Why did he have to be so great at consoling people? And being stuck with the Uchiha Clan Heir, to boot: what a bother. "The Uchiha Elders are dead, and half your clan is alive. That's good for the Uchiha and Konoha compared to only you and your little brother surviving. PLUS, it puts the Uchihas in a pitiable situation."

Young Itachi gave him a look that may have cowed other men, but Jiraiya considered himself exceptional. "That means most villagers who had been convinced that the entire Uchiha clan caused the Kyuubi attack will have some doubt. An Uchiha may have caused it - but to think it's Minato's brat, Obito… OR that's who your fiction said it was. …Doesn't mean it's true," Jiraiya continued to add uncomfortably.

Kakashi was going to lose his shit if it was true! And some of his former students being alive, too? THAT was something he was going to have to check out right away, although not with Naruto with him. He'd long grieved for those kids! If they were alive, he'd set them straight and hug the daylights out of them.

He was almost scared to even hope for those kids again…

"And Danzo being dead?" Jiraiya continued, this time smiling genuinely and broadly, "We should have a party!"

"Indeed," Itachi had to agree; his mind on what Jiraiya had said previously. The anime had already proved not to be a completely accurate prophecy. - Although Uchiha Obito being the perpetrator of both attacks made sense to him, as sad as that was.

"ANYWAYS," Jiraiya continued, ready to get moving again. "Considering half the village saw the fucking Shinigami when he took my kid's soul," he spat, "I've learned to be a God-fearing man. So reincarnation? Not that hard to believe, although I always thought people wanted to trade places in one life or another with an animal: some shit like that," he continued to ramble. "So yeah. We'll check these things out; see if we can keep you from being hunted," he said, shrugging. "Let's hit Yugakure. They've got a mixed onsen there I'm ready for."

Itachi winced behind the man's back, wondering if he should just run and become a rogue nin after all.