Don't ask me how the machine got there. I guess if they can open a kitchen door in Jurassic Park, they can fumble around with a science fictiony spaceship console until it does something. The real question: How the dinosaurs just happened to find me, presumably in the same time period, instead of taking a bite out of Michelangelo as he's painting the Sistene Chapel.

The primitive village fell into chaos, people running every which way as they either attempted to flee or stab the creatures with spears. In the space of a minute, ten people ended up either getting disemboweled or clawed to death.

Unarmed and clothed only in a cloak of parrot feathers, I crept behind the other tribesmen, watching the dinosaurs carefully.

The mighty men of the village retaliated with their flint axes and other crude implements, their efforts yielding varying degrees of success. Torches worked better, but the torch bearers got tackled from behind, and all hopelessly outnumbered.

Honestly, I should have let my new wife die with everyone else, or at least fled under the cover of anarchy. If I truly traveled back in time, her future pregnancy would probably cause a temporal paradox or make me my own grandpa, and if she died, I also wouldn't have to be tied down to a village that didn't understand the concept of dentistry or underwear. It would have solved a lot of problems, temporally and morally, but I felt bad about it, so I grabbed a torch in one hand, Mrs. Wilson in the other, preparing to fight to the death. My breathing became shallow as I turned my head this way and that in search of would-be foes.

I suddenly got an idea. Everyone steered clear of the box, including the lizards. Why not run towards it? I tapped Eve Wilson's shoulder (more like beat against her cape), pointing to it.

She said no.

I pointed again. She basically told me hell no. I pulled her in that direction.

Unfortunately, Eev hunted bison or something equally tough and muscular all day, and I spent ninety percent of my time in front of a computer, so she pulled me in the opposite direction as easily as a spooked German shepherd can drag a small child down a block and back.

For several tense seconds, we played tug of war, me fighting uselessly for purchase, Eve dragging me further and further from my goal. The torch fell to the ground and puffed out.

An open lane stood between the far huts and the boulders. I pointed that way, but she didn't get it.

In desperation, I let go, and she fell to the ground, her cape molting all over the place. Aiming to lead by example, I dashed behind a far tent, waving urgently to her.

She caught up to me with little effort, her shapely fist hiting me in the face.

I hated to strike a woman, but the woman had the power to kick my ass. As I saw stars, she dragged me by the hair, so I pull a leg out from under her, threw dirt in her face, and ran further in the direction of the box.

My plan: Barricade myself in the box, and watch for Eve through the windows, or the door if I couldn't find any windows. Being of the stronger sex in our relationship, I firmly believed Eve could follow my lead.

For the most part, the dinosaurs kept themselves so busy disemboweling and eating people to bother with me, despite my beautiful feathered cape. But as I passed the fourth hut along the way to the phone booth, a green thing leapt at me from the shadows, its disemboweling toe claw aimed and ready to cut me open.

I closed my eyes, waiting for it to happen, but at the last moment, a banshee-like scream tore the air.

I opened my eyes to see my wife ramming a flint knife through the beast's skull.

I felt terrified beyond belief, but also incredibly turned on at the sight of a naked chick showing off her badass hunting skills. My crotch didn't know what to do.

When the monster fell to the ground dead, Eve grunted and pointed back the way we came. Fool, don't go any closer to that demon box.

I crossed my arms, shaking my head.

I thought for sure she'd knock me out again, but instaed she broke into tears, running a finger down her scarification. I'm your wife.

I nodded, touching my own scar solemnly. I put an arm around her cape, pointing to the box, then gestured, caveman style, you-me-together.

She pointed back at the mini Stonehenge we had just left, clutching her chest as if hugging someone. Family here.

I nodded, but pointed to the box, making a show of shielding a fist with my other hand.

Eve shook her head fiercely.

I nodded yes.

She shook her head no. Her eyes said `How do you know?'

I flexed my arm and she laughed. `You are not mighty.' But still I pointed that way.

Eve sighed in resignation, tapping her scar. `I'm your wife.'

She crept, ninja style, around the rear of the next hut.

As we neared the box, the gree creatures thinned out wanting no more to do with the thing than a cat wants to play with a rocking chair.

When I turned the corner, a heavy hand clamped down on my neck. I looked back and I saw the scowling face of my father-in-law, Mr. Oog, or whatever it was.

Don't worry, sir. I'll take good care of your daughter, I mimed.

Bloody scars crisscrossed the man's body. Behind him on the ground lay a trail of dead lizards. All this time I thought I'd been invisible to those things, but really wasn't. I blamed it on the dumb parrot cape that I stupidly hadn't thrown off.

I sighed and jabbed a finger in the direction of the blue box.

The man shook his head, but Eve pleaded my case, causing him to relent.

Soon our little hunting party neared the box, taking down two straggling dinosaurs with the tools left behind by dead villagers.

I hurriedly pressed my body up to the side of the box, peering around the corner.

We grabbed more tools from the ground and crept around a splintery blue wall to the doorway where all the things had been spewing out.

It looked clear. The arcade machine thing stood unguarded, no reptiles anywhere. But when my bare foot crossed the threshold, a pair of monsters jumped out from behind the machine, and I got tackled against a wall.

I didn't know why it didn't disembowel me, but before it had a chance to, Mr. Oog stabbed it in the neck, right below the jaw.

The creature tried a few feeble chomps at my face, then collapsed on me, blood pouring down my bare chest, oozing into my lap.

Eve let out a panicked shout. Alarmed, I pushed carcass off me, but found her already victorious, the dinosaur pooling blood on the floor.

I still didn't know the first thing about making the box do things or go places, but I did know how to close the door. All my troubles stemmed from opening it in the first place. Since I saw no dinosaurs to be seen, I pulled the lever, breathing a sigh of relief. However, my guests panicked, behaving like trapped rats, shouting and jabbering in their strange language.

I leaned against the wall, catching my breath. Mr. Oog had a good look at the console, cautiously flicking the door lever back and forth like a toddler discovering what a light switch was.

Somehow he got the notion in his savage brain to bait another beast in, closing the door on its neck like a guillotine. It shouldn't have worked, but he forced the door somehow, and a bloody green head came rolling down to us.

For a moment, the man turned his back to the console, opening his mouth in attempts to ask me questions, but then his eyes bulged open in surprise as his intestines came spilling out on the floor.

Apparently we had missed one.