It didn't take a genius to figure out that if the TARDIS had flown off, I wouldn't be able to run and catch it. By the time I ran the length of the staircase and jump out the crater in the living room wall, my son would be long gone, and probably smothering Martin Luther King in his crib, or something else equally horrific.

"You're right, Luke," I sighed. "We're sexually violated."

I slumped into a musty fire blackened sofa.

For a moment, I got no disagreement.

"Wait!" the boy blurted. "K-9, can you program the Transmat to teleport us into the TARDIS?"

The robot's ears wiggled. "Affirmative."

I gawked at K-9 in surprise. "How? How could that even be possible? More than likely the thing is in another time or dimension right now."

"According to my sensors, the TARDIS has not relocated."

I frowned. "Great! Let's go."

The kid slapped the futuristic baseball plate onto the robot's shiny back.

"Under my shell, you shall find a red and a blue cord. Disconnect these from the auxiliary ports and insert them into the auxiliary ports on the Transmat."

Luke didn't bat an eye or ask questions. He just flipped open a panel on the robot's side, pulling out a couple cords.

"Internet router disconnected. GPS navigation offline."

Luke plugged the cords into the transmat, and the robot's ears turned sideways.

A second later, everything turned white.

Having my molecules disassembled was everything I thought it would be. I felt my heart stop, and then I was floating free from my body, drifting high above the little British street.

As a ghost, I felt calm and detached from my predicament, not caring if everyone died or ate dinosaur meat on a regular basis.

But then something pulled at me, and I found myself being sucked down into a black van parked two blocks away from the house.

I heard a strangled squawking noise and I inhabited my body once again.

I stood in a gold room resembling a giant gilded mushroom with tiers of rings and ramps connected by staircases and hatchways.

I stared at a device I recognized as a time console. This, and the fact that I wasn't looking at the interior of a van, told me I was in a TARDIS, but not the TARDIS I wanted.

Noticing a peculiar orange tone in my field of vision, I glanced at my nose and found I had a beak.

Horrified, I touched it with one hand, and discovered I also had a claw and a wrist covered in black feathers. My other hand was human, and the feathers on both arms stopped at odd places, drawing attention to my pink skin.

I frowned, but didn't get too overly upset. After all, a lot worse things had already happened, plus I was a perfect match for my woman with all her bizarre body modifications. Also, I figured I could still fix everything.

Disoriented, and inexplicably craving insects, I wandered across weird room, gaping at the stylish art deco furniture set up in a circle around the console.

As I circled the platform, studying the equipment (and comprehending very little), I suddenly noticed the presence of a black haired man in a nehru jacket. With hair cut in a widow's peak, beady black eyes and goatee, the man looked a lot like the devil, but I've seen scary bikers doing pledge drives for the March of Dimes, so I didn't put too much stock into it.

The man busily worked on some device inside the console. At first he barely registered my presence.

He brushed himself off and stood up, regarding me with a chuckle.

Instead of commenting on my sorry state, he just glanced at my companion and clapped his hands. "Ah, I have guests! How wonderful!"

Luke seemed a bit nervous, approaching the stranger only in small steps, behind me.

"Hello, sir," I stammered. "Who are you?"

He grinned. "I was about to ask you the same question."

I introduced myself and Luke.

"You can call me The Master." He said, bowing like a stage magician who had just made the Statue of Liberty disappear. "Care for some tea?"

"Uh...got any Coke?"

He nodded, hopping down a short stair.

Luke scrunched up his face. "Master? Why does that name sound familiar?"

I shrugged.

The troubled expression didn't leave his face.

The Master handed me a glass of fizzing iced cola. I nearly dropped it trying to hold it in my claw.

"High fructose corn syrup is actually bad for your health. There are studies..."

I smirked. "Any worse than using a machine that scrambles your molecules with a pigeon?"

"I suppose you have a point."

I tried to drink, but half of what I poured ended up on my shirt. Bird beak.

The Master chuckled and handed me a straw.

Although kind of creepy, he actually seemed to be a pretty cool guy.

I sipped my drink, wondering if he were really Philip G. Zimbardo, the famous psychologist. I decided probably not, but only because his voice wasn't high pitched enough, and he could pronounce the letter H.

The master glanced down at my new friend. "What would you like, young man? Tea? Coke? Perhaps some Bubble Shock?"

Looking startled at that last suggestion, the boy backed away like a cornered animal.

"Oh dear. Is your friend always this shy?"

"Not sure. I just met him." I slurped up more of my drink. "Is Bubble Shock any good?"

"It's average, as sodas go."

I briefly wondered if I were being poisoned, decided I didn't care. I wanted to die the moment I found out my son existed.

The man pointed to my nose. "It looks like you've got a bit of...genus corvidae on your face."

Without thinking, I brushed my new beak with my claw hand.

The man burst out laughing. "Oh! How I needed that!"

I frowned, turning red with embarrassment.

The man smiled and patted me on the shoulder. "Pesky things, those Transmat machines. Cross the wires, or plot a course through a nesting crow, and, well..." He gave an apologetic shrug.

Our robotic canine friend rolled up in front of Luke, lowering its satellite ears in the way that a terrier folds its ears back in the presence of an enemy. "Danger, young master! This individual is not to be trusted!"

The Master casually stepped forward, leaning over the machine with his arms folded behind his back. "Ah, K-9! You're a sight for sore eyes! It's too bad about your owners..."

"Wait," I said. "Owners? How do you know all this?"

He gave me a disarming smile. "Why, they were old friends!" His expression seemed to say that wasn't so.

"If they really were your friends," Luke said coldly. "You would have saved them."

The Master gave me a sideways glance, then turned his attention to the boy. "Young man, we have a serious Dalek problem, of which your mother was an unfortunate casualty. I genuinely wish I had been present to offer my assistance, but, alas, I can't be everywhere at once."

"But you're a time lord!" Luke protested. "You have a time machine!"

"Correct, child. But the time machine is broken! Hope you can appreciate my predicament."

That shut Luke up. He didn't look happy, but he seemed to accept the bitter pill as well as he could.

"On a related subject, I couldn't help but notice that you have a working Transmat machine in the nearby vicinity. If you could be so kind as to let me borrow it, I could make some much needed repairs upon this infernal contraption, which, I assure you, would be of great benefit to all of us."

K-9 wiggled his ears, then he turned to face me. "Novice time lord, exercise caution in negotiations with this untrustworthy individual."

The Master burst out laughing. "Oh, so you're a time lord now! Funny, you don't look like one!"

"It's an honorary title," I muttered, prompting another laugh. To the tin dog, I added, "Trust is a two way street, robot."

I put a feathered hand to my beak, giving The Master's proposal serious thought.

"Don't do it," said Luke.

"Why. Do you have a TARDIS hidden in that burned out house somewhere?"

The Master chuckled.

Luke scowled, looking rather like a beaten dog.

I swallowed. "Sir, if we can get this thing fixed, do you think you can chase down that blue police box?"

The man grinned so wide that he practically ran out of face to do it on. "Nothing would give me greater pleasure."

I sipped my drink, realizing I was probably making a deal with the devil. Still, the man was intelligent, clever, and a gracious host.

Okay, so I'm supposed to follow K-9 and Luke's advice above all else, but this fellow was a time lord. He exuded confidence, and, dammit, we didn't have a TARDIS.

I set my drink down. "Deal."

"I will not allow this transaction to take place!" A laser blast flashed from K-9's muzzle.

The Master ducked out of the way, firing a weapon of his own.

The front of K-9's face exploded. Fire burst from his head.

"K-9!" Luke shouted. "No!"

The Master clapped his hands. "Righto! Let's retrieve this Transmat, shall we?"