Kazuma pulled his pillow over his head. For good measure he pulled the blanket over himself as well and pressed his hands down as hard as he could. "Damn that idiot!" He said through gritted teeth.
"I fouuuuuuunnnnnnnnd iiiiiiiit!" The goddess of water was shouting in all her shrill obnoxiousness as she traipsed through the halls. "I found it I found it I found it I found it!" Kazuma could practically see her excited long steps and all her cocky ingloriousness, as she skipped proudly toward his room.
She crashed through his door like a bull through a china shop, the heavy wooden door slammed against the stone wall so hard that it bounced back at her like it was launching a counter attack.
Aqua had only a moment of horrified recognition, enough time for her proud smile to become tight, horrified, and to blink just once.
'Eep.' She thought before the wood smacked her head with a solid 'thunk'.
"Oww… oww oww oww…" She muttered and rubbed her face with less enthusiasm.
'That 'almost' makes it worth it.' Kazuma griped while tightening his hold on his blanket.
Remembering her previous enthusiasm, Aqua pranced over to his bed, "Oh Kaaazuma! I did it! I found something, this amazing goddess, after lots and lots of looking, has found what you said!" She was practically bouncing as she held out a book in both hands over the now-awake brown-haired adventurer.
"Well? Aren't you going to praise my amaaaazing skills?! I'm really just the best huh, what's the matter? Chomsuke got your tongue?!" She started rocking back and forth on her heels, he could see the book as soon as he peeked out from under the cover.
The sun was just barely coming up over the horizon. He could tell that too.
"Oh would you shut up!" Kazuma slapped the covers down off his chest and over his waist. He dragged an exasperated hand over his face and held his arms bent in front of him with his palms up, his hands shook when he shouted at her. "It's barely dawn out there! You couldn't wait two hours to tell me?!" He exclaimed as she stared at him in quiet cluelessness for a moment.
Aqua cocked her head at him, then her eyes filled with tears. She slammed the book down on his face, the corner striking his crotch when she let go. "Stupid shut in NEET! I spent all night… except the time reading manga and eating snacks, looking for what's in this book! You could at least say thank you!"
Kazuma however, paid no attention to her words, he was rolling back and forth and holding his crotch, "Don't break it you empty headed blue haired bimbo! I haven't even gotten to use it yet!"
Aqua however, showed no sympathy to the rolling human, her hand instead went to her chest, "I know, you have a secret pining for a certain beautiful goddess, but those romances are forbidden and only happen in the kind of anime you shut in NEETs watch all the time. So don't worry, you weren't going to use it anyway."
Kazuma shuddered one more time as he got hold of himself and let go of his injured manhood. "I don't know, Eris seemed to like me a lot, if I ever get to switch you out for her, who knows? Hers may be padded, but they'll also never sag!"
"Ooooohhhh!" Aqua fumed, and then started bawling, "You idiot! And after all that hard work finding you that item so you wouldn't take my panties!"
Her screeching, wailing cry was utterly obnoxious and made Kazuma grind his teeth, but then he caught sight of the book's title and he swept it up into his hand. As quickly as she'd gotten to annoying him, he forgot about it and said, "Hey, you weren't kidding, were you?"
As if to prove she was really faking the entire time, the waterworks from her eyes immediately stopped flowing.
"Huh, what? I told you, I found it!" Aqua's proud smile returned.
Kazuma flipped to the page with the fabric dangling down and there it was. He read it out loud, "There in the village, the hero found happiness, the nameless place of deep waters in the deep canyon, hidden from all living eyes, he made it home, and to it he called all who would do great things. When they came in great numbers, and he had all that he could hope for, he gave the place a name. The village was no more nameless, for he named it Lud, and fearing that some would try to harm that gentle, warm place that he loved, he cast a mighty spell to hide it away forever."
Kazuma paused the reading and looked over to her, "How do you know this was him? Are you sure?"
Aqua nodded her head as fast as she could, "Oh yeah, his name was Marque, keep going, his name is right there. He was kind of a strange one, but… just like you," she took on a cocky face and a knowing smile, "he was a shut in gamer NEET who spent way too much time alone in his own bed in his room. And this is definitely the sort of thing he'd do."
Kazuma almost snapped at her, but he held his tongue and read on. "Thus, Lord Marque lost all sadness, and lived for the rest of his days, protecting his home and his students, his many children in the city of Lud, from the grasp of the Devil King and his minions."
He slammed the book shut and a grin spread over his face while enthusiasm welled up for the adventure ahead.
"Alright… so it sounds like we've got somewhere to go, but we need more information about where this is, you don't know that, do you?" Kazuma raised his eyes to look at the blue haired goddess, but even as he asked he thought, 'I'd have to be as dumb as she is to expect an answer, why did I even bother to ask?'
True to form, Aqua shrugged. "How should I know, it's not like I've ever had to follow one of you shut-ins around before. It's not my fault if none of you complete the job. I send way too many of you here to keep track."
'Useless. To-tal-y useless.' Kazuma mentally griped again, but the annoyance that flickered by didn't last long. "This does give us a head start at least, we just need to look for more."
"Where?" She asked and scratched her cheek with her forefinger.
"We'll talk to Wiz later, she's as good at running a shop as you are at chess, but she does know a lot and we might at least get pointed in the right direction." Kazuma said with a hopeful thought.
Aqua beamed, "Gee, thanks Kazuma, about time you praised me… wait, that was praise, wasn't it?"
Kazuma sighed and slung his legs over to the side of his bed, "Take it how you want, I'm taking a bath."
"Kazuma!" Aqua shouted as he left her behind, "Get back here and explain that!"
He didn't, and she didn't chase him.
Two hours later he was dressed, bathed, and settled in at the table with Darkness, Megumin, and Aqua.
The smell of hot tea filled his nostrils, the green liquid's ripples went back and forth against the sides and center of the little brown cup when he set it down in front of him. Darkness set out bowls for each of them full of piping hot eggs and a mix of green veggies.
Aqua however, sat with her back turned to him with her arms crossed and her nose turned up.
"What's with her?" Kazuma asked and poked his fork in Aqua's direction.
"Oh, that? I explained to her what you meant when you mentioned Wiz and the game of chess." Megumin bowed her head, "Sorry, Kazuma." She said, though she suppressed a snicker when she made her apology.
Aqua let out a sound, "Hmpf!" And stuck her nose further up into the air.
"Apologize to her, Kazuma." Darkness said and drank her own cup of tea. "She did find a clue to what you were talking about last night, you should at least praise her a little bit for that. It did take all night."
"All night… yeah…" Kazuma stopped and thought back to the name on the cover. He stared at Aqua, whose spine got a little bit stiffer.
His stare intensified.
"Did it really take all night?" Kazuma asked, his lips tightened and he leaned forward.
"Mmmmmm…" Aqua began to make the little noise and fidget in her seat without looking at him.
"Did it?" Kazuma demanded.
"Mmmmmm…" Aqua's voice grew more strained.
He stared more intently.
She broke.
Her arms went out and she waved them wildly up and down, "Alright! Alright! Alright! I spent all night reading comics and eating snacks on the floor, lost track of time, panicked when the sun came into the window, and that book fell off the shelf and hit me on the head when I was rushing to put the comics away!"
"I figured…" Kazuma rubbed his forehead, sighed, and dropped his hand away.
"Kazuma, how did you know that?" Megumin asked just as her cat jumped into her lap.
"Oh, that?" Kazuma asked with a sideway's glance at her.
"I read a lot, so it wasn't really that hard, I go to this house's library a bunch, and I saw that the girl who used to live here kept a bunch of comics up on the shelf. This book was right next to them. Of course that idiot would see those, spend all night reading them, then find some way to screw up… being hit in the head is the least surprising thing about this, other than her actually knowing how to read in the first place." Kazuma said and shot a glare at Aqua's back.
"You damn NEET!" Aqua shouted, whirled, and stuck a finger in his tea.
"Gah!" he shouted as her finger swirled around and the green tea turned to piping hot water. "Stop purifying my tea! I don't know where that finger's been!"
Aqua blushed a deep crimson and yanked her finger away with a huff.
The banter might have gone on, but a heavy knock on the door made them stop dead.
"Oh! Vanir! I almost forgot!" Kazuma set aside his cup of hot water and scrambled away from the table to run and answer the door.
"Haha! If it isn't my most useful partner!" Vanir said when the door flung open.
"Hey, that's mean! I'm your partner too!" Wiz said from beside him and shuffled her feet while wringing her hands.
"That changes nothing. I said 'useful'." Vanir stated with a flat voice quite at odds with the loud and over the top dramatic greeting he made when the door opened.
"Hey… I work really hard…" Wiz muttered.
"Yes, and are constantly poorer for it, please, be lazy for once and stay with me where I can watch you." Vanir replied with a downward look at the already downward looking purple robed shopkeeper.
"Vanir, Wiz, come on in, we were just having breakfast if you'd like to have a bite and… ah…" Kazuma answered and looked over the pair more closely. Wiz had noticeably faded a bit and Vanir's body of earth was a little crumbly in various places. "Refresh, yourselves a little bit, maybe?"
"That's really nice of you, Kazuma," she put a hand up to her cheek and curled her fingers in when she answered, "may I please suck some of you out?" Wiz asked with a demure little voice.
"Absolutely." Kazuma answered, and Wiz reached out to touch his cheek.
"Drain touch." She said sweet as pie and he gasped as part of his life was drained away. Her fading form became more solid, and Vanir's body was renewed when he drew fresh earth to himself from beneath his feet.
Kazuma's mouth fell open as the energy was sapped away, he shuddered and shivered for several seconds, and then the feeling disappeared.
"Thank you, Kazuma, I appreciate it." Wiz said with a little half bow.
In his most suave, deep voice, Kazuma replied, "As long as it was good for you."
He then backed away when she blushed and led them into the main living area.
"Right, my boy, three hundred million Eris is as good as yours, you just have to sign this paper, along with Wiz and I here, and we're done. I'll deposit the money in your local guild account on the way back to the shop." Vanir said and clapped his hands together as soon as they came to a table not far from the fireplace.
It was made of a dark, smooth wood with four chairs around it, but nobody bothered to sit down. When Vanir pulled his hands apart, he drew, as if from the palm of his hand, a small brown parchment and set it down.
Wiz drew a vial and quill from a pouch at her side, and set them down on the table as well. Her long purple mage robes waved slightly in the breeze of an open window, and once again Kazuma couldn't help but notice the way the lich's breasts bounced a little with every motion. 'I wonder if it would be necrophilia if we…'
He killed that train of thought before he could take it one step further, instead he snatched up the quill, dipped the white feather into the vial of ink, and put down his name.
"By the way," Kazuma asked, "how do I handle that kind of money? I mean I can't very well just carry around three hundred million Eris."
Vanir gave a decisive shake of his head and answered, "Of course not, my boy. You just stop at the bank and get a black card made. When you have that kind of money, they'll do a blood seal card, like your adventurer's card, but it keeps a running tally of all the money that you have, and is yours for life. Any time you hold it up to a licensed merchant card, you both put in the same numbers, and it will authorize him to draw that much off of your total in exchange for whatever you buy."
'So it's kind of like debit and credit cards… wait does that mean…?' Kazuma wondered and immediately asked, "Ah, does that mean if someone kills me and takes it, they can get everything?"
"No, no of course not otherwise nobles and merchants would be getting robbed and killed constantly, so it's tied to your life, if you die, the bank has a matching copy that alerts them of your death and makes the card useless. Not a bad system, really." Vanir said with a fair bit of admiration.
"So I can still be kidnapped?" Kazuma asked.
"Which kidnapper couldn't you bribe for that much?" Vanir asked, and Kazuma reluctantly felt himself come into agreement.
"Alright, great." Kazuma answered while Wiz and Vanir signed the document.
"Oh hey, Wiz, Vanir, I was going to actually stop by the shop later, but since you're both here now… you wouldn't happen to know anything about a city called 'Lud' would you? Or a guy named 'Lord Marque' from a long time ago?"
The two generals traded looks, Vanir became suddenly serious. "Boy, why are you asking a question like that?"
"There's something that might be there, something I need to find." Kazuma said and rested a hand on the table, "Don't try to talk me out of it, just tell me."
"Ah, Kazuma, people don't come back from there, I've seen lots of adventurers go looking, but none of them ever return. It's super dangerous." Wiz brought up a hand to her chest and laid a fist over her heart, "I wouldn't go looking for it if I were you."
Kazuma put on the coolest smile he could, half cocky and half flirty, the corner of the left half of his lips turned up, and as suavely as he could he said, "Hey, no need to worry about me, I can handle it. Just… trust me."
He sidled up close to her and winked, looking into the amber eyes that were framed by her tumbling brown hair.
"Mmmmm… well… I really don't know a lot, but the hero Lord Marque, he has a lot of legends about him, he was supposedly fond of taking lots of risks, and he almost always won whenever he took a gamble." Wiz bit her lower lip and glanced at Vanir, who crossed his arms and rubbed the black and white mask that covered his dark clothed body of morphed earth.
"Alright, boy, I remember a little about him, but we never met. I was elsewhere during his lifetime, stationed much farther west from here, but he was said to have had a large following, a whole army of great cavalry, so many that no stable could hold them all. The last I heard of him, rumor had it he was running off east to gain them enough experience to change the whole world… but then he simply disappeared. Nobody ever found him."
"East, huh, well that's a start." Kazuma said and the brash suaveness was gone, he rubbed his chin while he tried to think.
"Yes well… I think we'd better get going, I wouldn't want that irritating novice," Vanir shouted the term like a curse, "priestess to come and find I'd destroyed yet another of her barriers. Goodness knows her ego is even more fragile than her pathetic magic, and I'd hate to make her cry again."
A combination of shriek and roar echoed in the distance, along with the sound of running feet pounding on stone.
"Ohhh Vanir… here she comes… c'mon I don't want to fight more, you know how crazy those Axis cultists can get!" Wiz whimpered and tugged on his sleeve as hard as she could.
"Yes, we should get back to the shop so you can go back to trying to lose money while I try to win by turning a profit." Vanir chuckled as the roar redoubled after Wiz spoke. "Ta-ta, boy, leave your product ideas with us before you go and disappear." Vanir wiggled his fingers behind him as Wiz tugged him away from the room.
"No problem! I don't plan on disappearing!" Kazuma shouted as the door slammed open and a heavy breathing Aqua stood there, legs spread shoulder width apart, her ample chest rose and fell from her exertion, her death stare focused on Kazuma, her right hand a fist and her left holding the door through which she'd burst, open.
"Where are they?! I heard that!" Aqua screeched at him.
Kazuma jerked his hand toward the opposite door, "Just left."
Aqua began to charge toward the other entrance, but no sooner did she reach him, than Kazuma thrust out a foot while looking innocently away.
She tripped and fell face first onto the floor, smacking her nose on the stone. Immediately she jumped to her feet and thrust out an accusing finger at him, "You did that on purpose!"
"Maybe, but I just made three hundred million Eris, and all you did was make my tea into hot water." Kazuma snapped at her, "Now quit being a brat and maybe I'll help you out with your guild debt again. You got another late payment notice, didn't you?"
Aqua immediately brightened and interlaced her fingers together so that her hands were joined and pressed the back of her left hand against her right cheek. "Oh Kazuma, you're the best, I knew I could trust you."
"Uh huh, now go make me some more tea, and this time it better not be purified!" He quipped at her, and as if she had never been angry, she turned around and skipped back toward the kitchen singing a little song, "I'm going to get spoi-eled, I'm going to get spoi-eled, I'm going to get spoi-eled!"
Kazuma took the paper and folded it up neatly to put into his pocket. "Better take this to the bank right away." He muttered, "And maybe bring Darkness and Megumin along for extra security. Weird as they are, I can trust them, at least."