(A/N: Heavy, heavy, HEAVY trigger warning for mentions of coercion and rape and attempted suicide!)
And was that the first time he forced himself upon you, miss Mills?
The question has been rummaging in her head ever since the female detective had asked it.
In the moment, Regina had not been able to answer it. Not physically, nor emotionally. Her head had been full of images of him ripping her blouse, tearing her skirt and forcing her onto the floor. Forcing himself inside her. She had gone numb. Had completely disappeared from the situation in an attempt to protect herself. Zelena had sternly ordered the two police officers to leave, and then she had sent for a nurse to Regina. The nurse had given Regina a glass of water and firmly stated that she needed rest.
Rest. That was all Regina had done during her time in the hospital in Toronto She had been transferred to a different ward a week ago. A less... serious ward with fewer machines that beeped away. She was going to get a surgery. One that possibly could restore her voice. The hospital here in Toronto specialized in that particular type of surgery.
Regina reached up and tried to touch her throat, but her fingers started trembling the moment they got close to her skin. She couldn't touch it. Not yet. There were so many things she couldn't do. She couldn't handle the sound of a door being slammed. She couldn't handle people touching her. Not even Henry. In the first week after she drifted back to the world, he had been told that he could not hug her because she was too frail.
That was a lie. He couldn't hug her because the idea of feeling someone's arms around had sent surges of panic through her. He had been forced to settle for patting her hand. And even now he had to ask her first.
And he always did. 'I'm gonna give you a hug now, mom. Is that okay?'.
The answer was always yes.
Regina had learned to hug her son, but she was so far from the woman she once had been. She couldn't wear skirts either. She didn't feel safe in them anymore. Or in the tightly fitted blouses she once so favored. They would only show off her body. And that was something Regina never wanted to do. Never again. Her body didn't feel like hers anymore. It felt dirty and soiled and wrong.
Was that the first time he forced himself upon you, miss Mills?
That question again. Regina swallowed thickly. Perhaps she had no choice but to think about it. God knows she didn't want to. But what other choice did she have? It would only keep haunting her if she didn't.
Regina sat down on the edge of her hospital bed. Looked down at the washed out grey sweatpants she was wearing and her bare feet. The question felt sharp. Had these dull edges that kept digging into her brain. She took another deep breath and pressed a palm harshly against her forehead as she fully allowed the question to enter her mind.
Was that the first time he forced himself upon you, miss Mills?
Well... was it? Regina's breath hitched as the memories from the night she couldn't forget entered her mind. He had forced himself upon her that night. No question about it. She had been... she had been raped that night. But had she been raped by him before?
Regina thought back. Really thought back. At first her ex-fiancé had been gentle with her in the bedroom. He really had. At first, he had been making love to her.
And then he had not.
Then it had changed. He had become...rougher. She hadn't minded that at the time. It hadn't been forced on her. But the way he later started grabbing her throat was not something she had given her consent to.
And then there was those other nights...
'I've had such a hard day at work, but I know what could make it better...'
'Today has been so stressful for me. You want to help make it better, don't you?'
'Come on, Regina, that skirt's been teasin' me all night...'
'Don't pretend you don't want this, babe. Why else would you be wearing that tight blouse?'
'We both know that you want this!'
'You really gonna play coy with me now? After all those looks you've been giving me all night long? I don't think so.'
'So, you mean to tell me that you bought that underwear for no reason?'
'Say it, babe! Say how much you like this!'
'Seriously, Regina, I'm not asking for that much... Just a little one-on-one time with my fiancé. You don't want to disappoint me, do you? There's no point in me going to bed angry, babe. You know how I get the next morning. We should end this night on a happy note, darlin'...'
There had been coaxing. Prompting. Nagging. Even begging.
In the very beginning, there had been Regina laughing as she undid her skirt and teased him with how he couldn't get enough of her. She had felt so desired. So wanted. She was doing this to this handsome man. She was the one driving him this mad. But then things had shifted. She had gone from feeling desired and wanted to feeling... used. His arms around her had sent shivers down her spine, but not for good reasons anymore. There had been nights where she had removed her pajamas and underwear just to get him to stop nagging him. Some nights she had seen the good in his initiation. When he spent a bit longer on her breasts. But on most of the nights, it had been about him. His pleasure. His release. She had been there only for him. It didn't help that he had praised her body while he thrusted inside her. The way he had talked about her body parts and what he wanted to do to them had made her feel like anything but his fiancé.
There had been nights where she had told him that she had a headache. Or didn't feel so good. He always had an answer. 'Sex relieves headache, babe'. Or: 'you'll feel so much better when I...'. But it was the memory of one particular night that haunted her right now. Killian had arrived back home after a long shift at the station. They had talked in bed for a couple of minutes before Regina had switched off the bedside lamp like she always did before going to bed. Killian's hand had wandered in between her thighs. He had given her pajama bottoms a tug that almost had sent them halfway down her legs.
Regina too had had a long day teaching. She hadn't been in the mood for sex. So she had told him that she was tired and wanted to sleep. His answer was one she would never forget.
'Oh, come on, babe. Don't be like that. Let's end this night on a happy note, aye? Wouldn't want to risk waking up in the middle of the night to a surprise, would you?'. The line had been delivered with a laugh, but now Regina couldn't stop thinking about it. Supposed she had kept denying him that night? What would have happened then? Would she have woken up to him on top of her, inside of her, taking what he wanted regardless of whether she wanted it or not? Had it even mattered to him whether her answer were yes or no?
No. It hadn't. Maybe she hadn't uttered the word 'no', but the 'no' would still have been obvious on her face. And body. Every time he complained that she was 'hard work' was because she wasn't wet enough for sex.
Sex. Regina's mouth felt dry and her throat tight. What had happened in the bedroom with Killian had had nothing to do with sex. Or consent. Her saying no to him wouldn't have changed the outcome one bit. He would have taken her regardless. Like he had taken her that horrible night. The night she had been raped.
And was that the first time he forced himself upon you, miss Mills?
No. No, it was not. Killian had forced himself upon her many, many times before. He had just gaslighted her into believing that he hadn't. All the coaxing. The convincing. The coercion. The 'come on, babe's'. The 'I know you want this'. The vague threats about going to bed unhappy. Waking up unhappy. He hadn't directly threatened her with a beating. He hadn't needed to. It had all been there between the lines. When Killian 'woke up unhappy', it often meant slaps. A bloodied nose. A black eye. Evidence she had to hide so her son didn't get worried.
The two years with Killian Jones had been lesson after lesson in stripped modesty and mortification. It had been his hand pressing just a little too tightly against her lower back if she accidentally looked at man for too long. It had been assuring him that she was wearing pretty dresses or slightly snug skirts for him and only for him. No other answer existed in his world. The one time she had told him that she was wearing it for herself because she wanted to feel beautiful, he had slapped her hard and accused her of having an affair. The only thing convincing him of the opposite had been sex. Regina had been on her knees for him, right there in the kitchen. Her knees had been scraped and red and achy the next morning, and she had been sore all over. That was the first time he had weaponized sex. The first time he had used it against her. A way to 'soften' him. Regina had been so overwhelmed by the argument that she had been prepared to do anything. Anything at all.
The pain in her throat came back. The phantom pain between her thighs too. Her skin crawled, and Regina just wanted to rip it off. She felt horrible. Her body felt horrible. Dirty and soiled and marked by him. Every last inch of it. It wasn't even her body. It was his. Had been from the moment she met him, and it still was. She belonged to him. It didn't matter that he wasn't here or behind bars. She could still see him. Out of the corner of her eye. He was hiding in the shadows. Smirking at her. Telling her that she would never be free.
Regina wanted to leave her body. To make it stop hurting so much. The realization of how much she'd been hurt by him hit her like a freight train. Everything was tainted. False. The things he whispered in her ear. The way he kissed her skin. Every last compliment had an echo of threat to it now. What she hoped would be her greatest love story had turned into a nightmare. One that she would never wake up from. This was her life now.
Regina slowly rose from the bed and walked over to the window. Cracked it open. A breeze hit her skin, but it didn't make it any easier to breathe. She looked down at the ground. It was a long way down from the sixth floor where her hospital room was. The cars were nothing but tiny dots on the ground.
What would happen if she too was a tiny dot on the ground? If she let herself fall out of the open window? Fly towards the ground. She would be dead in an instant. Wouldn't even feel it when she landed. For the first time in her life, Regina thought about ending it. Killing herself. Because how was she supposed to live with this? With this body that didn't belong to her. With this, horrible, dirty thing he'd had his hands all over. With this mind overflowing with every horrible thing Killian ever did to her. And this heart which laid shattered to sharp little pieces in her chest. How was she supposed to go on, knowing that this would haunt her for the rest of her life? Killian was the villain, but Regina was the one in the prison. A silent, horrible prison she never could escape from. Unless she climbed over the window sill and let herself fall. She would be free then. No more memories. No more silence.
Regina pushed the window wide open and put her hands on the window sill. It would be so easy. Just one tiny movement. With her body mostly recovered from the attack, she was still fairly agile. She could be out of the window in the blink of an eye. No one would notice. Not until it was too late anyway.
She looked down. Such a long way.
Maybe she would in fact be dead before her body hit the ground. Maybe the fall alone would kill her. Her shattered heart started beating weakly in her chest. Suppose she really did it? Jumped. Disappeared out of the window before no one could see her. That would be the easy part. The hard part would be afterwards. What WAS the afterwards? Was there even an afterwards? Would she go somewhere to be free, or would she simply... stop?
Regina wasn't sure. She had never thought about it until now. Until this very moment where she considered to jump out of the window and end things once and for all.
She heard some kind of faint sound behind her, but she didn't turn around to see what it was. This was a hospital, after all. There were all kind of noises in the hospital.
"Oh my god!"
Regina stiffened with her hands firmly planted on the windowsill and her upper-body halfway out of the window. Zelena was standing right behind her. Zelena saw her like this. There was no jumping the conclusion. Because this was exactly what it looked like. Her breath hitched. This was all wrong. No one was supposed to see her. She closed her eyes, half expecting Zelena to rush over here and yank her away from the window. That was how most people would react, was it not?
But that didn't happen. Instead Zelena just uttered a single word. Quiet in the hospital room, but oh, so loud in Regina's ears. "Henry."
Regina's breath hitched again, and everything seemed to slow down at the mention of her beloved son's name. For a moment she feared that he was in here with Zelena, but then she would have heard him. He would have asked her what she was doing.
"I'm begging you, please think of Henry," Zelena said quietly, thickly, and now Regina heard her approach her from behind. "He nearly lost you once, and he was absolutely distraught. What do you think would happen to him if he lost you for real? You are his whole world, Regina. His everything. You can't do this to him." She sniffled. "Sweetie, I know everything is terrible right now. I know how much you're hurting, but you didn't survive that night to jump out of the window now! You s-still have so much to live for! Henry needs you! I need you! How do you think I would feel if you suddenly went away? I would never ever be the same person again." Zelena took a breath. "Who's gonna read comic books with Henry if you're not here? Eat pizza on Friday nights? Watch Disney movies? Watch him graduate and grow up? Become a grandmother to his kids? Who's the person he's gonna come to first if you're not here?"
A ragged breath escaped Regina. She was. She was the one who was supposed to read comic books with Henry. And watch Disney movies. Eat pizza and ice cream. Share a bowl of popcorn. Kiss him goodnight. Walk him to school. Watch him grow into a young man. See him create a family of his own.
What was she thinking? Was she really considering to disappear from her son's life?! What had she imagined? That her little prince was to grow up without her being around?
No!
She couldn't do this to him. To any of them. Her decision would influence everyone. Henry and Zelena. The two people she cared most about in this world. Of course she couldn't do this to them. How selfish she had been. The idea of Zelena having to tell Henry that she was dead was enough to make her feel nauseous and faint.
She felt gentle fingers on her wrist. Zelena's voice close to her ear. "I'm begging you, please step away from the window. Don't do this. Please."
Regina immediately turned around. Turned away from the window and faced her sister.
Zelena quickly took a step forward and enveloped Regina in a tight hug. Without letting her go, she guided her as far away from the window as they possibly could get. "I'm not letting you do this to yourself," she whispered shakily. "I'm gonna get all the help there is in this world, and I'm gonna be here every fucking step of the way! I'm gonna sleep on the floor if that's what it takes to make sure you won't ever hurt yourself." She squeezed Regina a little tighter. "Please, please, promise me you won't ever try and do this again!"
Regina nodded. Carefully wiggled out of her sister's arms and grabbed the pen and paper that now permanently resided on her bedside table. She wrote only three words on the paper. 'I need help.'
"I'll be here. Every step of the way," Zelena vowed.
But Regina shook her head. No, that was not what she meant. She wrote on the paper again. 'I need professional help.'
"Okay," Zelena said. "I'll get you that, sis. I'll get you the best therapist-"
But Regina interrupted her by shaking her head again. That was not enough either. She needed more. She took a shaky breath before writing on the paper again. 'I need you to check me into the psychiatric ward as soon as possible.' It was the only right thing to do, she knew that. Her thoughts about taking her life was gone for now, but she couldn't be sure that they would not come back. What if they did? What if she once again lost herself in that ocean of darkness? And what if no one would come and stop her the next time? She couldn't take the risk. No. She had to be surrounded by experts. Put on suicidal watch if that was what it took. Because she never would feel the way she felt a moment ago. She never again wanted to experience that feeling of intense desperation.
"If that is what you want, that is what I'll do," Zelena said hoarsely and gently took the paper from Regina.
Regina nodded once to give her confirmation. This was how it was going to be.
"Okay. I'll arrange that you'll be transferred," Zelena said and swallowed thickly. "And we will get you help, okay? The best help possible! And you will beat this, do you hear me?" she squeezed Regina's hands again.
Regina nodded again. Yes. She would beat this. For Henry's sake. Because she owed it to him to fight with whatever tiny amount of strength she had left in her body. For Henry's sake, she would work on piecing her heart back together so it could do its job properly. For him. For Henry.
Henry.
She turned her head and glanced towards the framed picture of him standing on her bedside table.
"You want to see Henry?" Zelena guessed.
Regina nodded wildly. Yes. More than anything, she needed to see her son.
"Okay." Zelena took two steps backwards without turning around. She kept her eyes firmly locked at Regina as she backed up against the door. She didn't even turn around to open the door. She just fumbled with the handle for a second, and still, without turning around and taking her eyes off Regina, she called into the hallway: "Henry, poppet, can you come in here? Your mom wants to see you!"
Regina felt so utterly guilty as she watched Zelena look at her. Once again, she had managed to make her sister worried. Because of a thought that popped into her head and had to live for a few seconds before she could effectively kill it. And now Zelena was scared to look away from Regina because she was afraid Regina would take the opportunity to jump out of the window.
The taste of bile filled Regina's mouth, but before she could decide whether to leg it to the bathroom and throw up, she heard footsteps in the hallway, and then her son came inside the hospital room.
Her boy. Her beautiful, clever, wonderful son with the shaggy brown hair that needed a trim and those big, brown eyes he had inherited from her. Henry with his warm, trusting smile. He was her beacon of light. The thing that forever kept her grounded. And the reason she was so mortified right now, because how could she EVER have even CONSIDERED leaving him alone in this world? Become a high schooler without her? Graduate? Go to college? Get married and have children? She had considered to miss out on all those things. She had considered to permanently remove herself from her son's world. Change him for good. He would never have stopped asking why she had done it. And the answer... The answer would have been equally painful. Imagine if Zelena had to tell him that as well.
The reason why his mother committed suicide...
No!
Feeling mortified with herself, Regina raised a shaking hand and waved at Henry. Urging him closer.
He willingly trotted over to her. Flashed her one of those smiles that always went straight to her heart. Her heart felt less shattered when Henry smiled at her. It was still working.
"Hi, mom," he said softly and sweetly. "How are you feeling?"
Mortified. Ashamed over herself. Afraid over her mind. Scared of what was waiting ahead. Scared of the possibility of the dark thoughts popping into her head again.
She didn't tell him that. Instead she took him in her arms. Hugged him tightly. Kissed the top of his head. His cheeks, his forehead, the tip of his nose. He laughed and called her 'silly', but he made no attempt at getting away from her. That was how it had been like ever since she finally had learned that Henry's hugs weren't dangerous. That Henry's hugs only were of the good in this world.
Henry returned the embrace. Wrapped his arms tightly around her waist and squeezed. Regina dropped another kiss on his hair. Ran her fingers through it until it became all messy. Until Henry laughed. God, that was a beautiful sound! One that she for a moment had considered to rob herself of hearing again.
Regina glanced at Zelena over the top of Henry's head. She made eye contact with her sister and soundlessly formed two words. 'Never again'. It was not a promise she could make, she knew that. That was why she was getting help. That was why she knew she had to be admitted to the psychiatric ward where there were specialists that could help her. And for Henry's sake, she would fight with everything she had in her to get better. He was her world. Her reason to live. He was the one she would focus all her attention on from now on. Her job was to ensure that the rest of Henry's childhood would be a good one. A happy and safe one full of good memories. She would pour her heart and soul into being his mother. Dedicate herself completely to that. Everything came second.
She was his mother first.
It had been she and him ever since her belly started to swell. Her little prince.
Them against the world.
He was the one she would give all her love to.
Only him. The sole owner of her heart.
The only person she could trust her heart with.
Just the two of them, like it had been once before...
To Be Continued...