-Six months later-
Identity.
That was something Regina had thought a lot about in the months she was hospitalized. And she had reached the conclusion that she does not know who she is.
Well, one could argue that she DID know she was. She was Regina Mills.
But that was just a name. A title. Exactly like her former job as a professor was just a title. An image to present to the outside world.
Who was she on the inside? Who was she really?
Henry's mother. Of course. The most important thing in the world.
That should be enough (it WILL be enough!), but right now, she could only think of it as another title. Another thing she presents to the outside world. And while it is most certainly true on the inside too, there was still something niggling her. As much as she wanted her title as Henry's mother to be enough, it was not.
She had lost something. A tiny piece of herself. Of her identity.
Who was she now? After the horrendous experiences, what was she supposed to be now? Her identity had been revolving around Killian. HIS fiancé. HIS future wife. Maybe she shouldn't be asking herself who she is. Maybe she should ask WHAT she is. Ever since that night her identity has been floating somewhere. Nameless. Faceless. Voiceless.
Victim. Victim. Victim. Victim, victim, victim, victim, VICTIM.
The word grew louder and louder in Regina's head until it felt like her inner voice was shouting. Wasn't that what she was now? Victim of domestic abuse. Victim of sexual assault.
She'd heard doctors and nurses call her a victim. The police has called her a victim. Even Zelena has called her a victim. The label had been slapped on her and was as visible as the scar Killian left on her lip.
That scar would never go away. And neither would the label.
Regina looked at herself in the mirror. God knows that she looked like a victim. Dark circles underneath her eyes. Hollow cheeks. Plaster and bandage covering most of her throat. As soon as her mental health 'improved' as the doctor called it, and she was released from the psychiatric ward, the experts started working on her throat. The goal was to restore her voice. First with injections. They had to sedate her. The thought of anyone coming near her throat was enough to make her feel like she was choking. The injections did not work. Neither did the following operation. Regina wasn't completely sure why. Something about the doctor having difficulties with repositioning her vocal cords. Something about her vocal cords being too damaged by the assault. There were talk about perhaps trying again in six months or so.
Regina had nodded. But deep down she knew that she would never let anyone come near her throat again. This was her life now. And she would just have to accept that. She could. As long as she focused all her attention on Henry rather than herself. Henry was what mattered the most.
Regina brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. Examined it more closely. Her hair was shorter than it had been before. Normally, she had curls that brushed the middle of her back, but she had not been able to run a brush through it without remembering how Killian had yanked at it. So she had begged Zelena to cut it for her.
Zelena had done so without asking twice. Scissors were not allowed in the psychiatric ward, but Zelena had gotten a special permission to bring a pair of scissors with her. And she had done a rather good job at cutting it.
Regina was not used to having her hair cut this short. But she would get used to it. Like so many other things.
Next, she examined the bandage covering her throat. It was ugly. All of her was. She looked terrible. Had lost so much weight recently. The liquid diet didn't help the matter, but it was more than that. Eating was painful for her. She's been having pain in her throat for all the months she had been in the hospital. First pains after having a tube in her throat. Then phantom pains after the assault. But these were real pains. These were pains that could be soothed by medicine, and Regina was oddly grateful for that. She could feel. And more importantly, what she was feeling was REAL.
Unlike the pain she often felt between her legs. Often the muscles cramped so terribly it brought tears to her eyes and she had no choice but to curl up in bed.
'Trauma', the doctor told her. Such an ugly, ugly word to describe the excruciating pains Regina experienced. An ugly word to cover an ugly experience. How poetic.
Regina turned around, left the bathroom without feeling very refreshed after the shower she just had. She felt tired, so tired. It didn't matter that she woke up from another nap ten minutes ago. She was still tired.
'It's because you just had an operation, sweetie', Zelena claimed. Regina doubted it. The exhaustion was not because of anything physical. It was mentally. A tiredness in her very bones. The intense urge to wanting to sleep all the time. Depression, her doctor explained. Although she was 'out of the woods', she was still depressed, her doctor had told her. And Regina mostly wanted to scoff. Because she damn well knew that already. She did not need a doctor to tell her that she was depressed.
Regina squared her shoulders and took a deep breath. Today she couldn't get lost in her own head. Today she had to pick herself up. Because she was getting out of the hospital. At last. Today she was finally allowed to do something on her own. For someone who had been surrounded by doctors and nurses for five months, this was a huge thing. And a test. Regina wanted to prove to herself that she could handle meeting other people. Eventually, she HAD to, right? And taking the train from Toronto and all the way back to Vancouver seemed like a good way to start. Regina had already planned her trip. She would read as many books as possible. Text Henry nonstop. He was excited to have her back home at last.
But Henry was the only person she would text. And Zelena too of course. They were the only two people she could handle texting. Nobody else. She knew that Malena had tried to call her many, many times. And text. Regina couldn't call back, but she had not returned any of the messages either. She couldn't handle texting Malena. Zelena had cooked up some story, of course. Malena knew that Regina could not speak any longer, but the real reason remained a secret. Regina had made sure of that. Malena could never know. Nor Henry. He had been through more than enough in his young life. Finding out what Killian had done to her would absolutely crush him. So Regina had gone along on the story Zelena had cooked up. That she and Killian had been involved in a car accident. That that was how she got injured. How she lost her voice. Killian being sent to prison was explained away fairly simply. Drunk driving. It had been no secret that Killian liked a solid glass of rum, and now it had proved to be the perfect excuse. Henry had of course been angry at him for driving whilst drunk, and then he had declared that he 'never wanted to talk about him again'.
That suited Regina just fine. She was more than willing to let Killian fade away.
Except he never would. Not really. She could always see him. Out of the corner of her eye. Standing behind her. Lurking in the shadows. Always grinning. Sometimes holding a belt in his hands. And in her dreams, he was always there. On top of her. Raping her. Choking her. Telling her to shut the hell up.
That's what he had made her do. Permanently. He wanted her quiet, so he made it so. Voice gone. Like it had never been there. Perhaps Killian was in prison, but so was she. In ways that were more terrible than the way he was incarcerated.
Regina did not believe in the death penalty. She did not wish death upon anyone. Not even Killian Jones. She did not want his life to end. Instead she wanted to face him. Ask him why. One day when the thought of him didn't make her want to vomit.
Regina blinked and tried to focus on the clothes that had been laid out on the bed for her. Black pencil skirt. Cream colored blouse. Nylon stockings. Black silk scarf. Normal clothes. Polar opposite of what she had been wearing the past five months. Regina looked down at herself. Looked at the checkered pajama bottoms and faded grey hoodie. There was a time where she would rather be caught dead than wear such a dreadful attire, but today it was the thought of the blouse and pencil skirt that made her heart thump painfully in her chest. The clothes were so... tight fitted. Too tight fitted. What if someone would look at her body? What if they would take it as an invitation? Follow her to the train's bathroom and...
No!
Regina pressed a fist against her forehead and closed her eyes for a moment. She did not want to think like that. It was just clothes. Clothes she used to love. Clothes she could grow to love again if she allowed herself to. Yes. She could handle this. And her suitcase had already been packed. She did not have time to find a different outfit. Regina set her jaw and grabbed the clothes from the bed. Went back to the bathroom and lifted the hoodie. She tried to be as careful as possible as she tugged it over her head. The slightest brush of something, and her newly operated throat started to throb and hurt all over. She did not look at her upper body in her mirror either as the hoodie was discarded. She couldn't. It would make her feel sick if she did. Just slipped her arms through the sleeves of her blouse and buttoned it as quickly as she could. Her fingers trembled, but apart from that she was okay. She could do that.
Next were the pajama pants. She quickly tugged those down and stepped out of them. Tried to avoid ripping the nylon stockings as she carefully slid them up her legs. The material felt strange and scratchy against her legs. Foreign. She had grown far too used to the soft material all her pajama bottoms were made of. This had to be the first thing on her to-do list. Getting accustomed to wear nylon stockings again.
She smoothened the stockings to ensure that they weren't wrinkling anywhere and that she hadn't accidentally ripped them. She hadn't.
The next thing she did was slipping the pencil skirt up her legs. And it happened as soon as she did. The memory of Killian ripping her skirt, forcing it down her legs and then ripping her stockings and underwear. Forcing her legs apart. Forcing himself inside her. The burning sensation. The tear. The blood serving as a proof of how unprepared she had been.
Regina was shaking from top to toe as she stood there in front of the mirror. Her fingers never stopped tugging at the skirt. She was trying to force it down to cover her knees, but she couldn't, and the feeling of the skirt against her legs made her throat close up and her heart thump in her chest. She was too accessible in a skirt. Anyone could get to her. Anyone could touch her if they wanted to. Her palms went damp and her breath ragged.
She couldn't do this.
Her eyes welled up and fresh tears spilled onto her cheeks and ruined her makeup. She couldn't stand looking at herself in the mirror. It looked like she was pretending. Pretending to be her old self even though she wasn't. How could she possibly have thought that for?
Victim. Victim. Victim. Victim, victim, victim, VICTIM! VICTIM! VICTIM!
Her chest heaved. Her fingers pulled at the skirt. She coughed even though she wasn't supposed to because of the wound in her throat. But how could she not cough when it felt like her throat was closing up?
"Regina? Regina is everything alright in there?"
That was Zelena coming to check on her like she had said she would. But Regina couldn't answer her. She could just stand there and tug at the skirt whilst her heart felt like it was about to shatter against her ribcage.
Zelena didn't like that. She found Regina's silence concerning. Well, no, not her silence. Regina couldn't be anything but silent now, but it was the lack of response that concerned Zelena, Regina knew that, but again, she could not react. The memories of that night burned in her brain. That night that turned her into a victim. Her body hurt. Every single part of it. From her toes that was twisted backwards when he knocked her over. To her hair he grabbed yanked harshly at. But it was the throbbing in her core that had her doubling over and dry heaving over the toilet. It was the memories of him on top of her, inside of her that had her ending up on the floor with one arm protectively wrapped around her abdomen and eyes staring blankly at the wall.
"Regina? Regina, I'm coming in!"
Of course. The door to the bathroom was not locked. Zelena didn't like when Regina locked the door to the bathroom, so Regina did not. She wasn't completely sure what Zelena imagined. That she would kill herself by drowning?
The door to the bathroom opened and Zelena came inside. She immediately crouched down next to where Regina was sitting. Grasped her hand. Voice radiating with concern as she asked: "honey? What happened?"
Such a simple question. Regina's eyes welled up with tears again as she gestured with her free hand towards her skirt.
Zelena was quick to hand Regina her phone, and Regina tried to get her trembling fingers under control as she typed on it. It took longer than it normally would, but eventually she succeeded and could show her sister what she had written. 'The skirt is too short.'. Nothing else. She couldn't make her fingers write how exposed and vulnerable she felt. How the memories of Killian ripping her old skirt kept flaming up in her mind. How she could feel him inside her in this very moment.
"Oh, sweetie," Zelena said softly, put the phone aside and gathered Regina in her arms as though she was a child needing consolation.
Regina certainly felt like a child. Zelena's hugs suddenly reminded her of the rare hugs Cora Mills sometimes bestowed upon her.
A hug, a pat on the cheek. A 'there, there' followed by the assurance that everything was going to be okay. A band-aid on a scraped knee to stop the bleeding.
How did one stop a soul from bleeding?
What could you say when 'there, there' wasn't enough anymore?
It was simple, really. You said nothing. You kept still. Kept hugging. Exactly like Zelena was right now. This was her version of a 'there, there'. Regina appreciated it. Appreciated that she had a sister who was willing to sit down on a dirty bathroom floor with her.
"Do you want to wear something else?" Zelena asked gently.
It wasn't about the skirt, and they both knew that, but Regina still shook her head.
"Are you certain, hun?"
She nodded. Yes, she was certain. Why should she change out of her skirt? She couldn't. If she didn't wear one today, she would never be able to again. She knew that in her gut. She would stick to wearing pants for the rest of her life.
"You deserve to wear a skirt, sweetie," Zelena whispered. "You are allowed and entitled to."
Regina nodded against the top of her sister's shoulder. She suddenly felt a little better. Yes, she was allowed to wear a skirt. More than allowed. Why shouldn't she? There was nothing wrong with this skirt. It was not too short. Not even the slightest bit. And she was sitting on a dirty bathroom floor. She shifted a little.
Zelena did too. There was a worried little crease between her eyes. She carefully scanned Regina's face, and Regina immediately felt guilty for having worried her sister again. She flashed Zelena a little smile and then extended a hand out, indicating that she wanted to get up from the bathroom floor. Zelena immediately took the hint and helped her up.
Regina was on her feet again. Looked at her reflection in the mirror once more. Her cheeks were a little blotchy, but apart from that she looked okay. Except for the bandage covering her throat, but fortunately enough, that was something that could be rectified. She looked down at her exposed legs. Her skirt was not too short. Her skirt was the exact same length as it always was. And she wanted to wear it. Simply because she had to. She had to do this. Exactly like she had to take the train back to Vancouver on her own. To prove that she was still in here. That she wasn't just an empty shell walking around. She brushed a hand over her blouse and skirt.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Zelena asked as though she could read Regina's thoughts.
Regina nodded without fully knowing whether Zelena was referring to the skirt or train ride, but she quickly found out when Zelena continued: "it's just... the idea of sending you on a train after..." she bit her lip. "I don't like being separated from you at the moment."
Regina knew that. But she also knew that she disliked flying. She knew that she was afraid of getting on to an airplane. And more than anything, she knew that she was done doing things that made her afraid. The train ride did not scare her as such. She didn't have to do anything except from sitting in her seat during the day and retire to her sleep cabin at night. She could disappear into one of her books. Without being interrupted by the doctors and nurses coming to poke and prod at her all the time. She needed some time with herself, and she had already informed Zelena of this a few times.
"Alright," Zelena said softly and nodded. "The choice is yours, sis. But I just want you to know that if you want to get off the train at any point- no matter which station- you do it. You find a hotel and then you text me and I'll come get you. No matter where you are."
Regina nodded. She knew this too.
"Alright," Zelena repeated. "Do you feel okay?"
Regina settled for a vague smile. She certainly felt more in control of her emotions now, but okay? No, that feeling was not familiar to her. Not at all.
"Then it's actually time to get going," Zelena told her. "But-"
Regina interrupted her by patting her hand lightly. Then she looked at herself in the mirror. Lightly swiped a finger underneath her eyes to catch any makeup that might have ended up there during her crying fit. She straightened her scarf a little and ensured that it covered the bandage on her throat. She accidentally rubbed a little too hard on the wound on her throat, and the action had Regina wincing slightly.
"Do you need any medicine?" Zelena asked immediately.
Regina shook her head. She just had a pill an hour ago. It was too early for another one.
"One in the morning and one before bedtime," Zelena said for something that felt like the umpteenth time that day. "And don't forget to take those muscle relaxing ones before every meal..."
Regina sighed before she could stop herself. She had heard this so. Many. Times.
"And your... other medicine is in the left pocket in your purse," her sister continued, eyes clouding over with concern, and Regina squirmed a little. The 'other medicine' was the antidepressants doctor Auburn insisted on prescribing to her. Regina was not a huge fan, but for Zelena's sake, she took the medicine. For Zelena's sake, she kept taking the medicine. As of lately, she had found herself to be doing a lot of things for Zelena's sake. But deep down, she knew that those pills did in fact work. They DID lessen her anxiety some. They did make it easier for her to fall asleep at night.
But she wasn't gonna change her mind about what she already had decided. That these pills were only temporary. She refused to live a life on antidepressants.
"Are you ready to get out of here?" Zelena asked and brought her out of her musings.
Regina nodded. Yes, she was more than ready to finally get out of the hospital! She was well aware that a change of scenery was no miracle cure, but after the many, many months where she only dared venturing out on little walks on the hospital grounds, this train ride was pretty much everything she could ask for...
Toronto station was packed with people. Most of them dragging suitcases behind them. Some of them speaking hectically on the phone whilst doing so. There were children zigzagging between their parents. Constantly getting away and squealing in excitement about the upcoming trip. The parents on the other hand looked stressed. Actually, most of the people on the station looked stressed.
Regina felt stressed too. Stressed and anxious. Suppose this wasn't such a good idea after all? Perhaps she wasn't ready for this. Maybe it was too much for her fragile mind. Maybe she should tell Zelena that she had changed her mind. Bite back her fear and get on the plane with the rest of her family.
But then she felt herself becoming stubborn, and Regina was beyond grateful when she recognized this old side of herself. The stubborn side. The side of her that refused to give up no matter what. A tiny little sign that some of the old her was still in here somewhere. Hiding at the moment, but perhaps able to come back someday. In time. She could do this of course she could. She had to. Had to become her own person again. She couldn't always rely on her sister to come to her aid whenever something was wrong. Of course she did not doubt for a moment that Zelena would drop everything and come to help her, but maybe that was exactly the problem. By having Zelena and letting her handle everything, Regina was slowly loosing her ability to make decisions because it was easier to let Zelena make the decisions for her. But that was ending right now. As comfortable and easy as it was, having Zelena making her decisions, Regina knew that she had to get back in the game so to speak. Now was the time for her to make her own decisions. Time to make sure that she was still capable of doing so after having been trapped in her own home by her ex.
"Now," Zelena said and her eyes radiated concern as she looked at Regina. "Are you absolutely sure you want to do this, sis? Because if you-"
"Honey," Chad gently interrupted and put a hand on Zelena's arm. Just that. He didn't even say anything else. He didn't have to. Zelena didn't finish the sentence. She just nodded, clearly understanding that Regina had made up her mind.
Actually, Regina was still contemplating whether she should do this or not, but that was not something Zelena needed to know.
"Bye, mom!" Henry effectively interrupted them and wrapped his arms around Regina's midriff. "Have a nice train ride!"
Regina hugged her little prince tightly. God, she was looking forward to coming home. Really coming home. Spending time with your son was difficult when you happened to be a patient at the psychiatric ward and later recovering after failed injections and a surgery that turned out to be nothing but waste of time and pain.
But when she came home, she would spend her every waking moment with her son, that was for sure. Now it was just the two of them. Their little unity. Regina would finally be his mother again. She hadn't been much of a mother to him for the past six months.
No. She hadn't been much of a mother to him for the past two years. Perhaps she had still spent time with him, but there had always been a thought present in the back of her mind. Killian. What would happen if Killian came home angry, what would happen if she couldn't get this favorite rum at the store, what if Killian was in the mood for sex later. Regina tried not to shiver. Her life had revolved around Killian in the darkest way possible. He had been the center of her life in the worst way imaginable.
"Mom?"
Regina quickly looked up again and willingly met her son's eyes. She smiled. The gesture felt a bit strange.
"Can we have pizza when you come home?" Henry asked sweetly.
Regina nodded. Didn't even correct it to 'may'. Of course Henry could have pizza. As much as he wanted. He could have whatever he desired, pizza, ice cream, you name it. Because now it was she and him against the rest of the world. Like it used to be.
"Nice!" he grinned, hugged her again. A little wrinkle appeared between his big, brown eyes as he looked up at her once more. "I'm really gonna miss you while you're on the train, mom."
Something heavy and unpleasant settled in Regina's stomach. Henry had practically been glued to her side ever since she woke up from the coma. Her poor little prince had been through so much in his young life already, and Regina hated herself for ever having brought such evil inside their house. But for the millionth time she thanked God that she had been smart enough to send Henry away before the hellish ordeal with Killian happened. Suppose Henry had been home when it happened. Suppose he had heard or maybe even seen some of the things Killian had done to her that night. His life would have been ruined. Regina hugged him once more. Tried to control her emotions as another frightening scenario popped up in her head. Suppose Killian had gone after Henry instead of her that night. He could very well have done that. Regina truly believed so. Henry was the whole reason she had finally woken up and decided that enough was enough. She had decided to leave because Killian indirectly had threatened her son. Of course he would have gone after Henry that night had he had the chance.
Regina dropped a kiss on Henry's hair and then tapped his chest twice.
"You'll never go away again," Henry murmured. That was one of the first things Regina had let him know at the hospital. That even though she couldn't touch him right then and there, she would never ever leave him. She nodded in confirmation, kissed his cheek, and then turned to Zelena. She looked a bit teary eyed.
"Text me when you're on your way," her sister said a bit thickly. She and Chad and Henry had to leave for the airport right after Regina had gotten on the train.
Regina nodded and wiggled her fingers. 'I promise.'
"Have a nice trip, little sis," Zelena continued and gave Regina a hug.
"You'll reach Vancouver before you know it," Chad said. He settled for giving her shoulder a very brief pat. Regina could not bear the idea of a man wrapping his arms around her. Not even if that man happened to be her brother-in-law whom she trusted completely and had a fantastic relationship with. There had been many a night where Chad had been sitting in a chair in the farthest corner of her hospital room and watching over her because Zelena was unable to be there. The idea of him sitting right next to her bed had scared Regina, but at the same time she felt horrible with demanding that he sat so far away. But Chad had taken it in strides. He had talked to her from the corner of the room, and even though Regina hadn't been able to reply to him, it had felt nice to hear a man's voice she didn't connect with something bad.
Regina flashed Chad a smile. She was grateful Zelena had him. He was truly a wonderful man, and she knew that despite being irrationally afraid of his touches.
"I suppose you better get on the train," Zelena said almost brusquely. A cover up for her emotions, no doubt.
Regina nodded and grabbed her suitcase. She could feel her heart thump uncomfortably in her chest, but she refused to back down now. Not when they were finally here. She had not come all this way only to give up and turn around. She was a Mills after all. And the Mills-women did not give up. At least that was what her mother had always said.
"My brave sister," Zelena said softly. Her chin wobbled a little.
Regina barely mustered a smile. The word was like nails on a chalkboard. It felt like hard and with little sharp edges. She didn't feel brave. Not even the littlest bit. She felt afraid all over again. Afraid and pathetic. Because she was not about to go bungy jump. The only thing she had to do was board a train. That was literally all. Her heart shouldn't be hammering away in her chest because of that. It was ridiculous.
"I'll see you in three days, mom," Henry said and hugged her again. "Don't forget to send me lots of texts!"
Regina nodded. Of course she would remember that. Nothing in this world could prevent her from texting her son non-stop as the train took her from Toronto and back to Vancouver.
"I think it's almost time, sis," Zelena said, sounding a little stressed, and to prevent her from getting more stressed, Regina nodded in confirmation, grabbed her suitcase once more, kissed Henry one last time and then turned around and walked towards the newly arrived train. She had a feeling that Zelena wouldn't budge until she had boarded the train.
And she was right. Zelena, Henry and Chad were indeed still standing on the platform when she glanced out of the window. Regina put on a brave face and waved reassuringly at them. Tried to communicate that they could leave now if they wanted. They had to, really. They had to be at the airport so they could check in and all that.
"Bye, mom!" Henry called loudly and waved eagerly.
Regina waved back through the open window and blew her little prince a kiss.
Henry grinned as he pretended to catch the kiss in his hands. Thank god he wasn't too old for that kind of 'nonsense'.
After a moment, Regina saw Zelena take Henry and Chad by their hands, say something and then after one last wave and loud 'goodbye, mom! See you in three days!', Zelena, Chad and Henry left the station and disappeared.
Regina was officially on her own now, and she wasn't sure how to feel about it. She hadn't been alone for a very long time. She had been surrounded by either her family or doctors or nurses.
Regina swallowed. The action made her throat cramp slightly, and she winced. Then she licked her lips. Suddenly, she was hyper aware of how many people there was here. Yelling and pushing. Impatient and stressed. Children squealing. God, it was too much. It felt as though her anxiety could skyrocket at any moment. She took a deep breath. Told herself to loosen the grip on her suitcase just a little. She was here now. There was no turning back. Not unless she hopped off the train and texted her sister in a panic, and she refused to do that. No, she had to do this for herself. Had to get used to be by herself. She had to learn to 'embrace herself'. At least that was what her therapist had said, and Regina chose to believe that she knew what she was talking about.
So she slowly started to make her way down the hallway. Inching her way past the people chitchatting. She needed to sit down. Could feel her limited strength dwindle. She had been chronically tired since waking up from the coma, and she had learned that she had to act on it quickly. Otherwise she would get a headache and start to feel sick to her stomach. Ergo, she had to find her seat or sleep cabin pretty quickly. Otherwise a visit to the train's bathroom would be the first thing she did.
But it soon became abundantly clear that she was in the wrong train wagon. Damnit. Had she been able to, Regina would most certainly have cursed out loud. Now she had to settle for thinking it. Her throat was really starting to ache.
"Sorry, ma'am," a voice behind her said, and the next second a man had pushed his way past Regina.
Regina's heart leapt into her throat, and she immediately felt the nausea swirl around in her belly. Her heart thumped, and suddenly all of the men she could see on the train, had Killian's face. All of them were smirking at her. All of them inching closer...
No! She blinked rapidly and took a gulp of air. Killian was NOT here. Killian couldn't hurt her anymore. He was gone. Would never be able to hurt her again.
"Is everything alright, ma'am?" another man asked her. He sounded very concerned and considerate, and Regina nodded quickly, trying her best to smile. The nausea was already subsiding, and she actually felt a little proud of herself. Just a little. She had handled her first panic attack on her own.
She continued her walk down the narrow train hallway as she avoided making eye contact with anyone. She didn't want to give anyone reason to strike up a conversation with her. The most important thing was getting to her sleep cabin so she could put her suitcase away. Maybe lie on the bed and breathe for a moment. Just for a couple of minutes before she headed out and found her seat. She was determined to enjoy this train ride. Determined to make the most of it.
Finally, she found the correct sleep cabin. There was a little click as she twisted the key in the lock, and then she could push the door open. It looked very nice. A bit cramped. The bed was pretty much taking up all the space, but that was alright. She would only be here for three days. And frankly, after having slept in bulgy hospital beds for six months, she had a feeling this bed would be the most comfortable bed in the world.
Regina sat down on the edge of it for a moment. Felt tempted to remove her shoes and lie down and sleep. Just a short powernap. But then she shook her head. She had spent so much time on sleeping during the past six months. If she laid down now, she would only wake up tomorrow morning. Her first day of the train ride would be wasted, and that would be a shame. She didn't come here to sleep the time away. She came here to prove that she could be out in the open. Amongst other people. Not isolate herself in her sleep cabin the whole time. That didn't qualify as 'trying'. Not even a little bit.
So she whipped out a little mirror and checked her appearance. Her hair was still nice and neat. Her makeup was still sitting where it was supposed to sit. Her lips were still a dark shade of red. There was no trace of her minor panic attack in her face. Good. Regina fixed her red silk scarf a little. Just to make sure that it was still covering the plaster on her throat. The scarf had to cover the plaster. She refused to leave the sleep cabin if it didn't. She didn't want anyone to look at her throat and wonder what had happened.
For a moment, she forgot what she was supposed to do as she traced the plaster underneath the scarf.
The skin felt tender and itchy.
The muscles sore.
She took a deep breath, remembered what she was supposed to do. Leave her sleep cabin and go find her seat. Right. Yes. She could do that. Of course she could. Regina fixed her hair just one more time, checked her ticket, and then she grabbed her bag and left the sleep cabin.
A1, window seat. That was where she was supposed to sit, but there was a surprise waiting for Regina when she found her seat. There was a girl sitting there. Well, perhaps not a girl. Perhaps 'woman' was a better word to use to describe her. But she was definitely younger than Regina, in her mid to late twenties, as far as Regina could judge. She was wearing brown boots and jeans and quite a rugged red leather jacket. It appeared to be quite well-loved like Henry's favorite striped scarf was. Regina nervously fixed the collar on her beige trench coat. The woman whose bright yellow hair fell down and covered her face appeared to be fast asleep in her seat. Or rather, Regina's seat that was.
How was she supposed to do this? Regina shifted her weight as she considered it. The sleeping woman was sitting in her seat, that much was obvious. Regina was gonna sit with her for three days. The last thing she wanted, was to come across as being obnoxious or give this woman a reason to get annoyed with her. That could be avoided if Regina simply sat down on the woman's seat. But there was a problem. Regina's seat- the seat the sleeping woman was sitting in- was facing forward. The woman's seat was not. Regina had to sit in the seat facing forward. Otherwise she would get motion sickness. She would throw up and get properly sick. And that wasn't something she was particularly interested in. Meaning that there was only one thing she could do. She fixed the collar on her beige trench coat again. Made sure the scarf was sitting as it should, and then she took a hesitant step forward. Outstretched a hand and waited. Prayed that the sleeping woman would wake up all on her own. But it didn't happen. She just kept on sleeping.
Regina's strength and perhaps her patience was failing her.
She gave the sleeping woman the lightest of taps on the shoulder.
The woman 'mm'ed' in her sleep, and as she came to it, Regina quickly reached within her pocket and found her phone. Typed in a message as quickly as she could.
The now awake woman looked up at her. Regina was met by a lightly freckled face and a pair of green eyes. And a question. "Yeah?" the woman said. She didn't sound particularly annoyed. Just sleepy. Her voice was a bit thick in it.
Regina hesitantly turned her phone screen towards the woman to show her the message she had written there. 'Excuse me, but I think you're in my seat.'
The girl- woman- seemed reluctant. "I don't think I am," she half-groaned and stretched her long legs.
Regina's throat felt a little dry as she slipped the phone back in her pocket. She was so scared that this would end in conflict. She ordered her hands not to tremble as she showed the blonde woman her ticket so she could see that this was in fact Regina's seat.
The blonde glanced at the ticket, and her nose scrunched up a little as she said: "Right." her movements radiated exhaustion as she unfolded her long legs and stood up. Grabbed her bag from underneath the seat and dragged it over to the correct seat. "Sorry," she said.
Regina was quick to offer a smile. There was really no harm done. Perhaps she should tell this blonde woman about her motion sickness, but perhaps that qualified as oversharing.
The blonde sat down and curled up in her seat. Boots and everything. The gesture reminded Regina of one a child would made, and she smiled a little. The blonde woman clearly had a rough day. Not unlike herself. The panic attack earlier had really taken a toll on her. She could feel that now. Her arms felt weak as she stuffed her suitcase away in the overhead bin. Could feel how exhausted she truly was when she finally sat down in her seat. It was surprisingly comfortable. Then she opened her purse and found her book. Now she could finally do what she had intended to do on this trip. Read. But she had barely read two words before she heard a chuckle coming from the other seat. She looked up and noticed that the blonde woman was looking. Not at her. But at her book. 'Murder on The Orient Express'.
Regina offered the blonde woman a little smile. And to her surprise, the smile was immediately returned. It wasn't often strangers returned a smile given to them, but this woman did.
Regina settled back with her book and felt relaxation wash over her in comfortable waves. Yes, she had definitely made the right choice when hopping on this train instead of enduring a plane ride...
To Be Continued...