When the daylight dwindled, it was time to settle down for the night and find your sleep compartment.
Regina was grateful when the lights dimmed, and she could close her book. She had been ready to settle down for hours. She was so tired her bones were aching. Her throat hurt. Her head was spinning. There had been many, many times during the evening where she had thought to herself that perhaps Zelena had been right. Perhaps it was too soon for her to travel on her own. But then her stubbornness had kicked in. She wanted to do this on her own. No. She HAD to do this on her own! She was a grown woman, and she refused to need someone to hold her hand every damn second of the day. She could take care of herself.
Except for all those times where she could not. Except for that night where she had been unable to take care of herself.
No.
Regina pushed the thought away and shifted uneasily as she waited for the passengers in front of her to move along. She kept patting her pocket just to make sure that the key she had been given earlier was still there. Thankfully, it was. Regina was in no mood to try to explain to an employee that she had lost the key.
As she stood in line along with the rest of the passengers, she noticed the blonde woman further up the line. She too looked tired, bless her. It looked like she already had been on quite the journey. Regina hoped that the blonde woman would be able to sleep tonight. She looked like she could need it. She had been fine company tonight. Regina had appreciated her presence in the dining area, because despite fearing other people, Regina feared being alone even more. It was when she was alone, the dark thoughts came. It was when she was alone that she could see Killian's shadow in the corner of her eye. See him smirk and smile whilst patting the leather belt sitting on his hips. He was never far away when she was alone. And it made her sick. She shivered slightly, then glanced behind her to check if anyone had noticed. But no one seemed to be paying attention to her. Good. That was how Regina preferred it. To be invisible at all times. It was much safer. She discreetly scratched her throat over the silk scarf. The skin around the stiches was itching again, and Regina reminded herself to put on a bit extra of that soothing cream she had been given by the doctor. Then she lowered her hands. She was not even supposed to scratch. Doctor Auburn had warned her of that. If she scratched, she would end up with a scar.
A scar. Regina let out a sigh. She would end up with a scar regardless of whether she scratched or not. Her throat was already ruined. As was the rest of her. 'He' had ruined her. He had claimed her body. He was still claiming it. Regina couldn't stand looking at herself. Showers were quickly over with because she couldn't bear the sight of her naked body.
At last she reached her sleep compartment and could insert the key. She twisted it once and the door creaked open. Regina stepped inside and looked around. There was a bed and a little night lamp attached to the wall. Not much, but since this train journey would only be three days, this was everything she could ask for.
Regina sat down on the edge of the bed and closed her eyes for a moment. She wanted nothing more than to just let herself fall backwards and go to sleep right then and there, but she could not do that quite yet. She had her nightly routine, and she was going to stick to it. Her nightly routine was one of the few things she had been clinging onto while she was in the hospital, and she was not about to let that go. Routines were important. That was what everyone said. Regina sighed and rubbed her face. Should she take her medicine before or after going to the bathroom? Afterwards. Otherwise there was a risk that she would fall asleep with the toothbrush still in her mouth.
Regina allowed herself a few extra moments where she just sat and decompressed. Then she rose from the bed, opened her suitcase, and found her toothbrush and the bottle of toothpaste. Reminded herself to text Henry before taking her pill. The medicine always knocked her out sufficiently, and Regina would lie if she claimed that she hadn't been relieved by that once or twice.
She left her sleep compartment with her toothbrush and toothpaste in hand. As she walked down the hallway, she noted that her feet were a bit achy. Of course. She was wearing high heels. She had not been wearing high heels for a long, long time. High heels weren't required in the hospital. But despite the ache, Regina felt a certain joy over wearing high heels again. If she tried, she could pretend that she was back to her old self.
But of course she was not. Her old self was gone. Her old self had died that night on the bedroom floor. Life snuffed out by Killian Jones. Regina was not quite sure who and what she was right now. Was she even anything? Anyone? There were many labels she could attach to herself. 'Victim'. 'Abused woman'. 'Mute'. Yes. The words were bubbles in her throat. They bursted before they could come out. Her destroyed vocal cords would not allow the words to ever come out. This was her fate now. Staying silent forever. Exactly like Killian had commanded her to. Perhaps he had not killed her, but he had still gotten his way. Perhaps he was in prison, but so was she.
Regina shook her head as though to banish the dark thoughts from her head. She was not supposed to think like that. She was not supposed to think about him. She was supposed to be grateful to be alive. And she was. Of course she was. She had been given more time with her son. That was something she would never stop being grateful for. Henry was the most important thing in the world.
There was nobody standing in line when she reached the bathroom door, but Regina could tell that someone was in there. So she hovered back and waited with her toothbrush and toothpaste in hand while the person behind the door did their business.
Regina acknowledged that she felt a little proud of herself. She was here on the train. On her own. She was out amongst people. It did make her feel insecure, but she was doing it. Maybe, perhaps this was the first step. If she could do this, maybe there was other things she could do too. Accompany her son to the cinema. Go to the parent-teacher-conferences Zelena had gone to over the past year. She had done it without complaining, of course. She had done everything and more. Tended to Henry like he was her own, and even though Regina was immensely grateful for all the help she had gotten, she was also slightly envious. SHE was Henry's mother. And she wanted to reclaim her old spot in his life. She wanted to be the mother he knew. She could be that, could she not? Being his mother was not a role she had to play. That was something that would come natural. And Henry did not care that she could not speak. He was just relived that she was awake and alive. Oh, how simple everything was when you were a child. Seeing your mother or father's smile and automatically knowing that everything was going to be alright. Regina thought of her own father. He would have done just that. He would have held her tight. Stroked her hair while whispering soothing words in her ear. He would have assured her that everything was going to be okay. And Regina would have believed him. Because she always had. She had trusted her father blindly. But now it was her turn to be that soothing influence in Henry's life. Now it was her turn to hold him and assure him that everything would be alright. Regina only hoped that he would believe her as easily as she had believed her father.
Regina was pulled out of her thoughts when she heard someone coming down the hallway behind her. Another person with a bathroom-errand. It took everything in Regina not to turn around and check who it was. That was rude. But suppose it was a man? A man standing right behind her. Regina felt her heart speed up, and her palms turned clammy at the idea of a man standing so close behind her whilst waiting to go to the bathroom. The thought made her insides churn. It made her wish that she was wearing her baggiest pair of pants and an oversized hoodie rather than a tight pencil skirt. It did not matter that she rationally knew that nobody on this train was going to hurt her. It did not matter that she deep down knew that her skirt was not and should not be a reason for any man to think anything about her. But Killian had always had so many things to say about her skirt. How it was not his fault that the tightness of the fabric tempted him. Regina had believed him then. She tried not to believe him now. She was allowed to wear a pencil skirt. More than allowed.
"Hey," a familiar voice said behind her, and Regina immediately felt her shoulders uncurl. It was not a man. It was the woman she shared day-cabin with. Thank god. Regina turned around and flashed the blonde woman a little smile. She was wearing sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt. She looked about ready to head to bed. Very cozy. Regina suddenly felt stuffy and stiff in her pencil skirt and crisp blouse. Perhaps she should have changed into a pajamas before heading for the bathroom.
"Not many people in the hallway tonight," the blonde woman observed and shifted slightly.
Regina suffocated a smile and shook her head. That was true. They were the only two people in the hallway.
"We're reaching Winnipeg tomorrow," the blonde woman continued. "Do you think many people are getting off there?"
Again, Regina had to suffocate a smile. Bless this woman for trying to small talk with her. Regina could not remember the last time a stranger had initiated small talk with her. However, it was hard to 'small talk' back. In response, she shrugged and then patted her pockets in an almost defeated manner. She did not have her cellphone with her right now. She had left that in the sleep compartment.
"You didn't bring your phone, did you?" the blonde woman asked, and Regina was surprised and impressed at how perceptive she was. She shook her in defeat.
The blonde woman grimaced and looked genuinely sorry as she said: "I'm sorry. I didn't think of that."
Regina flashed her a little smile and tried to quell her natural concern. This woman seemed far too used to apologize, for whatever reason. She smiled again, determined to assure that she was not upset.
And the message went through. "You don't mind?" the blonde woman guessed.
Regina shook her head eagerly. Exactly! She did not mind. She was merely oddly excited about communicating with someone who was not her sister for once.
"Are you getting off the train in Winnipeg?" the blonde woman asked, small-talking once again.
Regina shook her head. No, she was definitely not getting off any train in Winnipeg. She knew that she could, but she did not wish to. She had already planned on dedicating this train ride to reading.
"Edmonton?" the blonde (what was her name even?) asked curiously.
Regina shook her head, felt a rare twinge of warmth in her chest. She had a theory of what this woman was doing. Asking her yes or no questions. Questions Regina actually had a chance to answer. Of course Regina could not be certain that was what the blonde woman was doing, but she had an inkling.
The blonde woman chuckled. "You're going all the way to Vancouver?"
Regina nodded eagerly and smiled in affirmative.
"Great," the blonde woman said, looking genuinely excited. "Me, too. I'm kinda hoping to get a fresh start over there."
Regina nodded. Felt somber all the sudden. Yes, a fresh start was exactly what she was looking for too. More than anything. A fresh start. A quiet life with her son and her sister nearby.
"You too?" the blonde woman asked and pulled Regina out of her musings about the future. "You're hoping to start over too?"
Regina nodded again. More eagerly than before.
"Well, who knows, maybe we'll end up in the same place," the blonde joked, and Regina saw a glimpse of something youthful in her green eyes. Something hopeful. How old was this woman? Mid-twenties? Oh, to be that again. Oh, to be young and hopeful again. But being bitter would not help anything. Regina was pleased that this young woman had time to achieve whatever she wanted. She flashed the blonde woman a smile. She got a bit a nervous smile in return, and Regina immediately worried if she was smiling too much. Maybe Killian had been right. Maybe she did have an overly inviting smile.
The door to the bathroom was opened, and a younger redhead stepped into the hallway. She looked stressed. Wild-eyed and with red splotches on her pale cheeks. Poor thing. Regina immediately sympathized with her. Whatever she was dealing with, could not be something nice.
"Ugh, I swear to god, I should never have booked this trip!" the redhead said as she looked at Regina who happened to be one most visible in the hallway. "It'll be the death of me! Anyway, do you know where I can find a food trolley? I could kill for a midnight snack."
Regina did not know where the food trolley was, and she tried her best to communicate that by shrugging lightly and hoped that would make the message come across without any problems.
It did not. The redheaded woman only seemed more ticked off. Her mouth twisted. "Hello?" she demanded. "I'm talking to you. Do you know where I can find the food trolley or not?!"
Regina felt her stomach twist and her throat tighten. She could not say anything! Why couldn't people just accept that?! She shook her head three times rapidly and then slinked past the redhead and into the bathroom. The lock clicked reassuringly behind her, and Regina let out a deep sigh of relief. This was better.
"Rude!" she heard the redhead sneered. "Why the hell can't people just answer?!"
"Hey! She can't actually-"
Regina's ears perked up. It did not matter that the blonde woman had cut herself off before finishing the sentence. She had tried to stand up for her. Regina felt that rare tinge of warmth again. Perhaps there was still some good people left in this world.
"What?" the redhead asked demandingly, and even though it was rude, Regina listened to the conversation.
"I think I saw a food trolley in the back wagon," the blonde woman coldly responded to the demand. "You have a bit of a long walk ahead of you."
Regina smiled almost against her will. The last part was added with much venom. Yes, this woman was definitely standing up for her. And although Regina was shaken by the ugly words the redheaded woman had said to her, she still found it quite nice to be defended like that by a stranger.
"And you're welcome!" the blonde woman hollered in the hallway. "Look who's being rude now!"
Now Regina really smiled. She switched on the water so she could brush her teeth and carry on with her night routine.
When she came out of the bathroom again, the blonde woman had not moved much. But she did step aside so Regina could pass her. "Goodnight," she said and flashed Regina a little smile.
Regina offered a small smile in return before going back down the hallway towards her sleeping compart. She was fading quickly now. And her throat had really started to hurt. She needed to take her medicine. And she needed to lie down.
She returned to her own sleep compartment. Slipped off her high heels and wiggled her feet in relief. Then she slipped off her blouse and skirt. Her stockings and bra swiftly went the same way. She folded the items and put them at the bottom of her suitcase. She would not be needing them again. The last thing to go was the scarf tied around her neck. Something cold settled in Regina's chest as she put the scarf down. Now her throat was exposed. Well, almost. Of course there was still that plaster covering the wound. The skin around the plaster was itching terribly, and Regina reached into her suitcase and found that soothing cream she had been given by doctor Auburn. This was the first time she would be applying the cream on her own. So far, Zelena or one of the helpful nurses had helped. Regina was not particularly interested in coming into contact with her throat, but she knew she had to. She needed to learn to do this on her own. So she bit her lip and popped the lid off the bottle of cream. Her shoulders bunched as she got a glop of the cold cream onto the tip of her finger, and she willed herself not to close her eyes as she slowly brought her finger up. She could do this. No. She HAD to do this. Otherwise she would never be able to do anything on her own. A chill ran through her body as she let her finger brush against the skin around the plaster. A little bit puffy. A little bit swollen. And most likely a bit red too. But all of that was to be expected. She was sure everything was fine. Tomorrow night, she would have to change the plaster for the first time on her own. But she could do that too. Of course she could.
When the cold, soothing cream had been spread in the area around the plaster, Regina changed into her pajamas. The checkered bottoms and matching shirt with the high collar that hid her throat and plaster. She couldn't very well wear her scarf to bed.
Regina climbed into bed with three things in hand: 'Murder on the Orient Express', her cellphone and her reading glasses. She perched them on her nose as she quickly wrote a message to Zelena, letting her know that she was about to turn in for the night. It did not even take ten seconds before Zelena texted her back. Relief about Regina checking in radiated off the text, and Regina smiled as she read about what her son and sister had been up to. They'd had pot roast for dinner. And later they had watched 'Alice in Wonderland' whilst eating popcorn. Regina feared that 'eating popcorn' meant that Henry had devoured a whole bowl on his own. He sometimes did that when you turned your back on him. Little rascal. Regina texted back and was relieved to hear that that was not the case. Of course Zelena inquired about how she was feeling, and Regina quickly checked herself. How was she feeling? Physically, her throat hurt a bit. But she was about to take a painkiller, so... and mentally? Well... She wasn't exactly bursting with happiness, but she wasn't feeling terrible either. That was something. The way that blonde woman had openly defended her earlier popped into Regina's mind, and she was just about to text Zelena and tell her about it. But then she decided not to. It was a bit silly. So she settled for the good old 'fine'. And that was not a lie. She DID feel fine. Really, she did.
She concluded her conversation with Zelena, muted her phone, plugged it into the charger and then found her bottle of painkillers and a bottle of water in her suitcase. She quickly downed the pill with lots of water and willed herself not to gag. Of course she could swallow. She was more than capable of swallowing. Of course her throat was not going to close up on her. She was fine.
With that taken care of, she could finally settle in bed with a pillow behind her back, reading glasses perched on her nose and her book splayed open in her lap. Hercule Poirot was in the middle of conducting his many interviews after the gruesome discovery in the train. Packing this book had been Zelena's idea. She had found it to be hilarious, and Regina too could appreciate the sentiment behind it. Reading 'Murder on the Orient Express' whilst traveling by train WAS amusing.
But she did not get to read more than three full chapters before the effect of the painkiller kicked in and she started to feel exceptionally tired. She put the book down. Slipped a bookmark in between the pages and then took off her reading glasses. It was bed time...
The next morning did not start out that well. Regina woke with an achy, sore throat. The wound hurt, but she suspected it was due to an unfortunate sleeping position and nothing else. When she examined the area around the plaster, she could not detect any 'foul play'. No excessive swelling or oozing. She had just slept awkwardly. Regina took one of those 'emergency' pain killers that had the same effect but was a bit milder. It didn't make her as drowsy.
She got out of bed. It was still fairly early (Regina had always been an early riser) and opened her suitcase. Found a bottle green blouse. She first reached for another pencil skirt, but then she remembered her anxiety yesterday when she was standing in line for the bathroom. Deep down, she knew that it did not matter whether she wore a skirt or not, but why expose herself to more anxiety than what was strictly necessary? She let go of the pencil skirt and grabbed a pair of cream colored slacks instead. She also found a scarf in the same cream color, and thought to herself that it had to be fate. Today was definitely a slacks-kind of day.
Regina went into the hallway, fully dressed but armed with her toothbrush and hairbrush. The hallway was quite empty, and she could slip into the bathroom with no hindering.
Brushing her teeth always did make her feel a little better no matter what. But due to the pain, her head felt a little heavy. Regina knew that it would be at least five minutes before the effect of the mild painkiller kicked in, and she decided not to expose herself to the dining area on this particular morning. She did not have the energy. So when she came back to her sleep compartment, she grabbed one of those little notes the train clerks had left. You could cross off whether you'd be dining in the dining area or wished to eat in private in your cabin. Regina chose the second option and ventured into the hallway where it did not take long before a train clerk found her. Or perhaps she found him. But either way, she handed him the little note and flashed him a smile.
He glanced briefly at the note before looking back at her. He returned the smile. "As you wish, Madam. I'll be serving your breakfast in your train cabin."
Regina smiled gratefully and felt slightly amused. 'Madam'. She had not been called that before.
Armed with her book, she went to her shared cabin. The blonde woman was not yet here. Perhaps she was sleeping in. Regina nodded to herself. That was good. The blonde woman had looked quite exhausted last night. Like she could benefit from a good night's sleep.
Regina leaned back in her seat and glanced out of the window. It was a beautiful morning. She was glad she had woken up so early. The sight of the mountains rolling by as the sun slowly rose, was not something she would have missed for the world.
She was served her breakfast. Fluffy pancakes with maple syrup. Soft food. And a cup of tea. Exactly what Regina had requested. She felt almost childishly excited about the breakfast. It had been so long since she last had pancakes. She had not been allowed to. Not at the hospital. Or at home. Killian had not wanted her to gain weight. And Regina had avoided eating pancakes. That was easier.
Now she dug into the first pancake with vigor. She chewed and swallowed and was even capable of ignoring the way her throat ached when she swallowed. The pancakes almost melted on her tongue, and the almond syrup trickled down her throat without any hindering. It tasted exceptionally good, and Regina noted that she did not feel guilty for eating this. She knew that she was more than allowed to indulge in this kind of food. Nobody could tell her what she could and could not eat.
Regina flushed another bite of pancake down with a mouthful of warm tea, and after a moment she opened her book once more. Breakfast and a good book. Sometimes it truly was the little things in life. Perhaps this was something she could do every Sunday. Get up early and make pancakes for Henry. Her little prince. Regina wondered what he was doing this morning. He was probably still in bed. It was Saturday after all. Regina knew that Zelena had planned an outing today. To the zoo. That sounded nice. But she did hope that Zelena would remember that Henry needed to do his homework before anything else. Regina wrinkled her nose. That was definitely the professor in her speaking. The career-driven woman. She stilled with the fork halfway up to her mouth as she thought about her old job. She missed it. She missed working at the faculty. She missed her colleagues and her students. She missed teaching. Missed doing what she loved. But she could not come back to the university. She could not be a professor when she did not have a voice. How was she supposed to teach? It was simply impossible. Regina wondered what her old colleagues were saying about her. Of course they had heard about the tragic 'car crash' that cost her her voice and almost her life. Were they pitying her? Regina's hand shook a little as she brought the fork up to her mouth and ate the piece of pancake. She did not need their pity. She did not need anybody's pity. She would just... find something else to do with her life. Yes. Something else.
But what? The pessimistic little voice in the back of her mind asked. What job could she possibly get? Who would want to hire a mute woman who was afraid of the world?
Nobody.
Regina continued to eat although the pancakes did not taste quite as good any longer. She knew she had to eat. Put on weight and all that. It was important for her health, her doctor had told her. And since she could not work, she could at least strive to get better physically...
Regina felt quite proud of herself as she looked down at the empty plate in front of her. She had eaten all of it. Doctor Auburn would be proud of her too. It was nice finally eating solid food after only eating yoghurt and what not in the hospital.
Regina had just lifted the teacup when the door to the train cabin was opened. The friendly blonde woman stepped in. She looked a bit more awake and alert now, so maybe she had gotten some sleep last night. That was good.
"Good morning," the blonde woman greeted and flashed Regina a smile.
Regina returned the smile and bowed her head lightly to acknowledge the woman's greeting. That was the only thing she could do.
The blonde woman sat down on the seat opposite Regina. She flicked her blonde ponytail back over her shoulder. Leaned forward slightly as she said: "I slept like a baby last night. Did you sleep alright?"
As friendly and chatty this morning as she had been last night. Regina wasn't quite sure why, but she had almost expected the blonde woman to be less forthcoming this morning. She nodded but felt a twinge of sadness over her inability to answer in words. She would have liked that. She enjoyed the way this woman was communicating with her, and she feared that she would grow tired of her because she could not answer. That would only be natural, would it not? Why waste time in conversing with someone who could not say anything? Regina sought solace in her purse where she roamed to find her book. She would not give the impression that the blonde woman was forced to talk to her just because they shared a train cabin.
"Hey," the blonde woman said a bit suddenly.
Regina looked up with one hand still thrusted inside her purse.
"Maybe I'm being stupid, but I can't help thinking about that woman we met by the bathroom last night," the blonde woman continued.
Regina raised an eyebrow as she pulled her book out of her purse. How odd. She had found herself mulling over that encounter too.
"I just saw her nearly throttle past a poor woman she was walking past, and it sure seems like she's rude to everybody, but she wasn't..." a slight pause. "Well, she wasn't very nice to you last night, and I just wanted to make sure you're okay," the blonde woman rambled. Her pale cheeks stained pink and she flicked a lock of hair behind her ear again. "That's all. And I'm sorry if I'm prying or..." a breath. "Well, I'm not trying to stick my nose in your business or anything."
Regina felt herself smiling. Warmly and genuinely. That was really nice. This woman had not needed to check in with her, but she had done so anyway. That was very thoughtful of her. This kind of gesture required more than just a smile and a nod. Regina found her phone in her purse and started to write a message. 'It's very kind of you to worry about me, but I'm fine. I'm used to getting a few comments here and there. It's unavoidable when you can't answer people's questions. Sometimes people take offense instead of thinking about that there could be a reason why someone doesn't answer them.' But this time she did not send it to anyone. Instead she turned the screen towards the blonde when she was done writing.
The blonde woman eagerly leaned forward and read the message. Then she frowned slightly. Nodded. "Yeah, you're right about that. But that still doesn't give her the right to be so rude."
Regina wrote another message. 'I suppose it's partially my own fault. I can whisper a little, but it tends to be very painful to do so. So I try to avoid using my voice.' Most certainly. Her throat cramped as she turned the screen towards the blonde woman.
"I can understand that," the blonde woman said and smiled softly. Then she went quiet and gave Regina a rather thoughtful look.
Regina tilted her head and wondered what the blonde woman was thinking about.
"Tell you what," the blonde woman said, voice almost brisk now. "Since we're gonna be travelling buddies all the way to Vancouver, wouldn't it be nice to know each other's names?"
Regina raised an eyebrow and suffocated a smile. Travelling buddies. She had never heard that expression before. Yes, this woman had to be in her twenties.
"I'm Emma," the blonde woman announced. "Emma Swan."
Truthfully, Regina had expected something else. She wasn't quite sure what, but she had. This woman's fairytale-esque name was a pleasant surprise indeed. Emma Swan. What a delightful, quirky name. She smiled as she took her phone, tapping in the name she could no longer tell anyone was hers. 'Regina Mills'. She refused to let the sadness over being unable to say her own name overwhelm her as she turned the screen towards Emma Swan.
"Regina Mills," Emma Swan read aloud, green eyes flickering up to meet Regina's.
Regina smiled.
"Nice to meet you, Regina," Emma said and returned the smile.
Regina only used five seconds on typing before turning the phone screen towards Emma once more. 'Nice to meet you too, Emma Swan'.
To Be Continued...