There were many passengers who got off the train in Winnipeg. Many children were running around in the hallway outside the train cabin Regina shared with Emma Swan. Regina however, had no interest in getting off the train. She had finished 'Murder on the Orient Express' and had traded Agatha Christie for D.H. Lawrence and 'Lady Chatterley's Lover'. She was not a professor in literature for nothing. And she had always enjoyed D.H. Lawrence's works. And just classics in general She had read 'Pride and Prejudice' for the first time when she was eleven, and it had not taken her long to start dreaming of her own Mr. Darcy. When she had gotten a bit older and her eyes had been opened to other options, she had started dreaming of meeting her own Elizabeth Bennett.
Today she was dreaming of neither. Today she knew that if she was to enjoy romance again, she would do it through books. Read about how people got their happy endings. Because in books everything always worked out the way it was supposed to. In books, the heroine did not end up badly beaten and voiceless at the hands of the man who was supposed to be prince Charming. The real world was far more gruesome, Regina knew that. In the real world, things did not always work out like they were supposed to. Sometimes people got hurt. Badly.
A shiver ran down her spine. She swiftly turned another page in the book. She really did not want to think about that right now. She wished that she could stop thinking about her ex-fiancé all together. Had there existed a potion that erased your memories, Regina would have drunken it in a heartbeat. And been happy about it. Forgetting about Killian Jones would truly have been a blessing.
But there didn't exist such a potion. Regina was forced to live with her memories of the man who had hurt her. Regina's shoulders bunched. Did she not just tell herself to stop thinking about it? So why was she still thinking about it? She really had to stop it. She was in the middle of reading, she reminded herself. All she had to do was concentrating on the words on the page. She could do that, could she not?
Tap-tap-tap. Emma Swan was writing rather enthusiastically on her laptop. Regina briefly looked up and saw a flash of something new in Emma Swan's green eyes. Unbridled joy. She looked thrilled about whatever she was writing on the laptop, and Regina thought to herself that it was rare seeing such passion these days. Most people were frowning when they were typing away on their computers, but Emma Swan was not. She looked extremely happy, and Regina could see that she was in fact miming the words she was writing. Regina smiled and averted her eyes. What Emma Swan was writing was not her business. She turned her attention back to the book in her lap and tried to immerse herself in the story of Lady Chatterley and her lover. And she was delighted to discover that she was succeeding. Her passion for reading was most certainly coming back. What a relief. Regina was not sure she could have taken another day where she just sat and stared at the wall. Now more than ever, Regina needed books in her life. She needed the luxury of disappearing into a captivating story. She had always sought comfort in books. Books had helped her shocked and distraught eighteen year old self through the weeks after her mother's sudden death in the car crash. Books had comforted her when she and Mal had broken up (the first time). Books had been her way to unwind when she found out that she was pregnant with Henry. After her father died unexpectedly of a heart attack, Regina had not been able to read for several weeks. She was too shocked. She had not even been able to cry. She had just stared at a point at the wall until her stomach started hurting terribly and Zelena had called an ambulance because she was afraid that Regina would end up miscarrying because of the shock.
But then one night, Henry had cried and cried and cried (Regina later was convinced that the baby was mourning the grandfather he never got to meet) and out of pure frustration of not being able to do anything that soothed her child, she had started reading 'The Little Prince" aloud to him. Henry had stopped crying. And Regina had started to. The book had broken a dam inside her, and even though the flood of tears could have washed all of them away, they did not. Instead the tears had been cleansing and renewing in some sense. And instead of being washed away in her grief, Regina had clung on to the book and her new baby. And she had decided that she would not let this break her. Her father would not have wanted that. She was going to continue. For her new child's sake. There was no giving up when you were a mother.
Regina had always considered herself a survivor. A 'badass' or an 'ice queen' as one or two of her former students had called her. She always managed to stay afloat no matter what life threw at her. She had survived loosing both of her parents under tragic circumstances. She had managed a full time job and a baby. Without going insane. Yes, Regina knew that she possessed a great deal of strength. She knew it took a lot to rock her world.
But now she just felt tired. Burned out. Completely exhausted and with absolutely no willpower what so ever. Not in a suicidal way, of course. No, Regina would never even as much as THINK about ending things by her own hand again. There was no giving up when you were a mother. But it felt like all the strength she usually possessed was completely gone. There wasn't anything left. The exhaustion sat in her bones and mind like a deathly bacteria just eating away at her.
Regina slowly rolled her head from side to side a few times, careful not to pull at the stiches, but trying to loosen the tight muscles in the back of her neck. She was getting a combination of two different kinds of headaches. One of them was a tension headache that radiated from the place in her shoulders where the muscles were all tight. And the other one radiated from the usual spot on her forehead. Having your head slammed repeatedly into a hard wall gives you a headache now and again. Regina turned a page in her book and wondered if she should take an aspirin just to nip it in the bud. But she quickly decided to wait for a few hours and see how she felt then. She was deathly afraid of becoming addicted to medicine. Henry had seen her in the hospital when she was all dozed up on medicine with wild, unfocused eyes, unkempt and flailing hands. She never wanted her son to see her like that again.
And she was afraid of turning into someone who had to take a painkiller or two in order to cope with both physical and emotional pain. She was still skittish about taking the painkillers to soothe the pains in her throat, but both Doctor Auburn and Zelena had repeatedly told her how crucial it was for her recovery that she was taking her medicine. So Regina would continue with her painkillers. For the throat. But when it came to her headache, she refused to resolve to medicine. She probably just hadn't had enough water today.
That was when she heard Emma Swan chuckle in the seat across her.
Regina looked up from the book she wasn't quite reading and lifted her eyebrow, wondering what was amusing Emma Swan. Not that she minded. Of course not. If the concerned blonde was amused over something, Regina was only happy for her. And slightly curious too.
"Sorry," Emma said and sounded almost a bit sheepish. "I didn't mean to disturb you."
Regina shrugged lightly and smiled. Hoped to indicate that Emma Swan was not disturbing her.
The silent message went through loud and clear. "I'm not disturbing you?" Emma Swan guessed.
Regina shook her head, still smiling.
"Good," Emma said, leaning forward slightly as she returned the smile. Regina saw how she glanced at the book in her lap and then asked: "you're into classics?" while nodding towards the book in Regina's lap.
Regina nodded eagerly and did her best to squash the sharp pinch of sadness she felt. God, was she ever into classics! There had been days where she could talk about books for hours and hours. And now she could not anymore. Never again would she be able to talk about her love for books. With anyone. She pushed the sadness aside and found her phone in her pocket. If she could not talk about books any longer, she could at least give a more fulfilling answer than a simple nod. 'Yes,' she tapped on the screen. 'I've always enjoyed classics.' She turned the screen so that Emma Swan could read.
And Emma did. She eagerly leaned forward. Regina saw her lips move and silently form the words as she read them, and then she straightened her posture and smiled at Regina. "Me, too," she said. "Do you have a favorite?"
Regina felt something similar to excitement as she turned the screen away and began tapping once more. Truthfully, she had many, many books she could mention. Many, many possibilities she could claim as being her favorite classic ever. But the very first thing coming to mind when she thought of her love for classic literature had to be the novel her mother had introduced her to when she was fifteen and not as much a reader as she was now. Cora had more or less thrusted the book into her hand and demanded that Regina read it. And so Regina had. And she had absolutely loved every sentence in it. 'I think my favorite has to be 'Jane Eyre'.' Then she turned the screen towards Emma.
"That's a good one," Emma said and nodded. "It's a very powerful story."
Regina found herself nodding eagerly. Yes, exactly! Powerful was exactly the word she would have used to describe 'Jane Eyre'. She was starting to get an inkling that Emma Swan liked books as much as she did. And Regina also found herself wanting to ask Emma Swan more questions about HER favorite books, but then she remembered that Emma was writing something on her laptop. She did not have time for socializing. Regina wrote a new message on her phone. 'But I think I'm bothering your writing.' Then she turned the phone towards Emma with a half-apologetic smile.
"You're not," Emma Swan said quickly after having glanced at the screen. "In fact..." she did not finish the sentence. Instead she just started to rummage after something in her bag.
Regina tilted her head curiously. What was Emma Swan doing? What was she searching for?
She soon found out when Emma presented her with a solid stack of sticky notes and two pencils. "I thought that maybe this could make it a bit easier," Emma said. "Y'know... Instead of you having to type on your phone all the time."
Regina found herself smiling beamingly in return. What a thoughtful gesture. Emma pushed the stacks of post-its towards her along with the pencil, and Regina quickly grabbed the pencil and scrawled on the note: 'That was very kind of you, and you're right, it does make things a bit easier. But I don't want to bother you.' Again, she most definitely did not want Emma Swan to feel as though she HAD to talk to her. Regina did not want to be a burden to anyone.
"You're not," Emma said firmly. "Seriously, you're not. I enjoy talk-" she abruptly stopped talking, pearly white teeth clamping down on her bottom lip, and for a moment Regina did not understand what had caused this disruption. But then she realized that miss Swan most likely thought Regina did not appreciate what she almost had said. 'Talk'. 'I enjoy TALKING to you'.
Well. On her bad days, Regina could most certainly have been upset over that choice of word, but today it did not bother her as much. But still, she wanted to make sure Emma knew that she was not offended or anything. So she flashed the blonde a little smile before bowing her head and writing on the sticky note: '...Communicating with me?' then she pushed the note across the table and towards Emma Swan.
"Yeah," Emma nodded, cheeks stained slightly red as though she was embarrassed. "Exactly."
Laughing. That was something Regina could no longer do. But that did not stop her from trying, though. Soundless amusement bubbled in her throat, and her shoulders shook exactly like they would if she had been chuckling with sound. She so wished she had been able to laugh with sound, but alas she could not.
Regina willed herself not to be bitter. What good would that do in her current situation? She was alive. That was the only thing that mattered. Her existence had not been wiped from this earth, and she was privileged enough to still be around to watch Henry grow up. Nothing else mattered. A muted life was a small price to pay for being able to look upon her beloved son every single day.
Emma Swan went back to tapping on her laptop, and Regina turned her attention back to the book in her lap. She noted that the letters were swimming slightly before her eyes. Her headache seemed to be getting worse. Or perhaps she should go back to her sleep compartment and retrieve her reading glasses. But the thing was... Regina was sitting really comfortably right now. She had no real desire to move until she absolutely had to. Stillness had become a very solid part of her day. First because she was too weak and wounded to move. Then because she was too heavily sedated to be able to walk around. And now because she was too scared to be a part of the outside world. She would have to work on that when she got home to Vancouver. Work on finding her place in the world. And work on being less still. Perhaps she would even start exercising again. Doing yoga like she had since she was eighteen. Like with reading, yoga had brought her lots of comfort over the years. Perhaps it was time to start that routine again.
"Are you from Toronto?"
Regina looked up at the slightly abrupt question. But she was merely pleasantly surprised. She had thought that Emma was busy writing. Regina grabbed a new sticky note and scribbled her answer on it. 'No, I'm actually from Montreal." Then she pushed the note across the table towards Emma Swan.
"Oh, okay," Emma said. She tapped a few buttons on her laptop and then had a new question: "have you ever been to Vancouver before then?"
Regina nodded, scribbled on the sticky note: 'yes, many times', before sliding the note over to Emma.
"Nice," Emma said as she glanced at the note. "Any chance you can recommend me a cheap hotel or inn or something?"
Regina raised an eyebrow, puzzled. Was Emma on her way to Vancouver without having booked a room in advantage? Was she coming completely unprepared, without a plan? Regina was not so sure she could have done that. It seemed quite... chaotic.
Emma Swan blushed a bit and rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly. "Yeah, I was sort of... in a hurry to get out of the door, and I didn't really research before I left."
Regina forced herself to nod slightly as she grabbed a new post-it and started scribbling. But really, she was a bit concerned. 'In a hurry to get out of the door'. It sounded alarming. Regina did not know the exact circumstances behind Emma Swan's departure from her destination, but she recognized a person running away. When she was done writing, she looked at the message she had just scribbled down. 'Do you have any preferences?'. Then she pushed the note towards Emma.
"Hmm," Emma said after having glanced at the note. "I've sort of been through a pretty tough time, and I'm not in the mood for lots of people, so somewhere quie-" she cleared her throat awkwardly. "Somewhere quiet and peaceful."
Was this young woman her reflection, Regina thought to herself. Emma Swan was saying exactly what Regina felt. She too was looking for peace and quiet. This strengthened her theory. That Emma Swan most certainly was running away from something. Regina pulled herself together and quickly scribbled a new message for Emma. 'Well, if you're looking for a peaceful place to stay, I can recommend Eugenia's Diner in Steveston.' She handed the message to Emma.
"Steveston?" Emma asked and raised an eyebrow. "Where's that exactly?"
Regina eagerly tore off another message and scribbled just as eagerly. 'It's a small town just 12, 2 miles away from Vancouver. It only takes a little over a half an hour to get there. It's this little fisher village. I rather think you'd like it there'. She could think of no better place than Steveston. That beautiful little fisher village. Regina had spent so many summers there over the years. First alone and then with Henry. He too had loved the little town. He had loved coming to Eugenia's Inn for her famous burgers. Regina felt slightly guilty upon remembering how long it had been since they last went there. Perhaps she should change that to.
"Steveston," Emma interrupted her train of thoughts. Regina looked up just in time to see her smile. "I'll remember that."
Regina immediately took the opportunity to write another message on a new post-it. 'If you'd like, I could give you Eugenia's number and you could call her in advantage? I don't think there'll be any problems regarding showing up and booking a room, but she likes it better when people call in advantage.' She only thought about how eager she seemed after having slid the message across the table to Emma. Everything in her wanted to help Emma Swan. She looked so lost as she sat huddled there in the train seat with her too long legs folded awkwardly under her. Almost child-like in a sense. She had a particular look in her eyes. One that Regina partially recognized.
"That would be awesome!" Emma exclaimed, face splitting in an easy grin. "Seriously, you would literally save my life!"
Regina quickly scribbled down the phone number and advice: 'she answers the phone between 09:00 and 13:00'. Then she pushed the note across the table.
"Thank you," Emma smiled beamingly. "Thank you so much! I'll call her first thing tomorrow and book a room."
Regina settled for returning the smile and vowed to keep her fingers crossed that Eugenia would have a room for Emma.
"So, are you going on vacation in Vancouver?" Emma asked. Now she was small talking again.
Regina shook her head as a reply. It didn't seem worth it to waste paper on the word 'no'.
"You're gonna live there?" Emma guessed.
Regina nodded this time, and as she did so, she felt how her shoulders crawled up towards her ears. She was becoming guarded. Again.
"Well, I'm just running away from all the people in Toronto," Emma said easily and even chuckled a little. "Place's too crowded for me."
Regina raised an eyebrow. Definitely a story there. But if Emma preferred joking with it, then so be it. Regina was not gonna stop her.
"I'm looking forward to seeing that little fisher community," Emma continued and patted her pocket in which she had just placed the note with the number to Eugenia's Inn.
Regina smiled and nodded slightly. Yes, visiting Steveston was most certainly something to look forward to. It was a beautiful little place. A hidden gem.
"Do you come to Steveston often?" Emma asked and tilted her head slightly.
For some reason, Regina found the gesture to be slightly endearing, and she felt that silent laughter bubble in her chest as she grabbed a new post-it note and wrote: 'Yes, sometimes I do. I've known Eugenia for a while, and she probably would be disappointed if I didn't stop by sometimes.' And so would Henry. He had talked a lot about Steveston. Regina had the impression that he wished for them to go away together, just the two of them, but her fragile psyche could not handle that right now. She needed to be with her sister. She forced the concerned thoughts out of her mind as she handed Emma the note.
"Great," Emma said and chuckled as soon as she had read the message. "Then maybe I could buy you a cup of coffee sometimes? To say thank you for giving me Eugenia's number."
Coffee. Coffee with a friend. Regina could not remember the last time she had gone out to have coffee with a friend. Killian had not allowed her to have any social life. If she wanted to have coffee, she could damn well have it in their kitchen, he had sneered. He had been bold enough to call it 'their' kitchen even though the house technically belonged to Regina.
Regina bit the inside of her cheek slightly. She did want to have coffee with Emma Swan sometimes. In fact she wanted it a lot. It had been so long since she had been given the opportunity to meet a new friend. She nodded briefly, scribbled another message. 'Coffee sounds nice', and in one swift movement, she handed the message to Emma.
Emma smiled in response, but then frowned slightly. "I'm sorry. You must think I'm talking way too much."
No. Absolutely not. Regina had not thought that at all. She rather liked it when Emma spoke, and she was saddened by the look on her face. Emma should not be apologizing for talking. Ever. Regina had done exactly the same when Kilian every so often had ordered her to 'shut up, damnit!'. Regina acknowledged that she was having quite a few flashbacks right now and decided that it was time to lighten the mood. She swiftly grabbed a new note and wrote exactly what she was thinking: 'No, I don't. I find it very nice. It's been a while since I've had anyone to communicate with, and I can't exactly talk to myself.' She gave Emma the note and leaned back in her seat.
Emma read the note. Then looked up. Her jaw was hanging open, and her green eyes seemed to have widened quite a lot. Regina almost grew concerned, and she quickly grinned at the blonde to assure her that it was just a bit of dark humor on her part.
It did the trick. Emma shook her head and laughed slightly. "Right then. I'm glad I'm not bothering you."
Regina quickly wrote another note. 'You're not bothering me, Emma. Not at all.'
Emma Swan smiled. Genuinely and big. The sight brought momentary warmth to the permanent block of ice that resided in Regina's stomach. She was glad that they were sharing a train-cabin all the way to Vancouver. Traveling was still a jarring experience for Regina, but sharing a train-cabin with Emma Swan made it feel less jarring. She felt like... Like she was among friends. Yes. Emma Swan could become her friend someday. In the future. If they stayed in contact, of course.
Around lunch time, Regina choose to remain seated. She preferred enjoying her lunch here rather than in the dining area. A bit too many people. She had her lunch served by a helpful train-clerk, and she smiled at him before turning her attention back to her book.
Emma Swan left for the dining area, though.
Regina dug into the ham and cheese sandwich she had been served Perhaps it was not the best sandwich in the world (her own turkey sandwich beat it by miles) but it was like a royal feast for someone who had been on liquid diet for such a long time.
Her throat, however, did not fully share her enthusiasm. After having swallowed the last bite, Regina had to surrender and find the bottle of pills in her purse. The muscles were cramping yet again. She hastily placed the pill on her tongue and reached for her bottle of water, eyes squeezing shut in anticipation over the pain that undoubtedly would flare up when she swallowed. And it did indeed hurt to swallow. The muscles tightened and cramped and made her feel like she was choking, but then she reminded herself that she had taken a lot worse pain than this. She could live with the cramping muscles.
As she slipped the bottle of pills back in her purse, Emma came back to the train-cabin, huffing slightly and looking a bit annoyed. Regina thought that her green eyes lingered a moment on the bottle of pills disappearing into the purse, but she was not certain.
Regina flashed Emma a smile when she sat down. She did not want her to be worried about her.
"Well, the dining area was full of screaming kids. Again," Emma announced as she crossed her legs once more.
Regina felt very amused by this. Humorous enough to write on a note: 'no kidding?' before pushing it across the table.
Emma laughed at the rhetorical question on the note. "You know what I think?"
Regina shook her head and raised an eyebrow. No, she did not know what Emma Swan thought. But she was most curious to find out.
"I think we're part of an experiment," Emma continued, lowering her voice and made Regina feel as though they were in on this together. "I think every kid on board on this train has been dozed up on sugar, and the producers are waiting for someone to finally snap."
Regina felt her smile widening at that, and she could not resist writing another note and joke a bit more. 'That's an interesting theory, miss Swan. And I wouldn't be surprised if it was true.' It had been a long time since she joked too.
Emma smiled after having read the note. And Regina sensed that there was not much more to write right now. She tipped her head back and closed her eyes for a moment..
Regina had assumed that Emma would be writing the whole day, she had looked so immersed in it, but to her surprise, she had closed her laptop and almost shyly inquired if she could maybe borrow a book.
Of course she could. Regina had immediately opened her purse and delighted upon seeing Emma's reaction to the small 'library' she kept in her purse. Emma had ended up choosing 'A Study in Scarlet'. Regina had silently applauded that choice. Emma Swan knew her books.
Regina had been meaning to do something about her own reading too, but the headache was getting stronger. At a certain point where Emma had been thoroughly immersed in the book, Regina had discreetly reached within her bag and taken half a painkiller. Just to take the edge of things. She was not abusing her medicine. She was just soothing her symptoms.
Then she leaned back and rested her eyes. The gentle sway of the train moving had soon soothed her to sleep, and for once she had not dreamed of anything terrible. Her dreams did not make sense but were full of colors. Bright, beautiful colors. She did not mean to fall asleep before dinner. That was a habit she was trying to change too. Falling asleep at any given moment. But she was still so tired. So weak.
Then her dreams were disrupted by the sound of children running past the door to their train-cabin. Regina woke with a start and straightened her posture. When she looked up, Emma Swan was looking at her. Briefly. She still had a book in her lap. "Damn kids," she said softly.
Regina nodded and ran her fingers through her hair. Straightened her posture again. Then adjusted the scarf around her neck. Her fingers brushed against the bandage underneath the scarf, and her hand trembled slightly. Soon she would have to change the bandage and be confronted with the marks underneath the pristine, white bandage.
Emma Swan looked at her and smiled.
Regina returned the smile, but with less sincerity than before. Thinking about the bandage made her stomach churn slightly.
"I'm starving, aren't you?" Emma asked casually. Her legs were still folded ridiculously under her.
Regina nodded three times rapidly when suddenly realizing how hungry she really was.
"Do you want to sit together in the dining room?" Emma asked her and sounded almost hopeful. "Sitting alone is just so... Lonely."
Regina hesitated for a moment. Pursed her lips and frowned softly. The thought of changing the bandage was still roaming freely in her mind. It was difficult to think of anything else, but she reminded herself that Emma was waiting for an answer. So she nodded again. Slowly, this time.
"Great," Emma said and flashed her another smile. But a bit of a different one. She looked slightly sad, and Regina wondered why that was. And she immediately worried if she had come across as rude or disinterested. That was not the case at all. She was just worried about being confronted with her throat. But that was of course not something she could tell Emma Swan.
"I hope there's chicken for dinner," Emma said lightly. "Do you like chicken too?"
Regina nodded again. This time with more vigor. And she even felt a smile spread on her lips. Emma Swan had a certain way of making her think about something else...
To Be Continued...