Coming upstairs, Regina leaned heavily against the door for a moment as she tried to gather her thoughts.
She did not succeed.
Suddenly, she felt so uncomfortable and had this acute need to take a shower. Get clean. She felt dirty.
But that was not Emma Swan's fault. Not even in the slightest.
It was Killian Jones' fault.
But Regina was to blame too. She was the one who had invited him in. She was the one who had started thinking about him when she should not have. What business did she even have thinking about Killian Jones when Emma Swan was kissing her? And why hadn't she been able to appreciate Emma's kiss? It had been a good kiss.
No. It had been an absolutely perfect kiss. The kind of kiss that once upon a time would have made Regina feel like the luckiest person in the world.
But that was then. And this was now. And the situation right now was that Regina had ruined something wonderful because she had flinched. Because she had been reminded of the last time a pair of lips touched hers.
She brought her fingers up to her lips. Her bottom lip had been swollen for weeks. The cut bursting open every time she opened her mouth to eat. She had looked like something out of a horror movie with her swollen lip and battered face. Henry had paled the first time he saw her after she woke up from the coma. Regina did not blame him. She had looked absolutely grotesque. One eye nearly swollen shut. A shattered cheekbone. Bruises everywhere. Concussion. Broken ribs. A tender abdomen. And two broken fingers.
Grotesque. But alive.
Once the dark clouds had lifted a little, Regina had become grateful for that. Being alive. As long as she could be around to be Henry's mother, she would be satisfied. But then she had dared hoping for more. A second chance. Another shot at finding happiness with someone who was actually motivated by her joy and not fear. And she had found someone. For one glorious moment, Regina had actually thought that she and Emma could have become something more to one another one day.
Until she had ruined it all.
Until she had started remembering.
Regina felt stupid now. What had she expected? That Emma would not kiss her ever? Kissing was a perfectly normal part of dating. The part both parties were supposed to look forward to.
What kind of date was she when the thought of kissing a potential partner felt her with dread instead of joy? Regina rubbed a hand over her eyes. She had been fooling herself all along. She did not have anything to offer Emma Swan. Nothing whatsoever. Believing so had been naïve. Terribly naïve.
Was she giving Emma false hope? Should she break things off now and spare both of them the heartache?
Perhaps it would be for the best.
But deep down, Regina did not want to break things off. She liked Emma. She liked her a lot. The thought of breaking things off with her filled her mouth with a sour taste.
Maybe she could explain things to Emma.
Without actually explaining things to her.
Maybe she could say (or not say) that she had been in a bad relationship and needed to take things slow.
Emma would understand that.
And it wouldn't be that far from the truth either.
Regina sighed as she walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge of it. She was being terribly selfish, she knew that. She knew that she should let go of Emma instead of holding on to her just because she had a fickle hope that she one day might enjoy her kisses. It was not fair to Emma. She deserved better than this. She deserved to be with someone who was capable of enjoying to be kissed and kissing back in return.
Regina was not capable of either. She rubbed her forehead. Reached behind her back to grab onto the zipper. What other choice did she have? None. If she told Emma the truth about her missing voice and everything else that had happened to her, Emma would back out. And rightfully so. Anyone would. It was much too early for that kind of confessions. They weren't even in a relationship.
And they never would be.
It did not matter how much she liked Emma Swan. She had to end things with her now before she grew to like her even more. Before both of them started dreaming about things that would never be. Emma wanted things. Things that Regina was not ready to give her. Things that she perhaps NEVER would be ready to give her. A fickle hope and a 'maybe' wasn't good enough when you were dating someone. That would be to give Emma false hope. To string her along.
And Regina refused to be that kind of person.
Meaning that she only had one choice.
To break things off with Emma. To stop dating her as soon as possible. It would hurt, but it would be for the best. For both of them.
Perhaps they could continue to be friends still. Regina hoped so. A friend was what she originally had hoped for, and she should be satisfied with that.
But she wasn't.
Not entirely.
God, she had so wanted this.
She still wanted this.
But she couldn't have it because the thought of kissing made her think about that horrible night where she fought for her life. The night where Killian in many ways killed her but at the same left just enough of her to live. He had killed a part of her. Broken her. And no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't just put herself back together. There was always a tiny little piece that slipped away between her fingers.
Exactly like what she and Emma could have had was slipping away.
Something that could have been so beautiful had been ruined because Regina's thoughts were too loud.
Because she could not forget.
She was letting Killian ruin it, but she couldn't help it. Because she couldn't remember a time where he hadn't ruined something for her. Where he hadn't taken something from her. Where he hadn't influenced every single decision she might have made.
Regina felt ashamed of herself. For being unable to do this. For still letting Killian decide what she could and could not do. He was always there. Lurking in the shadows. She could see him out of the corner of her eye.
Grinning at her.
Always grinning at her.
Her stomach cramped.
Her throat tightened.
Her phone made a sound. Someone had sent her a message. Regina briefly glanced at the screen. It was from Emma Swan. Something about having a good time tonight. But Regina was not in a position to answer the message right now. It had to wait.
She swallowed thickly. Licked her lips. Then she pulled herself together. Decided that she had spent enough time in her own head. There was nothing she could do about the current situation anyway. She just had to accept things. That she, because of her fragile state was no match for Emma Swan. She deserved someone who could give her the full experience of dating, and Regina could not. Meaning that she had to end things with Emma. It was the right thing to do.
Regina stood from the edge of the bed and walked over the closet. Reached within it and found her sweatpants and oversize t-shirt and a fresh pair of underwear. Then she left her room and quietly walked down the hallway. She could hear Zelena snore from the living room, and she felt relieved that her older sister was still asleep. She wasn't really in the mood to talk about the date. She was still too upset at the outcome. At how she had reacted to something that should have been wonderful and absolutely nothing else.
This was all her fault. Emma couldn't be blamed for it.
In the bathroom, Regina took a warm, cleansing shower. This was the first indicator that she was not in a good headspace. When she had been in the psychiatric ward, she had taken so many showers because she had felt dirty all the time. She had desperately tried to wash the memory of Killian Jones' hands on her body away, but no matter how many shows she took, it hadn't helped.
She didn't want to feel like that again. Not ever. But suppose this had triggered something in her again?
Now she felt even worse. It wasn't fair that Emma's sweet kiss was making her feel like this. It wasn't fair that Regina's fucking traumas was ruining something before it had barely started.
Regina stayed under the spray of water until it turned cold. Then she switched off the water, wrapped a towel around her body and then reached in the cupboard under the sink. Now that she was here, she might as well change the plaster on her throat. She had planned on doing it tomorrow instead, but really, there was no reason for waiting. And perhaps she was trying to punish herself a little for being unable to let her heart take the lead rather than her mind. The wound on her throat looked terribly ugly, and looking at it seemed like a fair punishment for ruining everything.
But however angry she was at herself, she knew that she had to be gentle with herself as she carefully spread ointment on the wound. If she was too quick in her movements, she could end up scratching at the wound and accidentally make it spring right open. And that was definitely not good. The healing process was essential. The possibility of a future operation depended on the healing process.
But perhaps Regina didn't even want the second surgery. Maybe she was fine with the way things were right now. She had at last gotten used to not being able to speak. There was no reason why she should get her hopes up and become optimistic about the second surgery. There was only about 75% chance that it would work. Not enough reason to get her hopes up.
She finished spreading the ointment on the wound and while waiting for it to dry, she put on her underwear and sweatpants. She noticed that her stomach hurt tonight. Cramped and tied in knots. It had been a while since it last did that. Regina had of course noted that her stomach never hurt when she was with Emma, or after she had been with Emma. But tonight was different. Tonight she was angry at herself. It made perfect sense that her stomach would hurt tonight.
She slipped the long t-shirt over her head, careful not to make the fabric rub against the wound on her throat. It wouldn't be long before she could stop wearing the plaster, and she was looking forward to that. Sometimes it folded awkwardly and irritated her skin.
But would she ever be able to not wear the scarf? Regina doubted it. It didn't matter that both doctor Auburn and Doctor Anton had told her that she could mask the scars and lines on her neck with special powder. Because even though the scars would not be visible, Regina would know that they were there. And that would be enough reason for her to never stop wearing scarves.
The ointment had dried, and Regina found a fresh plaster in the first aid-kit. Unfolded it and carefully put it over the wound on her throat. The muscles there immediately tightened, and Regina had to breathe deeply in and out through her nose not to gag. It was like her entire body was failing her tonight. But at least the plaster was sitting where it was supposed to sit. She examined her face in the mirror. Without the makeup and the happy smile she had been sporting all night, she looked terribly tired. Dark circles underneath her eyes. And she was certain she could see one or two new wrinkles here and there.
Now that she had dressed the part, there was nothing she wanted more than to go to bed, but she knew she couldn't do that. If she hid up here without showing her face, Zelena would start to worry. The texts would start coming, and if Regina did not answer because she was asleep, Zelena would undoubtedly do something dramatic. Maybe call Emma. Maybe call the police. She surely wouldn't think of checking Regina's room because there was no reason to do so.
So to avoid any disasters, Regina shrugged a robe over her sweatpants and t-shirt and then quietly went down the stairs. Startling her sister was not something she had any interest in either.
Downstairs, she found Zelena still fast asleep and snoring slightly on the couch. The television was switched on. Zelena had clearly been in the middle of an Antiques Road Trip marathon before falling asleep. There was an empty bag of chips standing on the coffee table, and a cup of cold tea. Maybe Zelena had lived in Canada since she was twenty, but she still swore by tea.
Regina suffocated a little smile as she switched off the television. Took the empty chips bag and cup of cold tea and brought both items into the kitchen. The bag she threw in the trashcan, and the cold tea she poured into the sink and then rinsed the cup before setting it in the dishwasher.
The sound of the water running made Zelena stir, and Regina heard a faint 'mmm' from the living room. If Zelena didn't wake up on her own accord, Regina would have to wake her up. It sounded cruel, but it would be even crueler to let Zelena sleep on the couch. Her back and neck would be completely stiff in the morning.
Coming back into the living room, Regina found her sister still fast asleep on the couch. The stirring sound she had heard had merely been the sound of the blanket sliding off Zelena's body and onto the floor.
Sorry, sis, Regina thought to herself as she gently put a hand on Zelena's arm.
"Mmmm," Zelena said again, but this time she actually opened her eyes and looked at Regina.
Regina smiled at her. Moved her hand from Zelena's arm so she could touch one flat hand to her chin and then bring it down to meet her other hand which was waist height and palm up. Then she bent at the elbow, leaving her arm parallel to the body and rested the fingertips in the crook of her elbow of her second arm. She brought up her second hand, flat and palm up, towards herself like the sun coming up over the horizon. Good morning.
"Good morning," Zelena chuckled hoarsely. "Or rather good evening, I think. You've been home for a while, haven't you?"
Regina nodded in confirmation. Indeed she had. 'You should go to bed', she signed. 'You're tired.'
"I am, but not too tired to talk to my little sister," Zelena smiled as she sat up in the couch and looked expectantly at Regina. "I want to know how the date went."
That was exactly what Regina had been fearing. She was still not really in any mood for this, but she didn't want to fob off Zelena either. She had done that plenty in the past during Killian's reign of terror, and she knew what kind of bad memories it would trigger for Zelena if she fobbed her off. And besides, Zelena would easily figure out that something was wrong if Regina gave an excuse as to why she did not want to discuss her date with Emma. They had talked about the other dates. It would only be natural to talk about this one too. Especially because Regina had been so excited about it all week.
She had been excited. And now it was ruined.
Regina gave a quick nod and tried her best to smile at her sister.
"Well, sit down then," Zelena said, adopting a brisk tone. "I've been curious all night."
Regina sat down on the couch. Picked up the blanket and pulled it over her legs even though she was not cold.
"So? How did it go? Is Priscilla Adams still amazing?"
Regina nodded. At least that was easily answered. 'Yes, she is still amazing.' Amazing enough to make her cry, but that was not something Zelena had to know.
"Oh, good. And the orchestra? Was that amazing too?"
'Yes. The orchestra was wonderful too.'
"Excellent." Now Zelena was smiling. Almost grinning from ear to ear. "And how was Emma? Was she wonderful too?"
'Yes. Of course.' She was. God, was Emma ever wonderful! Attentive, sweet, funny, beautiful. She was everything Regina was looking for in a potential partner. But she couldn't appreciate it because she was too fucking scared of everything!
The grin slipped from Zelena's face, and there was only concern left when she asked: "Then why are you not smiling?"
Regina shrugged. Signed: 'I'm tired.' So she was fobbing of Zelena anyway apparently.
"No, that's not it," Zelena said slowly. "Something's the matter, I can tell."
Regina bit her lip.
"What happened, Regina?" Zelena asked worriedly, leaning in and gently touching Regina's hand. "Did she say something bad? Did she do something she should not have?" The anger was slowly making itself present in her green eyes. "Did she touch you in a way you didn't consent to? Is that it?! I swear to god, I'm going to-"
Regina silenced her by holding up a hand. Then signing: 'she did not do anything inappropriate.'
"Oh," Zelena deflated a little. "Good. That's good. But something happened, though. You're not happy, I can tell."
It was better to just come forward with it, Regina thought. She wiggled her fingers once more. 'She kissed me.'
"Oh!" Zelena looked surprised for a moment. Then angry again. "But you just assured me that she did not do anything inappropriate?"
Regina shook her head and tried not to look as pathetic as she felt. 'She didn't. It was not inappropriate in any way. It was a perfectly nice kiss. Better than that. I'm the one who ruined it.'
Zelena didn't look angry anymore. Instead concerned and a little sad. "What happened, sweetie?"
Regina shifted uneasily on the couch. 'At first it was really nice,' she signed. 'I kissed her back. I wanted her to kiss me. Until I started to remember stuff. Bad stuff.'
"Oh, Regina," Zelena said softly and took her hand in hers.
'I couldn't stop thinking about it. It filled me completely and blocked out everything else,' Regina rapidly signed. It was an odd thing, having the words pour out of her when she couldn't say them out loud. 'I so wanted it to keep being nice, but I couldn't. It was just too much.'
"Did Emma notice what was happening to you?" Zelena asked and squeezed Regina's hand to keep her grounded.
Regina shrugged and pulled her hand out of her sisters grasp to sign: 'I don't know. Maybe. She definitely seemed thrown off afterwards. Insecure like she was the one who had done something wrong and not me.'
"You haven't done anything wrong, Regina," Zelena said firmly.
Regina openly disagreed with her. 'Yes, I have. I said yes to going out with her.'
"And why shouldn't you have? You like her."
Regina blinked rapidly. Willed herself not to cry. She did like Emma, but... 'It doesn't matter. Not when it doesn't change anything. I can't keep dating her when I feel like this. It's not fair to her. She deserves to date someone who can actually kiss her instead of feel panicked at the thought.'
"You'll get there, sis," Zelena said gently. "I know you will."
Regina shook her head again. It still wasn't enough. 'Maybe. Maybe not. Even if you're right, there's no way of telling when I'll be there. In two weeks? Two months? Two years? I can't do that to her. I can't string her along and give her false hope. It's not fair to her.'
Zelena looked beyond sad now. "So, you're going to...'
'Break things off with her,' Regina signed with trembling fingers. 'It's the only right thing to do. She deserves to be with someone who does not flinch when touched or panics at the thought of kissing.'
Zelena said nothing. Instead she moved closer and wrapped an arm around Regina's shoulder. Gave her a gentle squeeze.
Regina felt completely disheartened. Close to tears, even. Damnit. Her fingers shook as she brought them up to sign one more time. 'I really liked her. More than I have liked anyone in a long time. And I had really hoped' she stopped singing for a moment and pulled herself together. 'It doesn't matter. I'm not ready for it.'
"You're not ready for all of it," Zelena corrected. "But up until now, you've been so happy."
And so what? 'It doesn't matter, Zelena. I can't be with her if I can't give her the things she's looking for.'
Zelena shifted a little. "Have you considered... telling her? About..." she hesitated.
Regina frowned as she 'replied'. 'I have considered giving her a moderated version, but I have decided that it is too soon for even that.'
"Are you sure?" Zelena asked softly. "Of course it is your decision, but I can't help but feeling that telling her could be an option."
Regina shook her head rapidly. 'She would run away. She wants to date someone normal. Not someone who is broken.'
"You're NOT broken!" Zelena half-shouted. "You are not, Regina! Please don't ever think that you are! You've been through something terrible, but you're NOT broken." She took Regina's hand again. Squeezed it gently. "He could never break you, sweetie. You're here. You're alive. You fought, and you've taken strides since coming home from the hospital. Only a month ago, you wouldn't have been capable of going to a concert. You wouldn't have been able to go on a date or even recognize that you like Emma."
The praise was nice, but it still didn't help much. Regina still felt upset and on the verge of crying.
"I don't think you should give up on Emma just yet," Zelena gently continued. "Even though it seems like the only way to go about this, I think there is another way. Give her the chance to understand you. All of you."
'You think that I should tell her,' Regina deduced.
"Yes, I do, but it is not up to me," Zelena replied. "Only you can decide it, sis."
Regina frowned. 'She would run away. I would never see her again.'
"I understand why it's a scary thought," Zelena murmured. "I really do. But the thing is, I don't think Emma would run away. I think she would stay. And I think she could be just the person you need. I think... I think she's right for you." She patted Regina's hand again. "I can't really explain it, and I know it sounds silly because you haven't known her for that long, but I have a good feeling about her. A really good feeling about her. I think that if you give her the chance, she can grow to understand you. And I think she can be a way for you to experience dating the right way. The way it's supposed to be."
Regina looked at her sister. Zelena had clearly thought about this, and not just right now. This was something she had given thoughts over the past few weeks. Normally, Zelena wasn't quite as insightful as she was tonight. Regina thought about it. Could Zelena be right? Was there a chance that Emma would understand her and meet her with understanding rather than running away?
Emma Swan was special.
Regina had known so for a while.
And for one, brief moment, it HAD been nice to kiss her. For a moment, Regina HAD returned the kiss. She knew she had. There had been a tiny flicker of something that was not fear and trauma and bad memories.
Maybe... Maybe they could... try again? Kissing. If Regina did in fact let Emma in on what had happened to her. Maybe everything else would come naturally afterwards?
Maybe... Maybe... kissing could become something nice again.
Honesty was the most important thing when dating someone, and right now, Regina was not being honest with Emma.
But suppose she was? Suppose she decided to trust Emma with the grim secret?
Trust was important when dating someone too.
And if Regina should choose just one more person to trust... It surely would be kindhearted, sweet Emma Swan who had been nothing but good to her.
Regina allowed herself to hope again. Hope that Emma would not run away. That she by some miracle would meet her with understanding and patience rather than going for the easy choice and run away as fast as her legs could carry her.
It was wonderful that Emma was making Regina feel as though she was her old self again, but she was not. She was different. Changed. And she owed it to Emma to give her the chance to get to know that version of her. The woman who had her voice stolen by her violent fiancé and not the woman who was involved in a freak car accident that robbed her of her voice. That woman did not exist. She was a story Regina and Zelena came up with to protect Henry. They had their reasons. Henry was a child. He should be shielded and protected from the grim truth.
Emma Swan was an adult. And furthermore, she was someone that Regina was interested in. She deserved to know the truth. No matter how grim and dark and complicated it was.
Regina had been brave when she said yes to going on a date with Emma.
She could be brave about this too.
Brave enough to tell Emma the truth.
Because she didn't want to give Emma up. Not really.
She wanted her in her life. And if the truth spooked Emma and caused her to run away...
Well.
Then at least Regina would have tried.
That was all she could do.
Try.
And hope.
Regina smiled a little to herself.
"What does that mean?" Zelena asked, and Regina flinched a little. Had forgotten that Zelena was still there. But she quickly pulled herself together and signed. 'It means that I will consider everything you said.'
"You'll consider telling her?" Zelena asked softly.
Regina nodded as she rose from the couch. Yes. Yes, she would consider it. Very carefully. And perhaps the next time she saw Emma, she would apologize for the way she had reacted to the kiss. She would get a whole conversation started about it. And then, perhaps, she would tell Emma the reason why she had reacted like she did.
And maybe, just maybe, Emma wouldn't run away.
Regina's head was full of thoughts as she walked upstairs and slipped into bed. Her head was creaking. And there it was again. That fickle little thing called 'hope'. That feeling she always connected with Emma Swan.
Regina soon fell asleep and completely forgot to reply to the message Emma had sent her earlier...
When she woke up that Sunday morning, it was to a most unwelcome surprise.
Her throat hurt.
Badly.
It wasn't a surprise as such. Her doctor had told her about these 'occasional flareups'. It hurt, but it wasn't dangerous. Just the muscles in her throat pulling terribly tight. Almost like they were locked. She had some exercises she could do. And her doctor had given her some massage techniques too. But the thought of touching her throat right now was unbearable. She had to settle for the last of Doctor Auburn's advices. Rest. Lots and lots of rest.
This flareup was ill timing. She was supposed to pick up Henry from Nick's. She had also planned on making cookies this afternoon, and Mofongo for dinner.
Well. Now those plans were going out the window. Regina was in no way fit to drive or cook. All she was fit to do, was lay in bed and waiting for this to pass. Perhaps she would emerge from bed tonight, but judging by how she was feeling right now, she wasn't gonna hold out too much hope.
She supposed this was her own fault in a way. Stress only increased the possibility of flareups, and she had most definitely stressed herself last night. She had been overthinking and working herself up, and that wasn't good for her. Not good for her at all.
And of course she started worrying now too. Had her hands been properly clean when she changed plaster last night? She had been in quite a state when doing it. Maybe she hadn't been properly looking after the wound. Touched it too harshly. Had she accidentally given herself some kind of infection? She didn't actually believe that, but with her luck... Well, anything was possible.
Regina curled up in bed and tried not to think about how much it hurt. Only thought about breathing in through her nose and out through her nose. Breathe her way through it. That was the only way to do this when it hurt as much as it did right now. She was used to these flareups even though it had been a while since she last had one. But then again, she HAD been stressing herself out last night. That was most definitely a contributor to her current condition. She took another long breath and tried not to feel upset about the many plans she had to change because of this. It was annoying, and especially because she most likely had no choice but to take one of the strong painkillers. One of those that had the habit of knocking her out for hours. She didn't like taking those pills. They always made her feel all delirious and woozy when she woke up. But they did help with the pain. And right now, the pain was almost unbearable. It had been a long time since it last hurt this much, so maybe that was why it felt particularly nasty today.
Regina bit her lip and felt something prickle in her eyes. It felt like her throat was on fire. The muscles were completely locked and every time she moved just the tiniest bit, everything cramped up and made black spots dance before her eyes.
She looked at the door with blurry vision as there was a knock on it. Then a soft: "Regina? It's after nine. Are you okay?"
Normally, she wouldn't be asking, but she did today because Regina was supposed to pick up Henry at nine thirty, and Zelena knew that.
Regina lifted a weak hand and scratched her fingers halfheartedly against the bedside table to show that she was awake and listening.
"Can I come in?" Zelena asked from behind the closed door, and Regina scratched her fingers against the hard surface again.
The door was opened, and Zelena stepped inside. She took one look at Regina and swiftly walked over to her bed. Gently, she placed a hand on Regina's forehead and declared: "I don't think you're running a fever, but it's probably best that we check it anyway, don't you think?"
Regina gave a weak nod. Zelena knew the drill. She had seen it many times before.
"I'll get the thermometer," Zelena said, quickly leaving the bedroom again and jogging down the hallway.
Sometimes the flareups of pain in her throat could make Regina run a low grade fever, but she hoped that wasn't the case today.
After a moment, Zelena came back with the thermometer. She sat down at Regina's bedside and gently prompted her to open her mouth. Regina did so, and the thermometer was placed under her tongue. She couldn't even keep her eyes open while waiting for the thermometer's 'verdict'.
Zelena didn't say anything. She just sat on the bedside and held Regina's hand. Like she always did. And for the millionth time, Regina felt grateful for having an older sister.
"Alright, let's see," Zelena said as she gently took the thermometer out of Regina's mouth. "No fever. I thought so."
Regina tried to smile. That was good. But she still didn't feel completely soothed. She lifted a trembling hand and pointed awkwardly to her throat.
"Do you want me to take a look?" Zelena quickly deduced.
Regina gave a slight nod.
"Alright. I'll be quick."
Regina closed her eyes again as her sister began to peel the plaster back. It pulled at the skin, but the slight pain could not be compared to the way her throat hurt internally.
"No swelling. No redness. No blood," Zelena told her. "The wound is fine, but I think it would be a good thing to let it breathe for the day. Where are we on the scale pain-wise?"
Regina held up nine trembling fingers. Definitely nine. This was bad. Awful.
"You need medicine, hun," Zelena said as she brushed hair away from Regina's forehead as though she was a little girl.
Oh no. Not those pills. They would make her loose if not a whole day, then several hours. Regina tried to shake her head. She didn't succeed.
"Regina, please, you have to," Zelena said softly. "I know they make you very sleepy, but it's better than being in pain, right? And I can see how much you're hurting right now. You're very pale. Obviously, I'm not gonna force you to take anything, but it would really make me feel better if you did. I hate seeing you like this."
Regina still had some common sense left even though the pain was making her slightly delirious. She thought of Henry. Thought of how worried he would be if he peeked inside her bedroom when he came home and saw her like this. He had already seen her in pain plenty of times. It was better if he saw her peacefully asleep. She gave a wobbly nod.
"Is that a yes to the medicine?" Zelena murmured.
Regina gave another slight nod.
"Good. Do you want anything else? Something to eat, perhaps?"
Regina quickly shook her head. Definitely not. She felt nauseous.
"Just the medicine then. I'll be right back." Zelena leapt from her bedside and once again jogged down the hallway. Regina struggled to stay present while waiting. She didn't want to fall asleep before having taken the medicine. There was nothing worse than to wake up to excruciating pain. She continued with the deep breaths, but they didn't help the matter very much. She mostly just wanted to scream and claw at her throat in a frenzy because of the way the muscles and broken vocal chords seemed to burn.
Before she could work herself into that frenzy, Zelena came inside the bedroom again. "I've crushed the pill to make it easier for you, sis. Do you think you can sit up?"
Honestly, Regina was not sure she could. But somehow, she nevertheless managed to move herself into something similar to a sitting position. Her fingers trembled as she took the glass from Zelena.
"That's it," Zelena praised. "Just drink all of it and get it over with."
Easier said than done. Regina gagged at the first attempt at swallowing. The second attempt made tears spring from her eyes. The third attempt had droplets of water trickle down her chin. But in the end, she actually managed to drink the water/medicine.
"Well done, you. You're a fucking hero!" Zelena said as she took the glass from Regina again. "You can lie back down now, you're all done. Here, let me help you. That's it."
With her sisters help, Regina managed to place her head on the pillow once more, and Zelena tugged her in as though she was a little girl who couldn't do it herself.
"Your phone is laying on the bedside table, so if you need anything, you just text me," Zelena said as she drew the curtains to make the room darker. "And Chad is picking up Henry, so you don't have to worry about anything, okay? You just sleep while the medicine works. Then I'm sure you'll feel much better tomorrow."
Regina nodded. She was already starting to feel sleepy.
"Sleep well, sis."
Her hand was squeezed again, and then Zelena left the bedroom. Regina carefully rolled onto her left side, so she was facing away from the door. Then she closed her eyes and waited for the medicine to kick in. This was definitely not how she had planned on spending her Sunday, and she really hoped that flareups wasn't going to be a thing. She had been doing so well lately. Maybe too well. Maybe this was the universe's way of punishing her for feeling too good or something.
No. Of course it was not. She was not supposed to be thinking like that. There was no deeper meaning or reason behind this flareup. It was just a thing that had happened once in a while because her vocal cords were fragile still.
The medicine was starting to kick in. Regina could feel it in the way her head was starting to get a little floaty. It wouldn't be long before she was asleep. And then the pain would lessen like it always did whenever she took this kind of strong medicine. It had been the right decision to take it. The pain had slowly been inching closer to ten out of ten, and Regina never wanted to feel like that again. It had been excruciatingly painful.
She heard something creak in the hallway, and knew that it was Zelena who was 'skulking around'. Keeping an eye on her. Worrying. Regina appreciated it. Well, of course she didn't want Zelena to worry about her, but it was nice to know that Zelena was close by. After about thirty seconds or so, Regina heard Zelena walk away once more. She didn't doubt that her sister would do this many, many times over the next hours. But Regina had a strong feeling that she would not be awake to experience it. She could feel herself starting to grow heavier and heavier, and it did feel like the muscles in her throat had started to relax some. Thank god.
Regina somehow managed to pull the blanket all the way up to her chin, and then she surrendered to the comfortable sleepiness weighting her down...
She drifted in and out of sleep that day. Had no idea what time it was the first time she woke up. And even less how she managed to stalk into the bathroom and do her business. She was halfway back to her bedroom when Zelena showed up and took her arm to guide her back to bed.
The next time she woke up, Henry was sitting by her bedside and holding her hand. When he saw that she was awake, he smiled and asked how she was feeling.
At that point, Regina was quite woozy, but she managed to smile somewhat reassuringly at her son and weakly signing and asking if he'd had a good time with Nick.
Henry willingly told her all about the fun stuff he had been doing at Nick's place. It involved lots of videogames and marshmallows. He had been lacking nothing, and once again, Regina was so grateful that Henry had a friend like Nick.
"How are you feeling, mom?" Henry then asked. "Are you feeling very bad?"
Regina was not. She was just in an expected but annoying medicinal fog. She would not be able to do anything besides laying in bed for the rest of the day. But she did feel better. The muscles in her throat definitely felt less tight and achy. And that was a huge relief. She reached out and clumsily patted Henry on the cheek in an attempt to indicate that she was doing okay.
"I've brought you some water," Henry said sweetly. "Do you want some?"
She wasn't very thirsty, but she supposed it couldn't hurt. Her throat felt a bit dry. She managed to sit up, and with Henry's help, she actually got a mouthful or two of water.
"Do you need anything else?" Henry asked. "Maybe something to eat?"
Regina shook her head. She was not hungry yet. The medicine always took away her appetite.
"Can I stay for a little while?" Henry asked quietly. "Aunt Z said that I'm supposed to let you sleep, but..."
Regina immediately scooted and made room for Henry. It didn't take long before he was laying next to her. In her arms.
"I love you, mom," he said spontaneously as he snuggled closer to her.
Regina sleepily dropped a kiss on his head. Held him a bit closer. Then she closed her eyes again. She liked the idea of drifting off to sleep with Henry in her arms, and she was delighted that he had snuck past his ever watchful aunt to go up here and check up on her. After all, he was the best kind of medicine one could ask for. Nothing could beat his snuggles. Regina felt a million times better already. Now she just needed to be free of this medical fog, and then she would be as good as new. She surely would feel much, much better tomorrow. Perhaps even good enough to go outside with her son.
She fell asleep once more, and when she woke up again, it was pitch black in her room. The medication gave her double vision, but she was still able to see the time on her clock radio. 10:40. God, she had literally slept through the day. And she was still tired.
But she was prevented from going to sleep again when the door to her bedroom was pushed open. A single stream of light found its way in, and Regina squinted slightly when she spotted her now pajama wearing son coming into the bedroom.
"Mom?" Henry whispered. "Are you asleep?"
Regina scratched lightly against the bedside table that she was awake.
"I can't sleep. Can I sleep in here tonight?" Henry whispered. "Aunt Z said I shouldn't, but I don't want to sleep alone." He sounded almost embarrassed. Perhaps he had gotten it into his head that ten year old boys were too big to be sleeping in their mothers' bed.
Regina was more than eager to firmly shoot down that belief. Exactly like earlier, she scooted and made room for her son.
Henry came trotting over to her and climbed into bed with her. "I'm not bothering you, am I?" he murmured.
No, of course not. He could never bother her. Not ever. Regina threw the covers over both of them and hugged her son closer. That would be answer enough.
"Does your throat still hurt?" Henry whispered.
Regina sleepily shook her head. The pain had definitely subsided. She was just terribly tired because of how tense her muscles had been.
"Good. I hate when your throat hurt," Henry said plainly.
So did Regina. And she hated when she made her son worry about her. Tomorrow she would make sure to spend all her time with him. She gave him another little cuddle.
"Goodnight, mom," Henry whispered. "I hope you're okay tomorrow."
Regina was sure she would be. She already felt so much better. Just extremely tired. She would also have to take it easy tomorrow, but hopefully not as easy as she had been forced to take it today. She was not at all satisfied with how today had turned out. But there was little she could do about that now. Just sleep and hope that tomorrow would be better.
She did feel better the next morning. Well enough to get out of bed, get dressed and then move downstairs. Her legs still felt a little weak, but her throat had finally stop hurting.
Downstairs, she found Zelena sitting at the kitchen table with her laptop. She had clearly opted for working from home today.
Regina felt a little guilty. She knew that she was the reason for Zelena's change of plans.
Zelena looked up when she spotted Regina. "Oh, hi there," she smiled. "How are you feeling?"
'Better,' Regina signed and returned the smile.
"That's good. Yesterday was a hard one."
'Indeed. And those damn pills,' Regina signed and shook her head. The medicine had stolen a whole day from her. But it had done its job. She might not be up for gymnastics, but she was awake and pain free. That was a big deal.
"Do you want me to fix you something for breakfast?" Zelena offered.
Regina declined. She wanted to make her own breakfast. She needed to do something sensible to shake off the last bit of the medical fog.
Once she had made herself a bowl of oatmeal, she settled down next to Zelena.
"I'm glad you're feeling better," Zelena said. "That was quite the flareup you had."
Regina nodded. Indeed.
"Do you have any idea what triggered it?" Zelena asked and glanced at Regina over the top of her laptop.
Regina signed a single word: 'stress'. She was sure of that. It had to be.
Zelena's mouth twisted. And then she reached across the table so she could pat Regina's hand.
'Thank you for looking after me,' Regina signed once their sisterly moment had passed.
"What are older sisters for," Zelena said lightly. "They're supposed to be a pain in the ass. And look after their little sister once in a while."
Regina smiled at her sister. It was more than 'once in a while', and they both knew that.
She opted for a quiet day in. Was planning on doing little chores only. Nothing too strenuous. But still productive. She would write an email to the British Columbia University and tell them that she absolutely definitely wanted that job as an online teacher. Then she would pick up Henry from school and him with his homework. Spend time with him to show him that she was feeling better. He had would be concerned when she picked him up from school. He would be asking her how she was feeling every so often, and Regina would do everything in her power to convince him that she was. And then she vowed to do her best not to get so stressed she became ill because of it. She couldn't do that to Henry. He had seen her in pain and upset far too many times. Thinking about Henry made her sign something to Zelena as an afterthought: 'Henry is always allowed to come into my room, okay?'
"Noted," Zelena said quickly. "Of course. I shouldn't have told him to stay out of your room yesterday. I guess I was just freaking out because it had been such a long time since you last had that kind of pain. I wasn't thinking at all."
Regina smiled at her sister to show that she was not upset, and Zelena looked relieved. "He slept in there last night, didn't he?"
Regina nodded. He sure did. And there had been a point where he had woken her up because he was stirring as though he was having a nightmare. But then she had held him close once more, and he had stopped stirring again. That poor boy. His concern for her had clearly bled into his dreams, and Regina would not have it. She did not want him to be so worried about her that he ended up getting bad dreams because of it.
So she dedicated the rest of that early afternoon to him. Once he was done with his homework, she actually baked those cookies she had planned on baking yesterday. And Henry helped her, of course. The smell of melting chocolate wafting through the kitchen made him perk up, and Regina could see how he gradually started to relax and actually believe that she did in fact feel better.
She spontaneously picked up her boy, so his feet dangled above the floor.
"Mom!" he protested while laughing. "Put me down!"
Regina of course did not put him down. Instead she jokingly spun him around once before setting him on his feet again.
"You're silly," Henry accused, still laughing.
Regina did not deny that. She did feel rather giddy. Being able to exist without being in pain did that to you.
Zelena passed by them with her laptop wedged under her arm and sniffed in. "Something smells good."
"We're is making cookies," Henry said with stars in his eyes.
Zelena flashed Regina a smile. "Looks good. I'm looking forward to it."
"Me, too!" Henry piped up and grinned.
'After dinner,' Regina signed. Of course she couldn't help but being a mom. She had missed out on an entire day of mothering yesterday, and she felt like she had to make up for that.
"I know," Henry said somewhat begrudgingly as Zelena laughed.
Regina was so relieved over feeling better. She had feared that her 'flareup' would have lasted longer, but thankfully, it had not, and she had made it through yet another flareup.
She was actually pretty tough. Yesterday she had been on the verge of tears, and today she was up and about AND making cookies with her son. It was hard not to feel a little bit like superwoman. And she could see that Zelena was proud of her too. And Henry was relieved. That was the most important thing. Convincing her son that she was doing just fine.
Later that day, she was sitting by the kitchen table, debating whether she should throw herself into making lasagna for dinner or not, she remembered that she had not messaged Emma at all today. Or yesterday. Oh god, that was awful of her! First her reaction to the kiss and now her radio silence. It wasn't difficult for her to figure out what Emma would think about that. She quickly found her phone. Found the message Emma had sent her the day before yesterday, and felt incredibly guilty as she typed: 'I had a good time as well. I'm really sorry I didn't text you yesterday. I wasn't feeling well.' That was to put it lightly. Regina had felt absolutely awful yesterday, but Emma Swan didn't need to know that.
But she did need to know other things.
Now that her head was clearer, Regina dared thinking back to the decision she had reached the day before yesterday.
Telling Emma.
Being honest with Emma.
Yes. She could do that. It was like her flareup had sorted out her priorities, and she had reached the decision that she'd rather tell Emma the truth than hiding behind a lie. Emma deserved her honesty. And maybe, once the dust had settled, they could build something from it. She was terrified of sharing her grim secret with Emma, but she had to be brave. Had to believe in her fickle friend. Hope.
Her cellphone chimed, and Regina quickly checked the message: 'that's completely fine! I'm just glad to hear from you. I was a bit worried about you when I didn't hear anything.'
Regina felt incredibly guilty as she texted back. 'Again, I'm sorry about not texting you, and I'm sorry you were worried. You don't have to be, though. Everything is fine.'
'I'm glad you're doing okay :)'
'I am', Regina replied to the text and found herself smiling. Just texting Emma made her feel all the more sure that telling Emma the truth was the right thing to do.
'Would you like to meet up for coffee sometime next week?'
That sounded perfect. Regina could see them sit together at Eugenia's Inn and have coffee. Maybe they could go for another walk. She could steer the conversation onto her reaction to the kiss- start with an apology- and then, slowly, she could explain her reasons for reacting like that. Explain and hope that Emma would still be interested in dating her.
'Coffee sounds nice. Shall we meet at Eugenia's Inn like the last time?'
'That suits me just fine. I'm looking forward to seeing you.'
'I'm looking forward to seeing you too. What are your plans for the rest of the day? How was work?' it was better to steer the conversation onto other topics. Otherwise Regina would get too nervous about it all. And she didn't want to be nervous. Didn't want to back out. Not when she had made her decision.
Telling Emma.
Being honest.
Being brave.
To Be Continued...