The next week was horrible.
Regina did not have much of an appetite. She only ate because Henry and Zelena would get worried if she did not.
She didn't sleep much at night either. She often woke up bathed in sweat from terrible nightmares. Some of them about Liam. Some of them about Emma and how badly she had hurt her.
When she woke up in the morning, she was exhausted and on the verge of tears.
Sometimes crying was the first thing she did in the morning.
And sometimes crying was the last thing she did at night.
She started seeing her therapist three times a week rather than just two. She wasn't sure whether it helped or not, but she supposed that it was nice to unload and tell someone of all the thoughts that swirled about in her head and never let her rest properly.
Her therapist recommended her to start taking melatonin again.
So she did. It helped a little. She started to get five hours of sleep instead of two. What a luxury.
Another week passed and the snow once again fell heavily over Vancouver. The temperature dropped from cold to ice cold, and Regina had to bundle up each morning when she went out. Because of her new 'sleep-schedule' (or lack of), she was up an hour before the rest of the house, and she used that hour to take a brisk morning walk. Walking helped. Walking cleared her mind briefly.
Christmas came and went without any fuss.
Regina and Zelena had clearly thought the same thing. That this year, Henry's needs would be covered in every possible way. So for the first time, he got everything he had put on his wish list, and he unpacked and unpacked and gradually grew louder and louder. High on christmas cookies and presents. Regina returned all his hugs and received all his kisses with a smile on her face.
There was a delicious, homecooked turkey with plenty of stuffing. There was a merrily flicking fireplace. There was an intense snowball fight between two teams. Her and Henry and Zelena and Chad.
From the outside, it looked to be a good day. Idyllic, even.
It should have been a good day.
Regina maintained the smile throughout the day.
But her mood was at her lowest.
She cried in the bathroom when everybody else were outside. And then she stayed in the bathroom until her eyes didn't look red anymore.
When she finally retired to her bedroom for the night, she cried herself to sleep.
Miserable and unhappy and terribly guilty because it was Christmas, and it should have been a day of joy.
New Year's Eve came with its usual hullaballoo. Fireworks and cheering. Champagne and toasting to the completely fresh, new year with all its new possibilities.
Regina had toasted too. To the glorious new year.
But the champagne had tasted bitter in her mouth and her stomach had tied in knots as she looked at the colorful fireworks. All she could think of was Emma. How she was doing. What she was doing. All throughout the night, Regina so badly wanted to text Emma. Say happy new year to her. Tell her how sorry she was. Tell her everything.
But then she remembered Liam's threats.
Remembered that contacting Emma could be fatal.
For Emma.
She had to protect Emma.
Keep her safe.
No matter what.
But she was so unhappy all the time.
She missed Emma terribly so.
And every time she tried to move on, Emma's face appeared for her inner eye. Her lovely smile. Her gentle laughter. Her quick wit.
Regina missed all of it.
Emma hadn't just been a brief fling.
No.
She had been someone Regina had grown to care for quickly. Someone she could have grown to fall in love with. In time.
But there would be none of that now.
New Year's Eve had ended in a terrible nightmare in which Liam killed Emma.
Regina had woken in tears and bathed in sweat and the intense urge to vomit. Which she had. In the bathroom. Of course Zelena had found out about it, and Regina had lied through her teeth and claimed that she had too much champagne and was hungover.
They both knew that she was lying. Regina had only had half a glass of champagne that night. Not enough to make anyone feel hungover. But Zelena had not addressed it. She had simply given Regina a glass of water and a hug. Regina had assured her sister that she would feel much better in the morning, and then she had sent Zelena to bed with that reassurance.
But it had not escaped her notice that Zelena had been frowning deeply. By each day, she was growing more and more worried about Regina. And with good reason. Regina knew that she wasn't doing well at all.
One week later, when the new year was still just as brightly fresh, Regina reached the conclusion that she had to do something drastic in order to get better. She needed a change of scenery.
She woke up with that realization. Dizzy and uncomfortable after only four hours of sleep. So far, she had rested plenty, taken plenty of medicine and surrounded herself with her family in order to get better.
But none of it had done the trick.
She needed to do something drastic.
She had to go somewhere on her own. To a place where she did not have to pretend for Henry and watch her sister grow more and more concerned.
Of course Regina loved her family deeply. More than anything. But right now, she needed some time on her own. She needed to be in a place where she could react and allow herself to be upset and cry all she wanted without anyone being worried about her.
A good cry was exactly what she needed.
And Regina knew just the place for that.
She would not be gone for long. A couple of days tops. From Wednesday to Friday or something like that.
With the decision made, she got out of bed, headed into the bathroom, took a shower and then got dressed. Trousers. Button up. Blazer. Nobody could tell that she was a mess on the inside.
Once she had applied a little bit of makeup, she ventured downstairs.
The kitchen was quiet. And dark. Regina switched the coffee machine on. And while she waited for the coffee to brew, she circulated her head back and forward in an attempt to make it stop hurting. She had slept funny last night, and now the muscles were all tense. Well, actually, she had been tense for a long, long time, and no matter how much yoga she did, it didn't seem to work.
But what would?
Perhaps she was simply doomed to be tense for the rest of her life.
Regina rubbed her plaster-covered throat. That seemed to ache a bit too this morning. But she hoped that some hot coffee could relieve the pain. It usually did.
The coffee machine clicked, and Regina poured herself a cup of coffee. Took a sip of the scorching hot beverage. She ought to make herself some breakfast. But she simply wasn't hungry right now. She could make herself something after she had her coffee.
Regina glanced out of the window. The snow was still covering the garden like a thick blanket. She probably wouldn't be able to take her morning walk today. The roads were too slippery. It was dangerous.
She was halfway through her cup of coffee when Zelena came down the stairs. She too had developed the habit of waking up early. Regina felt so guilty because of that. It was her fault that Zelena weren't able to sleep either. She woke up because she was worried about Regina.
Another excellent reason to go away for a few days.
"Good morning," Zelena greeted as she came into the living room where Regina was sitting.
Regina flashed her sister a tiny smile.
"Is there coffee enough for two?"
Regina nodded. She happened to have made plenty of coffee. Too much. She had been distracted. The amount of coffee she should make had been the last thing on her mind.
"Great." Zelena disappeared into the kitchen again, and Regina heard her potter around and opening the cupboard to find a cup. After a moment, she came back inside the living room and sat down next to Regina on the couch. "Have you had any breakfast?"
Regina shook her head.
Zelena shifted uneasily on the couch. "And... are you going to?"
Regina nodded quickly. Of course. She didn't want to worry Zelena. And she was well aware that she had lost weight during these past three weeks. She could see it on her hands and face. And she could feel it on her pants and skirts. She had to wear a belt for most of it. Her cheeks, which had filled in nicely were now hollow once again. Her eyes seemed too big for her face. Sunken in. Even her hair seemed limp and without any glow. She looked terrible. A walking ghost.
"How many hours of sleep did you get last night?" Zelena asked softly.
Regina held onto the cup of coffee with one hand and held up four fingers.
"Oh, Regina," Zelena reached out and patted her knee. "I'm sorry. I really wish you could get a proper night of sleep. Have you tried taking more melatonin?"
Regina shook her head. She wasn't planning on upping the dose.
"And what about your Restoril tablets?" Zelena gently suggested. "I know you don't like the idea of taking medicine to be able to sleep, but you need rest. You need a good night's sleep. And Restoril has worked before."
Indeed. When she was in the psychiatric hospital to restitute after her almost-jump out of the window, Regina had taken Restoril every single night to be able to sleep. And it had worked. She had slept through the night. But she had also woken up with a heavy head that felt completely stuffed throughout the day. There was no doubt in Regina's mind that she had been as closed to drugged as she ever would be. And she did not want to go back to that place. How could she even be a good mother for Henry if she was completely woozy because of medicine?
She would rather suffer from insomnia.
Remembering that Zelena was waiting for an answer, Regina shook her head. Put the cup of coffee down to sign. 'No. No medicine.'
Zelena immediately backed off. "Okay. No medicine. It's your decision. But I wish that you would at least consider taking a higher dose of melatonin."
Well, she supposed she could do that. It was a natural product. It didn't poison her body. So maybe she would consider to take a higher dosage if her sleep problem continued.
If only there was some kind of pill that magically could make Emma Swan disappear from her memories all together. Regina would have taken that pill in a heartbeat.
She just wanted to forget.
Forget Emma Swan.
But she couldn't.
Because Emma Swan had burned herself into her memories. Every time Regina closed her eyes, she saw her beautiful, gentle smile.
Every time the house was quiet, Emma Swan's sweet laughter echoed in her mind.
It was an evil spiral.
Regina took a deep breath and remembered that Zelena was here. If she started weeping, Zelena's day would most certainly be ruined.
And she didn't want to cry. Her eyes were still stinging from the last time she cried, and the skin underneath was permanently swollen.
Regina wiggled her fingers in the air. 'I was thinking about going away for a few days.'
"Go?" Zelena echoed and looked alarmed immediately. "Go where?"
'To the log house,' Regina signed. She couldn't think of a better place to be alone with her thoughts for a little while. She really needed that. She needed to be somewhere by herself. Just for a little while.
"To Salmon Arm," Zelena murmured and tugged a lock of curly red hair behind her ear. "That's a long drive. Do you want some company?"
Regina shook her head and smiled at her sister to ensure that the dismissal didn't come across as harsh. 'It is nice of you to offer, but I have decided to go alone.'
Zelena bit her lip. "If that's what you want to do, I won't stop you. I would never try to decide what you should and shouldn't do, but I must admit that I don't like this. It's far away and so isolated."
Regina nodded calmly. That was exactly the point. She needed to be in a place that was isolated. Just herself and her thoughts.
"All the things are still there too," Zelena continued and frowned. "I haven't had the chance to do anything with them like you told me to. Are you sure you're okay with the stuff being there?"
Regina nodded and wiggled her fingers again. 'I don't have to look at the things. I can handle it.'
"Hmm," Zelena still didn't look entirely convinced.
Regina patted her sisters knee and made another attempt at calming her. 'I will be okay. I just need a few days to myself, that's all. I'll drive up there on Wednesday and be back on Friday. That is not a long time. And we can text all the time. Every minute, if you want.'
"I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to control what you should and shouldn't do," Zelena murmured. "I promise, that's not it! I'm just... worried about you."
Regina knew that. Oh, how she knew. She smiled at her sister in an attempt to calm her. Assure her that she would be okay. That going away to spend a few days alone was a part of her newfound self-care routine.
There was no reason to tell her sister that she was planning on letting all her frustrations out in the log house. Zelena didn't need to know that Regina was planning on having a good cry.
"I'll watch Henry," Zelena said. "I'm not working late this week."
'Thank you,' Regina signed. 'You don't think this will upset him, do you?'
"No. We can tell him that you're going up there to clean the place and check that everything is still working because it has been so long since anyone was there last," Zelena said gently. "I know we're bending the truth a little, but I think it's okay to do that for once."
For once. Regina's stomach cramped. Bending the truth with her son was something she had done more times than once. There were so many things she kept from Henry. So many things she had never told him. So many things she couldn't tell him. And right now was one of the occasions where she felt guilty for it. She knew that she was shielding him from harm and all the horrible things by not telling him.
But she was also lying to him. Something she once had sworn she would never do.
"Hey."
Regina quickly looked up. Was met by Zelena's concerned face. "Are you okay?" she asked.
Regina gave a quick nod. Now she was bending the truth with her sister too.
"You know, maybe a couple of days in Salmon Arm will be good for you," Zelena said. She was clearly trying to support Regina no matter what.
Regina nodded. A few days on her own. A few days where she didn't have to pretend for her son. And when she got back, she would feel much better. Hopefully.
The following Wednesday, Regina packed up the car, kissed her son goodbye and instructed him to be good for Zelena, and then she embarked on the four hour long drive to Salmon Arm. She had a large cooling bag full of food, her phone was charged, and at the bottom of her purse was her gun. Zelena had insisted. Why Regina wasn't sure. Salmon Arm was the most peaceful place in the world.
But then again, if you unknowingly could let a monster inside your home, anything could happen.
Regina did not like the gun one bit. And she liked it even less that it had been deemed necessary that she needed it. Nor did she like that she actually knew how to shoot someone. She knew how and where to aim to immobilize someone. After Liam's threats about 'finishing the job', the police had reacted immediately. She had been given a license to carry a gun, and she had been taught to shoot.
Aim for the knee. Always aim for the knee. That was the quickest way to immobilize someone.
And Regina hated it.
She hated that she knew.
Sometimes she considered to get rid of the gun. But she wasn't actually sure of how to get rid of a gun. And Zelena found it very comforting to know that she had a gun. So Regina kept the gun. But god, she hoped that she never would get to use it. It could stay in her drawer as a precaution, but that was it. If she ever felt threatened, she would get a big dog or something.
Regina switched on the radio. Found the classical station and turned up the volume on Bach's 5th symphony in C Minor. Bach always had a certain way of soothing her mind. And thus also today. She could literally feel how her shoulders became less bunched and her chest less tight. Her breathing slowed and her mind became less muddled.
If she could listen to Bach all day she certainly would.
Regina adjusted the rearview mirror slightly, and her heart leapt into her throat. There was a car driving behind her. A small car. A small car so brightly sun-yellow she could barely breathe.
For one glorious moment she thought it was Emma. Emma who had found her. Emma who had come to clear things up with her.
But then the car overtook her, and the illusion shattered. Of course it was not Emma. She and Emma weren't talking anymore. Emma was angry with her. Emma hated her.
Because Regina was a fucking coward who couldn't even tell the truth. She should have told Emma the truth.
But she didn't know how. And now it was too late. Much too late.
When she was halfway there, she stopped at a gas station to get the car filled up. And to text Zelena. Zelena liked contact. Plenty of contact.
'I am halfway there. Still doing okay. How is Henry?'
The response came immediately. 'Glad to hear that you're okay! Don't forget to text me when you get there. Henry is doing splendidly. He has done his homework and is currently in the middle of an epic
game of Monopoly with Chad and I.'
Regina smiled as she texted her sister back, telling her that she hoped they would have a good night. She was happy to hear that Henry was doing well. She had been worried that her departure would make upset, but he wasn't. Which was a good thing. And then again, she hadn't given him any reason to worry. She had followed Zelena's advice and told her son that she was driving to the log house to give the place a throughout clean up. There was nothing alarming about that.
Once the car had been filled up, Regina moved it to be parking lot by the gas station and went inside the little store where she bought herself a sandwich. Ham and cheese. Not the most inventive sandwich in the world (truth to be told, Regina would have preferred a healthier sandwich), but it was good enough for someone who was in a hurry like Regina was.
She ate the sandwich in her car on the parking lot and looked out of the window while doing so. She had always liked observing other people and see where they were going. But on this particular afternoon, she was almost cured entirely of her habit of observing other people when a blond woman walked right past her car. The woman's golden hair danced behind her in the wind, and Regina almost choked on the sandwich. She was mere seconds away from jumping out of the car and pursue the blond woman when she came to the realization that it was not Emma.
Of course it wasn't Emma. She needed to stop being so ridiculous. That woman didn't even look like Emma in the slightest. The only resemblance between them was the hair color.
Regina took a deep breath. Now she mostly just wanted to throw the sandwich away. Her stomach cramped.
She saw Emma everywhere.
Emma was not coming for her.
Why would she?
Why would she be the slightest bit interested in pursuing Regina when Regina had been so cruel to her? Breaking contact with her without even giving a proper explanation as to why.
Regina sighed. She had to let this go. She had to let go of Emma Swan.
But she had no idea how.
She got out of the car and threw the rest of the sandwich into a nearby bin. She felt awful for throwing away food, but she couldn't have forced another bite down...
Two hours later, Regina made it to her destination, and her heart immediately felt a little lighter when she parked in front of the log house by the little lake. She had always been happy here. She had always been able to breathe here.
Regina opened the car door and stepped into the crisp air. The temperature was dropping again, and she pulled the coat a little tighter around herself as she walked up to the house. She reached within her coat pocket and found the key. Inserted it into the lock and twisted it around. The door opened with a creak, and Regina stepped inside. She flipped the switch by the door and the little hallway was immediately bathed in light. The first thing Regina noticed was that it was toasty warm in here, and she smiled in gratitude. Mr. Edwards, the elderly gentleman who had a spare key to the place had clearly turned on the heating for her. Simply because she texted him to alert him that she would be coming up here. So if he saw light in the windows, he shouldn't worry. It was just her. That was awfully kind of him. Mr. Edwards was a delightful grandfather type who had been their neighbor up here for years was an absolute sweetheart when it came to looking after the place when Regina or Zelena were unable to.
Regina trusted Mr. Edwards completely. He had known her father, and the two of them had often gone on fishing trips together or enjoyed a beer up here. When her father died, Mr. Edwards had been one of the first people Regina had called. He had been as shocked as her over Henry Sr's sudden passing. And the day after Regina had been rushed to hospital due to the danger of miscarrying because of the shock, Mr. Edwards had suddenly shown up with his arms full of white lilies. Regina had been touched over his sweet gesture, and the two of them had had a good talk about everything.
Regina went back outside, and on her way to the car, she checked the mailbox. And exactly as expected, she found a folded note from Mr. Edwards saying: 'Dear Regina, how wonderful it is that you are back up here after your long absence. I am dreadfully sorry that I couldn't be there to welcome you back, but let me know when you will be back again. Then we will have a beer together. Best regards, Mr. Edwards.'.
Regina smiled. A beer with Mr. Edwards wouldn't be half-bad. She stuck her hand further inside the mailbox and found the spare key. She had expected that too. Mr. Edwards always left the key in the mailbox when she was coming. And she always left it in his when she was leaving. That was their system. It worked excellently.
Regina slipped the spare key inside her pocket and then continued over to the car. She hauled out the big cooling bag and huffed slightly. It was heavy. Very heavy. Good thing she wasn't going far with it.
She wasn't sure her arms could have handled that.
Coming back inside the log house, Regina carefully wiped her boots on the mat before continuing inside the little kitchen. In there she sat the heavy cooling back down on the table and then went back outside to the car to fetch the overnight bag containing the few garments she had packed for her trip. She wasn't staying long, so she hadn't packed much. And casual clothing only. This was no place to run around in pencil skirts or crisp blouses.
She brought the bag inside the log house. Dropped it briefly to the floor and locked the front door. First she twisted the key in the lock and gave the door knob a good jiggle to ensure that it was properly locked. The heavy door didn't budge an inch, but just to soothe her mind, Regina also deadbolted it and slid the door chain into its correct place. There was no such thing as being 'too safe', Regina thought to herself. And Zelena would appreciate it.
Oh. Speaking of Zelena.
Regina found her phone in her coat pocket and unlocked it. Tapped the camera icon once and switched on the front camera. Then she took a picture of herself smiling and giving a thumbs up. By the door with all its security installments. Not entirely accidental. Underneath the picture she wrote: 'arrived. Safe and sound.' Then she sent it to Zelena and felt very satisfied with herself. She hoped that Zelena would be that too.
She slipped of her coat and left it on the hanger. Then she brought her phone into the kitchen where she plugged it into the charger she always kept her. She had promised Zelena that her phone would be charged all the time, and she was intending on keeping that promise.
Regina took the overnight bag upstairs. Dumped it on the bed and unzipped it. Found her comfortable, grey sweatpants and the oversize purple t-shirt Malena had gifted her with for her 30th birthday.
There was a huge silhouette of a dragon across the chest, and written underneath was the text: 'I FLY WITH DRAGONS'. An old joke between them, and Regina had been exactly drunk enough to find the joke amusing. And even though the t-shirt definitely wasn't something she ever would have chosen, Regina couldn't imagine to get rid of it. It had been a gift. And it had been from Malena. That was reason enough never to get rid of the shirt.
She unzipped her skirt, slid the thin stockings down her legs and traded the garments for the soft, grey sweatpants. Then she loosened the scarf around her neck, took it off and unbuttoned her white button up. Once she had ridded herself of that item too, she elegantly folded it and left it on the bed. She would stuff it into the bag later. Not the closet. She had promised Zelena (and herself) that she would not look inside the closet.
As an afterthought, Regina reached behind her and unclasped her bra. Why keep wearing it? She wasn't going anywhere. And the straps had been digging into her shoulders slightly. Once rid of the undergarment, she slipped the dragon t-shirt over her head. Made a face when it ended up rubbing against the plaster on her throat and making it pull slightly against the skin. That damn plaster.
Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad to be rid of it.
Coming back downstairs, Regina first checked her phone. Zelena had sent her a big thumbs up and the wish that she got some sleep tonight.
Regina wished that too.
She grabbed the cooling bag and unzipped it. Open the fridge, which thanks to Mr. Edwards was up and running, and began to put the few groceries away. Stopped momentarily when she spotted that Mr. Edwards had left a surprise for her in the fridge. A bottle of champagne. Goodness. That couldn't have been cheap. She would have to send him a gift basket as a thank you.
After having stored the groceries away in the fridge, Regina went inside the living room and switched on the lights. Drew all the curtains except for one. She liked looking at the lake. Got the fireplace going. Now what? She was here, but what should she... do? She had brought her laptop, so she could always do some work. But had she really come here to work? She could always pour herself a glass of the champagne Mr. Edwards so kindly had left for her. But it was a little early for alcohol. Perhaps later.
Regina's eyes wandered to the shelf underneath the television. A movie then. Yes. That was an excellent idea. She had quite the decent movie collection up here. Lots of classicals. Lots of Alfred Hitchcock.
But she wasn't really in the mood for Alfred Hitchcock. Not when she was up here on her own. Deadbolted door or not, she was still paranoid, and watching a suspense movie would hardly do anything good for her attempt at being away on her own for the first time. She needed a feel good movie.
She padded over to the shelf and crouched down. Let the tip of her finger run over the movies until she found the perfect one. 'All That Heaven Allows' with Rock Hudson and Jane Wyman. One of her favorites. Regina had always been a sucker for a romantic movie. And a sucker for a good age-gap movie. She popped the movie inside the DVD player and quickly contemplated whether or not she should be making herself a snack. She ended up deciding that it was too early for that too, but she did make herself a nice, soothing cup of chamomile tea. Apparently, it was supposed to make you sleepy.
Regina very much doubted so, but she was willing to try anything. Then she made herself comfortable in the couch, patiently waiting to see Rock Hudson's Ron Kirby seduce Jane Wyman's Cary Scott. The autumnal opening sequence instantly soothed her mind, and Regina tugged her legs up under her in the couch...
The story about chamomile tea working as a sleeping powder had to be some kind of old wives tale.
Regina was still very much awake when the movie was over. Not even the slightest bit sleepy. But she was hungry. It was time for dinner. She took the empty tea cup with her into the kitchen, rinsed it and left it to dry. Then she made herself a simple dinner. A salad with olive and avocados and tomatoes. And feta cheese. One of her 'guilty pleasures'. As she stood there with her bowl of salad in her hands, she wondered what to do now. Maybe another movie? Or perhaps a series? Just one episode. Yes. That was a good idea.
She returned to the living room, armed with her bowl of salad and thought to herself that she was breaking all the rules up here. Eating in the living room and all.
Regina sat down on the couch and sat her bowl of salad down as she picked up the remote control and pressed the 'Netflix'-button. She was searching for a series to watch when she realized that she hadn't even had the urge to cry yet. Strange. That was what she had planned on doing up here, so why wasn't she? Why wasn't she bawling her eyes out like she had intended?
Maybe it was this place. Maybe she was so much at peace here, she didn't even have to cry.
Perhaps she should just stay here forever then.
No. Of course not.
She couldn't do that.
She was only here for a few days. Then she would go home. And she would feel so much better. She would!
Regina forced herself to believe that was the case, and then she chose a series. The Cable Girls. Another of her favorites. Regina had always loved historical series. And this was a great way to brush up on
her Spanish. Watching television could be educational. Regina switched off the subtitles. No cheating. Now she just had to listen carefully. Try to understand as much of it as she possibly could. This was the only way she could brush up on her skills since she wouldn't be speaking Spanish again.
Well, at least she wouldn't if she chose not to have that second surgery. Right now, she was rather leaning towards 'no'. Too much pain. Too much liquid diet. Too much time spend away from her son.
And there wasn't even any guarantees that the surgery was going to work.
Oh well. It wasn't imminent. She didn't have to decide anything yet. The wound on her throat still needed to heel up some more. The healing process took a long a time, but that was because the skin on her neck was delicate. Or so the doctor had said.
Regina stuffed an olive inside her mouth and concentrated on the show...
She ended up watching four and not one episode. And by the time she finally switched off the television, the bowl was empty, but her mind still wide awake. Unfortunately.
Now she had most definitely deserved a glass of champagne.
Regina ventured into the kitchen and found the bottle in the fridge. Popped it open with a bang and poured herself a glass of the sparkling liquid. Took a sip. It tasted good. Sweet and crispy. Perhaps this was exactly what she needed. Should she draw herself a nice, hot bath and enjoy the glass of champagne while soaking in the tub?
No. She could do that tomorrow. First thing. That would be a treat. With only one bathroom in Zelena's house and a ten year old who often banged on the door, there wasn't a lot of opportunity to take a bath, and certainly not a long one. But oh, how she would do that tomorrow. A hot bath while watching the sun rise.
For now, Regina decided that she would be retiring for the evening. A glass of champagne and then straight to bed with her book. She had brought Long Distance Coffee by Emma Sterner-Radley for the occasion. Another comfort read. She was looking forward to re-reading it in bed with a nice glass of champagne.
She turned to walk up the stairs, but halfway there, she paused, turned around and then snatched the bottle of champagne. Perhaps she would be wanting another glass of champagne, and then it would be a shame having to walk all the way downstairs to fetch the bottle. It was much smarter to take the bottle upstairs.
Regina left her phone in the kitchen. There certainly wasn't any reason to bring that upstairs. Too many distractions. She didn't want to end up doing mindless scrolling instead of doing what she had intended to do. Reading.
The old staircase creaked as she went upstairs, but oddly enough she did still not feel like bursting into tears. Should she feel worried about that? Why the hell couldn't she cry when she spent the past three weeks crying herself to sleep?
Perhaps she had reached some kind of state of numbness.
She wasn't sure whether that was good or bad.
Of course it was a good thing not feeling like bursting into tears any longer.
But she had felt numb once before. In the hospital. She hadn't been able to feel anything. Which hadn't been nice at all.
Was she perhaps starting to accept the situation?
God. That was even worse.
It had only been three weeks. She couldn't possibly have moved on yet.
Regina scoffed to herself as she walked into the little hallway. This was a new level of self-torture. Not wanting to forget even though that would be the best thing.
She made it inside her bedroom and briefly sat the glass of champagne down on the little nightstand so she could pull the bedspread aside. Then she found her book and reading glasses. Now she was ready to go to bed. There was no reason to change out of the shirt and sweatpants. It could double as pajamas for the night. She drew the curtains and switched on the nightlight.
But as she turned around to switch off the big light, she caught a glimpse of something peaking out from her closet. Something... white.
A massive lump formed in her throat, and she instantaneously reached for the glass of champagne. Took a large sip of the alcohol.
She had promised herself not to look in the closet.
She had promised Zelena not to look in the closet.
She knew that looking in the closet wouldn't be good for her.
But it was right there. Peeking out from her closet and practically attacking her eyes.
Regina WANTED to see it. Why she could not explain. Perhaps it was another part of the self-torturing trip she was on. But she had to see it. She had to look at it. Confront it, somehow.
She took another large gulp of champagne. Sat the glass down on the nightstand and went over to the closet. Reached out and touched the white peeking out from it.
The material felt stiff. Familiar, and at the same time not at all.
Regina took a deep breath and pulled the closet door wide open.
There it was. So innocently and prettily sitting on a hanger just waiting to be worn.
Her wedding dress.
Pristine and white.
Covered in blood only she could see.
Terrible.
The sight hit her like a sucker punch right to the gut. The pristine white color made every part that Killian had ever touched, hurt.
Every old wound re-opened. Every old spots of pain flared up immediately.
She reached for the glass of champagne. Found the bottle instead. Decided that it would get the job done just as good. She brought it up to her mouth and drank champagne straight from the bottle.
The dress was still assaulting her eyes, and as she clutched the neck of the bottle, Regina looked at it. Really looked at it.
It was snow-white. Made of a very shiny fabric with lots of glitter on the bodice. Mermaid silhouette. An extremely low neckline that almost came all the way down to her navel. The sides of her breasts had been completely visible. The dress had an open back too. Almost all the way down to her buttocks. And a huge slit up the left leg.
It had been too much.
Bordering on inappropriate.
Regina had felt more naked than dressed when wearing the gown.
It hadn't been her style at all.
But she had purchased it anyway.
Because Killian had told her to.
Because he wanted his bride to look hot.
'What's wrong, love? Don't you want to look sexy for your husband?'
And Regina did. But not like that.
She hadn't dared telling him.
Because he had been in such a good mood that day.
And it would have been a shame to ruin it.
It was easier to agree with him.
Easier to pretend.
Regina lifted the bottle of champagne and took a large gulp of the alcohol.
God, she hated that dress.
With her entire being.
It was a symbol of everything that had been wrong in her life.
She had always imagined her wedding dress to be classy and timeless with just a hint of playfulness to it.
This dress was exactly the opposite of that.
Regina sat the bottle of champagne down and yanked the dress of its hanger. It fell to the floor and ended up as a puddle of shiny white.
She hadn't given her wedding dress many thoughts. At some point she had considered selling it. She had only worn the dress once. It was as good as new.
But now as she looked at it, she knew that she could never sell it.
She couldn't even return it.
Because then some other bride would purchase it.
She couldn't let that happen.
She couldn't let a happy woman by this dress and wear it on her wedding day. It wouldn't be right. Regina was certain that if someone else was to wear this dress, she would feel the echo of the fear Regina had been feeling when she wore this dress and Killian stood behind her and told her how sexy she was.
This dress was laced with fear.
Sown with horror.
Applicated with distress.
She picked up the dress and held it between two fingers. Looked at it.
She had to be rid of it.
For good.
She never wanted to see it again.
She never wanted to acknowledge that it even had existed.
And to do that, she had to make it disappear.
For good.
Regina methodically spread the dress wide on the bedroom floor so she could see the entirety of the dress. If it hadn't been because it would be waste of good champagne, she would have poured the alcohol all over the dress and watched how pristine white turned mattered and blotchy.
But there were better ways to make a dress disappear.
Much better ways.
Regina went into the bathroom and found a pair of scissors. To make sure the tool worked she cut into the towel on the hanger. The scissor worked perfectly.
She returned to the bedroom. Took her glass of champagne and sat down on the floor. Took another large sip of the champagne. Her head was starting to feel a little floaty. But maybe that was a good thing considering what she was about to do.
But she doubted that she would regret in the morning though.
If anything, this would only make her feel better.
She slipped her thumb and middle finger through the hoops in the scissor. And then she started cutting. Through the shiny, white fabric that made it out for the bottom of the dress. It had been unbelievably tight.
Snip, snip, snip, went the scissors.
Rip, rip, rip, went the dress.
Snip, snip, snip, snip.
Rip, rip, rip, rip.
God, that felt good.
But perhaps cutting the dress a little slower would feel even better?
Regina tried it.
Snip. Snii-iiip. Snip.
Rip. Rii-iiip. Rip.
Hearing the dress tear and seeing the bottom of it opening and becoming two halves was possibly the most satisfying thing ever. It almost made her feel euphoric.
She celebrated that by topping off her glass of champagne. She spilled a few drops on the dress, but what the hell did it matter? The dress was ruined anyway. And not just because of what she was doing to it right now.
Champagne wasn't the only thing spilling. Her cheeks were wet.
She was crying.
Finally.
No more numbness.
But these tears felt different. Cathartic, almost.
There was some kind of relief connected to these tears.
Relief over ridding herself over yet another thing from her past.
This was not her wedding dress.
And it never had been.
Regina went to work more eagerly than before.
Snip-snip-snip.
Rip-rip-rip.
Snip-snip-snip.
Rip-rip-rip.
She cut into the bodice, and the delicate white pearls and million little sequins landed on the floor with a soft jingling sound. She would have to vacuum those away tomorrow. Otherwise she would be stepping pearls into the carpet for weeks.
Snip-snip-snip.
Rip-rip-rip.
More champagne sliding down her throat. More tears spilling from her eyes.
Snip-snip-snip.
Rip. Riiiiiip. Rip.
Regina smiled through her tears. Euphoria was sizzling through her veins.
She became more and more eager as she cut through her wedding dress, and twice the scissor almost slipped. She reminded herself to be more careful. Champagne was one thing, but she was not interested in spilling blood on this dress.
That would be a little too symbolic.
She downed the champagne in one go. Now her head was really floaty.
Regina was drunk.
She couldn't remember the last time she had been drunk. Like, properly drunk.
It felt good. Extremely satisfying.
As satisfying as slicing up her wedding dress was.
She had been meaning to get rid of the dress. She just hadn't considered to do it like this.
But now she was glad she had.
Snip! Snip! Snip! Snip!
Rip! Rip! Rip! Rip!
Riiip! Riiip! Riiip!
Music to her ears. Balm to her soul.
When the dress effectively had been split into two halves, Regina put the scissors away and admired her work. That would never become a wedding dress again.
Good.
But she still wasn't entirely satisfied, though.
She needed... more.
Needed to do something. Physically. Not just with the scissors although they had served her well.
Experimentally, Regina took a fistful of the dress and yanked as hard as she could.
RIIIIITSCH!
Perfect.
What a glorious sound.
Regina celebrated it with another glass of champagne. And then she did it again.
RIIIIITSCH!
And again.
RIIIIITSCH!
A sip of champagne. Another fistful of fabric.
RIIIIITSCH!
Sip of champagne. Fistful of fabric.
RIIIIITSCH!
Again.
RIIIIITSCH!
And again.
RIIIIITSCH!
Magnificent.
But the bodice was made of fabric that was slightly more layered. She couldn't rip it with her hands. Regina swiftly grabbed the scissors and eagerly and began cutting randomly in what once had been a tight bodice. No more. No more! Snip-snip-snip wen the scissor, easily eating through the fabric as though it was made of butter. When she had cut the bodice to pieces, she saw no reason why she shouldn't continue with the skirt. Although it was already plenty ripped, she still could cause more havoc. And she did. The sharp scissor sliced through the skirt, but this time she cut the fabric into tiny little pieces rather than just hacking away. Once or twice, the scissor slipped between her eager fingers, but that was okay now. There was barely any dress left to bleed on.
Snip-snip-snip-snip-snip! Snip-snip-snip-snip-snip!
Regina rewarded herself with gulps of champagne in between each snip. Her therapist had told her that it was important to reward herself. And to gradually let go of the past. Well. Right now she was doing both!
By the time Regina was done, the wedding dress had been turned into tiny little pieces that lied scattered all around her, the champagne bottle was empty, and she was stupidly, ridiculously drunk. Her head was spinning as she sat there surrounded by the tiny little pieces that once had been her wedding dress. She was pink cheeked and bright eyed from drinking.
A parody on an avenging angel.
She was almost satisfied.
Almost.
But not quite.
Regina carefully gathered all the tiny little wedding-dress-pieces in her hands and bravely went down the stairs. A rather stupid act considering how much she had drunken tonight.
But she made it downstairs in one piece and stomped into the living room on legs that wobbled slightly under her. The flames were still flickering merrily in the fireplace, and without hesitation, Regina threw the tiny pieces of fabric into the flames.
The fireplace huffed and puffed as though protesting, but the flames willingly swallowed the snow-white pieces of fabric.
And Regina exhaled a long break as she stood and watched what essentially was the funeral of her wedding dress. It felt good. It felt fucking fantastic! And she felt awfully inspired. Had the strongest urge
to ruin something else. Anything that reminded her of Killian Jones and all the misery he had caused her.
She stalked over too the bookshelf and plucked out one of the many photo albums Zelena had created for her over the years. She hastily opened it. Saw pictures of herself on her 30th birthday. God, how happy she looked. Her smile was so natural. So open.
She flicked a few pages forward until she found something that made her stomach lurch slightly. Her engagement party. She was wearing the strapless grey dress. Her hair was a bit longer. She was standing side by side with Killian who was smiling at the camera with one arm around her waist. A sweet gesture? Or the first display of possessiveness? There was something stale about her smile.
Something forced. Although he had not yet started beating her at that point, there was definitely a hint of panic in her eyes. The slightest hesitation. The faintest hint that she knew even then that something was wrong. The contrast between this smile and the way she was smiling on her 30th birthday was stark.
Showing no hesitation whatsoever, Regina methodically ripped the pictures from her engagement party out of photo album. Every single one of them. It ruined the album, but she did not care about that.
Her hands did not shake as she threw the pictures into the fire. The flames immediately swallowed them whole. Ate them greedily and made Killian Jones' smirking face disappear.
Regina wiped a few tears away from her cheeks and smiled as she looked at the flames. This didn't magically fix everything, but it did feel good.
This was her place. Her log house she had been playing in as a little girl. She deserved to have this place to herself. Killian Jones had no business being here.
And tonight she had effectively gotten rid of physical evidence that he ever had been.
No more wedding dress.
No more engagement pictures.
Poof, poof.
Up in flames they went.
Perhaps she WAS some kind of avenging angel and not just a parody.
Or perhaps she was just drunk and needed to lie down.
But before doing so, she went into the kitchen where she found her phone still plugged into the charger. The screen was lightening up. Zelena had sent her two messages. One about twenty minutes ago asking what she was doing. And then again two minutes ago asking if she was okay. She was clearly concerned because Regina hadn't answered the first message she had sent twenty minutes ago.
Regina had been busy slicing up a dress twenty minutes ago.
But she wasn't any longer, so she quickly sent her sister a text: 'I'm fine going to bed.' Something about the text didn't sit quite right with her, but she was too tired to figure out what it was. And besides, the response came quickly.
'Oh, okay. Are you sure you're okay though?'
'Yes I'm fine just really tirered goodnight.'
'Okay. Goodnight. Sleep well, little sis.'
'Gooodnight zee'
Regina left it with that and took the phone with her when she went upstairs.
She went straight to bed. Ignored champagne glass and bottle and the little glittering pearls on the floor. Seriously, she had to vacuum those tomorrow. She let out a deep breath and closed her eyes. For the first time in three weeks she felt better. Ruining the wedding dress had been the right choice to make. And it had felt fucking fantastic. It had almost given her a rush of sorts. A great big middle finger to Killian Jones.
Regina rumbled tiredly to herself and enjoyed the way her head was spinning. She couldn't remember the last time she had been this drunk.
Regina curled up under the covers and for the first time in three weeks she fell asleep immediately...
When she woke up the following morning, it was with a heavy, thumping head but a light feeling in her chest. She did not regret what she had done last night one bit.
Regina sat up in bed and scrambled to find her phone. Was both surprised and delighted when she saw the time. 10 AM. She had slept for longer than she had in three weeks. And she had slept uninterrupted.
It could have been the champagne.
But Regina chose to believe it was because of the cathartic experience it had been to ruin her wedding dress last night.
No, she didn't regret it one bit.
The only thing she regretted a little bit was the ridiculous texts she had sent to Zelena last night. Riddled with grammatical errors and lacking punctuation marks. And she was supposed to be an English professor. Ha.
Zelena had sent her quite a few texts this morning too. One at five am where Regina typically was up. One again at seven asking if she still was asleep. One at eight asking if everything was okay. And then again at eight forty seven asking if she should drive up there.
God. Regina's lack of communication had clearly unnerved Zelena. Regina immediately felt a little guilty, and she hastily sent her sister a text: 'Good morning. I'm sorry for not texting, but I have been asleep until now. Please don't tell me you're on the way up here. I'm fine. Everything is fine.'
It did not take a long time before there was an answer from Zelena. 'Thank god! You made me all worried. Have you really been asleep until now? That is amazing! Did you take extra melatonin like we talked about?'
Well. Not exactly. Regina rubbed her throbbing head slightly. Then she answered the text from her sister. 'No, actually I got drunk.'
'You did? Well, that explains the texts you sent me. How drunk? And on what? You didn't bring any alcohol, did you?'
Regina huffed. Of course she hadn't brought any alcohol with her. She hadn't planned on getting druk until she saw the wedding dress. 'I got exceedingly drunk on champagne left in the fridge by Mr. Edwards. I drank the whole bottle.'
'You did not!'
'I did. And I also ruined my wedding dress. While drunk.'
'Ruined how?'
Regina scoffed to herself. The whole nine yards. 'With a scissor. I sliced it in half and then cut it into smaller pieces. And then I threw the pieces into the fireplace. So. There's that.'
'Oh. Wow. Okay then. Did it make you feel any better?'
'Yes. Very much so. I know it would have been a better idea to sell it, but I just couldn't. The idea of someone else wearing it made me feel sick.'
'It was your dress, sis. Your decision. I'm not judging you. If fucking it up and throwing the pieces into the fireplace made you sleep through the night, then I say good for you!'
'It really did make me feel so much better.'
'Good! That is the most important thing! How is the head doing?'
'Not very well. But it was worth it. How is Henry? Did you get him send off to school alright?'
'Of course. Happy, well-fed, well-dressed and with his homework all done. Nick is coming home with him after school. They'll be doing homework together.'
'That sounds good. Has he been asking for me?'
'No, just joking about whether you're getting some cleaning done. And I guess he's not entirely wrong about that, is he?'
Regina rumbled. 'No, he is not. I have done some cleaning.' She had indeed. A very unorthodox type of cleaning, but nevertheless a very required one.
'Good for you, sis. I hope this will make you sleep better during the night.'
'I hope so too.' Regina certainly would keep her fingers crossed. At least she knew that she was capable of sleeping through the night without any nightmares. She still chose to believe that it was because of what she had done to the wedding dress and not because of the champagne she had consumed.
It definitely had to be because of the cathartic experience of getting rid of her wedding dress. And a part of her dark past.
She slowly rose from bed and rubbed her throbbing head again. Then she sighed. The floor was covered in a billion little pearls and sequins. God, what a mess. She had to clean that. But she couldn't bear the thought of vacuuming when her head hurt this much. Instead she remembered one of her plans from last night. To take a hot bath. She had definitely deserved that after the hard work she had done last night.
Regina carefully picked up the empty bottle and abandoned champagne glass. To think that she had drunk a whole bottle of champagne. That was insane. But apparently she had needed it. And it wasn't often that she drank alcohol. And she certainly never drank a whole bottle of alcohol. That was just a culmination of these past three horrible weeks with Liam on the loose and the breakup with Emma.
No. Now she was getting ahead of herself again. It had not been a breakup. Because it had not been a relationship. Not really. Emma had not been her girlfriend. Not even close to.
And she should not be thinking about that. It would only make her upset. And she didn't want to be. Not when she for once had woken up without the urge to cry her eyes out. Regina went into the bathroom and filled the tub. She was looking forward to her bath...
She did sleep better on the first night after coming home from the log house. Without consuming a bottle of champagne. She slept from eleven to seven. A huge improvement. She was delighted. And so was Zelena.
The intention had been to go to bed early the following night and see how long she would be able to sleep.
But she was prevented from doing so when she suddenly heard noise outside.
Regina looked up. She had been sitting and reading on the couch. Zelena was staying over at Chad's place for the night, so it was just Regina home. And Henry too of course. But he had gone to bed hours
earlier, so it did feel like she was home alone.
There was a knock on the door, and Regina startled and clutched her book a little tighter. She was not expecting anyone. Zelena was not expecting anyone. So who was knocking on the door at this hour?
Regina knew better than to open the door. She was not an idiot. Instead she crept into the dark hallway and peered out through the tinted glass. She could definitely see someone. A figure. But who?
Regina grew anxious. Should she call the police?
"Can't we at least talk about this?"
The breath hitched in Regina's chest.
Emma.
It was Emma right outside the door.
Emma knocking.
Emma wanting to talk to her.
Emma had found her.
"God damn it! I didn't mean it like that!" she yelped. "I meant; can't we at least c-c-communicate? Like we used to? Please?"
Another knock.
Regina's hand automatically wandered towards the doorknob. But then she remembered that she could not let Emma in. If she did, she made Emma a target.
"At least tell me what I've done wrong," Emma whispered behind the door and her voice broke. "Please. I don't understand what I've done to upset you!"
Regina leaned heavily against the door and started crying. God, she wanted nothing more than to let Emma in. But she couldn't. Because it was too dangerous.
"I'm s-sorry," Emma whispered, and Regina was certain that she was crying too.
"For whatever I said or done, I'm really, really sorry! I wish... I wish we could have at least stayed friends or something, but I guess I must have really messed up with you. Yeah. I do that a lot. I suppose I should have seen this coming because I can never hold on to anything good, and I always destroy everything I touch. At least that's what my adoptive mother always said, and I guess she was right about that."
Regina bit her lip so hard she could taste blood in her mouth. She dug her nails into her palms until thick liquid started dripping from them. She had to in order to not either open the door or pound her hands against them at the injustice of it all.
"I'm sorry," Emma croaked behind the door. "I'm really, really sorry! I know I'm an idiot for being here, okay? But I can't... I can't get you out of my head, and I KNOW that's fucking stupid because we only went on three dates, and... I don't know, I suppose I just... really fell for-" she did not finish the sentence. She didn't need to.
Regina pressed a hand against the door and the other against her mouth. Out of habit. She had become so used to muffling her cries and make sure nobody heard them.
Now nobody COULD hear them.
Least of all Emma behind the door. Regina's heart shattered all over again. She could hear shuffling from outside and dared peering through the tinted glass to see what was going on. Had Emma fallen? If that was the case, Regina HAD to open the door. She couldn't let Emma lay injured out there. Any excuse to open the door.
But Emma wasn't injured. It looked more like she was leaving something on the porch.
"You once said that you wanted to read my stuff," Emma mumbled. And then Regina saw the silhouette of her disappear down the road. Where was she going? Why was she leaving already?
Please don't leave.
Please come back.
I've fallen for you too.
But Emma did not come back. Instead she disappeared around the corner, and once Regina was completely sure that she was gone, she unlocked the door and retrieved the thing Emma had left on the porch. It was pages. Many pages.
Regina closed the door and locked it. Then she went upstairs to her bedroom and switched on the lights so she could see what it was.
It was a manuscript.
'A Tap On The Shoulder' written by Emma Swan.
There had to be at least a hundred and fifty pages here.
Regina sat down heavily on the bed and started to read the words Emma had written.
It was a story about two women meeting on a train.
Willa. Running away from a strained relationship with her parents. A bit tired of everything, but still curious.
Helena. Mysterious and silent but with an open, warm smile.
Regina started crying again.
Them.
Emma was writing about them.
She was writing about meeting HER.
Regina's throat ached because of the sob she couldn't let out. The sob that forever would be stuck.
She did not get any sleep that night either.
She stayed up and read about Willa and Helena. And with each chapter she read, another tiny little piece of her heart broke off and crumbled to dust in her chest...
To Be Continued...