Four AM.
Regina was still wide awake and sitting up in bed. Knees drawn into her chest and forehead resting on her knees. Her lower back was cramping, but Regina did not move. She couldn't. Right now, focusing on breathing slow and steadily took up all her effort. She felt sick to her stomach. It felt like Emma's words earlier had punched a hole in her chest. And now that hole was bleeding and leaving her unable to move. Or sleep.
And she was bleeding because of the text she had forced herself to send to Emma hours earlier. 'Emma, I meant what I texted you a few weeks ago. We shouldn't see each other anymore. Don't contact me again. Just stay away from me.'
It had hurt. It had hurt so bloody much she had wept silently and punched her pillow again and again. She was being a cold hearted bitch.
But she had to. It was essential that Emma stayed away from her. Otherwise Regina could not protect her. She had to be cold.
She felt sick to her stomach. Physically ill over throwing away one of the best things that had happened to her in a very long time. Physically ill over causing even more hurt.
She was surprised that her pajamas wasn't covered in blood oozing from the hole in her chest.
But there was no hole. No wound. Only one of those that were invisible.
Five AM.
Still awake. Her lower back was still cramping. She should move. She really should. If she didn't, her back would be as good as ruined tomorrow. With trouble, Regina lifted her head and winced at the way her neck went 'pop' when she moved. She unfolded her legs and rubbed her thigh in an attempt to soothe an aching muscle. Then she rose from the bed. Went over to the window and lifted the curtain to look out.
Blackness. Nothing. Of course.
What had she expected? That Emma Swan would be standing outside and throwing little rocks at her window whilst pleading with her to come outside?
This was not a fairytale. This was reality. And reality was cruel, Regina knew that. She released the curtain and turned her back on the window. Her stomach cramped. Badly. And she was developing a headache. A bad one. It seemed like a migraine this time. Regina had had a few of them ever since her father died, and it had become more frequent since she woke up in the hospital. Obviously. PTSD had many faces. Regina rubbed her arms. She was cold. Shivering. The kind of cold that left you unable to get warm no matter how hard you tried. The kind of cold that came from within. Regina rubbed her temples. That really hurt. As did her stomach. Pain was radiating from that spot where Killian kicked her on that terrible night. There was only a faded mark on her abdomen now, but sometimes it felt like she hadn't healed completely.
She swallowed thickly and looked back at her unmade bed. She supposed she should go back and try to get some sleep. But she couldn't. If she closed her eyes, she would see Emma Swan's face, she could hear her cry while spilling apologies for something she had no guilt in, and she couldn't bear that.
She felt terrible. She made herself feel sick and nauseous. If only she had said no to going out with Emma Swan. That would have been better for everyone.
At 05:30, she gave up and went downstairs. More or less collapsed in the couch and pulled one of Zelena's many colorful blankets over herself. She was completely exhausted, but she could not sleep. Her head was pounding, and the sliver of confidence it had given her to burn her wedding dress, went up in flames.
So she had burned a wedding dress. And so what? What did it matter? It didn't change anything. She was still as damaged as ever. Emma Swan still hurt because of what she had done to her. And Liam Jones was still out there in the darkness, lurking somewhere.
Regina shivered and pulled the blanket a little tighter around herself as though she was trying to protect herself even though it wouldn't be necessary. Liam was not allowed to come near her. Now as she sat here in the dark, quiet living room, she couldn't help but think about him. Liam Jones. Killian's younger brother. Killian had once described him as the 'dreamer' of the Jones family. The 'seeker'.
Regina definitely did not agree with that description at all. Liam Jones was no seeker. He was just a bad boy who had never grown out of his bad behavior. But she had never perceived him as dangerous until he started to threaten Emma. When he was seventeen, Liam got in trouble with the police for stealing a car and driving around in it for a couple of hours. He got out of it scout free because of his young age, but when he was nineteen, he was arrested for drunk driving and spent a month behind bars. At twenty two, the police came for Liam yet again when he started a fight in a bar and ended up smashing a bottle over a man's head. That costed him four months behind bars. Furthermore, Liam had never been able to uphold a job. Never had a steady income, and never had a stabile place to live. He constantly got mixed up with the 'wrong types', and Regina couldn't count the times he had phoned Killian in the middle of the night. Nor could she count the times Killian had gotten out of bed and drove off to get him out of yet another pickle.
Regina supposed she could have felt sorry for Liam. Of course he had been struggling because of his upbringing. Because of how he and Killian's father had hurt the whole family by beating their mother. That sort of thing left an imprint on you as an adult.
But Regina was unable to feel sorry for Liam Jones. And not just because of what he was doing to Emma.
An evening, Liam had been visiting Regina and Killian in their home. Killian had gone to the bathroom, leaving Regina and Liam to entertain each other for a moment. Of course Liam had used the polite standard 'so how is everything'-routine, and Regina who had felt particularly pressured because Killian had expected her to cook something nice for his brother, had ended up saying that things were good but would be even better if Killian's temper didn't always get the best of him.
Liam's response? 'Ah, well, you know Killian, R'gina. He prefers when things goes his way. Just make sure they do, and you'll be fine.'
A chuckle had followed the statement, but at the same time he had been giving her a look suggesting that he would tell Killian what she had said.
Fearing the repercussions, Regina had kept quiet for the rest of the night.
That had been two weeks before Killian attacked her.
And if Liam had reacted differently, he could have been able to prevent it.
He could have saved her.
She had reached out.
And he had rejected her.
Perhaps she hadn't said 'help me' directly, but she had said enough to make any decent person ask her to elaborate. Anyone would have found it puzzling and possibly alarming that she was expressing concern about her fiancée's temper and how he wasn't always able to control it.
But not Liam.
He had been as cold as ice.
As unwilling to help her as a brick wall would have been.
Later on, Regina had started to suspect that Liam had been perfectly aware of how Killian had treated her. He had just chosen to turn the blind eye. He had chosen to pretend not to know. Loyal to his brother no matter what.
Something wet and warm trickling between her fingers brought Regina back to reality. She blinked. Realized that thinking about the past had caused her to scratch at the red lines on her neck. And now one of them were bleeding. Oh no.
As quiet as a mouse, Regina crept up the stairs and tiptoed through the hallway. It was too early for everyone to wake up, and Regina would be damned if she ended up waking anyone this early. Least of all Zelena. She had been so excited when she heard that Regina had slept through the night in the log house. She didn't want to ruin everything by revealing to her sister that they were back to square one again.
Regina made it to the bathroom, and as quietly as possibly, she locked the door behind her. Then she walked over to the mirror and looked at her reflection. She looked terrible. That wasn't even to be hard on herself, that was just a simple fact. She silently wondered how Henry managed not to get scared of her when he was confronted with her sunken in eyes with the deep, dark circles underneath them. She looked like a skeleton.
Then she remembered what she was supposed to do and wetted a cotton bud under the cold tap before holding against the bleeding line on her neck. This could not happen again. She could risk getting an infection if she scratched again.
At 06:15 the first text arrived.
Regina was back on the couch, watching The Great British Bakeoff with no sound, and she startled when her phone suddenly pinged. She grabbed the device and muted quickly, terrified that the sound had awakened someone upstairs. Her plan had been to watch this episode and then quietly retire to her bedroom again. And staying in there while waiting for the rest of her family to wake up. She didn't want anyone to know that she hadn't been sleeping all night. And she wasn't even sure she would tell Zelena about Emma Swan's visit last night. What good would it do? Just thinking about it made her feel upset, so she could vividly imagine how upsetting it would be to tell Zelena about it. And if she was upset, Zelena would get upset.
Regina was so damn sick of making people around her upset.
She snapped out of it and looked at the phone screen still lightening up. The text was from Emma Swan.
Her first, and completely irrational response to seeing Emma Swan's name on her phone, was delight. Until she remembered that there was nothing to be delighted about. Perhaps Emma was merely texting her to let her know what an utter bitch she was for not responding to her desperate pleads last night.
Regina was not going to disagree with that.
But the text wasn't a long block of words telling her how much she had hurt Emma last night. The text was quite short. Only four words. 'We need to talk.'
Regina frowned in confusion. Not only was that physical impossible for her (she felt particularly triggered this morning), but it also didn't make a wink of sense. She didn't understand what Emma meant when she stated that they needed to talk.
She was still trying to make sense of the cryptic text when another one arrived and startled her just as much as the first one had. And it made just as little sense too.
'I know what this is about.'
Now Regina was really confused. Was Emma texting the wrong person? Was she drunk? What was going on? She wanted to answer the text. Badly. She wanted to know what was going on, but at the same time she knew that she could not. Couldn't allow herself to give Emma false hope by communicating with her. But she was so confused, and the next text did not bring much clarity.
'At least I think I do.'
What did that mean? Regina didn't understand anything, but for whatever reason her stomach still twisted like it always did when she was growing anxious. But normally, she knew why she was anxious. Right now, her anxiety did not make any sense, and that worried her. Before she could stop herself, her fingers had tapped in 'what are you talking about?', but she did not get the chance to actually send it before a new text arrived.
'It's about you, isn't it? Someone is following me to get to you.'
It felt as though everything slowed down for a moment. Her ears were ringing. Her stomach cramped. Her head was pounding.
Oh god. Oh god, oh god, oh god!
Emma knew. How, Regina had no idea of, but Emma KNEW. Somehow, she had worked it out. And she was almost correct. Liam was not allowed to get anywhere near Regina. If he did, he would land himself in prison. But that knowledge didn't mean much. Regina was extremely paranoid right now. Paranoid enough to think that Liam potentially could be monitoring Emma's texts somehow. And she was also terribly nauseous.
With her phone in hand, Regina leapt from the couch and rushed upstairs as quickly as she could without making too much noise.
It was just in the nick of time she made it to the bathroom. She didn't even get the opportunity to lock the door before she threw up violently into the toilet. Once, twice, three times. Her stomach cramped painfully. She hadn't had any food, so it was mostly just bile coming up.
When she was done, her forehead was sweaty, she was trembling, and she had a foul taste in her mouth. With trouble, she fought her way up from the floor, and on shaky legs she walked over to the sink where she grabbed the mouthwash. Her hands were trembling too, and the mouthwash made her throat cramp and constrict. She gurgled. That hurt too.
Once her mouth was sufficiently rinsed, it felt as though the tiny bit of energy she had left, had been used. Her knees caved in and she ended up sitting on the bathroom floor with her back pressed against the door like she was trying to prevent anyone from coming in.
She had done this many times. Been in this position many times. Whenever she and Killian had had 'a fight' (which always had ended in a slap or two), Regina often escaped to the bathroom. She would lock the door, press her back against the door and then curl into a tiny little ball with her knees hugged to her chest and her forehead resting on her knees. And every time she had decided that this was it. Now she would be leaving him. For good. No more apologies.
But her decision had always been swayed when Killian came and knocked on the door. His voice would be all gentle and soft when he said: "'Regina? Can you open the door? Love, please, I am so sorry! I don't know why I do this! I don't know what's wrong with me! I'll get help, I promise! But I can't do this without, please open the door!'".
Some of the times he would even start crying, and Regina's good heart and willingness to give second chances (and third, fourth, fifth, six, seven, eight, nine and tenth) had ran away with her. She had opened the door and allowed him to hug her and cry and spill apologies into her hair. And she had yet again decided to stay with him. Because imagine if THIS was the time where he finally got help. Imagine if THIS was the turning point.
It had never been. The first turning point had been when he threatened her son.
And the next had been when he raped her and nearly got away with murder.
Regina was vaguely aware that a text had arrived, and now she lifted a weak hand to check her phone.
'I know I'm right. I got a call from the stalker late last night. He warned me and told me to "stay away from her". The only "her" I've been around lately is you.'
The bile rose in her throat again and threatened to spill over. So Liam had called Emma last night. What had he said? How had he threatened her?
She didn't confirm nor deny what Emma texted. She did what she was best at. Kept quiet. She hugged her knees tighter to her chest. Didn't seem able to stand from the bathroom floor. Her morning mirrored her night, and Regina released something that could have been a sigh if she had been able to utter sounds.
Was there even a way out of this?
Would she ever find a way out of this darkness?
Or would her life simply continue to be defeat after defeat?
Sleepless nights. Pounding headaches. Feeling sick all the time.
How was she supposed to live like that?
No, she was not thinking of suicide. Never again. She was merely wondering.
Another text from Emma. 'Are you in danger?' 06:30 AM.
Regina did not answer.
Then another. 'Do you know who's doing this?' 06:33 AM.
Regina didn't answer that one either. She didn't have the strength.
Nor did she answer the one that came in a few minutes later. 'Regina, please. We have to discuss this. I know you're afraid, but you can't just pretend I don't exist. I'm not gonna walk away from this!'
Regina wished that she would. She wished that Emma Swan would walk away from her and meet someone else. Someone who could give her everything.
No. No, she didn't.
She wished that Emma Swan would magically appear right here in this bathroom. She wished that Emma would sit down next to her and tell her that everything would be okay.
But Regina knew the rules. Stay away from Emma and everything would be fine. Stay away from Emma Swan, and Emma Swan would not be harmed.
Once again, she was forced by one of the Jones' brothers rules.
She was still not free.
Still trapped.
Her knees were starting to ache slightly, but Regina only hugged them closer to her chest. She had to do what she could to hold herself together.
As she sat there on the bathroom floor, crazy thoughts started popping up in her head. What if she drove into the foggy morning and found Liam?
What if she brought her gun?
What if she managed to track him down?
What if he got so surprised that he didn't get the chance to react?
What if she was faster than him? What if she got a hold of her gun?
What if she shot to kill rather than simply pacify?
Forehead or heart.
It would almost be easy.
Barely even messy if her hand did not weaver and she aimed correctly.
One bullet and Liam Jones would be gone for good.
But of course those were only thoughts.
Regina was no murder.
No matter what, she would never be able to take a person's life.
Not even the life of Liam Jones.
She supposed that was what made her different from Killian.
He had been willing to kill.
And she was not even though she technically had the equipment to do so.
No, she was no murderer.
She was just a scared woman sitting on her bathroom floor.
Nothing more.
'Damn it, Regina! Just answer me already! I'm involved in this too! I think I have a right to know what's going on!' 07:00 AM.
'I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I don't have a right. Not really. But can't you at least let me know if you're okay?!' 07:05 AM.
'Regina, I can see that you've read all my messages. Can't you please just answer me? Please?' 07:10 AM.
Regina hadn't answered any of them. She was not able to move a muscle. Not even when she felt the doorknob being pressed down. Her ears felt oddly clogged, so she only heart parts of the conversation outside the door.
"-Think she's in the bathroom, but the door is locked!"
Oh. Henry. Of course. It was time for him to get up and go to school. Regina wished that she could have given him an answer of sorts. But she couldn't. She still wasn't able to move a muscle.
"She's probably just taking a bath and has her head under water, Hen. Why don't you pop downstairs and grab some cereal? Then you can use the bathroom afterwards."
"Okay!"
Regina heard light footsteps running down the stairs. Then the doorknob was being pressed down again. "Regina? Are you in there?"
Her sisters voice was gentle. Regina managed to lift a weak hand and scratch it lightly against the door.
"Can I come in? Can you open the door?"
Now that was the question. Could she? Regina felt weak, so weak. And her the ever familiar pain in here throat had flared up again. It felt worse than ever. She couldn't move.
But Zelena was worried. Zelena was asking her to open the door. And she had to think of Henry too. She couldn't just hide in the bathroom like she was a teenager. She was his mother first.
So she lifted a slightly trembling hand and unlocked the bathroom door. Then she scrambled away from the door so Zelena could get in.
The door was opened and Zelena appeared. Her hair was tousled, but she was fully dressed. And as alert and awake as ever as she frowned. "Is everything okay?" she asked worriedly. "Do you feel poorly?"
When didn't she? Regina nodded and hung her head.
Zelena didn't brush her off. Of course she didn't. She had only ever met Regina with understanding, and thus also today. She came into the bathroom and crouched down next to Regina. Putting a hand on Regina's shoulder she asked: "what's wrong?"
Regina's hands trembled too much. She couldn't sign at the moment. So instead she simply handed Zelena her phone and allowed her to read the messages Emma had sent her throughout the morning.
Zelena was quiet for a moment as she scrolled through the messages. She frowned. Then she looked back up at Regina. "My god," she said quietly.
'Emma was here last night,' Regina signed with trembling hands. 'She was standing outside the door, begging for answers, and I didn't give her any. I still can't give her any. I don't know how. It's too much. She was crying and begging and thinking that it was her fault, and I was just standing there and listening to her without letting her in. And now she knows that this is happening because of me. She'll resent me.'
"Hun," Zelena said gently as she wrapped her free arm around Regina. "To me these texts doesn't look like she hates you."
As on cue, her phone chimed again, and Regina took the phone from Zelena so she could check the message.
'I'm going to have to tell Sheriff Graham about how the stalker called me last night. I really hope that isn't gonna complicate things for you.'
Police. Graham. Regina knew him from old days. She had always been on good terms with him. But her paranoia only allowed her to focus on the fact that Graham was sharing job with Killian. Both of them policemen. Regina was frazzled enough to for a moment imagine that Killian and Graham knew each other. That Graham was Killian's right hand and reported her every move to Killian and Liam.
Deep down she knew that Graham of course had nothing to do with Killian. Of course he hadn't. Graham was a good policeman and a decent guy.
"Can I see?" Zelena asked gently and nodded towards the phone.
Regina handed the device to her and tipped her head back and closed her eyes while Zelena read the message.
"Maybe telling Graham about this isn't the worst idea," Zelena said softly. "Maybe he could catch Liam."
Regina doubted it. Graham didn't even know that it was Liam who was doing this. And Regina didn't know how to tell him. She was scared that Liam would get wind of it and that it would be fatal for Emma.
"Have you even slept last night?"
Regina shook her head. No, not at all. Her mind had not allowed her to rest. Emma's face had haunted her every time she tried to close her eyes, so in the end she had stopped trying.
"You need rest," Zelena said firmly. "Come. I'll walk you."
But Regina shook her head just as vehemently. No, she couldn't go back to bed now. She had commitments. Meaning Henry. He had seen her go to bed far too often.
"Are you sure?" Zelena asked doubtfully. "I really think you should get some rest, sis."
Regina shook her head and unfolded her legs. It was essential that she was present at breakfast. Henry needed to see her at the breakfast table.
Zelena seemed skeptical but refrained from saying anything as she rose from the floor and waited for Regina to stand up as well.
Regina did so. But the moment she rose from the floor and the blood rushed away from her head, she felt the floor come towards her as her knees buckled.
"Woah!" Zelena hastily grabbed her upper arms to support her. "Hey, hey, hey! Regina. Look at me."
Regina struggled to do so. Her gaze swam slightly, and black spots were dancing before her eyes.
"You need to rest!" Zelena said again. "Come, just lean on me."
But Regina shook her head again. She refused to admit defeat.
"Regina, you almost fainted, you gotta-"
Regina held a hand up to silence her sister. She did NOT almost faint. She just got a little dizzy because of the combined head and throat ache. And the fact that she hadn't slept last night. She was FINE. End of story. And besides, this wasn't about her or what was best for her. This was about Henry, and the fact that he needed to see her face. She couldn't seal herself off in her room. Not when she had just been away for two days. And not only that. She had been away on two regular week days. She had left her son in her sister's care. Again. And she had lied to him too. He thought she had been going to the log house to clean. Instead she had gotten furiously drunk of champagne and shredded her wedding dress to pieces. The time she should have spent with her son had been used on getting drunk and feeling sorry for herself. Mother of the year she was not.
So she held her head high and refused to hear anymore talk of going back even though she was exhausted, and it felt like someone had set her throat on fire.
Zelena seemed skeptical, but she refrained from commenting further. Instead she made sure that Regina did not wobble before letting her go.
Regina stalked over to the mirror and checked her appearance. She brushed out her hair and applied a solid layer of concealer underneath her eyes to mask the deep dark circles.
"You look very nice."
That was definitely stretching the truth to its thinnest, but still, Regina appreciated the effort. She flashed her sister a little smile to thank her for the compliment. Then they went downstairs to join Henry for breakfast. Regina's throat still throbbed and burned, most likely because she had thrown up, but she would be dammed if she didn't make an effort!
Henry briskly chitchatted while eating his cereal. Regina settled for a cup of tea in the hopes that it could soothe her aching throat. And she also forced down some crackers with jam. For Zelena's sake.
Regina did her utmost to engage in a conversation with her son (well, as much as she could engage these days), but she was distracted when her phone chimed yet again. As discreetly as she could, she checked the message. Another one from Emma.
'Talked to Graham. He's gonna try and have the call traced, but I have a nasty feeling that the stalker went with the cliché solution and used a pre-paid phone or some shit.'
And then again only ten minutes later.
'I'm bombarding you with text messages. I know. I'm starting to become a stalker myself, but we can't just leave things like this! Please tell me that you're okay! Is Henry okay? Is it his dad doing this?!'
Regina could not blame Emma for considering every possibility, but Daniel, really? She had not thought about him for years. And she wasn't particularly interested in doing so either. One could say that she was still bitter about waking up to an empty bed and a bill for the hotel room. She had been twenty four and not exactly swimming in money at the time. Thanks for that, Daniel-whatever-your-surname-was.
She did not answer that text either. Instead she concluded her halfhearted breakfast and walked Henry to the bus. She gave him a tight hug and a kiss on the forehead and wished him a good day, delighting in the fact that he did not care that his friends could see him hugging his mother. Perhaps he had not yet reached the state where hugging your mom was embarrassing, or perhaps he simply saw nothing embarrassing in hugging his mother. That was probably it. She and Henry had always been very affectionate with one another. She had never foregone an opportunity to kiss him on the cheek or forehead, and once in a while on the lips too.
But even though they had practiced hugs and kisses before, Henry had intensified his needs for hugs after 'the accident'. And he always made a point of hugging her before he went anywhere.
"I love you, mom," he said and smiled at her.
Regina returned the smile and fixed his slightly crooked scarf. He said that a lot too. And of course she knew why he did it. To make sure that was the last thing he said to her 'just in case'. Regina knew this because Zelena had told her. She had told her how upset Henry had been in the hospital when she was in a coma because he hadn't hugged her goodbye or told her he loved her before leaving for Vancouver.
She waved the bus off and felt quite accomplished after having done so. She had sent her son off to school like every good mother did. She wasn't a complete failure.
At least not today.
She went back inside the kitchen and automatically started helping Zelena clearing the table after their breakfast. Her head was still pounding and her throat throbbing. She shouldn't have thrown up earlier. It was that sort of thing that could cause the pain in her throat to flare up. Apparently, her pharyngeal reflex (better known as the 'gag reflex') had been damaged or whatever, so throwing up was not that good for her. Her throat certainly was spasming as though she was being choked.
She was not. She was not. She was NOT!
Nobody was choking her. She was FINE.
Except she wasn't.
She was in pain mentally as well as physically. Her heart was breaking for Emma Swan and how confused she had to be. All the unanswered texts. All her questions. By the time she had finished clearing the table and had sat down on the couch, another text arrived.
'I have to go to work now. I really, really hope that you by some miracle will have answered me when I'm done working, but if you haven't, I have to stop by your house. Again. And if you don't answer the door, I have no choice but to call Sheriff Graham and ask him to break down your door. I'm sorry for putting you on the spot like this, but I'm really fucking worried about you, Regina!'
Putting her on the spot? Regina shook her head. If anything, she was the one putting Emma on the spot. She was the one who had caused a crazy man to follow Emma. She was the one who now refused to answer any of Emma's questions. And instead of resentment, Emma was concerned about her. Another thing that showed just how good a person Emma Swan truly was.
Regina bit the inside of her cheek harshly. Willed herself not to cry. She was so sick of crying.
Another text. 'Please have answered when I'm done working. Please.'
No. Regina couldn't. It was too much. There were too many questions. She had no idea where to start. Starting that conversation would be like opening up a can of worms, and Regina wasn't sure she was ready to see all the horrible, ugly worms come slithering out. She had been prepared to tell Emma once before, but that was different. She had been different. Feeling better. More confident.
Now all that confidence had gone out the window, and telling Emma her story could be compared to walking through bubbling hot lava.
She was so tired. So, so tired.
She rose from the couch and went to find Zelena who was still in the kitchen. She had set up her laptop. Working from home again.
"Oh, hi there," she softly greeted when spotting Regina. "I thought you had gone into the living room to rest? Do you need anything? I could make you some more tea if you like?"
Regina could feel her strength slipping, so for once she skipped the pleasantries and went straight to the point. 'I don't feel well,' she signed, knowing that Zelena would get worried, but she had to be honest. 'I'm going upstairs to rest. My throat hurts a lot, so I will most likely be taking medicine.'
Zelena immediately stopped fussing with the laptop and came over to Regina. She reached out and touched Regina's forehead lightly. "You're not running a fever, so that is a good thing."
'I threw up earlier,' Regina signed and almost felt slightly embarrassed for admitting to such disgusting behavior. 'And now my throat is cramping up.' she could literally feel the muscles in her throat spasming and pulling tight. And combining that with the feeling of having swallowed sandpaper, it made for an extremely uncomfortable feeling.
"Oh," Zelena's face fell completely. "I'm so sorry, Regina."
Regina shrugged. Which seemed incredibly dismissive, but her ability to function because of the pain was dwindling rapidly. And besides, what else could she do? It didn't exactly help that Zelena felt sorry for her. It didn't take the pain away. It was what it was, and no amounts of 'I'm so sorry' could change that.
She turned her back on her sister and went upstairs to her bedroom. She sat down on the edge of the bed and reached within her bedside drawer. Found the bottle of strong painkillers she only ever used for emergencies. Today was most certainly an emergency. She placed the pill on her tongue and then drank from the glass of water she always kept on her bedside.
Swallowing almost made her throw up a second time. It hurt so badly her hands flew to her throat. She wasn't completely sure what the purpose of it was, but it did not take her long to remember that she wasn't supposed to touch her throat too much. And especially not like that.
But now she had taken the medicine. That was something. Regina laid down on the bed. Pulled the covers over herself. Closed her eyes and waited for the effect of the meds to kick in. Her head was spinning. Even when she was laying down.
Once again, she felt like an utter failure. She would not be out of bed by the time Henry came home from school. She would most likely be cooped up in here all day. Once again she was failing at being a good mother. Being present for breakfast damn well was not enough. And she knew it. But she was just so damn tired...
She slipped into a slumber that only allowed few things to disrupt it. At some point, she was sure she heard the front door open. She was also sure she heard Henry's voice muddled with the voice of someone else. But she was not aware enough to go downstairs and investigate.
She fell into the same slumber and sensed nothing and nobody until a hand on her forehead made her blink her eyes open. It was so hard, keeping them open, but she could see the blurry shape of a person with red hair standing in front of her. Zelena.
"Hi there," she said softly. "Henry was a bit worried about you. But you're just sleepy, right?"
Regina didn't know how she managed to nod her head. Yes, she was sleepy. So, so sleepy!
"Okay. I will leave you to it. Then you can hear about the development later."
Development? What development? For a brief moment, Regina really did try to care and engage, but her eyelids felt so, so heavy. It was impossible to keep them open a moment longer.
"Later," Zelena gently repeated. "You just sleep, okay?"
Such an easy task to be given. Regina allowed her body to grow limp yet again.
"Sleep well, little sis."
Hair tickled her. Regina wasn't certain, but she could have sworn that Zelena just kissed her forehead. Huh. That was a new one. Regina couldn't remember the last time she had been kissed on the forehead in a way that were just a little bit maternal. Cora Mills hadn't been very big on the whole affection thing. And honestly, she hadn't been very good at it either.
Regina fell back into that dead-to-the-world slumber.
'She was on a beautiful meadow full of wild flowers. It was summer. The sun was shining from a clear blue sky, and for whatever reason, she was wearing a long flowy white dress.
Henry seemed very determined as he pulled her along.
'"Where are we going?"' she asked her eager son.
'"Mom, don't be silly,"' he laughed. '"You already know where we're going!"'
'"I do?"' Regina was confused.
'"Of course you do,"' he beamed. '"We're going to see her!"'
'"Her? Henry, who are you talking about?"'
He laughed at her again. '"Oh, don't pretend that you don't know already!"'
Regina did not. But she still fell silent.
And then she saw her. Standing on the meadow. With her blonde hair flowing in the soft breeze. '"Hi!"' Emma Swan grinned. '"You made it!"'
Yes. Yes, she did. Finally.'
The dream was still sitting in her when she woke up. The sky was turning deep blue. She had been asleep for a long time. Her head felt like it was full of cotton and her limps oddly heavy, but she felt better. At least physically. Mentally, she wasn't so sure.
But she couldn't lay in bed until tomorrow morning. She refused.
So she forced herself out of bed and went into the hallway on shaky legs. She felt completely woozy. A side effect from the medicine. And because of that dream too. It had been shockingly realistic.
Well, except for the fact that she had been able to talk in the dream. That had definitely not been one bit realistic.
As she went down the stairs, Regina thought to herself how strange it was to never hear her own voice anymore.
Coming downstairs, she found Zelena sitting in the living room with her laptop balancing on her knees.
"Hey there," she greeted when spotting Regina. "How are you feeling?"
Regina shrugged. Her throat had stopped cramping. That was something. 'Where is Henry?' she signed. Her signing was a bit slurred. She was clearly not completely awake yet.
"He's doing his homework upstairs," Zelena replied.
Regina nodded. Then she should go upstairs and check on him. And let him know that she was feeling a lot better. She turned around and walked back towards the stairs.
"Actually, could you stay here for a moment, sis?"
Regina turned back around, slightly surprised. Although Zelena probably had aimed for casual, she wasn't doing a very good job. She raised an eyebrow as she looked at her sister.
"Maybe you could sit down?" Zelena asked and patted the spot on the couch next to her.
Now Regina was very confused. She sat down, but she did not waste any time in signing and asking: 'is Henry alright?'
"Henry is just fine," Zelena assured. "He was a bit concerned earlier, when he was checking up on you, but I told him that you were simply sleeping really heavily."
Oh. Regina nodded slowly. Henry was okay. That was good. But why did Zelena look so serious? What was going on? 'Are you okay?' she signed and continued: 'is Chad?'
"We're fine too," Zelena assured and grimaced. "God, I'm making you worried now, aren't I? I'm doing a terrible job at this!"
'A terrible job at what?' Regina signed and quickly searched her brain for things that could be wrong. Henry, her number one priority was okay. Zelena, the person she couldn't imagine going through life without was fine too. Chad, her brother-in-law and the one of the few men she trusted, ditto. So what was it? Had something happened to Malena? God forbid it!
No.
It had to be Emma.
Something bad had happened to Emma.
Had there been an accident? Or had Liam done something to her?
A new wave of nausea rose in her body.
"Emma was here earlier," Zelena said softly. "When you were sleeping."
Regina snapped out of it and she felt how her fingers were practically slicing through the air as she signed: 'is she okay? Did something happen?'
"No, she just wanted to talk to you," Zelena said quickly. "She was completely fine and having juice with Henry when I came in. He had let her in."
Regina frowned. She had to talk to Henry about his unfortunate habit of opening the doors before the adults. Then the thought about parenting got away from her as she focused on the most important thing in the sentence. 'She was completely fine.' Fine. Emma was fine. Unharmed. Not a scratch on her. Fine. F-I-N-E. God. What a beautiful, beautiful word!
Then an unexpected wave of sadness flooded her. Emma had been here while she was sleeping. Emma had been here, and she hadn't even gotten the chance to talk to her. Or see her. It had been three weeks and it felt like three years.
Regina missed her.
So, so much.
'What did she want?' she signed in an attempt to distract herself, so she didn't end up crying.
"Answers, I think," Zelena said gently. "And just seeing you in general."
Regina's heart ached. Physically ached. 'Did you tell her anything? Did you tell her the truth?'
"No," Zelena said immediately. "I didn't tell her anything. I would never violate your trust like that."
That elicited a teeny, tiny smile from Regina. Just a very slight one.
"Should I have woken you?"
Regina shook her head. No. She had in no way been in shape to see Emma today.
Emma had been here.
Even though she was not supposed to.
She was putting herself in danger by seeking her out.
It didn't matter that they hadn't seen one another, Liam didn't know that. And if he truly was following Emma everywhere she went...
It had to stop.
Emma couldn't come here. She was putting herself in danger.
The dream version of the smiling Emma with sunshine in her hair stood sharp in her mind.
She had to protect her. No matter what.
Regina abruptly rose from the chair and made Zelena startle slightly. "Where are you going?" she called.
But Regina did not answer as she stalked up the stairs towards her bedroom in a surprisingly fast pace for someone who had just been asleep for hours. And had taken a very strong painkiller.
She found what she was looking for in the bedroom. Her cellphone, still laying on her bedside table. Regina snatched it up and sat down on the edge of the bed as she wrote a message. To Emma. 'Zelena told me you stopped by. You shouldn't have done that. The stalking will only stop if we stop seeing each other.' she might as well just confirm what Emma already knew.
It didn't take long before her screen lit up. Emma Swan had sent her a message. God, seeing the name on the screen made Regina's heart pound. Her fingers trembled slightly as she checked the message:
'Are you in danger?'
No anger. Just concern. For her. Good god!
'No, I'm not. The only one who's in danger is you is you keep contacting me.' that seemed cruel too, but she had to keep Emma safe. No matter what. She sent the text and rubbed her eyes in an attempt to wake up.
'Are you feeling better?' Regina shook her head as she read the message. Was Emma even real? Why was she not angry? She should be!
'Yes, a bit.'
'I'm sorry you weren't feeling well earlier.'
'It's alright. I'm sorry if Henry made you worried. I just needed an extra nap, that was all. Sometimes Henry worries a bit too much.'
That was true, he did. But she was definitely understating the extra nap thing. She had been in quite a bit of pain earlier.
'He's a very sweet kid. Of course he worries about you. That's only natural.'
Well, yes, it was. To some extent. But not like this. Regina's next text was a very honest one. Emma always brought out the most honest, raw parts of her.
'Maybe it isn't. He's the child, and I'm the adult. It's not his job to be that worried about me, Emma. I want him to go back to be a happy, carefree kid.'
'It's been like that since it happened?'
It. 'By "it" you mean the accident?'
'Yes'.
Regina's palms were starting to get slightly sweaty. Emma had come because she was worried. Because she wanted answers. Regina was tired of hiding. She was tired of keeping this dark secret like it was something to be ashamed of. Like it somehow was her fault. It was not. It was Killian's.
She was tired of being so fragile and going to bed and having to throw up and doze herself up on painkillers when things got tough. She was tired of being tired.
Emma had met her with nothing but kindness, and in return, Regina had lied and hidden the truth. And she was so goddamn tired of it.
Even if she and Emma were to never see each other again, Regina could at least tell her the truth.
'I haven't been honest with you.'
'What do you mean?'
Regina took a deep breath. This was it. Her chance to be honest. The moment she had been waiting for. But for whatever reason, she wasn't able to type in the words 'I was attacked by my ex-fiancé.' On one hand, it looked so harsh, and on the other hand, it didn't look like anything at all. It looked so... harmless. A minor thing. How could she describe to Emma what had happened to her? How could she be honest without being too graphic?
Her phone chimed again. 'Regina? What do you mean you haven't been honest with me?'
The closer Regina got to just brushing the subject, the more she wanted to switch her phone off for the rest of the evening. But she was done being a coward. She was done lying. She wanted so badly to be honest with Emma.
She felt sick and dizzy all over again as she typed. Dangerously close to falling over that precipice she struggled to hold on to daily. So close to that all consuming blackness.
But she refused to let it win. Not this time.
Regina exhaled shakily as she pressed 'send'. Then she looked at the words she had typed in.
'There never was an accident.'
To Be Continued...