'Stop, stop, you're hurting me!'
'Shut up, you stupid bitch! You deserve this!'
'Killian, please-'
'I said, shut UP! I am so fucking sick of your whining and your pathetic 'please'! If you were doing a better job at being my fiancé, I wouldn't have to do this, now would I?'
'Killian, stop! Please stop!'
A slap.
A scream.
Hers.
Clothes is being torn.
Buttons is scattered all over the floor.
Her back against the carpet.
It is scratching at her back.
Killian on top of her.
Inside her.
She claws at his back to make him stop.
Screams until he covers her mouth.
Lays still. Passive.
Then jerks her knee up as hard as she can.
Now he is screaming.
Kicks her.
Forces her to stand by yanking her hair.
A narrow belt wraps around her neck. Tightly. Too tightly.
'Stop it! What are you doing?! Stop it!'
'I'll make sure that you'll stay silent forever, you little bitch! You don't get to decide when it's over, do you hear me?! I'm the one making the decisions in this house!'
'Killian, I'm so sorr-'
'You should have thought of that earlier. Goodbye, Regina!'
The belt is tightened and tightened around her neck.
She fights. Claws at the leather with her broken, bruised fingers. Turns her head back and forward until he grabs her hair with his free hand. She cannot move anymore. Her pulse is roaring in her ears. Her lungs screaming for air. He chokes the life out of her. And he's laughing while doing so.
This is how she dies. By his hand. With his belt wrapped around her neck and his laughter roaring in her ears. He owns her. He decides if she should live or die.
I love you, Henry.
I love you too, mom….
Regina jerked awake with a sharp gasp that had her throat clenching. Her heart was pumping in her chest and her pulse was hammering. She was sweating but freezing at the same time. She felt sick to her stomach and dizzy. The nightmare sat in her body like a deadly poison slowly consuming her. She had trouble breathing and had to stick her head between her knees. It had been a while since she last had a panic attack. She had almost forgotten what it felt like, but now she was receiving a rude reminder thereof. Her throat was closing up. Her heart was racing. Sweat was trickling down her back. Her palms were sweaty, and she felt sick.
She could still feel the belt around her neck. Could feel Killian on top of her. Inside of her. It hurt. Everything hurt.
On shaky legs, Regina got up from the couch and stumbled through the hallway and into the guest bathroom where she found Zelena's box of tissues. She didn't feel safe standing up, so she wobbled back to the living room where she more or less fell into the couch again. She wiped her cheeks, but it didn't help. The tears kept falling. When had she started crying? Perhaps she had been crying all this time.
The house was quiet. Henry was gone and so was Zelena. For a moment, Regina considered texting her sister and ask her to come home, but it didn't take long before she scrapped that plan. Zelena was working late and couldn't just come home because Regina asked her to. That wasn't how it worked. She didn't want to make Zelena worry. She had already worried so much about her. And she had been happy because Regina was upbeat.
Regina couldn't bring herself to burst that bubble by texting Zelena and telling her that she felt bad. It wouldn't be fair to Zelena.
She would just have to deal with his on her own.
And she could.
She was a grown woman.
She could get over a ridiculous little nightmare, right?
Right?
Her shoulders slumped and she cupped her forehead the memories pressed against her skull. The problems with her nightmares was that they were real. All of them. Not just silly dreams of monsters under the bed. They had actually happened.
The skin on her back itched as though the carpet was scraping against it still.
Her throat tightened.
Regina cleared it. Or tried to.
You are not being choked, you are not being choked, you are not being choked.
But it didn't matter how many times she repeated the words in her mind. It didn't work. The feeling of a belt sitting tightly around her neck was as real as her sweaty palms and clammy back. She was a complete and utter mess. This was not how she had planned on doing things tonight!
Regina's Friday night had started out good. As soon as first Zelena and then Henry had left, she had brewed herself a fresh pot of coffee. She had made herself two slices of golden toast with a thin layer of honey, and then she had retired to the couch in the living room where she had made herself comfortable under a blanket with Jojo Moye's The Giver of Stars, a fantastic novel about a group of five women travelling through the mountains to bring books for the people. Perhaps it was the warm blanket draped over her legs or perhaps the snow falling softly outside that had made her sleepy. But either way, she had ended up falling asleep. Now she wished that she hadn't. The horrible nightmare had completely shattered her pleasant night, and now she couldn't stop thinking about it. Couldn't stop feeling the belt around her neck. It felt as though she was being choked. Deep down, she knew that she was not, but she couldn't shake the feeling. Nor could she shake the image of Killian suddenly emerging behind the curtain, grinning menacingly at her. He was right here with her. Climbing out of her head and she couldn't do anything about it. She couldn't stop him. She was afraid to sleep again. And she was afraid to try to read or watch television. Afraid that he would come closer if she looked away. Why couldn't she just be rid of him?!
Ping!
Regina flinched and squeezed the blanket between her fingers. Looked around frantically to locate the sound. For a moment she thought that it was the alarm that somehow had been disabled. That Killian finally was coming for her.
But it was not the alarm. It was her phone. Just her phone. Someone had sent her a message. There was absolutely no reason to panic.
With shaking hands, Regina reached out and grabbed her phone from the coffee table. The new message was lighting up the screen. Emma. It was Emma who had texted her. Regina immediately felt something similar to relief seeping through her body. Emma. Thank god. If there was something she needed right now, it was to text Emma. Emma could make her feel better. She always did. Right now, Emma's message was a lifebuoy Regina desperately could cling on to. Something that could prevent her from drowning entirely. She checked the message.
'I just got my key!'
Key? What key? Regina was confused and groggy as she texted back. 'Your key?'
'Yeah, the key to my new place :)'
Oh. Right. Now things were starting to make sense in Regina's foggy mind. 'Oh yes, of course! Do forgive me, I'm a bit disorientated at the moment.' What an understatement. She was a hundred percent out of it. But there was no reason to tell Emma that.
'Is everything alright?'
Regina could almost hear Emma ask the question and see the frown accompanying the question.
'Yes, I just took an unexpected nap, so now I'm a tad confused.' Another understatement. Regina was more than confused.
'Oh, I see. Was it a good nap then? :)'
If only. 'I had a bit of a nightmare, but I'm fine now. Nothing to worry about.' Lies. Lies, lies, lies. She was not fine. She was still crying, for god's sake! The tears just kept coming no matter how many times she wiped her eyes. But she didn't want to make Emma concerned.
'If you wanna talk about it, I'm more than willing to listen.'
Regina already knew that. But she also knew that she would never take Emma's moment away from her by going on about her own issues. Absolutely not. She would never dream of taking Emma's joy away.
'No, no, I don't want to ruin your excitement about your new house, Emma. I'm fine.' The lie was necessary. Otherwise Emma would most likely find a way to steer the subject away from her new house and onto Regina's nightmare, and Regina absolutely did not want that. She didn't want to be selfish and talk about herself when Emma was so happy.
'Are you absolutely sure?'
Regina bit her lip. 'Yes, Emma. I'm sure.'
'Because you know you can come to me if something's wrong, right? You can tell me anything.'
'I know. But right now the only thing I want you to tell me about, is your new house. Are you gonna move in this weekend?' it was time to steer the conversation back to the reason Emma had texted her in the first place. The happy reason.
'Yeah, I'm moving in this weekend!'
'That sounds very exciting. You must be looking forward to moving in.'
'Believe me, I am. I can't wait to have my own rooms. I'll need to buy a bed, but apart from that, it's fully furnished. I'll probably need tomorrow to dust off the place, but maybe you'd like to come and visit me this Sunday?'
'Yes, of course.'
'Now I'm gonna sound really, really annoying, but are you absolutely sure you're alright?'
Regina frowned. Shoot. She should have added an exclamation point or a smiley. Anything. Because now it looked like she was unenthusiastic about having dinner at Emma's place, and that was not the case at all! God no! She was so excited about going for dinner at Emma's place. It was just that her enthusiasm was tugged away behind the nightmare she'd just had. Killian's shadow was still looming over her. His face peering at her from behind the curtain.
'Yes.' It was the only type of reassurance she could give Emma right now. She didn't want to feel like this. Why couldn't she just push the stupid nightmare aside? Forget about it and move on. That was what everybody else did whenever they had a nightmare? So why couldn't she? Why was she always stuck in the goddamn same place?! Why couldn't she just pull herself together?!
'Regina, please talk to me.'
An invisible string wrapped tightly around Regina's chest and squeezed the air out of her when she read the message once, twice, three times.
Talk.
Emma wanted her to talk to her.
Talk.
She could not.
Because Killian had made a choice that night.
Because he had made himself the judge over whether she lived or died.
You fucking bitch! Stop saying no to me! I'll make sure you'll stay silent forever!
He had taken everything from her.
Claimed it all.
First her body.
Then her voice.
Why? Of all the things in all the world, WHY did he have to take her voice from her? Take away her 'no'. Take away her ability to tell her son that she loved him.
The string around her chest turned into a leather belt and crawled up her neck.
'I can't do that, can I?!'
She regretted it as soon as she had sent the message. What the hell was WRONG with her? Why was she snapping at Emma? Sweet, wonderful Emma who had simply encouraged her to communicate about the things that bothered her. Emma had reached out to her, and in return, Regina had lashed out at her!
As quickly as possible, and with fingers that were still trembling, Regina sent a second text message to Emma: 'I'm so sorry about that, Emma! This is not your fault. I shouldn't have lashed out at you. I'm so sorry.' If Emma was angry now, Regina certainly wouldn't blame her. Anyone would get mad over getting their head bitten off like that.
Pling!
Regina's heart hammered in her chest as she checked the message. She was already bracing herself for Emma's justified anger.
But….
'You've got absolutely nothing to apologize for! I'M sorry. I shouldn't have written that. It was idiotic.'
Idiotic? Emma? Never. Guilt filled Regina's throat with the taste of bile. This was not the first time she thought that Emma was too good for her.
'It was not. I was just being oversensitive.' To put it lightly.
'No, you weren't. You were frustrated. That's something completely different.'
God, Emma had to stop justifying her actions all the time.
'I don't know whether you're right about that.', Regina texted and squirmed slightly on the couch. She was not used to this. When she was with Killian, whenever she dared talking back at him, she was used to being scolded. Getting yelled at. Hit.
But nothing happened. Emma didn't even scold her.
It was strange.
And sad.
She shouldn't expect Emma or anyone else to get angry with her. She shouldn't expect terrible consequences of her actions all the time. It wasn't right.
But there was no manual telling her how her PTSD would come to light this time. Domestic violence left marks.
And sometimes the invisible ones were those causing the most pain.
'But I know I am. I don't want to push you, Regina, but I can sense that you're not feeling well right now, and I want to help. Please, let me.'
How could she say no to this? How could she brush Emma off when she was asking her like this? Almost pleading with her. Regina had vowed to herself to be honest with Emma. Now was the time to honor that vow. No matter how much it would ruin Emma's excitement.
Her vision blurred.
The invisible belt tightened around her neck once more.
It hurt.
Hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt….
Regina felt like a villain as she typed: 'It's the belt around my neck. I can still feel it.' She sent the message and felt utterly pathetic. A complete failure. She had been doing so well for so long. How could it only take a stupid nightmare to make her topple over?
The invisible belt around her neck tightened once more. The phantom scratching of her carpet against her back. Her skin was crawling. Did she want to take a shower? No. She didn't even feel capable of moving right now.
Her anxiety was through the roof as she typed another message and sent it to Emma. 'I close my eyes, and I'm back on that bedroom floor. I can feel him tighten that belt around my neck, and I can hear him telling me to shut up over and over again.'
Pling.
Regina checked the message.
'Is Zelena with you right now?'
'Zelena is at her boyfriend's tonight, and Henry is staying over at a friend's house because it's Friday.'
'I'm coming over.'
Regina was sure she gasped a little as she looked at those three little words. There was nothing she'd want more than seeing Emma, but it was getting late. And the weather wasn't too good either.
'Really?'
'If you want me to, that is.'
Oh yes! Absolutely! Right now it felt as though Emma was the only thing that could soothe her. 'I always want to see you, but it would be exceptionally nice to see your beautiful face tonight.'
'I'm on my way!'
Well. If that was the case, Regina supposed that she ought to tidy up a bit. Fix her hair and adjust her scarf. She didn't want to look a mess when Emma arrived….
In the short time it took Emma to arrive, Regina managed to drive herself mad with anxiety. The weather was getting very bad. The snow was coming down heavily. Did Emma's precious little Bug have snow chains? What if it hadn't? Was it even safe for Emma to drive in this weather? Oh god…. What if something happened? What if she got stuck in the snow? Or what she accidentally drove off the road? Oh god, oh god, oh god….
The yellow-y glow of headlights made her snap out of it, and Regina breathed a sigh of relief. Emma was here. She had arrived safe and soundly. Thank God.
As soon as the headlights switched off, Regina leapt from the couch. The motion sensor lights switched on outside, and Regina saw a dark figure come up the pathway. But this was not a dark figure that scared Regina. She knew who it was. Emma stopped halfway there. Seemed to fumble with something. Then she continued up the pathway.
Regina went into the hallway and to open the front door before Emma could even knock. There was no point in her doing that. She would only get cold. She had to be freezing already. As far as Regina could see, she was only wearing her red leather jacket. Regina felt guilty. Had she really made Emma hurry so much she hadn't even had the time to put on a warmer coat?
She opened the door and Emma appeared in the faint orange light from the lamps. She was wearing what looked like sweatpants, and her blonde hair had been pulled into a messy bun on the top of her head. A few stray curls refused to stay in place, though, and so they danced around her face in the slight wind.
She looked exquisite. Absolutely exquisite.
"Hi," she said softly.
Regina didn't waste time on greetings. Instead she just stepped aside so Emma could get inside as quickly as possible. She really couldn't risk her getting colder than she already was.
Emma stepped over the threshold. She shrugged off her leather jacket and hung it on the coat rack. Then she turned her attention back to Regina.
Regina flashed her what she hoped was a smile, and she reached within the pocket of her slacks to find the note she had written in the midst of her anxiety. The words on the note were familiar ones. 'Hello. You look beautiful tonight.' She gave Emma the note.
Emma read the note and looked like she was about to smile. But instead of doing so, she looked up at Regina. Carefully scanning every inch of her face.
Regina motioned for Emma to follow her. Standing in the hallway seemed a bit silly. She turned around and walked back into the living room. Emma was right behind her. Which meant that she spotted all the crumbled tissues laying on the table at the same time as Regina did.
Regina winced as she hastily grabbed the crumbled pieces of paper and threw them into the fireplace. Great. Now Emma knew what an absolute mess she was tonight.
They sat down on the couch. Regina stared into the fireplace. She was still upset. And now embarrassed about the tissues.
"Hey." Emma's voice was gentle and her hand soft as she reached out and took Regina's.
Regina turned her head and looked at Emma. Yes, seeing her face did help. But sitting here in complete silence did not. She was the one who had made Emma come all this way. She couldn't just sit here and stare into the fireplace. Using the hand Emma was not holding, she reached within her pocket and found another pre-written note. 'I hate this', the note said. She had just been writing whatever came to mind, and before she could get the chance to regret it, she gave the note to Emma.
"What do you hate?" Emma asked softly as she looked up from the note.
Writing with only one hand free was a little tricky, but Regina managed to scribble on a blank note: 'I hate that it doesn't take more than a nightmare to make me feel like this.' She gave Emma the note and was rewarded with a soft squeeze to her hand, but she wasn't quite done yet. She gently freed her other hand and wrote on a new blank note. 'I hate that I still think about it. That I still think about him and what he did to me. Thinking about him make me feel like he still have power over me. Like he's somehow winning. Even though he's in prison and I'm not.' This was not a therapy session, and Emma was not Doctor Kristine. Regina knew that. She felt guilty for flooding Emma with messages even before thanking her for coming.
But now that the dam was broken, she couldn't stop writing. The words came tumbling out of her. She gave Emma that note too and wrote down her thoughts on another blank note. 'I know it's ridiculous, but I feel guilty every time I have a nightmare, because it feels like I'm right back where I started. It doesn't feel like I'm moving on at all.' That note was given to Emma too.
Emma quietly bowed her head and read the messages. She was reading fast, so it didn't take long before she looked up at Regina once more. "You fell in love with me, didn't you?"
Regina nodded. What kind of question was that even? Of course she had fallen in love with Emma.
"That's right," Emma said softly. "You let me in, Regina. That's a huge step towards something better."
Oh. Well, when she put it like that…. Regina supposed that her feelings for Emma was progress. But still…. This was hardly ideal. Not the relationship Emma had imagined for herself. Not the kind of relationship she deserved. Emma could do so much better than this. She bowed her head over a new note and wrote: 'And I also feel guilty for making you drive here in this horrible weather and just dumping all of this on you. This is hardly the kind of relationship you had envisioned.' She pushed the note towards Emma.
"That's absolute bullshit," Emma said firmly as soon as she had read the message. "YOU are what I have envisioned, Regina. You. All of you. The good days AND the bad days."
Oh, God. Regina sniffled unladylike and wiped her cheeks angrily. Why couldn't she just stop crying?!
"And just for the record," Emma gently continued. "You didn't make me drive anywhere. I did it because I wanted to. Simple as that."
Now tears was streaming down Regina's cheeks. She had no control over her tear ducts tonight. And she didn't even bother to wipe the tears away as she started writing yet another message. After a moment, she could look at the finished message. 'I wish there was some way I could erase him completely. Erase everything that happened. I don't want to have nightmares. I don't want to think about him or what happened in the past. I wished I could only focus on the future.' She gave Emma the note. Her and Emma. That was the future. She was sick of the rough days and the talk of healing and giving herself time. How much time did she need? She could think of what Killian had done to her until the end of time, and still reach the same conclusion. That she had absolutely no idea why he had harmed her so gruesomely. That she had no idea whether he regretted it or not.
She could feel that Emma was looking at her, and she quickly turned her head to meet Emma's gaze.
"I wish there was something I could-" Emma began, but Regina interrupted her by shaking her head and smiling. She grabbed a new note and wrote on it.
'You are here. That helps a lot.' Truthfully. She already felt a lot better than she had before Emma showed up. She gave Emma the note.
"I wish there was something else I could do as well. Just something." Emma's voice was tight with concern and her brow slightly furrowed.
Well. There was something Emma could do, actually. Something a part of Regina had been thinking about ever since Emma had stepped inside. She hadn't allowed that small part of herself to get a voice. Not until now.
'There is something you can do', she wrote on the note laying between them. She then moved the pencil away so Emma could read the new message.
"And what's that?" it sounded as though Emma was ready to climb the Mt. Everest for her.
That was definitely not necessary. The thing Regina desired was not quite as drastic. But definitely every bit as exhilarating.
Regina snatched another yellow post-it note from the stack and wrote down a single question upon it. 'Kiss me?' she almost felt a bit nervous as she gave Emma the note. She feared that Emma would think that her timing was terrible. Which it sort of was. In a way. But she desperately needed to think about something else. Needed to FEEL something else.
Emma gave her a long look. "Are you absolutely sure?"
Oh, God, was she ever! Regina nodded rapidly.
Emma slowly inched closer to her. Tilted her head ever so slightly and then captured her lips in a soft kiss.
Regina's mind immediately felt less foggy. Her anxiety lessened. And she couldn't be more grateful. Emma was grounding her in a way that nobody else could. Her pulse was quickening, but this time it had nothing to do with anxiety. Now her pulse was faster because of the light pressure of Emma's lips against her own only.
Kissing was nice.
Kissing was wonderful.
The shadows lifted from her mind completely, and Regina grasped Emma's hand gently. Placed it lightly above her right hip. Felt Emma stiffen in surprise for a moment and knew exactly why. This was a new place. Emma's hand had never been there before. But Regina was comfortable with it being there now. It did feel a little foreign at first, but that feeling soon disappeared and was replaced with content. Emma's hand was very warm.
The heat was seeping right through her blouse and into her skin.
It felt so good.
Emma's kiss was chasing away her horrible nightmare.
Everything felt better now.
Emma lifted her free hand and cupped her cheek gently. That felt wonderful too.
Emma always knew exactly how to touch her.
She didn't need any instructions.
And Regina never worried about her overstepping her boundaries. She knew that Emma would never do that.
She trusted Emma.
Trusted her so much it made her feel slightly dizzy.
It seemed so impossible that she was capable of trusting anyone after what had happened.
But here she was.
Trusting Emma Swan a hundred percent. If that wasn't progress, Regina didn't know what was.
The kiss grew in intensity.
Not much.
Emma was not trying to pry her lips open, but the pressure had definitely changed. They were kissing each other with a bit more vigor than before.
Regina was growing warm from head to toe. Her heart was thudding in her chest. Her stomach was quivering. How could she have forgotten how wonderful it was to kiss? And more importantly, how could Emma just know exactly how to kiss her? They hadn't kissed that many times. And yet she knew exactly how to kiss her. How to go from soft pressure and to a bit firmer pressure and then back to soft. It was making Regina feel lightheaded. She acted on an instinct as she parted her lips just a little bit. She wanted to do that. Responding a bit more to the kiss felt completely natural.
Thrilling.
Good.
So, so good.
Was this their best kiss so far?
Or did she simply think that every time she kissed Emma?
She suspected that was the case.
Every kiss with Emma felt like the best one so far.
She cupped Emma's cheeks as they kissed. Upped the pressure just a little. Her upper body was twisting now, but the awkward angle did not bother her.
Nothing bothered her right now.
Her head was full of thoughts about Emma.
Her belly full of butterflies flapping their metaphorical wings.
If this was how it felt like to walk on clouds, Regina wasn't sure she ever wanted to come back to earth. No, she would much prefer to stay right here and kiss Emma Swan for all eternity.
She had not foreseen that this would happen when she was getting ready for a night in earlier, but she was definitely not complaining.
No, her night had taken the best possible twist.
God, she was glad that Emma had come over! She was glad that she hadn't managed to brush off her girlfriend a second time.
Her girlfriend.
As silly as it was, that little label still made Regina feel all giddy and excited. She liked being someone's girlfriend. Liked being Emma's girlfriend. Was amazed that she was in fact capable of being that.
Emma tasted good. Of….strawberry. She had to be wearing some kind of flavored lip gloss.
Regina kissed and kissed and kissed her.
The next thing that happened, was something that she absolutely had no control over. A teeny, tiny little sound spilled from her slightly parted lips. Not quite a sigh, but a… moan.
Oh.
Was she moaning now?
That…. Had not happened in a very, very long time.
That was new.
Another thing Emma had awakened in her.
She had forgotten what it was like.
What it could be like.
Enjoying a good kiss.
Responding to a good kiss.
Emma certainly was a good kisser.
And Regina certainly was responding to it.
In a way that left her both embarrassed and wanting more.
Something was tingling low in her gut.
Another faint whisper of something that had laid forgotten for so long.
Pleasure.
Oh, god.
She honestly hadn't meant to make that sound. She broke the kiss and pulled back. Had to.
Yes.
They had to stop.
Even though part of her didn't want to stop. That tiny little part of her that remembered all these old feelings and what it could be like. What it SHOULD be like.
But Regina didn't dare letting go. Not yet. There was still too many unpleasant memories of hands on her body. Still too much she was still processing. She was not ready to listen to her body and react to that slight tingling she was feeling low in her gut. She wasn't ready to go beyond kissing.
And she didn't want to be a tease.
"Another one for the collection," Emma's voice was tight and a little bit goofy, and Regina couldn't help but smile. What was it that Emma had said at some point? That they were 'collectors of good kisses'.
Regina liked that description. She liked it a lot.
And she liked having Emma here with her. Perhaps another kiss could be arranged once they had caught their breaths?
But then, just as she was about to suggest another one for the 'collection', Emma's stomach growled.
Oh. Regina tilted her head and grabbed the pencil and a new post-it. Scribbled: 'have you not had any dinner yet?' she pushed the note towards Emma, somehow already knowing the answer.
"No, not yet," Emma admitted.
So it was as she suspected then. That wouldn't do.
"But I was-"
Regina interrupted her girlfriend's vague excuses by writing on the note again. 'I'll fix you something then.'
"You don't have to," Emma said immediately.
Regina gave her a look. Hoped she looked very insistent. Fixing Emma something would be the easiest thing in the world. And it was the least she could do.
"Are you going to eat something yourself?" Emma asked.
Yes, why not? That was a good idea. Regina actually felt a bit peckerish. She nodded in affirmative.
"Okay then," Emma surrendered.
Regina flashed a smile she hoped didn't look too triumphant. Then she rose from the couch and went into the kitchen.
Emma followed her, and Regina thought to herself that it was nice to have Emma look at her as she moved around in the kitchen and opened the fridge. Hopefully, she had something she could offer Emma. Wheat sandwich bread. Hmm. Not quite what Regina normally would have eaten. But this was a special case. Why not indulge a little? She pointed lightly at the sandwich bread.
"A sandwich sounds perfect," Emma said, immediately understanding what Regina was asking her.
Yes, but with what? Henry had eaten the last bit of ham earlier. Meaning that Regina had to point to the next best thing. The cheese.
"Yeah, cheese sounds good too," Emma said with a nod.
Regina pulled the sandwich bread, cheese and butter out of the fridge. Emma made some comment about buttering the bread herself, but Regina wouldn't hear of it. Emma had helped her when she felt upset. Emma had kissed the horrible nightmare away. And then she had been gallant enough not to mention the… the…. Sound coming out of Regina's mouth. That craved a special thank you and not just a flat cheese sandwich. Regina happened to know that miss Emma Swan loved grilled cheese sandwiches. Truth to be told, she was not nearly as good as Eugenia when it came to making grilled cheese sandwiches, but that certainly shouldn't prevent her from making one right now!
She whipped out the frying pan and switched on the stove and saw Emma's eyes widen slightly. "You didn't have to do that," she said softly. "A regular sandwich would have been just fine."
Nonsense. Regina found a spatula in the top drawer and elegantly flipped the cheese sandwich on the frying pan. She kept a close eye on the sandwich, and once the bread had gained a golden color and the scent of melting cheese was filling the kitchen, she used the spatula to move the sandwich away from the frying pan. She then carefully stuffed the hot sandwich into a coffee filter and handed it to Emma.
"That smells really good," Emma said appreciatively as she took the grilled cheese sandwich. "Thank you."
No thank you's was required. If anything, Regina should be the one saying thank you. she looked over her shoulder and flashed Emma a smile.
"What are you going to eat?" Emma asked. Clearly worried that Regina was going back on her promise about eating as well.
Regina was not planning on going back on any promise. She flashed Emma a slight grin as she pointed to the sandwich bread and cheese.
"You're going to have a grilled cheese sandwich too?" Emma asked, feigning shock.
Regina nodded in affirmative. She was officially indulging. And she was happy about it.
"What has the world come to?" Emma joked. Then she took a bite of the sandwich. The sound coming out of her mind immediately afterwards, reminded Regina of the sound she had made a moment ago when they kissed. But just as Emma had been very chivalrous about not mentioning the incident, Regina certainly wouldn't be mentioning this incident either. If Emma wanted to mask the moan as a cough, that was completely fine. She offered Emma a little smile. Then turned back to the stove and cursed silently when she felt how hot her cheeks had gone. Hopefully, Emma thought that it was just because of the heat from the stove.
She made herself a grilled cheese sandwich, and she had to admit that it actually was very good. No wonder Emma was so fond of them. They settled down by the kitchen table to eat.
She was hungrier than she thought she would be. Perhaps it was the nightmare. Or maybe she had worked up an appetite because of the kiss. Either way, she tried not to be too vigorous when it came to eating. But she feared that she wasn't doing a very good job, though. A droplet of melted cheese ended up on her thumb and Regina hastily licked it away and scolded herself. Surely, it was possible for her to eat without making such a mess of herself.
Still, she was very satisfied. Kissing and grilled cheese sandwich. Not exactly how she had planned her night, but she wouldn't have it any other way.
After having eaten their sandwiches in the kitchen, Regina and Emma headed back into the living room where they settled down on the couch once more. The post-it notes and pencil was laying on the table, almost as though waiting for them, but as Regina glanced at the table, she noticed that she had forgotten to remove the hospital brochure she had been looking through earlier. "Thyroplasty". Such a big word. Such a big decision.
"You're still considering it then?" Emma asked softly, glancing between the brochure and Regina.
Regina nodded. She was. Hadn't made a final decision yet.
"Can I see?"
Regina nodded. The brochure wasn't all that exciting to be honest. Just a description of the surgery. But if Emma wanted to look, she was more than welcome to do so.
Emma swiftly went through the brochure. Regina could see her form some of the words. After a moment, she put the brochure down on the table again. Didn't ask any questions regarding the operation. Perhaps she could sense that Regina wasn't really in the mood to discuss it tonight.
"How are you feeling now?" she asked instead.
Regina smiled. 'Better', she wrote on the nearest note.
"Yeah?" Emma asked.
Absolutely. 'Seeing your face helped. As it always does.'
"I'm very happy to hear that. I'm glad I could help."
'You always do', Regina scribbled and pushed the note towards Emma.
Emma's cheeks heated and the prettiest rosy colored them. She lifted her hand and did an awkward little motion almost as though trying to push her hair behind her ears. She wrinkled her nose. "I look like a mess."
No. Just no. Regina shook her head firmly and then tapped her finger against the 'Hello. You look beautiful tonight.'-note she had given Emma earlier.
Emma chuckled. "Thanks, but I really don't think-"
Regina gave her what she hoped was her infamous Professor Mills look. The look that had earned her the royal title 'The Evil Queen' amongst some of her students.
It worked. Emma changed the subject. "So, you still want to come and visit me this Sunday, right?" she asked.
Of course! Regina nodded.
"Awesome! I can't wait to show you the house," Emma grinned.
'And I can't wait to see your new home!' an exclamation point was required in this conversation. Regina wanted Emma to know how excited and enthusiastic she was.
"You'll help me chose some new bookshelves, right?" Emma asked. "I think you have better taste than I do."
Did she? Regina was not so sure about that. She raised an eyebrow and shook her head.
"You do," Emma said firmly. "So don't even try and fight me on that one."
Regina answered by rolling her eyes. Damn cheek. She adored it.
"Anyway," Emma smoothly continued and ignored Regina's protests. "I was thinking maybe you could come over for dinner? I could make tacos and throw some kind of cake together for dessert. Which sounds really not-delicious when put like that, but you know what I mean."
Regina couldn't hide her amusement. She would love that. And she would love to see Emma 'throw some kind of cake together'. She was certain that was quite the sight. 'I do, and I would love to come to dinner this Saturday', she hastily scribbled and let Emma have the note.
"Awesome," Emma grinned. There was a look in her eyes. One that almost lead Regina to believe that she was worrying about the menu. They couldn't have that. Regina reached out and took Emma's hand. Squeezed it gently.
"Do you stick your hands into a fireplace or something?" Emma quipped.
Regina rumbled in amusement. What a question! She shook her head in negative.
"You sure?" Emma quipped. "Your hands are so warm all the time."
Her hands were warm because she had just held a warm sandwich between them. But as long as they weren't sticky from the cheese. Regina was amused again. Shook her head one more time. Then released Emma's hand and wrote: 'tell me about your Sign Language lesson.'
Emma eagerly did just that. And her tale was followed by a question: "any chance you want to teach me some romantic Sign Language sometimes?"
Oh. Interesting suggestion. Regina was intrigued. She nodded and felt another smile tug at her lips….
The talk about Sign Language evolved into a talk about everything else, really. Regina ended up making Emma coffee. And herself, of course. Which lead to even more talk.
Therefore it was getting fairly late when there finally was a lull in their conversation.
"Wow," Emma said after having glanced at her phone.
Regina frowned as she wrote down a message. 'I've kept you here for far too long.'
"No way," Emma said firmly. "I came here because I wanted to make you smile, and I succeeded, didn't I? I've stayed here because I wanted to, not because you asked me too, alright?"
Regina nodded. Didn't know why she was so insecure. Sometimes it was hard to believe that Emma was here to stay. Even now when Emma was giving her hand a gentle squeeze. Once she had moved her hand away again, Regina wrote another note. 'But it is however getting quite late. I don't want to kick you out, but the forecast said that there would be more snow later tonight, and I would prefer if you got home before that.' She couldn't risk Emma ending up trapped in bad weather. That would be terrible.
"Will you be alright here on your own?" Emma asked softly. "I don't want to leave you if you're not okay."
Oh, bless her. Regina leaned in and brushed a light kiss over her cheek. Then wrote another message. 'You are very sweet. I'll be alright. It won't be long before Zelena comes home, and I think I'll be watching a movie while I wait for her. Don't worry about me, and I'm sorry if I frightened you earlier.'
"You didn't," Emma said quickly. "I just wanna make sure you're alright."
Regina nodded, then scribbled underneath. 'I am.' It was true. She was. Emma had chased the nightmare away.
"Good," Emma said as she rose from the couch. "In that case, I better get going before it starts to snow again."
Regina nodded and then she rose from the couch as well.
She followed Emma into the hallway and watched as Emma grabbed her leather jacket and shrugged it on. She patted her pockets. Most likely to make sure that she had her phone and keys. Then she looked at Regina and said: "well, I better..."
Regina nodded. The thought of asking Emma to stay over in the guest room crossed her mind, but she quickly scrapped that idea. Emma hadn't brought a change of clothes or a toothbrush or anything. And she didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea come morning.
Besides, she wasn't sure of what Emma would make of the suggestion. It would probably seem strange to her.
Emma zipped up her jacket. "Text me if you need to, alright?"
Regina nodded.
"And also text me if you DON'T need to," Emma added. "Text me regardless of whether you need to or not."
Regina grinned a bit as she nodded for the third time. Emma was so sweet.
"Okay then," Emma said and fidgeted a bit with her hands. "I'll see you on Sunday?" she asked.
Oh yes, of course! Regina settled for forming the word rather than scribbling it down.
Emma reached for her hand, and Regina smiled because she was expecting another squeeze. But to her surprise, Emma brought her hand up to her lips and brushed a light kiss over her knuckles. Oh. My, my. That was actually…. Very romantic.
"See you," Emma said quite unnecessarily as she released Regina's hand.
Was she dawdling? Regina suspected that was the case. She didn't want Emma to leave either, but she didn't want her to get stuck in the snow. Nor did she want to make strange suggestions. They had just started dating. It would be weird.
Emma finally managed to get out of the door. Regina stood on the porch and waved her off. Saw Emma climb inside her car and then flash her headlights twice almost as though she was waving back. Regina rumbled quietly at that. Only Emma would think of doing something like that. Another reason why Regina was so in love with her.
She gently closed the door and went back inside the living room. Smiled as she looked at the two cups of coffee. Having Emma over had been absolutely wonderful. She felt so light and happy. The shadows in her mind were all gone.
'According to google maps you should be home now, and I hope that's the case. Please text me so I know that you arrived home safe and soundly.'
Regina had waited not so patiently until she was certain that Emma had arrived home. The moment the clock hit the right number, she sent off the text.
And was richly rewarded.
'Good timing. I've just stepped inside my room. Safe and sound.'
Regina exhaled loudly. She had been so worried when it had started snowing again. 'Thank goodness. I saw it started to snow again, and I felt quite worried.'
'Nothing to be worried about. I'm all good :) how are you?'
'I'm doing alright. Thank you so much for coming over tonight, Emma. Your presence really helped a lot.'
'It was my pleasure. I'm glad I could be of any help. What are you doing right now?'
'I'm watching a movie.' Well, she was trying to, anyway. Her concern about the weather had made it a little difficult to concentrate.
'Yeah? Which one?'
'Sleepless in Seattle.'
'Really? Oh man, I should have stayed!'
Yes. Yes, she should! That would have been wonderful. 'Perhaps we can watch it together some other time. If you'd like.'
'Believe me, I would absolutely love that!'
'Good. It's a date then.'
'Sweet! Are you gonna make popcorn too?'
Popcorn? Regina hadn't actually thought about that until now. But why not? She had already eaten a grilled cheese sandwich tonight. Why not go all the way? 'But of course. No movie without popcorn.'
'That's the spirit! And in the meantime, I will see you on Sunday!'
'Yes, you most certainly will. I can't wait to be shown around in your new home.'
'Can't wait to have you over! It's going to be so nice :)'
'Oh yes, absolutely! I liked the kiss.'
What? Regina stared in disbelief at the words she had just sent. The 'oh yes, absolutely!' was fine. That was intentional. But 'I liked the kiss'? Seriously? Where the hell did that even come from?! Why had she even written that? And why like that? She could at least have written 'I loved the kiss'. But oh no, of course she had to write 'liked'. Idiot. Idiot, idiot, idiot.
'I liked the kiss too ;) I think we should consider adding one more to our collection on Sunday ;)'
Oh. Alright. That was something she could work with. Regina grinned a little….
Come next day, when Henry loudly wondered where the last four slices of the sandwich bread had gone, Regina just shrugged innocently.
"You're smiling mysteriously," Zelena told her.
Was she? Perhaps. And perhaps that was all she was going to do. Regina had absolutely no intention of telling her sister of the nightmare she'd had last night. Nor of Emma's visit. Not that it was a dirty secret, of course not, but the moment simply belonged to her. And Emma. Their moment. Their kiss.
"Why are you grinning like the Cheshire cat?" Zelena wanted to know.
Regina gave her no answer. She just kept smiling. Kept thinking about the kiss she and Emma had shared last night. Hopefully, there would be another come Sunday….
To Be Continued….