I just wanted to thank you all for the reviews. They truly do keep me going and keep me motivated to continue writing. A little update on this story: We are now going to be in chronological order and the story will follow a lot of the events of the first season with a few twists until we hit our ending. I hope you guys enjoy.

Happiness

Summer 2021

I knew there was no way I would be sleeping last night so I did the thing I did best, I brought a boy home from the bar, and I let him fuck my brains out all night long. I repeated his words over and over and over "I have a life here." I didn't know what that meant or what he was trying to tell me, but I took it as he's moved on. I never had any doubt that he would. If he told me he was already married to someone else, truthfully, I wouldn't be surprised.

As the guy beside me who's name, I couldn't even remember rolled off me after he finished, gathered his clothes, and left, my thoughts drifted to Derek. Seeing him tonight was painful yet soothing yet torture all rolled into one and I couldn't help but regret the way I handled my first-time seeing Derek Shepherd after 3 years of working towards getting over him. I still haven't met the new me yet. I willed myself to believe that there would be happiness after I got over him but there was happiness because of him, and I'll always be haunted by the look in his eyes that told me he could have loved me for a lifetime- if I would have just let him.

But I didn't let him. I said no. I chose a life without him, and the reason still feels hazy to me at times.

I tie my converse and look to my right to see Yang, the friend I sort of made last night. She nods at me, and I give her a 'hi' back. I see my friend Alex and immediately I confront him for not making it to the mixer last night.

It's all just a distraction though. I'm trying to distract myself because today is my first day and the love of my life just so happens to run an entire department here.

My resident Dr. Miranda Bailey begins to tell us the 5 rules to surviving our year as an intern, but I can't help my eyes from wandering. Derek Shepherd works here. He runs an entire department here. And he has a life here. I guess this is the price I pay for saying no.

I get assigned to a teenage beauty queen named Katie Bryce. All day she tortures me. She tells me about her boredom. Her frustration. Her stupid beauty pageants. I take her to get labs. To get a CT. All the while avoiding him.

Happiness will come.

Bailey tells me that Katie is now considered a neuro patient and that I need to find Dr. Shepherd. My work is all I have now, so I am going to do it to the best of my ability. I approach the OR board; Derek is in-between surgeries. He could be anywhere.

"Have you seen Dr. Shepherd?" I asked the nurse at the front desk.

"On-call room 4" she tells me shortly. I take a deep breath standing in front of on-call room 4. I'm not sure whether to knock or not but knowing what my mother has told me about On-Call rooms, most of the time the doctor is sleeping and won't hear the knock at the door.

I push the door open and am surprised to see it unlocked. He's lying there staring up at the ceiling. I shift as he moves his gaze to me shocked, hurt, bewildered, relieved.

"Dr. Shepherd" I hear myself say

"Meredith" he breathes

"Dr. Grey" I correct him.

He looks puzzled. "We should keep it professional. I'm Dr. Grey now." I tell him

He looks to the side "For years it was just Derek and Meredith." He mutters.

He quickly composes himself "My apologies Dr. Grey, what can I help you with?" He asks me as if I'm just some co-worker standing in front of him. I guess that's all I am.

"Katie Bryce, a newly admitted patient. Dr. Bailey needs a consult."

"What's she presenting with?" he asks me. Gears have shifted, he's looking at me like I'm an inferior.

"Grand Mal Seizures. Her labs are clean. Her CT was clean but if we don't do something soon…"

"She's going to die." He finished for me reaching for the chart out of my hands and getting off the bed.

"Yes" I reply, and our eyes linger on each other for a second too long. I look away.

"Right, well lead the way." He tells me and he's behind me in the tiny on-call room. I feel his breath as I grip the door handle. My body relaxes for a second.

"Let's go Dr. Grey. Time is of the essence." He says lowly and softly almost in a whisper. It feels like it's just Derek and Meredith again.

He follows behind me as I walk the corridor of the hospital to Katie's room. I feel his gaze on me the entire time.

If I leave it all behind, the memories, the pain, the moment I said no…. maybe there can be happiness.

"Katie, I'm Dr. Shepherd. I'm just going to do a quick examination, is that okay?" I hear him say.

M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D

In the operating room, I'm God. I'm above the trees and I can see everything as it is but today, today I wasn't God. I wasn't a great doctor, and I was a terrible boyfriend.

These past few years I got a clarity that I was lacking before. My relationship with Meredith Grey had been everything to me, but she was too young. She needed more time and even though I showed her all my hiding spots, it wasn't going to be enough. I needed to move on. I needed to be with a woman who was ready for all the things I wanted out of life. I was doing that now. I was dating one woman and I had been for several months. I was excelling at my career. Someone as young as me head of an entire department at a leading teaching hospital was unheard of. My survival rate was high. I was thriving. Then yesterday, she showed up in Seattle and now I'm expected to teach her. I'm expected to give her the education she deserves. I'm expected to remain professional and call her Dr. Grey when she has always been Meredith to me. My Meredith.

I was distracted. I barely slept through the night. I can't make the pain I feel go away by making her the villain. She was young. She is young. No one teaches you the protocol for something like this. I gave her the best I had, and I don't know what to give now. I am in a committed relationship. I am the head of a department, but she still makes me feel like the person I was back then. All day, I wanted to want to avoid her, but I didn't want to avoid her. I wanted to see her. I wanted to catch up. I wanted to know her again.

There has been some happiness after her but there was so much happiness because of her. Past all the bad, the truth is Meredith Grey was someone I planned to love for a lifetime. That doesn't just go away because she said no.

She figured out a particularly difficult case today. I should have caught the brain bleed, but I didn't. She did. On her first day as a surgical intern, she diagnosed a patient and saved her life.

I chugged an iced coffee before Katie's surgery. I needed to focus. I needed to save this girls life. I needed to prove to myself that Meredith Grey wouldn't cause me to fail at my job.

The OR was quiet. I could cut the tension between Meredith and I with a scalpel, ironically. I invited her to scrub in. She hesitated but agreed. She deserved to be in that room. She deserved to learn.

"Dr. Grey, please come closer." I stated

She looked confused but then made her way closer.

She moved closer but still a far distance away.

"Dr. Grey if you plan to learn how to effectively operate on a human brain, I suggest you not be so shy." I harshly stated and she finally moved closer this time until she was right beside me looking under the microscope.

I smelled lavender. This was a mistake, I thought to myself.

I looked over and she was grinning under her mask. It was like her birthday all over again and I couldn't help the grin that took over my face seeing her studying my specialty and being in awe of it.

I successfully clipped Katie's aneurysm and scrubbed out ready to talk to Katie's family about the surgery and our next steps.

I could feel eyes on me outside of the scrub room and turned my head to see Meredith looking at me with a smile.

I smiled back at her. I couldn't help it. Her smile had always been so infectious.

"I still don't know why anyone does drugs" she told me with a giggle, and I couldn't help the laugh that overtook me.

"Yeah" I replied lamely unable to break the smile on my face.

"I mean med school, right? You practice on cadavers. I watched that one surgery you took me to, but I forgot… the high of it. I forgot the high of it." She told me thoughtfully and I could tell there was deeper meaning in what she was saying.

I nodded swallowing the lump in my throat. "I should go talk to Katie's family." I told her after a pause not wanting to leave our conversation but knowing that we were reaching dangerous territory.

"You should" she agreed, and the smile never left her face. I couldn't help but smile back at her eagerly. 8-hour surgeries agreed with her. She was breathtaking.

I nodded and walked away carrying my notes from Katie's surgery.

"See ya" I heard her call lamely after me. I smiled inwardly. There was happiness because of her then and there is happiness because of her now and I'm screwed.

M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D

I was still riding the high of surgery. I still had an hour or so left on my first shift before I would head back to my mother's Seattle house. She rented it out for years. I have no idea why she never sold it.

"I scrubbed in on a heart valve replacement" Christina told me when I entered the locker room. She was biting into an apple.

"Yeah?" I replied

"I heard you diagnosed and got to scrub in on an aneurysm. Not bad for our first day." She told me

I smiled "Not bad at all." I replied

"You know, I heard Bailey's other interns did scut all day and charts. Looks like we're the ones to beat." Christina told me

"Looks like it." I agreed.

"I'm going to see if I can troll for another cardio surgery. See you around?" she asked me

"You will." I agreed. She nodded and walked off.

I decided to hang out by Katie's room and she if she was close to waking up. Her family was gathered around her bed and Katie was still sleeping.

"Will she be out like this for a while?" her mom asked

"It's normal for brain surgery" I told them nodding while I fixed the blanket on Katie's bed and checked the machine's monitoring her vitals.

"But her surgeon…. Dr. Shepherd? You were in the OR with him, right? He did his job well?" she asked me hesitantly.

"He did. Dr. Shepherd is a very talented surgeon. One of the best in his field. You really couldn't ask for anyone better to operate on your daughter." I told them sincerely when suddenly Derek walked through the door.

"Mr. & Mrs. Bryce. I wanted to let you know that I am having the nurses here page me as soon as Katie wakes up so I can do my post op check on her. Don't be alarmed if she sleeps through the night though." Derek told them.

They nodded and thanked him, and he shot me a small smile before heading out of her room. I followed him.

"Dr. Shepherd, should I stay here and monitor Katie through the night?" I asked

"That won't be necessary. Katie's surgery was routine. No surprises. No signs she won't make a full recovery. The nurses will page me when she wakes up. You should get some rest; you had a very eventful first day."

"I'm actually pretty wired right now." I admitted honestly.

"That's a good sign. Means you're probably meant to be doing this." He told me.

"Yeah" I agreed

"Yeah" he responded raising his eyebrow at me waiting to see where I wanted to see this conversation to go.

I paused for a moment "Derek, would you like to get a drink with me?" I asked meeting his gaze.

He looked thoughtful for a moment deciding what he wanted to do. "Yes" he stated simply.

"I should get changed." I told him.

He nodded "I know a place." He told me

I headed back towards the intern locker room to get changed and meet Derek for a conversation that was long overdue. Maybe, I was about to get some of my happiness back.