One of my favorite chapters yet and one of my favorite songs off Taylor's newer albums. Thanks for the reviews, please keep them coming! They really do motivate me to keep going.

Cardigan

When you are young, they assume you know nothing.

Seattle was characteristically grey and stormy as Derek, and I left the hospital. I pulled my cardigan closer around me somehow thinking that would shield me from the rain. Truthfully, I wasn't bothered by the large drops of liquid air. It was cleansing in a way. I was shielding myself from the awkwardness of being mere inches away from Derek. Derek silently took off his raincoat and offered it on me. "You get used to it." He told me quietly as he helped me pull the hood over my head. A gentleman as always. We had an awkward moment of figuring out if we were going to ride together or drive separately. Ultimately, we concluded that Derek would drive us. I stared at his knuckles gripping the steering wheel the entire short drive to a bar he called 'Joe's'. We didn't speak.

The last time Derek and I were in a car together, I was in his lap, and we were making out before entering a downtown bar in Boston that we both loved. He drew stars around the scars my mother and father left all over me. The old cardigan I was wearing underneath his raincoat, and I had much more in common than I ever even realized. When you are young, they assume you know nothing, but I know that Derek saved me. When I felt like I was an old cardigan under someone's bed, he put me on and made me feel like I was his favorite.

I got out of his car and walked in front of him into the Emerald City Bar. My mind flashed to us laughing our way all over Boston, kissing in alleys, watching him step on the last train of the evening, the night I said no.

"I thought you said it was called Joe's" I asked him studying the sign before me. Anything to get my mind off the memories that started coming back to me full force. God, I love him.

"It is." he replied not giving further explanation as my brows furrowed at why the sign said Emerald City. I walked behind into the quaint place. Business seamed steady. It wasn't too loud yet but wasn't exactly quiet either.

The bartender and Derek seemed to know each other as they offered each other a head nod. Joe placed two napkins in front of us as we took seats at the bar "What can I get you?" he asked looking pointedly at me.

"Tequila. Whatever the house is." I told Joe who then looked to Derek.

"Single Malt Scotch. Keep the tab open" he told Joe pulling out his card.

"I asked you for a drink. I should pay." I said fidgeting for my wallet.

Derek put his hand on mine and quickly pulled it away feeling the electricity I must have felt "I got it." He told me with finality.

Joe poured our drinks and placed them in front of us and Derek moved to a more private table he must have liked. Once at the table, I kicked back the drink feeling the familiar burn that I loved so much. Derek was watching me.

"What?" I asked

He shrugged "I know you." He said simply

"What does that mean?" I asked him

"Last night, I could smell the tequila on your breath at the mixer. It was very… nostalgic. I knew you were going to order it again tonight. I know you."

"Yeah, well I knew you were going to order a Single Malt Scotch. I know you too." I told him.

"I know you do." He replied studying the rim of his glass before looking back at me.

"Meredith, what are you doing here?" he asked me studying my face intensely.

"Here at this bar?" I asked and laughed hardly trying to make light of a semi-awkward night.

"You know what I mean." He told me taking a sip of his scotch but his eyes never leaving mine.

"I applied all over the country. Seattle Grace accepted me, and I grew up here. Seems as good as place as any for… starting over." I told him holding back the full truth.

"That's it? There's no other reason?" He asked reading my face, reading my expressions, reading me.

I sighed "I thought maybe if I came to Seattle, I could find-" I stopped myself. I didn't want to go there right now with him.

"You could find what?" he asked. His voice was intense, and his full focus was on me despite a few people looking over at us.

I paused "My father." I admitted softly. I couldn't meet his gaze. "I'm going to go grab another one." I told him leaving our spot so I could blink back the tears I didn't realize would come to my eyes as soon as I said it out loud. I could feel his eyes watching me as I ordered. I looked back and caught his gaze. A guy came over to say something to Derek, but he never even looked at him, his eyes were fixed on my form waiting for my drink. I could hear Derek brush him off. I walked back over to where Derek and I were sitting and put the shot of tequila in front of me. Not ready to drink it yet but needing to know it was there when I was ready.

"Can I ask you something?" I asked him mustering up the courage to dive into a conversation I probably wasn't ready for.

"Sure" he told me tightly picking up the pace and finishing his drink.

I met his eyes which looked at me with so much sadness, so much anger and yet so much hope "At the mixer, you told me that you have a life here now. What does that mean?" I asked him

He sighed and ran his hands through his hair "When I finished my residency, I left Boston. I came here. I've built a new life here – that's all." He stated

"It just seemed like- never mind."

"It seemed like what?" he asked

"I don't know. Like you were trying to tell me something deeper than that."

"Why would I do that?" he asked me. His gaze had never been so intense.

"Our history." I stated now picking up the shot. Yep, now I was ready for this.

He scoffed. "Our history, I think I need another one for that conversation." Derek told me and signaled to Joe that he needed another.

"We don't have to talk about it."

"I know that's what you'd like to do." He told me without emotion.

"What does that mean?" I asked him sharply

"You're a serial avoider. I know you, Meredith. It's why you bolted the second you saw me at the mixer. It's why you never contacted me again after-."

"After I said no?" I questioned

"Yeah" he said with a sigh just in time for his drink to come which he picked up immediately.

We were quiet for a moment as Derek drank his second drink of the night. The ball was in my court, it was my time to speak.

"I'm sorry I didn't explain myself well enough during all of that. I'm older now, I can see it more clearly now. You deserved more than me." I told him sincerely.

He didn't say anything but looked to the side of the bar watching Joe fill drinks for other customers. I knew he was attempting to hide the tears I could see welling in his eyes. They didn't fall and he was able to blink them away.

"You haunt all of my what-ifs, Derek. I mean I knew you would but, you do. You haunt me. The memories they haunt me, sometimes. It wasn't simple or easy for me. I didn't just hurt you in all of this" I admitted.

Derek's eyes immediately met mine and held an emotion I couldn't quite decipher "You haunted me for a long time. Nice to know it wasn't one-sided, I guess" He admitted.

"If I contacted you, I knew you'd try and change the ending, but I knew it was the right thing…. I know I was young, but I knew my choice was right for both of us at the time and then the look on your face when I said no. I just….. that sadness still gets to me." I continued

He nodded "I would've convinced you that you were wrong. God, it was…. it was like Peter losing Wendy. It might have been the right thing, but it couldn't have felt more wrong."

I nodded, "Derek it was a once in 20 lifetimes kind of…"

"Love" Derek finished.

I nodded blinking back the tears.

"You didn't want to work at Mass General under your mother or married to me." He stated simply.

"Derek, I loved you. It was never about not wanting to be with you, I just felt like my life was being written for me. Living in my mother's shadow is hard enough. I never wanted to stay in Boston. I think in the back of my mind, I was always planning to come home."

"Which is here? Seattle." He stated

"Yes. Home is Seattle to me."

M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D

Meredith and I were both feeling the effects of the alcohol, that I knew as I watched the woman in front of me. I knew her like I knew the back of my hand. She was opening up to me because of the liquid courage but we both needed this. I needed this.

"When you are young, people assume you know nothing, but you knew yourself. I can respect that." I heard myself tell her.

"Derek, I knew you too. How hard you worked. How much passion you had for your career. You deserved to see it through in Boston. My mother is a lot of things. A lot of terrible things but she's also an incredible surgeon and an incredible chief. The amount of notability she could have brought you as head of neuro at Mass Gen. You shouldn't have left." She told me

"You marked me like a bloodstain and left me like your father left you. Boston….. I was drowning after you. I wasn't just wading water Meredith, I was drowning. I couldn't be there anymore."

I saw her gulp. I saw the guilt. I saw her but she was so determined.

"It wasn't a lack of love Derek. I did love you, I do-"

"I know" I cut her off and my eyes met hers. There was such a deep understanding between us. Something I could not pinpoint but something that I said I understand you for exactly who you are. Even still, I couldn't listen to her tell me she still loved me. It wasn't right. I wanted to scream 'I do too. I always will.' But 'I know' will have to suffice.

"You asked me to go out with you for a drink." I told her watching her emerald eyes, trying my damn best to read them. Read the real meaning to this all.

"I did" she agreed.

"What are you….. What do you want out of this Meredith?"

She was silent for some time, thinking. Carefully articulating her response to me.

"I don't know." Her answer was truthful, but it wasn't getting us anywhere.

"I should be honest with you." I told her shifting in my seat, avoiding her gaze for just a moment so I could gather my face.

She watched me "I have a life here. Friends. My career is excelling."

"That good." She stated nodding while her hands nervously played with her shot glass.

"I have a girlfriend too. She's a scrub nurse. I like her. It's getting serious." Finally, the blow has been delivered. I felt relief and guilt. I have nothing to be guilty over but for some reason, I feel like I'm doing Meredith wrong somehow.

She recovered from that quick and plastered on a small smile "I'm happy for you Derek. I mean it."

I nodded "I think we should be friends. I would like to be your friend." I heard myself tell her. Why did I just say that?

She smiled genuinely and breathed a sigh of relief "I would like that."

"Friends?" I questioned holding out my hand to her. She took it and I knew she'd be lying if she didn't feel the electricity between us. I knew I held her hand just a little too long, but I couldn't stop myself.

I knew she'd linger like that pain you feel after a tattoo. I knew she'd haunt all my 'what-if's', the smell of the smoke from the bars in Boston still hung around after all this time. I knew everything when I was young. I knew I'd curse her for the longest time. I chased shadows in the grocery lines. I knew she'd miss me when the aftermath of us expired and that we'd meet again someday. I knew she would fall back to me someday even if it was just as my friend.

When you are young, they assume you know nothing, but I knew Meredith Grey.

I paid the tab and walked with her back to my car. The rain stopped. How ironic. I pulled up beside her jeep and walked her to it. I opened her car door, and she took off my raincoat giving it back to me.

She looked at me and instantly my arms were around her pulling her in for a hug. For a moment her head lay on my shoulder and her arms held me back tightly. We were in front of the hospital, and I didn't want rumors going around that this was anything more than a friendly hug with an old friend. We pulled back at the same time.

"Goodbye Derek" she breathed watching my lips

"Goodbye Meredith" I said doing the same. How many times I kissed that perfect mouth never savoring it enough.

I felt the universe shifting us closer, but I have a life here. I said so myself, so I pulled back steadying myself on her car. Leaning. I always caught myself leaning on things around Meredith Grey.

Her face said it all – just when I felt like I was an old cardigan under someone's bed, she put me on and said I was her favorite. I know her.

I reluctantly moved back watching her drive away. She's trying to change the ending. Maybe Peter doesn't have to lose Wendy. She may have ran like water but I know her. We haunt each other's what-ifs, we love each other. I don't want to curse her anymore or hate her anymore.

I knew her. I know her. I knew she'd come back to me.

When you are young, they assume you know nothing, but I know Meredith Grey is meant to be in my life even if it's just as my friend.