Epiphany
Something Med School Did Not Cover
"So, you're friends now?" Mark asked me sarcastically as I nursed my beer. My eyes were fixated on the water. I finally had a day off to fish and clear my head. I have no idea why I thought it would be a good idea to invite Mark Sloan of all people. I should have invited Burke or the Chief. They didn't know about my past with Meredith hence wouldn't ask me a million questions.
"We are" I told him with a small smile
"And you think this is healthy for you? Not that I think she's your one and only or anything but what about Rose?"
"What about her?"
"She's your girlfriend. I'm not sure she'd be thrilled exactly with you being buddies with your ex."
"It doesn't concern her. Meredith and I aren't doing anything wrong." I told Mark avoiding his gaze and keeping my eyes on the water.
"Physically" Mark told me with a knowing look except he didn't know anything.
Meredith & I hadn't even had a chance to speak since the night at Joe's almost a week ago. I can be friends with her. That's not up to Mark, Rose, or anyone else besides me and Meredith to decide. Actually, if I was honest with myself, I can't be her friend. I could never be her friend. I know I have to tell her, but I seem to just be living for the hope of it all that in some world, I could have Meredith Grey in my life as a friend. But I can't in this world, so I keep the lie up a little longer. Just playing make believe a little longer because the alternative stings. To exist in the same hospital as her, only offering her professional guidance and nothing more. Never knowing her life. Watching her build a life in Seattle without me as even a friend. So, I lie to Mark a little longer and make excuses for it all.
"It's not like I can just ignore her. I'm her teacher and her boss. I have an obligation to teach her all I know about neurology so that when the time comes, she has all the tools she needs to be an incredible surgeon in the field that speaks most to her." I tell him and it's not a lie. I owe her my best teaching, my un-biased teaching, the same degree of attention I would give any other intern as clearly gifted for my specialty as she is.
"Obligation huh? And you think that she's going to choose neuro?"
"She has an affinity for it. I would be doing her a disservice by not nurturing the natural talent she possesses."
Mark smirked "I wish you could hear yourself man. You are so screwed. So so screwed." He told me laughing and his line started reeling.
I know I am. I don't need to hear it from my best friend too.
He started reeling it in quickly, but the fish got off. He groaned
"Maybe if you were more concerned with catching our dinner and less concerned about my friendships, you wouldn't have lost it." I told him with a laugh.
Mark rolled his eyes "So I heard your favorite intern is having a house party this Friday. Looks like Stevens and O'Malley moved in with her and they're throwing something for Steven's boyfriend."
He never could just let conversations go.
"How do you know?" I asked him
"I sleep with the nurses. The one I was with last night invited me to it."
"I sleep with a nurse too and haven't heard anything."
"No, you sleep with a scrub nurse. Very different type of breed."
"If a scrub nurse even looked your way, you'd sleep with them." I retorted. Where does Mark get off on all of this.
"That's true but scrub nurses want to settle down, have kids do all the things I run from. Regular nurses, they're down for random sex and fun" he said wagging his eyebrows suggestively.
"I love how you just peg massive groups of people as if they're all going to have the same values." I told him turning my attention back to the water. It was so clear, so pure. I loved summers in the Washington wilderness.
Mark rambled on but I tuned him out. Mark is my brother and I love him, and he was there for me during my very dark period moving out of Boston, but I needed a second to process this massive change in my life. I don't know what possessed me to want to be her friend or why I was even as open to her in anyway but as soon as I saw her all the feelings, I felt for her the night I met her at Mass Gen kept creeping back. That night, I knew she was someone I wanted to know and the first thought that crossed my mind after the shock of seeing her again wore off, my thoughts alone were that I wanted to know her again. But I can't. Mark is right, I have a girlfriend who doesn't deserve me being focused on anything other than her. I can't be friends with Meredith Grey. I can't. It's an epiphany I didn't want to come to.
In our conversation that night at the bar there was a delicate tension there that I couldn't pinpoint but it was deeper than just two past lovers connecting for the first time in a while. There was also a warmth of looking another person in the eye and finding a familiarness, a home in their eyes. Something med school never taught you, how to make that feeling go away.
My line was reeling, and my thoughts of Meredith dropped and moved onto the fish that caught my hook. Mark and I would be eating good tonight. That is until our pagers started going off.
M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D M&DV M&D M&D M&D M&D M&D
"It's been 48 hours and I still haven't gotten in on a surgery. If I don't get to cut soon, I'm going postal on this whole hospital." Cristina whined next to me as she charted, and I studied.
I laughed. Cristina and were quickly becoming friends. She had a dark and twisty sense of humor, and I was a dark and twisty type of person, so it seemed to be grounds for a great friendship.
"I heard Barbie's in on a surgery right now." Christina continued
"Just an ortho procedure."
"Still. Better than charting."
"The Chief said it was a quiet board today. You know what that means?"
"Car wrecks, shootings, accidents lots and lots of trauma surgeries." Christina noted getting excited
"Mhmm. Let's hope Bailey's not on the war path today" I agreed. Bailey in a bad mood meant that we were on scut.
"Are you planning to specialize in general like Ellis?" Christina asked me looking up from her charts.
"Oh um. No. Well – not no but not yes. I'm undecided."
"You like Neuro." Christina stated without a question.
"I do like neuro."
Cristina eyed me suspiciously "But…" she said seeming to understand there was something holding me back.
"But nothing. I like neuro."
"You're so hiding something. You're not a very good liar and I know that because me, I'm a good liar. I'm probably the best liar you'll ever meet." Cristina told me
I rolled my eyes. "You can't say anything to anyone."
"Okay"
I couldn't believe I was telling her this. "I used to date the head of the department."
"Shepherd?" She asked her eyes wide "Is he good? He looks like he would be good." She continued with a laugh
"I'm so not answering that" I told her with a sheepish grin
"Oh, he is good. He must be very good. So, what's the deal there? Why aren't you banging anymore?" she asked me
"There is no deal. It just didn't work out. Plus, it was a very long time ago so it's not even important."
"Sure, it's not. He's just the head of the department that you may or may not want to specialize in. Plus, he's your boss."
"He's my boss's boss. Not my boss."
"Technically, he's your boss too." She stated.
"I'm screwed" I told her
"He let you scrub in on a surgery so he must not hate you."
"We're friends. Well, we're friendly. We talked at this bar across the street the other night. It was good."
"Well, if this day stays as boring as it's been, I'm going to need to hit up the bar across the street as well when my shift is over."
"I'll join you." I told her with a smile. I felt better getting Derek off my chest. I felt hopeful for the first time in a while. Derek wanted to put the past behind us and build a friendship and nothing made me happier. Sometimes I do regret saying no and I do think of all the what ifs between us. Maybe this is our second chance.
Before either of us could respond, both of our pagers beeped simultaneously almost as an omen to what the Chief alluded to earlier in the day.
Cristina and I ran off to the pit where we were sure Bailey would be waiting for us with the marching orders.
"Grey, Yang over here" came Dr. Bailey's commanding voice. She was little but she had more authority in this hospital than the attendings.
We ran over to where Bailey was finding George & Alex already next to her waiting for our assignments.
"There's been a shuttle wreck, lots of trauma & multiple injuries. Do what your told. Help where you can and don't embarrass me. This is your first big trauma assignment; I expect to hear good things about MY interns from the attending's."
"Did you page Shepherd and Sloan." I heard the chief tell a nurse in the background.
"Already here." I heard Derek say as him and Mark strode through waiting for the ambulances to drop off the victims of the shuttle accident. Derek and I eyed each other briefly before I offered him a small smile. He offered one back but quickly began asking the Chief for more information on the wreck.
"Multiple Head Trauma's, A face laceration, punctured lung. I don't have time to go through the details Derek. I need Burke. Is he still operating?" the chief asked his head nurse
"They're closing now." She told him.
"Have a resident close. I need him now. Page him again." The Chief told the nurse.
"Ambulance is pulling in" came Bailey's voice and we all waited on bated breath.
The EMT began filling us in on our first patient. A neuro patient who was unconscious, experienced blurry vision and was saying incoherent sentences before passing out. They were able to determine his head was hurting though because the patient complained of headaches before they got him on the stretcher.
"I got him. I need an intern. Give me Grey" Derek told Bailey
I looked at Dr. Bailey "You heard him. Grey go with Shepherd."
I heard the other interns whine in the background except for Cristina. She had no interest in brain surgery. She probably wanted the guy with the punctured lung.
"I'm going to do a quick once over once we get to an exam room and then I'm going to need you to get him a head CT ASAP. Make sure they take him first. He's bleeding in the brain and needs surgery now." Derek told me
"Got it." I told him as I helped him move the gurney through the hallway.
"Meredith, the other night-" he started
"It was good. I…. I've wanted to talk to you for forever about everything. I'm glad I got the chance to." I told him sincerely.
He sighed like he wanted to say something, but we reached an open exam room and Derek went back into Dr. mode immediately with me assisting. We did a quick but thorough exam before Derek declared that our guy needed a CT yesterday.
"I'm serious about the CT. Make sure he gets in immediately and then page me with the results. I'm going to check the pit for more brain injuries." Derek told me before rushing off.
"I guess it's just you and me now." I told the patient before making my way down to CT.
I got his CT right away and immediately paged Derek who knew exactly what to do within seconds of looking at the results.
"We need an OR now." Derek told me and I worked with the head nurse to get another surgery rescheduled.
Once in surgery, Derek worked meticulously letting me observe as closely as possible. At one point, I was able to hold the scalpel and it was probably the best feeling I've experienced in a while. I was still new to this, but the rush of surgery didn't seem like it was going to get old anytime soon. There was a tension between Derek and I in the room. Not necessarily bad but also not necessarily good. It was just there. It was so obvious to me that I wondered if other people felt it too. I couldn't take my eyes off Derek and the open brain Infront of us to try and read people's faces. I did look up at one point to see a scrub nurse eyeing Derek as much as I felt like I was. I was pulled from my thoughts though when the patient on the table started to flat line.
"We're losing him." Derek stated and I started compressions. Luckily, I was able to revive him.
"Good work Grey." Derek told me softly almost if only for me to hear. I grinned at him under my mask, and he grinned back at me briefly before continuing his work on the patient.
Right when it seemed Derek had the patient back under control, blood was spilling out of his brain faster than it had before.
"He's bleeding out. I need lap pads" Derek yelled out and a scrub nurse brought him over what he needed.
Derek couldn't get the bleeding under control and the guy flat lined again. After a lot of effort on all our ends and despite doing everything, we could, the patient died.
Silently, we both entered the scrub room. We were silent at first, both wanting to speak to the other but not sure what to say.
"You did a good job in there. He was too far gone already. We did everything we could." He told me. This loss was painful. He felt it. I felt it.
I nodded as I ran my hands under the water.
"Earlier, you were trying to say something about the other night, and I cut you off." I started rinsing my hands and looking at him.
"Yeah-" he said to me like he was in a dream. "Yeah- I… It was good…. Closure." He stated looking at me like I pained him.
I nodded "Closure, right." I stated. He was silent looking blankly at the sink in front of us.
"So, the whole friend thing?" I questioned. He turned to me looking regretful like he was about to say something that would hurt.
"Probably not the best idea. It was late and we were drinking. It's a nice thought but I don't think, I just don't think it's the best idea considering everything…" he trailed off.
"Oh. I get it. Yeah, that's… it makes sense why you feel that way. I mean I know the history and the new life here. I get it." I rambled
"Meredith" He started wanting to say something to soften the blow
"It's fine. I really do understand, Derek." I told him curtly plastering on a fake smile as I turned off the sink.
"There you are. I thought you already left to go talk to the family" a dark headed woman said walking into the scrub room interrupting over conversation.
"I'm going there now." He told her distantly.
"I'm sorry you lost the patient. How about I make it up to you tonight with a homemade dinner." She told him walking closer and wrapping her arms around him.
So, this is the new girlfriend. The scrub nurse from today's surgery. Predictable.
I heard my pager go off. The pit. They needed all the hands they could get, even unexperienced intern hands. I left the room and felt his eyes on me the entire time boring into my back. He could take his friendship and shove it. I guess it's closure.
Closure as I felt him beside me as we pronounced another victim of the shuttle accident dead.
Closure as I assisted him with a head laceration. Apparently, plastics was overwhelmed.
Closure as I finally got away from him for the first time in 12 hours. Closure as I made it to Joe's with Christina.
Closure as I saw him kiss that scrub nurse and I left Joe's with another guy with his eyes on me the entire time.
Closure as I fucked that guy silly in my mom's old house.
Closure as he avoided me at work.
Closure as I started speaking up for general surgery cases during rounds.
Closure as I declined scrubbing in on a surgery with him.
Closure as we road an elevator and his mouth found mine.
Closure, yeah right.