AN: We will be experiencing dark Derek this chapter, fair warning. We all know he has a dark side so don't come at me in the reviews hahaha jk I love reading all of them and appreciate the time everyone that reviews take to leave me a note. It does keep me motivated to update faster for you guys

My Tears Ricochet

Even on my worst day

Did I deserve, babe

All the hell you gave me?

'Cause I loved you

I swear I loved you

I had been avoiding her. I welcomed day 3 of my Meredith Grey avoidance project with a piping black cup of coffee; a feeble attempt to hide the rings around my eyes. I was a doctor though; I knew coffee wasn't the treatment to the issue at hand just the band aid. The issue was her. Specifically, her tendency to sleep with any man with a pulse. I saw her leave with strangers at the bar multiple times a week. Worse, to do that after her and I had just been together the prior night with Jackson Avery of all people. I hadn't slept. Couldn't sleep. A few hours here and there in an on-call room. Avoiding the trailer. Avoiding Rose. Avoiding her. Luckily, the past three days had been busy at the hospital. I cursed myself for finding delight in other's misfortunes, but I couldn't face her or the problem. I wasn't the avoider; she was but she crushed me. Again. My refuge was my job. Staying focused. Staying busy. Saving lives.

"Dr. Shepherd." Came Dr. Baileys cool acknowledgement as she placed her order at the coffee cart.

"Dr. Bailey" I replied giving her a tight smile.

"I haven't seen you leaning on doorways and intern locker rooms lately." She remarked.

"Busy couple of days." I muttered. I had a huge amount of respect for Dr. Bailey but in my fit of exhaustion and heart break, I was in no mood for her snarky attitude.

"Mhm. I heard that." she acknowledged. It had been hell the past three days on all of us. Before I could walk away, she turned to look me square in the face.

"The Chief wants Meredith Grey on your service this week. He says she's not logging enough neuro hours." Dr. Bailey informed me giving me a questioning look.

"Why is the chief so invested in an intern?" I asked redundantly.

"That's what I asked but hey I'm not the one in charge around here. Clearly." She replied grabbing her cup of coffee and opening a few packs of sugar.

I pinched the bridge of my nose "I can't take Meredith- Dr. Grey today. I have no use for her."

"Was that not your name on the board for an aneurysm this morning?" She deadpanned.

I sighed taking a huge gulp of coffee. I lost and both Miranda and I knew it.

"I'll have her round on your patient this morning. Nice talking to you Dr. Shepherd" Bailey remarked before stalking off.

I had never met a resident that wasn't scared or at least careful around an attending. Again, I respected her as much as you could respect another person, but I didn't need this today.

So long to my avoidance project.

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Dr. Bailey told me that I was on Dr. Shepherd's service today. Derek and I hadn't had the chance to speak since he bailed on wanting to talk at my place. I knew he wasn't the biggest fan of Jackson when we dated and figured he didn't want to have the conversation with him around. To be honest, I felt like I was on autopilot since Jackson dropped the news about my mom. I still haven't called her. I'm torn. Part of me wants to run to her, help her, tell her it's okay but the other part of me knows my mother and her pride. She doesn't want me to know for a reason- at least not yet. And I have to respect that to a certain degree.

I flipped through the patient's chart. Neil Brooks 35. Came into the ER last night experiencing severe migraines and nausea. I looked through his previous history and made my way to his room. I was happy to be back on neuro, it had been awhile and I wanted the opportunity to talk to Derek.

"Hi Neil, I'm Dr. Grey. I'll be assisting Dr. Shepherd today with your surgery." I told him plastering a smile on my face.

"Dr. Grey, wow. You have beautiful eyes. Has anyone ever told you that?" he flirted offering me a sheepish grin.

I laughed moving closer to him and checking his eyes "I'm just going to check your vitals and get you prepped for surgery." I told him

"So, this prepping for surgery, what all does it entail?" he asked suggestively.

I rolled my eyes and laughed. "Well, we have to shave your head for starters." I told him as I brought the stethoscope to his heart.

"I'm going to hope that you're strangely into bald dudes." He told me with a smile. "Quite the opposite." I thought in my head but offered him a smile.

"Are you concerned about me screwing up your haircut?" I joked

"Not in the least. So are doctors allowed to date patients?" he asked me

"No, they aren't. Neil, I see you've met Dr. Grey. She will be assisting on your surgery today." Derek said entering the room holding a folder. I offered a small smile which he didn't return.

"Dr. Shepherd, you never told me that such beautiful doctors work at this hospital" the patient stated with another grin thrown my way.

I won't lie, Neil's an attractive guy. The type of guy I usually go for at bars, but I'd never cross a line with him or any patient for that matter. My job is too important.

Derek looked between the two of us "Yes, well. We'll take you into surgery here in the next bit. Dr. Grey, can I speak to you in the hall?" Derek asked turning to me with a seething look before offering Neil a small and polite smile.

"I'll be right back." I told Neil with a smile while removing my gloves and following Derek outside.

"I don't think you need me to tell you that it's inappropriate to flirt with patients." Derek told me angrily as we made our way out into the hallway.

"You're kidding right?" I asked with a laugh. The look on Derek's face caused my laugh to fade quickly.

"I take my job very seriously, Dr. Grey. I advise you to do the same or I'll be forced to report this to the chief." He told me void of any emotion.

I could feel my brows furrow "Derek, I wasn't flirting with the patient, and you know that." I told him sincerely. I didn't know why he was being so harsh and formal with me, especially after the other night. I could see there was confliction in his face- something more he wanted to say to me.

I saw his eyes briefly soften before they hardened again. "Just finish prepping Mr. Brooks for surgery." He told me

"Are you in a bad mood or something today? Because you're giving me the cold Derek face and I didn't do anything." I told him searching for a reason.

He sighed "I-" then he shook his head "I'll see you in the OR. Be prepared" He barked and stalked off.

Derek could get in these moods. I knew that about him. I was with him for too long not to know when Derek was having one of his dark moments. Sometimes, he would take that out on me, and I figured this is all that was. It wasn't okay but I had my mother to worry about and I didn't have the emotional capacity at the moment to focus on anything else.

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An hour later, we brought my patient into surgery. Meredith and I scrubbed in silently. I didn't want her in this OR. I didn't want to be distracted. I didn't want to deal with the tension. I didn't want it to be like this.

The surgery would be difficult. It was a complicated aneurysm and a surgery that would surely take all day. I could feel her presence while I operated. I did my best, my absolute best to drown her out. I should be teaching her, but I was silent. I could tell the whole team felt my tension, felt my anger, felt my confusion, felt my sadness, felt me. I wanted to remain strong, in charge, emotionless. I was an attending, the head of neuro surgery, I was supposed to be a force to be reckoned with but she made me feel weak, weak in front of my staff and that wasn't okay with me.

"Dr. Grey, I need you to hold this clamp. If you so much as move a muscle, this man will die immediately. Do you think you can handle it?" I asked her coldly

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd." I heard her say. She was fearless. A true force of nature, she didn't have to fake it. It's who she was.

"Fine. Go ahead." I spoke void of all feeling. I had to remain emotionless around her. I had to.

I felt her body inch closer to mine and a part of me relaxed. She was a calming presence in my life and always had been. She held the clamp for 8 hours and didn't move a single muscle, didn't flinch, didn't ask for a break.

All of that was in vain though because as we were closing, the patient flat lined and we couldn't bring him back. Sometimes, these things just happen but I couldn't fight the rage as Meredith, and I were the last ones to leave the operating room.

We scrubbed out side by side.

After a moment of hearing nothing other than the stale hospital air and water running, she spoke turning her attention to me.

"I'm sorry about the patient. It sucks. He was a nice guy." She told me

I nodded and couldn't contain the dark laugh that sputtered out of my mouth "Are you ever anything other than sorry?" I barked

"Excuse me?" she replied with a raised voice.

"It's all you ever are. Sorry. You've never been accountable for a single thing in your life."

"I'm not the reason he died Derek. You aren't either. Where is all of this coming from?" she asked calmly. Her calmness in the face of adversity is a superpower. I wish I was more like her.

"I don't want to work with you anymore. I don't care what the Chief wants. This is torture and I refuse to teach you. You're off my service for good." I told her drunk on this pain. My words shoot to kill when I'm mad, I've always been like that. I need to be better, but I can't stop it.

"You can't refuse to teach me. I'm an intern-"she argued before I cut her off.

"Yeah, and I'm an attending. Hell, I'm the head of the department I can do whatever I want."

"Derek, I swear if this is about you thinking I was flirting with the patient, I told you I wasn't." She was angry now.

"I'm sure it wouldn't be the first one. I bet if he would've lived, he would have been next on your list. You've already slept with half of the guys that hang out at Joe's. You must have run through them too quickly that you had to have Jackson Avery come out to satisfy you."

"What did you just say to me?" she asked harshly.

"It's unforgivable." I stated.

"I don't remember ever asking you to forgive me."

"Who's next? Alex? I know how much he likes to sleep around. You two have that in common." I said before turning away.

She grabbed me by my scrub top stopping me and forcing me to turn around.

"You don't get to call me a whore. I know that I hurt you in the past. And I know that you have a lot of anger towards me but there's no excuse. You have a girlfriend and you slept with me. You have no idea what you are talking about with Jackson. And you know I would never cross a line with a patient. I've made mistakes but I left you alone when you asked for it and you're the one that came on to me the other night. If you're mad because a patient flirted with me and because my friend flew across the country to visit me, then get over it. You don't get to call me a whore." She finished and I could see the tears in her eyes.

"This thing with us is finished. It's over."

"It was over the second I turned you down." She spat and it hurt.

I nodded "I meant it when I said I refuse to teach you. Let Bailey know you're off my service, indefinitely." My final blow. I left the scrub room leaving her to digest my words.

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace but as I made it home to the trailer that night, I wish I could call to her, look at how my tears ricochet. Cause I love. I swear I love you.

I had to kill her, but it killed me just the same. I'm tossing out blame, drunk on this pain but look at how my tears ricochet. Look at how my tears ricochet.