walk steady on this cruel world's path

By: Aviantei

Part Twelve:

"Storm Clouds in Our Hearts"

"I'll be blunt," I said, standing before Zenitsu, Tanjirō, and Inosuke as they sat in seiza position in the courtyard, "as you guys are, just trying over and over again isn't going to let you beat Kanao-san." None of the boys looked pleased by that assessment, but none of them protested, either. Since they'd been at this for at least a week, they were already aware of the wall they were up against. "Now, I could tell you why that is, but being able to point out your own flaws is an important part of improving. So, why do you think she has the advantage over you?"

"The way she moves," Tanjirō said, sounding thoughtful. "I don't know how to describe it, but it's the same way that you and Shimizu-chan do, Rairi-senpai."

I nodded; that much was true. "You're on the right track. Now, what do you think lets all of us move on that different level?"

"Because you're strong," Inosuke said with a huff. "People who are strong are always better!"

"Well, yeah, but natural talent isn't the only factor. If it were, you'd never be able to improve enough to win, and I'm sure you wouldn't be satisfied with that." Inosuke winced, which was telling enough, and all three of the boys' brows furrowed as they tried to figure it out. Well, I just wanted them to assess where they were; it wouldn't hurt them too much to give a little hint. "The key is something you all already know how to do; you just don't know how to do it the right way to score a victory. That's what separates you all from someone like Kanao-san, though you're all from the same Final Selection group. Now, what's a skill that's essential for being a Demon Slayer?"

There were a few beats of silence, until Zenitsu gasped. Tanjirō's and Inosuke's eyes snapped over to him. "Breathing," Zenitsu said, managing to get on the right track. "It's something to do with Total Concentration?"

"Bingo," I said, pointing at him. Zenitsu beamed with pure joy at the praise. "You don't need to change the way you're doing Total Concentration. You just need to change when you're doing Total Concentration." And now was the trickiest part to describe and make it sound plausible. "Total Concentration: Constant. Kanao-san, Shimizu-chan, and I are always enhancing ourselves with Total Concentration, even when we sleep. Hashira do this, too. If we're always bolstering our physical abilities, it's easy to outpace you guys, who just use Total Concentration in moments where you think you need it."

As expected, Zenitsu, Tanjirō, and Inosuke's expressions all shifted to pure shock. Don't worry, boys, I know how you feel. It sounded ridiculous when I first heard it, too! But I promise it's possible. It didn't take long before they looked to Shimizu, who was observing from a seat on the edge of the manor's porch.

"It's true," she said, earning another fresh round of gaping stares. "I know that it sounds tough. You three are all still at the point where even using Total Concentration a few times makes you feel drained, huh?" Zenitsu and Tanjirō nodded, while Inosuke's look of dissatisfaction was answer enough that he was the same, but he just didn't want to outright admit it. Shimizu wagged a finger. "You won't be able to do it right away; you gotta build up the endurance for it. But if you don't try, you'll never reap the benefits, you know?"

She'd said what I would have, so I let those words sink in. The boys all exchanged wary looks, but Tanjirō was the first to clench his fists and nod. "If Rairi-senpai and Shimizu-san say it's possible, then it's gotta be! I don't know how good I'll be at it, but if that's the secret to getting stronger, then I won't back down." He sucked in a deep breath, paying attention to the rhythm, though when he let out a tired sounding exhale a few moments later, he didn't give in, getting up and running off to practice more.

Shimizu cleared her throat, raising her voice. "This sort of thing is a super basic technique," she said, and I could all but see Inosuke's ear twitch at the words. "If you can't do it, then it's just something you can't do. But since it's so basic, even someone at you guys' level should be able to pull it off."

"Hah?" Inosuke said, bristling. "I'll show you, Gimigu! This is something Inosuke-sama can handle, no problem." He let out a scream that was more of a roar, sprinting off after Tanjirō further into the courtyard. That meant just one person was left, and I squatted down to be on eye level with my kōhai.

"Zenitsu," I said with the same patient smile I'd learned worked best on him, and he looked up to me with those watery eyes. "Don't forget what I said before. So long as you keep trying to improve, it's okay if you screw up." He nodded. "You know how to put the work in. Your Hekireki Issen is just one piece of proof of what you can do when you're determined. I won't say it'll be easy, but I know you can pull this off. And if you wanna whine and bitch about it, you can always come to me, yeah? I'm still your senpai, so I'll listen."

Zenitsu teared up a little, but I could tell by the smile on his lips that it was a happy kind of cry. He wiped his eyes on his pajama sleeve, and, when I could see his face again, his expression was set with determination. "Alright," he said, clenching his hands into fists. "It sounds impossible, but I know you wouldn't make me do something I couldn't handle. So I'll give it a shot. I'll make you proud of me, Senpai!"

"So as long as you give it your best and keep trying, I'll always be proud of you, okay?"

Another rush of tears sprung up, but Zenitsu blinked them away and jumped to his feet, following after Tanjirō and Inosuke, who seemed to be working on sword drills while trying to pay attention to their breath at the same time. I watched him go with a smile and decided to join Shimizu sitting on the side of the porch.

"You're the one that told me about Total Concentration: Constant in the first place," I said, leaning back on my hands. "You didn't mention it to them?"

"I was planning to," Shimizu said, tucking some hair behind her ear. "But I wanted them to see how far they could get without it, so they could be aware of how much they progressed." She turned to me, a mischievous little grin on her face. "I'm glad I waited. You showed up just at the right time, Rairi-kun. You're the perfect senpai to help Zenitsu-kun out."

I flushed, the warmth rushing over my face like an unrelenting summer heatwave. "He just needs a little bit of encouragement. He gets anxious, and his self-confidence isn't the best. I just try to remind him of what he's capable of accomplishing and to be there for him whenever he needs it." I couldn't guarantee anything about the impending Plot, but I could at least help him in small moments like this, for whatever little it was worth.

Shimizu nodded. "And that's what I mean by you being the perfect senpai for him." She hopped up to her feet, pirouetting as she turned to face me, leaning over with her hands clasped behind her back. "Well, it'd be a shame if we didn't take this time to improve, too. Would you be willing to face me in the training games, Rairi-kun?"

Since Shimizu was also an experienced Total Concentration: Constant user, it would be a good exercise—and even if it hadn't been, there was no way I would be able to turn down a request from her. Trying not to think too hard about the fact that the cup game was an excellent opportunity to hold her hand for a few seconds (Dear lord, please don't let Zenitsu notice how much of a disaster I am!), I nodded. "I'd be glad to."

The night was peaceful, and a cool breeze rushed by, catching my loose hair and tossing it through the wind. The sky was clear, with hundreds of bright stars stretching out above. The world was beautiful, and that was just unfair, that it could still look so gorgeous whenever there was something so awful happening before me, when all you had to do was glance down to break the illusion.

In the dead of night with no moon, you couldn't see the red. But the dark puddles soaking into the ground could be nothing else but blood, and it crawled across the bodies like an all-encompassing tar. There were no illusions about whether the people were okay: their limbs were torn apart, their organs were spilling out of their cut open stomachs and chests, their heads were separated from their shoulders, their eyes were lifeless as they looked forward but couldn't see a thing. I stood in the middle of that carnage, my mouth tasting like bile and my hands clenched into tight fists, unable to move while the sobs ripped out of my throat as I recognized the clothes and faces of the corpses around me.

They were not all strangers.

Zenitsu, Kaigaku, Sensei. Shimizu, Tanjirō, Inosuke. Even Kanao, Aoi, Sumi, Naho, Kiyo. Hundreds of more people that I'd crossed paths with before, dressed in Corps uniforms and civilian clothes alike. All of them, people who lived in a world that I had once thought of as a fiction, a series to one day sit down to watch and read, to enjoy. All of them dead.

"If only you'd never woken up here," a voice said in the darkness. "This is all because of you."

Inside the dream, I bent over and hurled, bitter vomit mixing with the gore pooling beneath my feet.

Outside the dream, I jerked awake in my bed with bile pulsing at the back of my throat. I slapped my hands over my mouth, trying to keep it down, which was hard when my body insisted on keeping my mouth open because I couldn't fucking breathe. After getting too used to moderating myself with Total Concentration: Constant, hyperventilation felt like an even more extensive level of personal hell than it once did, and I could recognize the hotness of tears spilling over my cheeks, but I also felt so distant at the same time. I couldn't see the bodies around me in the dark anymore, but that didn't erase the images pressing into the back of my eyelids, the horror robbing from me any sense of control that I could feel over myself. I swallowed down my impending puke at least three different times, and my lungs were screaming. I knew I was having a panic attack, as would always happen after I had another one of my nasty nightmares, but I couldn't find the usual rhythm of my breath that would make it possible to calm down, to reconnect to myself, and every nerve in my body seemed to protest at the very idea of existing any longer.

If only you'd never woken up here. This is all because of you.

I managed to have enough breath in me to sob, and I attempted to stifle the cry, hating how broken it made me sound. I was a Demon Slayer, someone with the rank of Tsuchinoe. I killed monsters in the dark, but I couldn't kill the fears and panic that dwelled inside me, that plagued my sleep, no matter how much stronger I got. If I couldn't overcome this, how the hell was I supposed to help anyone else, to help the people in this cruel world that was only going to get harder on them—?

"Senpai…?"

My head shot up at the sound, uncurling me from the ball I'd wrapped myself into. I hadn't even heard the door open, but someone had come in anyways. They crossed the room towards me, panic across their face—and as soon as they were in range, I snatched onto their clothes and pulled them into a desperate hug. Zenitsu, I realized. Zenitsu whole, Zenitsu warm, Zenitsu alive. Some piece of my brain attempted to calm down, not wanting to show off this side of me to anyone, but Zenitsu had slept two rooms away from me for over a year, and his ears meant that he already knew, the way I would wake up in the middle of the dark, terrified, and I wailed without restraint into his chest as the already crumbling dam inside me burst open.

After an eternity, my body started to feel like mine again. My mouth still tasted awful, but I didn't want to throw up anymore, and I was no longer trembling—though I could feel a lingering vibration all the way in my bones that would cling to me for some time. Zenitsu had been rubbing circles into my back, pulling me back to awareness, and I sucked in my snot as I focused on the sensation and at long last remembered how to breathe, first in an even rhythm, then in the pace of Total Concentration: Constant that I'd worked so hard to maintain these past months.

"Sorry," I whispered. "I must have been loud for you to hear me all the way over here." I'd been granted a guest room to use in the manor for the time being. Though it was in the same wing as the infirmary Shimizu and the boys were in, it was in a different hallway; no one but Zenitsu could have heard me from that distance. "I didn't mean to wake you up."

"Don't even," Zenitsu said, and it was such an oddity to have him scold me that I couldn't even protest. "I heard you because everything else was so quiet. And I'm glad I woke up, so I could help you." Goodness, what a great kōhai he was.

I hadn't pulled back from the hug yet, and I gave his shoulders an appreciative squeeze. "Then thank you. For coming to help when you didn't have to." Sure, I would have recovered otherwise—my body could only panic so much before it worked things out of its system or, failing everything else, the light of dawn tended to help me snap back to my senses—but having someone else around helped. It was a privilege I hadn't had since I became a Demon Slayer, where I was on my own during nights like this.

"Of course I came. It's the least I could do after all the times you've helped me out, Senpai." Feeling steady enough, I released Zenitsu, allowing us to regain some semblance of personal space, though he sat on the side of my bed, in reach if I needed him. I wiped my face on the sleeve of my borrowed pajamas, and then I worked on brushing away Zenitsu's own tears that had sprung up at some point. "Do you…want to talk about it?"

If only you'd never woken up here. This is all because of you.

I shook my head faster than I would have if I were being honest. Maybe talking about it would have helped, but how could I explain that the terror I'd felt wasn't from the possibility of everyone dying, but instead from those deaths being my fault for just existing in a world that I didn't belong in? Even worse, I couldn't just say that I'd go back to my world if I could; I'd come to care so very much for the people here that the thought of leaving them all behind, even if it meant keeping them safe, seemed unbearable.

If you were in a position where you could choose, what would you do? Would you risk everyone else, just for the chance to stay here?

"Zenitsu," I said, my voice still quiet, and he took my hand, knowing that it would help me stay in one piece instead of shattering apart, "I get scared sometimes. Our job is dangerous, and I can't guarantee I'll protect everyone I care about. So while I know you're strong, I still worry that I'm going to find out one day that you or Kaigaku or Shimizu-chan are just…gone." I squeezed onto his fingers, reminding myself that Zenitsu was here, that I was here. "So when I heard that you two were in the same place as a Lower Moon, I was terrified at what could have happened. But I can't pick you up and put you away in a box so you'll be safe, and I don't know what I can best do to help, if there's even anything I can do to help." I released a shuddering breath. "Sorry. As your senpai, I shouldn't be worrying my kōhai with these kinds of things."

Zenitsu looked worried, his eyes shining with tears in the moonlight sneaking in the window, but he shook his head. "It's okay, Senpai. I know this sounds awful but…it helps. Knowing that you get scared, too." Both his hands clutched onto mine, clasping around them like a prayer. "I-I can't promise that I won't ever lose. But I can promise that I'll keep working hard, and I'll always fight with everything I have to make it back safe. I'm…I'm a successor of Jī-chan and a student of Thunder Breathing, too! So please keep believing in me, Senpai, and I promise I'll keep believing in you! And of course, Shimizu-chan and Aniki are stronger than me, so they'll give it their best, too. Okay?"

Despite every worried thought and panicked emotion running through my brain, I could feel myself start to smile a little. "Okay." Zenitsu looked relieved at the words, and I used my free hand to ruffle his hair. "You've grown a lot, Zenitsu. I remember when I used to be the one comforting you all the time."

Even in the dark, I could see the color rush to his face. "Like I said, I want to make you and Jī-chan and Aniki proud of how I've grown. So I can give back to you all as much as you've given me." He sucked in a breath, then stood up, tugging on my hand. "I know it's hard for you to go back to sleep after you've woken up like that, so come on. I want to show you something, Senpai."

I raised an eyebrow but didn't argue, instead untangling myself from the blankets and letting Zenitsu pull me along. "Oh, yeah? What are you gonna show me?"

Zenitsu beamed, a flash of sunlight in the middle of the night. "I want you to see how my Hekireki Issen is coming along!"

[Author's Notes]

Man, we got lots going on this chapter. Some training, some nightmares, and some good ol' kōhai comfort.

And once more I'm here to give all sorts of thanks to Isimp42DBoys, sevgre, LEvely, Ryuuara615, ILikeFoxes828, mr-red193, Seeker7246, arekuruu-inabikari-no-She, The Dusty Crow, Otterly-adorkable, Yothard7, Akirx, rp9976955, VillanousArkGrebin, Zeromk7, DagwoodNoodles, rinringringo, Punk Trash Noiz, Stella-Nyx, ObservantMushroom, Pokechan123, Kojiro Kun, regulus64, tic1-juliopellejero, valshira, himeko63, rufiraufo, Continuous Reader, Tomtakahic, and talahaZ99 for the favorites, follows, and reviews! We've apparently crossed 200 followers on this fic already, and I'm honestly kinda stunned? I appreciate you all, so let's keep rolling right along!

Um, here are some snippets of angst, I guess? I have a bad habit of being mean to my characters, but I think Kimetsu as a series is just like that as a whole, so I'm fitting right in, heh.

It's time for a Taishō Era Secret! Rairi's had nightmares even before they ended up in Kimetsu no Yaiba, from about the time they were eight-years-old. They range from general jump scares startling them awake to more intense stuff like this, though encountering demons and a higher level of people dying has made some of the content a bit worse. Rairi probably has a super intense nightmare on this level about every couple of months, with less intense ones in between.

Next Time: Hekireki Issen: Rokuren, some senpai/kōhai chats, and the arrival of a new mission. Please look forward to it!

-Avi

[06.05.2021]