walk steady on this cruel world's path
By: Aviantei
Part Sixteen:
"These Cloudless Days, Overturned"
I sucked in a breath, the air tasting sterile and a bit like medicine. Fraction by fraction, I opened my eyes, finding myself in a white hospital room. It was overall peaceful, though I could still hear the bustle of activity beyond the door. Whenever I tried to sit up, I made it okay, but my right arm was encased in a tiny purple cast that made it difficult to move around. I poked at the thing, but I couldn't even feel the pressure through the layers of wrappings and plaster—though there was a pang through my bone that had nothing to do with my curiosity.
I broke…my arm?
After a moment, it caught up to me—there'd been screeching tires, and screaming, and—did I remember blood? No, that wasn't right. I'd almost been in an accident, but I'd been okay, save for my now broken bone. Sure, I'd cried all the way to the hospital, but it hadn't been that bad. I must've dozed off at some point, and now I was safe, tucked away in a bed.
Frowning, I looked over my cast with a mix of frustration and morbid curiosity. I was left-handed, so I would be okay, but I wasn't going to be able to play games as easily for a while, which was just annoying. At least I could get the other kids at school to sign it. While I was trying to see how much I could twitch my fingers without hurting myself, the door to my room opened, and I looked up.
Sensei—
(The world skipped, reversed, restarted.)
Grandpa led the way, and his face softened when he saw me. "Ah, you're up. How are you feeling?"
"'M okay," I said, letting my arm rest against my stomach and pretending like I hadn't just been messing with it. Still, I couldn't help but pout. "The cast itches."
Grandpa snorted, dropping himself into the chair beside my bed. "I'm sure you'd rather have that than your broken arm flopping all over the place." I grimaced, and Grandpa ruffled my hair. "Just rest up. We'll make up for the practice you missed when you're better."
"I'm just glad you're okaaay!" Having to jump a little to reach, Zenitsu managed to flop onto the side of the bed. Tears and snot ran down his face onto the blankets as he wailed with all the shamelessness you'd expect of a six-year-old. "That looks like it hurts so much!"
Kaigaku caught onto the back of Zenitsu's shirt and hauled him back. "Knock it off. What do you even have to cry about? They're the one that got hurt."
"But—but—"
"I don't mind; he's just worried," I said. Kaigaku almost pouted, but he still released Zenitsu, who tossed himself back on the edge of the mattress. The hospital bed was plenty big enough for two small kids (and then some), so I scooted over and patted the spot beside me. Zenitsu hauled himself up to my side, and I patted his head with my non-casted hand. "It's okay, Zenitsu. I'm going to be alright."
Zenitsu let out a watery, "Mmhmm," but he still clung to me anyways. Grandpa passed over the box of tissues from the bedside table. Kaigaku seemed as sour as ever, but he still sat at the foot of the bed, his turquoise eyes flicking over me, like he was looking for something wrong with me—well, besides the obvious. "Grandpa, did Mom and Dad say when I'm allowed to go home?"
Grandpa hummed. "They're busy with work today, but they're coming to pick you up this afternoon." I nodded; it was sunny outside the window, so that shouldn't take long. "The boys were just worried about you, so I figured I'd bring them over to see that you were okay."
Zenitsu sucked a large portion of snot back into his nose and cried, "I thought you were gonna dieee!"
"We told you," Kaigaku said, "it's just a broken arm. Of course they're going to be fine!" But I could see the relief on his face, anyways, and I failed at holding back a giggle. He flushed and looked away.
In the back of my throat, I tasted something sour and rotten.
(Something in my thoughts felt like it skipped, like something was out of place. I wasn't eight anymore. These people hadn't been here. The first people I'd seen had been my parents. The atmosphere had been much more somber. And at some point—
"I'm sorry, they're—")
(The world skipped, reversed, restarted.)
I swallowed, the bitter taste melting away like it had never been there in the first place. Even so, I couldn't erase the sense of unease that washed over me as I at last remembered who had been with me when the car had barreled down the street towards me.
"Jaden," I said, almost in a whisper. "Jaden was there. They helped me. They saved me! Are they okay?!"
Grandpa, Zenitsu, and Kaigaku all stared at me for a minute, the silence stretching out. Panic started to hitch in my chest, my breath spiraling out of control as my throat tightened, and I slapped my hand to my mouth.
Jaden's—
(The world skipped, reversed, restarted.)
"Jaden's fine," Grandpa said, reaching out to pat my shoulder, and a sigh of relief rushed out of me as I plopped back onto the pillows. Zenitsu yelped as he fell over with me, but he nuzzled back into my side right away. His presence was comforting; I didn't even care that he was getting snot all over my shirt. "They just got a few scratches. They were much more worried about you since you got hurt."
"Really?!" I looked at Grandpa until he nodded. "I wanna see them…"
"See who, kiddo?"
I shot up in my spot, dragging Zenitsu along with me (again) and sending a sting of pain through my arm. I hissed, and Kaigaku said, "Take it easy, idiot!" but I didn't bother tossing back an insult. Jaden stood in the doorway, their long dark brown hair in its ponytail matching the color of my shorter locks, but their gray eyes matching Mom's. Jaden smiled, with nothing more than a bandage on their temple.
(Jaden in nothing but blood, not moving, their body draped over mine as I cried, the funeral a closed casket one because they couldn't get put back together.)
(The world skipped, reversed, restarted.)
"Grandpa, you lied! You said they didn't get hurt." I tried to hop out of bed, but Zenitsu and Kaigaku both kept me in place. Jaden fixed the issue by walking up to the side of the bed and leaning over so they were in range for me to hug them, and then they pushed back my bangs to press their lips against my forehead. I stretched up, dropping a kiss over their bandage. "You promise you're okay, Jay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. You got out of this way worse than me," they said, and I stared them down. Jaden's smile was genuine, so I knew they weren't lying to make me feel better, but I still didn't like the idea that they'd gotten hurt because of me. Jaden ruffled my hair. "Come on; we both made it out okay. That's all that matters." Happy for the attention, I nodded. "Well, I'm going to keep you company until Mom and Dad get here. What do you say we all play some cards together, okay, Robin?"
"'Kay!"
(The world moved on.)
Eight-years-old and Jaden alive and well.
Thirteen-years-old and laughing with my whole family.
Sixteen-years-old and Kaigaku and Zenitsu getting along.
Eighteen-years-old and graduating high school with Mom and Jaden to watch me.
Nineteen-years-old and—
Nineteen-years-old and staring at myself in the mirror as I tried to get ready for a date with Shimizu and working on coiling my long hair into a braid so it would behave for once in its life. Reaching the end, I pinched the strands together and fished around on the bathroom counter, plucking out a barrette to clip to the end. Looking over the result in the mirror, I paused.
Where did…this barrette come from?
It was overall simple, with a pale lilac color for the base and a few cobalt gems as the decorations. I liked the design enough, sure, but I didn't remember getting it. As I was squinting at it, Jaden wandered into the bathroom and leaned around me to snatch up their hairbrush from the cup on the corner of the sink. I turned to them. "When did I get this?"
"You don't remember?" I shook my head, and Jaden reached over to muss up my hair. I batted back at their hands, then poked them in the side in retaliation. "Kaigaku got you that for your birthday. You should've seen him turn red when you put it on."
"Kaigaku did…?"
(Look, it was your birthday last month, right? Just count it as a late gift if it makes you feel better.)
I winced as a twinge of pain stabbed straight into my brain, and I held a hand up to my temple. "Hey, Robin, you okay…?"
(The world skipped, reversed, restarted.)
I sucked in a breath and blinked a few times, until the spots disappeared from my vision. "I'm okay. Just a headache." Jaden dug into the drawers for some ibuprofen, and I accepted the pills whenever they pressed them into my hand, letting my braid fall back over my shoulder, barrette clipped into place. "I can't believe I forgot that Kaigaku got me that. I must be nervous."
Jaden laughed. "Shimizu's done a number on you." I repeated their words back in a mocking tone, turning around fast enough that my braid smacked into their arm. "Don't be mean, baby sib. It's my sworn duty to tease you."
"Lalala, I can't hear you over the sound of me having a date and you not!"
"Okay, now you're just being rude!" I was trying to stuff my necessities into my handbag, but Jaden caught me from behind around the waist. Though I'd gotten taller, they could still lift me off the ground without issue. "I'm not putting you down until you apologize!"
"Oh, come on!" I kicked and flailed, half laughing all the way. "I didn't even do anything. You're gonna make me late!" Rather than be a decent older sibling and putting me down, Jaden spun around, both of us laughing. "Knock it off, Jay. It's not funny!"
(Knock it off, Jay! It's not funny! You're heavy! Jay, get up—)
"You're not alive," I whispered, feeling like I'd been sucker punched in the chest. "You died back then."
(Jaden bloody, Jaden collapsed, Jaden gone, even though I didn't understand, and all I could do was cry.)
(The world—)
—crumbled.
Tires screeching, screaming voices, a deafening crash, impact, weight pressed down on me, pain rushing through my arm, my head, my back, the last of Jaden's warmth fading away as blood dripped onto me. The scene of my bedroom torn into pieces, I fell into the abyss before landing on the ground, something wet and sticky squelching beneath me as an all-too familiar metallic smell crashed into my nose and vomit pulsed up my throat.
"I died," Jaden's voice said underneath me, and I thought I felt something wet and fleshy moving in time with the words. "I died because I saved you."
"This is all because of you," the voice crooned from the darkness.
"No!" I scrambled to sit up, even as hands attempted to drag me back down to the ground, where I could feel a thick liquid pooling at my feet. "No, shut up! Jaden would have never blamed me! It wasn't even my fault! The driver was the one going too fast, they shouldn't have—" Something caught on my braid and yanked back, hard enough for pain to rip through the back of my skull, and I choked out a scream between my uneven breaths.
"You can say that all you want," Jaden said, their voice echoing in my ear. "I'm still dead, sibling dearest." There was another yank on my hair, this time the grip closer to the base of my neck. "Did you think growing out your hair would be enough to honor me? Or did you want to become me, to make it up to Mom and Dad for getting rid of me? Oh, wait, it didn't matter, because Mom left, too. She couldn't take it anymore, knowing one of her kids killed the other—"
"Shut up! Just shut up!" Breathing was getting harder—it shouldn't be this hard. I knew how to breathe, I knew how to control myself, but I just couldn't do it. Another tug later and the back of my head splashed through the liquid—blood?—and slammed into the ground. There was another, smaller splash, and I just managed to catch the sight of the barrette I'd put on earlier disappearing into the muck. "K-Kaigaku! Kaigaku, help—! Zenitsu—Shimizu-chan—! Someone!"
"Are you sure that's what you want?" the voice in the dark asked.
I went under, liquid closing up and over my face—but I didn't drown. My eyes snapped open, and I was upright again, though I'd seen the sight around me before. Kaigaku, his neck slit open and bled dry, Shimizu, her stomach torn to shreds and organs spilling out around her, Zenitsu, so mangled that it was a wonder I recognized him, and Jaden, always Jaden, collapsed on the concrete, their head caved in and brains splattered over the shattered remains of a face that looked so much like mine would turn out to be in the coming years.
"This is all because of you."
I buried my face in my hands, shut my eyes, but the landscape continued to warp until I saw it, over and over again, unable to escape. Not just that, but the scenes reversed, everyone's bodies piecing themselves together before ripping apart again, the process repeating over and over. If I tried to look beyond them, all I got was more people I knew—Dad, Grandma, Sensei, Tanjirō, Inosuke, god the fucking kids from Butterfly Manor—each of them going through their own personal dismemberment and reassembly. The taste of it all flooded over my tongue, but my body wouldn't even vomit, too frozen to do anything.
"Poor Robin," the voice in the dark crooned. "If only you knew how to protect yourself, Jaden wouldn't be gone. If only you didn't stumble into places you didn't need to go, then the people you love wouldn't have to die." I felt something like a claw run down my spine, but, when I whipped around in a panic, nothing was there. It didn't stop the sensation from repeating, though, and the voice in the dark laughed. "It's always because of you, you know."
"No. No, fuck off." I grasped around in the muck, not even caring that the blood I splashed through was still warm, that I could feel bones bump against my fingers. "I'm not a kid anymore. I'm not weak. I can fight." A familiar texture pressed against my palm, and I pulled my katana into my grasp, the blade metallic yellow and almost gleaming as I stood up, assuming an opening stance. "I don't know what you are. But you don't just get to fuck with me—!"
"You want to fight?" the voice said—except it wasn't speaking from the dark, but from Jaden's mouth, and they spread their arms out, leaving themself defenseless. I clenched my teeth, as if that would do anything to stop my once again shaking hands, my sword wobbling before my eyes. "Go ahead, then. Fight. You've already killed me once, Robin. What's one more time?"
"No." I choked on my voice alone, and hot tears had come spilling out of my eyes that I couldn't push away. How was I still standing, still breathing, still existing? "You don't get to use them like that. You don't get to just wear them like some stupid skin whenever you want."
Of course it didn't listen, of course it let Jaden continue to talk in their own voice. "What does it matter? Come on, Robin—kill me." I didn't move, too frozen in place to even consider retreating. "Oh, that's right. You can't do anything yourself, can you? That's alright. I'll do it for you—"
"Fucking stop!"
But Jaden was already lunging forward, and I couldn't pull back, no matter how much I tried. At least I could close my eyes—but that did nothing to erase the sensation of weight landing just right on my blade, of a body rag dolling as the life vanished from it, and, when I let the fresh corpse slip away, I caught sight of where the sword had pierced straight through Jaden's eye and into their brain before they vanished into the rising expanse of blood stretching out as far as I could see. I tried to drop my sword, but the hilt stuck to my hands, my body jerking around as if pulled by puppet strings.
I saw the others, all of them waiting, and the voice gave me just enough time to vomit up my stomach acid before placing my sword at the ready. Kaigaku charged first, like he always did—and I shut my eyes, but there was still the screaming, and the sensation of slicing through flesh and bone, and every now and then I was forced to see an image of my own sword cutting down the people I cared about—Sensei's head sent flying, Zenitsu through the heart, so many deaths in a row that they started to become senseless—
"Oh, you're right," the voice said, though it was softer now, almost on the verge of a quiet ecstasy. "It's no fun if it doesn't mean anything to you anymore. Hey, I know—how about we start all over again?"
The scene started to melt, the sword dropped from my hands, my body started to shrink, and I could taste the familiar air of a hospital rush over my tongue to compete with the nausea boiling up inside of me as I realized just what was going to happen.
"No, don't—"
(The world skipped, reversed, restarted.)
And I went with it.
[Author's Notes]
Surprise, it's time for all of Rairi's nightmare bullshit to go full force! Featuring a blend of stuff from in their Kimetsu days and stuff from beforehand.
Thanks go to ILikeFoxes828, Ikousetsu, Sakruafan12, Rosay Khann, ZXP, Trabca, PicturequeButterfly, techtion38, Elead, Kur0Y4sha, phanta (Guest), Tanzanite-Pony, ransui, and Musicmonster123 for the faves, follows, and reviews! I continue to appreciate you all so very much.
Good thing I managed to get myself out of my fixation on Neo: The World Ends with You to post on time, heh. The game's been great, so as a long-term TWEWY fan, I humbly request that you go play both games. You won't be disappointed.
Oh, and since I've been asked a few times, I figured I'd make a public note on it: Yes, I am very much aware of Kaigaku's canon pre-training with Kuwajima backstory. The original drafts of these opening chapters in fact referenced it, until I realized Kaigaku's not the type to open up about that whole Thing, and thus Rairi wouldn't know about it whatsoever.
It's time for a Taishō Era Secret! Or, is a Modern Era Secret more appropriate?
Prior to entering Kimetsu, Rairi's name was Robin. The accident where they broke their arm at eight was the same time that their older sibling, Jaden, died protecting them from a car driving too fast at the park. Jaden's hobbies were a mix of listening to music and watching movies. They were fourteen at their time of death. This incident is what started Rairi's nightmares, though they did go through regular therapy in the aftermath of everything.
The grief of losing one of their children put strain on Robin's parents' relationship, and the two of them ultimately divorced. Robin's father gained full custody, and he and Robin moved in with their paternal grandmother, who helped support the family. This happened around the time that Robin was thirteen—about three years before they got dropped into Kimetsu, for those who want the timeline.
Enmu's dream for Rairi essentially blends together their wishes for both their previous life and the current one—Jaden alive, parents still together, having the Thunder Family get along, their feelings for Shimizu returned, etc. Enmu also had a much easier time with twisting their dreams into nightmares, since all they had to do was take everything already bouncing around in Rairi's head and let it go wild.
Also Enmu has intense enby vibes, and you can't tell me otherwise.
Next Time: First Interlude: Zen. Please look forward to it!
-Avi
[07.31.2021]