walk steady on this cruel world's path

By: Aviantei

Part Twenty-Seven:

"Love Is Its Own Kind of Storm"

As a member of the Demon Slayer Corps and as someone with the awful habit of getting nasty head injuries on top of that, I'd had the experience of waking up somewhere different from where I'd fallen asleep before. What I was far less experienced in dealing with was not even remembering when the hell I'd knocked out and waking up with the precursor to a migraine. Most of the time, if I'd gotten fucked up enough in a fight to be unconscious, someone would have loaded me up with painkillers.

Did I get into a fight, though? Everything's blurry.

I curled into a ball, feeling the perfect puddle of warmth still wrapped up in the blankets beside me. No, no fighting. Yesterday, I'd recruited Kaigaku, finished up my program planning, and gotten invited by Rengoku and Kanroji to dinner. I hadn't gotten murdered, but Uzui had called for sake, and, ah, that explained a lot. Though I'd never drunk before, it seemed I'd consumed more than enough to black out at some point and forget it all to boot. Good job, team!

If you can do Total Concentration: Constant, you won't have a problem, my ass!

Griping just made my head hurt worse, so I sucked it up and focused on my breathing, trying to push my pounding brain into something more conductive to the responsibilities I'd have to take care of for the day. In comparison to fixing up my busted spine a while back, something like getting my head to stop aching was child's play, and I sat up after at least a quarter of an hour, trying to remember if I still had water in the room or if I'd need to beg the hired help for assistance.

I was lucky enough to not need to add any groveling to my morning schedule, as some water was ready and waiting next to my futon, along with the rest of my things. I nursed the drink, flipping open the piece of paper I found left behind.

Rairi-senpai, Kochō-sama left us some medicine to help us with the hangover. She said to take it with water. Kaigaku

"Fabulous job, Rairi," I said to myself, opening up the medicine packet and downing the dose inside, not even caring as the bitter taste rushed through my mouth. "Get wasted in front of the Hashira and make your kōhai take care of you. You're a goddamn champ." Throwing back the rest of the remaining water in the jug, I flopped back down on the futon and stared up at the ceiling. If it weren't for Kochō being a fucking genius and the fact that I could already feel my body starting to recover, I would claim sickness and take the day off.

Come on, you're almost done here. Just set Kaigaku up, and you'll be free to go and fight demons again. Nice and fucking simple.

God, what even was my life now? If this was what I considered "nice and simple" a mere three years after time traveling, I wasn't sure I wanted to know what was going to come next.

Everything on the paperwork side had processed well, so that meant Kaigaku was ready to start being a mentor. I'd struggled to find a good fit, but Kei, the Stone Breathing powerhouse from the beach mission, seemed to be a good option. At the very least, whenever I told Kaigaku about her record and how I'd seen her perform in the field, he didn't seem opposed, so I stopped worrying about it and decided to see how things went.

Since I had a few things to take care of before I could head out to pick up my own new mentee, I saw Kaigaku off in the late morning. "Make sure you don't forget everything we talked about," I said, despite the fact that he now had a miniature guide on the basics of what he needed to know about the mentoring process on hand. I'd agonized over the wording in that thing for at least a week, and the Corps staff was more than happy to help me make copies, which was a godsend when we were handwriting the things. "At the end of the day, we're trying to give as many people as possible a shot at surviving. Don't forget that."

"You don't have to tell me twenty different times," Kaigaku said, though his tone wasn't anywhere near as harsh as it tended to be. "I'm a fast learner, Rairi-senpai. I can remember that much."

"I know, I know. I'm just…this whole thing makes me nervous. I've never been in charge of something like this before, and it would be great if it went well, so I want to make sure I do everything I can." I exhaled, twisting my braid around my hand. "I can't be in control of what other people do, though, so…I'm trusting you, Kaigaku. Thank you again for helping. Last night, too."

Kaigaku huffed, looking somewhat flustered. "Do you even know what you're thanking me for there?"

"I mean, I don't remember anything, but you're the one who took me back to my room, right? I gotta at least thank you for that. Plus the program, and just…" I swallowed, it hitting me how peaceful things had been and that that couldn't last much longer. "Can I hug you?"

"Hah?"

Yeah, that had been about the reaction I'd been expecting. "You can say no if it makes you uncomfortable, I'm just…worried. I feel like something like what happened with the Mugen Train is going to happen soon, and I don't know what could go down." Which had been my problem the past entire year, hadn't it? "I mean, we beat an Upper Moon, didn't we? If I were Kibutsuji, I'd want to get back at the Demon Slayer Corps, and I can't help but worry that you or Zenitsu or anyone will get caught up in that and not make it out, and—" I caught my breath, my hands clenched into tight fists. "I don't want you to die."

I hadn't meant to say all that, but the anxiety had been building up in me ever since Zenitsu had mentioned that he'd met Tanjirō and Nezuko—and running straight into the Upper Moon Three had just made everything worse. This whole mess with Oyakata-sama and the mentorship program had been a decent enough distraction, but the realization had caught up to me, and—fucking hell, was I about to cry? No, no, I had to get it together, Kaigaku didn't need to see that—

Why do you expect him to ever open up to you if you won't be vulnerable in front of him?

After two and a half years, I liked to think that I knew Kaigaku pretty well. He was brash and impatient, but he put in the work to be strong. Zenitsu had said he was scared of something underneath all his anger—but Kaigaku pushed hard to never show that, looking down on someone like Zenitsu, who always wore his fear on his sleeve. Had I been trying to hold back in front of Kaigaku so he wouldn't think less of me?

Hypocrisy, thy name is Rairi.

"H-hey, you—" With a hiss, Kaigaku cut himself off. "Come on." When I glanced up, he wasn't looking at me—but his arms were spread in acceptance a hug, and I could catch the traces of red on his face. "If it's you, Rairi-senpai, I don't care if you hug me whenever. So come on."

I blinked a few times, half in shock (like, was I sure that I hadn't jumped into some weird parallel universe or something a few weeks back?) and half trying to keep my tears back. Since I had permission, though, I stepped forward, hooking my arms around his torso and taking advantage of his shoulder to hide my watery eyes in. Kaigaku shifted a little, but didn't move otherwise, and I smiled a bit. "You can hug me, too, you know. It's not like I would ever mind with you." The reason I didn't hug Kaigaku as much as Zenitsu—or at all, as it were—was because I'd always worried he'd want nothing to do with physical contact outside of sparring.

Kaigaku sighed, almost sounding relieved, and one of his arms wrapped around my waist while the other hand patted against the back of my head. "Do you worry that much?"

I nodded, focusing on the feeling of him in my arms: Kaigaku whole, Kaigaku warm, Kaigaku alive, none of the horror of my nightmares able to reach me. "I've…" I swallowed, recalling the Jaden in my dream on the train, the beautiful future that only existed in some other world and for me would never come to pass. "A long time ago. Before Sensei picked me up. I lost my older sibling. It didn't even have anything to do with demons. And I know you're strong and well-equipped, but the people you think will always be there can just disappear, and that idea scares me, Kaigaku."

"I get it." That response hadn't been anywhere close to what I was expecting, and not with how quiet Kaigaku's voice had gotten. "Before… Before Sensei, before I was on the street, I lived at a temple, and I…" He swallowed, and all I could do was hug him a bit tighter. "It was a demon. There were ten of us living there. Three of us survived."

I wanted to move, to look at him, but Kaigaku's hand kept me in place, gentle, yet insistent. If saying I'm sorry would have helped anything, I would have done it, but it never took any of the hurt away. Still, knowing that someone else understood could be enough, and I hoped it would be for Kaigaku, who'd been carrying that burden for so long.

"Do you ever," I whispered, the words spilling out before I could reconsider them, "imagine that they were still alive, even if it meant you were dead?" Kaigaku's breath hitched, and I backpedaled. "No, I'm sorry, you don't have to answer that—"

"It's fine. I… I used to." Kaigaku's fingers found a stray strand of hair that had escaped my braid and tucked it back behind my ear. "But if we both didn't live, we wouldn't have been able to meet, Rairi-senpai, and I'm just a little bit too selfish to pass that opportunity up." His hand lingered a bit longer before it dropped to my shoulder. "We can't guarantee that we'll always fight enemies that we can beat. But worrying about it won't do anything, so I just believe that you're strong enough and you'll at least fight hard enough to survive. So…you can do that for me, too, okay?"

"You're right. I do believe in you." I managed to get a glance at Kaigaku's face in time to catch the genuine smile that formed—yeah, it was small, but it made him look so much softer, and it was a little bit much to take all of a sudden, let alone from so up close. "Just…make sure you keep writing, alright? To let me know you're okay. Your mentor reports don't count." Kaigaku nodded, and I bonked my forehead into his. "And make sure you write to Sensei, too, got it?"

Kaigaku let out a quiet snort of laughter. "Yeah, yeah, I got it."

We squeezed each other in our hug one more time, and then I stepped back. "Travel safe, Kaigaku."

"You, too, Rairi-senpai. I'll write soon."

And then he was gone, which meant it was time for me to get to work.

The good news was that Oyakata-sama approved everything I had submitted, so all I had to do was go pick up my own mentee and stay prepared for touching base back with Headquarters later on. I super was not looking forward to that in the slightest, sure, but I hoped there would at least be something positive that came out of all my suffering.

My plan was to grab one last Headquarters' lunch before hitting the road again, and I was about halfway through my udon whenever someone dropped a rather substantial stack of food on the opposite end of the table before me. "Rairi-san," a voice I recognized as Kanroji's said from behind the pile (which checked out; before the sake came out, I remembered her decimating the most dinner out of all of us), "is it true you're heading out today?" I nodded, wondering when the hell Hashira had started just joining me for lunch. "I'm glad I caught you then! I wanted to apologize about last night."

Um, okay? "I'm not sure you need to worry about that, Kanroji-san. I don't remember much from last night, so you can just pretend whatever's bothering you never happened."

"No, no, Rairi-san, that's just it. I'm the one who was pouring you drinks, and I got carried away there, so if you can't remember anything, that's my fault." Despite the fact that Kanroji way outranked me, her peridot eyes were staring me down with a look that reminded me far too much of Zenitsu whenever he thought someone was upset with him. She clapped her hands together in front of her and dipped her head with enough force to send her braids bouncing. "Please accept my apology, Rairi-san!"

For real? Another Hashira apologizing to me? Just make it stop already. "Like I said, Kanroji-san, I don't remember much, so just wipe the slate clean. I'm sorry if I ended up doing anything stupid while drunk. This unworthy one requests that you erase whatever I did from your memory."

Kanroji giggled, waving her hand through the air. While I wasn't paying attention, she'd already emptied off one of the plates she'd brought along with her. "There's nothing to worry about, Rairi-san. In comparison to how some of the others get, you weren't a problem at all." I sort of regretted not remembering how the Hashira were, but maybe that was for the best; I was disrespectful enough as it was without extra ammo. Kanroji tilted her head. "Is Kaigaku-san still around? I wanted to thank him again for helping out with your program."

That was a topic I could contribute to. "He took off just a few hours ago. I can pass on your thanks the next time I write him, though."

"Oh, would you? That would be wonderful." I nodded, tucking away the request for when I got the chance to follow through on it. Kaigaku would be more than happy that a Hashira had acknowledged him, and I wished I could see his face when he read the news. Kanroji scooted a bit forward in her seat, her expression giddy. "But if that's the case, though, I don't mind asking: Rairi-san, what's your relationship with Kaigaku-san?"

"Did I not say last night? He's my kōhai."

Kanroji repressed a giggle, and I just slurped at my udon, waiting for an explanation of some sort. "No, no, that's not what I meant. Just because he's your kōhai doesn't mean that's all you need to think about him." She put her hands on her hips and puffed out her chest, which made me very concerned for the open front of her jacket. "I am the Love Hashira, after all! I have good instincts for this kind of stuff."

What she was saying caught up with me, and I almost had broth come out of my nose from my half laugh, half choke. "Y-you think that I—with Kaigaku of all people?!"

"Hm, am I wrong?" Kanroji tilted her head, which was overall pretty adorable—but even that effect did nothing to help me calm down. "How would you describe the way you feel about him, Rairi-san?"

"How? He's the most stubborn little shit I've ever met. Back when we were still with our Cultivator, he'd always pester me to train more—not to mention he can be a total asshole and he just gets angry at every little thing! I mean, yeah, he's kind of mellowed out a bit, and I know that if I need him then he's always got my back, plus he cares enough to buy me gifts for my birthday, and…" I recalled earlier that morning, the way he'd held onto me when I was upset, not to mention his smile. I'd always thought Kaigaku was an attractive guy from an objective standpoint, but we'd been so close then, not to mention I could feel his well-maintained muscle under his uniform, which was just unfair, plus, let's be real, his mouth looked super kissable, and— "Oh, god." I groaned, dropping my burning face straight into my hands. "You've got to be fucking kidding me." How long had this been going on? How long had I been so goddamn clueless about it?

Kanroji patted my shoulder, her fingers much thinner than Kaigaku's, and I recalled the tender way he'd pulled my hair back behind my ear, even with the faint roughness of his sword wielder calluses—which just made me die a little extra inside. "Love's always complicated like that, huh?"

The saving grace on that sentence was that she was using koi rather than ai (a distinction which happened to match her Breathing Style's title), but the idea of applying the idea of love just like that to this weird feeling now overwhelming my entire chest was almost a bit too much, even for my level of bluntness. This just had to be some crush, like it was with Shimizu—

Shimizu-chan.

Upon a quick mental survey, it wasn't like I'd stopped liking her and ended up liking Kaigaku instead. Both of them were still precious to me, though in different ways, and thinking about them both at once just made my stomach flip around like it was performing an infinite barrel roll. It wasn't like it mattered, since I didn't see myself pursuing anything of the sort (at the very least, not while Canon was still an issue), but trying to choose between them was a losing battle that wasn't ever going to get anywhere.

"Greedy," I breathed, realizing after the fact that Kanroji was still peering at me. "Oh, no, sorry, I was just thinking and…" Not knowing who else I could talk to about this, I decided it wouldn't hurt to open up to Kanroji, since she'd asked in the first place. "Besides Kaigaku, there's someone else I…" The world like got stuck in my throat, but Kanroji still nodded in understanding. "I was just thinking that if I could, I'd stay with them both, and that just seems so selfish."

Kanroji gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "Don't be so hard on yourself, Rairi-san. You wouldn't try to force that on them if they wanted nothing to do with it, right?"

"Of course not!" Hypocrite I may be, but I wasn't enough of one to lecture Zenitsu and then turn around and use other people like that. Besides, the idea of either of them liking me enough to even want to date me seemed like some far-off fantasy, let alone the both of them; so why was I even worried about it in the first place?

"Then there's nothing at all selfish about wanting to share your love with both of them, so long as you're respecting their wants in the process. We may have known each other for a short time, but I can tell you're someone who cares about the wellbeing of others. You worry about everyone else in the Demon Slayer Corps—so I'm sure you'll be considerate of the feelings of the people you care about." I let the words wash over me, easing away some of my worry. I wouldn't say that Kanroji was on the same level as Oyakata-sama—because, let's be real, could anyone even stand up to that?—but she was comforting in her own way. "And, well, I'm kinda excited. I haven't had anyone to talk about this kind of stuff with; Shinobu-chan's great, but she's so focused on her work that she doesn't think about romance, so…"

While I was a dunce with paying attention to my own feelings, that didn't stop me from recognizing the happy pink dancing over Kanroji's complexion. "So you have someone you like, too, huh?" I asked, and Kanroji nodded. Gossip hadn't ever been my thing, but if Kanroji was willing to listen to me gripe, then I could at least return the favor. "You made me spill, Kanroji-san. Sharing is caring."

"Oh, right!" Kanroji glanced around the dining hall, though there wasn't anyone close enough else to listen in. That didn't stop her from leaning over the table, her braids dangerously hovering over her food. "The truth is," she whispered, blushing even more, "Obanai-san…"

"Iguro-san?" I echoed, causing Kanroji to hush me. I lowered my voice to comply. "Not that I have any room to judge—" Because it seemed that I'd had a raging crush on Kaigaku (fucking Kaigaku!) for lord knows how long! "—but he seems a little…rough?" I still wasn't convinced that he didn't want to murder me, rather that he was delaying the process out of respect for Oyakata-sama.

Maybe that wasn't the best thing to say to someone that was interested in the guy, but Kanroji just giggled at my assessment. "Don't you think that's part of what makes him so charming? I mean, based on what you said about Kaigaku-san, I'm sure you understand." Shit, she had me there. God, when did my taste in people get so stupid? "Still, Obanai-san is wonderful and kind to me…"

Ah, is that why he got so pissy that one time? Because I was trying to keep Kanroji-san from praising me? "Well, I can't claim to have anywhere near as good of instincts as yours, Kanroji-san, but I think the feeling just might be mutual." Kanroji managed to blush an even richer pink than her hair, and my curiosity got the better of me. "Are the two of you…?" It wasn't like the Demon Slayer Corps had anything close to an anti-fraternization policy going on.

"N-no, but I mean, I'd like to…" Given that she was a Hashira, someone that could kill a Lower Moon with no issue, it was a bit surreal to watch Kanroji titter and fidget like a lovestruck teenager—which she was, come to think of it, since we were the same age. Fighting for your life tended to skew your perspective on people's behavior. Her voice was quiet and hopeful as she asked, "Do you think he likes me, too, Rairi-san?"

"He'd be an idiot not to," I said with no sense of tact. Kanroji was adorable as fuck, plus it was obvious that she was caring and compassionate based on the few conversations we had, and being a Hashira also made her a complete badass. "You're incredible, and if he can't recognize that, then he isn't worth your damn time, Kanroji-san."

Kanroji's eyes wavered, and, for one terrifying moment, I was worried that she was about to cry. "Thank you, Rairi-san, I…" She reached out, catching one of my hands between hers over my abandoned udon bowl. "This may be forward, but I'd like it if we were friends and wrote to each other. Please feel free to call me Mitsuri!"

First name basis with a Hashira? Fucking abort mission! But she did have a set of puppy dog eyes that were on par with Zenitsu's, and I attempted to play the only card I had in this situation, which was— "I couldn't do something so disrespectful!" and, yeah, laugh it up, I knew just how fucking hilarious that argument was.

"No, no, I insist, Rairi-san." Oh, god, there was no getting out of this one, was there? I'd just have to be very fucking careful and never let that slip in front of Rengoku, because then he'd want to be on a first name basis, too, and I super was not doing that, nope! "It's…it's always been hard for me to make friends, but it's nice to talk to someone so casually. I appreciate it."

"Well, I mean, I dunno if I'm doing all that much, but I'm glad to help?" Though sometimes the number of people willing to tolerate my bullshit impressed me. Well, it wasn't like I was opposed to having another friend. "If you're sure that's what you want, I'd be glad to be your friend, Mitsuri-san." Her expression lit up into a dazzling grin—and why the hell was everyone around me so pretty? Wasn't this supposed to be a shōnen? "If you can spare the time in your schedule, I'd be glad to answer your letters, too."

"Of course, of course!" Kan—no, Mitsuri said, almost bouncing in her seat. "I'd love to keep talking, but I don't want to keep you here longer than necessary. Is it alright if I write to you about Obanai-san? Oh, you can tell me all about your other crush, too!" Even thinking about Shimizu made me blush all over again, but Mitsuri's excitement was contagious. "Oh, before you go, though, Rairi-san, one more thing. I told you I have good instincts for this kind of stuff, right?" I nodded, more out of acknowledgement than understanding what she was getting at, and Mitsuri waved me closer and whispered:

"I think Kaigaku-san likes you, too."

[Author's Notes]

Rairi is a pan disaster who has two settings: falling for someone immediately and hard or falling for someone slowly without realizing it but also just as hard. There is no in between.

Thanks to Rectus22, ILikeFoxes828, Kyunlei, LycorisXMyosotis, shriyansthakur, mizz-jollyrancher, rolearm, ApolloGeek27, gmissy82, BuffyWaffles, Goshikiii, lili7493, and gg (Guest) for the favorites, follows, and reviews! We not only broke my all time favs record, but also my all time story views record as well? I'm stunned and elated; I never would have imagined this fic picking up so much steam so fast, and it's thanks to all of you! I super appreciate you.

I was so hyped to write Mitsuri, because she's def my favorite Hashira! I wouldn't say she's going to be a Main Character, but there will def be more of her in the future. Mitsuri sees all...

Can you believe its 2022? The one year anniversary of this fic is tomorrow, I wonder whatever could happen then...

It's time for a Taishō Era Secret! Mitsuri has tried several times to try and get Shinobu to chat about romance with her, but it hasn't worked out. Shinobu's focus on trying to defeat Dōma and understanding that this may require her death has made her keep her distance from the idea of close relationships. She used to talk about such things with Kaede, though, before her elder sister's passing.

Next Time: Letters, letters, and more letters. Please look forward to it!

-Avi

[01.01.2022]