walk steady on this cruel world's path
By: Aviantei
Part Thirty-Four:
"Final Roars of Thunder"
Considering that we were well into autumn by now, it was a little unfair how nice the weather was. The temperature was downright balmy all things considered, and the sky was an unrelenting and unfair clear blue. If it weren't for the vibrant oranges, reds, and yellows of the nearby trees and the presence of green kabocha pumpkins in the fields, I might have been convinced that it was still summer.
Just another summer day off from training, a chance to enjoy the world as it was without any other stress…except I knew those days were long, long past as I gave halfhearted greetings to the locals that recognized me. Funny how much could change in just a year, what a different person I was since I had last set foot at home.
Sensei's house looked the same as ever, not even changed at all, and I wanted so much to believe that I'd find the same old scenes inside—Zenitsu playing the koto, Sensei sipping at tea, Kaigaku training despite the fact that he could take the time to rest—though I knew I'd never see anything like that again.
Once more in the few days I'd been traveling, I stopped and hunched over on the side of the road, trying not to vomit. Considering that I had nothing left in my stomach (I'd already hurled up my breakfast on some forest road not even a few hours ago), nothing came up save for bile, but I couldn't erase the feeling of sickness. I should have just sent Tadashi with a letter, but that had felt like the coward's way out. No, I needed to deliver the news to Sensei in person, take responsibility for my failures as a Demon Slayer, as a senpai.
As one of Thunder Breathing's successors, as a student of Kuwajima Jigorō.
With way more concentrated breathing than I would have liked to admit was necessary, I steadied myself and made it to the house, opening the front door and trying my best to guess where Sensei would be at this time of day since he didn't have to fuss over any students to train—and here I was, bursting in on his retirement with the worst possible news.
"Rairi-sama?!" I looked over at the voice, finding Kimiko, one of the members of the home care team gaping at me. "You should have written that you were coming to visit, we could have prepared something for—" She cut herself off, noticing that I looked fucking awful, what with a few days' worth of travel and guilt clinging to me. "Are you sick? You shouldn't be walking around. Here, I'll prepare a bath, so—"
I shook my head, stilling her protests. "Is Sensei home?" In general, with no one home, everyone else had the day off, too, but Sensei's letters had mentioned that he was getting a bit too old to tend to the chores without us around, so who knew what else had changed.
"Yes, he just sat down for some tea, but you should—Rairi-sama, wait!"
I didn't wait, marking my course for Sensei's favorite sitting room to take tea in. It got plenty of sun, and you could smell the peaches from the orchard when they were in season. Kimiko tried to keep up with me, but I didn't give her much of a chance at matching my pace. Now that I was so close, the need to get everything out in the open was incessant, like something was trying to crawl out from underneath my skin. And, well, if I didn't push through now, I was afraid that I'd lose the courage to go through with it.
As trite as it was in comparison to my barging in without any forewarning whilst looking a total mess, I at least didn't slam open the door to the sitting room when I arrived. Even so, Sensei looked up at my presence. "Sorry to intrude, Sensei," I said, wanting to show some respect in the middle of everything.
"Child," he said, "you can at least pay your respects to me after you've at least rested a bit—"
"No, I can't." While me talking back to Sensei wasn't anything new in the slightest, he didn't snap at me for whatever reason—maybe because I looked as desperate as I felt. Not getting told otherwise, I settled down onto the floor in the usual seiza position, not even caring that I didn't have a cushion or a cup of tea. Just the thought of drinking anything made me feel nauseous all over again, but I swallowed down what I could of the awful taste and forced the words out of my mouth: "Kaigaku became a demon."
Sensei was excellent at keeping his expression under control, but for a moment I saw his beady eyes widen before he wrangled his face back into a focused look. "Rairi." Rairi, not Child. Serious. "Explain."
So I did my best to share what I knew: that at some point in the past few weeks, Kaigaku had become a demon, that he'd shown up on one of my missions, that he'd offered for me to become a demon as well. I didn't tell why he'd made that offer, nor did I mention the vial of blood still tucked in my pocket. I had no intention of drinking it, of course, but I hadn't been able to convince myself to throw it away, either, like it was somehow important as a gift Kaigaku had trusted me with.
What a fucking joke.
"I see," Sensei said once I was done, and I couldn't read his expression anymore. He sipped at his tea, though it must have gone cold by now. "To have my own student choose to betray the Demon Slayer Corps is my failure as a teacher. I'll have to take responsibility for it."
The twisting feeling of dread hit me again in full force. "We don't know that," I said, still clinging to whatever I could find. Sensei looked at me, something like pity in his eyes, but I pressed forward. "We don't know if he made that choice or not, Sensei. Kibutsuji can turn people into demons without any consent at all—"
"Do you think he would bother with a member of the Demon Slayer Corps, his enemies? If so, why not just turn us all?" My mouth snapped shut, and a familiar harsh burn prickled in my eyes, though I refused to let myself cry. "You're right, Child, we don't know what happened. But the fact remains that Kaigaku's become a demon, and he said himself that he's already killed people. Having a user of Thunder Breathing turn into an enemy is my responsibility. I'd hoped I could have a peaceful death after retiring, but seppuku is the least I can do."
In that moment, I remembered talking with Tanjirō back at Butterfly Mansion, how he'd mentioned that his and Shimizu's mentor, Urokodaki Sakonji, along with the Water Hashira, Tomioka Giyū, had both put their lives on the line for Nezuko. How did offering to kill yourself fix anything? It didn't, and yet they'd decided that was the best outcome, a form of repentance—and Sensei was saying the same thing.
"That's not fair at all!" My shout echoed through the room, and I clenched my hands into fists in my lap, glaring at Sensei without any reservation. "You shouldn't have to do that, Sensei. If anything, I'm the one that should take responsibility!" If I'd known, I could have stopped this. If I'd stopped Kaigaku, Sensei wouldn't— "I couldn't even fight him! He's my kōhai, so I should have handled it! I failed in my duty as a Demon Slayer and let him escape, too! If anyone should die because of what he's done, it's me!" It wasn't like I belonged in this world, anyway; taking me out of the picture wouldn't matter in the long run.
I've already lost Jaden and Shimizu and Kaigaku, Sensei. Please don't make me have to live through losing you, too. Not like this. If Sensei could at least be alright, I'd take his place without hesitation.
But Sensei shook his head, and I knew I wasn't going to convince him otherwise; no matter how stubborn I was, he was always able to outlast me. "If you feel responsible, Rairi, that falls with me, too. A student's mistakes are their teacher's mistakes, after all." I tried to form a retort, but I couldn't find any words, and, even if I could, I wouldn't have been able to make them take shape in my mouth, fucking speechless at the worst possible time. "Besides, I need you two to carry on as my successors, after all. It won't be the future I wanted for you all, but you and Zenitsu will do wonderful."
Oh, god, Zenitsu.
Sensei couldn't have known, but bringing up Zenitsu was both the best and the worst thing he could have done. Because I knew that if I disappeared, too, Zenitsu would be even more heartbroken then losing Kaigaku would make him—that he would need me if Sensei did take his own life in penance. But it was also a reminder that I'd not just failed Kaigaku by not being able to prevent this, but Zenitsu as well. I could have protected him from this tragedy, but I didn't, and now…
"Isn't there some other way? We can't…" We can't—I can't make it without you. Please.
"You can. I know better than anyone what you two are capable of. It won't be easy, but you two will make it through, just like you always have." I recognized that tone; the one that meant there wasn't any room for argument. If the news wouldn't have made it back to Sensei, I wouldn't have even told him if I knew this was going to happen. "You can rest here for the day, Child. I'll need time to settle matters beforehand."
Tomorrow. Sensei dead, another loved one gone just like that. Unlike the others, I was here and could prevent it—but I wasn't being given the opportunity to. "Sensei, about your second…" In that moment, I could read Sensei's intent loud and clear, even without him having to say a word. "You can't be serious." In seppuku, after you slit your own stomach, someone else was supposed to behead you or stab your heart so you could die quick. Without one, you were just prolonging your suffering before death.
"I can't just put this off until someone agrees to help. The end result will be the same, regardless, so it doesn't matter."
"It does matter!" It was one thing for Sensei to die, but for him to suffer while doing it? I slapped a hand to my chest. "I'm here. I'd rather do it myself than just walk away and pretend that I don't know what's going to happen!"
"I wouldn't ask you to do such a thing—"
"You don't fucking have to! I'm volunteering!" I was impressed I hadn't started bawling already, but I was also grateful. Crying like a child wasn't going to convince Sensei in the slightest that I could perform that duty, even if it would help me process some of the fragile feelings inside of me. "I know you want to take on the responsibility for us, but I can't just pretend that I'm blameless in all of this. Please, Sensei, let me at least carry some of this weight for you." Let me at least suffer a bit for not being able to save Kaigaku when I should have been able to.
I bowed, my forehead pressing against the floor. It was the first time I felt like I was begging for something, with no sense of shame involved. Even if I couldn't talk Sensei out of it, I'd at least let him pass on sooner rather than later, even if I had to be the one that made that happen—and I'd stay kowtowed on the floor for as long as I needed to get the answer I was looking for.
The time dragged on—and Sensei sighed, the sound so much like the exasperated exhale he'd give during my early days of training that I almost expected a scolding rebuke to follow. But, instead, he said, "If you insist, Rairi, you can stay. But I won't blame you if you change your mind by tomorrow. Know that you're free to go whenever you want."
All I could do was nod and prepare myself for what was to come next.
Dinner was simple.
My sleep that night was peaceful.
The morning was so beautiful it hurt.
The weather was clear, and the sun was high.
In my time as a Demon Slayer, I'd rent the heads from the bodies of dozens of demons, but the weight of that day's decapitation was the heaviest single swing of my sword I'd ever felt.
The sun was setting in a mix of reds and pinks, the colors bleeding together. In contrast, the courtyard was already clean, not even a single stain on the dirt to prove what had happened. But I couldn't shake the feeling, the resistance that had come with the clean stroke of my katana through flesh and bone, the thud that had come afterwards still echoing in my ears. It had been quick and, I hoped, painless.
Despite everything, I still hadn't cried.
I had every right to, and I was sure it would have helped. But all I had left in me was numbness that I recognized well enough from when Jaden had died. I couldn't even remember how much time I'd wallowed in it back then—however long it had been, it was time I didn't have now. Demons were still going to hunt people down; the plot of the manga was going to continue barreling forward. As much as I would have liked to just sit around and stare into the sky, I couldn't afford to stay on the sidelines and let anything else awful happen, not while I could help it.
"…cuse me. Excuse me. I understand now isn't the best time, but would you be Kuwajima Rairi-sama?"
I snapped out of my reverie, my eyes landing on the plain-dressed man that I recognized as someone who Sensei stepped out with to discuss business with on occasion. The polite thing to do would have been to ask his name, but I couldn't even begin to think that as I failed to process his words. "What," I asked, "the fuck did you just call me?"
"My apologies. I mostly called you '-sama' out of habit, Kuwajima-san." I gaped, my mouth forming the syllables for Kuwajima but unable to put voice to them. The man noticed my confusion, pulling up a sheaf of papers he was carrying and thumbing through them. "Were you not aware, then? As one of his heirs, Jigorō-sama had you added to his family register, along with…" He trailed off, and I realized just where that sentence was going, that Sensei had given Kaigaku his family name as well. The man cleared his throat. "As things stand, I'm Natagoro; I'm serving as the executor of Jigorō-sama's will, and I wanted you to understand what was happening on that front, Kuwajima-san."
"…Right." Unlike myself, Sensei had assets that needed to be distributed to people. It was one of those things that I'd always been aware of from a logical standpoint, given Sensei's age, but I'd avoided thinking about it for so long that it was strange to see things playing out in reality. "I understand that part of Sensei's income was from…"
"While Jigorō-sama did receive an active income as a Cultivator, he also had separate savings for his heirs. You and Agatsuma Zenitsu-sama will be able to continue to use this home for as long as you wish." I didn't even know why I'd bothered. Sensei may have been gruff and strict on us in training, but it was obvious that he cared for us. Of course he'd make sure that we were provided for, even after he was gone. "There are some legal matters to handle to make sure all the assets transfer without issue, but if you'd like to watch over things…"
"No need." Sensei would have never had someone handle his affairs that we wouldn't have been able to trust. After all, Zenitsu would have been able to hear if there was something to worry about, and Kaigaku had good instincts for people, and… I breathed, clearing the thoughts away from my mind. "I'm sure you have some idea of what my work requires of me, Natagoro-san. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to watch over things in close detail. I trust you to handle matters."
Natagoro dipped his head in a bow. "I understand, Kuwajima-san. I'll be sure to send a message after you if I need you for anything." I nodded, trying to figure out something else to say, but whenever I tried to think, all I could focus on was the way that Sensei had decided to give me a name when I hadn't had one, not just once, but twice. "Perhaps it's not my place to say this, but Jigorō-sama cared very much for you all. Please remember that."
"Yeah," I whispered, "I know."
That night, I also received several messages—two brought by Tadashi, another by Tanaka. Unlike usual, the latter crow was well behaved whenever he arrived. I untied the letter he'd brought with him and let the birds have their way with my half-eaten dinner that I wasn't going to finish anytime soon. Solemn, Tanaka pecked at my rice while I felt my heart ache at the sight of Shimizu's penmanship on the outside of the paper.
Dear Rairi-kun,
I know that I already said that I wanted to meet in person and talk, but I needed to write this as a backup. The truth of the matter is that I'm a time traveler! Surprise?
Well, it's a little more complicated than that, but what you call it doesn't matter. Either way, I know some things that will happen in the future—up to a certain point at least. Remember when I told you about the Hand Demon? How about when I asked if you trusted me before we got recruited by Rengoku-san before the Mugen Train mission? That's because I knew what was going to happen, and I hoped that having both of us there would help change things.
You helped save Rengoku-sama, Rairi-kun. If it weren't for you, he wouldn't have made it through that fight. Please don't doubt that.
But talking about the past isn't what's important right now. Instead, I want to make sure that you're prepared for the future.
By the time winter is over, the Demon Slayer Corps should have defeated Kibutsuji Muzan. However, this will not be without sacrifices. I don't know if we can make it through these fights without anyone dying, but I hope what knowledge I have will be enough to at least save a few people. Which is why I need to apologize to you.
If I could have acted sooner, maybe a piece of the future wouldn't have been left up to chance. I should have trusted you in advance—but I can't change that now. All I can do is make sure you have access to the records I left behind so that you can help where you need to be. I'm certain that if there's anyone who can make a difference, Rairi-kun, it's you. I've seen evidence of that for myself. When you read over my notes, I'm sure you'll understand.
Of course, I would have preferred to share everything with you in person. But if you're reading this, then that wasn't possible, because this is my last will and testament.
Ah, maybe I should have started out with that. If this is how you're finding out the news, I'm sorry that I couldn't figure out a more tactful way to say it. It's so, so selfish, but I'm counting on you to see things through for me if I can't do it. In the story I knew, you weren't there as far as I could tell, but you're here now. I believe you're the key to changing what can be changed for the better. Oh, but I promise you won't need to be alone, though.
Tanjirō-kun and Rengoku-sama already know about all of this, and they've been helping me. Well, Inosuke-kun also knows. I don't think he understands all of it, but that hasn't made him any less helpful. By the time I've written this, they've already helped take care of the Upper Moon demons hiding in Yoshiwara, and there's just a few more big battles until everything should be over, if the future I read about is to be trusted. Considering everything that's happened so far, I think it will be.
Rengoku-sama has access to my notes. I already gave him permission, so he'll let you see them. Of course, whether you do or not is up to you, but I know you, Rairi-kun. You're a wonderful person who wants to save as many people as possible. That's why you can charge into battle without hesitating, why you've started to build this program to protect the lower ranks of the Demon Slayer Corps. You may think that my courage inspires you, but the truth is, you've been the one to keep me going, Rairi-kun.
That's why I'm sorry if this message gets to you too late. Because it may just be my cowardice that will mean you'll get hurt the most. If so, I'm so sorry. I hope that maybe you can forgive me.
You're a precious person to me, Rairi-kun. If nothing else, please use the notes I have to stay alive until the end. You deserve that much happiness.
With love,
Urokodaki Shimizu
So, Shimizu was like me—I'd already known that from what Kaigaku had said. Well, comparing myself to her was pathetic, because she'd done one more than me. She knew the story we'd arrived in, knew what to expect. She'd wanted to make a difference, and so she had fought—while I had scrambled around in the dark, praying that I wouldn't hurt others just by existing. And though Shimizu was gone now, she'd left behind something that we could use to make sure the end of this story went the way it was supposed to.
I wasn't even upset that she'd kept it a secret from me. After all, I'd never told her about me, had I? What if our confessions were met with disbelief? Who would even believe something like getting thrown out of time and space?
Tanjirō and Rengoku and Inosuke, it seemed. I could at least confess to them the truth about me, whenever I got the chance, whenever I could have the strength in me to face the weight of knowing the future on top of everything else.
I folded Shimizu's letter back up and set it aside, as if I would destroy it if I held onto it for too long. One of Tadashi's letters was from Headquarters, which was important enough for me to pay attention to, though I almost regretted it the moment I saw the neat lines of characters that came from the practiced hand of someone in the central office.
Due to the defection of Demon Slayer Kaigaku (the clinical words, as it were, felt very much like a sword slotting right between my ribs and into my heart), the Demon Slayer Corps has chosen to issue his will. It is up to the recipient if they choose to respect these wishes.
And then, on the second sheet of paper in just as neat writing: Demon Slayer Kaigaku chooses to waive his right to a will and leaves any remaining assets into the estate of Kuwajima Jigorō, followed by a string of other jargon I didn't have the willpower to even begin to process. The single piece of evidence that Kaigaku had anything to do with this document was the signature and seal of his name at the bottom, his strokes as rough as ever, and I knew, I knew that he'd never predicted that these words would see the light of day like this.
The estate of Kuwajima Jigorō. The one I and Zenitsu were now in charge of.
"Jesus fucking Christ," I whispered, my quiet voice filling up the empty room.
I may have felt exhausted, but there was no such thing as sleep for me that night.
[Author's Notes]
In case you haven't been able to tell, I'm not letting anyone be happy for a while.
Thanks to ILikeFoxes828, EmptySpot, gg (Guest), Literally useless, Klazy Labbit, MidnightStar64, vlad15, SymphonyEscape, ForgeandGred4Ever, deltamoondancer2020, AnonWhoLikesToRead, Terra22, XxzuzkaxX, Rebelhunter668, DJ Turtle, EvalysYamazaki, PN3611, ShugoYuuki123, SuperKaiokenGoku, and ItzNikkiBlack for the faves, follows, and reviews! We've somehow reached the 500 followers mark which is, uh, a fuck ton of people? Thanks so very much for all the support. Drop a review of what you'd like to see for celebratory art, and I'll do my best to sketch something nice to make up for, uh *gestures to the chapter* all of this.
It's not like I like Sensei committing seppuku, but, in the cultural context, it makes sense that's what he would do, even despite Rairi's efforts. At the very least, Rairi serving as his second means he doesn't have to just lie there and bleed out like in canon, tho, for what it's worth. And, hey, Rairi has a family name now, that's good news, right? Right?
For anyone following me in general, next Saturday will be a break from posting. Part Thirty-Five will be up as usual in two weeks, tho! I will now go to flop for my spring break and poke at a side project...
It's time for a Taishō Era Secret! Kimiko's family has helped Kuwajima for the past few generations, starting with her maternal grandmother. When Kuwajima was still a Hashira, he saved Kimiko's grandmother, though she was left without anywhere else to go, so he brought her to his estate. He intended for her to stay as long as she needed to get her things together, but she insisted on paying him back and helped out with tending to the estate. Similarly, Natagoro and Kuwajima have also known each other since the latter's Demon Slaying days. One day, I'd like to write a fic of headcanons for Kuwajima's backstory, seeing as it's pretty much free real estate.
Next Time: Even when you crumble, there's support to be found. Please look forward to it!
-Avi
[03.12.2022]