("I've been living in the darkness
Shadows in my apartment, heartless
Taking love just to spill it on the parchment
Next page and I'm out again."

"I've been living in the nightlife
Lips hit you like a drive by, frostbite
Ice cold, didn't mean to cut you like a sharp knife
Next page and I'm out again."

"It can be so hollow
Like my ribcage, the echoes follow
Follow me like the fears I swallow
And drown in all my mistakes.")

- Ansel Elgort, "Thief"

January - May, 2016

5th year, age 17

Josh was doing homework when there was a knock on his door, and he didn't have time to get up before the door pushed open.

Riley peeked her head around the doorframe. "Hey, have I ever told you how much I love you?"

Josh closed his book and turned his gaze on his sister warily. "What do you want?"

"Come with me to Mom's house tonight," she begged.

Josh snorted. "Not a chance."

"Come on, please?" Riley's face was a mixture of negative emotions. "You know Mom likes you more than me."

"Why are you going to Mom's anyways?" He asked, tapping his pencil against the cover of his book, which was about conversational Bulgarian (you could find anything in the library).

"Technically I'm going for Dad," Riley confessed. "He wanted to talk and catch up and stuff. But Mom will be there too, and I need a buffer."

"That sounds like a 'you' problem," Josh returned, turning back to his book.

"What do you want in exchange?" Riley asked. "I'll do almost anything."

Josh thought for a moment. Was there anything he wanted from his sister? Chances like this didn't come every day.

"I want a call-in favor," Josh decided, and Riley's face fell.

"Call-in favors are dangerous, I don't know what I'm agreeing to," Riley reminded him. "I thought we didn't do those anymore."

"If you don't want me to go," Josh left the suggestion hanging as he turned back to his desk.

Riley groaned loudly. "Fine," she agreed. "Dress nice."

Call-in favors were dangerous, which was why they had stopped doing them, after the last time had ended with a ten-year-old-Riley's broken leg and a twelve-year-old-Josh's grounding (the call-in favor from Josh had involved a rope and a pulley, and that was all he would say about it). However, he had no idea when he would need a favor from her, and this was the best way to get it. Especially now that they were teenagers and much more sensible.

Well, at least a little more sensible.

Maya was a problem. Like, a real problem.

Josh had tried to avoid her ever since they met, but being placed on the same elite team had made that significantly harder. She was difficult to work with, didn't listen to orders, and it seemed like she constantly tried to do exactly the opposite of what he said to do. Why was he even the team head if none of them would listen to him?

He was ahead of the rest of them - mostly because he was two years above them. He was better in almost all the areas that Riley, Lucas, and Maya were starting in, and he knew that they were holding him back. He had thought it was an honor to be selected for this elite team; too bad all his teammates were so far behind.

That was why he absolutely despised training with Maya. Eric, his current mental enemy, had paired them up for the last six spars and training exercises, and he was getting seriously sick of it. It wasn't that she was weak or incompetant or easy to beat - it was actually the opposite. He didn't like the fact that she had beat him before. He didn't want it to happen again. And the best way to avoid an outcome was to not partake in the actions that would lead up to the outcome in the first place.

Anyways, that was what he was thinking as he walked into their personality building course, and stopped still at the topic written up on the board: emotional disconnection in undercover romance.

He had a sick feeling that he knew where this was going.

"Josh," Eric, who was sitting on the front table with his legs kicked up, stated, "you're late. Nice of you to join us."

Riley was leaning against the table a few feet from Eric's table, her flushed face staring at the floor, while Lucas was sitting behind the table in a chair. Maya wasn't there, which made Josh feel a little better, until she came through the door behind him and he heard her sigh.

"This isn't going to go well," she muttered under her breath, pushing past him to go stand with Riley.

"I can see you're all looking forward to this unit," Eric chuckled as Josh joined the group, keeping on the other side from Maya. He straightened up, pushing the button on his clicker as the slide changed on the board. "I know we don't have to go through the academy sexual policy, you've all read it several times. In this supervised unit, some of the rules are relaxed a little - all PG, don't worry."

Josh glanced at the board, which listed the 'no tolerance sexual contacts' policy:

No oral sexual contact, penetrative sexual intercourse, or touching of another person's body in a sexual manner. No kissing, no relationships, no dating. Students must be in their own beds before lights out, unless special permission is granted for studying or meeting purposes.

"Pretty basic stuff," Eric continued, nodding. He clicked the switch again. "So in this unit, the rules on kissing and 'touching of another person's body in a sexual manner' are relaxed. I know some of you don't want to learn this unit, but the facts are that, in the field, you might have to play a personality who is dating or in a relationship with another agent, so you need to know how to handle those situations. More importantly," Eric flipped the slide, "you need to know how to exit those situations. Becoming emotionally attached to a fake spouse isn't an option."

Josh caught Lucas staring at Riley, although Riley's back was to him so she couldn't see it.

"Next year in mock missions, you might have to play a romantic personality, so that's also important to get experience with," Eric said. "Lucas, pay attention."

Riley turned around and Josh smirked as her eyes met Lucas's and she became visibly aware that he had been staring at her.

"Isn't this kind of counterproductive?" Riley asked. "Having us pretend to be lovers - convincingly - would complicate our emotional connections to our teammates."

"That's the whole point," Eric explained. "To get you guys used to playing the part without it complicating your team."

"Do we have a choice?" Maya asked.

"You always have a choice," Eric confirmed. "I won't make you do anything you're really uncomfortable with, but if you can't pass this unit then I might have to drop you from the team. It's like acting; if you're not comfortable with doing what the job entails, you just don't get the part. This is an important part of being an undercover agent." He looked around. "Any other questions?"

"Yeah," Josh spoke up, "who are our partners?"

"We'll switch around," Eric said. "Try all pairs - except you two," he directed at Riley and Josh. "You'll never need incest in the field."

Riley snorted a little, glancing up at her brother.

"So that means-" Josh began.

"First partners are Riley with Lucas, and Maya with Josh," Eric confirmed, and Josh let all his breath out, trying to think forward on how this would work out. "And I don't want any complaining."

"Fine," Josh agreed begrudgingly. He glanced at Maya, who seemed just as displeased at this turn of events, and went to sit down behind a desk.

"We'll be working on profiles and mock scenes first, and then dive into emotional detachment after that. First assignment involves a personality profile and a mock undercover scene," Eric stated, getting up and sliding off of the table top. He flipped the slide again and the four teens stared up at the assignment.

Scene: Agents must secure access into a Valentine's Day ball to retrieve an illegally auctioned item.
Interrogation: Agents will be interrogated together.
Personality profile must answer questions:
- How and when did you meet your partner?
- Why are you together?
- What are some habits your personality does that annoys your partner? Vice versa?
- Why are you important enough to be admitted into this ball?
- Where did you get the money to bid on the item?
- Why are you interested in attaining this item?
- Be prepared for additional questions.

It seemed standard, if Josh thought about it. The majority of undercover missions involved large public events and retrieval, and so this was a situation they had a real chance of coming across. The real reason they had to answer these questions was in the case that they were questioned - they had to seem in sync.

"In later assignments, you'll be questioned separately," Eric said. "The first assignments you'll be questioned together, so you can get used to having the same answers and taking cues from each other. When you're questioned separately, you'll have to know or anticipate the answers your partner may give, without hearing them. This is all prep for possible field encounters." He clapped his hands. "I'm going to release you guys to go work on your assignments on your own wherever. You get the gist."

"Where do you want to work?" Maya turned to him as Riley went around to sit with Lucas.

He scanned her for an expression, but her face was stone. Maybe some anger was in those creases around her cheekbones; probably towards Eric. He was feeling some of that too.

"Let's go back to my dorm," he suggested, eyeing Riley and Lucas and assuming that they would be working in this classroom.

"Josh Matthews, are you bringing me home on the first date?" Maya's teasing, sweet voice was accompanied by a smirk that was so convincing he could almost believe it was real. "I don't know about you, but I'm just not that kind of girl."

Josh glared at her, certainly not in the mood for games from this girl. "Fine, we'll work here."

Maya rolled her eyes and punched him lightly on the arm. "Just getting into character. Obviously you'll need some work, Mr. 'Cool detached lonely boy'."

Why did everyone call him that? Sure, detached, but there was nothing lonely about him. He brushed the train of thought away before his mind could analyze and reject it.

"To your room," Maya motioned to him with a slight nod of her head as she headed for the classroom door.

Josh had been fine in his second year impersonation courses. He had excelled in emotional disconnection in third year. It had been fourth year personality building courses last year that he had been less than perfect in. And that was what they were doing right now, in this unit. Less than ideal.

The fact that it was romance personality building definitely made things worse.

"You need to loosen up," Maya ordered, poking at his chest as they rehearsed for what felt like the hundredth time. "Stop acting like you're reciting a script. That's a great way to get made."

"I'm not reciting a script," Josh contradicted crossly. He glanced down at his paper, which had their personality elements that he had been trying to memorize. It had been days, though, and after they had written out their personality profiles that had stalled in progress.

"Yes, you are, and that's the script right there," Maya shot back, obviously frustrated. She paced back through his room and sat on the bed. "Go off book, try to remember the answer to one of those damn questions on your own. Do you want to pass this unit or not?"

"I always pass the unit," Josh muttered before handing her the page and blowing his breath out.

"So," Maya began the scene again, "how and when did you meet me?"

Their presentation of the mock scene went less than well, and there were two pages of notes that Eric had written out for the both of them, listing mistakes and suggestions to fix.

'Josh made it pretty obvious that he did not like Maya. He needs to work on his lies, or learn to like her in real life.'

Neither of those suggestions seemed doable.

"I told you we would fail the scene," Maya glared. She sat down in a chair across from him in the lounge, where he had deliberately been avoiding her.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, irritated as he threw down the pages on the couch next to him.

"Looking for you. I figured, 'he wants to avoid me, so he'll go to the last place I'd expect him to be'," Maya informed him. "Low and behold, Josh Matthews in a common room."

And he had thought he was unpredictable. But she was starting to predict him, a power that he didn't want over him. Avoiding the blonde seemed like the answer to more and more problems.

"I had a thought for our next mock assignment," Maya mused, chewing her lip. She handed him her assignment page, and the notes written around the elements. "Nothing here says we have to be in love."

Interest piqued, Josh sat up a little more. Any solution where he didn't have to be in love sounded like a good one. "What do you mean?"

"My parents hated each other, and me," Maya informed him dryly, "and yet they were still married until I was seven. Just because we're a couple doesn't mean we're a good couple. And convincing an interrogator that we have a dysfunctional relationship will definitely be easier than a straight up lie. We just have to come up with a reason for why we're still together, and I have the perfect example."

"Your parents stayed together for you," Josh assumed bluntly.

Maya nodded, apparently unfazed talking about her terrible childhood. "It might be unconventional and it might pass the point of the assignment, but we technically aren't breaking the outline, and we can't do any worse," she shrugged, sitting back.

"Well, you're not wrong there."

As they walked into the classroom on presentation day, he glanced down at his wristband to see his heartbeat steady at 92 bpm.

He glanced at Maya next to him, her eyes flicking around at Eric, Riley, Lucas - a tell tale sign that she was nervous - but she was trying very hard to hide it, which just made her more nervous. It was a response that he had seen on his little sister since they were much younger, and back then he had worked with Riley on stopping the involuntary responses. He had always explained to her that, once she got to the academy with him, emotional responses would be a weakness.

And it was definitely a weakness for Maya right now - and Josh, if he wanted to pass this assignment. They could not mess this up; being nervous would definitely mess this up.

He nudged her arm and flicked over his wrist to show her his heart rate. She frowned at him, confused as her eyes flicked from his wrist to his face, but Josh saw her move her own arm to look at her own heart rate. At least that would get her focused on it, hopefully to calm her down enough that they would pass this assignment.

"Josh and Maya," Eric nodded towards the front of the classroom, where the interrogation table sat with a cliche lamp. "Hope you're ready."

Maya glanced up at him once before they sat down next to each other on one side of the table, and Eric began his own script.

"So, how did you guys meet?"

"Well-"

"Back in-"

They started at the same time, before glaring at each other. "You never let me talk, just for once don't mess this up!" Maya ordered. Annoying habits number one, check.

"I mess things up?" Josh steamed. "Who was it who forgot to pay the damn bills last month?" Annoying habits number two, check. He shook his head and turned back to Eric. "Ignore her; I speak for us. It was one night, and then she refused to get an abortion. What else was I supposed to do?" How you met and why you're together, check check.

"I wasn't going to kill our child!" Maya exclaimed, turning to him.

"It wasn't a child yet!" Josh stated exasperatedly.

"You two obviously have some things to work out," Eric observed, his face unreadable as to how they were doing. "What are you doing at this event?"

"He wanted that certain unnamed item up for auction, says it's very important to his employer," Maya stated crossly. "I didn't care about it at all. It's not like we can even really afford it." Why are you interested in the item, check.

"We can afford it," Josh gritted his teeth, "if you would stop spending my salary on jewelry and maybe get a job." Where did you get the money, check.

"I'm a homemaker! That's a job that you certainly couldn't do!" Maya chided. She turned to Eric. "See, this is what I'm talking about. He messes up everything. If he would listen to me for once, he would understand how hard my life is."

"How did you manage to get in here?" Eric cut in. "This is an exclusive event."

"'How did we manage to get in here'?" Josh repeated incredulously. "Do you not know who my employer is? Are you even at a high enough level to matter to the host here?" Why are you important, check. Kind of.

"I have a direct line," Eric objected, "give me a reason I shouldn't call him down right now."

A question that hadn't been on the list.

"How would that look on your report?" Maya took the lead with a smirk, leaning forward. "You can't even do your job properly; need a supervisor. Not to mention how embarrassed you'll be when the host personally apologizes to us for unlawful imprisonment. Are you willing to go to prison for your employer, Jason?" Maya asked slyly with a check to his fake name tag, leaning forward more over the table as her cleavage became even more visible. "My husband certainly is."

"I'll tell you what," Josh suggested. "You let us place a high enough bid to walk straight out of this place with our item in hand, and your host won't have to know why you're accepting it. You want to know why you're accepting it?"

"Why?" Eric asked.

"Because we're going to wire you personally 5% of the price, and no one will ever have to know this conversation ever happened," Josh declared.

Eric sat back, musing for a moment before standing up. "Scene," he ended the presentation, walking over to his own desk and taking out his laptop. "You can go, I'll send you your evaluation when I've completed it."

Josh let out a silent breath he hadn't been aware he was holding. Maya's eyes flicked to him as they stood up to leave the room. It wasn't until they were two turns down the hallway that they stopped, Maya leaning against the wall and Josh shoving his hands in his pockets.

"I think that went well," Maya admitted, scanning Josh. "Definitely better than our last scene." She nodded to him. "You were actually good. I didn't think it would be hard for you to fake hating me, but I had concerns about your ability to act at all."

"I'm a good actor," Josh contradicted, annoyed once again at the girl.

"Okay," Maya chuckled, "you keep telling yourself that."

He shook his head, deciding not to pursue a new argument with her. "You were alright too," he confessed. "Good job taking the lead with the additional question."

"Did you just compliment me?" Maya asked, mocking a stunned expression that Josh would seriously believe was real if he didn't know her feelings towards him.

She was a good actor, he had to admit.

"Shut up for once," he suggested, rolling his eyes.

"If I can make your life miserable," Maya suggested back with a glint in her eye, "never."

A/N: So I finally got another chapter out. I told myself I would be adding to this the whole 'emotional detachment' aspect of the lesson, but that turned out to be a hard piece to write, and this chapter was already really long. I have no idea whose chapter is next, and the timeline is still super messy in my head, so don't expect any chapters any time soon :(

I want to get back to Anecdoche too, but I got sick this past week and so I'm behind on classes and I've got a lot of things happening this coming week. I'm sorry for being so MIA.

Still looking for some betas if anyone is interested. They would read new chapters of Nodus Tollens and/or Anecdoche for plot and grammar errors before I post them. PM me if you're interested.

Please review! They remind me to continue writing :)

Kisses,

C