("Sometimes I still think it's coming but I know it's not
Tryin' to breathe in and then out but the air gets caught
Cause even though I'm older now and I know how to shake off the past
I wouldn't have made it if I didn't have you holding my hand."

"I don't wanna lose control
Nothing I can do anymore
Tryin' every day when I hold my breath
Spinnin' out in space pressing on my chest

I don't wanna lose control.")

- Zoe Wees, "Control"

August - September, 2016

4th year, age 16

Riley had been through anatomical health class and medical basics. She had done psychiatric counseling and career path, learned about sleep cycles and nutritional chemistry, and did physical exams every two months, just like everyone else. She'd watched kids burn out and drop out, but Riley wasn't one of those kids.

Riley was a hard worker. She completed all her classes and work and got good grades. She aced physical tests and program evaluations, and the better she did, the better she felt about herself. But in the back of her mind, somehow she knew the edge was coming. But what was she supposed to do?

She worked harder.

Things had changed so much since first year. In first year, she was just a happy, bouncy, positive little kid who everyone knew was only there because of nepotism. Slowly, she had learned to put a serious facade on, kept her positivity to herself, and only let herself out when she was in the safety of her bedroom, where she could laugh and smile and dance and sing and talk to herself. Lately, though, she just hadn't had time for that. She did physical training and coursework from the morning till the night, through meals and right up to the second she turned off her light. She read her language textbooks while drying off from showers and putting her clothes on, brushing her teeth and braiding her hair. She worked on profiles and write ups during breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And at all other times, she just straight up worked.

At least she slept well. Every night she was so exhausted that she was out the moment her head hit the pillow at 10pm, and slept so deeply she didn't even dream until her alarm woke her up at 7am. Coffee was her lifesaver, though, and it kept her going along with the endorphins she figured she had to be pumped to the brim with, spending six hours a day doing straight physical training. She did take advantage of her endurance, and was proud of how fit she was, and specifically planned out her meals weeks in advance to calculate the nutritional values and times to maximize their benefit to her body. She was the epitome of health.

But her academic teachers were concerned about her mental health, which Riley found to be an unnecessary thing to focus on. She didn't have time to be sad anyways; she was too busy. (She knew mental health wasn't just 'sad', but she didn't want to admit that she was so stressed out her teachers had reason to worry).

Riley just needed to keep going, finish work, do what she needed to do, and get through the week. Every week. After all, this was all a means to an end, right?

Riley had been in the library for two hours since she'd finished dinner at 6:30, and she'd planned to be there another hour, but her French paper and personality profile had taken much less time than she'd thought, so she had an hour to spare.

She pushed herself through each step back towards her dorm, falling back into auto-mode to conserve energy in the hopes she could just be alone. She had been around people all day, in her mainstream classes, academic classes, her study group with Farkle and the two other students in their class. She was tired of being around people.

"When was the last time you talked to Dad?" Josh asked, falling into step beside her, although Riley didn't register him or his words at first, until he repeated the question.

"Um," Riley shrugged, closing her eyes for a beat.

Riley just wanted to go back to her dorm, where she could take off her hard shell and let herself fall back into a place where she could rest. She was exhausted, always keeping her guard up, and she just wanted to stop for a bit, and… rest.

"Riley," Josh repeated, and stopped walking.

Riley stopped too, turning to face him and his worried expression.

"Are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Riley asked, forcing herself to regain her school persona for just a few more minutes.

"That's not an answer," Josh pointed out, crossing his arms. "What's going on with you?"

"I'm fine Josh," Riley said, turning away to begin walking again. She just wanted to be alone.

"Hey," Josh grabbed her arm, "it's me. Your big brother? You know you can talk to me."

Riley sighed, debating with herself, and losing to her school personality. "I promise I'm fine. Just a little tired," she laughed, knowing it sounded forced.

Josh frowned, but he began walking again, and Riley was relieved when he didn't speak again. They made their way to the girls' dorms and Josh stopped in front of Riley's door as she touched her wristband against the magnetic lock and pushed open the door.

Josh followed her inside. "Now we can talk," he said pointedly, and Riley was conflicted at the fact that he had read that she didn't want to talk in public, versus his manipulation.

She sat down on her bed, and put her face in her hands for one beat before pushing her hands up through her hair.

"You are tired," Josh observed, and Riley laughed again.

"Too many hours in weapons training," she gave an excuse.

"I remember when you were ten and I was twelve," Josh began out of nowhere.

Riley wondered how he had read her mind; thinking about her past personality.

"You were always so happy," he recalled. "We called you smiley-Riley, because you were always smiling. You always saw the good in the world and didn't want to believe that things were actually as bad as Mom said they were." He sat down on the desk chair in front of her and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. "You had such a huge heart, and so many emotions, and now…"

"I grew up," Riley pointed out. "It's been six years."

Josh gave her a look that said, 'I know when you're bs'ing me.'

Riley stared into his eyes for a few moments, and then looked down, mumbling the words out, part of her hoping he wouldn't even hear them. "You know how they say 'fake it till you make it'?"

Josh nodded.

"When do you stop having to fake it?" She asked seriously, and Josh frowned.

"Fake what?"

Riley paused, glancing around the room, before stating simply, "This." When he tipped his head in confusion, she sighed. "It's just… it was so hard in the beginning. People teased me for months for being… happy. For smiling, and for being who I am. And then I figured out how to imitate people around me. I molded a personality to match my peers," she explained, a little timidly. "And they stopped teasing me to my face, but I know they still thought I was too weak and innocent and emotional and not cut out for this. And maybe they were right, so I pushed myself to become the best, and I pushed down my… me…" she waved a hand at the room, the purple bedding and the posters on the walls, "and then at some point it became instinct. But it's still exhausting, Josh."

Josh hesitated. "I didn't know things were this hard for you. You should have told us; we're your team. We're supposed to be one mind."

"I didn't want people to know," Riley pointed out. "I did it all to hide the fact that those things were hard for me. But what at point does my fake personality… become my real personality?"

"In my experience," Josh said after a moment, "your fake personality never becomes your real personality. If your real personality changes, then it changes. People change. You do grow. And if you want to go back, just reverse the process, right?"

That didn't really answer Riley's question, but she just wanted to be alone, so she smiled. "I guess you're right." She glanced over at her clock. "It's late, I need to sleep."

After Josh left, Riley sat silently on her bed, staring down at her palms.

The easier it became - the more automatic it became - to put on her perfectly crafted school personality, the more scared she became. Scared of losing herself to a person she had never wanted to be in the first place.

"Farkle," Riley greeted her friend and the girl next to him in surprise, entering the elite team's designated classroom for their weekly briefing - where they met early on Monday mornings for an overview of the next week's assignments and class plans. "What are you doing here?" She glanced over at the brunette who was sitting on the table behind him, wearing a floral skirt and a dark blue blazer, her hair falling in dark ringlets past her shoulders and brushing against her glasses. It was an odd outfit for someone in this academy, but she guessed students could wear whatever they wanted when not in classes with a dress code.

"I-" Farkle began.

"Hey Farkle, what are you doing here?" Lucas asked, entering the room behind Riley. He glanced over at the brunette. "Who're you?"

The brunette slid off the table and held out her hand curtly for a single shake. "Isadora Smackle. You may call me Smackle. It's nice to meet you." She nodded at Riley. "You too."

Riley nodded back hesitantly, throwing her quizzical gaze over to Farkle again, but before he could start again to explain, the rest of the team and Eric arrived.

"Farkle, Smackle," Eric looked down at his watch, "you're early."

"Were we not supposed to be early?" Smackle asked, concerned as she looked back at Farkle.

"No, no, you're fine," Eric assured her. "Guys, this is your Science & Technology contact. Or, these are your contacts, I guess. Farkle Minkus and Isadora Smackle. They're a pair, they come together."

"Science," Farkle said, raising a finger.

"Technology," Smackle added, volunteering their own specialties.

"Cute," Josh snorted. "Aren't you guys a little… young?"

"Age is just a number," Farkle dismissed.

Smackle frowned, turning to Farkle. "Well, no, age determines our biological-"

"It's an expression, Smackle," Farkle cut in before she could ramble.

"Right," Smackle's face flushed, "an expression."

"You can see why they're a pair," Eric offered, smirking. He moved past them to go to his desk at the front of the room and set up their brief.

"No, but seriously," Josh pushed, glancing between the two. "You seem really young. What year are you?"

"We are fourth years," Smackle answered for the both of them. "However, Farkle skipped second year-"

"And Smackle skipped first and third," Farkle finished.

"So you're…" Josh started to do the math.

"I'm fifteen," Farkle supplied.

"Fourteen," Smackle added her own age.

"Child prodigies?" Maya guessed.

"It's in our genetics, we were pulled from advanced academies for this," Farkle explained.

"I should have known you'd be on our team," Riley shook her head, smiling a little.

"This all seems like nepotism to me," Lucas added. When Maya frowned, he explained, "Farkle's dad worked in Science & Tech, back when Director Matthews was on a team."

"Oh, so it's all nepotism," Maya observed, laughing a little.

"It's only nepotism if you're chosen solely because of a familial-" Smackle began.

"We're joking, Smackle," Farkle interrupted, and she pursed her lips.

"Sorry," she apologized, "I'm not good with people."

"You're fine," Riley assured her, meeting her eyes with a smile.

Smackle smiled back in relief, and Riley felt a little better knowing that she had helped someone with her kindness. Then she flashed back to the night before, and the conversation she and Josh had had. She felt her smile slipping from her face.

Was it possible that she could reverse her process? Did she want to?

"Riley," Lucas touched her arm, and Riley snapped back to the present, brushing a stray hair from her braid out of her eyes.

"Sorry, I was just thinking," she mumbled.

"Are you okay?" Lucas asked, and Riley narrowed her eyes.

"Why do you keep asking me that? Don't you trust me?"

Lucas raised his eyebrows, evidently a little taken aback by her mild outburst. "I was just-"

"I don't need you to take care of me," Riley stated, forcing her school persona back into place and feeling the pressure of all her emotions holding tight in her chest.

Why was she pushing him away? She had grown much closer to Lucas in the past months, they'd built trust, he seemed to genuinely care about her.

Riley froze internally. He cared about her.

That was why. It was her instincts, the ones built into her from her mom, protecting her from an emotionally compromising situation. Lucas could care about her physical safety - that was what their team was about. Emotions were not part of the equation. They were not allowed. They would compromise the team. Wasn't that the whole point of last year's emotional disconnection unit?

"I have no doubt of your competence," Lucas assured her, studying her in a way that made Riley want to turn away. "You're one of the best in our class. It's just when-"

"I'm taking care of my health, I'm not overworking my bones, I'm fine," Riley stated, purposefully leaving out anything that could give him a wrong idea. She didn't realize their conversation had broken out of a quiet tone until she noticed Maya, Josh, Farkle, and Smackle all staring at them.

Riley winced. This was the whole point of her school persona - avoiding this type of situation that made her appear as weak as her mother thought she was.

"Riley?" Josh questioned, raising his eyebrows.

"I'm fine," Riley repeated quietly, holding her breath after the last word to keep her emotions in check.

She needed to keep herself under control. She couldn't lose control.

A/N: Poor Riley. I can relate to her trying to mask her emotions and overwork herself :(

Yay, Farkle and Smackle are here! Now we've got the whole gang :) They will be a couple, I just am not sure when I'll establish that. They don't have as much of a role in this story, I'm sorry.

(I also might have taken some inspiration from Fitz-Simmons for their characters haha)

Rucas will be a thing, but I'm building up to it. Part of their story is Riley feeling guilty for falling in love with him because of how she was raised and what she was taught, but that all just makes her feelings so much more deep when she finally admits them. Lucas is such a good guy in this story, he really is there for her :) He was right to be worried in the last chapter. It's nice to have Josh being a good big brother too :)

I think next will be Josh and we'll go into mock missions and hopefully jumpstart Joshaya! They're kind of in that phase where they don't hate each other anymore, but they haven't realized that they like each other yet. That will all change soon though! I have some great scenes written for the end of this year, and I can't wait to post them! I just have to get from here to there haha.

I posted chapters to 3 stories today because some of them are controversial so if you don't like the update on one of them, you've got the other ones to choose from! Please be kind; I'm a human and I can't handle a lot of hate and negativity, especially with my current mental health state. Instead of writing hateful reviews on the stories you don't like, go find one you do like! The stories that get the most reviews get the most attention, because I get an email for each review.

I'm sorry I've been MIA, we finally had a memorial service for my mom, plus I was behind on homework and got a cold and got the second COVID vaccine, so, you know. Lots of things going on.

Kisses,

C