("It's just me, myself, and I
Solo ride until I die
Cause I've got me for life."
"I don't need a hand to hold
Even when the night is cold
I got that fire in my soul."
"I don't need anything
To get me through the night
Except the beat that's in my heart
Yeah it's keeping me alive."
"I don't need anything
To make me satisfied
Cause the music does me good
And it gets me every time.")
- G-Eazy x Bebe Rexha, "Me, Myself & I"
August - October, 2017
5th year, age 17
Coming back to the academy was one of the worst decisions she didn't get to make, and she dreaded it all summer.
Spending time with her dad and Auggie all summer, feeling comfortable and relaxed and like her old self, felt like a breath of fresh air that she had been craving since before she'd been placed on the team. She and her mom skirted each other somehow; her mom was at the academy every day working and being the director, and whenever she was home, Riley did her best to stay out of her way. She knew her mom was still seething about Riley's little act of rebellion, but when she was with her dad and her brother, she was able to push it from her mind.
Push everything - her mom's anger, Josh and Maya's… thing, the thought of going back to school - out of her mind, even if it was just temporarily.
But the one thing she couldn't seem to push out of her mind was Lucas.
Riley had no experience with relationships - she was too young to even think about it when she had been in public school, and it was forbidden at the academy. She realized that it was unlikely that every student in the entire school was completely celibate, and many were probably breaking the rules in secret, but she had never really cared, nor considered it herself. She was too busy pushing herself as hard as she could - taking extra classes, extra training, working every minute of every day until her head hit the pillow. She had no time to even think about it.
But, no, that wasn't true. She had been thinking about Lucas for a while - enough that she did her best to not think about him.
So when she was forced to return to the academy, she knew Lucas would want to talk. And Maya would want to talk. And Josh would want to talk.
Basically, she was walking into the most stressful few weeks of her life, and for once, it wasn't about school work.
Her dorm room was the only place she allowed herself to talk to herself, because even though it helped her work out her own feelings and thoughts, she looked crazy when she did it in public.
"I don't need Lucas, or Maya, or Josh," she murmured to herself as she unpacked her duffle bag and put things away in drawers. "I can't control them or what they do. I can only control me. I only need me."
She stilled when she pulled out a dress that she had meant to leave behind. Walking briskly over to the dresser, she balled it up and shoved it deep under her clothes. She wasn't able to go back home, so it would just have to hide in her room.
"You're not here, you're not allowed here," she berated the 'other side' of herself quietly, continuing to unpack her things. "You stay at home, and your feelings about him stay at home too."
A knock came at her door and she jumped, knocked out of her self dialogue. Her feet carried her to the door without too much direction on her part, and she came face to face with the first of three conversations she had to have: Lucas.
"I emailed, I texted," was Lucas's first statement, and Riley took a controlled breath.
"I was trying not to think about the academy, I got busy with my family."
"But you couldn't even shoot me a simple text?" Lucas protested, following her into her room. She could feel his eyes studying her, probably putting together her clothes and tied back hair and realizing that 'school Riley' was back. "We kissed."
"No we didn't," Riley shook her head, "we're not allowed to."
"Riley, you can't seriously play the 'you kissed an entirely different version of me' thing," Lucas groaned. "You are you, and you kissed me. I need to know what you're thinking about."
"I'm thinking that we're not allowed to do anything like that ever again," Riley stated shortly, trying to seem busy as she picked up things on her desk and put them down again. "We weren't at the academy when it happened, so we went through a loophole and I don't think we'd get in trouble if administrations found out, but it happened, and it's done, and it's not happening again."
He studied her again, seeming to look through her and she could almost see the gears turning in his head.
"I can't get in trouble, I can't break the rules, and neither can you." Riley dropped her eyes to the floor.
"I don't want to get expelled, not when we're so close to graduation," Lucas agreed. Another breath of silence passed. "So I'm not going to break the rules."
Riley's eyes flicked up; she had been expecting something more complicated, an argument perhaps.
"But."
There it was.
"I can't focus on school and training if I'm worrying about ambiguity," Lucas pressed. "So I'm going to say this, and I don't expect you to answer."
Riley waited, her heart beating hard and increasing in speed. She flicked each finger against her thumb, over and over again, a calming technique.
"I've spent the last several years pushing myself in the same way that you have. Pushing myself to be better, to get stronger, faster, smarter than anyone else in this school. But we were put on this team together, and your assignment was to gain our trust, and you did. You got close to each of us individually, emotionally, intellectually. We all trust you. If it came down to it, I'd trust you with my life."
Riley let out a tiny breath, her eyes meeting his as she waited for him to continue.
"But at the same time you shut yourself down to any emotions or connections, and I've watched it happen. You don't fully trust any of us - not when you can't feel anything. I've spent the last few years trying to understand you, and help you open up the way you helped each of us, and in the process I've broken the first rule. I've emotionally compromised myself regarding you, and psychologically, it means that my first instinct will be to put you ahead of any of the others on our team, which is exactly why that rule is in place. So I'm going to force myself to ignore it, and I'm going to graduate, and I'm going to be a member of this team." His eyes bored into hers, and she almost felt like she couldn't blink; if she did, he might stop. "But you need to know that I care about you, and I'll always be here to help you, and I won't stop trying to help you. You don't have to be afraid I'll break the rules, because I won't. But," he took a breath, taking one step forward, "when we graduate and we're no longer on campus, you'll know I'll do anything you'll ask regarding us. You're the first and only girl I've ever cared about in this way, and I don't see that changing any time soon. So Riley, I'll wait as long as it takes. Until the time is right."
Riley took in a deep shuddering breath, becoming abruptly aware that her own arms were hugging tightly around her body. But by the time she looked up again, Lucas was gone.
"I'll wait too," she whispered to the empty room around her.
Conversation two: Maya.
She avoided being alone with Maya for as long as she could - three weeks and two days, to be exact. She worked out on her own at odd hours, never lingered around after classes and team meetings, and ate alone in her room. It was a relief that she didn't have to worry about Lucas trying to get close to her or break the rules, but even when they worked together she could feel the tension in the air.
He didn't know how she felt about him, because she didn't want to know how she felt about him. And he attempted to act like nothing had happened between them, even as Riley felt the sexual tension between Josh and Maya thickening in a much more intense way.
She couldn't help but feel like a hypocrite, but she kept clinging to that mantra of 'it wasn't at the academy, we didn't break the rules' in her mind. It was all she had left.
The class focuses were laid out a week in advance, with spar partners and mock sessions planned out so each team member knew when they needed to be somewhere, and Riley and Maya were scheduled for a mock together. Alone, together.
She showed up early, alone, and stuck her stimulator to the back of her neck before leaning down to adjust her boots. Eric, standing a few feet away programming the mock, watched.
"I don't know what's going on with you guys, but whatever it is-"
"There's nothing going on with us," Riley interrupted, not looking up.
Eric narrowed his eyes. "As your instructor, I have to be able to read between the lines with all of you. I don't know what happened, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to. But I need to make sure you can still do your job while whatever it is plays out - you need to be productive even as you work through internal things."
"I understand," Riley replied quietly, standing up as Maya entered the room and pulled her stimulator from the wall.
"Thanks for joining us," Eric said. He threw the screen from his tablet in his hands up to the large monitor above him, and both Maya and Riley studied the floor plan of the mock. "Unlike previous mocks, in this one you'll be costumed."
"Costumed?" Maya asked blankly.
"When you're working at public events, you'll need to be able to complete missions in various outfits," Eric explained. He opened the cabinets behind him and pulled out some dresses from the many outfits hanging on racks.
"Did you know that was there?" Maya asked Riley, and Riley didn't answer.
"All of these clothes are meant for mocks, and they're tailored to your sizes," Eric explained. He handed the long red dress to Maya, and she took it distastefully, heading towards the prep room to change.
"This one is yours," Eric said, handing Riley a body-con dress in a purple color.
Riley was not looking forward to trying to run and/or fight in this.
When Maya came out of the prep room wearing the dress, Riley felt that somehow they were matched in their unfortunate wardrobes. Maya's dress was tight at the bodice, but the skirt fell all the way down to her ankles and was held out by some under-skirt.
"Please tell me we're not wearing heels," Maya begged.
"You'll be barefoot for this mock, but in the next few weeks we will be starting more formal training," Eric informed them.
After Riley had changed, Eric handed them their cover profiles, and both their stares zeroed in on the phrase on top: domestic couple.
Riley and Maya had played a lesbian couple before in the emotional disconnection unit and in other cover building and acting courses, but now was the worst time for them to have to play this part in a mock.
"This is a New Year's Eve party mock," Eric began to explain. "A technology company has one of our scientists captured and being forced to work with them. You've gotten intel that the agent is being held off site and the only way to find his location is through a server located at the company's headquarters - where a ball is being held in celebration of the New Year for all employees and various stockholders and partners. Find the server, place the trace you'll have in your coat, and our technology agents will hack the server wirelessly from the base."
"So we're not rescuing a hostage?" Maya clarified.
"No, but you'll have to get through some security and skirt guards to get into the right room. This mock is low-contact, mostly cover building. Good luck."
The room faded into the mock, and Riley closed her eyes for a moment to orient herself, before opening them to view the room. They were in a line, waiting to get through security to get into the party, and as Riley took off her coat to put in the basket before going through the metal detector, she felt the pocket for the trace. Hopefully it wasn't made of metal.
Luckily, they got through security without any problems, and Riley watched as hers and Maya's coats were taken to the coat check.
"We'll have to get the trace back from my coat," Riley muttered to Maya.
"We should locate the general area of the server first," Maya replied.
"Let's split up," Riley suggested, heading away from Maya before she could respond.
Riley made her way towards the bar, using her peripheral vision to scan for headsets and earpieces. There was no way that she and Maya were the only people working this party, and sure enough, she spotted several earpieces on dress-clad women, only slightly covered by their hair. Security guards were posted at doors leading out of the large ballroom, and Riley counted four exits, not including the door she and Maya had come in through.
The first hallway she went down led only to bathrooms; she hadn't really been expecting to find something in a hallway that wasn't closely guarded anyways. That left three other exits, and she needed to figure out which was the correct one without checking each one.
She had picked up a drink from a nearby waiter and was casually watching the room around her, noting who went where and when. Two guards came out of the doors farthest from her, and she put her drink down to focus on what they were doing.
Then someone grabbed her arm and swept her onto the dance floor.
She was just as versed in the waltz as Maya, but the sudden start made her fumble a little as she stepped around her big skirt. Maya tipped her head towards her shoulder, reminding Riley to put her hand there, and Riley did.
As they twirled on the dance floor, Riley's hand clasped in Maya's, their heads moved closer together, foreheads meeting to speak quietly.
"Someone was watching you," Maya murmured, and she spun them a different way, flicking her eyes towards a man near the drinks.
Riley glanced at him for one moment. "What did you find out?"
"Exit on the far right is most likely what we're looking for."
Riley nodded. That had been the door she was eyeing too. "Too many guards to enter. You have a plan?"
Maya lifted her head to look at the door again before they spun away around another couple. She came back down and pressed her cheek against Riley's, so her lips were against her ear. "I'm going to start a small fire."
Riley's eyes widened, and she whispered back against Maya's ear. "Where?"
"Drinks table." Maya pressed Riley back the other way.
Riley nodded. "I'll give you a few minutes to start the fire and draw attention."
"And then I'll meet you in the hall."
The pair broke off in sync, Maya heading for the drinks table and Riley moseying along the other direction. It didn't take long for the yell to come, and in the rush of people, Riley slipped into the previously guarded exit.
She walked briskly, intending to look as though she was supposed to be there, if she encountered anyone. As she passed doorways, she flicked a glance into the windows, not stopping her pace until she found the correct one. She nearly missed the room, though, and she turned back on her heel to open the door and find a room of halls and halls of machinery. Great.
She was wishing she had Smackle, right about now.
"I got the trace, it has a code on it," Maya muttered, showing up next to Riley.
Riley grabbed it and studied the code; it was more like a location. She looked up at the room again. The room was divided into numbered aisles, with lettered sections. It didn't take her long to find the correct place, but as she studied the server, Maya's head snapped towards the doorway.
Footsteps became clear, coming closer - security. Riley and Maya glanced at each other for a split second, before Maya swept her skirt around the equipment to hide it as she took Riley by the face and pressed her lips to hers. As if on cue, the bells began to ring for midnight, and the security person's footsteps got louder, entering the room as Maya adjusted her movements, one hand on Riley's lower back and the other on her shoulder. Riley reached up to hold Maya by the back of the neck as their lips moved in sync, selling the make-out session like their lives depended on it.
Anyone looking on the outside would believe that Riley and Maya were the most in-love couple at this ball, and Maya pulled Riley's body closer to hers, eyeing the security guard who had come into view. Riley got her look at the slack-jawed security guard as Maya adjusted her position to press kisses down Riley's neck. Riley breathed hard, mocking arousal, and smirked at the security guard.
"Do you mind? We came in here for some privacy," she raised her eyebrows, and just as she had expected, the security guard turned away reluctantly, apparently attempting to be professional despite his job to protect the server or whatever.
Once they could no longer hear the footsteps, Maya let go of Riley's back and moved away, keeping her eyes on Riley. Riley avoided her gaze, bending down and moving Maya's skirt out of the way to place the trace in the correct place. She watched it, hoping her cheeks weren't burning as hot as she felt.
When the lights blinked green, she stood up and nodded to Maya. Mustling their hair up a bit to sell the make-out session purpose, they exited the room and darted down the hallways to enter the main ballroom.
"Coats," Riley said, and Maya took the ticket to the coat check as Riley weaved her way towards the exit to proceed to security. As she reached the front of the line, Maya met her with their coats. Before they could make it into the security process, though, the mock began to fade out, and Maya and Riley found themselves in the center of the mock room.
"Well done," Eric called as they headed towards the front of the room. "You completed your mission and anticipated each other's actions in response to challenges. I'll have your reports written within the hour."
Riley changed in record time and placed her stimulator on the wall as she exited the mock course. She had almost made it out of the building when Maya caught up to her.
"I knew you were good, but not that good," Maya smirked.
Riley didn't look at her. "We all took the same acting classes, Hart."
"Sure, Matthews."
Riley increased her pace, knowing that Maya would just follow her anyways.
"We do need to talk," Maya began, and Riley stopped abruptly in the middle of the commons to meet Maya's gaze, finally.
"I don't want to talk about whatever the hell you are doing with my brother, Maya," she ordered firmly. "Because I don't want to think about, or acknowledge whatever the hell you are doing with my brother. Do your job. Don't wreck the team. Josh used his favor, and I have to honor that, so I won't tell administration or Lucas. But you know that if Lucas finds out on his own, he'll be pissed you didn't tell him yourself." She turned away to continue towards the girls' dorms.
"So if we don't talk about it?" Maya called, and Riley clenched her jaw. "If we have a don't-ask-don't-tell philosophy on this team, you're fine with that?"
"I can't control what you do," Riley stated. "And even though I don't trust that you'll tell me everything anymore, I still trust your ability to do your job, and I trust that you will succeed in missions. I anticipate your actions, and that's all that matters right now, in this team."
Maya raised her eyebrows.
"Do whatever you want, on your personal time," Riley offered. "But if it doesn't directly concern our work, don't tell me about it."
"So we're just coworkers now?" Maya asked in disbelief.
"You chose this path, so keep your secrets," Riley reminded her. "But learn how to do it better, for god's sake."
She left Maya on the commons, and didn't turn back.
A/N: If you read my A/N on Anecdoche, you also would have known that I lost someone else in my family on Tuesday and I'm still processing that. I've now lost two human family members, and a cat, in less than a year. Considering the negativity on this site, I may take an official hiatus and focus on family and school. I'm sorry to the readers who have been supportive and here for me through this past year.
I'm not in love with this chapter, but I had to get something out. I might kinda skip through and summarize the rest of the year in one chapter, but I haven't decided whose. I just want to get to the safe house already, you know? That's where all the good stuff happens.
I had an interesting time writing my first Rilaya mock; I've always liked their dynamic and a passive romantic interaction was always something I planned. Being operations agents meant they had to have undercover mocks not just with their pairs, in case they needed to do an actual mission like that. For you guys who are obsessed with their OTPs, don't worry; Riley and Maya have no romantic feelings for one another, and their only true romantic connection in this story will be with their pair.
I am sorry for the long wait for this chapter and for the fact that Rucas didn't get together. Rucas is the slow burn in this book; Joshaya is the hot and heavy enemies to lovers.
Still way overwhelmed with school and midterms next week, so I'm not expecting anything else to come out soon.
Constructive reviews are always appreciated.
Kisses,
C
(P.S.: If you are upset about my chapters, nobody is forcing you to read them! I'm not writing solely for the internet readers, I'm writing because I enjoy it. And I will keep writing the way I choose because I'm the one writing the book. I will not be changing my plotline for a few readers who aren't a fan of it. Go find another book if you don't like the way I write! There's literally thousands of stories on this site, and I truly hope you find one you do enjoy :))