Watching the Doctor

by RedRobyn2

The Doctor is stranded in prison, dealing with the revelations of the Timeless Child and the memories of her time travelling, all alone. Until the Tardis decides enough is enough and gathers her and some of her more recent companions to help her deal with her past and make some amends by watching her adventures. Characters watch the show, set after Timeless Child/Pre-Resolution.

13. The Husbands of River Song

Hello everyone!

Here is the next chapter - admittedly the end I rushed it a bit as I literally have to go to work in like twenty minutes but oh well.

Still I hoped you enjoyed and please let me know what you think! I love reading your comments.

Also what episode do you want next? - I was planning to do Boom Town but I have changed my mind and will do that later. the only conditions I have are: It must be a 10 or 11 Doctor episode, not a two part-er and maybe a shorter, less emotionally charged one as I have a busy week ahead of me but still want to upload something. Maybe something like School reunion? Your choice, so let me know!

Anyway as always thank you for reading and hope you enjoyed!

Robyn

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The group watched as the words 'The Husbands of River Song' appeared on the screen. As soon as the words registered the whole room turned to River, a mix of emotions prominent on their faces. Most of the group just looked confused and curious, while the Doctor, Amy and Rory looked exasperated.

"River? Is there something you want to tell us?" Amy raised an eyebrow at her daughter who was doing her best to not look amused. Next to her, the Doctor was stuck between entertained at her wife's predicament and annoyed at the reminder of her wife's antics in matrimonial affairs.

"Mother dearest, I'm sure the video will explain." River answered, not quite knowing what to say to her parents (she did her best to keep the worse of her adventures away from them) and mentally combing through what they were actually about to be shown.

The Doctor had finally given in and started chuckling, earning an annoyed look from her wife. "Do you think this will be about Hydroflax?" She asked, a mischievous grin lighting up her face. Oh, she absolutely couldn't wait to see Amy and Rory's reactions to that … on second thoughts maybe not, they'd be angry with her for the River's doubts.

"It said 'husbands', Sweetie. As in plural." River pointed out, raising an eyebrow to make an expression that was entirely Amy.

"Of course. We can't forget Ramone, can we?" The Doctor shot back, unable to keep a touch of jealousy out of her tone.

River's eyes softened ever so slightly at that. "Don't worry, you're still my favourite." The Doctor practically preened at that while the rest of the room watched on mostly confused but highly entertained. (The Master was scowling darkly in the corner, unnoticed by the rest of the room).

"Anything we need to know before we learn more about what River's been up to across space and time?" Rory asked with a resigned sigh. Really, he should be used to the antics of the rest of his family (wife, daughter and daughter (formerly son) in law).

River and the Doctor shared a look, both coming to the realisation the full scope of what was likely about to be shown to the whole group. "If it is what we think it is then it takes place shortly after the last video for me. River, anything they need to know from you?"

"I don't think so." River answered, face crinkled in thought. The pair were given several exasperated looks but no more comments were made and the video began.

Mendorax Dellora
(human colony)
Christmas Day
5343

[Village]

(Two moons shine through wispy clouds in a night sky as we fly over a snow-covered landscape and a large red flying saucer, to a village, as an orchestra and choir gives us that excellent Christmas hymn by Charles Wesley to the tune by Felix Mendelssohn.

"What's with the flying saucer?" Amy asked unable to hide her grin at seeing the more typical UFO.

"Spoilers." River grinned. The room groaned at the non-answer with Amy and Rory especially annoyed at the resurgence of their least favourite word.

In a street looking remarkably like Trap Street but with extra cheeriness and lights, the Tardis is being quietly covered with the falling snow, and has some icicles hanging from it. There is a notice fastened to the door - Carol Singers Will Be Criticised.

The room laughed at seeing the sign hanging from the Tardis. "Oh, it's definitely the grumpy old one." Clara grinned, happy to see the Doctor in a better situation (hopefully) and humour. She'd been worried about him after Gallifrey, hence the waitress thing, but she hadn't been able to keep up with him afterwards.

A man in a red duffel coat and woolly bobble hat approaches the Mathiesa Boutique and turns left, looking at a piece of paper and muttering to himself.)

"Nardole!" Bill visibly perked up upon seeing the familiar face. The whole group turned to the quietest member of the group. He did a little wave upon seeing the group watching him.

"Yes, Bill. This is how I had the unfortunate chance of meeting Nardole." The Doctor announced, but the smile on her face told the group she didn't mean it.

River nudged her anyway. "Be nice, Sweetie." The Doctor just grinned.

CHOIR [OC]: Hark! The Herald Angels sing. Glory to the newborn king! Peace on earth and mercy mild. God and sinners reconciled. Joyful, all ye nations, rise. Join the triumph of the skies.

"Of course, it's Christmas. You always find trouble at Christmas." Donna bemoaned, remembering far too well the 'Christmas star.' The Doctor just sighed, nodding their head in agreement. It was rare they had any luck around Christmas, it didn't matter where she was.

NARDOLE: Nothing there.
(He turns around and sees the Tardis, then checks his piece of paper.)
NARDOLE: Ooo! This must be it.
(He goes up to the Tardis and knocks on the door. The Doctor answers it. He had two felt antlers sticking straight up on the top of his head.)

The room burst out laughing at the ridiculous sight of Eyebrows with fake antlers. The Doctor just pouted as the room enjoyed the comedic sight.

"Why?" Clara managed to ask between giggles.

The Doctor just waved to the screen seeing no point in explaining when she was about to do so on screen. She couldn't deny she was excited to see River's embarrassment at not recognising her and all the comments she had made, but she wasn't excited for Amy and Rory's reaction to the ending.

DOCTOR: Is there anything on my head?
NARDOLE: Er, well, yes.
DOCTOR: Describe it.

"You didn't know what was on your head?" Rose asked, grinning.

"It wasn't my choice of head gear but the Tardis was trying to cheer me up." The Doctor gave in and explained. It quietened the chuckles, the reminder of what the Doctor had just gone through. At least they could always rely on the Tardis to be there for the Doctor, even if they weren't.

NARDOLE: Well, you've sort of got antlers.
DOCTOR: Antlers?
NARDOLE: Yes, antlers.
DOCTOR: Antlers! Hmm.

The room burst back into laughter unable to hold it in the face of Eyebrow's confusion and annoyance over the antlers. It helped they had all been so tense over the last few videos, it made this small bit of humour so much more entertaining.

(The Doctor goes back inside, leaving the door slightly ajar.)
DOCTOR [OC]: You are a time-space machine. You're a vehicle! I've never asked you to cheer me up with hologrammatic antlers!
(The Tardis makes a brief engine noise.)
DOCTOR [OC]: Thank you.

The group smiled, happy to see one thing that never changed. The Tardis would always look after the Doctor; case in point this whole affair.

(The Doctor returns, minus the antlers.)
DOCTOR: Can I help you?
NARDOLE: Yes. Are you the surgeon?
DOCTOR: Close enough. Why?

The room turned to the Doctor. River looked very close to face palming; she was staring to see how the whole situation had come about. Of course, it was Nardole's fault.

"You are not a surgeon." Martha pointed out with a raised eyebrow. "You are barely capable of basic first aid most of the time despite your name."

The Doctor was struggling with either being offended or amused at that comment. "I never said I was a medical doctor. Besides he came to me, and everything worked out. Mostly."

The whole room just sighed at the Doctor to her confusion.

NARDOLE: Well, you know.
DOCTOR: I don't know.

"Because he was the wrong person, Nardole." River sighed exasperated. She had a feeling this was going to be her near constant state for parts of this video. The Doctor just grinned at her wife.

NARDOLE: There's a medical emergency.
(Nardole turns and starts to walk away.)
DOCTOR: Will there be singing?
NARDOLE: No.
DOCTOR: Fine, then.

"Of course, that is your first worry." Clara shook her head, all too used to Eyebrow's behaviour.

(The Doctor closes the Tardis door and follows Nardole.)
NARDOLE: We weren't sure where you'd come down.
DOCTOR: Sorry?
NARDOLE: In your capsule.
DOCTOR: I'm never sure. I don't like being sure about things. One minute you're sure, the next everybody turns into lizards and a piano falls on you.

"No, you are just a terrible pilot." The Master snickered. The room was mixed between hating that it was him speaking and agreeing with his words.

The Doctor audibly huffed, arms crossed in an offended manner. She knew there was no point arguing it (and she wasn't actually that offended), she trusted the Tardis despite not always liking it at the time.

"Lizards?" Bill asked incredulous. The Doctor grinned shrugging, but offered no actual answer.

NARDOLE: A piano?
DOCTOR: It's been a long day.

"A long life." The Doctor muttered to herself, too quiet for most of the room to hear. Unnoticed to the Doctor, Jack and River had heard and shared a concerned look over her head.

(They walk down the street, past all the lights and decorations. Another man carrying a medical bag comes out of a side street and speaks to a passing woman.)
SURGEON: Are you expecting a surgeon?

The Doctor grinned while River sighed, rolling her eyes. "Nardole!" Nardole avoided anyone's eyes.

DOCTOR: So what's the medical emergency?
NARDOLE: Didn't you read the agreement?

[Outside the saucer]

(They have passed the white painted fence denoting the edge of the village.)
NARDOLE: There it is.
DOCTOR: What?

"Have you seriously not noticed the flying saucer?" Amy asked in disbelief. The rest of the group was giving the Doctor similar disbelieving looks.

The Doctor shrugged slightly. "it's not like I've been there at that time before, I didn't know if it was normally there." The room just shook their heads at her.

NARDOLE: There. That's it.
DOCTOR: That's what? Oh, the flying saucer. Is that new?

The group chuckled a little at the typical Doctor behaviour.

(A door in the saucer opens, back-lighting a figure in a white fur trimmed hooded red floor-length cloak, who walks forward down the ramp to meet them. Note - although this person's face is partially obscured by the hood, her voice is instantly recognisable to us.)
NARDOLE: Come on.
RIVER: Well, you took your time.

"River." Rory smiled, recognising his daughter's voice. Amy was also watching her, glad to see that even when they were gone, the Doctor and River were still together.

NARDOLE: (bowing) Sorry, ma'am. This is him. This is the surgeon.
DOCTOR: Hello.
RIVER: You don't look much like your pictures.
DOCTOR: Well, that's an ongoing problem for me.

River groaned, suddenly remembering showing him the photos later and all the comments he had made. The Doctor was just chuckling at his wife's embarrassment. She'd been so excited to see River, it had been a chance to see someone she loved and the first time she'd laughed properly since losing Clara.

RIVER: Doesn't look very impressive, does he? Nardole, what have you brought to my doorstep?

The Doctor pouted. "I wasn't that bad, was I?" She knew she (then he) had looked a bit bedraggled but surely, he hadn't been that bad. Older than River was used to but age rarely mattered when it came to time travellers (as long as everyone was past the age of consent).

"Of course, not Sweetie." River said patronisingly, adding a tap to her head to emphasise it. The Doctor pouted even more at River's teasing while the rest of the room chuckled.

DOCTOR: I've had a haircut. This is my best suit.
RIVER: It's not even a suit.

"It is better than most of your normal fashion choices however." River conceded.

"Hey!"

DOCTOR: Do I know you?
RIVER: You most certainly do not.
(She throws back the hood. The Doctor smiles broadly.)

It pulled at River's heart strings, seeing the Doctor so happy to see her. Especially, knowing now the details of what the Doctor had just gone through (who knows how long it had been for them in their personal timestream, though she had mentioned it hadn't been long) and she hadn't even recognised her husband. Though as he'd mentioned, that was an ongoing problem. Still, she thought she'd always be able to recognise the Doctor anywhere. Then again, she had thought he had used up all his regenerations so it wasn't like she was entirely unwarranted in her lack of recognition. Sensing River's spiralling thoughts, the Doctor squeezed her hand and offered a small smile when River met her eyes.

RIVER: And now that you've met me, you'll do your very best to forget me.
DOCTOR: River!
NARDOLE: Oi! Doctor Song to you. Sometimes Professor, but mainly Doctor.

"I'm guessing time travel?" Mickey snorted, referring to the title change. River winked in answer.

"What do you teach professor?" Graham asked curious.

"Archaeology." River answered with a smile at the older man. She then elbowed the Doctor who had let out a derogatory snort.

"You match." Bil announced, head tilted to the side in thought. Upon seeing both River and the Doctor looking at her, she tried to explain. "I mean you're both doctors and professors. The Doctor taught at St Luke's for at least seventy years after all."

River and the Doctor blinked having not made the connection, it seemed even unconsciously they tended to mimic each other.

RIVER: Don't use my name. Ever. How do you know me?
DOCTOR: Well, it's a tiny bit complicated. People usually need a flowchart.

"You're incorrigible." River sighed but couldn't hide her smile. The Doctor had made so many comments and jokes that she had mostly ignored. Watching this again with the knowledge of who he was certainly put a new perspective on everything.

RIVER: It doesn't matter. If either of you use my name again, I will remove your organs in alphabetical order. Any questions?
DOCTOR: Which alphabet? (grin fades) Sorry, you really didn't want these questions, did you?

"You two are disgusting." Amy made a face at the pair. She wasn't entirely surprised by her daughter's more murderous tendencies; she'd seen plenty of examples over the times they'd met. Plus, Melody hadn't exactly followed the rules. The rest of the room was watching confused by the interaction, they were still very confused by the whole daughter-parent thing, unsure how it worked.

RIVER: This way. We don't have a lot of time.
(She leads the way into the saucer.)
DOCTOR: What seems to be the problem?
RIVER: My husband.

The room turned their heads to look at the Doctor who was watching the screen with a weird mix of humour and jealousy on her face. River was refusing to look anyone in the eyes, all too aware of how embarrassing things were going to become. Jack was watching the screen with unbridled entertainment. The rest of the group was just confused.

DOCTOR: Your husband?
RIVER: Didn't you read my message? My husband, yes. My husband is dying.
(The Doctor stands still.)
NARDOLE: Something wrong?
DOCTOR: I think I'm going to need a bigger flowchart.

The room broke out into chuckles at that. River just sighed exasperated with her wife, "I don't think there is a flow chart big enough to explain our timelines, Sweetie." The Doctor just grinned at her wife.

"How many people have you married?" Rose asked River. She wasn't sure how to feel about the time traveller. She'd mostly gotten over her feelings for the Doctor, being happily married to John but it was still weird to think about River having married the Doctor.

"Not that many."

"Too many."

River and the Doctor answered in sync, turning to face each other as soon as the words left their mouths. River raised an eyebrow. "You can talk. How many times have you gotten married?"

"Less than you! And that's only the people I know about." The Doctor argued. "You're answer to everything in life is to either shoot it or marry it."

"I like that philosophy." Jack grinned. He was enjoying this video so far, happy to see the Doctor in a better mood and also to see the relationship between the pair.

"Of course, you would." The Doctor muttered while River winked at Jack.

[Saucer chamber]

(Plainsong is being sung somewhere as River enters the main chamber.)
RIVER: Husband, I return to you.
(Cloaked figures start to draw swords from scabbards slung across their backs, then return them to their resting places.)

"Are those ninjas?" Bill asked, far too excited by the thought.

The Doctor smiled at her enthusiasm. "Not quite."

HYDROFLAX: Where is my queen?
RIVER: Never far from you, my love.
HYDROFLAX: Ah.

"It's bad enough hearing you flirt with the Doctor, I don't want to see this." Amy made a face at the screen while the Doctor nodded in agreement (for only semi-related reasons - River shouldn't be flirting with anyone else). Rory and River just sighed at the pair.

(Hydraulic servos move, and we see a small male head where the neck should be on a huge red armoured figure lying on a table.)
DOCTOR: No, wait. That's your husband?

"You married a robot?" Ryan asked, eyebrows raised. "Not that I'm judging." He hurried to add when the room turned to face him.

"He's a cyborg technically. The body is robotic the head is not." River explained. She was getting the feeling that she would be doing a lot of that in this video.

RIVER: Listen, you are being watched by four billion people.
(There are screens recessed into the walls around the chamber.)

"Why are they watching?" Martha asked, incredulous.

"Their king was dying." River shrugged, she had been more focussed on the diamond then the screens.

RIVER: You are surrounded by warrior monks with sentient laser swords, genetically engineered anger problems and not enough to do. Best just stay still and keep your hands by your side.

"The Doctor isn't capable of staying still." Clara shook her head. The Doctor was stuck between being offended and pleased.

"Sentient laser swords?" Yaz however was focussed on another part of River's statement. No one gave her any answers, the only three who had been there were already facing the screen again.

DOCTOR: No, wait. That's your husband?
RIVER: My husband, your patient. King Hydroflax.
DOCTOR: Yes, that's who you're married to? Not anybody else?

"That makes more sense now." River muttered to herself. It was typical that the time she needed a surgeon for a diamond in her 'husband's' head, she had instead got the Doctor.

"I would hope so." The Doctor huffed next to River. She was undeniably jealous, as she had been through most of the video when it was actually happening. Rver just gave her an amused look and squeezed her hand tightly.

HYDROFLAX: My love, attend me, woman!
RIVER: I fly to you. Is there a problem?
DOCTOR: Right. So you don't recognise me, then?
RIVER: Why would I recognise you?
DOCTOR: Oh, no reason.

"Why didn't you tell her?" Rory asked, glancing between the screen and the pair in the room. He was a bit uncomfortable watching his daughter flirt with Hydroflax, at least he knew the Doctor (not that their flirting was any better) but the pair didn't seem too traumatised so he was more relaxed about where the story was ending. He couldn't deny he was eager to see more about River's life without any of them, he had never got to spend as much time with his daughter as he had always wanted to.

River raised an eyebrow to tell the Doctor she was thinking the same thing. The Doctor just sighed, glancing between the father-daughter duo before answering. "It would have complicated things at that moment. Plus, I'd just rocked up and suddenly my wife is proclaiming her love to someone else, every time I tried to tell you, something else got in the way." She admitted. She'd been so excited to see River and then disappointed when River hadn't recognised her. That was her curse, like she'd once told Clara - she changed her face and suddenly no one would see her. It was made all the worst by it being River, someone who had always seen her, even when she (then he) hadn't seen her. River's expression softened ever so slightly at that explanation.

(River goes to Hydroflax and caresses his armour. Nardole stands next to the Doctor, who has crossed his arms.)
DOCTOR: I don't like him. Do you like him?

Several members of the group snorted at seeing the Doctor clearly jealous and grumpy while his wife ignored him. They couldn't deny t as entertaining and they were reassured it hadn't been too bad by the way the pair were acting with each other in the room, so they felt safe enough to be amused.

NARDOLE: Don't cross your arms.
DOCTOR: He's a lying down person. I don't like lying down people. It's so untidy.

"You talk utter nonsense, I swear." Martha shook her head. Most of the room was giving the Doctor disbelieving looks or laughing at the obvious jealousy.

NARDOLE: Keep your arms by your side, like she said.
RIVER: My one true love. The only husband I will ever have.

The Doctor retreated from River, pulling her hand away to rest it on her lap. Even knowing River had been lying, it still hurt to hear. River met her eyes and whispered softly, so that no one else would hear, "You're the one I love, Sweetie. For better or worse, across all of time and space." River grabbed the Doctor's hand back, gently pressing a kiss to the back of it while the Doctor watched mouth slightly open but utterly speechless at River's declaration. The Doctor's state didn't deter River who smiled softly but sincerely at her wife. She understood the Doctor's pain of being unrecognised all too well. She'd gone from twenty-four years of bliss with her husband straight to meeting a version who didn't know her. She was just thankful for this time here with her wife and family.

(The Doctor rolls his eyes and crosses his arms. Nardole nudges him and he drops them by his side again.)
RIVER: My time with you has been too short.
HYDROFLAX: You have given me days of adventure and many nights of passion.
DOCTOR: Oh, oh.

The Doctor's face crinkled in annoyance and jealousy at the reminder. Amy and Rory just made disgusted faces, not wanting to know about that aspect of their daughter's life. The rest of the room was split between being uncomfortable and being entertained. River was unrepentant.

NARDOLE: Why do you keep crossing them?
DOCTOR: Because they cross, I've got cross arms.

"You're just cross in general." Clara snorted. The Doctor shrugged but didn't argue, it was true. Eyebrow's had been cross and grumpy with his attack eyebrows.

HYDROFLAX: The end is near. I feel it.

"Wait. Why is he dying?" Mickey asked. The room had been so focussed on the drama unfolding between the Doctor and River on screen they had mostly forgotten the Doctor was there (by accident) for Hydroflax.

River and the Doctor shared a glance that said a thousand things before smiling and turning to answer Mickey in sync. "Spoilers."

RIVER: Forgive me, my lord. I have acted against your instructions.
HYDROFLAX: My love?
RIVER: If you die this day, this galaxy will drown any tears. Oh, look at them, your people! They watch and hope and pray. With so much at stake, I followed my heart. I disobeyed your orders and sent for the finest surgeon in the galaxy!

"You sent for the finest surgeon and ended up with this idiot." Rose said, gaining a (mock) betrayed look from the Doctor and a grin (of agreement) from River.

"How does that work? I mean the Doctor is in now way a surgeon. Was he even able to help?" Martha asked, forehead crinkled in thought.

"He helped, just not the way I had planned." River grinned at her wife who grinned back.

"So the normal." Martha snorted.

(The crowds on the screens cheer and applaud. The Doctor looks around, and River holds out her hand to him. Nardole chuckles and punches the Doctor lightly on the arm.)
DOCTOR: (sotto) This might be an alarming question in the circumstance, but you really do think I'm a surgeon, don't you?
NARDOLE: Oh.
DOCTOR: (sotto) Okay, calm down, keep it together. Don't make puddles.

"Don't be mean to Nardole." Bill protested but the effect was ruined by her chuckles. Nardole was rapidly nodding along.

RIVER: Surgeon, attend your patient.
(Nardole looks very worried, and whimpers.)
DOCTOR: (sotto) Any tiny hint of species he might be?
(Nardole whimpers I dunno.)

DOCTOR: (sotto) Okay, never mind. You just stay there. (to a monk next to them.) You're probably going to need a mop.

The room was laughing at the interaction between Nardole and the Doctor on screen. Bill was grinning wildly, neither Nardole or the Doctor had fully explained how they had met and she was excited to see everything. River was shaking her head at them both, but the effect was ruined by her smile. She'd missed the exchange the first time.

(The Doctor goes to Hydroflax's side.)
RIVER: Bow.
DOCTOR: Sorry, what?

The room broke out laughing again at the Doctor's offended/confused look. Even River couldn't hide her grin, knowing what she knew now and not actually being in any danger made their whole exchange so much more entertaining.

RIVER: You are in the presence of his Infinite Majesty, King Hydroflax. You will bow.
DOCTOR: Oh, no. I'm sorry, Your Majesty, I can't do that.
(Nardole is seriously cacking himself now.)
RIVER: You what?

"There is no way he will bow. She only bows to people when she actually respects them." Clara smiled. The Doctor nodded, absolutely fine with that assessment. Clara was right, she saw no point in bowing to anyone who didn't deserve it. Hydroflax definitely didn't deserve it and that was without the whole being-married-to-River thing.

DOCTOR: It's my back.
RIVER: Your back?
DOCTOR: Yeah, my back's playing up. It simply refuses to carry the weight of an entirely pointless stratum of society who contribute nothing of worth to the world and crush the hopes and dreams of working people.

The whole room turned to the Doctor who made a purposely innocent look that fooled no one. That seemed to be the last straw for many of them as they burst out laughing at the Doctor's dramatic little spiel.

HYDROFLAX: Can you save me, Surgeon?
DOCTOR: Well, that depends upon what's wrong with you.
RIVER: There's something in his brain.
DOCTOR: You could have fooled me.

Several people snorted while River just sighed exasperated with her wife (but at least a little part of her was pleased to see the Doctor jealous over her).

The Doctor raise an eyebrow at River. "You can't say I was wrong with my assessment." River didn't dignify that with an actual answer.

(Hydroflax gets angry.)
DOCTOR: Oh, oh, sorry.
(River placates Hydroflax by massaging his face vigorously.)
DOCTOR: Sorry, just gallows humour. Probably the wrong word.

"Were you trying to make everything worse?" River asked the Doctor with a pointed look.

The Doctor shrugged, unregretful for her behaviour toward Hydroflax. "It just happens."

NARDOLE: Yeah, I would say it is.
RIVER: My love, you must rest. The surgeon and I will discuss the procedure. Prepare, master of my life, to live anew.
(She plants a long sloppy kiss on Hydroflax's forehead.)

Amy, Rory and the Doctor all made similar disgusted faces at seeing their daughter/wife kiss Hydroflax like that.

RIVER: Patience be with you all. Our King will rise again!
NARDOLE + CROWDS: Our King will rise again.
(River gestures to the Doctor to follow her out of the chamber.)
CROWDS: Our King will rise again! Hydroflax! Hydroflax!

In the corner, the Master had been suspiciously quiet for the whole video. He'd been making annoyed faces at the screen anytime no was glancing his way. His whole mind was swirling with ugly emotions at seeing the Doctor (his Doctor) so happy with her wife. He had the strange feeling that he knew the name Hydroflax and was scouring through his mind to figure out how he knew the name.

[Saucer room]

(The doors close.)
DOCTOR: All right, enough of this. The joke's over.

RIVER: What joke?
DOCTOR: Look at me.

"I'm surprised you lasted this long." Nardole muttered and was promptly ignored. It was weird watching a video he was so involved in.

RIVER: Why?
DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor.
RIVER: You'd better be, you've got an operation to perform.

River (and several other people, including Jack and Clara) winced at River's brush past the Doctor trying to confess his identity to her. The Doctor just watched the screen with sad eyes, she'd been so distracted by the better moments that she'd almost managed to forget there were parts of the video she wasn't eager to see again.

River squeezed her hand, distracting her from the spiral her thoughts had taken her in. "I'm sorry Sweetie." She muttered softly.

"It's fine River, you weren't expecting me." The Doctor replied before getting even quieter. "At least you knew me."

"That doesn't mean it's fine." River answered back, eyes soft while her tone was firm. She was mostly ignoring the last comment (and how much it hurt) far too aware of the Doctor's distraction tactics.

(She activates a massive hologram of Hydroflax's head.)
RIVER: Here's the entry wound, just below the hairline. And there's the projectile. It should have killed him straight off, but he's very strong.
DOCTOR: It's not a bullet.
RIVER: It's a diamond.

"A diamond!?" Donna exclaimed. "How'd that get in his head?" The rest of the room was also gaping at the screen. The Master, however, raised an eyebrow - he recognised that diamond. River and the Doctor shared another glance before just waving at the screen in answer (to the room's continued frustration).

DOCTOR: How did it get in there?
RIVER: At speed.

"Illuminating." Jack grinned at River. The pair had had some time to talk over the breaks and immediately connected; sharing several things like being semi-immortal time travellers that had met (and loved) the Doctor. They also had a similar sense of humour, which was why his comment gained a grin from River. The Doctor suddenly had a paniced look on her face as she came to the realisation about how close the pair had gotten.

(The Doctor puts on his sonic sunglasses.)
RIVER: Do you recognise it?
DOCTOR: No!
RIVER: Yes.
DOCTOR: The Halassi Androvar.

Jack whistled in appreciation and the Master (unseen to everyone but the Doctor who knew him best) gained a sparkle in his eye that usually signified the start of a plan.

The rest of the group just raised their eyebrows. "I'm guessing that means something?" Graham asked. The Doctor, River and Jack all nodded slowly.

RIVER: The very same. Hydroflax was leading a raid on the Halassi vaults. In the ensuing fire-fight, the whole thing blew up in his face, with the result that he now has the most valuable diamond in the universe lodged three inches inside his enormous head.

"So an impressive diamond lodged in his head." Amy summarised, turning a pointed look at her daughter. "What are you up to?"

"Nothing mother." River's replied innocently. Amy snorted, unbelieving.

(The Doctor reaches into the hologram and manipulates the holo-diamond.)
RIVER: So, can you remove it?
DOCTOR: It's very small. It might be difficult to manoeuvre it.
RIVER: Not the diamond. His head.

The room swivelled to face River all sharing similar 'what the hell?' expressions. The Doctor was just shaking her head, fondly exasperated at River's antics.

"River." Rory started, rubbing his forehead as if to ward off a headache.

"Yes, dad?" River said, face innocent and unrepentant.

Amy snorted. "Of course, you want the diamond. That's why you married him. The pair of you were arguing about it earlier, you want the diamond." She took a deep breath while Rory just watched her in disbelief. "Is this really what you get up to when we aren't around?"

River offered no answer, just grinning before turning back to the screen.

DOCTOR: His head?
(The Doctor removes his sunglasses and stares at River.)

A few people snorted at the Doctor's expression.

RIVER: Yes. I think it would be easier just to remove the whole thing, don't you?
DOCTOR: Wouldn't that kill him?
RIVER: You're the medical expert, but I'd say so, yes.

"River!" Rory exclaimed with a long sigh. Amy just snorted which wasn't helpful.

Jack just cackled at the interaction between the pair. the rest of the room was stuck between entertained and confused shock, which seemed to be a near constant from the group for this video.

DOCTOR: Your husband?
RIVER: Sort of.
DOCTOR: Sort of?
RIVER: I basically married the diamond. The Halassi want their diamond back, so they came to me.

"So you decided the best way to get the diamond was to marry him?!" Clara asked, raising an eyebrow at River. She'd only really had the chance to meet her once but this did seem perfectly on track form what she'd learnt about her over her time with the Doctor.

"It worked." River argued.

DOCTOR: Why?
RIVER: I'm an archaeologist.
DOCTOR: Slash murderer slash thief.
RIVER: An archaeologist is just a thief. With patience.

"At least you admit it." The Doctor muttered. She didn't understand archaeologists (well she did, it was half the reason she travelled - to understand other worlds and people) but River's choice of archaeology made some sense for her (she'd been looking for her) and she enjoyed it. There were only two archaeologists she had ever really gotten to know and love (one she married, another a dear friend (Benny Summerfield, who she hadn't seen in so long)) and she still couldn't help but find archaeology entertaining.

River just rolled her eyes at her wife, but couldn't contain her smile.

(She empties a zippered bag, throwing out a red fez and a bronze plate.)
RIVER: Never had much of that. It'll fit in here, don't you think? I've checked it for leaks.

"I'm sorry. You're planning to kill him and steal his head for a diamond!?" Martha blinked, struggling to compute how the Doctor had ended up with someone like River. They were good together but they seemed so different at times, it didn't help that they were missing most of the story which would help make it make more sense.

"Just you wait, it gets worse." The Doctor snorted, but smiled besotted at her wife.

DOCTOR: Is this what you're like when I'm not
RIVER: Not what?

"Not around us." Amy finished, fully aware that it wasn't quite what the Doctor was going to say but it was the same sentiment.

"I have to do something to keep busy." River answered with a shrug.

DOCTOR: You're talking about murdering someone.
RIVER: No, I'm not. I'm actually murdering someone. Cheer up, get a saw, I'll kill the lights, you kill the patient.

"River!" Rory sounded almost like a strangled cat, eyes closed to calm himself. Times like this made it easier to connect River to their childhood friend Melody. The rest of the room looked equally shocked, gaping between the screen and River. Jack, however, wasn't helping the matter as he sat cackling away next to the Doctor (who was hiding her face), he knew he liked River.

I employed you. You agreed to this. Do you not know who that man is? King Hydroflax, the butcher of the Bone Meadows, who ends his battles by eating his enemies, dead or alive. The murder of a creature like that wouldn't weigh heavily on my conscience, even if I had one.

"You know what, go for it River." Amy declared upon hearing more about Hydroflax.

"Amy!" Rory complained but his face told the room how torn he was. Hydroflax's history had definitely gone a way to assuage the shock of River's murder plans.

What's that face? Are you thinking? Stop it. You're a man, it looks weird.

That startled a few snorts out of the group.

DOCTOR: I need more information.
RIVER: For what?
DOCTOR: For my diagnosis.
RIVER: He's dying. We're about to steal his head and scoop out his brains. Aren't we over-thinking?

Rory just exhaled sharply, rubbing his forehead desperately. He could have gone the rest of his life without learning more about River's dubious morality.

DOCTOR: I'll be the judge of that. I'm the Doctor.

River winced at that. She'd not noticed how many times the Doctor had tried to tell her who he was, she'd been busy with her plans and confused by her 'surgeon's' supposed lack of information despite the info pack she had provided when she'd hired him. She'd brushed the Doctor off so many times which surely hurt him (and when he was already down - it had been bad enough that the Tardis had been trying to cheer him up), she knew how much it would hurt to go unseen by someone you loved. The Doctor squeezed her hand, offering a soft smile to reassure her.

RIVER: You know who you remind me of?
DOCTOR: Yes, probably a chap with a big
RIVER: My second wife.

That split the room; half of them boggled over the idea of how many spouses River had and the other half was entertained by the whole matter. The Doctor just turned to River; "But I'm your favourite wife, right?"

"Well my second wife could do this spectacular thing with -." River started, purposely teasing the Doctor who spluttered. "Yes Sweetie. You're my favourite spouse." The Doctor smiled, utterly besotted with her wife, which was a mutual thing.

(The hologram of his head is replaced by the entire actual Hydroflax. The monks with him all draw their swords.)

"You've been caught." Rose announced worriedly. They'd been so busy watching the exchange and getting caught up in River's murder-y tendencies that they'd forgotten about half the actual problem.

RIVER: Darling! You're up and about!
HYDROFLAX: False wife!
RIVER: How much better you're looking!
HYDROFLAX: You plan to take my head.
RIVER: Never crossed my mind. Is this your bag?
(She gives the bag to the Doctor.)

"You can't lie yourself out of this one River." Jack chuckled, he was a bit worried but knew the Doctor and River combined were a force to be reckoned with. They would get themselves out of trouble, faster if they worked as a team. River shrugged, she'd figured that but it was worth the try.

HYDROFLAX: Perhaps you should have just asked.
(Hydroflax's three-fingered right hand turns his head to the side then pulls it off its attachment and lowers it onto the table, then the body stomps two paces back.)

"You didn't know he was a cyborg?" Bill asked River. She would easily admit she was slightly in awe of the other woman and she was half in love with River and the Doctor's relationship.

"I was mostly focussed on the diamond and wasn't actually interested in him." River admitted, she'd been a bit put out to realise Hydroflax was a cyborg (although it made some sense).

RIVER: Well! I wondered why we didn't share a bathroom.
DOCTOR: You married a cyborg and you didn't even know it.

"No need to sound so smug Sweetie." River nudged her wife, who grinned unashamed.

HYDROFLAX: I'll have you flogged and flayed and burnt. I will crush every last remnant of you from this universe.

"He's lovely." Rose muttered, earning a few snorts from the group.

RIVER: How dare you! I'm your wife.
HYDROFLAX: You planned to murder me!
RIVER: Don't change the subject.

"Pot calling the kettle black." The Doctor teased her wife. River hushed her.

HYDROFLAX: Why are you doing this? Who are you?
RIVER: I'm Professor River Song. You have an ancient artefact of great value to good people, and whatever it takes, I'm going to bring it home to them. You have stolen so much from so many, King Hydroflax, and I'm the woman who's going to steal it all back.

"You look so smitten, Doctor." Clara smiled softly. The rest of the group watched the screen, all coming to the same conclusion - they could suddenly see a bit more about why the Doctor and River were married, she was making passionate speeches in the defence of innocence just like the Doctor would.

HYDROFLAX: What are you?!
RIVER: I'm an archaeologist. Look! I've got a trowel.
(She pulls a trowel from her tool belt. It whirs as she uses it to zap the monk's swords, then attack Hydroflax's body.)
RIVER: Ha, ha, ha!

"That's still embarrassing." The Doctor muttered, River nudged her in the side.

(The Doctor picks up Hydroflax's head.)
DOCTOR: Do not harm her! If you know what's good for you, do not lay a finger on that woman.

"Thank you Sweetie." River whispered softly to her wife, appreciative of the Doctor's defence of her - even while she didn't recognise him.

"Anytime Sweetie." The Doctor whispered back, squeezing her hand.

HYDROFLAX: Ignore him. Attack!
(River keeps using her sonic trowel on the cyborg while the Doctor opens the garbage disposal chute.)
DOCTOR: Garbage disposal, right? Get ready to say whee!

"Doctor." Several people shook their heads at her antics and comments. The Doctor just grinned unashamed while River squeezed her hand.

HYDROFLAX: Put me down.
DOCTOR: Back off from River Song. Give the order now. Get yourself under control.
HYDROFLAX: Do not attack the female.
(River runs to the Doctor's side, grabbing the bag, and points her trowel at Hydroflax's head.)
RIVER: Nobody move, or the head gets it.
DOCTOR: Do you really have a shooty trowel?
RIVER: It's sonic.

"A sonic trowel? You really are married." Martha just laughed.

"I know it's ridiculous." The Doctor nodded, having got the wrong idea from Martha's comment.

"Not any worse than a sonic screwdriver, Martian." Donna snorted, making the Doctor pout while the rest of the group started laughing.

DOCTOR: Sonic trowel. You realise how ridiculous that sounds?

"More important things than that at the moment." Yaz pointed out, a bit more nervous about the danger the pair were finding themselves in. She was also still in some shock about the Doctor having a wife, she known since they'd introduced themselves but it was different to actually see it on screen, especially as the Doctor never mentioned her.

HYDROFLAX: Their threats are empty. Destroy them!
(Hydroflax's body speaks. Lights flash on its torso as it does.)
CYBORG: Negative. Seventy eight percent chance of significant tissue damage.
HYDROFLAX: Do as you're told!
CYBORG: Decision overruled. Recommendation, chill.

That caused a few chuckles from the room despite the tenser atmosphere with the danger increasing. It was a bit surreal to see a headless robotic body ignoring commands from a bodiless head and saying the word 'chill'.

DOCTOR: Look at that, your body's got a mind of its own.
RIVER: More like an onboard computer for the cybernetic component.
DOCTOR: Plus in-built flash drive and vernacular friendly interface.
RIVER: Cyber co-pilot.
DOCTOR: Mobile life support.

The room grinned at the duo working together in tandem without a thought. River and the Doctor shared a smile, happy to know they just seamlessly went back to working together.

RIVER: Sexy.
DOCTOR: It's not sexy.
RIVER: Absolutely sexy.
DOCTOR: Why is everything sexy now?

"Both of you are sexy."

"Jack!"

RIVER: Speaking of which.
(She uses her wrist comms.)
RIVER: Ramone, prep for emergency extraction. Two to go.
RAMONE [OC]: Standing by for teleport.

"So you do have a back up plan, good." Amy announced, smiling proudly at her daughter. She'd been a bit suprising to see River alone with no plan, it wasn't her normal way (unlike the Doctor).

RIVER: Put it in the bag.
DOCTOR: Sorry?
RIVER: The head. Put it in the bag.
HYDROFLAX: Do not put me in the bag.

RIVER: Quickly, do it. Ramone, twenty seconds to jump.
HYDROFLAX: I will not be placed into a bag!

"Yes you will." Bill laughed.

DOCTOR: Stop shouting a minute if you want to go face-up.
(The Doctor puts Hydroflax into the bag.)
HYDROFLAX: You will be crushed! You will be destroyed! You will beg my infinite mercy!
RIVER: Oh, zip it!
(The Doctor zips up the bag.)

"You made that pun on purpose." Nardole muttered. He'd been forgotten both on screen and in the room.

RIVER: Try to follow me and I'll put him in a blender. Ramone, now.
(The Doctor, River and the bag are teleported away.)
CYBORG: They will be tracked. They will be found.

The room relaxed again, happy to see the pair get away, at least for now.

[Mendorax Dellora]

(The Doctor and River's feet are two feet or so off the ground when they materialise, and fall.)
BOTH: Argh! Oh!
RIVER: Ramone! Just once, can you get the height right?

"The joys of teleports." Jack commiserated.

RAMONE [OC]: Sorry, Professor.
HYDROFLAX [in bag] : When I escape, I will bring terror to you and your family. There is no escape from the
RIVER: Home in on my signal. Get a shift on. Can you locate the Damsel?
RAMONE [OC]: I'm on it. The capsule is really close.
(The Doctor is lying in the snow, laughing.)

The room couldn't deny the warm feeling they got at seeing the Doctor genuinely laughing. Purely happy for what was likely the first time in a long while. He'd gone through so much in recent videos and the first bit of luck he got was meeting his wife again.

RIVER: Is something funny?
HYDROFLAX [in bag]: Who dares laugh at Hydroflax? You shall be crushed! You shall scream in fear! Let me out of this bag!
RIVER: This is a serious mission in a critical phase. There is nothing to laugh about here.
DOCTOR: We're being threatened by a bag! By a head in a bag!

The reality of the situation did make most of the room chuckle and laugh along with the Doctor, it was a surreal experience. But most of their adventures with the Doctor were a bit like that, full of sureal things thye could never really explain to anyone who hadn't travelled with the Doctor.

HYDROFLAX [in bag]: I shall make dust of you. My enemies are meat for the devouring!
DOCTOR: I can't approve of any of this, you know, but I haven't laughed in a long time.

The more joyful atmosphere in the room dipped again, all too aware of how true that statement was. They were just glad the Doctor was finally able to take a break and be with someone they loved.

RIVER: Well, good for you.
HYDROFLAX [in bag]: Prepare to die in agony and submit to my supremacy! Unzip this bag!
(River joins in with the Doctor's laughter.)

The room started laughing again; both because of the scene and the fact that River and the Doctor were laughing. Amy and Rory were unsure how to feel about the video so far - on one hand they were learning more about their daughter's life but on the other they weren't quite sure they wanted to know about all her dubious decisions (not that they would love her any less, thy just didn't wanted to hear details about their child's sex life).

DOCTOR: You know, don't you?
RIVER: Know what?
DOCTOR: Stop pretending. You know who I am.
RIVER: Who are you?
DOCTOR: You know who I am. It's, it's, it's me.
RIVER: Great. Who are you?

River let out a long exhale of breath, the Doctor had been trying so hard and yet she hadn't made any of the connections and realised who he was. She hated the reminder of that, the Doctor had already been through so much he hadn't needed to go through this too. Seemingly aware of her wife's thoughts, the Doctor turned to face River and muttered "Your wife." It took River a moment to understand what she meant - she was answering onscreen River's question.

"Yes you are." River muttered back, pulling her wife closer. It had two purposes - the person she loved was in her arms and safe, and the Doctor wouldn't be able to see River's expression very well and therefore have a difficult spotting the pain.

(A dark haired man with a short beard comes running up.)
RAMONE: Professor Song! Sorry, Professor. Sorry about the height thing.
RIVER: Prove it.

(River kisses Ramone long and hard.)
DOCTOR: Urgh! Doesn't it get dull after a while? As an activity, it's not hugely varied, is it?
RIVER: I'm so sorry. This is my husband, Ramone.

"How many times have you been married?!" Rory exclaimed, uncomfortable with the thought of how many times his daughter had married complete strangers (to him). Amy wasn't helping as she was too busy cackling away at the Doctor's expression.

"Really dad, it's fine." River sighed, fondness as clear in her tone as the childish annoyance at the repeated question. The rest of the room was watching the screen in a mix of pure bewilderment and amusement, all a bit unsure of how they were supposed to feel about the drama surrounding River and the Doctor - they really didn't know the pair's story enough to understand the weird dynamic they had.

DOCTOR: Another one? Are you going to kill him, too?
RAMONE: We're not actually married.
RIVER: Ah, we are, in fact. I wiped it from your memory.

"River!" Rory sighed, already getting far too used to his daughter's antics (and hating that). "You can't just wipe people's memories!"

River's word shit far too closed to home after the last video however, and the room tensed up. It seemed both wives in their marriage had a habit of wiping people's memories.

RAMONE: Why?
RIVER: Well, you were being annoying. So, the Damsel. Do we have a fix?
RAMONE: Found the capsule just over in the village, but I can't locate Damsel. I've looked everywhere.
DOCTOR: Who's Damsel?

The room was watching the exchange with slowly growing grins, most of them had a suspicion about who Ramone and River were referring too and the name was very entertaining.

"Is damsel -?" Martha grinned, not finishing her words instead waving vaguely in the Doctor's direction.

The Doctor's pout was all the answer the room needed but River confirmed with a wide grin anyway.

RIVER: Have you been thorough? It's not easy, you know. He does have twelve faces.
(Ramone takes out a wallet and a sheaf photographs drops down. The Doctor looks down them.)

"You have picture's of the Doctor in your wallet?" Mickey asked River.

"No, that's my spotters guide to the Doctor. Makes him easier to find." River answered with a grin as the rest of the room started snickering. River turned pointedly to the Doctor. "Or it did before she gained the ability to have more faces I don't know." River's teasing was met with an impressive pout from the Doctor whihc only entertained the room more.

RAMONE: None of these men are here. Are you sure it's one of these?
(The Doctor looks down the photographs from Hartnell to McCoy and smiles.)
RIVER: Yes! He only has these twelve faces. He'll be around here somewhere. This is the closest intersection with the Doctor's timeline.
(Then carries on down past McGann, Hurt, Eccleston, Tennant and Smith, and turns over the last one. No more photographs.)
RIVER: That's why I crashed Hydroflax's ship here.

"You purposely crashed the ship there because the Doctor would be there?" Rose asked, from what she had seen of River so far it didn't seem like the other woman needed the Doctor's help to get out of trouble really so the statement was a tad confusing.

"What better escape plan then time travel?" River answered with a knowing smile.

That made Rose and the rest of the group grin. "Ah, you needed the Tardis." Clara said.

River shrugged, fake nonchalance clear. "Well seeing the Doctor wouldn't be too bad if needed."

"Hey!"

DOCTOR: Damsel.
RAMONE: Codename, Damsel in Distress. Apparently, he needs a lot of rescuing.

That entertained the room greatly, they all burst out into snickers and laughs which only increased as the Doctor tried to protest that assessment of her character. Her protests fell on death ears as she was ignored by most of the room. River taking pity on the Doctor, pressed a gentle kiss on her forehead which made her go cross eyes to try and look where she'd been kissed. Which had the unfortunate effect of making the room laugh harder.

DOCTOR: What if he has a face that you don't know about yet?
RIVER: He has limits. Well, then, let's go find him.

That dampened the mood in the room - the realisation that no one knew if the Doctor actually did have limits, and if so what they were. The Doctor, keen to ignore the more depressing thoughts trying to claim a spot at the forefront of her mind instead decided to tease River. "I'm glad you're so impressed by my abilities."

"Sweetie, I've seen you try to fit as many Jamie Dodgers in your mouth as you could and then almost choke on them when you tried to speak. It takes a lot for you to impress me." River smiled back, as thankful for her wife's distraction as she was annoyed at the Doctor's inability to deal with her traumas.

"I'm sure I can think of some ways to impress you." The Doctor tried to flirt. It was an impressive try, if not lessened by the deep blush on her cheeks and slightly awkward wording.

"Please no flirting when we can hear you!" Amy shouted from across the room, bringing the rest of the room's watching eyes to the married couple's attention. Some how the Doctor managed to turn even reader while River only waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"Of course mother. We'll be quieter next time." River's comment earned a strangled sound from her father who looked like he would rather be anywhere else but hearing this.

[Saucer room]

(Hydroflax's cybernetic body is interrogating poor Nardole.)

"You forgot Nardole." Bill announced, turning to the Doctor. "Again."

"Actually this was technically the first time." The Doctor argued back, as was the joys of time travel.

"Not the point."

CYBORG: You are in league with the former Queen.
NARDOLE: She employed me! I didn't really know anything.
CYBORG: You have information.
NARDOLE: Oh, hardly anything, really. A tiny bit.
CYBORG: You will give this information to us.
NARDOLE: Oh, absolutely, Course I will.

"Nardole!" River protested half-heartedly. She couldn't really blame him and they had left him, but a bit more protests would have been appreciated.

CYBORG: We will take the information.
NARDOLE: Anything you like. I'll even write it down for you.
CYBORG: That will not be necessary. You will be uploaded. We apologise for the inconvenience.
NARDOLE: Uploaded? How?
CYBORG: Recommendation.
(A wicked curved blade pops out of its hand.)
CYBORG: Hold still.
NARDOLE: Ooooo!

The room turned to look at Nardole, confused on how he was with them whole after what they had just seen on screen. Bill, however, looked like a lightbulb had just lit up in her brain, she was the only one (outside the Master, River and the Doctor) who knew he was a cyborg himself. Things were suddenly making more sense.

[Outside the saucer]

(Nardole's head is now between the Cyborg's massive shoulders where Hydroflax's used to the cyborg stomps out of the saucer.)
NARDOLE: No, this is no good. I don't like this.

On one hand the group was glad that Nardole seemed mostly alright (despite being beheaded and mounted on the robotic body of Hydroflax), and on the other the sight of Nardole like that was entertaining.

CYBORG: Your cooperation is appreciated.
NARDOLE: I never agreed! No, this is unfair.

"I mean technically you did agree." Ryan pointed out.

CYBORG: Pursuit now commences.
NARDOLE: This is too tall! I'm afraid of heights.
CYBORG: Recommendation, close your eyes.
(Nardole whimpers as stumpy metal wings are spread and rockets ignite under the Cyborg's armpits. Very Buzz Lightyear. It zooms off into the sky.)
NARDOLE: Argh!

"Oh great, the angry robot body is chasing after you now." Rory muttered mostly to himself.

[Village]

(Ramone and River are walking together along the street, with the Doctor bringing up the rear carrying the zipped bag.)
RAMONE: What if we can't find him? We need to get you off-world now.
DOCTOR: Off-world. People never say that. (laughs) Are you new?

"Ooh, you're jealous." Jack sang, enjoying the drama far too much.

"I was not." The Doctor protested (despite knowing she absolutely had been and still was).

"Yes you were Sweetie." River shot down any of her protests before they even began.

RIVER: We can't hang around waiting. He could be ages.
DOCTOR: Yes, he's probably off rebuilding a civilisation or defeating giant robot fish

"Giant robot fish?" Donna gave him a 'really?' look that declared exactly how stupid she thought he/she sounded.

"Weirder has happened." The Doctor argued, thinking back mostly to the fog fish she'd met during her eleventh face. Amy and Rory seemed to have the same thought, though they had mostly been stuck on the crashing ship. No one could argue against the Doctor's words, it was very true - weirder had and did regularly happen.

(They arrive at the Tardis.)
RIVER: We'll just have to steal it.
DOCTOR: From the ninth dimension. Sorry, what?

The room burst out laughing at the Doctor's befuddlement at River's declaration. The dynamic between the pair seemed to swing between highly entertaining and depressing. They were just glad they were mostly seeing the entertaining side.

RAMONE: The hopper is really close. We would be out of here in less than ten minutes.
RIVER: I need time travel. I need this Tardis.

"You have a plan." Clara declared, sure of her words. River's smug grin was confirmation.

DOCTOR: I'm sorry. The word steal. Somebody said steal.
RIVER: Yes. We're going to steal this box. Hush, you wouldn't understand.

That set the room (which had just calmed down) off again, laughing at River brushing off the Doctor and the Doctor's face.

Martha who was one of the first to calm down, was giving the Doctor, River and the screen assessing looks. "You don't know that he knows what it is." She directed her words at River and despite it being a statement, River nodded anyway. "You're going to treat him like a confused an awestruck human. You're going to treat him like he does us when we first meet him." Martha declared. Her words had several other perk up, eager to see that. River and the Doctor shared a look but idn't offer an answer.

DOCTOR: You can't.
RIVER: Why can't I?
DOCTOR: You can't just steal a Ta. A box.

"Why not?" Rose asked. "You did." The Doctor's protests were halted before they started while River just laughed.

RIVER: Why not?
DOCTOR: Look, it says Police.
RIVER: I have a key.
(River produces a Yale type key and opens the Tardis door.)

"You can't argue with that Doctor." Jack announced teasingly, sharing a wide grin with River while the Doctor looked between the two suspiciously.

DOCTOR: Okay. This er Damsel person. He sounds, he sounds pretty dangerous. Ish.

The room just turned to look at the Doctor with 'really?' expressions (not at the words, more for the weak defence - the Doctor was dangerous, but someone who didn't know would not figure someone with the name 'damsel' was dangerous).

RIVER: It's a time machine. I can take it, do whatever I want for as long as I like and pop it back a second later. He'll never know it was gone.
DOCTOR: Yes, he will.
RIVER: How?
DOCTOR: He'll just know.
RIVER: Well, he's never noticed before.

That caused the room to start laughing again. the Doctor's expressions were comedy gold. River especially was appreciating them more this tie around, with the full context of who the Doctor was. At the time she'd been mostly annoyed by his arguing delaying them, but now it was just mostly funny (and a bit annoying that she had actually admitted several things to him).

DOCTOR: Maybe he'll notice now.
(River bursts out laughing.)
RIVER: I'll see you on Temple Beach. (kisses Ramone) I've already picked out your swimwear.
RAMONE: Okay, but be careful.

"When are either of you careful? I can't even tell which one is worse than the other!" Amy snorted. She was far too used to their antics of finding/making trouble.

"She is." The pair answered in sync, pointing at the other.

RIVER: Absolutely not. You, with me. Bring the head.
(River goes inside the Tardis.)
RAMONE: Please, look after her for me.
(Ramone starts to walk away, then stops. River pops her head out of the Tardis.)
RIVER: Oh, before you come in, you'd better prepare yourself for a shock. It's not as snug as it looks.
(She goes back inside.)
DOCTOR: Finally.
RAMONE: Finally?
DOCTOR: It's my go.

The room turned to face the Doctor who was now grinning wildly, a sparkle in her eyes that hadn't made an appearance for a while. River just snorted, remembering his little display.

"You enjoy people's reactions to the Tardis far too much." Clara rolled her eyes at the Doctor who's grin didn't waver at all.

[Tardis]

DOCTOR: Oh. My, God! Oh, it's bigger!
RIVER: Well, yes.
DOCTOR: On the inside,
RIVER: We need to concentrate.
DOCTOR: Than it is
RIVER: I know where you're going with this, but I need you to calm down.
DOCTOR: On the outside!
RIVER: You've certainly grasped the essentials.
DOCTOR: My entire understanding of physical space has been transformed! Three-dimensional Euclidean geometry has been torn up, thrown in the air and snogged to death! My grasp of the universal constants of physical reality has been changed forever.

The room was laughing at the Doctor's false astonishment and River's clear annoyance at the scene he was making. River rolled her eyes at her wife, she'd enjoyed that far too much.

"I hate you." She muttered but her tone was too fond for even a stranger to think she meant the words.

"No you don't."

(River has gone down the stairs.)
DOCTOR: Sorry. I've always wanted to see that done properly.
(River opens a roundel to reveal a drinks cabinet.)
RIVER: Would you like a drink? Aldebaran brandy. Help yourself, but don't tell Dad.
(Beeping.)

"That's probably not good." Mickey declared. Noises like that when you think everything was finished were usually never good.

RIVER: What's that noise?
(The Doctor checks Hydroflax's head in the bag. The eyes are shut.)
DOCTOR: It seems to have powered down, conserving batteries. It's an in-built life-support system. I'm not sure what powers it, but
RIVER: I really don't care. What's that noise?
DOCTOR: I don't know. A signal? Distress call?
RIVER: Homing beacon.

"That's how the body is going to find you." Yaz nodded. "You need to leave quickly."

DOCTOR: Possibly.
RIVER: So the rest of him is coming?
DOCTOR: He must be very cross. He's lost his head.
RIVER: Time we were off, then.
(River activates the time engines, which briefly judder then make sick noises.)

"Wait, you know how to fly the Tardis?" Rose asked, unable to keep a bit of jealousy out of her voice. She wasn't the only one, many of them looked a bit envious (even those that had helped 'fly' the Tardis during the whole planets in the sky mess).

"Yes, I was taught by the best." River answered with a sift smile of understanding.

"The Doctor?" Donna asked with disbelief clear on her face.

"The Tardis." That startled a few chuckles and snorts out of the group while the Doctor protested.

DOCTOR: You're doing it wrong.
RIVER: I am certainly not.
DOCTOR: Not those levers.
RIVER: Hush.
DOCTOR: You probably want to press that button.

The Master snorted. "You really have no clue how to actually fly a Tardis."

The Doctor just glared back, arms crossed with a humph. The rest of the group watched a bit confused while River just snorted.

RIVER: Why? That evacuates the waste tank on deck seven.
DOCTOR: Does it?
RIVER: What is wrong with you?
DOCTOR: Better avoid deck seven then.

That drew a few chuckles from the group.

RIVER: Something's interfering with the engines, which is technically not possible.
DOCTOR: Maybe.
RIVER: How would you know?
DOCTOR: Maybe the engines are interfering with themselves. Wild theory, but what if this machine had certain safeguards. For instance, maybe it can't take off when a life form registers as being both inside and outside at the same time?

"Oh, the body is outside." Bill realised. "Good safe guard for normal situations."

RIVER: Head and body.
DOCTOR: Which would mean, and again, I'm just, I'm just wildly theorising here, that's the door would not engage properly.
RIVER: Of course. It can't seal the real-time envelope.
DOCTOR: Hence it can't take off. Not when someone is in and out at the same time. I mean, that just wouldn't be good manners, would it?
RIVER: You're very quick.
DOCTOR: Yes. For a Doctor.
RIVER: Yes.
DOCTOR: Seriously?

"I'm sorry Sweetie." River mumbled to her wife. She really should have realised at that point - he'd known far too much and wasn't nearly as shocked a she should have been.

"Don't worry about it River. You were a bit busy." The Doctor mumbled back. They'd been in a high intensity situation with oncoming danger, it hadn't really been the time for an explanation to her identity.

[Village]

(Ramone is walking along the narrow Elizabethan themed street.)
NARDOLE [OC]: Hello? Hello, is that you?
RAMONE: Nardole, is that you?

"Oh no." Someone muttered, everyone' eyes were focused on the screen, all knowing what was about to occur.

NARDOLE [OC]: It's me, yes. Please, you've got to help me.
RAMONE: What's wrong? Where are you?
NARDOLE [OC]: In the alleyway. Can't you see me? Come a bit closer.
RAMONE: What are you doing there?
NARDOLE [OC]: Help me.
(Ramone switches on his torch and searches for Nardole.)
RAMONE: Are you injured?
NARDOLE: Well, er yes.
(His torch finally lights up the Cyborg, which is pointing a gun at Nardole's head on its shoulders.)

The room glanced between Nardole in the room and the scene on the screen, things were definitely heating up again.

NARDOLE: Sorry! So sorry. It made me!
RAMONE: Nardole, why are you pointing a gun at your own head?
NARDOLE: It's not my head! Well, it is my head, but it's not my gun.
RAMONE: What happened to you?
NARDOLE: Please, just do as it says.

[Tardis]

(The Doctor takes Hydroflax's head from the bag.)
DOCTOR: It's signalling. We have to assume the body is homing in on this.
RIVER: So, how do we stop it?
DOCTOR: Well, we could chop its head off. Oh, look.

Several people shook their heads at the Doctor's typical attempts for humour in dangerous situations.

RIVER: Does sarcasm help?
DOCTOR: Wouldn't it be a great universe if it did?

That got a few snorts and nods of agreement from around the room.

RIVER: So, summing up. It's coming, we can't take off, we can't seal the doors.
DOCTOR: Yep.
RIVER: So we just kill the head, right?

"River!" Rory made a strangled sound with his head in his hands.

DOCTOR: You can't shoot the head in the face!
RIVER: Why not?
(Hydroflax opens his eyes.)
HYDROFLAX: Argh!
(The Doctor drops him, face down.)

"Ooh, that's got to hurt." Jack winced.

DOCTOR: Go on, then, tell him to put his hands up.
HYDROFLAX: Do not fire if you value your lives.
DOCTOR: Why, what are you going to do?
HYDROFLAX: Kill me, and my body will burn.
DOCTOR: Burn what?
HYDROFLAX: This world!

"Good incentive to not kill the head." Rose sighed, that was just typical.

[Village]

CYBORG: Inquiry. Are you acquainted with the criminal River Song?
NARDOLE: That wasn't me, that was him!
CYBORG: Repeat, are you acquainted with the criminal River Song?
NARDOLE: Please, just answer it.
RAMONE: Yes.
CYBORG: You will take River Song a message.
RAMONE: What message?

"I don't think anyone is going to like his message." Mickey muttered.

[Tardis]

(The head is on the console, and grinning.)
RIVER: Suppose we believe you. How?
HYDROFLAX: My body contains a split quantum actualiser.
DOCTOR: A perpetually stabilised black hole. That's your power source.
RIVER: What sort of medical school did you go to?

"None." Martha shook her head.

DOCTOR: A really good one for doctors.
HYDROFLAX: More than a power source. If necessary, a bomb.
DOCTOR: So you could wipe out this solar system.

"Yeah that's bad. Don't kill the head."

"Thanks for that Bill."

HYDROFLAX: It wouldn't be the first.
RIVER: It would be your last.
HYDROFLAX: A fitting end for the glory of Hydroflax.
DOCTOR: So, why haven't you threatened this before?
HYDROFLAX: A king does not endanger his people for no reason.
DOCTOR: You're endangering them now.
HYDROFLAX: I'm cross.

"That is not a good reason." Clara raised an eyebrow at the screen.

(Banging on the Tardis door.)
RAMONE [OC]: Doctor Song, are you there? I have a message for you.
RIVER: Ramone! Get in here!
(The Cyborg kicks the doors open.)

"Oh no." Rory muttered as the danger increased by the second. He was glancing worriedly between the screen and his daughter, only calmed by the fact she was here safe.

RIVER: Ah!
(Ramone's head is on the Cyborg now.)
RAMONE: You're going to die!

"Definitely not a good message." Mickey mumbled.

(It stomps inside and grabs River, lifting her off the floor.)
HYDROFLAX: Kill her.
RAMONE: No!
DOCTOR: Put her down.
HYDROFLAX: Kill her now!
CYBORG: Death initiating.
RAMONE: I'm so sorry.
(The Doctor dodge past the Cyborg and closes the Tardis doors. The time engines start and the Tardis shakes a lot. The Cyborg drops River.)

The room let out a collective breath they didn't know they'd been holding. Glad to see Rive rout of immediate danger but still on edge with the mess taht was occuring on screen.

RAMONE: I'm sorry!
HYDROFLAX: Stop them! Stop them!
DOCTOR: Where are we going?
RIVER: Get the hell out!
HYDROFLAX: Stop them!
CYBORG: Death initiating.
DOCTOR: You set the coordinates. Where for?

"Stop arguing Doctor, just do as she says." Amy declared, worried for the pair of them.

RIVER: Just get the damn head!
HYDROFLAX: Kill them! Destroy them!
(River grabs the zip bag.)
HYDROFLAX: Kill them!
RIVER: Here.
(And throws it to the Doctor, who scoops Hydroflax into it and throws it back to River.)

The group watched the (almost) seamless teamwork (minus the arguing) in some awe. They kept getting glances of the depth of the pair's relationship an understanding and it said a lot about how well they could work together and trust each other.

RIVER: With me.
(She runs out of the Tardis, which has materialised in -)

[Baggage hold]

DOCTOR: Where are we?
RIVER: This way, come on.
DOCTOR: What about the box? Stop holding my hand, people don't do that to me.

"No you do that to people. Aww, you're her companion." Rose grinned, she remembered clearly (even without having watched that video recently) how the Doctor had grabbed her hand and ran during their first meeting. The mix of Rose's words and the screen caused a few snickers to break out in the group.

RIVER: Hush now.
DOCTOR: Don't hush me. I'm not a hushing person.

"No, normally you just tell people to shut up and call them stupid." Clara raised an eyebrow while the Doctor made a 'who me?' expression that fooled absolutely no one.

[Reception area]

(A marble floored place with aliens in dinner jackets and posh frocks. Two long staircases run up the outer hull to the upper decks. River turns and closes the doors behind them.)
COMPUTER: We are currently cruising at warp factor twelve. Traversing the fourth galaxy of our seven galaxy cruise. Next is the Andromeda galaxy. Supernova approaching now to starboard.
(The big display on one wall says Harmony & Redemption 07:08:32:17. You are here - Super Nova Gamma Eridani. An upright biped with blue scales and a pair of catfish-like barbels walks up to them.)

"Fancy. You're on an inter-galaxy cruise?" Jack asked, nodding his head in appreciation of the ship.

"Of a sort." River answered with a cryptic smile. Those that knew her well, narrowed their eyes at her aware she likely had a plan but they just couldn't work out quite what it was.

The Master was watching the screen itself with a thoughtful look, he'd thought he'd heard of that ship. His eyes widened slightly as he remembered why he had heard of the ship - oh, the Doctor wasn't going to like that.

FLEMMING: Ah, Doctor Song. Your table is ready.
RIVER: Flemming! How are the twins?
FLEMMING: Still digesting their mother, thank you for asking.

"Wait what!?" Bill exclaimed sitting up a bit straighter, she glanced at River and the Doctor as if asking them to confirm she had misheard.

The rest of the group looked just as startled (bar Jack who had run into aliens like that before and weirder). River and the Doctor simple shared a glance before waving at the screen in answer - they weren't going to spoil the upcoming events.

RIVER: I'm sure it was a lovely ceremony.
FLEMMING: Oh, there were tears. And just a hint of screaming.
(They both laugh.)

The room shifted uncomfortable at hearing that, all giving River some dubious looks. She definitely balance don the edge of morality sometimes and it was startling for them to see it so blatantly like that.

RIVER: Er, Flemming, I wonder, could you deadlock seal the baggage hold for me?
FLEMMING: It's a little irregular. The other passengers might want access.
RIVER: Do you remember that time I was transporting dragon eggs?
FLEMMING: Consider it done.

"Do I want to know?" The Doctor asked, raising an eyebrow at her wife's mention of dragon eggs. The humans in the group (aka most of the group) were blinking at the casual mention of dragons - it wouldn't be the weirdest thing they'd seen or heard of but still - dragons.

"No."

(The light by the door lock turns from green to red. Clunk.)
FLEMMING: Is the gentleman here for dinner?
DOCTOR: Yes, he is.
FLEMMING: Excellent! I'll have the chef prepare him immediately.
DOCTOR: No, you won't.

That startled a few laughs out of the group, the Doctor's completely calm attitude. They were all still a bit unsettled by the casual mention of eating people though - what kind of ship were the pair on?

RIVER: Er, he will in fact be joining me to eat.
FLEMMING: I was about to suggest that force-feeding might be required. This way. Oh, may I take your bag?
RIVER: Oh, no, no, no, no. That's fine, thanks.
(Muffled annoyed shouting from the bag.)
DOCTOR: Sorry. It was my stomach. I have an irritable bowel.

"Really that's the excuse you come up with?" Martha asked, shaking her head in (fond) disbelief and exasperation.

"What was I supposed to say? 'Sorry excuse the talking head in the bag'?" The Doctor protested, she would never admit she had panicked slightly and came up with the first thing she could think of.

"I'm not sure he would have been perturbed by that with the way he's mentioning eating people." Martha argued back.

"Touché."

HYDROFLAX [in bag]: My revenge will be merciless! I will rip you open and devour you!
DOCTOR: It's having a day.
HYDROFLAX [in bag]: You cannot escape!
FLEMMING: This way.
HYDROFLAX [in bag]: Your actions will not go unpunished!
RIVER: Here.
(She throws the bag to the Doctor.)
HYDROFLAX [in bag]: Ow!
RIVER: I don't suppose you mind if I freshen up.
(She squirts a spray at her head, and golden energy pins up her hair, then transforms her clothes into amnevening dress with a golden sequinned bodice.)

The group watched on slightly envious of the perfume and ease that River just changed. "Where did you get that?" Amy asked her daughter curiously.

"That would be telling mother." River smirked. Amy just rolled her eyes at the typical River answer.

RIVER: Not bad for two hundred, eh?

"You're two hundred?" Yaz blinked shocked, her expression was shared by several people across the group.

"Half Time Lord. Very long story, which we may actually see parts of." River shrugged nonchalant, it wasn't like she was the oldest in the room (that honour went to the Doctor and the Master, followed by Jack). Plus, she was a bit self-conscious about it all, or rather her history with the Doctor - it would be interesting to see some things again but there were so many things she didn't want to see or let anyone else see.

Several people looked like they wanted to ask more questions (they knew so little about River) but the Doctor, River, Amy and Rory's matching pained expressions halted their words. River was right, if it was important they would likely see it anyway.

DOCTOR: Two hundred?
RIVER: I have an augmented lifespan. Long story.

"That's an understatement." River muttered to herself. The Doctor squeezed her hand in comfort which earned her a small smile from her wife.

[Dining room]

DOCTOR: So, what's the occasion?
RIVER: I've got the diamond. Now it's time to sell it.

"Sell it? I thought you said you were hired to return it?" Rose said accusingly. River just sighed and waved to the screen, there was no point trying to explain herself.

DOCTOR: I thought you were returning it to the Halassi?
RIVER: Tell me, were you born boring, or did you have to work at it?

"Both." The Master drawled from his corner, and was promptly ignored by the room bar a sharp look from the Doctor.

DOCTOR: Where did you find a buyer?
RIVER: Look around you. The starship Harmony And Redemption, minimum ticket price one billion credits, plus the provable murder of multiple innocent life forms. Suites are reserved for planet-burners.

"What's your plan?" Amy asked with a raised eyebrow at her daughter.

"You'll see mother." River smiled smugly while the Doctor rolled her eyes.

(She takes a drink from a passing waiter.)
RIVER: Thank you. Even the staff are required to have a verifiable history of indiscriminate slaughter. This is where genocide comes to kick back and relax. Do try the fish.

The room shifted uncomfortable with how relaxed and familiar River seemed on such a ship.

[Reception area]

(Meanwhile, something is hammering at the baggage room door. An alien of the same species as Flemming runs up.)
CONCIERGE: Mister Flemming, there's an issue.

"That's not going to be good is it?" Graham sighed. River and the Doctor shook their heads in confirmation.

[Dining room]

(River is reading something.)
RIVER: Why are you frowning?
DOCTOR: How did you know?
RIVER: It's audible.

"She's right." Clara grinned. Bill and Nardole nodded along as they were the only ones that really interacted with Eyebrows. The Doctor just pouted as her friends teamed up against her.

DOCTOR: Deadlock seals can be broken.
RIVER: -By geniuses. Hydroflax has a brain the size of a pea and it's currently under the table.

The group watched the screen a bit more nervous, they had a sneaking suspicion about the Concierge and Flemming and the baggage hold.

(She kicks the bag.)
RIVER: He's gone back to sleep, I think.
DOCTOR: You married him, though.
RIVER: I told you, I married the diamond.
DOCTOR: How?
RIVER: I posed as his nurse. Took me a week.

"A week?" Martha shook her head, reluctantly a bit impressed. River shrugged with a smile, it hadn't exactly been hard.

DOCTOR: To fall in love?
(We now see River is holding her Tardis-styled Diary, first seen in Silence in the Library.)

RIVER: It's the easiest lie you can tell a man. They'll automatically believe any story they're the hero of.

The men in the room shifted uncomfortable while the woman smirked. Although the group was a bit uncomfortable with River's attitude.

DOCTOR: River, there's er, there's something I should probably tell you.
WAITRESS: (a humanoid) Doctor Song, your guest has docked. He should be with you in a very few minutes.
RIVER: Thank you. Whenever he's ready.
WAITRESS: Of course.
DOCTOR: What's the book?
RIVER: Oh, it's my diary. (channelling Oscar Wilde) One should always have something sensational to read on a spaceship.
DOCTOR: Is it sad?
RIVER: Why would a diary be sad?
DOCTOR: I don't know. It's just that you look sad.
RIVER: It's nearly full.
DOCTOR: So?
RIVER: The man who gave me this was the sort of man who'd know exactly how long a diary you were going to need.

"Doctor ..." Amy started but trailed off unsure how to articulate her worry. She and Rory exchanged a concerned look, they'd never known the fate of their daughter and this was starting to worry them. The Doctor just gave her a sad look full of understanding but no actual answers - they'd see.

Amy's words seemed to cause a realisation for a few others. "You gave her the diary?" Yaz puzzled out, looking at the Doctor who nodded, expression carefully blank.

DOCTOR: He sounds awful.
RIVER: I suppose he is. I've never really thought about it.
(She puts the diary back in her clutch purse.)
DOCTOR: Not somebody special then?
RIVER: No. But terribly useful every now and then.

The room shifted uncomfortable with the exchange but knowing how personal it seemed - said nothing. The Doctor shifted a bit out of River's hold, more to get a better look at her face then to create some space.

"Doctor." River started softly, expression earnest. "I was lying. Please tell me you know that."

"You weren't completely wrong." The Doctor started but River's stare made her halt and sigh before continuing. "I know you were lying. You were scared and I was a virtual stranger. We've discussed this during our time on Darillium, please can we just watch for now."

"For now Sweetie." River reluctantly agreed.

[Security office]

RAMONE [on screen]: Please! I just need you to get me out of here.
CONCIERGE: He's in the main hold, sir, but you've deadlocked it.
FLEMMING: If you don't mind be observing, sir, you do seem a little nervous. Is someone threatening you?
RAMONE [on screen]: I'm the only one here.

"He's not technically lying, clever." Jack mused but he was more nervous now then he had been at the start of the video. Things had taken a turn to be more tense and emotional.

CONCIERGE: Confirmed, sir. There's only one reading in the hold.
FLEMMING: I'm on my way.
CONCIERGE: Be careful, sir.
FLEMMING: Don't worry, I'll just stick my head round the door.

"That's all he needs." Mickey muttered with a concerned look.

[Dining room]

DOCTOR: So, who is this buyer?
RIVER: No idea, he just responded to the advert.
(A shadow falls across their table. It is a bald man with a diagonal scar running around his face from the back of his skull, round across the right temple to below his left cheek bone. His voice is very hoarse.)

"He's creepy." Bill grimaced, gaining a few nods of agreement. The Doctor grimaced, they had no idea.

SCRATCH: Which of you is Song?
DOCTOR: Who wants to know?
SCRATCH: I am Scratch.
RIVER: Don't need your name. Are you empowered to purchase?
SCRATCH: I represent the Shoal of the Winter Harmony.

"Oh, wasn't that the brain things in New York?" Nardole realised with his own grimace. The Doctor nodded while the rest of the room watched the exchange confused - the words meant nothing to them.

RIVER: Don't care. Don't want to know. I'll need immediate payment. Can you do that?
DOCTOR: And could you either sit down or fetch us the wine list or something?
(Scratch sits.)
SCRATCH: You have the diamond?
RIVER: Of course I have the diamond. Show me the money.
(Scratch runs his finger along his scar and something unlocks. Then he pulls his head open with squelching sounds.)

"Ugh. That's gross." Rose made a disgusted face that was echoed across the group.

"That would put me off my food." Martha agreed.

DOCTOR: Just a thought, you probably shouldn't do that in a restaurant.
(Scratch removes a metal globe from the grey contents of his skull, and places it in the napkin River holds out, thin strands of gunk still attached to it. He closes up his head again.)

"Wise idea with the napkin, I would not want to touch that." Donna declared.

SCRATCH: Once instructed, this will transfer the necessary funds to whatever account you choose.
RIVER: Thank you.
SCRATCH: The diamond.
(River puts the bag on the table.)
RIVER: You're going to have to dig for it a bit, but somehow I don't think that's going to be a problem for you.

"You're giving him the head?" Ryan asked.

River and the Doctor exchanged a look which only concerned the room more. "That was the plan." River eventually answered

"That is not reassuring." Rory sighed.

(Scratch stands.)
SCRATCH: Is this a deception?
RIVER: No. The diamond is in there. This is a public place, there won't be any tricks.
SCRATCH: This is not a public place.
(The other diners turn. They are the same species as Scratch.)

"That's really not good. You're outnumbered." Clara analysed the screen with concern, things were not looking good.

DOCTOR: Block booking. That's clever.
RIVER: You needn't have bothered. I've brought what you want. Please do assume that I have also taken precautions, and don't do anything that might make me cross and kill you.
SCRATCH: Statement accepted. The diamond is here?
(The other diners all hiss.)
RIVER: The payment, then.
(River hands the globe to Scratch, who opens it and taps various illuminated buttons.)
SCRATCH: One hundred billion credits, as we agreed.

Jack whistled in appreciation. "That's a lot of credits."

(He hands the globe back to River, who also taps buttons.)
SCRATCH: This accesses all the banks in the galaxy.
RIVER: Thank you. Here you go, then. You may need to use a spoon or knitting needle or something.

"I think you should stop talking River." Amy glanced at her daughter concerned. She had an odd feeling things were about to go drastically wrong again (it tended to be the case when the Doctor and River were together).

The Doctor and River shared a silent conversation, both frowning, which was not helping ease her worries in anyway.

SCRATCH: Be it known, we do not do this for ourselves.
RIVER: I really don't care.
SCRATCH: We do it in honour of our distant and loving King, who once visited our world in blood and joy.

"Please don't tell me what I think it about to happen is about to happen." Martha groaned. The Doctor and River's grimaces were all the answers the room needed.

RIVER: Well, isn't that lovely?
(She starts to unzip the bag.)
SCRATCH: We honour thee, we prostrate ourselves in your name, Hydroflax.
ALL: Hydroflax!
SCRATCH: For love of thee, we do this thing today. Hydroflax.
(The other diners stand and chant.)
DINERS: Hydroflax! Hydroflax! Hydroflax! Hydroflax!
(River zips up the bag again.)

"Smart move River." Jack snorted at seeing River zip up the bag. This was just typical when adventuring with the Doctor. Murphy's law seemed to take full affect around him - whatever could go wrong would. The room was all watching as the tension increased again, there was now two dangers and the group wa sgretaly outnumbered with no visible escape route.

SCRATCH: Give it. Give us the treasure.
DINERS: Hydroflax! Hydroflax! Hydroflax!
SCRATCH: What is wrong?
DOCTOR: Er, well, er. Awkward.

The group snorted at the Doctor's humour. "That's a bit of an understatement, Doctor." Rose said.

[Baggage area]

FLEMMING: I beg of you, not my head!
CYBORG: Information is required. You know of River Song, wife of Hydroflax?
FLEMMING: I do. I know River Song of old. And if you spare me, I'll tell you who she's really married to.
CYBORG: Explain.
FLEMMING: You need a head. I can get you a head fit for a king.

"Really?! You're luck is terrible." Amy announced looking between the married couple in concern.

"How does he know who you are married too?" Bill asked River confused. She really didn't seem the type to give out information like that, especially to people like Flemming.

River frowned, glancing at her parents and the Doctor who were all aware of the reason Flemming knew. "It's a long story and unfortunately a lot of people knew for a while. But the Doctor keeps deleting herself from any sort of database for reasons adjacent to that." Her answer was vague but seemed to satisfy the group for now - they were used to not getting actual answers for ages.

[Dining room]

SCRATCH: Why do you delay? We have paid, we will receive.
(The Doctor stands and takes the bag.)
DOCTOR: Yes, you will. Of, by jingo, you will, yes, of course. But obviously, we have to, you know, er, check some
RIVER: Things.
DOCTOR: Things. There are things that have to be checked before I get it to you. If we don't check the thing, then the, the
SCRATCH: We will receive!
DOCTOR: Yes, you will receive, and here it is. Now, on its way, over this small distance.
SCRATCH: We will receive!

The group watched the exchange with growing tension. There was no way to escape this - either they refused to hand the bag over or they let them find the head, neither was going to go down well. They couldn't deny the exchange was at least a bit entertaining - the way the pair were stuttering to try and find an excuse.

(The Doctor gives Scratch the bag.)
DOCTOR: Here you go. And you can have the bag as well.
RIVER: You know, it's been lovely, but er, we don't want to intrude on this special moment, so why don't we just leave you with the new baby?

"Get out of there quickly, please." Rory muttered, glancing nervously between the pair in the room and the screen.

SCRATCH: You will remain.
RIVER: Is that strictly necessary?
SCRATCH: I do not like surprises.
DOCTOR: Well, it's going to be a funny old day. Oh, boy.
(Scratch starts to unzip the bag.)

"I can't watch this." Clara muttered.

DOCTOR: You know what? I just can't stand idly by and let this continue.
(He snatches back the bag and stands on a chair.)

"What are you doing?" Yaz asked the Doctor with raised eyebrows. She was used to the Doctor's crazy plans but this seemed especially dramatic.

"You'll see." The Doctor grinned.

DOCTOR: Death has been done this day! Noble blood has been spilled, and our tears will surely follow. The sky shall crack, the ground shall heave, and even the rocks and the stones shall weep their rage. Behold! The head of Hydroflax!
(He gets down, takes the head out of the bag and shows it to the diners, who hiss.)
DOCTOR: Rest now, sweet prince. Walk amongst us nevermore. Shall we start the bidding at two hundred billion? I'm sorry, Professor Song, but we really couldn't keep this treasure from the truly devout.
RIVER: Oh, my apologies to the truly devout.
DOCTOR: And shall we find out who is the most truly devout?

The room was grinning at the Doctor's crazy idea - it was a very 'Doctor' scheme and their craziest ideas tended to work for some strange reason.

SCRATCH: This is heresy!
RIVER: Two hundred over there.
(Pointing at a bewildered man at the back.)
DOCTOR: Two hundred fifty million by the sweet trolley.
(A woman chosen at random.)
SCRATCH: Silence! This is not our way.
DOCTOR: Well, it doesn't say much for your king if you can't put a price on his head. Let us see what the king himself has to say.
(The Doctor jabs a knife into the head's left ear. Hydroflax wakes up and screams. The diners all prostrate themselves)

"Run!" Rose declared. They had earned themselves some time and now they needed to use it to put some distance between themselves and Scratch.

RIVER: Quick!
(She grabs the Doctor's hand and they head for the door. Flemming blocks their exit.)
FLEMMING: Professor Song! Has the food disappointed you?
(Then the Cyborg stomps in, and the diners scream and flee. River pulls the Doctor out of the way, but they are grabbed by security men wearing black berets.)

"Great, because things couldn't get much worse." Bill muttered. They were all watching with concern, just when they thought the Doctor and River might have a chance at escape things got worse.

HYDROFLAX: At last, I am whole again. Come to me, my body.
(The Cyborg stomps forward then stops and scans Hydroflax's head.)
HYDROFLAX: Well? Put me back.
CYBORG: Scan in progress.
HYDROFLAX: You don't need to scan me, just put me back.
CYBORG: Tissue deterioration now irreversible.
HYDROFLAX: Well, what are you going to do about that?
CYBORG: Additional, the projectile inside your brain continues to move. Prognosis, death in seven minutes.
HYDROFLAX: Well, I refuse. King Hydroflax does not accept death.
CYBORG: Orders requested.
HYDROFLAX: Whatever I need to survive, do it. Now.
CYBORG: Orders accepted. You need a new head.
HYDROFLAX: No! No. Not a new head!
CYBORG: Orders implementing.
HYDROFLAX: No. No!
(The body blasts the head into dry dark grey dust, revealing the diamond.)

The room watched almost blankly as Hydroflax was killed, he hadn't exactly been an innocent or nice person so they couldn't really regret his death. They were more concerned with the danger River and the Doctor were in and the suggestions of whose head the cyborg was now after.

RIVER: (to security man) I don't suppose you could fetch that over for me, could you?
FLEMMING: As I was saying, your Majesty. Well, your remaining Majesty.
(Flemming snatches River's diary.)

"Oh you don't touch someone's diary." Donna declared.

FLEMMING: If it's a new head you're after, this is the guide to the very best.
RIVER: Don't touch that. Give that back to me.
FLEMMING: The diary of River Song. The ultimate guide to the Time Lord known as the Doctor.

"How do you manage to get yourselves into these situations?" Jack asked the Doctor incredulous.

"In this case I blame River." The Doctor teased.

"At least half this situation is your fault." River argued back.

"It was more than half your fault."

"I got us out of it."

"It was a team effort."

"Oh so the escaping was a team thing but getting into the danger was my fault."

"Exactly."

RIVER: Don't you dare touch that!
FLEMMING: Long live the King.
(A short time later, as the spaceship flies through some interstellar debris, Flemming is walking around whilst reading the diary.)
FLEMMING: The Pandorica Opens. Ooh, that sounds exciting. And goodness me, a picnic at Asgard. Some people really know how to snack, don't they?

Amy and Rory shared a glance with the Doctor and River at the mention of the Pandorica. The pair of them were getting increasingly concerned with where the video was going, although they had relaxed a bit upon seeing Flemming with River's diary - there was no way River wasn't going to get revenge on him for that, she didn't let anyone near her diary.

RIVER: You should know I have a significant history of escaping.
FLEMMING: The Crash of the Byzantium. Didn't they make a movie of that?

"Did they?" Amy asked. "Was it a horror movie?" Neither River or the Doctor answered her, too focussed on the screen and what they knew was about to occur. Amy's words was not reassuring anyone about her time travelling with the Doctor.

RIVER: And when I do, I'm going to kill you.
FLEMMING: Oh, Jim the Fish! (laughs) Well, we all know Jim the Fish.

"Who is Jim the Fish?" Graham asked. No one answered him, most of the room was equally confused.

RIVER: And the longer you spend reading my diary, the longer I'm going to take.
FLEMMING: And you've just been to Manhattan. What planet is that?

Amy and Rory flinched at the mention of Manhattan, it definitely put River's attitude in perspective for them. "Oh River." Amy said softly, giving her daughter a sad but understanding look. It seems neither the Doctor nor River were in the best headspace - at least they had each other. The Doctor squeezed River's hand, she hadn't missed that comment the first time around but it hadn't been the time or situation to say anything about it.

RIVER: So do, please, keep going.
CYBORG: This is irrelevant.
SCRATCH: If I may intrude, your Majesty. The Doctor is a legendary being of remarkable power and an infinite number of faces. His head, I assure you, would be your crowning achievement.

"How would that even work? Like would you head regenerate?" Bill asked, head tilted to the side in puppy like curiosity.

"You know what? I have no clue." The Doctor answered, face scrunched in thought.

"And lets hope you never have to find out." River sighed at her wife's antics.

(Flemming taps on the Cyborg's armour to get its attention back.)
FLEMMING: Besides which, many of us on this ship would be happy to see his career cut off, as it were, at the neck.

"Always nice to know you have enemies. Means you're doing something right." the Doctor said, voice full of false cheer.

"Or something very wrong." The Master countered with a smirk. The Doctor just glared at him before turning to focus on the screen, she had more important things to worry about than him at the moment.

CYBORG: Proceed faster, or your head will be taken!
SCRATCH: I would give my head with gladness.
FLEMMING: This woman is the known consort of the Doctor.
CYBORG: Confirmation required. Uploading.
(Nardole's head rises out of the Cyborg's body, shaking and blinking in the light.)
NARDOLE: Ooo. Oh!
CYBORG: Is River Song the consort of the Time Lord known as the Doctor?
NARDOLE: Huh? I think so, yeah. Here, can I stay up for a bit? It's really very whiffy down there.
(Nardole's head is lowered.)
NARDOLE [OC]: Oh! Oh, it's awful!

The room turned to look at Nardole in silence. The cyborg shifted in his seat uncomfortable after a minute at the silent eyes on him.

FLEMMING: So, where is the Doctor now?

"Right next to you." Clara declared, she was starting to see how this situation was about to go downhill again.

RIVER: I haven't the faintest idea.
FLEMMING: Is that credible?
RIVER: It's true.
FLEMMING: You're the woman he loves.
RIVER: No, I'm not.
FLEMMING: She's lying.
RIVER: The Doctor does not and has never loved me. I'm not lying.

"River." The Doctor mumbled, shifting closer to her wife again, moving her hand up to give it a kiss. "Of course I love you."

"I know Sweetie, we talked about this on Darillium." River answered. "But thank you for saying it."

"He better!" Amy announced, more than vaguely threateningly from half way across the room. She was really not liking the direction this video was suddenly taking. the rest of the group was watching the screen with no little amount of confusion - they could se how clearly the Doctor loved River but the Doctor wasn't always good at expressing their emotions, they all knew that well.

(The Cyborg scans River.)
CYBORG: Confirmed. The life form is not lying.
FLEMMING: Impossible. This is a trick.
RIVER: No, it isn't.
FLEMMING: My information is correct. You are the woman who loves the Doctor.
RIVER: Yes, I am. I've never denied it. But whoever said he loved me back? He's the Doctor. He doesn't go around falling in love with people. And if you think he's anything that small or that ordinary, then you haven't the first idea of what you're dealing with.

The room shifted a bit uncomfortable with watching what seemed like a very personal and emotional declaration. No one voiced it but several of them disagreed with River's words. The Doctor's problem was the complete opposite, they loved too much and too fiercely and it always meant they were left alone eventually. The Doctor was giving River such a sad look through her little speech, finding it all the harder to watch it the second time with no imminent danger, but she made no comment. She had spent twenty-four years on Darillium happy and they'd had a long time to discuss their feelings and insecurities.

FLEMMING: Your Majesty, I assure you, she is the perfect bait. When this woman is in danger, the Doctor will always come.
RIVER: Oh, you are a moron. No, he won't.

"Yes I will." The Doctor mumbled into River's shoulder, leaning closer so she was practically tucked into River's side.

"I know Sweetie. And I will always come when you need me." River answered back, putting an arm around the Doctor to keep her close.

FLEMMING: He's probably already here.
RIVER: No, he isn't. Of course he isn't!
FLEMMING: Possibly on this ship.
RIVER: Well, go on, scan it then. Go on, why don't you?
DOCTOR: River
RIVER: Two hearts, stupid clothes, you can't miss him.

"What's wrong with my clothes?" The Doctor muttered to River but she was ignored by everyone. they were all to focused by the drama unfolding on the screen. It seemed this was how River was going to find out about the Doctor's identity.

DOCTOR: River.
RIVER: Go on, scan the whole parsec! He's not here. God knows where he is right now, but I promise you, he's doing whatever the hell he wants and not giving a damn about me! And I'm just fine with that.
DOCTOR: River
RIVER: When you love the Doctor, it's like loving the stars themselves. You don't expect a sunset to admire you back. And if I happen to find myself in danger, let me tell you, the Doctor is not stupid enough, or sentimental enough, and he is certainly not in love enough to find himself standing in it with me!

The room couldn't take their eyes off the screen despite how personal it felt to the pair. Amy and Rory wanted to make a comment about their daughter's insecurities but they also didn't want to overstep or embarrass her so they made a silent decision to talk to her next break. A few people in the group couldn't help but agree with River's sentiment, they always seemed to find themselves falling in love with the Doctor and she never did the same for them, or at least not in the way they wanted.

The Master was scowling in his corner unnoticed by the entire room. He hated this video. Hated seeing how sickeningly in love his Doctor was with the hybrid. He was the only one close enough to understand who the Doctor was, the only one that was close to being on the Doctor's level yet the Doctor always left them and abandoned them.

(She meets the Doctor's eyes. He smiles and the penny finally drops for her. Long pause.)
DOCTOR: (sotto) Hello, sweetie.
RIVER: You are so doing those roots.

"That's your first comment!" Amy exclaimed. She was glad to see River finally realise who was with her, hopefully it would help her insecurities, but she was unbelievably exasperated with their antics. "You two are unbelievable." River and the Doctor looked far too proud of that fact.

DOCTOR: What, the roots of the sunset?
RIVER: Don't you dare.
DOCTOR: I'll have to check with the stars themselves.

The room watched the screen with a lighter atmosphere, of course the first thing the pair did was tease each other. Now that they were on the same page the group felt more confident about their escape.

RIVER: Oh, shut up. I was just keeping them talking till it kicks off.
CYBORG: What is this conversation? Explain.
RIVER: You keep out of this.
DOCTOR: We need to get to work.
RIVER: Okay, what have you got?
DOCTOR: Four exits. Two concealed, one in the ceiling.

"That's only three." Yaz pointed out. It was good to see the pair back in planning mode, so calm and confident with their ability to escape - it was reassuring.

The Doctor just grinned and waved at the screen while River rolled her eyes.

RIVER: There's also one in the floor.
DOCTOR: No, I don't like it.
RIVER: Too close to the engine ducts?
DOCTOR: A bit too tight.
RIVER: Oh, I hope you're not being personal.

Yaz nodded her understanding, not even bothering to hide the wide smile on her face at the interaction between the pair. She could admit she was slightly in awe of River despite her dubious morality - she was a spectacular person who seemed almost constantly in control (the Doctor being a rogue factor that would knock anyone off their groove).

FLEMMING: Excuse me, what are you talking about?
RIVER: Hush, Mummy and Daddy are busy.
(A clock chimes the hour.)
RIVER: There we are. Two o'clock. Here we go.

"Your plan?" Amy asked.

River smiled. "My plan."

CYBORG: Cease this conversation.
RIVER: Darling, in the event of a sudden meteor strike on the lower starboard decks, where would you say is the safest place to stand?
FLEMMING: Meteor strikes?
DOCTOR: Exactly here, I should think.
RIVER: Do you know what that isn't? A coincidence.
(Rumble.)

"How did you know about it?" Graham blinked. The Doctor and River raised an eyebrow at him, waiting for him to connect the dots. "Right time travel." Graham nodded, feeling a bit embarrassed for having forgot. Ryan and Yaz both gave him teasing grins.

DOCTOR: Your escape plan.
RIVER: It's cheaper than a taxi.
SCRATCH: What meteor strike?
COMPUTER: Alert. Meteor storm imminent.

RIVER: That meteor strike.

"You're so smug." The Doctor echoed River's words from earlier.

"I'm allowed to be, darling." the Doctor smiled but didn't deny River's claim, she definitely was allowed.

FLEMMING: How could you know?
RIVER: I'm an archaeologist from the future. I dug you up.
(Boom! Shudder.)
RIVER: See you in four hundred years.

"So badass." Bill whispered to herself with a grin.

"Thank you." River answered which caused Bill to jump, she hadn't thought anyone had actually heard her. She stared at the screen, hoping desperately she wasn't blushing but knowing she likely was.

(The floor gives way below the Doctor and River, and they drop into)

[Reception area]

RIVER: I had this book. History's Finest Exploding Restaurants. The best food for free. Skip the coffee.

"You think I can borrow it?" Jack asked, entirely serious. River winked while the Doctor watched concerned - she was seriously regretting the fact that they had met.

DOCTOR: What do you think, by the way?
RIVER: Of what?
DOCTOR: My new body.
RIVER: Oh, I'll let you know. I've only seen the face. How have you got a new one, by the way? Aren't there rules?
DOCTOR: A thing happened.
RIVER: I bet it probably did.

"A thing always happens with you." Martha shook her head while the Doctor just shrugged, it was true.

COMPUTER: Starboard decks compromised. Please abandon ship.
(Another boom sends the diamond tumbling down, and River catches it in her bodice.)
DOCTOR: The diamond?
RIVER: Good, aren't I?
DOCTOR: I'm not sure good's the word.
RIVER: Better not be.

"Could you two stop flirting and actually escape?" Amy raised an eyebrow at the pair, while Rory just groaned next to her.

"Sorry mother." River answered completely unapologetic which only made Rory groan more.

DOCTOR: We need to get this ship stabilised. Where's the bridge?
RIVER: This way.
COMPUTER: Please abandon ship. Please abandon ship.
(The Cyborg drops down as well.)

The room had mostly forgotten the cyborg with all the drama that had occurred between River and the Doctor. They were slightly concerned but mostly comforted by the fact the pair in the room seemed completely unfazed by its appearance.

DOCTOR: We also need to stop that.
RIVER: Toss for it.
DOCTOR: I'll take the robot, you drive.

"Sensible choice. River is the better pilot." Clara nodded.

"How do you know that?" The Doctor protested, going through her memory to find a time where River had driven/piloted with Clara.

"Almost anyone would be better than you." Clara raised an eyebrow.

"She's got you there Sweetie."

RIVER: Okay.
DOCTOR: Oh, don't stop for strangers.
RIVER: Look who's talking.

"You are both terrible." Rory declared, head in hands.

"Oh poor baby." Amy teased her husband.

"I take it back. All three of you are terrible."

(River leaves.)
DOCTOR: What's the point? It's over.
CYBORG: I will take your head.
DOCTOR: What for? We're on a crashing spaceship and I don't even know if I can save it. You just shot your own king in your own face. You'd get beheaded if you had one.
CYBORG: I will take yours. King Hydroflax will live again.
(The ship shakes, people scream. The money globe falls. The Doctor jumps and catches it.)
DOCTOR: Do you know what you need? Do you know what any decent headless king needs? Money. This connects every bank to every other bank in this galaxy. Right here in my hand, all the money you can eat.
CYBORG: Demonstrate.
DOCTOR: With pleasure.
(The Cyborg leans forward and the Doctor places the globe on its neck connector. Sparks fly from it.)
DOCTOR: Welcome to all the best firewalls in the galaxy. Nothing is protected like money. Every stock market within a light year is arguing in your head.
CYBORG: I do not understand.

The room grinned at seeing the cyborg so easily defeated finally - things were finally going the Doctor and River's way (despite the whole crashing spaceship thing). Of course the Doctor defeated it with one of their unusual and crazy unplanned plans.

DOCTOR: Ha ha! That's the way it is for most people.
CYBORG: Do not understand. Do not understand.
(The Doctor picks up River's diary which he sees lying on the floor, and comments to the Concierge.)

"Thank you for saving my diary." River whispered to the Doctor.

"Anytime."

DOCTOR: He had a bad day on the market.
CYBORG: Do not understand. Do not understand.
DOCTOR: Sorry, I appreciate that wasn't very funny, but I couldn't help saying it.

That drew snorts out of the group. "I'm glad you finally admit you aren't funny old man." Clara grinned while the Doctor just smiled back, unable to be annoyed by the comment when she had just admitted it herself (and happy to see Clara in a better mood).

(He runs up the stairs.)
CYBORG: (distorted) Do not understand. Do not under

[Bridge]

(River is using her sonic trowel on the ship's systems when the Doctor runs in.)
COMPUTER: Surface impact in two minutes.
DOCTOR: Where's everyone else?
RIVER: They ran for it. So should we.

"At least one of you is semi-sensible." Rose declared.

"It won't last long." Amy snorted.

DOCTOR: We need to get the navcom back online. And re-route the thrusters.
RIVER: I'm trying.
COMPUTER: Please abandon ship.
(A console sparks.)
DOCTOR: So, King Hydroflax?
RIVER: Oh, how many times? I married the diamond.
DOCTOR: So you say.
RIVER: Elizabeth the First.
DOCTOR: Ramone.
RIVER: Marilyn Monroe.
DOCTOR: Stephen Fry.
RIVER: Cleopatra!
DOCTOR: Same thing.

The room watched the exchange entertained, they'd heard the pair have similar argument in the room with them and it was nice to know some things never changed.

"I'm not sure that's the time to have that argument." Donna pointed out with a raised eyebrow at the pair who shrugged unrepetant.

(The Doctor sits in the command seat and River looks out of the forward windows.)
RIVER: Hang on a minute. I recognise that planet.
DOCTOR: Well, that's nice. Maybe they'll name the crater after us.
RIVER: That's Darillium!
DOCTOR: Always good to know where we're going. Could you concentrate on your work, please?
RIVER: You know, the Singing Towers.
DOCTOR: Yes, I'll be sure to give them a wave as we zoom past.
RIVER: You always say you're going to take me there for dinner and then you always cancel at the last minute.
DOCTOR: I'd quite like to cancel this time too, if at all possible.

"Oh Doctor." River mumbled to her wife as she pressed a kiss to the Doctor's forehead. She understood now while he had kept cancelling and was almost thankful for it despite how much she had hated it then. The stories she'd heard had scared her more then she would admit.

(Boom!)
BOTH: Argh!
(The Doctor uses his nice sonic screwdriver on a console.)
RIVER: What are you doing? That's the internal teleport.
DOCTOR: Yes. I can use the power cell to boost the thrusters.

Jack narrowed his eyes at that. He wasn't quite as much as a the expert as the Doctor and River (and the Master) but he felt something fishy with that statement. It didn't help River was giving the Doctor a stern look.

(He uncoils blue neon cables and holds one out to River.)
RIVER: Really? How?
DOCTOR: Hold this, quickly.
RIVER: Well, I don't see what good this will do.
DOCTOR: Sorry, River. Crashing spaceships, that's my job.
RIVER: You
(River is teleported away.)

Amy and Rory let out a breath at seeing River at least temporarily out of danger, they knew it wasn't likely to last long with the Doctor still in danger so they were enjoying it for the seconds it lasted.

[Tardis]

RIVER: No, you don't!
(She sets the Tardis flying.)

[Bridge]

DOCTOR: More power. You can do it, you can do it.
(The Tardis materialises around him.)
DOCTOR: No, River, no, no, no, no!

"The pair of you are idiots. You both need to leave." Amy declared giving them both a stern look like misbehaving toddlers (which they acted like a lot). The pair just smiled at each other and then her which made her narrow her eyes.

(River comes out of the Tardis, followed by the Doctor.)
DOCTOR: Get back in the Tardis! This is my job!
RIVER: This is my job!
DOCTOR: I've been doing it longer.
RIVER: I do it better.
DOCTOR: River, not one person on this ship, not one living thing, is worth you.
RIVER: Or you.
COMPUTER: Surface impact in ten, nine, eight
(The forward window glass is breaking as the ground rushes to meet them.)
RIVER: Teensy bit close.
DOCTOR: Yeah, sort of.
RIVER: Darling, shall we pop back indoors?
DOCTOR: Yeah, good idea.
COMPUTER: Four, three, two, one.

"Finally." Rory muttered. Things had been getting far to close for everyone' liking. As heartfelt and honest as the declarations had been it really wasn't the time.

[Tardis]

(The impact sends them flying across the console room. The Doctor recovers first. He checks River's pulse.)

The group watched in concern as the pair went flying from the impact, no one taking their eyes of the screen or making any comments so they didn't delay finding out if they were hurt. They let out a breath they didn't know they'd been holding at seeing the Doctor move around and check on River.

DOCTOR: Indestructible as ever.
(The diamond is on the floor. He picks it up.)
DOCTOR: Married the diamond.
(He looks out of the Tardis door at the burning wreckage, then closes it again. He jumps the Tardis forward in time a little, then goes outside again.)

"The joys of time travel."

[Darillium]

(The wreckage is still smoking gently. A man in a hard hat runs over.)
ALPHONSE: Hello? Sir. The ship, it came down. Did you see it?
DOCTOR: Yes, I did.

ALPHONSE: I've been searching for survivors.
DOCTOR: I doubt if you'd find any. And I don't think any of them would be worth it, if that's a comfort. Brave of you to try, though. Well done.
ALPHONSE: Thank you, sir.

The room felt some sympathy for the man, the Doctor's compliments were worth quite a bit for some unknown reason. It was good to see a genuinely nice person just trying to help and the group was interested to see what the Doctor was up to.

(Two tall pillars of stone stand proud of the flat landscape.)
DOCTOR: Those are the Singing Towers, aren't they?
ALPHONSE: Yes, sir, but it's just the wind.
DOCTOR: The Singing Towers of Darillium. Here we are at last.

The group turned to the Doctor and River confused by that statement - clearly there was something going on here that they didn't understand. River, the Doctor and Nardole just looked sad.

ALPHONSE: Sir?
DOCTOR: You know what? They should build a restaurant right here, with a view of those towers. You could make a lot of money that way. You should do that.
ALPHONSE: You'd need a lot of money to begin with, sir.
(The Doctor shows Alphonse the diamond.)
DOCTOR: The Halassi Androvar. I think you'll find that the reward is pretty substantial.
(Then drops it into his gloved hand.)
ALPHONSE: Why would you give me this, sir?
DOCTOR: (sotto) Restaurant!

"Of course you give away the most valuable diamond in the universe so you can take River on a date." Jack shook his head, smiling. It was so very typical Doctor behaviour.

(The Doctor goes back into the Tardis. River is still unconscious. He sets the Tardis flying forward in time again, and goes out into -)

[Restaurant]

DOCTOR: Excuse me, um, I'd like a table on the balcony with a view of the towers.
RECEPTIONIST: I'm sorry, sir. The first available slot I have is Christmas Day in four years' time.
DOCTOR: Not a problem.

"That's a really good use of time travel." Clara looked far too thoughtful about that, especially knowing that she had her own Tardis with Me. The Doctor narrowed her eyes at Clara suddenly a bit nervous about what Me and Clara were getting up to across time and space.

(River wakes up in the Tardis and goes outside. The receptionist's hairstyle is different, so we can presume it is four years later. A string orchestra is playing The First Noel.)
RECEPTIONIST: Professor Song. The Doctor is waiting for you on the balcony.
RIVER: Oh. Excellent.
RECEPTIONIST: This way, ma'am.
RIVER: Do we have a good table?
RECEPTIONIST: The finest in all the galaxy, ma'am.
RIVER: Ah. Er, one moment.
(River uses her transformational spray again.)

The group watched quietly as the atmosphere seemed to take an almost melancholy/sad feeling. They couldn't help but feel what was about to happen was important although they had no idea why - as most of the danger seemed to already be done with.

[Balcony]

(She walks around the corner in her new red velvet sequinned dress to see a big red metal being with a tiny bearded human head between its shoulders.)

"But what?" Rose asked, blinking at the site of the robot. The room had all tensed at the sight but the Doctor just smiled reassuringly and waved at the screen.

RIVER: Ramone?
RAMONE: Professor Song. The Doctor will be with you in a moment.
RIVER: What are you doing here?
RAMONE: They pulled us from the wreckage, ma'am. Fixed us up. I've been working here ever since. Don't worry. The nasty part's all gone. Got deleted in the merger.
RIVER: What about Nardole?
NARDOLE [OC]: Oh, Merry Christmas, ma'am. Yeah, good to see you again.
RIVER: Merry Christmas, Nardole!
NARDOLE [OC]: Sorry I'm off duty. I'm just having some me time.
RIVER: I imagine that must be quite a challenge.
NARDOLE: Yes, ma'am. (laughs)

"So that's how you met Nardole?" Bill asked the Doctor who grinned.

"Yep, made him his own body eventually."

RIVER: So, Ramone, you have a metal body now.
DOCTOR: Down, girl.
(The Doctor has swapped his burgundy velvet jacket for a black suit and tie, and is carrying a gift.)

"You clean up nice Doctor."

"Jack!"

RIVER: Now that, my dear, is a suit.
DOCTOR: Happy Christmas.
RIVER: Really? I don't think you've ever given me a present before.
(She opens the box to reveal the sonic screwdriver she had in the Library.)
RIVER: Oh, it's a sonic screwdriver! How lovely!

"Of course you'd give her a sonic." Martha shook her head but was smiling at the pair, happy to see them together.

Donna, however, was frowning slightly, she'd thought for a while that she had vaguely recognised River but the sonic and diary had just confirmed it. She glanced almost frantically at the Doctor who frowned, eyes sad, but nodded - she was right in her thoughts. Donna's heart broke just that little more for the Doctor, watchingt he screen with a new perspective.

DOCTOR: When I saw the sonic trowel, I thought it was just embarrassing, but, look.
(He demonstrates the screwdriver.)
RIVER: Oh, thank you.
(And kisses the Doctor on both cheeks.)
DOCTOR: You look, er, amazing.
RIVER: Doctor, you have no idea whether I look amazing or not.
DOCTOR: Well, you've moved your hair about, haven't you?

"I'm impressed you tried. You're terrible with that stuff as Eyebrows." Clara grinned at the pair, she was quite happy to have seen them properly. Her only actual interaction with River had been Trenzalore and the Doctor never really wanted to speak about her but it was clear he loved her.

"She's not much better now." Yaz grinned ignoring the Doctor's protests.

"She never is." Rose laughed.

RIVER: Well done. It's very sweet of you to try.
DOCTOR: So what do you think? The Singing Towers.
(River gazes at the pillars with the sun setting behind them.)
RIVER: Oh. The music. Listen to it. Are you crying?

"It's beautiful." Martha muttered, but like all the other she was watching the Doctor and River.

DOCTOR: No. Just the wind.
RIVER: Nothing's ever just the wind.
DOCTOR: No? It blows through the cave system and harmonises with the crystal layer.
RIVER: Why are you sad?
DOCTOR: Why are you sad?
RIVER: I told you, my diary's nearly full. I worry.
DOCTOR: Please don't.

Despite the Doctor's comment the room couldn't help but be a bit worried, things had suddenly taken a sad turn. Donna, Bill and Nardole were especially sad as they had some idea of what happened. The interaction just solidified Amy and Rory's determination to talk to their daughter soon.

RIVER: There are stories about us, you know.
DOCTOR: Oh, I dread to think.
RIVER: I look them up sometimes.
DOCTOR: You really shouldn't do that.
RIVER: Some of them suggest that the very last night we spend together is at the Singing Towers of Darillium. That wouldn't be true, would it?
DOCTOR: Spoilers.

"What happens to her?" Amy demanded, unable to take it anymore.

"Amy."

"No Doctor. What happens to River?"

"It's okay Mother." River tried to intercede while the Doctor just looked so deeply sad that it terrified Amy and Rory more.

"No it's not River." Rory joined in.

"It is, its already happened for me and I will see the Doctor again. Stories aren't always true and they don't always know everything." River declared, tone leaving no room for arguments.

The Doctor looked so hopeful at that declaration, pressing closer to River. She was still facing her wife's parents though. "We'll talk during the break, I don't think there is much more left." Amy and Rory nodded reluctantly, understanding that was the best they were going to get at the minute.

RIVER: Oh. Well, that would explain why you kept cancelling coming here. Do you remember that time
DOCTOR: River, stop.
RIVER: When there were two of you
DOCTOR: Don't.
RIVER: Because I want you to know that if this is the last night, I expect you to find a way round it.
DOCTOR: Not everything can be avoided. Not forever.
RIVER: But you're you. There's always a loophole. You wait until the last minute and then you spring it on me.
DOCTOR: Every night is the last night for something. Every Christmas is the last Christmas

Clara flinched at the words fake Danny had said to her during the weird mess in the North Pole. The rest of the room was watching the exchange unnerved at seeing River almost breaking down, it seemed so out of character for her and the exchange seemed so personal, they felt a bit guilty for watching it.

But you will. You'll wait until I've given up hope. All will be lost, and you'll do that smug little smile and then you'll save the day. You always do.
DOCTOR: No, I don't. Not always. Times end, River, because they have to. Because there's no such thing as happy ever after. It's just a lie we tell ourselves because the truth is so hard.
RIVER: No, Doctor, you're wrong. Happy ever after doesn't mean forever. It just means time. A little time. But that's not the sort of thing you could ever understand, is it?
DOCTOR: Mmm. What do you think of the towers?
RIVER: I love them.
DOCTOR: Then why are you ignoring them?
RIVER: They're ignoring me. But then you can't expect a monolith to love you back.

The group had nothing to say at the scene unfolding before them, all a bit in shock as the pair of time travellers almost seemed to be saying goodbye.

DOCTOR: No, you can't. They've been there for millions of years, through storms and floods and wars and time. Nobody really understands where the music comes from. It's probably something to do with the precise positions, the distance between both towers. Even the locals aren't sure. All anyone will ever tell you is that when the wind stands fair and the night is perfect, when you least expect it but always when you need it the most there is a song.
RIVER: So, assuming tonight is all we have left.
DOCTOR: I didn't say that.
RIVER: How long is a night on Darillium?
DOCTOR: Twenty four years.

More than one person let out a little chocked or relieved noise at the Doctor's words. The whole situation was still unbearably sad, knowing it could be the last time they saw each other, but it gave them some time at least. The music from the towers seemed to say everything they were all currently feeling.

RIVER: (nearly laughing and crying at the same time) I hate you.
DOCTOR: No, you don't.
(They gaze into each others eyes.)

And they both lived happily ever after ...
And they both lived happily
happily

The room was silent as the final word disappeared, unsure what to actually say about that rollercoaster of an episode - it had seemed so innocent at the start but had ended on such a heartfelt and emotional moment. The Doctor gave one last kiss to the back of River's hand as her wife gave her a soft look full of her love - both of them thinking back to their domestic bliss on Darillium. The Doctor then turned to the rest of the room. "I think we all need a break, the last few videos have been ... intense."

There was several grumbles of agreement as people started to stand up and stretch their legs. The group slowly dispersed, leaving the screening room in search of a walk or something to eat, conversations striking up about anything and everything. Soon the only people left in the room were the Doctor, River, Amy and Rory.

Amy leaned forward in her seat, eyes locked on her daughter and the Doctor. "Start talking."