I don't think I can make it without her. What is there to live for?
The words are so hauntingly familiar to Jane that it's like she's reading her own diaries, from the darkest passage of her life.
I loved her so much. She made everything better. And now she's gone.
She stifles a sob, looking away from the page in front of her as she attempts to level out her breathing. Jane hasn't slept for more than a few hours in the last week, tortured by the journal she'd taken upon herself to read, aiming to find something to help with the investigation and had ended up discovering a lot more than she bargained for.
She had let Frost take the other evidence with him but felt compelled to keep the journal, owing it to Sarah to give it the attention it called for. She certainly hadn't expected to be forced to face the past again, not like this.
She was my first. She'll be my last. Nothing else matters.
Jane wipes her sleeve across her eyes, drying her tears and then picking up her phone. It's later than realised but she calls Frost anyway, relieved when he picks up on the third ring.
"Hey." Jane tries not to feel guilty at his sleep laced voice, her own breaking softly as she speaks.
"Hey. Did I wake you?"
"Yeah. Everything okay?"
"Yeah."
The despair in her tone doesn't go unnoticed and she can hear him straighten up, clearing his throat and pressing Jane for more.
"No, it's not. What's wrong?"
"It's stupid."
"What's wrong, Jane?"
His worry is evident and Jane sniffles loudly, reaching out flip through the pages, smoothing a hand over the scrawled record of Sarah's pain softly.
"This journal, Frost. This kid. Both of them. It's…" She doesn't finish her sentence, trailing off to nothing.
"What did you find?"
"Sarah lost someone. I think it's the girl in the photo with her. She…they were dating, trying to keep it a secret but someone found out. God, Frost. I could have written this myself." Jane bites back another sob, gasping sharply. "Their lives were hell. They were tormented and bullied until Sarah's girlfriend couldn't stand it any more and she…she killed herself."
Jane's head pounds painfully as she blinks through tears, tracing the handwriting in front of her as if it'll bring some kind of comfort.
"Any names?"
"None."
"Are you by yourself?"
"No. Maura is asleep. I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes I picture their faces and what happened and I can't shake it. I just see myself."
"You could talk to her about it."
"She wouldn't understand. Do you think I wanna have this conversation with her now?"
"She might not understand the circumstances but it's Maura. She understands you."
"She doesn't know that part of me yet. She doesn't know I was that fuckin' kid Frost. That I was just the same as these girls."
"But you're not anymore. You got all of us. We love you."
"Don't." She chokes out emotionally, one hand coming to clamp over her mouth to silence the sound. The very last she wants right now is for Maura to witness this - to watch the truth burst from her as she falls apart, helpless to stop it.
"I'm comin' over."
"No, don't. I'm fine."
"I should never have let you read through those on your own."
"It's fine. I'm fine."
"Tell me you're fine one more time…you don't call someone at three in the morning if you're fine."
"I shouldn't have. I'm sorry. I'm gonna go, okay? Bye."
"You'd better not hang up on me right now." He admonishes and she groans, annoyance unfurling before she can stop it.
"What do you wanna hear? That I can't fucking do this? That sometimes I wish I had just fucking jumped? Is that better?"
"Pushing away the people that hurt you in the past might have worked so far, but maybe you need to take a look at the ones who stay, despite your best efforts."
"I'm not pushing anyone away."
"So go wake up Maura and talk to her."
"That's not fair. I'm doing it to protect her Frost, because I have to. I'm not doing it because I want to."
"Doing what?"
"Keeping secrets. Not telling her…stuff."
"You can keep telling yourself that, but it won't make it true." Jane hears the sounds of movement over the line as he speaks - the muffled sounds of dressing and keys jangling quietly. "You think you're protecting her by not confiding? You think she'd like the thought of you sitting in your kitchen crying alone whilst she sleeps?" She listens to the sound of his footsteps, hears the beep of his car alarm being disabled. "You don't wanna tell her, fine. But you're not going through this alone."
"I'm not opening the door if you're doing what I think you're doing."
"Well, I could do with some breach practise."
"Frost."
"I'm sure Maura will understand. You want me to give her a call first, ask permission?"
"Barry. Please. I can't..."
He's quiet for a moment, only the rumbling of his engine filling the silence.
"If I were calling you with this, would you just hang up and go back to sleep?"
"No."
"I'll be there in twenty minutes."
Jane has no answer for him, hanging up and letting the phone drop from her hands with a clatter. She closes the diary, shoving it to one side and crossing her arms on the table, head coming to rest on them whilst she waits.
She doesn't have the strength to do this right now, but what other choice does she have?
True to his word, Frost is lightly tapping on the porch window no less than twenty minutes later and Jane opens the door as soundlessly as she can, finger pressed to her lips in a request for him to be quiet. She gestures for him to come in but he doesn't, shaking his head in refusal.
"Get something warm. It's cold out."
She follows his instruction, shrugging on a jacket and her boots over her clothes. She signals for him to wait, crossing back to collect her phone and the journal before she follows him to his parked car, climbing into the passenger seat. It's so cold that she can see her breath and she shivers violently, turning on the hot air and holding her hands in front of the vents to warm them up. Frost drives without speaking and Jane twists away from him, tears rolling down her face as she stares out of the window sullenly.
They're driving along the highway towards Portsmouth, takeaway coffee from Dunkin' steaming between them when Frost breaks the silence, glancing at Jane thoughtfully before he looks back at the road.
"I'm gonna tell you a secret."
She takes a sip of her coffee, rolling it in her hands before she slides it back into the holder.
"What?"
"Sometimes, when I get so overwhelmed by what we gotta do every damn day, when I feel like I'm suffocating, I drive out to Cape Neddick at low tide and I walk out to the water and I just let it all out."
Jane laughs a soft laugh of disbelief and Frost reaches over to shove her knee playfully, hand resting there sweetly for a moment.
"Don't knock it till you've tried it. Something about screaming out into the ocean really takes the edge off."
"I prefer running. Or taking it out on a punching bag. Something I don't need to think about, that I can just mentally switch off for."
"I'm not dressed for a race, but we can do that. If it'll help."
"No. I don't think it will. It's not enough." Jane admits, opening the journal that sits in her lap, flipping through it until she finds the photograph she's looking for. She holds it out for Frost and he takes it, holding it up to the light so he can see.
"Sarah. And her...girlfriend?"
"Yeah."
"They looked happy."
"They were." Jane's voice threatens to crack and she takes the photo from him, tucking it between the pages where it belongs.
"You gonna tell me what happened?"
"From what I've read, they wer-"
"Not to them J. Not to them."
Jane knows exactly what he's asking and she closes her eyes, sinking into the seat heavily.
The bitterly cold rain stings Jane's face as climbs the iron stairs of the fire escape, the thin pyjamas her mother had bought her for her new apartment soaked through and sticking uncomfortably to her skin.
She approaches the very top of the staircase and pulls herself over the edge and onto the roof, following the all too familiar path around vents and wires and ducts that she's taken too many times before.
She makes her way to the corner of the rooftop that she knows overlooks a quiet alley, and then clambers onto the stone ledge, swinging her legs and feet off the side and allowing them to dangle in mid-air.
It's her twentieth birthday and she can't think of a single reason why she shouldn't jump.
Jane steadies herself against the cutting wind as she leans forward, her heart thrumming in her chest. She inches forward, bringing a hand to her face to flick drenched hair out of her eyes. Thunder rolls above her loudly and she readies herself for the fall, adrenaline beginning to rush through her body as she balances on the edge, tears joining rain in streaking her pale face. Her body fights against her brain as she yells in frustration, muscles shaking with the effort as she clings onto the edge, torn between turning around and crawling back into her bed or just fucking doing what she came up here to do.
All she has to do is loosen her grip and tilt forward, and it's done. She won't have to bend so hard to please her parents that she breaks. She won't have to give a fuck what people think of her anymore. She won't have to be the punchline of tired jokes. She can break free and she can fade to black and she can just give up trying to find her happy place in the hateful, awful world.
Jane peers into the alley below her once more and then takes a deep breath that fills her lungs, slowly counting backwards from ten as she exhales.
Ten. Nine. She doesn't have any fight left in her anymore. She's done everything her parents asked of her - she's almost finished with school with good grades, she's playing the part of doting, happy daughter.
She's doing the best thing for everyone.
Eight. Seven. Six.
Five. Is this the best though? Really?
She tries to block out the tiny voice in her head, the one that has talked her out of it so many times already.
Four. It's better for everyone this way.
Three. Think of your mother. Your dad is gone. She needs you. Think of Cassandra. Would you want to let them all down?
Two.
She doesn't need to finish her count. She knows she won't do it. She can hear Cass's voice in her head alongside her own now, repeating the same few words on a loop.
You're worth more than this.
It's this that echoes in her head as she rolls back, allowing herself to drop heavily onto the roof. It is the driving force that propels her down the fire escape and through her propped open window, and it is the only thing she can manage to say aloud before she begins to sob, sinking to her knees onto the floor of her bedroom.
"Every time I dream about it, I do it. I step over the edge and I'm falling, and then I wake up and I'm terrified by what could have been. I'm reminded of what pushed me there, and how final it felt. And it's so hard to not picture it, Frost. Even though I'll never let anyone put me through that again."
"I had no idea."
They walk along the wet sand, shivering against the sea breeze as they approach the shoreline. The fresh air is a remedy to her current state of mind and she's thankful that Frost brought her here - that he's listening without interrupting, helping her along the way.
"I don't exactly make a habit of talking about it. It was a long, long time ago. I'm not even sure why it keeps rearing it's ugly face. Like the thousands of dollars that I spent on therapy were worthless."
"You're still here. Still breathing. I'd say that's worth every damn cent."
"I guess so." She agrees, bending to pick up a rock that she weighs in her palm, then tosses into the waves with a splash. "But I don't know why it's coming back to haunt me now. I've had the odd nightmare here and there when I'm stressed out about shit, but…am I even making sense?"
"You went through hell, with someone you put all your trust in. And now you're trusting someone else in the same way, kinda makes sense that it'd make you scared of it happening all over again."
"Huh. I guess you're right."
"Are you happy?"
They come to a stop where the shallow waves roll onto the sand, staring out at the dawn that begins to break on the horizon, illuminating the world around them.
"Happier than I've ever been. Maura…" Jane sighs, toeing the sand with the tip of her boot. "I thought I'd been in love, but it's nothing like this. Not even close. There are no words to describe how happy she makes me. She respects me. She listens, even if I'm being an asshole. She makes we wanna be a better person Frost. I live for her and I'd die for her."
"Wow."
"Yeah. Revolting isn't it." Jane laughs softly, closing her eyes and sucking in a deep breath. "So you can see why I'm not jumping at the chance to load all this on her. I wish I could just forget it all. Click my fingers and have it disappear."
"You know that can't happen, don't you? Not if it's serious, with Maura." He turns, eyes on hers as he questions. "And it is, isn't it?"
"It's serious. I bought a ring, Frost." Saying it out loud for the first time sends a wave of relief crashing down on Jane, tears turning to happy ones as she lets out a laugh, the sound breaking through the choking feeling of sadness that has been pinning her for the last few days.
"I'm gonna marry her. If she says yes."
"If she says yes?" Frost repeats incredulously, slapping a hand against his thigh loudly. "You seriously think she's gonna say no?"
"She might when she hears all of this."
"You, my friend, are ridiculous. She loves you. Even I see that. Hell, I'm pretty sure everyone can, and if they can't? Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all."
He yells the last few words out towards the ocean, repeating in like a mantra until Jane joins him, shouting out all of the pain and misery until her throat begins to hurt and she stops, voice hoarse when she lays a hand on Frost's arm.
"Yeah. Fuck 'em. Hey...can you do me a favor? Can you drop me off somewhere? There's someone I need to talk to."
The sun has risen and Jane's tears have dried by the time she reaches Angela's, willing herself up the porch steps. She stands with a fingertip hovering over the doorbell, hand trembling as she takes a breath in and presses it.
She has to do this. For Maura. For them.
Jane hugs her arms tightly around herself, rocking side to side as the porch lights turn on, followed by the door swinging open to a pyjama-clad Angela, hair sticking up and face etched sleep.
"Ma."
"Jane. What are you doing here? What's wrong?"
Angela reaches for her, hand dropping to her side as Jane flinches away from her.
"I gotta talk to you. Maura and I…"
"Come in. It's cold. Let me make some tea."
"I don't want tea. There's something I have to tell you."
Angela takes her by the arm now, pinching the sleeve of her jacket and coaxing her into the warm house, ignoring Jane's tired cries of protest. She leads Jane to the couch where they sit, then Jane stands again, hands wringing in the air nervously.
"I wrote a whole speech for this but I don't have it with me, so I'm just gonna say it."
"I'm listening. Sit down, you're making me nervous."
"Maura and I are very close."
"Is she okay? You're worrying me, Janie."
"Ma, please!"
Angela mimics locking her lips, eyes full of concern as her gaze follows Jane's pacing around the small living room.
"We are close. And she is my best friend. But for a while now I've felt…different. Things have been different between us and it's changing again and…oh, Jesus. Why is this so hard?" Jane sighs, squashing onto the couch next to Angela.
"Have you had a fight?"
"No. Not a fight."
"I hate it when you girls fall out. What happened?"
"I love her."
"I'm sure whatever it is can be fixed."
"I love her so much."
"So let's work this out. What happ-"
"I am in love with her, Mom. I've been in love with her for so long. She's my everything. And I don't wanna hide it anymore. I don't wanna hide her."
"Oh, Jane."
Is that disappointment that Jane can hear in Angela's voice? Sadness? Disgust?
"And if it means losing people, then I guess that's what it means. I can't control how people feel but I can control how I feel about her and I'm not hiding it anymore. I can't. It's killing me."
"What do you mean losing people? Who are you losing?"
"Everyone. Maybe no-one. Don't exactly have a good track record with this stuff."
"Does Maura feel the same? Does she…does she love you?"
Jane nods, trying her best to avoid making eye contact as she stares at the ground, eyes watering with fresh tears.
"Then why are you crying, honey?"
"I…thought you might hate it. Hate me."
Angela gently hooks a fingertip under Jane's chin, tilting until Jane is facing her.
"Haven't I always told you that it doesn't matter to me? That I don't care who you choose to love? It doesn't change who you are. You're still my Janie." She dries Jane's tears, dropping a kiss to her forehead as she pulls her into a crushing, motherly hug.
"All I have ever wanted is for you to be happy, with someone who'll treat you the way you deserve to be treated, be that a man or a woman or anyone in between. If Maura gives you that, who am I to say any different? You couldn't have picked a better partner. I love Maura."
"We've been…together for a while now. I moved in. I think we've always known that we were meant for more, on some level, ya know? I can't picture myself with anyone else, or my life without her in it."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
The tenderness in her tone is almost too much for Jane to take, feeling a twinge of guilt.
"I was scared, Ma. You know why."
"Grace."
The name makes Jane flinch and she nods, elbows on her knees as she props herself up, overwhelming exhaustion hitting her so hard it almost knocks her off her feet.
"You've come so far since then. I'm so proud of you. I wanna know these things, Janie. You can tell me anything."
"I'm telling you now."
"Thank you. Thank you for trusting me. Where is Maura?"
"Home. I couldn't sleep. Needed to come see you." Jane slumps against the soft pillows, closing her eyes. "I'm tired. I'm so tired mom. I'm tired of running."
"That's okay. You don't have to run. Lie down. Let me help you." Angela lifts Jane's legs onto the couch, grasping for a blanket and draping it over her, hands coming to instinctively stroke Jane's hair.
"You remember the day after it happened? I took you outta that school and away from those girls and you folded so far in on yourself that I thought I'd lost you. It took years, but you found the will to fight, even after everything you'd gone through. And you fought and you overcame and now look at you." Jane's eyes droop and close and Angela presses a kiss to her forehead, stroking her cheek softly. "You're stronger than you know. You always have been. My little shining light. I love you, Janie."
After Maura wakes to a cold bed and no signs of Jane, she immediately fears the worst. Her mind whips to the murders and the note that had been left for April, heart thrumming as she methodically checks every room in the house, suppressing the urge to vomit when she finds each one empty.
This isn't like Jane. At the very least, she'd leave a note.
Surely she would.
She races upstairs for her cell phone, dialling Jane's number with trembling hands. The elation she feels when the call is answered lasts only for a few seconds, confusion spreading through her at the familiar voice on the end of the line.
"Hi, Maura. It's me."
"Angela?"
"Hi, sweetheart. Jane is here with me."
"Oh. Oh, thank goodness."
"Why don't you come over here for some breakfast? Jane is sleeping but I have a feeling we need to talk."
Maura graciously accepts the offer without question, dressing at record speed before she makes the short drive to Angela's house, trying not to focus on why Jane might have left like that, without telling her.
Maybe the note is playing on her mind too. Maybe both of them are too close to this investigation.
Angela is waiting for her on the porch with open arms and a joyous smile, bundling Maura into a warm hug as they enter the house, Maura drawn immediately towards Jane. Maura bends at the waist, smoothing dark curls away from Jane's face. She can tell that Jane has been crying, puffy eyes and reddened cheeks a dead giveaway, and Maura's heart sinks as she stands, walking back to meet Angela in her kitchen.
"What time did she arrive?"
"Around two hours ago. She's been sleeping since. I figure we could let her rest for a little."
"How did she get here?" Maura thinks of Jane's car still parked in their garage at home, taking the mug of tea that Angela slides towards her with a smile.
"I don't know. She rang the bell and I came down and she was just right there on the porch, crying."
"Did she say why?
"She told me everything."
Maura sighs, taking a sip of her tea.
"Maybe I should talk to Sean about taking her off the case. I'm very concerned."
"Case? What case? What's concerning?"
Maura feels her cheeks redden and she hides a grimace, attempting a nonchalant shrug.
"Oh, just an investigation. Jane is working very hard. It's beginning to take it's toll."
It's not necessarily a lie and Maura smiles lightly at being able to sidestep the question, thankful that her body doesn't betray her words.
"She's exhausted. She said it herself. But no, I was talking about something else."
"Oh?"
"I know about you and Jane."
Maura reels, the unexpected revelation shocking her enough that she responds physically, unable to disguise her surprise as she takes a small step backwards, eyes wide.
"No no, it's okay. It's okay honey. I got nothing but good things to say."
"Oh."
"I feel like I gotta apologize that you girls felt like you couldn't come to me sooner. I couldn't be happier."
"Oh," Maura repeats, struggling to form words. She knew that Jane had wanted to tell her mother, but she hadn't thought it would be so soon, and with no warning.
"I know you know what's best for her. I know you'll take care of her and that you'll love her. You're what she needs Maura. You're good for her."
"Oh." Maura offers and Angela laughs, closing the distance between them to curl an arm around Maura's shoulder, pressing a kiss to her temple.
"It's okay, sweetheart. Don't worry."
"Nice going, Ma. You broke her." Jane's voice filters in, weighted with sleep and Maura twists, staring into the room. She's considering if it's appropriate to go to her or not when Angela encourages her along, giving her a gentle push towards the open door.
It's all the permission that Maura needs, handing Angela her teacup and then crossing to Jane, dropping to her knees at the side of the couch. She pulls the blanket away from her face, pressing a warm kiss to her lips.
"Hey."
"Hey yourself. What time is it?"
"It's gone nine. You weren't there when I woke up. You scared me."
"Sorry. I wasn't thinking straight."
"Where did you go? How did you get here?"
Jane groans, untangling from the couch and sitting up, stretching her cramped back muscles out.
"It's a long story. It's been a long night. Can I tell you later?"
Maura nods gloomily, taking the crumpled blanket from Jane and folding it neatly. She places it on the couch next to Jane, torn between demanding to know where she's been and wanting to curl up right next to her and go to sleep herself.
"Hey." A hand closes around Maura's wrist, shaking her arm gently. "It can wait, I promise." Jane kisses the back of Maura's hand, smiling as she tugs Maura into her lap, hugging her tightly.
"You told your mother."
"I did. I'm gonna see Frankie and Tommy today and tell them too, and Vince. And my coffee guy. And the mailman. I wonder how much it is to get a plane to fly over, with one of those giant ass banners?"
"No more hiding?" Maura asks, cupping Jane's face in her hand and kissing her softly.
"No more hiding, baby. I promise."
AN: The glimpse into Jane's past is the very first thing I wrote for this story, and look how far we've come! This chapter is intentionally a little disorderly, giving you an insight in Jane's state of mind as she moves forward, with Maura. Hope you enjoyed!