Take Two Round Two

by Third Fang

What do you get when you cross several interdimensional god like beings, raw boredom, a world of Naruto that went wrong, several years worth of off screen training, common sense, insanity, humor, sarcasm, the Log, explosions, plot, and overall chaos? Apparently a lot of headache medicine for Tsunade. May the Games Begin. Sequel to Yet Again With A Little Extra Help.

23. Chapter 22

Chapter Twenty Two: Two too to, but that makes three? It all makes sense now! My mind is blown! Oh… oh shit! We're back! Guys! Yeah! This isn't dead yet! I know, right!?

I don't own Naruto, any of its characters, or any references in this story. If I did, horrible things would happen. Neither do I own any other anime that I reference. I do own all OC's and new Jutsu in the story as well as every ounce of pure awesome spawned by this.

o. o. o.

It was bound to happen.

As cataclysmic as the news was. As bad as it sounded, and important as it seemed, the stress and impact of what was learned could only last for so long before the adrenaline and shock wore off.

Thunk. Thunk. Thunk.

For some people, this resulted in them falling into a numb stupor. Some tried to reason against reality. Some lashed out at the world.

Thunk. Thunk. Thunk.

And others… accepted it all, and settled for bitching about their circumstances.

"Whyhyhyhyhyyyyyyy?!"

"Ugh. Make him stop," Tenten moaned with her head in her hands. "First it was the "dooming", now it's this."

"This", entailed Naruto standing in front of a tree and endlessly head-butting it while crying out pathetically like a small child.

"I just wanted a vacation. Was that so much to ask? A little me time. A little chance to ground myself. A little messing with the masses. No politics. No major events. No real stress. Not… not THIS!" The blonde yelled accusingly to no one in particular.

"… WHY DO YOU NOT RESPOND TREE?! YIELD YOUR PULP SATURATED ADVICE OF CENTURIES PAST!"

Ok, he was yelling at the tree, but that technically didn't count.

"Ok, normally I'm good with overlooking Naruto's stress relieving bouts of crazy, but yelling at trees for answers is a bit past the line." Chouji sighed, getting up and pretending that everyone else there wasn't slowly edging away from the disturbed young man.

"You're a better person than me Chouji." Ino shivered.

"Does that mean I can finally-"

"No."

"Worth a shot." The Akimichi yielded to his girlfriend's authority before continuing to his friend. "Naruto. Buddy. I know that shit's gotten real, not that anyone will tell us what it is exactly, but you really gotta calm down. You're laying it thicker than you normally do."

"Don't wanna." It was like Naruto had regressed three years in his training rather than grew up three at this point.

Chouji scratched the back of his head. "Come on man. I get it. You can't tell us everything. The looks on team Seven's faces when you got back was enough to get the point across. But the fact that no one is rushing to do anything and you aren't telling us this stuff means you still have time to do something about it, right?"

"It's gonna suuuuuuuck," the blonde moaned. "I wanted a break. I wanted to chill. I wanted to not deal with bullshit for once. Was that too much to ask?"

The big teen shifted uncomfortably. "I know Ghost's not exactly an ideal image of sanity, but was it really that bad?"

To that day, Chouji would swear that he heard horrible things in the background as Naruto turned his neck slowly to turn to him. The haunted gaze of one who had seen things that could not be unseen bore into his soul.

"… Point made." Chouji would also swear up and down that his voice had not become a falsetto upon speaking those words.

"How do you do it man?" Naruto mumbled, his voice notably calmer and more stable than before. "Out of all of us, you're the most grounded. You're easygoing, going at your own pace. Yet you still kept up with us and you're still… normal."

"Normal?" That one word seemed to send tremors down the Akimichi's spine. There were so much weight to that one word, especially to their world. Naruto had never been normal, but he had never made an effort to be normal either. The fact that Naruto was admitting something close to envy for normalcy was more outlandish than anything anyone in their circle would imagine.

"I've seen and been through shit you wouldn't believe man." Naruto turned his head back to the tree. He lifted up a hand and looked at it as if seeing something else entirely. "Things you can't pretend didn't happen. Things that really fuck up the way you look and think about… fucking everything. It's like everything's twisted now… or was everything twisted before and I see it for what it is? Either way, I haven't had many moments to just sit down and… get used to how "normal" people do and see things again. I understand them, logically at least, but I'm not used to it anymore like you are. And better still, I don't care about the things I do get."

"… Fuck." Chouji breathed out slowly as he digested what Naruto was telling him and the actual weight of its contents.

"I know, right? I just wanted a small break. Messing with a few minor idiots was fine and all, but what's happened recently just makes me want to say "screw it" and run away so I can finally get some peace and quiet. Small talk with people that aren't powerful and aren't insane in one way or another. Get my bearings straight. I'm just… I'm just tired of it all. I hit my limit a long time ago and was forced to break every new one since a dozen time over."

A heavy hand slowly and softly patted him on the shoulder. "I'm going to be honest. I didn't think Ghost would be a big enough ass to push you that far past your limits. He's normally better with taking a person's limits into account."

Naruto seemed about to say something. Judging from his expression, the blonde was about to argue against the statement, but decided against it at the last moment. "Yeah, well, logical or not, he was driven crazy too. He's just used to it."

Driven crazy.

Not changed. Not went mad. But forced to be insane. The choice of words didn't escape Chouji. "Yeah, well, you're actually trying to make up for things. Sensei hasn't even tried to tone himself down since we all first met him."

That apparently wasn't the right thing to say if the sudden drop in Naruto's somewhat amused expression was any indication.

"Something I said?"

"No, I mean, yes, but… never mind. It's not my problem and I'm not going to bother trying to explain it to others." Naruto sighed, acting as if he was cleaning his hands of the matter.

Chouji sighed and took a step back. "Look, I… why aren't you talking to someone from your team about this? Or Hinata? Not that I'm not trying to unload this off on them, but you're closer to them than me. They get you better than I ever will. I'm just…"

"You're Chouji Akimichi. A guy in the background, but still the big guy that can get along with everyone without any effort at all. It's hard for anyone to hate you. You get everyone." Naruto interrupted him with a sigh. "Chouji, I might not have been here for three years, but let me give you my thoughts on everyone here. Sasuke's a recluse that spends most of his time in ANBU or with us. Kakashi's just as bad since he's been doing the same for over a decade longer and hides behind his porn. Sakura's focused on splitting her time between being arms deep in the bodies of others and being with Sasuke. And Hinata's clearly suffering from pent up stress and sexual abstinence on top of her fascination with me, not to mention that she has been taking much of her upper class social training to heart."

The big teen couldn't refrain from shifting about uncomfortably. Say wat you will about Naruto's personality, but stupid and unobservant he sure as hell was not.

"Tenten and I aren't that close to begin with, Shino's as big of a recluse as anyone despite his best efforts, and I have no idea why, but Ino's more trigger happy than Anko the last time I saw her. You're really the most stable person out of all of us here, and honestly the only guy in our age group I'd vent this sort of shit to other than Shika, but then that's kinda expected since you're his wingman."

Chouji did smile then. Not only because of Naruto's compliment, but because Shikamaru would deny the statement entirely. The shadow user didn't need a wingman, not with Temari's claws already latched into him. "I don't know whether to be honored or pissed. You know that everyone is assuming that our power is proportionally inverse to our sanity."

"Power's overrated. Exploiting and invoking conceptual bullshit is where the real money's at." Naruto grumbled into the tree.

"Speaking from personal experience I take it."

"Figuratively and literally."

"I'll take your word for it." He knew better than to ask further questions lest he lose more of his grasp on reality than he already has. "Look. I don't know what to tell you. We all have shit to do whether we like it or not. I'll try to get everyone to lay off you when you come back home, but you gotta put in some effort as well. Play your cards right and Shika and I might even let you join in on cloud watching at some point… so long as you don't try to mess with the clouds again."

Naruto once managed to turn some low hanging clouds into a parade of penises as part of a training exercise turned prank. Shikamaru had not been pleased.

"Meh. Too easy. Too lazy."

"Aren't you supposed to be depressed?"

"And crazy. They counteract one another sometimes. It's annoying for me too."

"So you're bipolar."

"Kinda? I guess? Maybe? We probably need a professional's opinion."

"We do have Ino."

"A professional that isn't eager to stab me. Seriously, what's with that?"

"She had to leave for the mission just before her birthday, which in turn was shortly before our anniversary. Both of which are passed now. She had been planning for it for a while too."

"Ah shit. No wonder she's tweaked. You must be put out too."

"In more ways than one. Thanks, by the way." Chouji's tone was as dry as the desert around Suna.

"Hey hey. I didn't know. You know I wouldn't purposefully interrupt something like that… in fact…"

"Why do I feel like I'm going to want to hurt you more soon instead of less?" Chouji sighed as Naruto dove into his pockets and started going through a sealing scroll.

"No. No. Only got one of those. Too expensive. Not worth it… oh. This'll work." Stopping at a certain point, Naruto barely flickered some chakra into the paper and pulled out a thick strip of leather… with holes… and strings…

"What."

"Yep."

"No."

"Come on."

"Let me change my answer then. Fuck no." His voice had as much weight as he did.

"Just take it." Naruto's voice was as flighty and illogical as the wind.

Chouji shook his head, his face pale. "Naruto, there's a limit to what I can stomach, and I'm an Akimichi. I seriously can't go through with you apologizing to me with a… with a gimp mask."

"I know, its overkill and far too expensive for what the situation, but I'm just generous like that. Plus I have two others." Naruto clearly missed the point.

"Just put it away. Please." Chouji covered his face in embarrassment. He didn't want to know if the cloth was for Hinata or Naruto's use. Some things were better left unknown.

"Take it. Ino will react the same at first, but this is high quality material. Seriously, touch it. It's soft as hell." Naruto swayed the black fabric in front of the very uncomfortable Akimichi. "The fancy girl that likes expensive and exotic things in her will win over in the end. You know it will. Plus, the shit is made for sensors in mind."

That last bit had Chouji's attention against his better judgement. "Say again?"

The blonde pointed out small faded etchings into the leather. "Seals are embedded throughout the entire thing. Plus the fabric is made out of the skin of this weird exotic animal with a slew of natural resistances. It completely locks down a sensor's abilities. It even locks down Presence up to a certain level. You know about sensory deprivation right? Well what they don't tell you is that the effect skyrockets if you also take out a sensor's extra skills. A little bit of decent foreplay with this on will have almost any sensor thirsty like they've been lost in the Land of Wind for a month. This is top quality shit I'm giving you."

Crap. Now he was tempted to take it, if only to sate his curiosity. "Naruto, Ino's adventurous but she isn't into the hardcore stuff…"

"Bull," Naruto coughed under his breath.

"… And she'll definitely ask questions if I'm the one that whips this thing out." Chouji finished, ignoring his friend's accusation.

"Then tell her I gave it to you. That I will genuinely bet she'll get off using it the first time. And that if she makes a big deal about it without trying, Hinata will find out that she has one of my gifts to her. I'm willing to make the sacrifice."

It was dead quiet between the two. Chouji glared at his friend with a face of stone, and snatched the mask in the span of a blink and tucked it away in his clothes. "You're evil. You are a horrible, spiteful little bastard that corrupts any and everyone around you just by talking and being there."

"I'm insane. That's why you came to check on me in the first place." Naruto corrected firmly before pausing and going back to the scroll. "Shit. Wait. Hold on. You're a novice when it comes to this stuff. I need to give you instructions on how to take care of the mask for the long run. Proper washing and maintenance and stuff like that."

"Hurry up. I want to pretend this never happened." How had this happened? Seriously. How? He had come here to be a nice guy helping a friend deal with a stressful situation and mental issues, and it ended with him getting a hardcore bondage mask for his girlfriend complete with instructions. At what part does this make sense?

"Yeah yeah. Scrub." Naruto sighed, taking out a piece of paper and handing off to his friend. "Anything else you want to get off your chest?"

"You suck and I hope Hinata breaks your dick with her fantasies." Chouji was completely expressionless when he said that.

"If only that would work. Then I'd be able to stop when it happens. Fucking high speed regeneration." He had heard stories of guys that had natural regenerative abilities and high stamina get in over their heads with women suffering from absurd libidos. Those were stories that had even Ghost trembling in horror at night.

"My condolences." Chouji didn't sound the least bit apologetic. "You know, me going along with this isn't going to help you deal with your condition."

"No. But it will give me something to smile and laugh about." The mischievous grin on Naruto's face waned into something more bitter and forced. "And we're all going to need some more of that sooner rather than later."

The heat and aggression in Chouji's body died slowly. "It's really that bad, huh? When are you leaving?"

The corners of Naruto's mouth twitched in amusement. He and team seven had not told anyone that he was leaving alone, but Chouji had guessed it almost instinctively. "Shikamaru's rubbed off on you. Tomorrow, most likely. Preparations and all that. Gotta get my arms fixed up enough for my regeneration to finish the rest correctly."

"You sure it's safe to do all this yourself?"

"I'll have backup. It just can't be with anyone here. It will be… sticky."

Chouji frowned. Politics then. Naruto was going to be somewhere he shouldn't, and no one is supposed to know he was going in the first place. Hell, even knowing as much as he did now put Naruto's plan at risk. "That makes me more uneasy. You and delicate situations don't mix."

"It's delicate yeah. The event itself though…" Naruto shook his head and sighed. "Let's put it this way. I'm somewhat glad you guys aren't coming with me on this. I can't use Sage Mode or Kurama's power…"

The air around them suddenly grew ominous, and Chouji could hear a menacing growl echo around him. Thousands of blades in the guise of gentle caresses of air brushed against his skin. The blonde teen in front of him had not changed in size or shape, but he seemed to stick out more than anything else there, as if the world itself was less important than his existence.

"… But at least this way, I don't have to risk being a team killing fucktard when I let my displeasure known."

o. o. o.

The Council Room:

"So, to summarize…" Shikaku breathed out slowly, never taking his eyes off of the unnaturally calm and collected woman standing on the floor. "You are an old acquaintance of the Oogakari, in the vaguest of terms. You were exploring the area with a slew of other travelers without knowing that they were here, split up from them, found Scabbard and crashed at his place, during which his resources found Hana's triplets and discovered that Hana and Anko were in trouble. Instead of telling us, Scabbard instead decided to find them using only his resources, which he did. In Iwa."

"According to the maps I was shown." Sylvia shrugged. "I'm not that familiar with the country borders or names here."

"However, apparently, Anko was mortally wounded before he got to them, which caused Ghost to, for lack of a better term, actually give a damn, and pull out a whole slew of forbidden techniques that apparently terrifies anyone that knows its mechanics." Shikaku continued.

He knew better than to question it when the woman claimed that Anko had only been heavily injured and not killed. No one that had been with the Oogakari that afternoon bought it, but that explanation would go better with the public than the idea that the man had brought Anko back from the dead.

Back from the dead. A shiver went down his spine at the thought of it. As if they weren't haunted enough by the memories of Edo Tensei and it being used by Orochimaru.

"Mechanics that you won't tell us." Danzo leered at the stranger with his visible eye, to no avail.

"Nope. Because I know better." She smiled genuinely, much to the ire of everyone in the room that was more than interested in the story.

"Drop it Danzo. If she's anything like them, then there's no point in trying to squeeze information out that she doesn't intend to give. Unless you want another udon and motor oil incident." Tsunade sighed, already feeling a headache coming. All things considered, this woman, Sylvia, was far more polite and concise than the Oogakari. She rarely went off on random tangents, was polite, and acted maturely. If anything she was the complete opposite of them in behavior.

However, it didn't change the fact that she still found ways to irk them in small, insignificant ways.

Worse was that the irritations she felt boiling seemed to vanish within moments of spawning. It wasn't right. Or natural.

"We can't brush their behavior off this time, Tsunade." The Hawk frowned, not looking away. "Even you reported that Waltz and Shadow were alarmed by Ghost's behavior and reaction to Mitarashi's and Inuzuka's states. Not to mention that he was clearly responsible for Scabbard's and the witness' conditions when they arrived."

"It's not my secret to tell sir." Sylvia politely declined his demand. "Like I stated before, I have a long history with the Family, and I don't have one with you."

"Shadow didn't seem to be particularly thrilled to see you. Neither did Waltz. Please consider us surprised that you seem to hold them in such high regard." Inoichi pointed out, knowing it was going to be brought up sooner or later.

There was no flinch or sign that he had touched a sore spot. Instead, Sylvia's smile only widened. "I never said that we parted ways on good terms."

"And yet you'd stand up for them? Those violent and childish sociopaths?" A civilian frowned, using more aggressive language than what was needed.

"Life is rather peculiar that way, isn't it?" She dismissed the probing without a care. Obviously she had more than a few reasons to keep their secrets, and she wasn't going to budge on her decision to maintain them anytime soon.

"Enough. She has her reasons. We're here to discuss what happened, not play word games with another frustrating foreigner. We waste enough time doing that as it is." Tsunade sighed, looking at her notes. "So, you and Scab found Anko and Hana held in the land of Earth, but at some run down military base and not Iwagakure. Scab went off to get Hana, and while you were with Anko, Ghost showed up enraged, even more so when he found out that Scab didn't tell him that the girls were in trouble to begin with, and you blacked out from his power. And that's all you remember."

"More or less." Sylvia rolled on her feet, completely unaffected by the looks she was getting. She whimsically mused about how ironically appropriate, yet horribly inaccurate the term "blacked out" was for what she had went through.

"So you don't remember what Ghost did to Scabbard?" Chouza shifted uncomfortably. "He looked like he had been put through a tenderizer. I'm surprised he's still alive to be honest."

"Hm? Oh, that?" Syl blinked, as if remembering something minor. "No, that was just Ghost applying a twisted form of time-space manipulation directly to Scab's body. His fingerprints are all over that bit. It contorts the victim's mind, body, and perception of reality for an instant, turning said instant into eternity among other things. It's pretty harsh stuff and even harder to learn how to do safely. Most people wouldn't survive it, let alone come out sane."

Even Shibi Aburame was green by the description of the technique. "And he used such a thing on his brother?"

Sylvia blinked in confusion, tilting her head to the side. "I don't see what the problem is. Even I think that what Scab did this time was cataclysmically stupid and deserved at least that much. He'll be wheelchair bound for a while, but he should be good enough to leave the hospital in a couple of weeks. Oh, that reminds me, how handicap accessible is this village?"

Even Tsunade broke out in a cold sweat this time. "Sylvia. When I examined Scabbard, there was not an inch of him that wasn't tenderized into borderline chopped meat, and his bones were next to powdered dust. Including his spine. It was a miracle that his organs were intact enough to function, or that he had enough functioning nerves left to send signals to said organs. And you are telling me he'll recover from all that so quickly after being assaulted by potentially an eternity of pain from his perspective?"

Sylvia shrugged. "More or less."

"More or less? We doubt he'll ever wake up again, let alone recover. What you're suggesting is insane!" Shizune claimed.

"Exactly. Despite how it looks, Scab is a remarkably fast healer." She pointed out. "Do you know how many experiments he has run on himself over the course of his life? Ghost and the others complain constantly about it, but the four of them combined don't even come close to the number he's racked up on himself. I can't tell you how many times I've accidentally walked in on him with extra appendages sticking out of places they don't belong. And then the jerk has the nerve to pretend that he planned for it to happen. Like anyone ever plans to spontaneously sprout from the top of their head three dozen di-"

"We get the picture." Tsunade cut her off. "We wish we didn't, but now we do. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"At least she's more polite than they are." Chouza sighed, already making plans to drink away the mental images later that night.

"So bottom line is the last thing you recalled before arriving here is being in a military base in Iwa, with Anko injured, and Hana taken somewhere else, Scab trying to get Hana, and Ghost arriving in a blind rage." Tsunade breathed out slowly.

"Last thing I… shit, he didn't, did he?" Sylvia blinked, as if reminded of something before patting down her pockets.

"This isn't good." Shikaku grimaced. "If Iwa finds out about this, it could mean war."

A spark of something shone in Danzo's dull eye. "I'll make the appropriate preparations. Our spies will let us know soon enough what their movements are and…"

"Wait. Wait. Hold up. Damn. Can't believe I forgot to check myself after blacking out." Sylvia cut him off, drawing attention to herself again as she pulled out a piece of paper from her pants pocket. "Looks like Ghost did leave a few notes for us to look at before he left. Lazy guy always makes others do the work for him whenever he can."

"Notes?" Tsume rose a skeptical eyebrow. "He knew that you'd be the one that we would talk to?"

"It says on the top, in case you get exposition duty so you don't fuck things up again." The woman shrugged and turned it around, showing it to everyone word for word she was telling the truth.

"Well at least he has his bases covered." Shizune sighed. "What does it say? More random gibberish and shots at everyone in the room?"

"If he didn't write this when pissed, it probably would. Still a few jabs at some woman named Tsume though, which is surprising."

The Matriarch tried very hard not to distort or mutilate the furniture in her direct reach. "Get to the point."

Knowing now who Tsume was, Sylvia made a note not to irritate the woman further. "Let's see. Bare bones? Ghost doesn't feel like dealing with you right now. He's saved Hana and Anko, mutilated Scab. Thrashed some guy named Deidara, and this part, "if they already found out I went to Iwa", personally…"

Nobody missed the wince. It was a distinct break from the stranger's near perpetual calm façade.

"Personally what? Out with it." Danzo coldly demanded.

"He personally ensured that the vast majority of the population of some place with Iwa would not go out of their way to wage war with Konoha, which I assume is this place." Sylvia finished with a grimace. "And it also says that if they do go back on their word to let him know so he can take care of it… As a person who has known Ghost for quite a while, I can tell you he's really pissed if he actually bothered to ensure something like that. He's normally hands off with this sort of thing, but when he wants something done right, he goes the extra five miles as an extra precaution."

The room was dead silent.

"Is he serious?" Chouza wasn't the only one there breaking out in a cold sweat.

"This must be some sort of joke." One of the civilian members shook his head. "Hokage-sama, all this chaos that we are discussing just supposedly happened not even two hours ago. The only people on the planet that are capable of crossing the distance between here to Iwa that quickly were the Second and the Fourth, and that was only with the help of the Hiraishin."

"Hirai-what?" Sylvia blinked in confusion, being the only one there that wasn't utterly baffled there. "Is that some sort of teleporting spell or technique? Time space manipulation, right? Don't you guys already know that Ghost is capable of that too?"

"He tends to favor his wind techniques in favor of any of that. It's pretty rare that we see him use anything from that branch, not to mention he's been gone from the village for a few years." Shikaku sighed, admitting their oversight. "Although, he's never mentioned or displayed any form of genuine teleportation before. That being said, it is possible…"

"Except he would have to have markers in Iwa in order to teleport to the women so quickly in the first place." Danzo leered at the woman, as if expecting her to talk more.

"Markers…" The woman said the word as if she was testing how it felt saying it. "Hmm. Markers. I mean… it is possible he went there before and you guys didn't know. Ghost does like sneaking off to closed off places just to mess with people. He's kinda like an annoying nosy pet that way except he breaks less things in the process."

She wasn't fooling anyone. Ghost didn't use markers, beacons, flags, or anything of the like to teleport anywhere unless the location he was going to was in an extremely masked or unstable region that made it hard to warp to or needed pinpoint precision.

But then again, the idea of a jackass like Ghost blowing past the Fourth in his field of expertise was something that those with a lower tolerance of the absurd weren't able to handle.

"Enough." Tsunade barked out before anyone could start to panic or let their imaginations run wild. "We are getting nowhere with just speculation and secondhand accounts. Obviously something happened and obviously Iwa is in one way or another involved, otherwise they wouldn't have been brought up in this mess. Danzo, put our border defenses on higher alert, but under no circumstances does that mean we are going to war. If I so much as hear a whisper that we are being overly aggressive and pushing Iwa's buttons, I will execute you, elder be damned."

The wrapped man's frown deepened slightly, but he nodded in compliance regardless.

"Hana, Anko, and Scabbard will be kept under surveillance in the hospital. Once they have woken up, they will be interviewed so we have a better idea of what happened, and explain how they got into such a mess in the first place." The Hokage turned to Tsume. "Have the triplets told you anything?"

"Not much. They can't seem to remember what happened other than the fact that they were ambushed and Hana sent them out to escape to let everyone know what happened." The Inuzuka matriarch grimaced. "Something's messed with their minds. The only thing they could remember was the smell of graveyard soil and being pushed back by something. After that, they were taken in by some individuals in a random town that came across them while they were passed out from their injuries. Coincidence or not, said people were employed by Scabbard in some way, which is apparently how he found out about them."

"It's true." Sylvia confirmed the statement. "When Scab first read the report that they had been found, he dropped everything he had been doing and rushed over to see them. It's not often something alarms him enough to react like that."

"And then he locked them up for days and didn't do a damn thing about the girls." Tsume finished accusingly.

"He thought he could manage things himself, and was admittedly doing a good job for the most part with his connections and resources. My guess is that he was trying to make sure that Ghost didn't find out about it until it was already resolved." Sylvia calmly evaded specifics. "I have no idea what he was planning to do ultimately, but whatever it was, it failed spectacularly. Hence, the cataclysmic fuck up that we are all blaming him for."

"He should be punished for his transgressions. Because of Scabbard Oogakari's lack of action, we may be forced to go to war and two of our top shinobi are in critical care." Danzo declared firmly.

Sylvia turned to Tsunade. "He did listen to you when you told everyone in the room what Ghost did to Scab, right? Timespace based torture is literally one of the harshest things you can do to a person, right next to soul and spiritual torture. More so when the subject has eidetic memory since the experience often lasts an eternity from the victim's perspective. He would remember each and every instant of being trapped in his body as it contorted and twisted in countless miniscule points inside and outside his being."

More than a few faces turned green as she described what the man went through.

"And… he'll recover from that?" Chouza weakly asked.

"Eventually. He's been through worse," The woman crossed her arms and looked at something that wasn't there. "They all have."

"Scabbard's punishment will be decided at a later time," Tsunade spoke before Danzo could retort. "There's no point in beating a dead horse, and it will be some time before he is even awake. We'd just look like idiots trying to look powerful if we tried anything the way he is now. Due to the nature of his condition and the situation, I am declaring that the subject is put on hold until we have more information on the matter. Unless of course, someone has something else to say."

Danzo scowled for a moment, but held his tongue. He had hoped that Tsunade would go with the flow and punish the ground up man, both to put the Oogakari in a tough position and to make the woman look bad, but she wasn't an idiot. How frustrating. Even when those foreign bastards suffer it is played to their advantage.

"If that is all, then you may leave the room, Sylvia-san." Tsunade looked to the stranger with cold eyes. "You will be escorted by two of my shinobi while you are in the village. If you lose them, there will be consequences."

"I'm certain there are." The woman smiled innocently.

Tsunade's eyes narrowed. "Scabbard may be out of commission, but I am certain that some of Crypt's habits can be exploited to serve as a suitable punishment should the need arise."

Sylvia's skin color paled slightly and stared at the Hokage as if seeing her for the first time. "Dear lord. No wonder they want to stay here."

"Wait."

Everyone paused and turned to Danzo, who was looking at the foreigner with a cold unreadable gaze.

The foreigner's eyebrow twitched once. And people wondered why even the strongest beings in existence absolutely loathed exposition duty.

It never. Fucking. Ends.

"Is there something else you wish to discuss? I thought I had already made my decision on the matter." Tsunade frowned.

"On the matter of Inuzuka and Mitarashi, yes, but they were not the only news that came in today, Hokage-sama. Or have you already forgotten that Gai Mighto has been killed in the line of duty?"

Gasps and whispers pervaded the room, primarily from the civilian section. The clan heads on the other hand were glancing at one another worriedly.

"I had hoped to discuss that next, preferably without anyone unrelated to the matter present." Tsunade was clearly annoyed and angry at the accusation.

"And if she isn't unrelated?"

Even Sylvia was caught off guard by his statement. "Care to elaborate? Ever since coming to these lands, I've spent most of my time with Scabbard. The name Gai Mighto doesn't ring a bell at all."

"Even if that was true, that does raise another question." Danzo held his ground. "Did you come here alone?"

The woman's eyes narrowed just a fraction. "I see. So that's why he killed Carmen. The foolish girl. She let herself get involved."

"Judging from your reaction and from earlier, I'm guessing that you came to our lands with that old man and his comrades, and this woman that you're talking about." Shikaku summarized. "But what does this person have to do with Gai?"

"According to Sandaime-sama, his team was attacked by two pairs of Akatsuki. They identified three of them as Hidan the Jashinist, Kakuzu of Taki, and Sasori of Suna, but the fourth was not a person on record. Gai was murdered in the conflict, as was this woman, whose body was sealed with the report." Danzou took out several papers and pictures to pass around. "Crypt Oogakari was the one that killed her."

"Crypt? But Waltz-sama hasn't left the village in months. Why on earth would they let that madman anywhere by himself? Let alone outside the village?" One civilian spoke out confused.

"That is a question I'd like to know the answer to as well." Danzo nodded. "But for the moment, I would rather like to know why this stranger is in our territory to begin with, accompanied by individuals that would warrant even an organization like Akatsuki's attention."

"We were curious about the area. Exploration. Adventure. Treasure hunting. Your pick." Sylvia shrugged. "None of us knew that the Family was here, otherwise we wouldn't have come. Regardless, I separated with the rest of my group as soon as entering these lands and have barely contacted them before today. If you want to ask about her, best go to the boys that came in earlier with me. They were the ones with her. Not me."

She didn't specify that she only talked to them "that one time". Bad things tended to happen if those words were uttered. And considering that the kids she had saved had the same leaf symbols on them as the people here, and the fact that there was that giant spirit fox that knew Presence around, yeah, it was best if she left that out of the conversation. On that note, it would be best to warn the others not to bring up that small incident as well, just in case. Skyler looks like the sort of idiot that would forget to keep his mouth shut.

"Those three men should be in the Oogakari compound. Judging by how they reacted to the situation they should be compliant to our request to talk to them." Shikaku noted.

"Ghost is there too supposedly." Homura spoke for the first time. "We could use the opportunity to call him here as well."

"Not going to happen," Sylvia frowned. "That man is in no mood to pander to anyone at the moment. If he really doesn't want to talk to anyone, he's not going to. Take it from someone that knows just how nasty he can be and has already been smacked around by him today. As if taking the brunt of Shadow's mood swings for the next month isn't going to… be… aaaaaah shit."

"Care to share with us what you've forgotten?" Koharu warily asked. A shiver went down her spine.

A shiver went down all their spines. All at the exact same time. Even those that had no idea what she was talking about suddenly felt uncomfortable and wary. They were all hooked on the woman's words, and couldn't let go.

Scratching her head in frustration, the woman sighed. This was just embarrassing. Normally she was more on the ball when it came to the Family's habits and behavioral patterns, but she had been slipping up almost everywhere today. She really might get killed at this rate. "When Shadow gets back here she's going to raise a huge stink about me being around. She really does want to kill me viciously, not that I can blame her for it. Usually I go to Scab first since he can claim temporary protection of me, and shock her enough times to calm her down, but with him out of commission and the others in a poor mood, my options are limited."

"I hope you don't intend to ask us for aid." Tsunade was somewhat concerned at the idea of anyone angering the Oogakari enough to warrant their genuine wrath. Her heartbeat was slightly faster than normal now. As was everyone else's. It was an extremely unusual reaction. Had she been more aware of her actions, she'd no doubt be questioning it. "We have no obligation to help you in the slightest."

"Hah. No. No, that's fine. Dima can do the job. I'm just angry at myself for forgetting about it. I have to leave soon though to let him know that Shadow's going to be coming on a warpath. He can calm her down. Sorry, but I'm going to have to leave you now or else she might get back before I warn him."

"He's that strong?" Tsume arced an eyebrow.

Sylvia walked to the doorway. Not a single person in the room saw anything wrong with the fact that she was essentially excusing herself without permission. They were all wary of what Shadow was going to do. Their bodies were slightly sweating, and minds unsettled, but not overly so. It was a reasonable reaction when speaking of the activities of Shadow Oogakari, but at the same time not one that spawned from vague warnings of their actions.

It wasn't until much later that several of the more seasoned individuals in the council realized that something had been amiss.

"Flashbang Dimitri. He's considered a seasoned veteran in many circles and has survived enough hellish environments that he deserves the recognition. Technically speaking, he is nowhere near as powerful as Shadow or the rest of her immediate family, but like myself he shares a long history with them. He knows how to handle them if he has to. Especially her."

o. o. o.

Ghost opened the door to the basement and entered the living room of his home. His posture was slouched. His face was droopy. He was constantly groaning.

He was not in a good mood.

"Hey, old man. We let ourselves in while you were doing your thing." Dima didn't bother to look back as he casually flipped through channels on the television. Next to him, Skyler and Specks were having trouble deciding on whether to look horrified at the speaker or at him.

"Unnnnnngh. Damn it Dima. Why can't you just be here to kill me like you normally do?" Ghost moaned in annoyance, slamming his head against the wall. He had forgotten all about the group being over in the midst of his feedback. Great, now he had to play host. It was going to be impossible to get any form of rest now.

"Because making you suffer is significantly easier." The geezer didn't miss a beat, flipping through channels. "What channel is Scab's HBO? I've been slacking in the latest version of Game of Thrones that everyone is following. Our Jon and Arya are getting lambasted by the boys on the link chats because of it and I'm missing out on the fun."

"Five five five six." The immortal sighed before slowly meandering to the kitchen. "Well I'm not getting any fucking sleep any time soon. You want something to drink? Coffee? Tea? Booze? Water? Antifreeze? Ox piss?"

"Ox piss?" Skyler mouthed to the others in horrified confusion. He had heard and seen some weird things across the multiverse, but that was a new one.

"Don't ask. Long story." The leader sighed. "Tea. I can't handle coffee like I used to."

"Whatever you say Sparkles." Ghost shrugged. "And for your minions?"

"W-water please." Specks shivered, unwilling to look in the man's direction.

"Same here." Skyler nodded quickly, uncomfortable with being even close to one of the most notorious individuals in the multiverse.

"Scrubs." Ghost went into the fridge. "Where did you find those two? You can do way better than them."

"I'm the tag along." The old man input the channel number, nodding to Specs. "This one's my grandson. I owed him a favor, and Syl owed me one, but look where that landed us in the end. Carmen's dead and we stumbled on you when you're tweaked as hell."

"Grandson?" Ghost looked across the room and examined Specks as if seeing him for the first time as he came with the drinks. "… Huh. The resemblance is uncanny now that you mention it."

"Brat's weak as all get out, but he's a Reader so he's not useless." Dima leaned back in his seat and took the tea. "Thanks."

"A Reader? No kidding?" Ghost arced an eyebrow. Readers were individuals who had a peculiar tweak to their Presences that enabled them to essentially read and delve into anything and everything they looked at. Past. Present. Fate. Occasional Future. Status. Emotions. Abilities. Thoughts. Genetics. Plans. Skills. Physical structure. Composition. There was next to nothing that could be hidden from them. Hyuugas would absolutely shit themselves if they knew how outclassed they were. Technically they could "read" through any sense available, but visual based ones were the most proficient and common.

They were also rare, always in demand, and had a tendency to go insane from information overload if not trained properly in time. Rumor had it that they could even imitate abilities similar to the Mystic Eyes of Death Perception if pushed into a corner, which only fueled the insanity bit.

"Yes. Grandad helped train me early when we realized what I was. Thank you." Specks nodded while accepting the water, still looking away from Ghost. He didn't even want to know what sort of history and nature the host of the building had. He knew better than to test his luck.

"Mmm." Skyler didn't say anything as he received his drink as well.

"You look like shit." Dima took a sip from his tea. Normally he'd test it for poison or some sort of cruel prank, but neither of them were really in the mood for such trivialities right now. "I take it this one was pretty bad."

"Yeah. I played that annoying fucking game I made up on an entire city. The stubborn weaklings lasted five rounds before they finally gave up. They were tearing one another to pieces before they got the damn point." Ghost grunted, sinking into another couch and began drinking from his beer bottle.

The old man winced. He had been present a few times for said game. It really did a number on the psyche of those who weren't prepared for what it entailed. "Owch. You really don't give an inch of mercy when you're tweaked, do you?"

"I have none for idiots that can't see past their pride." Ghost grunted, taking another sip of his drink. "You remember what happened when we decided to be lenient to those that didn't deserve it, don't you?"

Dima paused for only a moment before giving the man a cold look that did not even come close to showing the rage that had been stirred. "Don't you even dare accuse me of ever forgetting that day."

"Just proving a point. Brat." Ghost shrugged off the threat without a care. On the television screen, the show that Dima wanted to watch started to play. "I see why Jon's pissed about this version. His dick's nowhere near that small."

"No kidding. No wonder he's been in such a poor mood lately." Before they could further comment on their friend's counterpart being exploited for laughs, the screen paused and a name showed up on the top left side. "Huh. Luffy's calling. Not often he reaches out to others."

The immortal sighed, knowing that his aching head was going to be bombarded with stupid regardless of whether he wanted it or not. "Put him through. He'll just keep calling and sending awkward messages until someone picks up."

With a push of a button, the screen changed from poorly masked softcore porn to the sight of the deck of a large ship and a widely smiling, muscular, black haired man in his early thirties wearing a straw hat. "Yo! Sup Ghost?"

"Nursing a feedback. I know it's not going to happen, but please keep the shouting to a minimum." Ghost sighed. "Why are you calling? Did some asshat marine try to usurp Koby again?"

"Shishishi. Nah. He's still sitting in charge as the Fleet Admiral and keeping everyone in line." The current pirate king chuckled. His posture was poor. His expression was childish. His words were lax. Yet everything about the man seemed to hold an unnatural amount of weight that seemed to immediately convince any and every person watching him that he was significantly important in some fundamental way. The most unnatural thing about this bizarre trait of the man was that it seemed completely natural to him, as though he didn't even notice that he was doing it in the first place. A King's disposition if there was one. His black eyes scanned the room in front of him before noticing the others there. "Huh? Oh! Dima! What's up? I didn't know you were visiting."

"It wasn't willingly. Complete accident and shit luck. The usual." The old man waved a hand. "Is Kizaru still behaving? I can always come over and waste him again if you need the extra firepower. Presence or not, he can still move at light speed."

"Nah. That guy is still doing his job right and talking like an old woman. I never really got used to that to be honest. A bit creepy really." Luffy waved the offer. "Besides, the ship is getting pretty crowded. Harry's here on vacation with some of his family. That wife of his, Luna, is hilarious. You wouldn't believe the conversations she's been having with Usopp. I can't tell if they are trying to outdo the other's stories or try to make sense of them. Last I saw them they were trying to see whose monster army would win a deathbattle."

"And just like that my headache has gone to new levels." Ghost got up and went to the kitchen. "Knew I shout have gotten the stronger stuff. Oh, and Luna would win regardless. That girl naturally sees into the beyond. You can't make up the shit she sees on a daily basis."

"That's exactly what Nami said too." Luffy tilted his head in confusion.

"I'm not surprised. I feel sorry for half the species that live on the Grand Line with her there. Tell Sanji to keep fruit away from that one. Knowing her, she could be eating a random snack and have it turn into a devil fruit just before eating one." Dima shook his head before turning to his utterly bewildered companions. "You two. Wake up. Say hi for fucks sakes. You're not children."

"The Family's Strawhat Luffy." Skyler didn't blink. "The King Whose Reach Spans the World."

"The Family's Harry Potter." Specks went on. "He Whose Craft Is All."

"Holy Shit." The two shivered in unison. It wasn't often that one was casually introduced to such big names.

"What am I, second rate? I'm bigger than they are." Dimitri grumbled petulantly.

"No, you're not." The younger two said at once.

"Shishishi. You guys are hilarious." Luffy snickered, clearly amused by their reactions.

Ghost held back a smirk as he filtered through the drinks.

"Hey Luffy. You get through yet?" A handsome black haired British man that looked to be in his early thirties with powerful glowing green eyes somewhat similar to Scab's walked into the image. "Huh? Dima? Why are you there?"

"Long story. Lots of fuck ups. Standard Charlie Foxtrot. Can we move on?" The old man groaned.

"Hey kid." Ghost came back into view with some scotch in hand. "Just getting myself plastered. Long day. You doing better than me?"

"I'm on vacation and Luffy owed me a favor." Harry smirked lazily. "Luna, Daph, and their latest kids are with me on the ship. Chopper and Franky are a blessing for babysitting, and Daph and Robin are somewhere reading in quiet. Bright skies. Beautiful water. Tons of abnormal creatures to keep Luna happy. It's pretty good here."

"Not a full family break?" Ghost raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"Hermione had some extra work to do unfortunately and couldn't make it, and the twins are still in college finishing their final projects. They wanted to come, but I'll have to make it up to them later." Harry shrugged. "Speaking of a complete mess, how's Naruto doing?"

"Buried me under half a ton of Panda Express the second we got here and bailed to be off on his own. It's been a complete shitstorm since we got back." It really was. Things were going all over the place in this world, and while he was normally entertained by it all, having Anko and Hana being dead center of some of it was not something that thrilled him.

"Oh yeah! You get all weepy when you're near that stuff! I forgot! Shishsi." Luffy laughed without hesitation. "Sanji used to keep boxes of it around the kitchen whenever he wanted to keep you out and cook by himself!"

"Can't say you don't deserve it. You are the sort of bastard that would kidnap babies after all." Harry smirked.

"I saw a free baby and I took it! It's called being economical!" Ghost snapped.

"Taking babies without permission is not a financially wise decision anywhere!" Harry countered instantly. It was clear that this wasn't the first time they had had this conversation.

"In some countries, it is!" A flighty and whimsical voice joined the argument from off screen.

"Not now Luna!" Harry called out to his wife.

"I'm contributing to the conversation!"

"Can we please not talk about the financial benefits of kidnapping children on a ship where children are present?" A heavily scarred and middle aged looking Zoro walked past the screen with a giant bottle of beer that was the size of his torso with an expression that said he could care less about what was going on. "We don't want to give Nami any ideas. Hey Ghost. Hey Dima."

"Hey Zoro. I didn't see you complain about it." Ghost greeted the swordsman before shooting a look at Harry.

"Hey Zoro. And this is why I tend to stay away from my fellow Family members whenever possible." Dima sighed dejectedly.

"I did!" The man threw his hands up in the air in exasperation. "All the time! Since I was four! You're a nightmare around developing children! I mean that's not even including that entire mess with Issei…"

"Oi OI!" Ghost snapped, good mood quickly gone. Clearly Harry crossed a line. "I'm a sadistic mess yeah, but you know better than to blame that on me. We both know that there is no way in hell I would have allowed that shit to get as bad as it did if I actually had a say in what was going on. For fucks sake man, he was just thirteen when all that happened to him! There's being an asshole, and then there's just being a pointlessly cruel rabid dog that needs to be put down."

"You went over the line there Harry." Dima agreed with a frown. "We both know that Ghost would never go that far for a cheap laugh and to spice up a story. What Issei went through was beyond what any of us would permit, much less Ghost. Even I admit that he wasn't in a situation where he could do much."

"Issei?" Luffy was the only one that wasn't tweaked by the subject. He tilted his head to the side in thought. "Wasn't he that dragon guy that joined the Family recently with the huge harem that's more obsessed with women than Sanji? Always writing down notes and giving women health advice like he's a doctor? Was what he went through really that bad? I mean, most of us have pretty messed up stories in one way or another, so he shouldn't be that different."

Harry looked at Ghost with an unreadable gaze. "Later Luffy. It'll take a while and it's not something we should talk about on a decent day like this."

"Talk about it when I'm not around." Ghost grumbled, downing his third shot and refilled his glass. "Fucking hell. No matter where I am everyone's always blaming me for their shit just because I was in the area at the time. No wonder Gods prefer to do their work via butterfly effect and pretend they had nothing to do with anything. Just because I was in the area doesn't mean I'm influencing everything and their mothers for some stupid plan or idea. Bitch bitch bitch. That's what everyone loves doing to me. Try to be friendly and show off a wee bit of power and all of a sudden you're the one responsible for all of life's problems."

Luffy blinked a few times as he registered just how quickly Ghost was drinking hard alcohol. "Uh. Ghost? Is something up? You're hitting that stuff harder than normal."

"And people wonder why I'm an asshole all the time! Fucking ungrateful morons!" Ghost shouted to no one in particular.

"Syl's here. Mix that with the fact that my group here's accidentally started some shit… and he just had a feedback. He's been on damage control for a bit." Dima shrugged. "Like I said, it's been a long day for him."

Harry and Luffy winced. Putting Sylvia and Shadow in the same area for any amount of time was bound to cause headaches regardless of the circumstances.

"Look." Harry spoke up first, his tone tamer than before. "I'm just calling to catch up on things. I haven't talked to Ghost in a while, and I've heard all sorts of concerning rumors regarding Naruto."

"Land's End is standard procedure! There is nothing abnormal about that!" Ghost slurred, his face already flushed. Immortal or not, he was a very skinny man with a somewhat light alcohol tolerance if he wasn't careful.

"Land's End is a nightmare that only you consider harmless." Harry deadpanned. "I'm talking about the other rumors."

"I consider his trips outside of our multiverse to be enlightening and fulfilling cultural experiences."

"If you consider being crushed and having his head half obliterated by an Elder God Shinigami to be fulfilling. Even you couldn't completely negate all the influence from that second one without risking something." Harry continued with his inquisition.

"Chicks dig scars. Having one that covers his whole head and still leave him with his looks should be something to brag about." Ghost pouted.

"Wait. That story about the kid going to other greater territories was true?" Dima blinked. "I thought that was just part of the normal slew of bullshit gossip that people make up about you when you're screwing with someone new."

"As interesting as they are, those weren't the ones I was focusing on." Harry tried to steer things into the right direction, again. "I'm talking about the ones that affected the kid more intimately."

"Alma Elma and Tamamao were completely appropriate teachers for sexual arts!"

"What the… No. On many levels that are and are not known, those two aren't. Not for virgins. Not for normal humans. And not for the remotely sane." Harry disagreed viciously. "I wouldn't be surprised if the poor kid's been ruined for life as far as sex is concerned. Or scared shitless of it. At least one of the two."

"Oooh! That reminds me! I haven't talked to Tammy or Almy in so long! I have dibs on the communicator next!" Luna squealed from off screen.

"Normal humans eh?" Dima gave Harry a knowing look.

"My dick still works." Harry curtly shot back accusingly.

"It's true!" Luna confirmed off screen happily.

"WHO TOLD YOU!?" Dima roared in defiance.

"Hah! You really are a Flashbang now! All show and no guk?!" Ghost's chiding was interrupted by a jab to his throat at lightspeed that left his neck caved in.

"Did he just…" Skyler blinked, unable to process that Dima just cheapshotted the God of None.

"You get used to it." Harry, Dima, and several people off screen said at once. Luffy, on the other hand, was too busy laughing to say anything.

"LOOK!" Harry snapped, trying to get back on topic. "Ghost! Bottom line! Is it true about what happened to Naruto here in Luffy's territory!?"

Ghost stiffened, and his choking stopped instantly.

Dima got a chill down his spine. Something wasn't right.

Luffy… was pretending to look innocent and whistling.

"… Depends what you're talking about. The brat's a magnet for trouble. That mess he and the fox started with Kaido was pretty nasty…" Ghost calmly went on a tangent, but was cut short.

"Is. It. True?" Harry's green eyes lit up with power. Power that seemed to pass through the screen and begin to warp the room in another world.

Ghost didn't say anything. He simply frowned, poured himself another shot. And downed it in a single go. "… Damn it Luffy. I told you to keep your mouth shut. You're normally better when it comes to important shit like this."

"I told him it wasn't your fault. You were gone for weeks helping out some of the others and doing other Godly stuff when it happened. And it's not like we think you actually tried to teach him how to do it in the first place. You're better than that." Luffy shifted about uncomfortably as if he was a kid that had his hand caught in a cookie jar.

"Fuck the idiot." The Wizard snapped, getting an annoyed look from his host. "Accident or not, I don't care how it happened in the first place. What the hell are you doing leaving Naruto alone in his condition? The kid needs help, badly, and you know it. It takes years if not decades for even experienced travelers to remotely recover from-"

"I KNOW." Ghost cut him off irritably before calming down. "I know. Naruto isn't aware, but I altered his perception of time and growth rate a bit and had him with me for an extra three years in an altered region to help give him a bit of extra treatment, but the kid's still in a twisted state. He already had his parent's souls in his head, plus a fraction of the spirit of his planet in there too, so it's not like he ever had he had a shot at being sane. But, he's trained as a bloody sage before we even met and his ability to harmonize with the energies around him is top class. Mix that with the Seventh Sense and he's essentially been instinctively using the world around him and the entities inside his soul to partially stabilize himself inside and out for years now."

"Huh. No wonder he managed to pull himself back together in the first place." Luffy crossed his arms in thought. "Everyone else that's managed to get that far on accident has fallen apart almost instantly. As expected of a sage and a ninja. He's way better than Raizo."

"Everyone's better than Raizo! Even Yamcha!" Luna shouted from off screen.

"Who's Raizo?" Skyler whispered to Specks, only to get a shrug in return.

"He's a whole mess of things, and many of them are why he actually managed to pull it off in the first place and is still with us now. Normal treatment won't work on him. It's why I let him run off to do his own thing when we got back. This is his territory. The world itself is stabilizing him in a way that people, that we, can't. His girlfriend has a good effect on him too. I've seen it myself. She stabilizes him. Calms him. He's progressed more with her in a week than he has with me in half a year when I actually tried to help."

Harry didn't say anything for several long moments. "… Do the others know? That he's learned…"

"They know I went overboard, which is true, and until things calm down it's going to stay that way." Ghost grunted with a final tone. "Enough shit is falling apart here as it is. Throwing more fuel on the fire isn't going to help anyone."

And with that, the door burst open to throw more fuel on the fire.

"Dima! Move your ass! We're idiots! Shadow duty!" Sylvia shouted quickly as she moved through the building before pausing and seeing everyone in the living room. "Oh. Hey Harry. Hey Luffy."

"How did she get past the defenses?" Ghost blinked in confusion, completely unfazed by the woman's warning unlike everyone else there. "Wait. Shit. Forgot. It's Syl. In that case…"

WHAM! The man slammed his head onto the table that was present in all living rooms that existed in every moderately set up home in the multiverse. "… And I just realized that I did that with a raging migraine. I'm an idiot. Ow."

"Fuuuuuuuck." The old man groaned in childish lamentation, realizing just what the newcomer was getting at. With a bit of effort, he downed the rest of his still hot tea as fast as he could before standing up and going to the door. "I'll be back. It might be with Shadow so everyone pucker up your cheeks."

"They've yet to be unpuckered since yesterday." Syl patted him on the back sympathetically.

"No wonder Scab likes her." Luffy nodded, as if coming to the right conclusion, only for everyone to stare at him confused. "What? I thought everyone knew that Scab's an ass man."

"I did!" Luna shouted off screen.

It was only with decades of patience and experience dealing with his wife that Harry didn't react to that statement outside of giving her a barren dry look off screen.

"I thought he was just an ass!" Zoro added his two cents to the conversation also from off screen, joined by several additional voices of agreement from other members of the crew.

"You two. Join him and follow the shmucks that tailed me here that think they're being stealthy. The standard group of old crones in this village want to talk to you next and I've been stuck with exposition duty for the past five hours." Sylvia kicked Specks and Skyler. "Standard procedure. Be vague as hell and don't say more about the Family other than Ghost is scary as hell when pissed. Don't bring up that encounter you had with the brats and the fox a couple of weeks ago, either. Also, the old creep wrapped in bandages is hiding a hypnotic eye so be on guard for that. He focuses on subtle compulsions so think before you speak. Ass tried to make me slip several times already."

"And keep your mouths shut about we were talking about earlier." Ghost grumbled as the two weakest people there sighed and got up to follow Dima. Both of them had already accepted the fact that they were no longer in control of their actions or the situation around them, and they had no one else to blame but themselves for it. "You know, I was wondering why the Fox was acting up back then."

Harry sighed as he watched the people on the other side of the screen leave the room. "I really hope you know what you're doing Ghost. A lot of people are not going to be happy when they learn of this."

"Well it's not as if many people like me to begin with so I guess I'm going to remain at status quo for the time being." The immortal petulantly sulked before pausing. Clearly something caught his attention. "We'll talk about how I'm a screw up later Harry. I got things to do. Enjoy your break."

"… Fine, but you really do need to help Naruto out soon. Hands off approach or not, there are some things that we can't simply ignore." The Wizard relented before giving a half assed wave. "Later, old man."

"Later guys!" Luffy waved with a wide grin, not at all affected by the tense situation.

"Bye Ghost! Say hi to your family and the women you're in love with for me!" Luna added, again from off screen.

"Wait… WHAT?!" Both Luffy and Harry's expressions turned into an amalgamation of shock, horror, alarm, surprise, terror, and bewilderment just as the call ended, complete with their heads warped to show huge bug eyes with tiny pupils, giant mouths with sharp teeth, and pale complexions.

Ghost made sure to have the screen capture a photo of said image just before the connection was cut off.

"You know, I never did figure out how that girl does that. We naturally make ourselves impossible to read via cognitive abilities and she still nails everyone down instantly without effort." Sylvia sat down onto the spot that Dima had been in less than a minute before.

"We probably don't want to. Girl's more tweaked than us in some ways."

"Probably." She agreed, knowing that there was plenty out there that she wished she never knew. She glanced at the whisky bottle a short distance from his head. "Hitting that hard enough?"

"I aaaaammmm very drunk." He slurred, getting up slowly. "And I am gonna go somewhere to do… stuff. You stay here and… don't… do… stuff, I guess."

"I'm all out of stuff for the moment." Sylvia sighed, leaning back and getting comfortable.

There was no one else in the room but her.

"Good luck. You of all people deserve it every once in a while." She muttered, picking up the remote and turning the tv back to the show it was playing.

"… Now that's just inaccurate. Jon's dick is nowhere near that small."

o. o. o.

It had been almost two hours since Waltz and his assistants had finished examining, operating on, and treating Hana and Anko. Despite the girls' worrying conditions, nothing they had couldn't be treated. As expected of two of the most promising young kunoichi in the village, they had managed to control things enough that their wounds had a minimal chance of being infected and a maximum chance of healing easily, even in the middle of a fight.

Their bones were broken cleanly. They had subtly disinfected their cuts and scrapes without arousing suspicion from their captors. Any poisons they had ingested were either nullified by their already enhanced immune systems, or treated as soon as symptoms showed. None of their organs were permanently damaged, though it would take time to return them to full health.

All they needed now was rest.

As usual, Waltz could have healed them to full health almost instantly, but in order to not cause more people to ask more questions, and there was enough of that going around at the moment already, he lowered his performance to that slightly around Tsunade's level. It was still quality work, just time consuming.

They were guarded by a squad of ANBU on the top floor of the village Hospital, in an area that was specifically designated for high profile patients. The pair were in the same room, linked to several pieces of equipment, steadily beeping and monitoring their conditions.

The door opened to reveal a nurse with several pieces of equipment and chemicals. She had all the proper paperwork to enter the room, and was one of the most common faces in the hospital. Her face. Her attire. Her bodyframe. Her looks. Everything about her was unremarkable. She didn't have the disposition of anything other than a nurse, with a kind smile to match.

She stopped next to Anko first and casually prepared the first shot that was to be administered…

… And froze.

In the middle of the room, sitting on a chair backwards, leaning on his crossed arms on the back with an impassive face was Ghost. He was in a place that she could not have missed upon entering, so he should have entered after she did… but she didn't see or hear anything to indicate that he had done so, and despite his connections he shouldn't have gained access to the room, let alone get past the ANBU without finding out in some way.

He didn't say anything. He didn't smile. He didn't frown. He didn't flail about or make any rude gestures. He didn't do anything that was expected of his childish personality.

He just sat there, with the shadows behind him encroaching his frame in such a way that, for a few moments, made it so the only things visible on his face were the unnaturally bright reflections of light off of his sunglasses.

Those unnatural reflections sent chills down her spine. Suddenly, every part of the relatively small room felt like an eternity away. Everything became hyper focused as her fight or flight instincts kicked in for no visible reason at all.

There was no escape.

The woman flicked her hand to launch the kunai that she always had on her, opened her mouth to scream an▄▄▄████

Ghost sat in the room that had only himself, Hana, and Anko in it. No woman had entered it recently, passing by the ANBU guarding the door. No plant of ROOT had attempted to sabotage the girls' recovery. No one had noticed or seen anything wrong outside until someone just realized that there were bloody chunks and irregular smears decorating the main driveway of the hospital.

"Hngh." Anko groaned as she scrunched up her face and slowly woke up. "What the... my aching head."

"Anko?" Hana croaked feebly as she came to as well. "You… you're alive?"

"If this is what being alive is, kill me." The snake summoner hurt all over. So much so that it took her a few moments to realize that she was not in a dungeon, surrounded by enemies, or smelling nothing but putrid odors. "Wait. Where…?"

"Welcome back home." Ghost greeted them, not moving at all from his seat.

"Ghost? Home?" Hana blinked, slowly becoming more aware of the world around her. She smelled clean sheets and medicine. The view outside the window was one that she was intimately familiar with after years of working at the Hospital. "We… we're in Konoha?"

"What the hell happened?" Anko looked at herself and noticed that she was covered in bandages, making it hard to move. "I remember that asshole Deidara and that guy with the one-eyed mask. Then that man covered in makeup trying to get me to talk. Then blowing up and dying, but then Ghost, and Scab, and this weird woman behind them…"

"Scab was supposedly finally getting off his ass to get you two when you died. I felt it, and was extremely… displeased." There was not a hint of aggressiveness in Ghost's tone, but it did nothing to hide the ominous aura hovering around him.

"W-we were in Iwa." Hana swallowed heavily. "Deidara had me. He was trying to start something. I saw the Tsuchikage and everything. How did we get out? Is there going to be war?"

"Don't worry. I took care of it." He was impossibly aloof about the situation. "I was pretty clear about what the repercussions would be should if they did decide to go through with anything stupid. I make an effort to avoid being the reason why countless people ruin their lives pointlessly. I hate being put in the same category as such meaningless trivialities."

The girls didn't say anything. They couldn't. Instinctively they knew that a side of the man had been unleashed that was far more terrifying than anything that supposedly existed in the Elemental Nations.

One that had emerged because of them.

"… Sorry."

The words were from an old man. One that didn't regret his actions, but what had led up to them. The words came out easily, but the weight behind them were deceptively heavy.

He went on. "Because of how I carry myself normally, I tend to give people space when they're off doing their own thing and a good distance away. To give them a break of, well, me. My entire family does it. We're not oblivious to the stress we put on others due to our behavior. I mean, I obviously had a reason to see you guys, but halfway across the continent? No one would buy my excuses for just up and going to see you that far away, and people would get ideas if I did."

"No one buys the excuses you have for half the things you already do." Anko deadpanned.

The faint echo of a bitter smile briefly flickered on his face before he went on. "You two are strong. I trusted the others to make you strong enough to be next to unstoppable. I trusted you to be just as stupidly overpowered compared to everyone else as the minion by the time we got back. Maybe you are, but because of it I wasn't worried, even when you didn't come back for a while. I thought that you were busy, that me coming over would cause more headaches and make things more complicated than they should. It's happened before so… yeah. I should have been at least a bit more like my normal obnoxious self and checked on you."

The room was uncomfortably quiet as the sun set in the distance.

"Of all the ways we could have gotten back together after three years, it had to be like this." Anko moaned as she let her head fall back onto her pillow. "Exciting and thrilling in all the wrong ways."

"Not even a murder boner." Ghost agreed.

That got a brief, yet painful snort from the two women.

"I don't know about Anko, but I'm… I'm going to need some time after this." Hana sighed reluctantly. "You honestly scared me Ghost. You… I don't even know what that was about. The way you were talking, it was almost as if all this time you've been pretending to be the person we know and underneath you're just…"

"Like someone from ROOT." He summarized her thoughts perfectly.

"From ROOT?" Anko was completely confused.

"… My history and relationship with my first wife is, a mess, to say the least. If you think people don't like me, you've never seen how most react to Nichole. She put women who were absolute cunts by nature to shame almost easily, but she was smart. Terrifyingly smart. Even Scab would never deny how wickedly sharp her mind was, and I don't think anyone despises her more than he does. I won't bore you with the details, but you could say that she's mostly responsible for how I think and act to this day, among other things… but that was only because she was the only one that was able to work with the groundwork. I was a real piece of work back then. A complete mess. I still am one, and it lingers deep down. But, despite all that, I loved her with all my heart all the same."

"And that's what I saw then? That's really you?" Hana warily asked.

Ghost's expression was completely unreadable. "… What you saw was what I really think about most things. I don't care if people see me as an incompetent fool, a savior, a god, or the devil incarnate. I don't care if I am treated like a king or like a slave. I don't care if I'm humiliated and dehumanized. I don't care if someone stabs me in the back for any bloody reason that they use to justify their actions and then takes a shit in my steaming open carcass. I don't care about the people of this world. I don't care about the stability of the Elemental Nations, or the future of the world. I don't care about the men, women, and children that I have never met, that I am not responsible for, and in many cases wish me dead for paltry superficial reasons. I don't want them dead. I don't want them alive. I don't want them to suffer or thrive. I could care less what happens to them, and unlike most humans who have enough empathy to feel compassion or uncertainty if they all died or something unfortunate occurred, I have no qualms being the source of such unfortunate events, or standing by while they take place, because unlike all those other idiots that rarely go out of the house simply because they're cowardly antisocial twats or some other childish reason, I truly mean it when I say I don't care about them. I literally just tortured the entire populace of Iwagakure and the memory is as significant to me as what I had for lunch last Thursday. Everyone there knows my face and voice. Every man, woman, child, and pet there, and despite all that, at the very most I'm annoyed that I had to bother with dealing with them in the first place. The only reason why I left them alive is because it would be a bigger pain in the ass to deal with the fallout if I did."

He didn't put any heat into his words. There was no emotion to them. No pride, or sorrow. He was simply stating facts as if reading from a grocery list.

It honestly terrified the women.

"But I care about you." His tone was only a shade warmer, but that made all the difference. "I care if I, or other people, make your lives easier or harder. I care about you being happy. I care if you're in trouble, hurt, or sad. I just do, and realizing I fucked up in regards to you, realizing what was going to happen to you, brings out the worst in me, just as it's done with my previous wives. I have done horrible, unspeakable things to countless people for my wives without so much as blinking. And, if the situation calls for it, I'd do the same for you two with just as much hesitation. I'm not sorry about it or how that makes me appear to you. It's just the way I am and it's not going to change anytime soon."

At some point the girls had started to cry. They had many reasons for doing so, but all of them originated from the immortal man sitting in front of them.

"Damn it. I thought you hated being romantic." Anko attempted to lighten up the situation.

"I do. I'm terrible at it." He replied honestly. "Best I can do is throw up a massive pity party for myself whenever I fuck up, but that doesn't change the fact that I love the both of you. Three years has done nothing to change that."

"Idiot." Hana shook her head, or at least she tried to since her neck was in a brace. They had known for a long time that he loved them, but it was unlike him to flat out say it without screwing it up or going on a tirade about the subject first. "You're such a colossal jackass Ghost. No wonder you're such a mess. Only an idiot like you would storm a Hidden Village by yourself just for us."

"Storm is… one way of putting it." He contemplated her description of what he did. Technically, there was a massive storm like formation at one point.

"Just shut up and come here." Anko grinned sadly. "We missed you. Welcome back."

The two sides gazed at one another for several long seconds.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"I can't."

"… Eh?"

"I seriously can't walk at the moment." He flatly stated.

Hana got a familiar feeling in her stomach. "Why's that?"

The man was reluctant to answer. "I'm… kinda shitfaced drunk right now. Proper motor functions are beyond me."

"You're what?" That happy smile on Anko's face? Yeah, it was gone now.

"I really went overkill on Iwa. Using my fire triggered an early feedback. Then I had to get both of you all the way from Iwa to Konoha while holding it back, magnifying the effect when it did go off. Mix that with what happened and the bullshit that entailed upon arrival and I needed something to numb my nerves a bit. Or kill them. It's extremely difficult just to not slur while talking right now, let alone with a moderate range of vocabulary. Actually, it still hurts to move, period. Ten shots in two minutes can only do so much, even if I am on the light side. The real buzz only started to kick in halfway on my trip here." He admitted.

"You're serious." Hana gave him a flat look. "You just gave us all of that while intoxicated?"

"Incredibly intoxicated and riding off of the blinding pain of a fresh feedback." He corrected. "If I wasn't already blind, I'd be blind. I don't even know if I'm on the right side of the room. I could be on the ceiling for all I know right now. Hell, I don't even know where I got this chair."

o. o. o.

Konoha Academy:

"WHO TOOK MY CHAIR!?"

Iruka's hope that he would no longer be pranked with Konohamaru and Naruto out of the building were clearly misguided.

o. o. o.

"By medical standards, I'm pretty sure I should be in a coma or suffering from crippling shock right now." He summarized.

As if to prove his point, he began to move his right arm and flex his hand, and did so, but only with a great deal of effort. The limb was trembling with every inch it moved, its motions were sloppy and confused, as though he was trying to figure out the best way to get it to move the way he wanted.

In the end, he gave up on moving it and just let it sag lifelessly next to his body. Even then the women saw it twitching occasionally as if his nerves were firing off without his control.

Hana frowned. "What makes this time different? You've recovered from your powers going out of control much faster than this."

"Like I said, triggering them early and holding back the recoil makes it worse. This one was roughly a hundred times as severe as the one you saw firsthand, give or take." He spoke as though it was someone else's problem; that it didn't matter to him in the slightest. "Far from the worst I've gone through, but still not something I'm exactly thrilled about experiencing again anytime soon. Normally I'd still be back at home and loading myself with pills to try and sleep it off."

"But here you are." Anko sighed, knowingly.

"But here I am." He nodded.

"Idiot." Hana shook her head. She should have expected something like this. This man, he was completely irrational in so many ways. It was infuriating, and it hurt so much that they were the reasons why he was like this. "Go home Ghost. You need to rest more than we do."

His body began to lose its tension, as if he was a puppet that was having its strings cut one by one. "… I haven't been able to sleep for a while."

It was a simple and honest confession, but one that held more weight than most would ever know. For once, there was a hint of weakness to his voice. Of exhaustion beyond what he could handle. From their perspective, it was almost like looking at a toddler that's lost their blanket or favorite stuffed animal that they always go to bed with, quietly begging if he could have it back.

Anko and Hana relented at the confession. Regardless of how open he could be with his opinions, the man was still remarkably childish and closed off about some of the smallest things. Anko smiled gently and broke the silence. "Despite being an overpowered immortal, you're still such a child. We'll come by soon enough. Waltz will give us some leeway and speed things up if we ask."

"The council is pissing up a storm, so you might want to hold off on that for a bit. No one ever wants to deal with them." Ghost warned.

"Ugh. Mom's going to be unbearable." Hana groaned, leaning back and resting on her pillow. "Still, we might as well get it over with sooner rather than later. Then we can continue were we left off…"

"Slow, mutually tame, meticulous sex in the missionary position." Ghost finished off her sentence with finality.

Slowly the words wormed their way into Hana's and Anko's minds. Slowly did they realize what he had just said. Slowly did they picture the scene, and slowly did their faces both drop into expressions of disbelieving and abject horror.

Click. Click.

Click. Click.

"Did… did you just take a picture of us with your glasses?" Anko blinked, mind numb from the horror that had been bestowed upon her.

Unlike before, there was now a tremendous fanged smile on Ghost's face that was almost as evil as it was insane. "Meh-beh."

"… Get the fuck out of our room Ghost."

"Hmhmhm." His shoulders went up and down as he stifled a content, yet uncommonly tame chuckle. It was as if his body had been sapped of most if not all its energy, and he barely had any fight in him left. It just didn't match the gleeful look on his face at all.

In the scant moment where the two women had relaxed their bodies in such a way that he was at the edge of their peripheral vision, the smiling man had blinked out of existence. Chair and all.

"He's such an asshole." Hana groaned, allowing herself to finally be aware of just how aching her body was.

"He's our asshole. For better or for worse."

"Why does he have to make us feel like we're his parents half the time instead of his girlfriends?"

"Because it drives us up the wall and he knows it." Anko looked around the room, finally letting herself to fall into habits developed from years of training. They were clearly in Konoha, and judging from the view outside the window, she had a good idea of what room they in the hospital they were currently in. She couldn't be too sure what time it was seeing as both of them had been prisoners for so long underground that she didn't know what part of the year exactly it was, but she was certain that it was around eight thirty or so given by the sun setting and it looked to be Summer.

The room itself was bland, white and sterile, just as all hospital rooms should be. Her bed was somewhat comfortable to ease the stress of her injuries, but she preferred her own, and she suspected that Hana did as well. Both of them were half encased in casts and wrapping, making them both look rather pathetic… but then again, she felt the part so there wasn't much she could say about it.

Two doors. One to the hallway and one to the bathroom, not that they could reach either at the moment... well they could, but it would hurt like a bitch in the process. A device on their beds for each of them to call for a nurse to tend to their needs, and tell everyone they were awake in the process. And in between them was a small yet robust stand for them and doctors to use to put whatever extra crap they had with them at the moment, just like those two…

Her breathing slowed down. "Hana."

"Mmm?" The Inuzuka mumbled, her eyes already half closed. "What is it? I'm about to fall asleep again."

"The stand between us." She looked at the objects with disbelief, but knew that they were as real as could be.

"The stand? Anko, my neck is in a brace. I can't really look around that much. What's so important about… it?" Hana managed to shift herself enough that she could turn her eyes just far enough to see what had her partner's attention, only to falter mid-sentence.

On the piece of generic furniture were two small, yet very familiar black boxes. Boxes that almost any woman on the planet would recognize instantly.

Underneath them was a small note.

Something to pass the time with, just in case you need to think about it. You don't have to answer yet if you don't want to.

I missed you.

"Such an asshole." Anko smiled, tears going down her face as she settled back into her pillow.

"Bastard didn't even ask us in person." Despite her words, Hana fell back asleep with the widest grin she's had in years.

o. o. o.

Back to the person that actually matters:

"Silence!"

"Naruto we didn't say anything." Sakura deadpanned, already not liking where this was going.

"I was cutting off your bitter and hurtful thoughts. Speaking of which SILENCE again. I looking at you Tenten. You know what you did."

"I know what I'm gonna do too if you keep it up." The Faker grumbled irritably.

"I thought seeing the future was Shion's thing?"

A dozen kunai materialized around Tenten, all aimed at Naruto.

All of the shinobi that had been travelling with Shion were now gathered around the campfire. Taruho was tending to her needs, and Naruto had spawned a small army of clones to take care of security and surveillance in the meanwhile.

"What's with the hat?" Shino looked at the peculiar fuzzy triangular red cap with white trimming and a white ball at the tip that sagged behind the wearer's head.

"I'm in a gift giving mood, have a bulging sack, and tis the season." The blonde grinned before pausing. "Wait… it's June… something's not right…"

For the reader's convenience, this chapter is being released around xmas.

"Naruto, get to the point. Why did you call us here? I thought you wanted your arms to be healed." Sakura rolled her eyes.

Pouting, the blonde crossed said arms. The gesture still hurt a bit, but it was nowhere near painful enough for him to react to it. "What? Since things have been getting hectic lately, I thought it would be better to start giving out all the trinkets and gifts I got everyone on my trips now while things were still somewhat calm."

No one noticed Chouji's face turn abnormally pale at the mention of gifts.

"Trinkets and gifts?" Kakashi rose his visible eyebrow skeptically.

"Yeah. I've been all over the place and seen a ton of cool things. I managed to get you guys some of them too. The ones I could afford in one way or another at least." Naruto shrugged, pretending to ignore the interested looks he was getting.

"They're not going to be stupid, are they?" Sasuke warily probed. It was a loaded question and they all knew it.

"Hey. Stupid is as stupid fits into my budget. I don't waste that kind of cash on trivial things." The blonde crossed his arms defiantly. "I had to pull a good number of favors to get some of these so you guys better be grateful."

"Oooh? Toys and goodies from far off lands? Despite my better judgement, I'll bite." Ino smiled faintly. "What did you get us?"

A bright smile that seemed to resemble the sun donned Naruto's face. "Well, since he's even more wrecked than me, I thought that we'd start with Chouji."

The Akimichi was of two minds. One wanted to run far away. The other wanted to murder Naruto viciously. "N-no. You don't have to start with me." He laughed nervously. Dear fucking Log if the idiot came out with another piece of bondage gear he'd blush hard enough to give Hinata a rival.

"Nah. It's not that big of a gift, and you'd have to wait till you got back home to make full use of it." Naruto continued as he pulled out a scroll and rolled it out in front of everyone.

"Naruto. Really, I don't think that it's a-" Chouji desperately tried to stop the blonde, only to be cut off as the tell-tale poof of smoke and small spike of chakra interrupted him.

"It really took me a while to get my hands on this." The blonde state proudly as the smoke cleared. "They don't normally sell stuff of this quality to individuals, let alone novices. Thankfully Ero-ni knew a few guys on the inside and managed to cut me a break after I did a few jobs for them."

"Eeeh?" Kakashi droned curiously.

"Is it really that impressive?" Sakura frowned.

"… Yes, and I'm jealous as fuck Chouji." Sasuke instinctively activated his Sharingan.

"That's it?" Tenten blinked.

"Well it's certainly big." Ino stated slowly. "I guess that's why it's so expensive. Right Chouji? … Chouji?"

Chouji didn't say anything. Instead he was too busy drooling at the image before him.

In front of him were a dozen massive cuts of red meat. No. They were not cuts of meat. They were works of art. The texture. The fat. The marbling. The color. The size. The faint smell. Everything about what was in front of him was arousing in ways he had only imagined in his wildest dreams.

"I think he likes it." Naruto gave a stage whisper to the others.

"So. Beautiful." The large teen slowly took step after step to his gift, as if the wrong move would make it vanish in an instant.

"The highest quality. The highest grade. Prepared by professional breeders that have perfected the process of producing the greatest meats over the course of centuries." Naruto smirked proudly. "You'd have to work your ass off just to get your name noticed by these guys."

"It's like I'm orgasming with my eyes." Chouji whispered as he fell to his knees. He was unworthy to be in the presence of such greatness.

"Overreacting much?" Ino was quickly losing her amusement with her boyfriend's reaction.

"Jealous that he's essentially more attracted to huge pieces of meat than you?" Tenten shot her a mean grin.

"Keep talking and Neji finds out where you hide the stuff you don't want his byakugan to see."

"Ngh."

With another small spike of chakra, Naruto sealed the meat away once more, causing Chouji to whimper like a kicked puppy. "So long as it's sealed, it stays fresh. I also have in here a good storage of spices and recipes to bring out the most in these cuts. You probably only want the best chefs in your family to treat these. From what I've been told they can be finicky if not prepared right."

Holding the scroll as though it was a treasure, Chouji put it away in his pack delicately. "Words fail to describe how much I want to thank you, and punch you in your face right now."

"As it has been. As it should be." Naruto nodded, patting his big friend on the shoulder.

"Naruto, what did you do to Chouji when we weren't looking? I thought we told you not to fuck with anyone during the trip." Sasuke deadpanned.

"AS IT HAS BEEN. AS IT SHOULD BE."

"Of course. How silly of me to assume otherwise." The Uchiha gave up, knowing a lost cause when he saw it. "Who's next?"

"Actually, I was gonna give Chouji Shikamaru's gift to pass it on for me." Naruto shrugged as he took out another scroll, and with a few quick movements pulled out…

"… A blindfold? Don't tell me you wasted all your money on Chouji's gift." Tenten deadpanned. It was exactly what she said. A simple, cheap looking blindfold that appeared to be accessible in markets nearly anywhere.

"If you fall asleep with this thing on, you'll always dream about floating in an endless sea of clouds." Naruto twirled the gift around a finger.

Everyone there was dead silent.

"Dear Log. We'd never see him again." Ino's pupils shrunk to tiny dots as her mind ran wild.

"He'd find himself a bed or a corner where no one would find him, and never leave it." Shino shivered. "He'd die alone, trapped in his mind, entranced by harmless white fluff."

"I thought you cared about us." Kakashi mourned woefully. Anyone who knew the man could tell that he was just playing along, but there was a hint of concern hidden in his voice as well.

"Guys. Temari and his mom. Remember?" Naruto deadpanned.

And like that the horror was swept away by bizarre logic. "Oh yeah." "Forgot." "You're right."

"Idiots." Sakura woefully attempted to ignore the sight of everyone's IQ drop at a horrifying pace, but only succeeded in pretending to do so.

"Shino's next." Naruto went further into his scroll of goodies and fun.

"Do a girl next." Tenten pouted.

"I'm saving the ladies for last. I got something that's for each of you so might as well do it at once." He didn't bother to look up. "Plus, if I gave it to you guys in intervals, I'm pretty sure one of you would lose patience and maul me just to get it. It's just that good."

Ino shifted uncomfortably. "I'd say prove it, but then again you have stupid luck with bets and odds. Only that means what you got really is that good and damn it I'm curious now."

"Great, now you got me going too." Sakura let her head drop in resignation.

"Well, at least it should be good given how on target his gifts have been so far." Tenten sighed.

Everyone turned to Hinata, who had yet to say anything since they all got together. She had simply sat between Sakura and Shino, smiling patiently.

"… Well?" Ino urged.

"Well what?" Hinata asked.

"Aren't you curious about what Naruto got us?" Sakura put the words in her mouth.

"Of course. More so even." Hinata seemed to shine as the campfire's light reflected off of her. "I can wait though. I'm just being patient."

There was something about that last word that sent ominous chills down everyone's spines. Almost as if it was a warning that if he didn't meet her expectations something would happen. She had slowly been returning back to normal since Naruto's freakout, but it didn't change the fact that there was something slightly different about the way she behaved since.

Everyone pretended to ignore the subtle shaking in Naruto's hands as he pulled out the next gift.

It was a large, half a meter-long transparent cylinder that was divided into three main sections that spun on a rotary that was a bit wider than the body. In each section, there was a good deal of space that could be filled with a good deal of things.

"It doesn't look like much, I'll admit, but even I was impressed by what this was when explained." Naruto grinned. "I came by this by complete chance when I was window shopping one day."

"What is it?" Shino tilted his head curiously.

"'It' is a borderline limitless ant slash insect farm that can house an almost infinite number of hives." The blonde's grin widened. "Three sections are physically visible at any time, but it houses a nearly endless number of caches in individual pocket dimensions. Each one's setting, temperature, humidity, and even vegetation can be customized at any time. The base and the top respond to the user's chakra and intent, causing it to spin and switch sections on the fly. Even if the hives get massive, the pocket dimension internally expands to give them room and resources… though the instructions did say there's a limit when it comes to the more aggressive breeds out there. Speaking of which."

With an excessive flourish, Naruto spun the cylinder for Shino, focusing his chakra for but a brief moment. A moment later, all three sections were filled with small quantities of plants, dirt, and insects in them. "Five new species for your collection that can't be found in the elemental nations. Names, diets, traits, and basic facts are on the notes taped to the bottom."

Shino slowly moved, inspecting his gifts through his sunglasses. He didn't say anything, and from an outsider's perspective he didn't seem too thrilled, but his friends knew he was absolutely dripping with excitement. "… You certainly are outdoing yourself."

"Hey, you guys have put up with me this far. Might as well make it worth it to you in some way." He shrugged with a wide grin before looking at once section of insects in particular. "Um. Might want to be careful with this breed though. They're called bullet ants, and while they don't have any special powers, their stings… let's just say that Ino might want to borrow one or two of them on occasion for work."

Everyone paused and looked at the small hive of rather large insects warily.

"One or two?" Ino slowly repeated his words.

"One or two." Naruto nodded.

"… One or two." The girl slowly leaned back and nodded in reluctance. Far be it for her to question his input on such things.

"Hey Shino. Might want to put these away for now. This is a lot of stuff to carry." Naruto sealed away his friend's gift and handed him the scroll.

"Mmm. Thank you." Shino didn't want to wait to utilize his new resource, but he knew that it was for the best.

"Sasuke's next."

"There's going to be a shot made at my integrity made soon. I just know it." The Uchiha sighed in resignation. It was something that simply just happened whenever Naruto focused on him.

"You want that to be my gift?" Naruto asked warily, as if actually contemplating the validity of such a thing.

"The sad thing is that I lose regardless of what I say. Just give it already jackass."

"Fine. Fine." The jinchuriki shrugged and tossed his best friend a scroll. "Some of Ero-Nii's friends are just as obnoxious as I am, and crazy powerful in elemental arts. This one in particular came up with a way to perfectly fuse fire and lightning into something really nasty. Granted he's a more "go with the flow" guy like me when it comes to complex stuff like this, but he did manage to get a few pointers on paper down after I passed a few… tests."

Tests. That was one word for getting his ass kicked by Natsu for months on end until he finally managed to pull off a win. What was it with dragon related… everything, being so bloody overkill?

And he wasn't even talking about Issei. Holy fuck was Issei OP. The pervert was stupidly broken on like, five different levels. His powers were just unfair. The blonde had been smacked around by a good number of Family members over the past few years, but Issei flat out shut him down every damn time.

Then again, the guy was currently the youngest mid-tier God Class in the Family. That was Universe and Dimension destroying territory. Naruto wanted to train and protect his home but even he had a bloody limit.

Seriously though. Why was he always forced to learn under super powered perverts all the time?

Sasuke couldn't learn dragonslayer magic, but he could at least use some of the basics and concepts to enhance his own ninjutsu. Speaking of which…

"Oh, right, I also got you this…" Naruto took out a small pack and handed it to Sasuke. "Those are special shuriken that are crazy sharp, channel chakra easily, and also teleport back to your pouch as soon as they stop moving. Not particularly exotic at first glance, but I've seen this one guy use lightning chakra with it to go through literally dozens of bodies with the things. Dude uses them more in his fights than his fucking sword."

"Eh? More than his sword?" Sasuke looked at the pouch curiously before turning to the scroll in his other hand. "Lightning and fire. So what? Electrified fire? Penetrating fireballs?"

Naruto smirked maliciously. "Potentially castle wall blasting laser beams. If you're good enough."

Despite wearing his mask, it was clear that Sasuke was matching Naruto's expression perfectly. "Challenge accepted."

"There they go again. It's like nothing's changed in three years." Tenten rolled her eyes as a small clashing of killing intent and chakra spawned between the two. "Oi Sakura. Do your job and stop their dick measuring contest before it gets out of hand."

Sakura sighed, moved so she was almost between the two boys, and held up two glowing hands. "You two. Stop or I do medical stuff."

Instantly, Naruto was back to his scroll and Sasuke was once more almost as impassive as Kakashi. Speaking of which…

"I'm so proud of you." The oldest one there wiped an imaginary tear from his visible eye. They grew up so fast.

Thump.

"You. Here. Porn. Sci-fi. Dog treats." Naruto unceremoniously dropped a scroll in front of Kakashi, instantly unsealing a small mountain of just that.

The silver haired man stared blankly at his new assets before looking up. "You were always my favorite."

Chouji snorted in amusement, finally falling from his meat high.

"You sure that gift isn't for Kiba?" Ino grinned.

"Nah." Naruto took out another scroll and blindly tossed it to Shino. "I got him a large supply of special deodorizers that warp dog smells to something that appeals to normal humans and dogs while greatly reducing the intensity. And a book on how to pick up women using your unusually intelligent pets as wingmen. For Akamaru I got him a collar that masks his scent as well, and a giant indestructible chewing bone that tastes like bacon."

Little did he know that the last gift mentioned would spark what would later be known as the Inuzuka Kennel Civil War. A terrible and horrifying event that would be etched into the mind of the clan and those close to them for decades. That however was a story for another time, in another fanfic.

"Finally!" Sakura threw her arms up in the air. "Finally, someone does something about how he smells! Kiba's a great guy but he's more clueless than you when it comes to how bad he reeks!"

"Oi. I don't smell unless I decide otherwise. Wind elemental master, remember?" The gift giver frowned.

"You have done us a great service Naruto." Shino pocketed the scroll. He would make sure to get this to Kiba as soon as he could. He loved and trusted Kiba and Akamaru like family, but seriously. Everyone was creeped out by his bugs, but at least he could hide them whenever he wanted and not offend one of everyone's senses in the process.

"Neji was hard to get stuff for. The guy doesn't really have a lot of hobbies. I got a few books on how the human body reacts internally in various mental conditions, which he might or might not find useful. But if that didn't work out, I also managed to get my hands on a few traditional things for him. Fancy chopsticks. Fancy brush and ink set. Fancy paper. Fancy silk yukata. Fancy strawberry shampoo…"

"Now you're just being a dick. You know he switched to scentless shampoo." Tenten deadpanned.

"… Fancy strawberry conditioner. And this convenient little device that just makes a bunch of soothing noises to help with meditation and calm down after a long day with Lee and, urk." Naruto and everyone else flinched as he accidentally slipped onto a taboo subject.

"Nice." Sasuke frowned.

Tenten took in a deep breath through her nose and breathed out through her mouth. A clear attempt at calming herself down and lowing her blood pressure. Then she held out an expecting hand. "It's fine. It was an accident. We all know you aren't that dumb and insensitive."

"Well. Yeah. Destressing stuff." Naruto grimaced, complying with her request before reaching for another scroll. "For… just Lee. Training weights, a true Master's approach to a beginner's and intermediate's training regiments for six different martial arts styles, and most importantly, a detailed guide and regiment to training for the ultimate taijutsu body. Muscles. Bones. Joints. Organs. Perception. I was stuck with these guys for half a year and above all else I learned two things. First is that there are guys out there that have turned Taijutsu into a genuine art of mass destruction, and second is that they are more insane when it comes to training methods than Ero-Nii."

"You're kidding." Ino blatantly accused him with a piercing gaze, only to slowly retreat a few seconds later. "Oh dear Log, you're not kidding."

"Some of the things I saw them do and personally experienced was just plain stupid and overkill. Even for me. And. THEY. WORKED." Naruto shook his head. Seriously, he was insane, but Kenichi willingly stayed with those monsters from the beginning just because he wanted to get stronger! Not because he had a dream, or because people were after him, or because the world was in danger! That guy had balls, and despite the odds holy fuck did it paid off. Without the boost of the eight gates, Naruto was pretty sure that Kenichi could hold his own against Lee, and the guy's home world had nothing along the lines of chakra in it at all.

"It's probably best that Lee gets training from them second hand then." Kakashi surmised. "Anything for Sai and the other teachers first?"

Naruto just tossed Kakashi two scrolls. "Sai got a special brush and ink set, a small list of easy to memorize and trigger seals to use with his jutsu, and a few books on various pieces of art and their styles from around the world. I got Asuma a carton of rare brand cigarettes used by some of the most hardcore badasses I've ever heard of, and some quality whisky. Kurenai I got some books on how to incorporate the imagery of eldritch abominations into illusions, and a few top shelf wines and ports."

"Very nice." Kakashi nodded, pocketing the scrolls quickly. "Now what do you have in store for the ladies? Hopefully nothing too inappropriate."

"You wish. Pedophile." Tenten snorted.

"I go for women. Not girls. I'm flattered you think of me in such a way though." Kakashi chided as if talking to a child.

"Tenten's gift next!" Naruto shouted, noting the several dozen sharp implements of pain and potential death hovering over her.

"I thought you were doing all us girls at once." Ino frowned.

"Yes and no." The other blonde took out two scrolls. "The scroll in my left hand has a bunch of copies of the dress for everyone without a Y chromosome. I got my hands on a buttload of these things by chance and thought, what the hell, some for all the girls. The one in my right has the individual gifts."

"So, what are the mass gifts for us?" Tenten was curious. It wasn't like Naruto to get lots of the same thing for everyone. He liked to diversify, if only to spread as much chaos as possible.

A confident smirk donned his face as he stashed the right scroll and opened the left, taking out…

… A bland, generic, one size fits all, tan sun dress.

Everyone was dead quiet as they stared at the abomination.

Sakura lost her patience first. "Hah. Ok Naruto, what does it really do? It's not beyond you to troll everyone with dull gifts every now and then, but even you aren't dumb enough to risk the wrath of all the women around you with something that atrocious."

"No, I'm not. That being the case, I need a demonstration to get the point across. Sakura, can you switch into this to help me out?" Naruto held it out to her.

"Me?" The pinkette blinked in surprise.

He nodded. "Yeah. Ino won't put it on without a good reason. Tenten would probably think that it's a prank, and Hinata..."

Everyone paused to see the girl behind him staring at his back as though she was a kicked puppy.

"Er, well once you get the idea of what this is she might let her imagination… run wild?" He smiled hesitantly. "You'll get the idea once the demonstration is done. It's nothing terrible. Team Seven pranking treaty section five clause two subsection six A."

"The clothing and nudity section." Kakashi nodded in understanding.

"Uh. What?" Chouji looked to Sasuke in confusion.

The Uchiha sighed. "There was a point where some of our respective jokes on one another went a bit too far. The treaty was written after that to make guidelines on what was and was not strictly allowed and the various circumstances that allowed or disallowed them."

"Geez Naruto. What the hell did you do to have that happen?" Tenten was genuinely surprised Team Seven had something formal like that set up in the first place.

"Clause one section four. We're not at liberty to discuss the incident in detail." Naruto laughed nervously.

Kakashi eye smiled. How adorable. They all thought that Naruto was the one that had crossed the line. He spied Sakura moving away from the group with the dress in hand and a slightly flushed face. Poor fools didn't suspect a thing.

A minute later, Sakura came back wearing the tan dress and not looking too pleased about it. It really didn't work well with her hair. "I have it on. Now what?"

Ino smirked savagely. "Now you strike a pose while I commit this to memory."

Naruto grinned. "Ok. This part is simple. Close your eyes. Calm down a bit. Almost like you're meditating or about to work on a difficult patient."

"Like you?" Despite her words, she followed his instructions and calmed her breathing. "Now what?"

"Ok. Now for a quick test run. Imagine you're wearing your normal clothes. The stuff you just switched off."

They could tell that she was confused, but she went with it regardless. Moments later…

"Holy shit." Ino blinked.

"You serious?" Tenten was just as surprised.

"What?" Sakura opened her eyes and looked down only to see that she was once more in her combat clothes. "Wait. What?"

Naruto grinned as her attire began to warp and return to their original bland state. "What you're wearing is a special material that molds itself to the wearer's desires. For some stupid reason, there are lots of places out there where women can't go three feet without some retarded idiot or accident mutilating their clothes. This stuff was invented for women to mass produce their favorite ensembles cheaply. A looooooot of questionably provocative high school girl uniforms are produced using these things."

"High school girl uniforms?" Kakashi's tone was as bored and disinterested as normal, but no one missed the disturbing sparkle in his visible eye.

"What on Log's green earth have you been reading man?" Chouji asked bewildered.

"Just put it on and picture what you want to be wearing for about thirty seconds and it'll permanently stick to that form. The version I got you guys can't do anything heavy duty like heavy and enchanted armor, or exotic and rare stones, but it can cover most fabrics. Cotton. Fur. Silk. Spandex. Lace. Cashmere. Fiber. Plastic. Leather. Latex. Etc. And you can customize how it looks. So long as you keep on changing the image in some way, it won't stick. Just be careful on what you're designing. It is possible to set yourself up in something that won't come off without tearing it apart or making it almost impossible to clean."

No one said anything. They were all just staring at him with a wide mix of expressions.

"Naruto." Ino's expression was genuinely unreadable. It held no emotion, yet at the same time held an intensity of which he had never seen before. "I seriously don't know if I should kiss you or kill you right now."

"… Eh?" The fellow blonde blinked in confusion.

"With only one of those beautiful things… I'm going to constantly be tempted. Tempted to change it into a dress that I forever wanted. Into a dress that would make me look divine. Into a dress that I would never be able to afford on my own." She went on, slowly, meticulously, only barely holding back the frustration and agony that was filling her entire being. "But at the same time, I will always know that there will be something out there more worthy to use it on. Something that will make me scream out the instant I see it because I could have used the dress on it instead. Why? Why did you do something so cruel as to only give us one each?"

"Because he's Naruto and it's rare that he doesn't have his head up his ass?" Sasuke answered with a hint of skepticism.

"That would be true, except even he knows better than to tempt a woman with nice things that they normally can't have." Sakura smiled innocently, before looking at a certain something specific behind him. "Or at least, that's normally the case."

There were two ominously lavender eyes glowing in the darkness right behind him. Eyes that screamed of hunger and thirst of times immeasurable. Eyes that would pounce if he dared to recognize them.

He pretended that the eyes, and the torrents of fear induced sweat running down his face, didn't exist. Poorly. "H-h-ha! H-hahaha! S-Silly girls! I-I d-didn't forget that!"

"His mouth says "no", but his everything else says "oh shit"." Tenten's expression was a mix of irritation and gleeful expectation.

"W-Wait!" He swore he didn't squeak. He also swore that everyone around him were dirty liars. "Wedding Dress."

All the girls there froze.

"Nice save." Shino approved of the sudden curveball.

"Wedding dress?" Ino slowly echoed.

"Or Kimono. Or any other outfit that you imagined for your big day. Fitting you perfectly. With all the extra designs and flairs that you wanted in your dreams since you started imagining it back when you were little… minus major jewelry, head piece and shoes." He reluctantly added. Seeing Ino slowly working herself up again, he threw in the finishing word. "For FREE."

For several long moments, Ino and the rest of the girls there were immobile.

"I think you broke th-" Kakashi stage whispered to his student before Sakura hammered him into the ground.

All there with a Y chromosome were appropriately terrified now.

"You took away the thrill of searching for the perfect dress for the perfect day that we have all dreamed about since before we were in the academy, but at the same time you gave it to us for free. You are evil. You are evil and I want to kiss you and throttle you simultaneously." Sakura turned to one of her best friends with all the mixed signals that only the farer sex could manifest that all males have long since failed to decipher.

"It's a thing. We can do both. He'll probably like it." Ino stepped up with a blank expression and mindlessly taking out several senbon.

"No, I won't."

"He's shy. Sakura. Tenten. Come. We must express our conflicted emotions."

"Seriously. Super powerful wind elemental here. Asphyxiation and I do not mix. Like, at all."

"Uh Ino? Sasuke and I are right here. You know. Boyfriends?" Chouji rose a hand.

"We'll do you two next."

"Not where I was going with that Ino."

"Got another genius way out of this?" Sasuke looked at his soon to be doomed friend and pretended to ignore the Hyuuga ready to pounce the idiot from behind. He was not going to lift a finger to resolve the situation. Women and obtainable expensive clothing. Men should never get in between those two things. He was not making that mistake again.

"More presents!" Naruto hurriedly took out the other scroll, causing the girls pause. He mentally patted himself on the back. When in doubt, appeal to everyone's innate natural greed.

"More?" The four females parroted warily. If they took their spoils now, they wouldn't get more later. It was a painful choice to make.

The blonde rapidly took out a second shapeshifting dress and sealed it into a second scroll before rolling to another part of it and taking out a large series of kits and tools. "Tenten! Blacksmithing and inscribing kit! Loads of new tools, ingredients, materials, and some new seals and runes to use! Very sturdy! Very expensive!"

Hesitantly, the Faker wrested her mind from the dress and turned to her new toys. She had originally thought that he was going to get her some kind of special dagger or weapon, even though once she saw it, she wouldn't really need the original again. But this… this she could use.

Ingots of all sorts of metals and ores. All top purity. The hammers were all made with forging in mind, to even make it less likely to cause problems when making new tools. And the inscribing chisels and simple seals…

"And we lost her." Sasuke recognized the focused look on Tenten's face as she meticulously went through each and every part of her gift. She'd be like this for hours if left uninterrupted. Next to Sakura, Tenten was the closest female friend he had.

"Ino!" Naruto shouted, causing everyone to jump as he quickly sealed away her dress in a new scroll and rolling it over to unseal several books and a large binder filled with all sorts of airtight packages. "Tons of special flower seeds! All sorts of properties! Instructions and qualities in books! Very pretty! Very dangerous! Tons of medical and poisonous properties! Enjoy!"

Chouji blinked in confusion as the gifts were practically shoved into Ino's arms. "Er. Naruto? Why are you freaking out? The girls stopped moving on you when you took out Tenten's gift."

"Not all of them." Shino corrected ominously, his body shaking only slightly as he made the statement.

The big teen frowned, initially not getting what he meant, until he saw it.

A terrifying black aura right behind Naruto, threatening to engulf him, with two glowing white eyes. An unholy wraith of lust and desire had manifested among them without anyone realizing until it was too late.

"Naruto. Gave. Me. Wedding. Dress…"

"Holy DICKS!" Chouji almost jumped away in absolute horror, a reaction that was almost shared among everyone there save for Tenten who was too absorbed into examining every inch of her blacksmithing set. Fuck Moryo. The true end of the world was right behind Naruto.

"Sakura!" Naruto's pitch was significantly higher than before, his arms moving rapidly as he got her offering out. "Medical books! New medical formulas! Samples of solid chakra! Here's also the hag's and Shizune's stuff! Kill me!"

Sakura snatched her prizes and quickly walked away. "Mine. No. Good luck."

"Traitor!" He probably would have said something more, but whatever he was going to roar out was converted into a terrified high pitched scream as a pale hand clenched onto his shoulder.

"A bit eager to get Naruto's gift, aren't you?" Kakashi grunted as he picked himself off the ground. Really, her treatment of him was uncalled for. She knew how hard it was to get dirt stains out of clothes while on the job.

"I have my gift." The grasp on Naruto's shoulder tightened almost painfully.

"What the hell happened to her while I was gone?!" Naruto all but hysterically demanded from those that haven't already abandoned him to his fate.

Everyone else there looked at one another skeptically for a few moments, having lightning fast conversations with just their body language, before all turning to him and shrugging in unison and giving him all thumbs up. "No clue. God speed. We're with you in spirit, from a safe distance."

"Oh, you MOTHER FU-!" Naruto's wounded cry of betrayal faded into the distance as he and Hinata were enveloped by a cloud of smoke and vanished from sight.

The campfire was quiet. Two of their number had left them, and it was questionable if they would ever return.

"Shino and I have first watch." Kakashi's face was already buried in a new book as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened in the slightest, no doubt mixing business with pleasure.

A faint grunt of annoyance came from the Aburame, but said no more than that. Instead, he spread out his insects to maintain watch over the area while taking out his new insect container and inspecting the new additions to his collection.

"I'm getting dressed." Sakura sighed, still in what potentially might be her wedding gown. "I'm going to be tempted if I have this thing on any longer."

"I'll come with you. There's no point in training with these things while on a mission." Sasuke got up, most of his gifts in one hand, and one of the enlarged shuriken in the other. The six-sided weapon was about twice as wide as their normal stars, and blades were significantly heavier and wider. It would take some time to adjust for the weight, but the Uchiha was absolutely certain that the new tool in his hand was leagues more suited for murder and combat than the disposable ones he was used to.

"I'm going back too. It would be terrible if we ruined our spoils before we got a chance to use them." Ino sighed. "Chouji? Care to join me? I'd like to have a word with you on certain things."

He knew that tone. Nothing pleasant came from that tone, and even worse things came from going against it. "Yes. Just please don't do anything to the meat. Naruto wasn't kidding about the quality. I doubt I'd ever land something like this again period."

"That's fine." She hummed absently as they walked away from the fire before leaning up against him. "Though, if that's the case, I am quite curious as to why you are in possession of a peculiar black article of clothing of… unique nature, hidden in your gear."

"Could we, by chance, wait on that discussion until we get back home?" He pleaded hopefully. Damn it. He should have been smarter about it and hid it in one of his fake snack bags instead of his underwear. Ino never goes through his snacks.

"No."

Chouji wept in defeat. This night was not going to end well for him. Oh well, if he couldn't beg his way out, he'd try another approach. "In my defense, it's very expensive?"

An unreadable expression flickered in her eyes. "Oh? And why's that?"

It was that moment Chouji realized he was stuck between two options, and both committed him to a Hell that he doubted he'd be able to get out of any time soon.

o. o. o.

Fuu Yamanaka was perplexed and frustrated the entire night. No matter what he did, he couldn't get into contact with Ino. The only reasons why she would not be able to contact him was if she was awake the entire time, or if something was blocking her abilities to reaching out to him while she slept…

… But that was ridiculous. No self-respecting shinobi would go to sleep in a handicapped position.

o. o. o.

"Mmmhmmmgh!"

Whatever Naruto intended to say was masked by his frantic mumblings as Hinata made a very impressive attempt at fusing their lips together.

"Shut up. Just shut up. Let me have this." She breathed out heavily, pushing him against a nearby tree before resuming to molest his mouth.

She had been tense all day. That absurd power that Ghost emitted from hell knows how far away terrified her, no, everyone there. It was ominous enough that even Naruto, at least for a time, wasn't taking shit from anyone. Outside of Gai's death, the only time he had ever been like that was during the snafu with Han.

And for that time, she had remembered just where she had stood once again. She had trained hard. She was strong, capable, and observant. Many touted her as a genius, a prodigy that would take her clan to new heights.

But in that one moment that Naruto had turned his full attention to her just hours ago, she had felt no more significant than she had been that day so many years back.

The image she had made for herself. The confidence she had in her and her power. All of it had been blown away with just a stern look and a terrifying smile.

Was she going to be reprimanded? Did she cross the line? These thoughts and more made her tremble the entire time as the blonde went off with his team to discuss what had just transpired…

… But he didn't do anything. He returned, left again, returned, and slowly degraded into his standard pattern of behavior. And she was left confused, conflicted, and disappointed.

She had held her tongue, but when he had gotten to the dresses, she had finally lost her patience.

A wedding dress. He had gotten her a wedding dress of her dreams. What girl wouldn't be touched at the bare minimum if given such a thing by their love?

Especially when said girl has been itching for some quality time with said love for three years and in the middle of chakra enhanced puberty?

Her hands were all over his body, caressing his muscles under his clothes, feeling him everywhere, and shutting down various pathways with a few precise pokes to ensure he didn't fight back this time. Or… at least fight back successfully.

And if her fingers just so happen to take off his clothes in the process, well, all the better.

"Ngh. No. Sex." He managed to get out just as one of her hands reached his waistline.

That had her pause just enough to give him a stern look that said that she was not going to go along with that idea before continuing with her initial plan.

Now, Naruto was no stranger to his hormones. He was a hot-blooded male. He cranked one out every other day or so after shunting his parents and the fox to a deep corner of his mind to ensure his privacy. He appreciates the female body in all sorts of ways. And Hinata's was no exception. She was hot. She was beautiful. And she was more or less his. He knew it. She knew it. Everyone knew it. Under most normal circumstances, he probably would have let things carry on and go nuts.

Fuck his life. Nothing was ever normal and simple.

In her rush to molest her boyfriend, Hinata had begun to weaken his body and chakra pathways to stop him from fighting back as much. She knew it was a bit aggressive of her, but she was tired of dancing around the subject, and the stress of what has happened the past few days had gotten the better of her.

Unfortunately for her, she had forgotten that Naruto's abilities weren't limited to his body.

Naruto grunted in some effort and urgency as he made the air around them latch onto her wrists, ankles, and waste and yank her away from him, holding her spread eagle about a foot off the ground. He had practiced with telekinetic mimicking actions with air for years, but he still wasn't as good as it as he'd like to admit. The constant fine control needed for it was something that grated against his nerves.

"Ah?! Eh?! Naruto?" She blinked in surprise at the minor whiplash she experienced before realizing the situation she was in. In her excited and confused state, she was of multiple minds about her state. She was angry and disappointed that he had stopped her. She was confused that he had stopped her in the first place. She was worried that he had made the effort to stop her at all. And, she was somewhat excited that he was going to use her new helpless state to play with her in new ways.

"Hah. Hah. Damn it Hinata. I said no sex yet." Naruto panted as he regained use of his mouth and lungs.

"Why?!" She snapped back uncharacteristically. The stress. The longing. All her built up emotions that she hid behind a gentle, if occasionally terrifying, smile were overflowing. "We're here! No one else is! No family! No Konoha! No politics! No Akatsuki! We have time! Why?! Am I that disgusting?! Have you found someone else?!"

"Because we're both fucking messes!" Naruto snapped, for the first time in his life directing killing intent at her before calming down and putting his head in his hands. "I'm a fucking mess. You're clearly dealing with something. And if we go too far on a whim right now before we get even a fraction of ourselves straightened out, it's all going to fall apart."

His words pierced her, batting aside any argument she could have made effortlessly. Within moments, her thrashing died like a starving dog in an alleyway. He was right. They weren't ready just yet. Sex was easy, but their relationship… they hadn't seen one another in three years. Things had changed, for both of them. The love was there, but the game state itself was different.

"You're more aggressive than normal." He broke the silence first.

"… Marriage." She let out a bitter smile. "Clans and nobles have asked for my hand left and right. Some distant cousins in the Hyuuga as well. Everyone knows that you and I are a thing, but attempts are still being made. I had to harshly turn down four in the month before you came back alone. Father's starting to be pressured by the elders and significant political allies. Apparently, there's rumored to be some sort of deal that's protecting me for now, but he's unable to talk about the specifics to anyone, so most disregard it rather quickly as a paper shield. If I wasn't a Jonin already, I would have been engaged. I had to rush through the torture and sex training over a year ago and… if I wasn't so desperate I probably wouldn't have been able to muster the self-control to pass. On the plus side, the fact I'm not a virgin did dissuade some of the men that attempted to obtain me."

Naruto let out a slow breath and leaned back against the tree. "You managed to hold out this long, pretending everything was fine. And then I came back."

"And then you came back." She didn't bother to hide the tears falling down her cheeks.

"I'm going to have to get something more for Kurenai, Anko, Kin and Ino." He mused out loud. Out of everyone he knew, those four were probably the ones that helped her get through the worst of it all the most.

… Wait, shit. He forgot to give Tenten Kin's stuff and Ino Anko's stuff.

"Neji-nii-san and Hanabi helped too." She added. "Not everyone has free access to my clan compound you know."

"I'll get more shampoo for them when I get the chance. What's Hanabi? Kiwi?" He offhandedly sighed, getting a soft giggle from her.

"Dragonberry actually." Hinata relented, remembering just how loudly her sister screamed when Crypt finally pounced her. The small girl certainly had the lungs.

"No kidding?" He briefly smirked before letting his mouth drop again. "Guess the marriage dress kinda set you off."

"It was one of them. Today hasn't exactly been therapeutic for anyone." That was putting it lightly. "You're leaving without us soon, aren't you?"

"Yeah." He didn't try to hide it. "Knowing the future is as much a curse as it is a blessing, but doing nothing about something like this is just stupid."

"… I hate her. She shouldn't be going after you." Hinata frowned. "I don't see what you do in her."

"Well, not that I'm making excuses or saying it's the reason, but she does looks like an albino you, so complaining about her looks is kinda pointless." The blonde deadpanned. It wasn't difficult to tell that Shion was lusting after him. She was a noble, but the priestess was nowhere near as subtle as she thought she was.

"You know what I mean." She frowned. "She's a civilian. She shouldn't be involving herself in shinobi affairs. She has confidence, but she's weak…"

"Just like we were when we first started out." Naruto cut her off firmly before easing up again. "I'm not making excuses. Shion will be a handful, but she isn't an enemy Hinata. I'm not replacing you, and you are at no risk of being replaced. By anyone. If the situation was any different I'd have already pushed her away, but it's not. She wants our help, and she's already proven that she can help us in ways that we'd be stupid to pass up. None of us are invincible by ourselves. That's why we work in teams to cover our weaknesses. Shion is just the same. She has more weaknesses than most of us, but she has a strength that literally no one else has. I know it. You know it. And trust me, she sure as hell knows it too, and she knows how to use it."

"You trust her that much." She smiled faintly. "… It'd be hypocritical if I started to berate you for putting faith in her. Not after all you did for me."

"What can I say? I just bring out the best and worst in people." He smiled bitterly.

"It's that bad? What she told you?"

He picked his words carefully. "Whatever she may or may not have told me in the little time we were together recently, it is not for others to know."

It was shitty subtlety, but it got the point across. The less people that knew that Shion had told him anything in the first place, the better.

She looked into his eyes. He regretted leaving, that they had to be apart again so soon, but this was something that had to be done and no amount of pleading or begging was going to change that. She was stubborn, but three years or not, she doubted she was still anywhere near as bad as he was when he put his mind to it.

She sighed, and pulsed her chakra briefly. The air around her limbs and body was disrupted instantly, dropping her to the ground, landing without a sound. She could have done it anytime she wanted. "So where does that leave us?"

"Well, I know what I'm doing in the semi near future. Not going to like it, but I'm saving my rage fueled bitching for the guys that I'm planning to take my irritation out on." He shook his head. "I'll be fine. I've done things like this before, and believe me when I say I have more than enough experience at running away with my tail between my legs."

There was an awkward pause.

"Figuratively and literally."

Another awkward pause.

"And no, there is nothing wrong with my tail."

Hinata let out a slow breath of relief, awkwardly not making eye contact with him. "And me?"

"You, are going to continue with this mission, get Shion back to Konoha, beat the shit out of Ghost, tell Tsunade and only Tsunade what's happened with the rest of Team 7, beat the shit out of Ghost, get everyone as prepped for anything that could happen, beat the shit out of Ghost, protect Shion, tell your dad that you and I are a thing, and if you have time, beat the shit out of Ghost."

Hinata stared at him with a blank expression. "… After I've seen the state you're in after coming back, you don't have to worry about that last bit. But do I have to be the one to take care of her?"

He sighed and shook his head. "I know. I know. But this really is important. We need to keep an eye on her at all times, keep her protected, and away from those that would try to abuse her powers. Nobles. Akatsuki. Danzo. As great of a boon she is to us, the bigger problem is if someone else gets their hands on her and screws with her head. She knows this, and is trying to play ahead of a dangerous game that she was bound to be a part of sooner or later. Have Hiashi host her in the clan. Your family's always interested in the competition when it comes to doujutsu, and the ability to see into the future could be a good excuse for him to do so. Let him and Neji know what's going on. The odds of her being attacked will drop greatly if your family are the ones protecting her."

Crossing her arms, Hinata pouted like a child. Normally she had more self-control than that, but being with Naruto always had that effect on her, especially if it was just the two of them. "Fine. I guess if she's that important. Knowing the future is a pretty useful ability to have…"

"You have no idea." Naruto deadpanned. "You really don't."

She obviously had a few dozen questions in response to that, but she decided better of it. Sometimes it was better not to know the truth. "You really are a handful, you know that? Most women would have already let you go by this point."

He smiled bitterly. "Well most women don't obsess over me with the viciousness that you do."

"That's because I'm not most women. And I fully expect a return on investment for my commitment." She allowed herself to smile herself. "A wedding dress is a good start."

Naruto's grin widened. "Oh. You underestimate me. I told everyone that I got a good number of these dresses, and that all the girls are getting one, but I never said that there would be any leftover…"

She tried not to shift in her spot. "How many?"

"Five. Yours to do with as you please."

"You are sending an absurd number of mixed signals for someone that is quite determined to not have sex tonight."

Naruto's smile faded as he stared in Hinata's eyes. Eyes that had watched him through his very worst and very best. Eyes that he could get lost in endlessly. Eyes that put him at peace.

He made a decision.

"I'm sticking to that. We're still a mess, and bumping uglies right before a fucked-up situation like this one has bad luck and red flags written all over it. I'm not superstitious, but there's a limit to how many lines I'll cross."

Hinata sighed and let her posture droop in disappointment and resignation. "I figured as much. Even I think it's a bad idea all things consid-?!"

She froze as the hand of one of Naruto's shadow clones put a hand on her shoulder firmly. It was accompanied by half a dozen others.

All of them were smiling widely, fangs exposed and all emitting an aura of hunger.

Just like their creator was.

"I feel that there was a miscommunication." He spoke smoothly as he picked himself up, his chakra pathways long since healed and back to normal. "I believe that we have cleared up enough things between us to go down a different option for tonight. We aren't going to have sex. My decision has not changed."

A new scroll was casually tossed up and down in his right hand. It was just like all of the other scrolls of that night. Innocent looking. Completely inconspicuous.

"However, that does not change the fact that tonight, I have decided that you are fucked."

Hinata didn't even notice the fact that her look of confusion was mixed with one of joy, and a progressively bleeding nose.

"Now then. I believe that I have yet to show you some of the other gifts I got you while I was away."

o. o. o.

Omake:

Elsewhere in Takigakure:

In Hiruzen's room, a corner was buried under a large number of blankets.

If a person were to move said blankets, they would find the head of a man sticking halfway out of the floor, gnawing on the tatami mats like a mindless dog.

"Nghnghgng. The floor is high in fiberrrrrrrrrr."

It was at that point that said hypothetical person would put the blankets back on top of the head and go about the rest of their lives pretending that what they had just seen didn't exist.

o. o. o.

Other Omake:

"SAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Ghost was late with his meeting with Nick this year. Nick wasn't generous. Ghost was not pleased.

Waltz didn't care. He had eggnog.

Scab didn't care. He was in a coma.

Shadow didn't care. She had candy.

Crypt didn't care. He was playing jumprope with Cthulu and bedazzling with the flying spaghetti monster.

Zuzushi didn't care. She was riding Ghost, experiencing an adrenaline rush, and enjoying the ride to the fullest.

o. o. o.

A/N:

Thanks Kagaseo for betaing. Also congrads on finally finishing your first fic, Echoes.

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaack.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the return of one of the few Naruto fics out there that's actually fucking entertaining!

Sorry to be so long guys, but anyone that knows of my other fic, From Fake Dreams, is aware just why it took so long for me to go back. And if you don't know of From Fake Dreams… what the fuck are you doing. Go read it! Like. Right Now!

Now, as I stand here, gloating at my return and pretending to ignore the cast of TTRT behind me waiting for me to finish so they can murder me for waiting so long, I will announce that I'm going to be working on this for the next year, and that we are finally going to be going back to the actual plot real soon!

Shadow: Bullshit!

(Naruto gets smacked in the face with the script.)

Naruto: Asshole! Honestly, what's so big coming up that you think we can just… oh… fuck me.

Hinata: Again?

Ghost: Huh? What's going to… oh shit! That soon!? Burn it! Burn the evidence!

While the cast fights over the script, let's get back to the news.

First. Fuck 2016. Just, all of it.

Except for my Christmas haul. That pleased me.

Second, I tried to get this done yesterday for xmas for all you lucky shmucks, but sadly friends and family got in the way. I don't even know why I bother having those.

And nothing else. (Discretely pushes away the copies of Dishonored 2 and FF15 I may or may not have over 80 hours of gameplay time total on already.)

Seriously though, switching between different epic stories like this is hard. Characters. Personalities. Moods. Plots. It's tricky to get back into it all after so long.

Romance isn't my forte. I honestly don't like writing it in bulk if I can help it, which is why some of the scenes in this chapter are a bit… different.

There are too many of those in fanfictions as it is, and most of the time it's completely irrelevant to the plots and issues at hand, taking over the story unnecessarily. When I open a story that says action and adventure, I expect action and adventure to be the fucking bulk of it, not a tenth and the rest being the mc being a moaning complaining emo bitch because he can't talk to a girl right. It's been done to death right and it makes me pissed that the mc can't prioritize right. There's a world ending calamity on the horizon, but he's too preoccupied with not talking his problems through with the girl he's been going out with for three years to actually address the damn thing, and the girl is too annoying and one dimensional to be able to help him out with the blasted problem in any way other than having sex and "calming him down", even though nine times out of ten, she's the reason why he's stressed out in the first place.

It's fucking annoying. It's like most of the potentially decent stories out there that crash horribly are written by teenaged girls that are stuck watching twilight and fifty shades of grey over and over again.

Anyways. I'm back to TTRT. Expect loads of awesome coming soon. Naruto is fucked up, but he and Hinata finally have their moment.

But that's about it. I'm finishing this up quick so I can post it. So be grateful.

SO REVIEW! WORSHIP THE LOG! I AIN'T DEAD YET BITCHES! AND REVIEW AGAAAAAAOH SHIT THEY'RE COMING AFTER ME! FLEE! FLEE FROM THE ANGRY MOB!