Take Two Round Two

by Third Fang

What do you get when you cross several interdimensional god like beings, raw boredom, a world of Naruto that went wrong, several years worth of off screen training, common sense, insanity, humor, sarcasm, the Log, explosions, plot, and overall chaos? Apparently a lot of headache medicine for Tsunade. May the Games Begin. Sequel to Yet Again With A Little Extra Help.

24. Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty Three: Insert joke about the number twenty three, but wait! Including the prequel chapter it's actually twenty four! There's the twist! Your mind is now blown!

I don't own Naruto, any of its characters, or any references in this story. If I did, horrible things would happen. Neither do I own any other anime that I reference. I do own all OC's and new Jutsu in the story as well as every ounce of pure awesome spawned by this.

o. o. o.

"You know, you don't have to be here."

"I don't have to do a number of things." Waltz grumbled as he took a swig of beer. "Problem is, if I don't do some of them, odds are high that something will happen that people will blame me for."

"Or set you on fire." Dima smirked knowingly.

"Or set me on fire." Waltz nodded reluctantly. "There's a butt load of dogs in this village and they have very sharp teeth."

The other old man didn't bother holding back a dark chuckle. He had known Waltz for millennia, but he still never got used to the fact that the overpowered bastard smelled like bacon when set aflame. Unless the giant of a geezer actually bothered to put his foot down and terrify everyone and everything in a ten mile radius, it wasn't uncommon to see him get mobbed by packs of animals when the wind was blowing in the right direction.

"Oi. Brats. Weren't you supposed to be pandering to the council by now?" Waltz glanced at Specks and Skyler lazily.

"We got off lucky, Lord Waltz." The smallest one there shifted his glasses nervously, taking care not to look directly at the old man. "It is late enough that our meeting with them was put off till tomorrow."

"Apparently the wise crones there don't function well unless they have their twelve hours of beauty sleep." Skyler crossed his arms, also clearly uncomfortable with the situation. He never liked getting involved in politics and stayed away from local affairs and the upper class when exploring if he could help it. His perceptive abilities were mediocre at best, but it was more than enough to tell that he was being watched by at least a dozen shinobi.

"How generous of them." Waltz didn't bother to look at them as he slouched on the bench he was sitting on, facing the half closed Konoha gates as though waiting for the local bus.

Despite what most people thought, the massive doors were only closed during times of war, even during the night since, well, ninja don't tend to have traditional working hours.

The doors being half open though, was a major sign that something was off to those that knew better. The village was still allowing people in and out easily, but it also meant that the place was expecting something to possibly go wrong in the near future. It was almost akin to saying: we have everything under control, maybe.

"She should have gotten back by now." Dima yawned. "You didn't hit her that hard."

"You really want to say that with your back?" Waltz glanced at him disbelievingly.

"I'm not the one with the bloody Sky Mother in him. Or her blessings." Dima glanced at his old friend dryly. "Really. It's been so long, but every time I see you five it's always been one display of bullshit after another. If I didn't know you better than most I'd be with everyone else in claiming you're all too absurd to let live."

"Now, at least." The giant yawned knowingly.

"Everyone has priorities. The trick is to know how they develop." Dima relented, having lost the hidden conversation. He turned his head up with a glazed look in his eyes. "Finally. That woman always did have a shitty sense of time."

"Hm?" Skyler looked around confused. "What? Is She here?"

"More or less." Waltz blinked slowly and looked up at the sky. "Might want to take care of your friend though. He doesn't seem to be taking it too well."

"Ah. Ahhhh ah ah…" Specks could only stammer and gurgle out sounds. His eyes were nearly bulging out of his head as he looked up in the same direction the two old men were looking at.

It was a clear night. Not a single cloud was in the sky, and the stars shone brighter than ever upon the canvas above…

… No. The stars were not brighter that night. It was merely that the black emptiness that they were imposed upon had emptied itself of any and every impurity it might have had, making the abnormalities made by the visible stars more prominent in contrast.

To normal people it didn't look like much, but to Specks, whose abilities enabled him to see the truth of everything he saw down to the most minute detail, he saw what the workings of a genuine God entailed.

All that blank nothingness. The entirety of all unused space, in this reality and beyond, had been dominated and was now under her command. Where there was literally nothing but absence, the ultimate blank canvass, was being moved, molded, and prepared by an unseen titan with pure authority over everything.

It was impossible for Specks, or Skyler, or anyone normal on the planet to feel or sense what was happening. They were too small and weak to process something so absurdly massive happening right above them. Only Specks' abilities, overloading him with data, allowed him to understand, barely.

The poor fools of this planet. The apocalypse was literally upon them.

"Idiot's grandstanding again." Unlike the stunned man, Waltz wasn't impressed by the display in the slightest. Raising a single wrinkled hand, he knocked a knuckle on seemingly empty space, sending titanic, yet for the most part undetected shockwaves through reality, up into the sky and rattling the realm above that went beyond worlds. "Shadow! You know that shit won't work on Syl! Come down here already you dramaqueen!"

The reaction wasn't immediate. Or loud.

About a mile away from the village, an ebony pillar of pure nothingness manifested, stretching up to the heavens. No ominous winds, power, or explosions were made in the process. Making those when moving long distances while not going all out was the signs of a novice.

Still, the direct arrival of the woman that could be considered royalty among the multiverse was detected by anyone that had a decent amount of Presence training, unlike before.

Each and every individual that was simply aware of the true nature of what was beyond their world froze as they felt what could only be described as the world itself sinking from the weight of something massive arriving.

"Great. As if Ghost hasn't already woken up enough local monstrosities." Waltz groaned before glancing at Dima. Or rather, where Dima had been sitting just a moment ago.

The human that went by Shadow Oogakari leered over the planet. One of the few that had betrayed her, that reduced her to an unstable wreck for millennia was right here. She would have her retribution. Regardless of the costs. Regardless of the lives. Reg-?!

The realm of absence and darkness, her crafting materials for reality and all it entailed, had been invaded by pure light. Washing away the nothing. Washing away stability. Washing away her realm. It was for a moment, but she had been paralyzed by being stripped of her element.

"Why is it every time we meet up I have to calm you down in one way or another, Shadow?" A familiar voice groaned, though there wasn't much effort put into the complaint. "You really do need to cut back on the sweets. I don't care if you have a stupid fast metabolism, that much sugar can't be good for that screwed up head of yours."

She held back a snarl and grimaced as she opened her eyes and found herself locked in an orb of pure light. Stolen from the stars. Stolen from electricity. Stolen from the sun. It surrounded her like a cocoon, shining on nothing on the world save herself, and thus invisible to everything but herself.

"You! Who are you!? How dare you interfere?!" Her temper unraveled further, the primal, ancient instincts she inherited from the great mother taking over.

Despite the suffocating killing intent she radiated, overwhelming enough to murder most weaklings instantly, the offender merely sighed. She saw him now. An old man in military garb. Not a hair on his head, staring at her with strangely familiar eyes. "Really? Do we have to do this every time we meet up? We've known each other or almost two thousand years Shadow. This stupid gag is older than Waltz."

"If you will not answer me then begone. My curiosity has prolonged this long enough." Time and space began to bend all around them. Pockets of nothing and everything opened, contorting and mutilating the world, spawning irregularities, twisting the truth, mutilating her prison, butchering the light…

The old man sighed and rolled his eyes, as though he was not about to be murdered in a billion different ways at once. Raising a hand, he snapped his fingers…

… And suddenly began to sparkle as though he was covered in an absurd amount of glitter.

The woman who was The Beginning, blinked.

Like a rubber band pulling back to its original form, every distorted twist in the world snapped back to its initial state almost instantly. There was no black pillar. There was no impending doom. There were no holes in reality.

"DIIIIIIIMMMMMMAAAAAAA!"

There were only two humans flying in the night sky. A young hyperactive woman with a wide and genuinely happy grin on her face…

… And an old, bald, deadpanning man, sparkling almost comically despite the fact that she was climbing over him like a monkey, offering no resistance in the process.

An old, bald man that had at one point in time been a certified, grade A, top class, bishounen.

Shikamaru could only stand in complete confusion, shock and fear from a short distance away, completely bewildered as to what the hell he had just seen.

o. o. o.

"Is something the matter?"

Tobi blinked a few times before remembering where he was. "Ah. No. I just started feeling reaaaaaaly weird for a moment. Like we just barely avoided something suuuuuuuper scary from happening."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Hidan continued to laugh his ass off from another part of the room with renewed vigor, as if what Tobi had just said was the most hilarious thing he had ever heard. Everyone pretended to ignore him, which was starting to get incredibly hard to do.

Kisame had been about to make a sarcastic comment to what Tobi had just said, but he thought better of it. The less of a reason Hidan had to be loud and annoying these days, the better. "Hey boss. I know I'm pushing it by asking, but could you use some of your godly powers to shut him up for a bit? I can hardly hear myself think here."

Pain's eyes narrowed just a fraction at Kisame's request, but didn't immediately say anything. While he was normally used to just demanding someone to do something and have it done almost immediately, Hidan was proving to be more and more of an outlier to this pattern as of late.

"… If Hidan's behavior does not improve in the near future, I may just fulfil that request." He turned his attention to the priest, emitting a small amount, at least from his perspective, of killing intent. Normally that was enough to shut anyone up save for Tobi.

"Hehehahaha! Ha! Oh how hilarious! The cripple with donated parts still wishes to play with his toys! Hehehe!" Hidan continued his fits without care. The only reason why he stayed with Akatsuki now was because they had tasked themselves with a grand goal that would shake the world to its core. War would spawn from their actions, and lives in the millions would be affected in the process. Lives that he could harvest and corrupt as he pleased. Lives that belonged to the Family…

His giggling continued, but soon he realized it was the only thing he could hear. His eyes roamed about, examining his woefully clueless coconspirators, only to note that they were all frozen in place. They did not breathe. They did not move. They did not react. Time had stopped for him...

… and the man that was casually poking and prodding Pain. The man that wasn't there just moments earlier.

"So much for a God. Idiot can't even tell when a sub timeline is being made. What a scrub. Even the minion would be able to tell at least this much." Ghost snorted, unimpressed at the Rinnegan user as he sat hunched over the back of a chair.

The God of None. The omnipotent truth that was The End, was right in front of him, and Hidan didn't even know the guy was coming until he had already been there for some time.

"Pfffffahahahahahahahahaha!" The Mad Priest burst out into a new round of hysteria. The absurdity and irony of it all was overwhelming.

"Shut up."

Unlike when literally everyone else told him to be quiet at any point in his life, this time Hidan obliged instantly. It was an unnatural reaction for an unnatural man.

"Despite how I look, I'm not in a particularly forgiving mood right now. I have a massive headache, and all in all, I'd like to get this shit done with by the time the buzz of my whiskey induced intoxication wears off." Ghost turned his head, arms acting as an improvised pillow, casual words and casual stance, but his entire frame was overshadowed in darkness and his glasses reflecting light that didn't exist. "I don't care if you had no idea what the fuck you were doing at the time. The bottom line is that you've stepped on a lot of big toes, Acolyte."

Hidan opened his mouth to reply. The only sound that came out of his mouth was a bloody gurgle as his tongue was severed and a hole was made in the back of his throat, making him collapse as his spine was destroyed at the base of his skull. His body fell lifelessly.

"I didn't give you permission to talk." Ghost had yet to move from his spot. His expression had yet to change.

No grand movements. No subtle ones.

No elaborate abilities. No blasts of raw elements.

No spike in power. No brief flickers.

No sudden change in emotion. Not even a minor twitch.

All of those things were pointless, useless, and meaningless to him.

Hidan wasn't able to tell what he had been hit with. A blast of wind that cleanly blasted through his mouth? A contortion of time space that tore through him? A blindingly fast jab with the man's bare hands? He couldn't tell if it was one or all of those things and more at once that had deformed his body instantly.

The Priest had fucked up, and as a result he was punished for it. The effect was guaranteed. The cause was inconsequential. Such was the authority of the man standing there. Even the world itself couldn't process his actions if he so chose. Only the results.

"As far as I'm concerned, you are a mistake. An accident that came about by sheer chance and horrible luck. The fact that you are still around after interfering with my entertainment is a miracle in itself. You will be grateful that you are still around to comprehend that much, and you will be grateful to follow my next orders to the letter. Am I understood?"

Despite not being able to move, Hidan's regenerative abilities had already allowed him to recover enough to regain use of his lungs. "Aa-!?"

Twenty seven holes were instantly made all over his body at every angle, including one that speared through his right eye and out the back of his skull.

"Am I understood?"

He was bleeding everywhere. Not a single part of his body was mutilated or crippled in some way. Even if he was undying and possessed a butchered connection to a genuine God, Hidan was completely at Ghost's mercy, surrounded by the temporally frozen bodies of Akatsuki, all oblivious of what was happening right in front of them.

He couldn't help but smile widely at the absurdity of his situation. It was an ugly red thing with his butchered tongue hanging lifelessly halfway out of his maw, but it conveyed his thoughts on the matter flawlessly. Pure, unfiltered madness and power. Yes. The God of None was all that he had learned from the connection and more. A monster with no pity for those that did not have his favor. This world, this undeserving little world, was blessed with such magnificence and yet the populace had absolutely no idea what it was host to.

Despite the agonizing pain that he was in, one that would floor anyone else there if not kill, the priest managed to nod once.

"Good, because if you don't play nice, we won't stop at just you." They'd go all the way in order to show their displeasure. They'd go after the Deity itself. The stupid existence that foolishly decided to answer the Priest's call… and because his connection and the world itself were cut off from everything else, the main entity would be none the wiser of their coming.

There were not many that were capable of genuinely killing actual Gods, those that existed across many if not all realms at once. The Family, the original Family though, those monsters were not just capable, but had turned the activity into an art. Taking out a single one was more than a simple task for them.

For the first time since he sold his existence to his patron, Hidan felt genuine fear, and began to sweat.

If Ghost noticed the man's reaction, he didn't show it, or rather, he ignored it as something inconsequential. "Now that we're on the same page, here are the guidelines that you're going to follow from now on…"

o. o▄█.

"Well?"

Hidan blinked as Pain expected his response. Everyone in the room was where they had been. Everyone was focusing on him. Everyone was completely clueless as to what had just happened.

"Heh. Heheheh. Fine. Fine. I'll shut up for now. Stupid heathens." The mad priest giggled in a subdued manner, wild madness still in his eyes, but tempered, as though someone had just smothered half of it.

He was standing exactly where he had been before. There was not a scratch or blemish on his body, and all his organs and blood were once again inside his flesh.

Idiots. Clueless idiots. They had no idea how things really worked. About the real pecking order here.

He would play nice for now. He was blessed by the almighty Jashin. That was the only voice he held above all others… however that did not omit the God of None's demands from being followed. The priest was a man of faith after all. His devotion belonged to only one great lord, but that did not mean he flippantly dismissed the demands of the higher echelon when given directly.

He wasn't smart, but he wasn't a complete idiot.

"Finally." Sasori wasn't normally one to complain, unless his impatience was being tested, but Hidan had not shut up on the entire trip back to Ame.

"Leader's pretty scary, isn't he?" The white half of Zetsu chuckled, clearly misinterpreting Hidan's behavior to Pain's threat.

"Shut up. We've wasted enough time as it is." The black half chided. "I'm more concerned about the statue."

Everyone there turned their attention to the Gedo Statue, a twisted monstrosity if any of them had seen one, further contorted now after its attempts to break free.

When the black embers had appeared, the normally inanimate object began to writhe and contort, fighting against its bonds and roaring endlessly. It was as if the mad beast was trying to escape from something, like a mad caged best that knew a tsunami was coming in the distance. It had taken Pain, Konan, Zetsu, Tobi, Kisame, and Itachi the better part of six hours to restrain the blasted thing to the point that it would be unable to destroy its surroundings anymore. Luckily, or not, Sasori, Hidan, and Kakuzu arrived just after the worst had taken place.

This was unprecedented. Never at any point in time had the Gedo statue reacted to anything other than Pain's or, secretly, Tobi's prompting. It was called a statue for a reason. Lifeless. Motionless. Powerless. Just a titanic monument to something twisted and malformed that had been forgotten in ages past.

It was a good thing that Pain had relocated it to the outskirts of the Land of Rain several years ago from its chamber below Ame. The village would have possibly been damaged beyond repair had it gone berserk there.

"Has it ever acted like that before?" Sasori inquired curiously.

"No." Pain denied flatly, not bothering to give out more details.

"It was only recently that we absorbed the Six Tails. Perhaps it will be more active the more Biju it takes in." Kakuzu suggested. "I have always found it peculiar that this thing supposedly can hold all of the biju in the first place without trouble. Jinchuriki are one thing, but all nine at once is completely unheard of. Something as abnormal as this must be capable of more than just being an obnoxiously ominous chakra storage container."

"Are you implying something Kakuzu?" The leader's question was as impassive as ever, but the threat was heard loud and clear.

"I'm implying that when a supposedly mindless beast comprising of raw power not only starts to speak, but flat out states that it knows what we are planning to do with it, certain warnings in a person's head are lit up." The miser didn't back down for once, his thoughts occupied by what the Seven Tails had hissed at him before he had escaped.

"You will not bring it back."

His hand reached for his stomach, where he had nearly been cut in half by whatever stupid trick Hidan's power had enacted. Recovery was far slower than he had liked. True, he should be dead by all rights, but he was greedy like that. Never had he been unable to stich himself from a wound like this before. It was, well, he was already unnatural, but this was a step further than even that, and he didn't like it.

"It spoke?" Kisame rose an eyebrow and chuckled. "Did it lie down and play fetch too?"

"'You will not bring it back.' That's what it said." Kakuzu pressed forward. He did not get to be one of the oldest shinobi on the planet by being careless. Even with his extra hearts, he rarely allowed himself to be sloppy or unobservant. There were powers out in the world that were best left sleeping, regardless of the pay. The only reason why he went with Pain's pursuit of the biju was because everyone worth their salt knew of them and what they could do by now. Hell, he had fought a third of them in one form or another before Pain was even born.

The room was ominously quiet, save for Hidan's near perpetual giggling.

Kakuzu didn't go into the deal completely blind, but waking up or triggering something that needed all the Biju… that had red flags written all over it. "Whatever it is, I'm getting paid appropriately for something that even has the Biju on alert. Nonnegotiable."

"Seems like your secret plan might not be so secret after all." Kisame's hungry grin widened. "Which is quite interesting, seeing as not even half of us know what it is exactly either. Or so I've been led to believe."

A traitor. Someone among them was a traitor. Worse still was that said loose end seemed to know what the end game plan was. Either it was someone that Pain, the self-proclaimed God, had trusted, or someone that had managed to pull a fast one under said "God's" nose. Either way, it was a tremendous failure to the leader of Akatsuki.

The killing intent in the room was proof enough of Pain's displeasure.

Many in the room looked around. Some in wariness. Others in curiosity. A couple in eagerness, waiting for someone to screw up and get murdered.

"We have underestimated them."

Surprisingly, it was Itachi who broke the silence.

"Hoh?" Kisame looked to his partner in genuine curiosity.

"Kakuzu said it himself. The beast spoke." The Uchiha droned as though the matter was a simple one. "If the biju are more coherent of the world than we first anticipated, then it should not be surprising that they managed to suspect something when told that we desired to gather all nine of them. That is, so long as what the Leader has planned coincides with their assumptions."

The two doujutsu users stared at one another with unreadable expressions for what seemed like an eternity.

"… It doesn't matter what they anticipate we will do with the Biju." Pain broke it, his voice impassive as ever. "Once we have them, their knowledge on the matter will do them little good. Obtaining them is all that matters. And I only pay for biju that are obtained in the first place."

"Tch." Kakuzu grunted in annoyance, but didn't argue otherwise. He knew a lost battle when he saw one.

"Speaking of failed attempts, where is Deidara? Don't tell me he got killed when I wasn't looking." Sasori looked around. It was rare for Pain to start a big meeting with a person missing. Personally, he hoped the bomber hadn't gotten killed in a ditch somewhere. He had plans for the loudmouth's corpse if it was in one piece. Explosion release was a useful skill to get a hold on if possible, but it was rare that a user ever died physically intact. They had a bad habit of having a "taking you out with me" mentality when in fights they couldn't win normally.

"Oh. Deidara-sempai got caught." Tobi tilted his head to the side innocently.

Everyone turned to look at him, as though realizing he was there for the first time.

"… Who the hell are you?" Kakuzu blatantly asked.

"Tobi is Tobi!"

"Pain, I thought you rose our standards with new recruits after Hidan." The miser shot their leader an almost accusing glare. His temper was dwindling to dangerously low thresholds.

"Hey! That's mean! Tobi isn't crazy! Tobi is childishly innocent!"

"Kekekekekekeke." Hidan couldn't help but let out a bout of chuckles at that statement.

"The last childishly innocent idiot I came across butchered the recruit before you, so forgive me if I don't buy your act." Sasori glared at the masked fool.

"Eeeeh? Sounds scary. So my senpai killed my senpai? Tobi's confused now." Tobi scratched his head in confusion and pretended to be thinking hard on the subject.

"What part of Hidan is childishly innocent? His maturity?" Kisame blinked in genuine confusion.

"Tobi's a good boy. And useful." Black Zetsu spoke up for the newcomer.

"Unlike the last one, Tobi is hard to kill. He'll earn his worth in spades." White half agreed.

"Great. Just what we need. Another loud mouthed idiot that won't die. As if the ones that we already have aren't enough." Kakuzu ground out.

Kisame took a moment to look at the other members of Akatsuki before turning to his teammate. "Have I mentioned how much I appreciate our partnership recently, Itachi?"

The Uchiha didn't say anything. His expression was once again as impassive as a brick wall, and the faint sound of him eating another stick of pocky was heard in place of words.

"I'll take that as a yes."

"Tobi's a shinobi that I've had my eye on for some time. Behavior aside, his abilities will prove useful to our cause." Pain interjected before they could get distracted again. "Now explain what you mean when you said Deidara got captured."

"Mmmm." Tobi scratched his cheek casually, as if thinking back to what happened. "Well, we did to get ahold of one of those girls you were talking about, but then this reaaaaaaly scary guy with lightning ninjutsu raided the rebellion's headquarters and chased us. We barely managed to get away from him, but then we were stuck near Iwa. Deidara-sempai then tried to use her as a hostage to either start a war between Konoha and Iwa, or to stop them from going after us… but then this other guy who was even scarier than the first showed up and cut off both of sempai's arms before anyone noticed! THEN he used this crazy jutsu to torture the entire village until they let him walk out the front gates and said that if they tried to get back at Konoha for what he did he would come back and torture them more."

The cavern was dead quiet.

"What." Kisame summed up their thoughts adequately.

"That's exactly what Tobi said!" Tobi shouted, arms waving wildly. "Even Tobi thought it didn't make sense, and Tobi was there!"

"Where is Deidara?" Pain frowned. One nightmare at a time.

"Oh sempai? He has been captured by Iwa." Tobi calmed down instantly and answered the question as if the bomber was an afterthought.

"Idiot." Sasori sighed, though not surprised. After what he heard, it was really a coin toss between that and being dead.

"And the women that Deidara was supposed to get?" Pain acted as if he unconcerned by the news.

"Sempai killed one, and the really really scary guy took the other." Tobi replied simply. "From what Tobi could tell, she was the reason why he was there in the first place."

"Girls?" Kakuzu echoed, as curious as everyone else there that didn't know already.

"Did you find out who these problems were?"

"They weren't in the mood to really talk to us. They were more interested in tearing us apart." Tobi crossed his arms in thought. "Sempai said that he knew the first one. He was called Scabbard or something. The funny old Kage recognized the second one too. His name was… er… oh yeah. Ghost Oogakari."

"Again with the Oogakari." Sasori stated. "First with the Nanabi and now with this. They have moved from an annoyance to being a genuine problem."

"… Leader, who were the girls?" Itachi spoke up again, drawing attention to himself. "I find it hard to believe that they would personally go through such lengths for just anyone. Invading and making a scene in an enemy village is out of character for their profile."

"Hana of the Three Plains, heiress to the Inuzuka Clan, and Snake Mistress Anko Mitarashi, Orochimaru's former student." Sasori answered for his boss, being the one to supply the information in the first place. "Also rumored to be lovers to Ghost Oogakari."

"KeheheheheHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Hidan burst out laughing, falling to his side again.

"Something you wish to add to the conversation, Hidan?" Pain asked, but everyone knew it was an order.

"Y-You actually thought it was a good idea to lay a hand on that monster's women? Hehehehe! It's a miracle we all still exist! Hahahahahaha!" The Priest couldn't help but hold his thoughts back on the matter.

"Monster? That idiot?" Kisame snorted, recalling the time the man had hung from a tree upsidedown and knocked out by Itachi's illusions.

Kakuzu's eyes narrowed. Hidan was many things, and psychotic on top of that, but this was the first time that the man had ever heard his partner describe someone as a genuine monster before.

"I'm surprised that you are even aware of who the man is." Sasori added his two cents. "You don't exactly get out that much. Unless the guy also dabbles in religious nonsense like you do."

"Hehehehe. Idiot. Idiot idiot idiot! You don't even know! You're all so stupid! And you call yourself a god! Hehehehehe!"

"And what is it we are supposed to know about him?" Pain's eyes narrowed, finally losing patience.

Hidan smiled before pausing and looking around, as if finally noticing that people were actually paying attention to him. He scrunched his face up in thought, for once, before finally shrugging helplessly, as if there was nothing he could do about it. "He's a God Killer."

"A God Killer." Zetsu deadpanned.

"A super God Killer." Hidan nodded, as if the extra word made perfect sense.

"Is that even a thing? Even Tobi thinks that sounds stupid." Tobi tilted his head to the side, confused.

"If that's so important and hilarious to you, why didn't you bring that up earlier?" Sasori shook his head. "This isn't the first time the man has been brought up."

"But I wasn't one with Jashin-sama then." Hidan pouted. "I was one with Jashin-sama earlier, but we got cut apart, so I only know what I know, which is more than I used to know, but still not even comparable to what Jashin-sama knows."

"Uwa. Tobi's head hurts. What does Hidan-sempai know?"

"It's Hidan. He didn't know anything useful period." Kakuzu sighed before turning to Pain. "Ignore the idiot and focus on Deidara again, otherwise we're going to be scratching our heads about his nonsense all night. At best, Hidan just said that the Oogakari dabble in whatever nonsense he does. We'll bother with it when it actually matters."

"When it matters, he says. Heheheheh." Hidan giggled, his volume lowering back once more to background noise.

"What about the Tsuchikage? Onoki?" Pain turned to Tobi again. "Where was he when you and Deidara were busy failing the task I gave you?"

"The small old man with the funny nose?" Tobi brought a hand to his chin. "He was out pretty quick. First he and Sempai were saying lots of mean things to one another, then that Oogagagaki guy showed up. At first he was really funny, but then he cut off Sempai's arms. Then the old man tried to arrest him, but the guy started this creepy game where someone would kill him and he'd kill the village until either he died or they'd let him go. The ninja there said that he wasn't a clone or an illusion, but Tobi didn't believe it. The old man blasted him with this super cool jutsu at one point, but the guy just came back! Even Tobi thinks that's impossible without genjutsu."

"… It's probably the air." Sasori mused. "He's rumored to be a master with an absurd range and diversity of wind jutsu. Something about having a technique that has him constantly pouring chakra into the air around him for better control. It wouldn't be surprising if breathing it instantly puts the victim under a heavy hypnosis. And if he was in the area long enough, he'd have more than enough time and air to snag the entire village with none the wiser."

"Clever, but nothing particularly outstanding compared to that of a God." Pain dismissed the findings quickly.

They all ignored Hidan's laughter after the comment.

"The Kyubi's Jinchuriki uses a similar wind technique from what I've been told, if not the same." Kakuzu added. "It would be best if we were on guard for similar tactics should we encounter him."

"That's all well and good, but how are we going to deal with Deidara." Kisame spoke up. "I mean, from what the new kid's told us, he's still alive and in Iwa's hands. If they do manage to crack him, it won't be good business for us, will it? They are one of our biggest clients, and they are the only major village that isn't actively hunting us down at the moment."

That was the biggest problem at hand. Deidara screwed things up royally this time. They had plans for Iwa. Keyword. Had.

Pain closed his eyes for several long moments. "… It can't be helped. We will have to move up our timetable for Iwa and put our plans for the Nanabi to the side for now."

"Oho?" Kisame's hungry grin widened.

"I will take charge this time though." The Rinnegan was once more visible. "After our last few failures, it has become clear to me that I cannot trust any of you with something as vital as this."

Itachi didn't really care that he and Kisame were being lumped into the mix of failures despite the fact that they had yet to screw up anything in the past three years. The less attention he had the better.

"Are you certain? Exposing yourself this early..." Konan spoke for the first time the meeting. The woman had a habit of speaking less frequently than Itachi.

"It can't be helped. The longer we wait, the longer we will be at a disadvantage. If we procrastinate even more, we will be on the defensive before we even get halfway to our goal." Pain stated firmly.

"If the other villages find out that Ame is our base of operations and manage to join together to act before we gain stronger footing, then it will be nearly impossible to recover." Black Zetsu warned. "These next few moves of ours will make or break Akatsuki."

"Ehh. Then Tobi came in at a really important time. Ok! Tobi won't fail!" The masked man cheered.

As all the other members began to go over what they needed for the weeks ahead, ignoring the loudest people there, Tobi quietly made eye contact with the few people that knew who he was. First Pain. Then Konan. Then Zetsu.

He wouldn't allow any more failures. Zetsu was right. Despite having all their members still, they were on the brink of falling apart with the miniscule progress they had made recently. More radical plays would need to be made in order for them to achieve success.

Zetsu would have to be more active than planned and show more of his hand than either of them would like, but sacrifices were a given due to the circumstances.

He felt a subtle chill down his spine. The Uchiha turned his head to see Hidan looking at him unwavering. The madman's smile widened as he realized that he had been caught, but made no effort to hide his guilt.

Presence. That bizarre power had turned Hidan into something that unnerved even Tobi. Something had changed about the priest, and his further unstable state was only a symptom of it. The masked man could tell that the immortal was corrupted by something… alien.

That blasted woman. He should have pulled out more information about this power and the repercussions of its use before she went and got herself killed. Now he didn't know if it was safe to teach the others about it in the first place and…

"You can teach them."

The masked man froze as Hidan's voice softly caressed the back of his spine like a rusty nail.

"None of you are special like me. Jashin-sama accepted me, but none of you heathens are blessed with devotion. You all have to stand by yourselves, just like everyone else."

Tobi warily made eye contact with the madman, who in turn smiled sweetly, thoroughly enjoying every moment of the conversation. "What do you know?"

The twisted expression of glee widened. "As it is, this little gathering will fail, one way or another. Magnificently. I know it. You know it. They know it. Even your pretty little statue knows it."

"And you are fine with it?"

"Haha. Fool. I'm damned regardless of what happens. Why lament about what is ensured? No, I merely desire to last long enough to see the world weep joyously with crimson rivers and humanity cry out a grand chorus of life and freedom in its final moments."

"That's not my plan." Tobi's eye narrowed dangerously.

"It's rarely anyone's. That's why I look forward to it." Hidan humored his so called kohai gleefully.

His lone eye narrowed. He had waited for decades for this plan to come together, and now it was at risk of falling apart just as it was getting started. Not only that, but he was being mocked for it by the most useless part of his organization. Normally he had the patience to put his pride to the side for the betterment of his goals and precaution…

… But too much was at stake now. It would take too long to get nearly as far as he was he was now.

"Tobi. Is something the matter?"

The newcomer turned to Pain, noting that only a few people were paying attention to him or taking him seriously. The interaction between himself and Hidan had clearly been masked by some method that went past all their detection. Another thing that rubbed him the wrong way just thinking about it.

"Uh…" He rocked on his feet, ironically actually stalling for time for once to gather his thoughts instead of simply faking it like he normally did. Should he take the plunge? Ethics be damned, he didn't care about anyone in the room really. The problem was he still needed them to be useful. Turning them all like Hidan was not something he enjoyed imagining, but then again, he was still fine.

Time was running out though, and a good number of his enemies already knew how to use this ability for years. They would have a head start on it. He knew enough to know that it would take years to catch up to the enemy in that regard, but even so the small boost would help out a great deal in the long run.

That, and it was unlikely that every member in Akatsuki would be in the same spot again anytime soon. It was rare that everyone was in attendance, for good or bad reasons. If he was to do it, it would have to be now.

"Um… Tobi has a confession to make. Tobi recently learned how to use that freaky technique that those foreigners use. They call it Presence."

There was no going back now. All for the plan. All for peace.

o. o. o.

"Ok. I can understand it if Naruto and Hinata came back practically sparkling, but why the hell are you two glowing?" Tenten warily looked up from her breakfast to see Ino looking absolutely stress free and happily leaning on Chouji, who was clearly battling mixed feelings.

"I'm under unspoken obligations to not divulge the nature of our current status." Chouji stated professionally.

"Blame Naruto. Got ya." Tenten brushed him off and went back to her meal as though what she had just learned was absolutely meaningless to her.

"She's practically glowing." Sakura looked at her best friend with a degree of surprise. "If I wasn't so terrified of what the answer would be, I'd ask for details."

"And it's that common sense that I find among the most attractive things about you." Sasuke sat down next to her with his own meal. As far as he was concerned, crazy should be regulated before he had some food in his stomach and coffee in hand.

"Really? I thought I taught you two better than that." Kakashi casually joined the group with a book in one hand and a cup of black gold in the other.

"If we took all your lessons to heart, we'd be late to our own funerals." Sakura grumbled as she dug into her meal.

"Don't know why you'd want to go. Dreadfully boring those things are." The silver haired man didn't look up as he flipped a page with his thumb and took a sip of his morning caffeine. "Speaking of premature demises, has there been any signs of life from our resident bad luck charm?"

"There were no screams of terror or revenge since he was taken from us last night. Why do I know this? Because I was up last night waiting for Hinata to come back to talk to her." Shino spoke up from an unseen corner.

"Think it was a good idea to leave them alone?" Tenten rose an eyebrow. "Both of them have been pieces of work lately. With that many wires crossed, it wouldn't be that hard for something bad to spark and get out of control."

"I… don't think it would get that far." Chouji shifted uncomfortably, recalling his conversation with Naruto from the other day. "I doubt there's anyone more aware of just how messed up things are than Naruto himself. He wouldn't risk his relationship with Hinata haphazardly."

"Hmm. He has a point. In the words of the nut himself: he's crazy, not stupid." Sasuke nodded, looking down at his now empty meal with his mask still undisturbed. His coffee was still there though. Good things were best taken slowly.

That and rushing down hot coffee hurt like hell. He may have a fire element but there were some things that simply just weren't done.

"Speak of the devil." Sakura nodded her head to the edge of the camp, causing everyone else to turn in the same direction…

To see an absolutely shining Hinata slightly stagger to them with the most peaceful and satisfied smile they had ever seen on anyone in existence, with Naruto in fox form lodged between her breasts and sleeping if the bubble of snot coming from his nose was any clue.

"Holy shit. And I thought I had a good night." Ino blinked in genuine awe. "And here we thought you two weren't going all the way last night."

Hinata gave out what sounded like the world's most content sigh and mumbled something in pure bliss just out of their hearing range.

"Care to repeat that for your audience Hinata?" Kakashi's tone and posture were as cool as could be, but there was nothing that could hide the hungry curiosity in his lone eye.

The Princess sat down on the nearest rock after serving herself a few small portions of food, her smile ever present and her body language more relaxed than they had ever seen her. "We didn't have sex."

"Bullshit." Tenten, Ino, Sakura, and (un)surprisingly Kakashi called her out on it on reflex.

Everyone took a moment to pause and stare at Kakashi accusingly. "What? Just because I'm single doesn't mean I don't know how to satisfy women and know what they look like after pleasing them intimately."

"Bullshit." That time, everyone save Kakashi fell victim to their instincts.

"We didn't have sex." Hinata repeated her words, ignoring her friends ripping into Kakashi out of habit, and just staring at her food.

"Uh. Yeah. Hinata, we heard you the first time." Tenten looked back at her friend with a look of confusion.

"We didn't have sex…" The Hyuuga looked up, a stupid smile on her face, a small amount of drool coming from her mouth, and eyes filled with pure bliss. "… But we did everything else."

Everyone stared at the girl with blank expressions, as if trying to translate what she had just said.

Kakashi broke the monotony first with a thumbs up and a bright shine of approval in his eye. "Well done my pupil."

Naruto replied by sneezing, shaking his head on reflex, and continuing to snore in pure unconsciousness.

"Well done indeed."

"Neji's gonna be pissed when he learns of this." Tenten rolled her eyes. Her boyfriend had dedicated more than a good deal of time preserving Hinata's image and purity over the past few years to be a bit miffed about what had happened.

"Kurenai-sensei will have a few thoughts on the matter as well." Shino went back to his meal, as if nothing important happened.

"Oh I am making her talk when we have some time to ourselves." Ino jealously stared at Hinata with envy.

"Way to make a guy feel unappreciated and incompetent Ino." Chouji sulked next to his girlfriend, who he had supposedly pleasured immensely last night.

"Chouji, last night was wonderful and magnificent, but you look at that girl and tell me that you aren't somewhat impressed with the results." Ino argued her case defiantly.

"Impressed is one word to describe it. "Reasonably unnerved" and "cautiously wary" are others that I can use without pause." Chouji dryly retorted as he finished his first serving and got up for seconds. Being curious about the sex life of his friends was a perfectly natural thing, but he drew the line at whatever Hinata and Naruto would get themselves into. Not only would finding out entail… well… actually knowing what those two would do, but it also meant knowing that you'd be in possession of information that Neji and the rest of the Hyuga clan would murder you for having.

"I'm more impressed that Hinata actually wore him out." Sakura plainly stated while sipping her morning coffee, as if the shock had already passed her.

"Really?" Sasuke rose a skeptical eyebrow.

"Not by much." Sakura shrugged, giving her boyfriend a brief glance before looking at Hinata again with the slightest of blushes on her face.

Sasuke held back a snort, smirking under his mask. The pinkette was without a doubt jealous and tweaked that Ino and Hinata were so satisfied. Unlike them, Sakura had the patience to wait until they got back to Konoha. Also, unlike them, he was less physically sturdy than his female companion, so odds were high that he was the one that was going to be limping the following morning.

Totally worth it though.

"Whatever you horndogs do, just do it downwind, will you?" Tenten groaned. It was too early to gossip about extra active sex lives.

"Tell that to Naruto. He's the one that determines what downwind is." Shino factually pointed out.

"He has a point there." Kakashi agreed before tunring to Hinata. "Just to be sure, is Naruto's in one piece still? No new broken bones? Scars? Concussions? Unnaturally deep rug and or rope burns?"

"Rug burns?" Tenten gave him a questioning look.

"The miracles of sealwork can never be ignored."

"I can't help but note that you are significantly looser with your comments with us around now that we're all promoted."

"You have no idea how hard it was to hold back when I first started training you as genin."

"I'm starting to think that the first few groups you supposedly failed were under questionable pretenses."

"I was still in an ANBU mentality. We're actually pretty talkative when no one's around. Right Sasuke?"

"Hn."

"See? That's what he's like when people are around. Perfect ANBU material."

Tenten turned to Sakura. "How do you deal with this guy all the time?"

"Medic." The girl managed to grunt out just before swallowing another portion of her breakfast.

"Ah. Right." Tenten nodded in understanding. It was an unspoken rule among shinobi. While the chain of command varied from group to group, there were two individuals that were universally obeyed and taken seriously if their tempers were pushed: commanding officers and medics. The reason behind it was simple, they were the ones that determined if you lived through the mission or not, one way or another.

"On the subject of questionable silence, how's fuzzy doing?" Ino pointed her chopsticks to the fox on Hinata's person. "Did you seriously outlast him Hinata? Because if you did there are several betting pools that are going to have a field day when we get back home."

"No they won't. Why? Because they didn't have sex." Shino pointed out factually.

"No sex my ass. Mark my words I'll have the truth by the end of the day." Ino puffed her cheeks out like a child. She was a woman on a gossiping mission and she would not be denied.

"Naruto's fine. He's just tired." Hinata's semi delirious state somewhat weakened as she petted him on the head gently. The fox didn't wake up, but he did surprisingly begin to purr. "He's been tired for a long time."

"He has been sleeping a lot." Sasuke noted. "Even before he started mutilating himself."

It was true. Despite being with them for a few weeks now, it was rare for there to be a day where the blonde wasn't awake more than he was asleep, or at least, meditating heavily. He was still horrifyingly annoying and energetic when he was awake, and he did spend a good deal of time working out to keep in decent condition, but the fact that he still slept so much wasn't natural.

"That's not a good sign." Ino hesitantly spoke up. "Hypersomnia. It's more a symptom than a standalone problem. If we rule out normal genetic and physical issues due to his regeneration, and any genetic history since this only recently started, then most of the other causes they might be are mental."

"Either he's been kept awake for far longer than he should be, or he's suffering from some kind of depression." Sakura nodded in agreement.

"He has nightmares." Hinata hesitantly confirmed their suspicions. "He won't say what, but… Like I said earlier, he's been tired for a long time. I don't think he's able to relax as easily as he used to anymore despite how he acts. I can calm him down, but sometimes they get bad enough to shock him awake. It takes him a few moments to remember where he is when it happens."

"I talked to him yesterday." Chouji came clean. "He knows that he's messed up, and it's eating away at him like crazy. Hell, he asked me for advice on how to stay grounded and how I can relate to normal people so easily. Mostly because I'm the most down to earth and easy going among everyone here that he can actually talk to."

"The more I hear it, the more I want to ream Ghost a new one." Sasuke grunted. He doubted that anyone in Akatsuki would do as much lasting damage to his best friend more than Ghost had once everything was set and done.

"Stand in line." Kakashi nodded, getting grunts of approval from everyone else there.

Before the conversation could devolve any further, a sudden spike in chakra caught their attentions, and a small cloud of smoke appeared in the middle of their eating area.

"Eh? I came during breakfast? Oh how rude of me! I'm so embarrassed!" A small female toad dressed in a black cloak with an obnoxiously loud voice emerged from the smoke and looked around. "Oh my. You must be Naruto-chan's friends. Yes. You all match his descriptions. I hope you're eating right. Breakfast is important."

"… Eh?" More than a few of the shinobi blinked in genuine confusion.

"Elder Sage." Kakashi found his voice first, though he was just as bewildered as the rest. "What an unexpected surprise. What brings you here so early?"

"Why I'm here for Naruto-chan of course. Didn't he tell you?" The elderly woman blinked in confusion before looking around. "Where is that boy? He sent us a message yesterday that he'd be expecting us and… yet…"

Her pause was understandable, as the blonde fox that she was looking for was wedged between Hinata's breasts.

SMACK!

Before anyone could react, the old toad's tongue shot out of her mouth like a bullet, hammered the fox in between the eyes, and then yanked him out of his resting place, slamming him onto the dirt rather unkindly, and making a small crater in the process.

"NARUTO-CHAN! WHEN I CAME HERE TO PICK YOU UP I EXPECTED MANY THINGS FROM YOUR IRRESPONSIBLE HIDE BUT NEVER WOULD I HAVE THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE SO RUDE AS TO NOT ONLY BE STILL ASLEEP BUT BE IN SUCH A DISRESPECTFUL POSITION!"

"… Eh?" Many of the shinobi there repeated themselves. The violent display happened in slow motion to them, anchoring them to their seats as their brains caught up to the events. It was almost as if they were just realizing that they were witnessing a train crash right in front of them.

Whatever Naruto would have said in retort to her accusations was replaced by an animalistic hybrid hiss and howl of pain and confusion.

"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR EXCUSES ARE YOUNG MAN! APOLIGIZE! RIGHT NOW!"

This time the fox hissed angrily, shaking his head to rid himself of the dust he was covered in.

"Language Naruto." Kakashi chided absently.

"You understood that?" Chouji looked at their teacher.

"You don't raise ninken from birth and teach them to talk without learning some of their lingo in the process. Foxes are close enough that I can catch every other word." The Cyclops shrugged. "On a side note, Inuzuka hounds have a rather colorful vocabulary if you can get them to hold a conversation."

"YOU DARE POINT THAT DIRTY MOUTH AT ME?! THAT'S IT YOUNG MAN! COME HERE SO I CAN GIVE YOU A PROPER SPANKING! I MAY BE OLD BUT I CAN STILL DEAL PUNISHMENT WHEN NEEDED! THERE'S A REASON WHY BUNTA STILL WATCHES HIS OVERGROWN MOUTH WHEN I'M AROUND!"

"What on earth is all that shouting abou-… why is there a frog and fox fighting in the middle of camp?" Taruho walked into their area, only to pause and observe the unexpected super powered cockfight that had hypnotized everyone else.

Somewhere in the multiverse, the population of an entire genre of realities sneezed at once.

"I'M A TOAD!"

"Ninja stuff." Several of them reflexively answered at once as Naruto and Shima rolled around on the ground smacking and hitting one another silly while shouting viciously at once another. As adaptive as they were, even they didn't know how to deal with the current situation.

"Sooo… should we put bets on this?" Tenten warily threw the question in the air.

"Better not. It might make them fight harder, and I'd rather avoid provoking senjutsu users from going all out." Kakashi shot down the suggestion. He sparred against Jiraiya in Sage Mode once. Just once. That was all he really needed to get the point never let an opponent use it if he could help it.

"Oh right. I forgot that that Sage Mode stuff." Ino nodded as Shima started smacking the fox around wildly with her webbed hands without remorse. "But I thought that Naruto couldn't use it right now."

"He's broken the rules before. It would be wise not to tempt him to break that one too." Shino threw in his two cents as Naruto retaliated by latching his teeth on the elder's cloak and wildly flailed her around like a rag doll.

"I thought he was on good terms with the toads." Chouji winced as Shima frog kicked the fox hard enough that the top half of his body was embedded in the ground.

"You could say the same thing about us. Doesn't stop us from smacking him around when he's being an idiot." Sakura leaned to the left, watching the sage scream loudly and fling her tongue in nearly every direction with Naruto biting on it and not letting go.

On a side note, why did her tongue have eyes and a mouth on its end? That's just messed up.

"I… you know what never mind. Do what you want." Taruho shook his head, trying to reason with himself that these people will never make sense. "There are more important things to worry about. There's something wrong with Shion-sama."

"Hm?" Kakashi, Shino, and Sakura, who were closest gave him their full attention. The rest of the shinobi there were still focused on the entertainment there, but their ears were definitely with them as well.

"She's been sweating and uncomfortable starting the middle of the night. I believe that she might be sick, but some of the symptoms don't seem to match up." The aid shifted uncomfortably. The bags under his eyes were a good indication that he had probably been up all night. "I had been treating her all this time under the assumption that she would get better or stabilize in time, but it's been progressively getting worse."

"She hasn't woken up since yesterday's events, has she?" Sakura probed, now in full diagnostic mode and ignoring Shima slamming Naruto on the ground behind her repeatedly with her tongue to get him off.

He shook his head. "No. But she didn't show any symptoms of illness until late last night."

Sakura and Kakashi looked at one another with gazes that were unreadable to those that were outside the loop, before the latter nodded and turned to the scuffling animals. Apparently Naruto had finally gotten the upper hand again and was on top of Shima, strangling her with his tail while the old toad was frantically kicking him in the head to get him off with her legs.

With a hand that darted out like a snake, Kakashi yanked up the surprised Naruto by the scruff, prompting him to yelp in surprise and thrash about before giving his teacher a rather dirty look. It probably would have looked more menacing had there not been half a dozen egg sized bruises sticking out of his skull. "Sorry to interrupt your interesting reunion, but we might need you for a moment Naruto. Shima-sama. It's nice to see you again."

"Humph. At least one brat here knows their manners. Treating an old woman like this. It's going to take me hours to get cleaned up." The elder toad picked herself up and started to brush the dirt and grime off her clothes. "It's been some time Kakashi-chan. Have you been eating right?"

"As well as I can." He shrugged. "Sakura. Shall we see Shion-sama now?"

"Mm. Hinata. We might need your Byakugan, just in case."

"I was going to come regardless." She was already standing and halfway to them. Her mood was significantly less euphoric than it had been earlier, not to mention the drool was off her lips, but she was still more relaxed than she had been the previous few weeks. "Shino. Tenten. Sasuke. You three guard the caravan. Ino, please work on healing Chouji again in the meantime."

"Right." Everyone nodded. Their brief moment of relaxation and amusement had ended. It was time to get back to work.

Two minutes later, Naruto, Kakashi, Sakura, Hinata, and Shima joined Taruho into the rather large and elaborate tent that housed Shion.

Taruho's description of her didn't do her justice. The normally pale girl was now ghost white. Any makeup she had on before had been cleaned off, lest it get messed up from all of the sweat on her face.

"So she's been like this all night?" Sakura went down to the girl and immediately began her inspection.

Taruho frowned in confusion, seeing something the others didn't. "Actually, she was worse when I left. She was in constant discomfort, even when asleep. This is the most stable I've seen her in half a day. And I only just left to see you a few minutes ago."

"Only just now? That certainly is peculiar." Kakashi lazily glanced at the young man and the patient. "Naruto, do you think that this might be a result of what happened yesterday? Shion-sama did seem to be more sensitive to the events than everyone else."

The fox frowned in thought before shaking his head in denial. His eyes didn't turn away from the priestess, and he was clearly trying to figure out some sort of puzzle.

"Everything looks fine." Sakura evenly stated, more to herself than anyone there. "No major irregularities in her chakra, her organs, her heart or mind. Bloods flowing right. Pressure's good…"

"Hm. How peculiar." Shima sniffed the air.

"What is it Elder-sama?" Hinata looked at the toad with hidden curiosity. She wasn't particularly fond of the elder after taking Naruto away from her.

"Normally when a person, animal or human, is ill to this degree, there is the scent of disease and stagnation in the air. Especially in closed areas. But I don't smell any of that in here. Sweat and body odor yes, but no disease." The toad elaborated. "This is more in tune to one suffering from a nightmare, or genjutsu, but there is no intruding chakra that I can detect either."

"Her chakra's stable, and like Elder-sama has said, there isn't any foreign chakra in her system either. At least, not in any notable quantities." Hinata's eyes activated instantly before she frowned. "Naruto, can you please lighten the density of the chakra in here please? I can't see that well in these conditions."

With a small grumble, a sourceless wind was kicked up in the tent through the openings made in the bottom. Enriched chakra exited the pavilion and natural air came in. No dust was kicked up, and any chakra that the fox emitted was guided away from the people there.

The reaction was instant. Shion immediately scrunched up her face and began to tremble. Her breathing became labored, and she began to moan out in pain.

"Her chakra's unstable." Hinata blinked in genuine surprise. "Her system is wreaking havoc on her body all of a sudden."

"Heart rate. Blood pressure. Stress. It's all going up." Sakura instantly tried to stabilize the girl.

"Since last night up until a few minutes ago…" Kakashi frowned before looking at Naruto. "For some reason, she's dependent on your chakra."

"Dependent on his what?" Taruho blinked in alarm.

"Hinata. I need help stabilizing her. I can't make a solid diagnosis on her reactions like this." Sakura ordered.

"Right."

"How odd." Shima mused, speaking from a spectator's standpoint. "I've witnessed and seen people that require the chakra of others to remain sane or calm, and I have heard of rumors of cursed techniques that require the chakra the caster to stay inert, lest the technique eat away at the mind and body of the victim, but this case appears to be unique. Naruto-chan, from what I heard, this only happened recently. Do you have any idea what it could be or how it came to be?"

The small fox growled uncharacteristically before walking to where the three girls were and began inspecting Shion, but made sure not to actually touch her. Only Kakashi and Shima noticed his eyes flickering to Hinata and Sakura in the next few moments.

"Right." As if responding to some sort of command, Sakura began to turn her attention to Shion's head.

"Ok." Hinata in turn focus on the patient's head.

For the following moments, the spectators in the room watched as Shion repeatedly got better and worse at regular intervals, during which Hinata and Sakura swapped between the patient's head and body, making notes and observations in the process.

Then Naruto used his Presence.

It wasn't overwhelming this time. A faint breeze compared to the overwhelming heavens that he seemed to lay claim to, but it was impossible to miss.

"Mmm." Shion stirred the moment that he used it.

And then it was cut off moments later, stopping her awakening just as fast.

"Son of a bitch." Naruto Uzumaki swore softly, no longer a fox but in his normal body, with his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose.

"So what's the story?" Kakashi broke the awkward silence as they all turned to him.

"… She's addicted to me, but not in the way you imagine. My chakra. My Presence…" He reached forward and briefly brushed a finger against her skin. She reacted as if she was breathing for the first time, only to retract when her body realized that they weren't touching anymore. "… Me in general."

"You don't look too confused about it." Sakura pointed out. "You know how it happened then."

"It was when I stabilized her yesterday. When she was reacting to Ero-Ni's power. She couldn't handle what she was seeing with her powers so I used my Presence to help block out what she was seeing and support her." He admitted. "Either I did it for too long, or she isn't as strong as we thought, but either way her mind and body has subconsciously decided to use me as a crutch, more or less."

"You've seen this before." Hinata's statement wasn't hard to come to. Naruto sounded certain about what he was talking about.

"I've heard of this before." He corrected. "In passing. A side note while training and learning more about how Presence works in general. I never thought I'd actually be subject to it first hand and I'm sure as hell not an expert on the matter."

"But you still know more about it than anyone else here." Kakashi pointed out.

"It doesn't matter how you know you've crippled Shion-sama, or why." Taruho firmly stepped forward and glared at the blonde. "Is there a cure and can you fix it?"

"Cure." Naruto snorted, shaking his head. "Shion's developed a dependency on my very existence. It's almost like making an imprint on her psyche, or a tattoo. It's practically etched into her. Details aside, this isn't something that can simply be "cured" with a few convenient jutsu or pills. To my knowledge, there are only two ways to help treat her, and one more that will help her just deal with it. There may be more but I don't know them. Thankfully, Konoha has probably the only people in the elemental nations that do. The best of the best."

"Waltz-sama." Sakura nodded, knowing that if there was anyone that knew how to treat Presence based issues or maladies, it would be the old giant.

"So what can you do then?" Taruho pressed, looking for something more specific.

"I don't know how to fix it completely, if there is a way." Naruto admitted, never taking his eyes off of the priestess. "If her dependency is a mild case, she can be conditioned over time. Expose her to my chakra and power in decreasing increments until she can function without me, but that will take too long, and I am leaving soon."

"What?!" The retainer shouted in alarm, this being the first time he's heard of his plans.

"There's more to what happened yesterday than you'd think." Kakashi put a hand on the young man's shoulder to calm him down. "Unfortunately, due to circumstances that we won't go into, Naruto is, for now, the only person that's capable of addressing them, and time is short."

"The second is to get her to Konoha and have an expert look at her, which we're already in the process of doing and is our best bet. The third," Naruto rose his voice slightly, cutting off Taruho before he could retort, "Which is the safest, is that Shion is exposed to enough of my chakra or me to keep her stable and healthy long enough to get her to Konoha without testing her limits. That is what we are going to do."

"You're going to stay?" Hinata blinked, her voice a mix of concern, happiness, and confusion. "But you just said…"

"That she needs my power. She doesn't need me." The blonde turned and walked outside the tent, followed by everyone else there.

"Can you make your clones last that long?" Kakashi asked, right behind him. "She reacted poorly when you were just away from the area for the night, and we still have at least a couple of weeks left of travelling. I don't think it would be good for anyone if we rushed her back home in critical condition."

"Normal clones won't. Not if they're going to constantly be giving off a certain amount of chakra to support her." The addressed stopped a short distance away from the tent and flexed his fingers.

"You have a different clone technique?" Sakura concluded in genuine surprise. She knew he had learned the earth clone technique, and was working on a wind clone before leaving, but she didn't think that either one of them would have the power or stability needed for the trip.

"Sorta." He grinned briefly, breathing deeply in the process and raised his hands.

Dragon. Snake.

They all felt his chakra change instantly. It was as if they were witnessing a large river of light as air fluid suddenly change its contents to something as thick as sludge, and radiating with unnatural power.

Then came the ever famous and familiar cross.

Even Taruho could see and feel space warp as if something unnaturally heavy and twisted was manifesting as a single shadow clone manifested next to its creator.

"Ngh." Naruto grimaced and began jumping about and shaking his body, his chakra already turning back to normal. "I hate making you guys. You cost more to make than a Senritsu (Melody)."

"Love you too boss." The clone smirked, clearly not experiencing what his creator was going through.

"A shadow clone?" Sakura blinked in confusion.

"A level two shadow clone." Naruto corrected, still shaking his body. "They take an absurd amount of chakra to make, but they're far more stable, durable, and stronger than the normal ones. So long as they aren't doing anything excessive, they can last a good while too."

"I should hope so." Hinata was looking at it with her Byakugan active. "It may be a clone, but it still has more chakra than pretty much anyone by multiples. He was right about it being more stable too. Its pathways are far more distinct and focused than normal ones."

"Well that explains how your dad can spot me out of a crowd of my normal clones instantly." Naruto muttered absently.

"Will it last two weeks?" Kakashi probed.

"Longest we've been clocked is a bit over two months." The clone gave a confident thumbs up.

"I can't make more though. Not now at least. These guys take a lot to make and stress out my coils in the process. Best I can do without Kurama's chakra is one a day or I risk crippling myself." Naruto shrugged helplessly.

"Are you ok?" Sakura asked, watching him bounce on his feet.

"Believe it or not, these guys are probably one of my most cost intensive jutsu, straight from the source. Can't use the chakra in the air for them to take the load off. My coils are stretched like crazy to make them as a result. It kinda numbs a few nerves every time they're made." He grimaced. "It'll get better in a few minutes, but it's something you never really get used to."

"A technique that stretches even your coils to the limit. I can't say I'm envious of whoever tries it without reading the warning label." Kakashi scratched his chin in mild curiosity. "Still, two months is more than enough to keep Shion-sama in decent condition for the time being. Unless there's something else about her condition that we don't know about."

Naruto shook his head. "I'll probably have to be in physical contact to wake her up, but after she does and knows of the situation it should be easier from there. Weaning her off of my existence will be a bit of trial and error though. It's like breaking someone of an addiction. Short temper. Mild to extreme discomfort if we make her go cold turkey. The works. Best to take small steps in the meantime."

"Can they make additional clones? Just in case we need to send the original any messages?" Kakashi's question was made in a light tone, but the shinobi there knew better. If the clone lasted for over two months, then it was a good representative for the original when confronted by everyone in Konoha.

"Should be." Naruto shrugged, clearly already accepting his fate in the matter, before turning to his clone. "You guys popped after making, what, eight? Nine?"

"Eh. Just round up and say ten. It's more impressive that way. You're stronger since the last we checked so it's probably around there regardless." The clone shrugged.

"Ten clones?" Sakura was extremely wary about the number, knowing instinctively that it wasn't as simple as that.

"Add a few zeros to the end." Both blondes shrugged, as if it wasn't a big deal.

The group was eerily silent for a few seconds.

"O-Oi. Naruto. If that's a joke." Kakashi was willing to swallow a lot of bullshit when it came to Naruto's abilities, but this seriously was pushing it.

"Ten. Thousand. Clones." Sakura was of the same mind, looking at the second blonde. "That one copy has the equivalent of ten thousand clones worth of chakra. And you just, pushed him out in a single go."

"He looks just like his daddy, doesn't he?" The original grinned and reached to pinch his copy's cheek, only to be slapped away. "Tch. Damn puberty. And you were so cute too."

"Naruto. How are your coils still intact?" Hinata bluntly asked, completely astounded by his achievement.

"Hm? My coils? Oh, well, having Kurama since the beginning kinda already conditioned them to be thicker and sturdier than normal. I think that might be why normal chakra control is such a pain for me. Warping my chakra into a Level Two state super compacts my chakra, upping the quality while downsizing the quantity, so that I can push out more power without physically stretching them too far past the natural limits. Overall, I'd say the quality of it in this state is almost on par with Kurama's chakra." The blonde shrugged, as if the matter wasn't that big of a deal. "Really, I can probably do the same thing if I was using his power instead, but his juice is more… wild than mine, naturally, so clones made that way would be more unstable in the end."

The area was silent as everyone there just stared at him with blank to gobsmacked expressions. All excepted…

"That's fascinating and all, but that doesn't matter. The bottom line is that you are leaving and this copy of you will help in Shion-sama's recovery, correct?" Taruho stepped up, clearly not caring and unaware of just how badly Naruto had pushed the boundaries of chakra physics.

"Yeah, pretty much." The clone shrugged, not missing a beat and walking to the assistant. "Let's go in some random direction so we can cover what I'm going to do with Shion in detail, while the others talk and don't get distracted."

"While I appreciate your aid, I must request that you do not do anything unbecoming anymore. Shion-sama has a reputation to maintain, and your recent activities have done more than enough to question allowing you near her. If her health was not of the utmost importance, I would forbade you from being near her at all." Taruho warily allowed himself to be guided back inside the tent.

"Don't worry. We upgraded clones are obligated to be low key. It's a pain to replace us and an waste if we go pop doing something stupid." The copy reassured him. "Now about our patient's treatment…"

The conversation was immediately muted as soon as the tent flaps closed.

"And now that they're gone, we can turn to the other major subject at hand." Naruto turned to Shima, who had been unusually quiet as soon as they had stopped fighting earlier. "Ma, what happened? I did say I was coming today, but the standard procedure is to wait for me to send notice that I'm ready first. I was hoping to get my arms one more round of treatments before going."

The eight hundred year old toad looked away in discomfort, clearly not wanting to discuss what she was about to reveal. "Do not tell anyone of this, but, yesterday the Great Toad Sage passed away."

Reactions were mixed. Hinata and Sakura didn't know anything about the existence of Gamamaru, but anyone with that kind of title no doubt had some sort of authoritative weight to throw around.

Kakashi had known of the giant senile toad, but only in passing. He was aware that the old amphibian was essentially not only the patriarch of the toad summons, but that he was one of the most respected and revered individuals among summons in general, though the reasons why eluded him.

Naruto on the other hand, went pale white. "Yester… shit."

"He died witnessing those black embers, Naruto-chan. The second he laid eyes on them, he let loose a yell that I did not think he had in him." The elder shook her head. "He screamed of lost times. Hollered of butchered futures. Reveled of worlds that were not ours. Lamented of dreams forever gone. It was as if he was witnessing everything he had ever known being turned into a lie."

"Rumor had it the Great Elder Sage had the ability to see into the future." Kakashi stated, already coming to the same conclusion that Naruto did. "Just like Shion-sama does."

"Not just like Shion." Naruto corrected absently. "The super old Sage had Prophetic Dreams. Events that were near self-fulfilling in one way or another once told to the right individuals. It's not an unheard of ability, but it's not exactly a common ability either. Normally, it means he's more in tune with the planet itself than anticipated. Shion's power is akin to a reset button, but without a fixed respawn point. She dies, she resets. She focuses hard enough, she can reset. From an outside perspective, she's looking into the future, but in reality she's just reliving her past and making a new present in the process. Her power is more uncommon, but still not unheard of."

Reset powers were generally considered more dangerous of the two, though it really depended on the user.

Then again, most users with reset powers did tend to go completely mad eventually.

On a side note, Ghost was banned from going to most Undertale universes. Those erratic timelines were messed up even without that guy making things worse just by being there, even if he had no qualms utterly murdering Chara whenever he felt like it.

The Sans, Frisk, Papyrus, Asriel, Gasper, Temmie, Asgore, and Undyne that were part of the Family though were pretty chill. Also overpowered as fuck, like pretty much everyone in the Family, but that was pretty much expected.

"But she was affected by that accursed fire as well. A fire that butchers time and space itself." Shima deduced. "How did you treat her?"

"I didn't treat her so much as shield her. Fuck, I practically smothered her." Naruto relented. "She got the full dose of the embers as well, but with Presence I pretty much flooded her senses to block it all out as soon as I could before she was too far gone. She lived and is sane as a result, but like I said, she's instinctively using my existence as a crutch as a result now. I apparently didn't get to her as fast as I thought. Not that I can blame her. Getting overexposed to what's in the beyond isn't exactly a pleasant experience. One I'd prefer to forget sooner rather than later."

He didn't know exactly how long he was left in the abyss. Technically there was no "time" out there to measure in the first place. All he did recall was that he was having trouble remembering the fact that he had limbs and the sensation of touch at some point in his existance by the time Ghost finally pulled him out.

Getting used to remembering himself, his body, and everything else again took almost a whole month after that.

"So you're saying… that Pa, Jiraiya-can and I could have saved him?" Ma hesitantly concluded.

Naruto didn't comment on the slip that she knew how to use Presence now. He wasn't surprised. Older and generally more powerful entities tended to have an easier time learning it than others. Kurama had it down in only a few days, but since he was a part of the spirit of the planet itself, he was a bit of an exception to a good number of the rules out there. "Maybe. It depends how strong you three are in it and how much control you have. And your nature. Mine was particularly well suited for it so I didn't have much trouble protecting Shion, but I also have more experience dealing with Ero-Ni in general. Ultimately, it's probably boiled down to a case of right place right time. Had I been with you yesterday instead, it probably would be the Sage that would be here with us and Shion's death we'd be talking about."

The group was uncomfortably quiet for more than a few moments before Ma let out a tired sigh. "Haaa. I suppose I did jump the gun, so to speak. Pa, Bunta, and Jiraiya-chan are all busy organizing things back home and trying to keep the peace since the Elder died. I was right there with them when we remembered that you were also supposed to come over and I got ahead of myself."

"Don't worry about it. It's been stressful for everyone recently. These things happen." Naruto brushed aside her worries, as if she did nothing wrong.

"Thank you." The old woman smiled genuinely before turning crass again. "But that still doesn't excuse you for being in such a crass position when I arrived young man! Or using such vulgar language! Or raising your hand against a frail old woman like myself!"

"Frail my ass!" Naruto's internal switch was flipped just as quickly. "I've seen you bitchslap Gamabunta across Myobokuzan with that mutant abnormality you call a tongue! Hell, half the slurs and insults that come from his mouth come from you to begin with!"

"Who told you such lies!? I'll tan their hides for my next cloak!"

Kakashi, Sakura, and Hinata couldn't help but let their shoulders sag as the teen and the toad argued like children without care. Only Naruto could swap between serious and childish at the drop of a hat like that.

"Before you two get too carried away, what does our current timetable look like? Is there a particular rush to go just yet? Do you want your arms treated, or do you want to go now?" Kakashi stepped between the two just before the first blows were thrown.

Shima huffed and crossed her arms. "Well, the boys back home have most things covered. It's mostly dealing with the shock and sudden passing of the elder that they are managing. That and the funeral. They can take care of themselves for a little while longer without me if needed. Hopefully."

Naruto smirked before pausing and looking at the old toad as if seeing a new side of her. "… Hold on. No way. That way of talking… Ma, are you… are you a tsundere?"

If the several eternally long moments of awkward silence wasn't damning, the bullet like tongue that hammered into the blonde's stomach and threw him out of the camp was.

Kakashi let go of his inhibitions and allowed his hand to reacquaint itself with its old friend, his forehead. "I give him an out and this is what he does with it. Sometimes I wonder if he is actually still stupid."

o. o. o.

Konoha:

"Thank you for your cooperation Mr. Ivanov. It's nice to finally speak with someone from your background that doesn't seem to guarantee a headache with every conversation." Tsunade spoke down to Dima in the council chambers.

"I apologize that your past experiences have given you that impression." Dima bowed politely, flanked by Specs and Skyler. "Although, given who said experience is with, I cannot blame you for having it."

Everyone made a point to ignore Shadow, who was somehow in a chibified form and climbing all over the old man, who had been sparkling the entire time.

"Diiimaaaa. Dima. Dima." The tiny woman was ecstatic like a five year old, appearing all over him at every angle with a perpetual smile on her face. "Shiny. Shiny. Shiny."

She was clearly in her own little world. Not paying attention to anyone or anything around her other than the sparkling old man.

It had been a surprisingly cut and dry meeting. The three foreigners plus Shadow had walked into the council room, took their places, and answered the questions asked of them. They were polite. They were to the point. And most importantly, they weren't insane.

It was a genuinely pleasant surprise to everyone who was expecting another round of absurd statements and confusion.

As for why Ghost wasn't there with them…

o. o. o.

Oogakari Compound:

"Aaaaaahahahahohohowwwwwwww."

A man dressed only in his boxers buried his head in the pillows, his knees under his waist and his ass high in the air, cried pitifully, uncaring of how stupid and pathetic he looked.

Don't mix hard drink and space-time manipulation kids. The hangovers that come from that combo are a total bitch.

o. o. o.

"All right! I give up!" Tsume spoke out, grabbing all eyes and ears in the process. "I'll say it since no one else will. How is it that you know the Oogakari? You're not crazy. You're polite. And you're actually answering our questions."

"No!" Shadow snapped, appearing on Dima's head and clinging onto it like a cat. "Dima's my bishi! You can't have him! Mine!"

"Bishi?" Skyler whispered to Specks.

"He lost his pretty hair." The immortal woman wept comically, before instantly turning rabid. "But because of that sacrifice, his head has only become MORE shiny! He has weaponized his bishi-ness to untold levels!"

Somehow, the old man's skullcap shined with the light of an unknown source as she made her statement. No one bothered to ask or recognize that it happened.

Dima coughed in clear embarrassment. "I have a rather, long and colorful history with the Family. Too long to go into detail, but needless to say I've known Shadow and the others for a very long time."

"Dima wants to kill Ghost." Shadow bluntly stated from atop his head.

A facepalm later dislodged her from said perch and had her clinging to life on the back of his vest.

"A very long, and very colorful history." The old man groaned tiredly.

"We know the feeling." Tsunade and many others in the room deadpanned.

"You're unusually calm for someone who has just been accused of planning first degree murder." Shikaku noted lazily.

"There's a time and place for all things. This village offers neither for my plans with Ghost, and he knows it as well." The old man casually and easily brushes off the accusation. "I do not deny Shadow's statement. I've been after Ghost's life for a very long time, and I doubt that my wait will end anytime soon. Practically everyone from where we are knows about it."

"Yeah, but next to no one knows that he's a fucking Family member too." Skyler muttered under his breath. "How does that even work?"

"Care to add something to the conversation?" Homura turned his attention to the muscled man.

"Nothing of particular note that's relevant to our current situation." He replied, brushing away the accusation with ease.

"Just like how Shadow's relationship with that woman Sylvia is relevant?" Koharu rose a skeptical eyebrow.

To his credit, Dima only barely grunted as Shadow's grip on his body tightened enough to shift a few muscles and slightly fracture a few of his ribs. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't bring her up while Shadow is literally on my person. The relationship between myself and Ghost drastically differs from what Shadow and Syl have. Regardless, I am not going to break the trust I have built with any of them anytime soon."

"Diiiimaaaa…" Shadow's voice, while still high pitched, held an ominous and possessed double tone to it as she peeked her head out from his side and looked at him with glowing eyes. "Syl is here Dima. Can you help me kill her this time please? I let you have first pick on her corpse. Except her skull. I have first dibs on that. I have plans…"

Not a single person in the room could suppress the shivers generated from the immortal woman's question. The Oogakari was out for blood by the gallons and was clearly intent on getting it one way or another.

"No Shadow. Scab might be out for the count, but Syl's still been under his jurisdiction for weeks. Our hands are tied again, just like last time and the time before that." The old man sighed. Clearly he has had this conversation more than once.

"Awwww. But I have a liiist." The small demon woman held out a piece of paper that was absolutely drenched in a black and malevolent aura.

Dima snapped his fingers, and the paper instantly burst into flames, causing the curses and evil thoughts that corrupted it to escape in agony.

"My list!"

"Did that paper just scream?" Chouza whispered worriedly to Inoichi.

"Shadow. We've told you multiple times not to make accursed agendas with contents so vile it corrupts the paper written on them. We can't risk you losing them and accidentally driving innocent people that come across them insane. Again."

"Hisssssssssssss." Her head slowly retracted back behind him.

"Anyone in favor of not bringing up that individual while Shadow is around? Or anything that might be related to said relationship?" Tsunade proposed to the room with a bead of sweat or two running down her face.

"Aye." Nearly everyone in the room agreed.

"Thank you." The old man sighed, grateful that the people here weren't mindless idiots that had to know absolutely everything to sate their childish curiosities.

"Are you sure that's wise?" Danzo frowned.

Or not. "Sir, I do this with the utmost respect, but please, shut up."

"Excuse me?" Koharu was taken aback by the blunt demand.

The previously cool and impassive old man donned a stern and cold image. His voice still dripped with annoyance. "As someone that has known her for a very long time, I am obliged to warn you this much. Aggravating Shadow will do no one any favors. At all. Knowing the reason why she reacts the way she does to Syl will yield nothing except annoying a good deal of people. It's not your problem. It's a private affair. And no, you are not entitled to anything related to it. Settle with that much because you are not getting anything else."

"Sniff." Somehow, without anyone knowing, Shadow had latched herself onto his head again, with tears and snot dripping from her face. "Stupid. Stupid Bishi Dima. Why don't you have hair? I can't wipe my face like this…"

"Because you secretly love stupid challenges." The old man's mocking words didn't match his face as he stared down the elder council that no doubt wanted to press the subject.

"I doooooo." Shadow seemed to be ignorant of it as she wiped her face on his scalp, trailing snot and tears in the process.

"I-"

"Danzo. Shut up." Tsunade cut him off with a glare. "So long as whatever issue Shadow has won't affect the village, then it's none of our concern. Shadow. Are you going to be a problem for the village because of this woman?"

"Diiiiiimmmmaaaaaa…"

"She won't. This isn't the first time this has happened, and it probably won't be the last." The old man answered for her, ignoring the growing rivers of fluid running down his head. "She'll be irritable and more of a pain in everyone's rear for the time being, but not a problem."

"Then we can get to the last part of the meeting." The Hokage sent a look to everyone else in the room that absolutely dared someone to prove her wrong.

No one did.

Shikaku cleared his throat. "Regarding the body of your… companion. We are in custody of it and are quite intrigued with how she was… altered."

It was an uncomfortable subject for all sides. Carmen's body was unnatural in many ways to the locals, but even more unsettling was just how easily the three men took news of her death in stride and kicked her to the curb after being told of what she had done. Loyalty to one's team was a bit focal point in Konoha, and seeing them disregard one of their own as trash at the drop of a hat did not earn them any points.

"It would be more helpful if we could get past her skin." Inoichi crossed his arms in annoyance. "Whatever metal that makes up her body is stronger than anything we've dealt with before, and the hinges clearly designed to open up don't, despite multiple attempts."

"If you think that's hard, you should have seen how much of a pain it was trying to get her to have sex." Skyler crossed his arms in annoyance, muttering under his breath. "Woman only drank top shelf and didn't pay a damn penny herself. Kept taking the best parts of the pay from jobs for herself without letting anyone else know too."

"Why did you stay with her in the first place then?" Specks shot him a dirty look.

"She knew what and where the best jobs were. She had the right equipment to pull them off. And she really was a damn good lay." The bigger of the two shrugged with no shame. "But if she was dumb enough to get killed getting involved with the mess here, then all I can say is: I'm glad I wasn't part of it."

"Then that means you know how to, for lack of a better term, work her body?" Shibi questioned.

"Heheheheheheh." Shadow giggled childishly at the bad pun.

"Sorry, but I'm going to have to interject." Specks stepped forward. "While I do understand the current circumstances regarding Carmen's body, and your interest in its secrets, I'm afraid that letting you access them is not advisable."

"Is that so? Care to elaborate?"

"She had a history. Thievery. Kidnapping. Espionage. Assassination. Etc. She acted as a lone wolf contractor most of the time, and always worked with herself in mind. That included her weapons and her body." Specks shifted his glasses, using an age old trick to make it so that light would reflect off of them and make him appear more daunting to others. "Perhaps you have heard of techniques or crafts that use and abuse the bodies of the dead for unsavory purposes. They are not too uncommon where we are from, and many of us take precautions so that our own bodies are not abused in kind. Carmen was particularly vicious when it came to getting back at others, and I would not be surprised if her body was rigged with something particularly unsavory should someone attempt to abuse her remains. The fact that she habitually has a wide arsenal on her at all times only makes things more precarious."

"How precarious are you insinuating?" Shikaku knew he wasn't going to like the answer, but had to ask.

Specks shifted his glasses again. "At the very least, she is the sort to be thorough about not only ensuring that her body is completely destroyed, but taking out anyone that attempts to use it in the first place as well, regardless of casualties. Given what we knew of her history, how she worked, and her capabilities, I am confident she possesses a charge of some sort that is capable of wiping out at least half of this village in a single blast if triggered."

The room was dead quiet.

"Could it kill you to drop it a little lighter than that?" Skyler rolled his eyes.

"Vindictive and overkill. I agree, but it was that level of thoroughness that made her an asset to us in the first place. At least, until she let her greed get the better of her again." He was not perturbed by their reaction in the slightest.

"I don't know why they're so scared. Scab mhmhhmhmhnm." Shadow's tangent was interrupted by Dima covering her mouth with a hand. It wouldn't do to let these people know about some of Scabbard's more volatile experiments that he kept under the house.

"We will get rid of the body at no expense. Safely and at no risk to those that live here." He replied calmly.

"And what of the tools and materials that her corpse possesses?" Danzo didn't like the idea of simply handing over such a valuable asset to strangers. The woman's body possessed metals and weapons that, if the reports were right, would put Konoha on top of the technology curve by a factor of decades at least.

Specks didn't falter by the hidden accusation. "We would hold onto them of course. Carmen was in possession of many volatile items from the start. There's no telling what is safe and what isn't. Without proper handling, many of them could lead to rather disastrous complications for the unprepared. Especially for those that do not know and possess the means to handle them appropriately. Ultimately, honored council, are at a crossroads. You can trust us to manage Carmen's body and everything that it entails, or risk large amounts of resources, lives, time, and possibly a sizeable portion of your population to gamble for a prize that you do not have the ability to fully understand or control."

"What secrets does her robot body hold?" Shadow grinned, swaying side to side. "Oh! Maybe she's a soft serve ice cream machine! One side chocolate and the other vanilla! And if you want both you just grab both her tits at the same time and mhrhrhrmhmrhmrh!"

"Please come to a decision before she talks again. For all our sake. I can only hold her back for so long." Dima gave Tsunade a dry look that would make Suna look flooded.

Tsunade kept eye contact with him for several long seconds before sighing in defeat. "Your friend has become the source of a great deal of problems for our Village. If you were not acquainted with the Oogakari, we would not have even allowed you to explain your situation in the first place. Because of that, you are not allowed to leave and put under surveillance until a time that we can later discuss how you can reimburse Konoha. As for the matter of said comrade, so long as you can prove that her body is as dangerous as you claim, we will hand it over to you for disposal."

"Hokage-sama! I must protest this! What we can learn from that body…" Danzo stood up, clearly aggravated by the decision.

"Will be meaningless if it does what they claim and does wipe out half our population." Tsunade cut him off. "I am a medic Danzo, not an engineer. More than three fourths of that woman's body is out of my field of expertise, and the best scientists that we do have in that field are utterly baffled. At best, the only person in the village that can handle her is Scabbard, who other than being little more than a comatose sack of ground meat at this point, is someone you were particularly adamant about imprisoning yesterday at a bare minimum. So if you have a suggestion that isn't full of hot air, please, enlighten me."

"You're abandoning a vital resource on mere suspicion! There's no proof that what they say is true!" The man didn't let up.

"I only know she's rigged her body to blow. I never said I knew specifics." Skyler shrugged.

"It somewhat defeats the purpose of a trap if you tell others about it." Dima agreed.

"We never questioned it because it was expected of her to begin with." Specks shifted his glasses. So long as they took the proper steps, her body was almost harmless, but there was no need to tell the people of Konoha that. The Family more than likely had the proper equipment to disarm and properly manage her remains and belongings.

What was once a prize being now a cursed trinket, it would not do anyone any favors to hold onto it. It was a common tactic to keep technology and knowledge out of the hands of those that should not have it. A super computer was of no worth to an ancient empire if they couldn't use it. Drastically advancing the level of technology a world had never played out well, especially in militarized ones like this.

"Forgive me for saying this, but regardless of what you do with her body, I find it rather distasteful that you are treating your teammate's death so callously." Tsume crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes.

"Death is a part of our occupation. Aside from that, Carmen was always independent of us." Skyler shrugged. "Specks and I go way back, and old man Dima is his grandad. Carmen had some history too and was with us for a while, but she never tried or wanted to be a genuine part of the group. To her it was always about the payoff. She'd treat us the same way if we died instead. Sad and dishonorable, probably, but that's how it is. At the very least, we're not leaving her body to decay abandoned in some ditch."

"Been forced to do that a few times." Dima shook his head. "Never been proud of them. Tried to go back when I could, but sometimes the fighting was nasty enough that there was no ditch to be found, let alone a body."

Or planet. Or, occasionally, universe.

"You've seen your fair share of war I take it." Homura remained impassive, but there was a glint of solemn respect in his tone that all old veterans had for one another.

"Front line. Support. Commanding. Spotting. Communications. Merc. You name it, I've probably had to fill in the spot at one point or another for strategy or convenience." He shrugged, as if it didn't matter.

He got more than a few nods of agreement and respect from his words. War was a messy and unorganized mess that sometimes landed people in places they really didn't belong. The ease at which he said it couldn't be faked, even with practice.

"Does she have family?" Shibi broke the silence.

"She came from somewhere, though obviously not here. Girl didn't like sharing much about herself." Dima supplied helplessly. "Can probably find a few names that worked with her in the past and go from there."

"We will discuss storage and transportation of her body at a later time. We will keep it until then." Tsunade concluded, knowing that they wouldn't get anywhere else on the subject. "We will adjourn for now, and finish the meeting with Ghost and his actions yesterday… preferably this afternoon. Thank you for your cooperation. I will speak to you personally later to discuss your recompense to the village."

"You have my thanks. I am glad to have such talks with a patient and experienced leader such as yourself." The old man politely bowed, ignoring the small mutant woman on his body. "It is refreshing. Many of the leaders that we tend to meet during our travels have a tendency of being overly aggressive to foreigners."

Not without reason of course. Normally, if a reality jumper was put into a position where they were forced to speak with said leaders in the first place, it was generally preceded by a long list of unfortunate or undesirable events.

Tsunade allowed herself to smile faintly. "And it is refreshing to finally speak to foreigners that are polite and well-mannered for once. On that note, I am almost afraid to ask, but dare I inquire as to why you are, well…"

"Sparkling?" Dimitri sighed with a raised eyebrow, getting a nod in response.

Seeing that many other people were clearly curious to why as well, the old man relented, braced himself, and snapped his fingers, stopping the perpetual sparkles around him.

The results were instant.

"Waaaaah!?" Shadow screamed and jumped off of her mount in a panic. "Who are you creepy old man?! Where's Dima!? Where's my adorable bishi!? Speak! I am well versed in the art of setting sketchy old people on fire and am not afraid to use it!"

o. o. o.

Somewhere in Konoha, Waltz Oogakari spontaneously caught on fire for no apparent reason.

"What the hell did I do?! I was barely in this chapter!"

o. o. o.

Kuromaru blinked and raised his nose up. "I smell bacon."

"Nor am I afraid to use it again!"

"Again?" More than one person echoed confused.

Said accused sketchy old person rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers again, causing the sparkling to resume.

A millisecond later, Shadow was once more attached to the side of his head. "Dimaaaaa! Where were you?! There, there was this creepy not sparkling old guy that smelled of cabbages! And, and you weren't there! And I was gonna burn everything! And…!"

"Ah. I see." Tsunade's dead look pretty much spoke as much as she was willing to say about the subject. Many of the other people in the room shared the same thoughts as she did.

"… She's the Second Origin?" Skyler whispered to Specks, honestly hoping that his friend would tell him otherwise.

The latter could only shrug helplessly, not wanting to believe it either. "God Classes."

That had been the man's mantra for the past twelve hours ever since they went back into the building and Ghost and Shadow returned. None of the newcomers barely got any sleep that night. The younger two because they were scared shitless about being in mortal spitting distance of the original Family themselves, and Dima because Shadow wouldn't shut up and leave him alone.

Sylvia wasn't around when they had returned either, not that anyone particularly cared. So long as she wasn't seen by Shadow, things were at least manageable. The odds of her actually leaving the village was pretty low.

It wasn't known exactly what the Stained Glass had done to the Second Origin, but anyone that had done their research on the Family in general knew that the former had been, at least in part, responsible for something that was condemned by nearly every major party that managed the Multiverse. Even those considered enemies of the Family that knew the details kept their mouths shut on the subject, and viciously dealt with those that pried too deeply without permission.

As a result, despite being a rather tame, peaceful, and amicable individual in contrast to her notable and diverse powers, the Stained Glass was persona non grata among a wide range of parties. Unless she was already involved with events and subjects at hand, most of the more publically visible and active bodies out there preferred not to give her the right time of day.

Then again, if word ever got out about what her actions almost led to…

"I believe that we've gotten all that we can out of this meeting. Thank you for your cooperation." Tsunade nodded to Dimitri, who nodded back, ignoring the crying woman child clamoring all over him.

"Thank you for being so understandable of our situation, Lady Hokage. I will make sure to let you know when Ghost is ready to explain his behavior for yesterday, and try to at least tone him down at least."

"He's not going to crawl all over you like Shadow, is he?" Chouza chuckled, though if you looked past that, one could tell that he was partially not joking.

"No! Dima's my bishi! No one else's!" Shadow wrapped her body around his head protectively, arms covering his face and part of his mouth.

"I'll burn him alive if he tries." It was not a promise. It was a fact. It was the dead tone of a man that would not think twice about murder.

"Silly Dima. That doesn't work. We already tried that like… three hundred times! Remember?"

"I'll still enjoy it." He reasoned evenly.

"Should we do something about that?" Shizune whispered to Tsunade.

"Everyone's said and probably done worse to him. There's no point." The Hokage didn't bother to think about it. "Before things again devolve into mindless banter, I give you all leave. Thank you for your patience."

"Mush Dima! Mush into some direction so I can further mush you!" Shadow was draped over his shoulders, almost as if he was her grandfather.

The old man sighed and rolled his eyes, clearly used to being treated this way. Ignoring all the skeptical and curious looks he was getting, he strode to the door of the meeting room to leave. "Shadow. Behave or else I won't get you candy later."

"Awww."

On the other side of the doors, there were several people going about their business. People with papers going this way and that. A slew of guards hidden around the doorway prepared to protect the occupants inside and ensure their privacy. Down the hall was a receptionist that seemed absorbed in her work, but he could tell she was also keeping tabs on everything around her through her peripheral vision.

"Eh. So you're the new guys that everyone's been making a stink about."

Right next to the doorway was a bench. Sitting on it and examining some paperwork was a teen that looked like the kid of one of the people right behind him.

The kid himself didn't look all that special, but his eyes were pretty damn sharp, and just by being near him the old man could tell that he was a Presence user.

"Shika!"

Unexpectedly though, the small girl woman thing that had been practically molesting him for the past twelve hours jumped ship almost instantly and began giving the kid the same treatment, climbing all over him while babbling rapidly.

"Shika! I missed you! You took too long you stupid student! Stop playing in the sand! That's Gaara's thing! Even if you were doing it with Temari, but that's just uncomfortable! Sex on the beach isn't as easy as people think, even if you have a REALLLY big beach towel… unless you had Gaara help you keep the sand off of you in the process! Brilliant! And kinky! I didn't know you had it in you! Or that Gaara and Temari were into mhmhmhmhm!"

"Sensei. You're going overboard again. How much sugar did you overload yourself on this time? It's not even nine in the morning yet." The shadow user sighed as he covered his teacher's mouth with one hand while he used the other and some black tentacles he manifested effortlessly to gather his paperwork. It was going to be such a pain to go through all the reports with Tsunade and get updated on what's happened recently. He was probably going to be stuck talking to her in her office all damn day.

The old man in front of him just stood there. Watching as Shadow gushed over her apparently new student, as if playing with a favorite pet that she didn't want to let out of her sight.

Watching as she smiled widely, as though she was genuinely happy to around him.

Shikamaru paused as he finally took note of the old man that was doing nothing but blocking everyone else from leaving. It was though he was anchored in place, unable to move. Staring at him with a ghost white face full of bewilderment, surprise, and genuine confusion. "Is there something wrong?"

"… What the hell?"

o. o. o.

The sound of croaking toads met his ears as soon as he was transported.

The bizarre local flora and fauna. The thick air. The heavy feeling of nature all around him.

It was as if he had never left in the first place.

"About time you showed up." A deep and familiar voice chuckled from his side. "I was worried you were going to ditch everyone again."

"Heh." Naruto smirked, turning to his greeter. "Please. If I did that, you'd just end up getting killed again Ero-Senin."

"Cocky brat." The Sage of Myobokuzan grinned and walked to his greatest student. "You still have decades before you can match my greatness. At the very least, you should shut up about your height complex from now on."

"Never. Shut up. You're an abnormality. Orochimaru fed you growth hormones in secret as an experiment. Freak. Deviant. Idiot. Ero-Virgin." Naruto's instinctive defensive reflexes went off instantly, causing his mouth to run on autopilot.

Truth be told though, Jiraiya was abnormally large and tall compared to the normal human in their world, standing at well over six foot three without his obnoxious platform wooden sandals.

"We just saw each other and you're already treating me like shit?! What the hell brat?!"

"Hahaha! It takes no effort for the boy to get under your skin Jiraiya-chan, even after three years!" Pa laughed, clearly amused by their interaction.

Naruto and Jiraiya completely ignored him, instead more focused on beating the other up in the dust cloud they were generating.

"Dumbass! Nutjob! Psycho! You're the type of idiot that will never be able to hold onto a job for more than three months at a time! Completely worthless and disrespectful brat!"

"Half-baked pervert! Incompetent old fool! Shitty writer! I bet the only reason why you go after the old hag these days is because she's the only one in your age group that knows the medical miracles needed to get you hard anymore!"

"They're actually fighting already?!" The elder shouted in astonishment.

"That's too fast!" Several of the other toads agreed.

"At the very least, they're more energetic now." Ma sighed as she landed next to her husband. "Both of them probably instantly knew that the other was more stressed than they let on. It's been a rough period for them these past few weeks. Let them have their moment."

Pa glanced at his wife. "Is that why it took you so long to return with him? You left so suddenly, so I didn't think you'd immediately come back, but it's almost supper time. Did something happen?"

Shima sighed deeply, enough that the flesh under her mouth bulged. "… He's young, but Naruto-chan's more or less been on an enlightening journey of his own without us knowing. His behavior is one thing, but there is no mistaking the wisdom and experience he has accumulated the past few years Pa. Too much for a tadpole like him, if you ask me. To be honest, it's a blessing that he's found and spent the past few weeks with that Hinata girl. It's done wonders for him."

"Hinata. You mean that girl that is all but his mate?" Pa ignored the scuffle. "Tsunade-chan has mentioned her a few times when we speak. Nothing but praises for her."

"Mmm." Ma nodded. "Compared to when we were on the island, he's much better now. The look in his eyes has eased considerably. It was like when Jiraiya-chan and Tsunade-chan finally got over their personal issues with one another and finally started to mate. It was like a massive burden and guilt was taken off of our boy's shoulders. He could finally enjoy being himself again."

Pa and the other toads knew what she was talking about. Back when Tsunade left Konoha, Minato died, and Orochimaru went renegade, Jiraiya nearly buried himself in work. The man covered up his insecurities and failures in his writing and philandering, but anyone remotely familiar with human psychology could tell that just tried to ignore all the failures he's accumulated in his life. He blamed himself in one way or another for every misfortune that came to those closest to him.

Gamakichi landed next to the elderly pair, having shrunk his body to their size. "Er. That might be the case, honorable Elders, but even so, I think it's best to step in before they "de-stress" any more."

"Eh. Kichi-chan, what do you meaaaaan oh by the Sage WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU TWO DOING?! PA AND I ONLY LOOKED AWAY FOR TEN SECONDS!"

If Naruto and Jiraiya had heard Ma, they would probably have just spouted some sort of insult about the other.

Instead they merely fell back to yelling at the top of their lungs as the titanic Rasengans that were already the size of five story buildings above their heads grew larger and larger.

Thinking quickly, the two elders shot their tongues out and ensnared the two idiots before they could do any damage to the area before literally throwing them, giant chakra balls and all, way out to the outskirts of the area where no toads lived… or were supposed to at least.

Moments later, two incredibly massive explosions erupted in the distance, causing more than a few tremors to rock the swamps.

Bad news was that it took a couple of days for Naruto and Jiraiya to fully heal from their own attacks.

Good news was at the very least, they didn't have to dig out any holes to put the Great Elder's massive body in. The location wasn't ideal, but they could spruce the spot up later.

o. o. o.

Omake: Girl Talk:

Ino glared at Hinata. "Spill. Now."

The accused shifted, partly in arousal at the memory, partly in embarrassment. "I told you. We didn't have sex…"

"Objection!" The blonde pointed a finger. "You were glowing like crazy and I felt you focusing your chakra all over your hips and waist when you came back! A common tactic used of lessening the pain from a rough night of pleasure!"

"She could have just done a ton of anal." Tenten shrugged.

"We did that too…" The embarrassed girl muttered.

"Hold on. We'll be here all day like this." Sakura rolled her eyes. "Hinata. Shadow Clones?"

"Yes." The reply was instant and reflexive.

"How many?" Ino pressed.

"Yes." There was drool coming from the Hyuuga's mouth. She didn't seem to be paying attention to them.

Tenten looked at her confused. "Uh Hinata. That wasn't a question that you could answer with…"

Hinata stepped forward, grabbed Ino and Tenten, yanked them to her, and stared at them in the eyes with hers, which were now glowing white.

"YES."

They were all silent for several long and awkward moments.

"… That settles it. Chouji's learning how to use Shadow Clones when we get back."

"Neji too."

The area was suspiciously quiet.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"What about Sasuke?" Tenten frowned.

Sakura looked away as if something was distracting her. "What about him? He's Naruto's rival and best friend, remember?"

More silence.

"Bitch! You've been holding out on us!"

Hinata, on the other hand, gave Sakura a thumbs up seal of approval, eyes sparkling in comradery. "Yes."

o. o. o.

A/N:

… Yes.

Thanks Kagaseo for betaing.

Finally. The plot begins to move again for the main character! Things are moving! Things will happen! Things are things!

Naruto and Hinata didn't have sex. They just did everything else…

… Much of which may or may not have happened at the same time.

Shadow clones and the ability to lift people into the air and fly are such versatile abilities…

And… I really don't have much to say for this A/N! It's gonna be short.

So for anyone that doesn't know already, I've started a new story. It's a side project that will take backseat to TTRT and FFD, but the chapters are really short compared to them, so I can usually do it alongside them without screwing up my pacing.

It's a Highschool DXD fic, called: Go away. I'm watching porn.

Yeah. I went there. Just take it aaaaaall in.

Really, it's my answer to the hordes of shitty DxD fics out there. The anime is softcore porn, but the light novels and backstory to the whole series is actually really good. Solid character development and everything. The fandom really doesn't deserve the crappy support it currently has.

So… that's really it. I got. Not much else to talk about. Like I said.

REVIEW! WORSHIP THE LOG! YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS! AND REVIEW AGAIN!