AN: Sorry for the delay, but this chapter is longer, so hopefully it was worth the wait.
Realizing that we were running late, Jacob phased so we could join the pack before meeting with the Cullens. I turned around so he could take off his pants. He made a joke about me not needing to look away, but his heart hadn't really been in it. Even though it was a half hearted joke, my cheeks still turned as red as a tomato.
I rode on his back - God, that was such an embarrassing thing to say. Jake hadn't seemed to mind, but it still sounded utterly ridiculous to me. After he phased, he turned to stare at me. There was no way around it, Wolf Jake was huge, but he had all of Jacob's gentleness in his movements. Even though we were running late, I reached out to pet him, and he bent down to give me better access. Our eyes met - they were all Jake, so much that I barely registered the difference between human and wolf Jake - and my stomach flipped nervously. I knew he wouldn't hurt me, but the physical appearance was certainly menacing.
I'm not sure how to explain what happened next exactly. He leaned in and so did I, our eyes locked on each other. He rubbed his snout against my cheek. A low hum emitted from Jacob's chest.
And then he nudged me and crouched. I climbed up Jacob - awkwardly - and he began to run. The ride was much shorter than I anticipated. The pack was standing in a half circle, facing Sam Uley. Jacob the wolf leapt over Sam and landed in human form, with me on his back, standing proud and naked in front of his packmates.
Embry and Quil laughed. Jared rolled his eyes. Paul snorted, "Way to make a dramatic entrance, man."
Jacob grinned back at Paul before setting me down. I turned away quickly, desperately avoiding his nakedness. I caught Paul's eye, who was smirking at me. I rolled my eyes, though I'm sure my traitorous checks betrayed my embarrassment.
"Sorry Sam." Jacob said, though he didn't sound too apologetic.
"You're late." Sam replied, but there wasn't any heat behind the accusation. He turned to me. "Are you ready for this?"
Despite everything, I detected a hit of kindness and concern that sincerely shocked me. Sam's eyes bore into mine, asking me a multiple of wordless questions. I nodded, knowing that I was agreeing to more than just the state of my mind, but also to the possibility that if things went south, a bloodbath would ensue. The weight of that knowledge bore into me harshly. I could be the cause of a war. Hell, I'm pretty sure I already was.
"As I'll ever be." I sounded confident, even to my own ears. I lost that confidence when I anxiously asked, "but Jake will stay with me, right?"
Jacob answered very quickly. "I won't leave your side." He assured me. I smiled at him, completely appeased with his response. I tried not to look down because Jacob still hadn't put any pants on.
"I'll go first, followed by Jared and Embry. Jake, you're next with Bella. Quil and Paul will follow. Leah and Seth, you'll patrol - we can't leave the tribe unprotected." Sam announced.
My breath caught in my throat. When had Leah and Seth phased? Looking at Leah, whose face had a look of permanent unhappiness deeply etched into her beautiful features, I realized that I never thought a girl could phase. I looked at her, so different from the girl I had seen only a few weeks prior. She had harder features: a sharper jaw, her eyes were colder, and she carried herself in an effortlessly regal manner. She had cropped her hair short, and even though she still posed a curved female figure, she also had clear defined muscles.
Seth, looked more man than boy now. That made me sad, remembering the cute boy from our family dinner. He was the shortest of the pack, excluding Leah, and he wasn't as muscular as the rest, but he looked so much bigger than he had the last time I had seen him. He smiled at me, but it didn't reach his eyes. His eyes were older, sadder. I felt guilt and a rush of affectionate sadness for him.
Leah snorted but didn't say anything. I met her eyes which were full of bitterness and resentment. I kept my eyes locked on her for a moment. I thought, if only for a second, we had made some sort of connection. Then she rolled her eyes, so it must have been my imagination.
The rest of the meeting passed quickly, and before I knew it, we were heading towards the Cullens. I wish I could say that I was of a sound mind, but I honestly couldn't. My mind was racing, and fear, anxiety, and pure anticipation rang through my body which only served to make me more of a jumbled mess. Wolf Jake was supportive, in a way that only he knew how to be. I hugged myself tighter to him, whispering my thanks. He hummed again.
If things had been different, this would have been it, a perfect moment in a missed opportunity of a life. If Edward wouldn't have come into my life, perhaps Jake wouldn't be a wolf, but we'd be together. It was a moment of absolute clarity, and it was so heartbreakingly perfect because it couldn't ever be. Despite the happy life I could easily picture - I could see it all, falling in love with Jacob unencumbered with feelings for Edward, would have been so, so easy - I still yearned for Edward. Neither Jacob or I had any delusions: if he wanted me back, I would take him back. Maybe not at a drop of a hat, because he had hurt me, and it would take some time to rebuild trust. Nevertheless my choice between the two, even now, was obvious.
That thought was like a sucker punch to the chest. Even though I knew, without a doubt in my mind and heart, who I'd pick, the possibility of losing Jacob shattered my heart to a million pieces.
How on earth had my life become this?
We arrived at the clearing, where Carlisle, Emmett, Alice, and Jasper stood. I gasped; I had forgotten how beautiful they all were. Jake, who slipped on pants when he phased into human form (I needed to stop focusing on his nakedness; it was completely inappropriate, especially in this setting), took my hand and rubbed his thumb reassuringly against mine.
Alice waved at me. Jake bit back a snarl. Jasper stood behind Alice, looking down. He wouldn't look at me - I wonder if he still felt guilty about what had happened at my birthday party. Emmett grinned at me, and took a step forward. In another life I would have run to Emmett for a big bear hug. Emmett would make a lewd joke, I would blush, and we would both laugh.
The imagery of could-have-been-other-life came to crashing halt as Jacob growled menacingly, taking a step forward so that his body shielded mine. This was my life now, complete with an overprotective wolf. I gave Emmett a sympathetic look but stayed put, letting Jacob pull me closer to his body.
I realized now, why he hadn't wanted me to shower, and the look that had passed between Sam and Jake. He was claiming me in whatever way he could, sending the message that I was his. Telling the Cullens that they couldn't have me back.
It was moments like this, with Jake looking so fiercely protective, that I realized exactly how much being a wolf had changed him. In our moments alone together, I could bring back my happy-go-lucky Jacob, who's biggest concerns had been picking up his father's medicine and attempting to charm the life back into his broken best friend. He still could be my Jake, the one that was sweet and perceptive, but only for a short while.
Now he was guarding me with his very body, snarling at any potential threat, even in the form of old friends.
"Thank you for agreeing to meet with us." Carlisle said in his most calming voice. "And thank you, Bella, for your help, as well." Carlisle looked at me with a shrewd look, clearly assessing my well being. I nodded my head towards him, telling him that I was fine.
"We are here in accordance with our treaty." Sam said tersely, but calmly.
"Yes, but it's more than that." Carlisle's tone was warm as honey, and it was truly dazzling. "We share a common foe, one that would hurt a common friend."
I blinked, remembering how Edward dazzled so many in my presence, myself included. I frowned. I always thought it was an Edward thing, something borne out of his startling beauty, but as I watched Carlisle arrange his features to be truly enrapturing, I wondered if this was just another trait of vampirism.
Everything about me invites you in: my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that. As if you could outrun me! As if you could fight me off! I'm designed to kill.
I shuddered as I heard Edward's voice, perfect as honey in my head. I sighed in both relief and horror as I realized I had conjured his voice without the presence of danger.
He had said this to me to scare me, but I hadn't been afraid. Now, I wondered if I had actually understood what he meant. I thought he was attempting to ward me off - and he was - but maybe he was also telling me that everything I was attracted to wasn't specific to him, but rather because he was, by definition, the most advanced predator on earth. I wondered if that mattered, and hated myself a little when I realized it really hadn't.
"They wouldn't be after her if it weren't for you, bloodsucker. So spare us the pleasantries and get on with it." Jacob bit back. I jumped a little at the harshness of his voice, as it jerked me out of my thoughts and back to reality. It was so hard to remember the easy going boy he'd been, only a few months ago, when he was like this.
Across the field, Emmett snarled. Jasper grabbed his brother's arm, holding him in place. I knew, of course, that he was using his gift to relax Emmett.
"I know tensions are high, but if we could get past the hate and prejudice, we have a common goal: protecting Bella."
"No." I said, the word leaving my voice before I could register my intent. "You all can't keep risking your life for me."
Jacob turned toward me, his eyes burning. "I'm certainly not going to stop protecting you. Not ever." He was my Jacob again, though the wolf also remained, strong and poised for danger. I marveled how the two opposites seemed to mold together so well.
"It's our mandate," Embry said. "Even if you weren't our friend, we'd still protect you." Behind Embry, Quil and Jared nodded. Sam held my gaze, again the compassion startling me. Paul smirked at me, though his eyes were kinder than I've ever seen them.
"And we swore to protect you." Carlisle said, breaking us out of our conversation. "Even though… circumstances have changed, we are honorbound to keep you safe."
"You're the one that put her in danger in this first place!" Jacob roared, unable to hold his anger in. He was shaking so hard. I reached out and grabbed his hand, muttering under my breath. I knew everyone else could hear what I was saying, but it was just for him, all the same. "Jake, honey, breath." I purposely used the pet name he used for me. "I'm here and safe next to you. There's no reason to lose your head. I'm here."
He looked at me again, blocking my view of anything but him, and threw his arms around me, burying his head in my neck and hair. He gradually stopped shaking, and nuzzled closer. "Thank you," he whispered, so softly I'm not sure he even said it at all.
Sam shot Jake a reprimanding look, telling him to calm down. It sent shivers down my spine because it wasn't just a look but rather an order, no words necessary. Jake nodded briskly, pulling me closer to him. He was no longer shielding me from the Cullens. Instead, he was behind me, hugging me from behind. I was shielding him from them, I realized. He was using me to keep his anger in check. I pushed into him, stroking his hand softly.
I caught Alice's eyes just then, realizing she was staring at me. Her face was a hard mask, and I could see, behind it there was seething fury. I looked back at her. I don't know what look I had on my face, but I found her anger a little unfair. I did recognize what my embrace with Jacob looked like from the outside, even if it didn't portray the whole story. It was, in some ways, what it looked like, as well. Her anger was still unwarranted. I was single, free to embrace anyone I chose.
"What are you suggesting?" Sam asked, ignoring the unspoken drama ensuing - I'm positive he couldn't have missed it.
"I'm suggesting we work together." Carlisle smiled.
The pack, who had been expecting this, twitched. Despite their foresight, the idea of working with vampires truly unnerved the wolves. Sam and Jacob were the only ones to keep their cool. Sam surveyed the Cullens shrewdly.
"Yes, we understood that. What sort of alliance are you proposing." His voice held a tint of frustrated tension at the condescension, yet he still posed the question and provided an opening for cooperation.
To my surprise, it was Jasper who responded. "Victoria is waging a war. There have been signs - we've been monitoring the situation in Seattle, as I am sure that you have, as well. Alice had a vision, and we now believe that the situation in Seattle and what's happening here are connected."
"A vision?" Sam asked.
"My apologies," Carlisle said smoothly. "We had assumed Bella had informed you of my family's gifts."
All of the pack's eyes were on me in an instant. I stuttered for a second, but found strength as I felt Jake's grip tightened on me. "We haven't really spent much time discussing you. As far as I knew, I'd never see any of you ever again. It was, as I remember it, as if you never existed at all."
My words were directed more at Alice than the pack. The Cullens had been gone, and I had been sure they weren't coming back. The pack hadn't pried for information that wasn't necessary. Alice still had a look of betrayal and fury directed at me, but that was hardly fair. She had left, without so much as a goodbye or a way of contacting her. My not so subtle reminder did not go unnoticed, and although she dropped the angry look, her face returned only to stony neutrality.
"But just to be clear, so everyone is on the same page: several of my family members have special gifts that go beyond the capabilities of a normal vampire. Alice can see the future as it pertains to decisions being made in the present. Jasper has a physic control on emotions. Not only can he sense them, he can also alter them. He is especially gifted with calming emotions, but his gift also allows him an advantage in the event of an attack, as he can sense hostility and use it to his advantage. My other son, Edward, though not present today, has the ability to read minds, save one." Carlisle explained.
"Save one?" Sam asked.
"He means me, Sam." I said softly. "And you forgot Emmett. He is stronger than other vampires."
"Physically stronger," Jasper acknowledged, with a slight smirk towards his brother. "Though more than brute strength will be necessary in order for all of us to be successful."
"That's just great." Jake mumbled sarcastically in my ear. I squeezed his hands again.
"So how does her..." he nodded in Alice's direction. "Vision play into all of this."
Alice spoke this time. "I saw Victoria with a blonde vampire. I've been keeping tabs on her, making sure she wasn't planning her revenge. We killed her mate, James, after he hunted Bella." Alice gave me a softer look here. "Victoria is smarter than James was, however. She knows of my gift, and is going around it."
"Going around it?" I asked, as all eyes turned to me. "Meaning… someone else is making decisions for her. Someone who you don't know to look for."
"Precisely." Alice said. "I'm not sure when she started this tactic. We always assumed she'd come after Edward, Jasper, and Emmett - and the rest of us, by extension - as they were the ones that killed James."
"But she'd be a fool to do so." I countered. "She'd be outnumbered."
"Edward hasn't traveled with us since we left Forks." Alice said softly. "We get calls every few weeks, but… It would have been possible for her to track and attack him, and there is a definite possibility that she would have won that fight."
I gasped, the idea of Victoria killing Edward was too much. I felt a wave of comfort wash over me and nodded to Jasper. Jacob tightened his grip on me, but I couldn't force myself to look back at him. My gasp had been a betrayal of sorts. He wouldn't hold it against me, but I knew it hurt him. I squeezed his hand again.
"But she's been here." I said, my voice stronger. "And the wolves have been protecting me and everyone else from her."
"Yes, and I think that's a part of why I didn't see her make the decision to find you. Something - or really, someone - was blocking my sight. I'd imagine it was him." She nodded towards Jacob.
"She was attacking this area before he phased." Sam said, contemplating something.
"Before he phased, but not before he started changing." I realized. "His body was growing, preparing to phase…"
"Or perhaps I can't see you at all." Alice said. "There's old magic in your blood, whether it's been activated or not."
"Either way, we are sorry for leaving you with our mess. It was unfair." Carlisle apologized. I doubt the wolves cared much for his apologies, but at least he tried.
"This is our mandate." Sam responded, diplomatically. He didn't accept the apology; I don't think it would ever be okay, in any of their eyes. I looked at the wolves assembled before me, and felt the wave of remorse and bitter nostalgia. The wolves' lives had been changed because the Cullens had moved to Forks. Carlisle's apology would never repair the damage down, but they all accepted their fate.
"Still." Emmett said, looking squarely at me. "We protect our own. We owe you a debt, for that at least."
"Bella isn't yours." Jacob growled, practically shaking. I reached for his hands, but he was pushing away from me. His whole body was convulsing and suddenly Embry was beside me, pulling me away from Jacob.
Jacob took two frantic breaths. "She's not 'your own.'" He said furiously. "Not one of you."
"My apologies. Emmett did not mean to offend you or imply anything." Carlisle said. "My son merely meant that we care a great deal for Bella and did not mean to leave her unprotected."
"Unprotected? Unprotected? Like leaving her in the fucking woods to-"
"Jake." I yelled. "Stop." I said this softer. I knocked off Embry's hands and moved towards him. Embry must have decided it was safe, or he wouldn't have let me come near him.
"I know you're angry, and I know it's only because you care." I paused as I planted my feet in front of him, looking up into his eyes. "But they aren't to blame here. They're here to help, and they only mean well."
He looked back at me for a few brief moments, eyes locked on mine. He nodded to him, though I knew we'd be discussing this more later. I turned, facing the Cullens. I left a gap between mine and Jacob's body, but only slightly. After a second, I felt him step forward and pull me into him. I bit back a smile.
"Please excuse Jacob." I said, mimicking Sam's diplomatic tone from earlier. "He's very protective."
"He's very volatile." Alice grumbled.
I sent her a glare, and she rolled her eyes. It appeared that the anger had dissipated. Understanding passed between us.
Sam glanced at Jake and I. "Moving on." He sent Jake another stern look. "How does your vision of Victoria connect with the situation in Seattle."
"I saw her asking someone, a vampire, for help because she couldn't make any decisions." Alice looked at Carlisle.
"We've been monitoring Seattle. The disappearances, the murders, it seemed that there were a few, young and certainly reckless vampires running amuck."
"And you didn't stop it immediately?" Paul demanded.
"Situations like this are sensitive. Newborns are highly dangerous. Their insatiable thirst clouds all rational thought. They don't care about being caught; they don't care about anything, save their next meal. They're stronger than normal vampires. Numbers and strategic planning are needed when dealing with a group of newborns." Jasper explained.
"Jasper is somewhat of an expert in newborns." Carlisle explained.
"So Victoria is working with someone, but that doesn't prove that it has anything to do with Seattle." Sam leaned forward.
"My vision took place in Seattle." Alice said. "There was a sign in the background. If we could figure out who the newborns are, then I can track their decisions."
"No." I said quickly. She couldn't possible be asking this.
"Bella, the whole town will be in danger if we don't stop this. Do you think a newborn will show restraint? They'll come looking for you, and Charlie and the rest of the town will be in their way." Alice warned.
Now I was the one shaking. "You can't involve my father! How would you even explain it? No. Absolutely not."
"It will help to have the Sheriff's resources?" Jacob asked. I turned to glare at him.
"Yes." Carlisle responded.
"Then the pack is already protecting Charlie, Bells." Jacob whispered to me. I turned to face him, begging him with my eyes.
"Jake, he can't be a part of this. He shouldn't be at risk because of my decisions."
"And, with our help, we can protect Bella and Charlie even better." Carlisle said, continuing as if he hasn't heard my conversation with Jake, even though I knew he had.
"We share patrols?" Sam confirmed. "Keeping to the treaty." His voice was hard.
"Except in the instance of an attack." Jasper said. "We agree that the territory lines do not apply if a chase should come about. Our top priority will be ending the threat."
"And how to mitigate the threat of being around each other? With tensions so high, there's bound to be… altercations." Sam's voice was diplomatic again.
"We train together." Jasper answered. "I'll teach you everything about killing a newborn. We'll learn to fight together, instead of with each other."
"We are not enemies. We have a common enemy, and I am beginning to fear that we need each other." Carlisle said.
"Can we discuss your offer and get back to you?" Sam asked.
"Certainly." Carlisle looked pleased. "Would 24 hours suffice?"
Sam nodded.
The pack met for what felt eternity, but was, in reality, only a few hours. I sat at Jacob's side with his arm wrapped around my shoulders. Sam and Paul were arguing, and it appeared, for the time being at least, Jacob wasn't interested in joining in.
I looked around at the other packmates, realizing that they all wore the same tired expressions. Embry and Jared were out running patrols because they seemed the least interested in the fight that was going on.
"I think we already know what we are going to do." Jared had said quietly. "We can yell and fight all we want, but in the end, we have a mandate and the Cullens are willing to help us fulfill it."
Embry nodded in agreement and had offered to patrol with Jared. If anyone was surprised by their easy acceptance and hasty removal from the situation, no one said anything. I suppose it made sense, Embry and Jared were the most level headed, easy going of the pack.
The least easy going, Paul, was currently ranting and raving, completely dissatisfied with the idea of accepting help from anyone, especially the Cullens. "We don't need their help to kill leeches!" Paul roared, violently gesticulating his body.
"You heard what they said. There's an army coming for us. We need numbers." This came from Quil, though he said it bitterly. He might resent their help, but he recognized they needed it.
"Look," Jacob interrupted. "I don't like this any more than you do, Paul. I may even like it less than you, but the truth of the matter is, if they're right, we need them."
Paul gave Jacob a hard look. He huffed, but steadied himself, taking deep, even breaths.
"If you think Jake is whiny now, imagine how horrible he'll be if she actually dies." A nasty female voice cut in.
Leah hadn't spoken throughout the entire conversation, and her male packmates turned to face her. Seth stood up straighter next her, a low growl in this throat.
"What my charming sister means is that Jake is our friend, our brother. If it were one of your girlfriends, he'd do anything to help save them." Seth said.
I stiffened at the word girlfriend, although that word had been tossed around quite a bit during this conversation, in both a deversive and a defensive way. Jacob, who was typically an easy going guy, would not allow anyone to speak ill of me. While that was touching, it had also made the meeting stretch out even longer.
"I'm not sure I actually meant all of that." Leah rolled her eyes. "But Seth is right. If more people die, Bella included, we'll have failed. We are here to protect, and sometimes that means that you have to make hard choices in order to do the right thing."
Sam turned to look at Leah, and he nodded his approval of her words. Paul huffed again. Just like that, the decision had been made.
The wolves began to file out of Emily's house. Jake and I followed, though at a much slower rate than the rest of the pack. Paul slowed until we caught up with him. He looked at Jacob for a minute and then turned to me.
"You know I don't object to protecting you, right?" He asked. "It's the bloodsuckers that I object to."
"Oh," I said, completely caught off guard. "I - I do now, Paul."
"We haven't talked much, and the last time I saw you, I was tearing into Jacob for telling you our secret. I know what that must have looked like, and I'm sorry. I don't object to you. It is hard, though, not feeling a little envious."
"Envious? If you want redheaded vampires hunting you because your ex killed her boyfriend, I gladly will trade."
He laughed. "Not that. I'm envious that Jacob had you. Someone to confide in other than the pack."
"Oh." I blinked. "But Sam has Emily and Jared has Kim… why couldn't you have someone?"
"Ah." Paul said with an eyebrow raise at Jacob. "It's not quite that simple."
There was a pause, and I could sense that I was being deliberately left out of something. I looked at Paul's sad eyes.
"You had someone, then, before you phased? Someone you weren't allowed to confide in. Someone you had to leave behind."
He nodded. "I'm sorry for the way I reacted. I was just… so bitter. It's so hard not be angry all the time. It was hard, for me, before I phased, and now…"
"It's worse." I finished for him. "I'm sorry." And I really meant it, because I honestly liked Paul. For all of his unashamed anger, he was also surprisingly open and honest. If I was honest, I was a little envious of his ability to say exactly what he was feeling.
"S'okay. I've decided I like you, by the way." He grinned. "I was a little unsure at first; you weren't giving my man Jake anything, but you're starting to make up for that, eh Jake?"
I was a literal tomato.
"Paul," Jacob warned. "Let it be."
"Oh c'mon. She knows I'm only messing with her." Paul winked at me.
I winked back and laughed. There really wasn't much else I could do. Jacob and I started to walk back to his house, chatting idly.
"We should invite Charlie here for dinner. I don't want to go back home yet, and I don't want him alone." I paused. "Shoot. Do you have patrols tonight?"
"Not until about 2:00am. Maybe we could have Billy get him drunk. That way you both can stay the night."
"I don't think I've ever seen him drunk." It was a weird mental image. My dad was always so… steady, I couldn't picture him drunk.
It was Jacob's turn to laugh, as we reached Jake's front porch. "I've seen both of our father's drunk before. It's actually quite comical."
I soured at the thought of my dad. Jacob tensed, sensing my mood change. "Bells…" he sighed, stopping to face me. "I think, if we play this right, we could get approval from the counsel to tell Charlie everything."
"But that could put him in serious danger!" I shrieked. Jacob flinched at my tone.
"He's already in serious danger, honey. But knowing what he's up against, and having backup from the pack, could actually save his - and countless others' - life."
I looked up at Jacob. He made a good point, but I wasn't ready to let go of my anger. I glared at him fiercely, knowing he could sense my resentment.
"I love him, too, Bella." Jake said softly. "He's like a second father to me. I grew up with him. If he knew, I could be with him, protecting him, helping him end this."
My chest contracted as I watched Jacob's features change. His guard was down, and I saw his emotions play clearly across his features. I saw his worry, concern, and love for my father dance in Jake's eyes as he stared down at me.
I had never seen a person look so sincere in my life.
I met his gaze, feeling my features soften, as I reached for him. He pulled me into his embrace, his intent only to hug me. I held his gaze, feeling an intensity build in me. It was incredibly sweet how much he cared for my dad, and I found his concern more touching than any promise he'd ever made me.
And then suddenly I was kissing him. If our kisses earlier had been intense, this was a whole new level of intensity that I hadn't known existed.
I was standing on my toes, using his neck to pull me up closer to his lips. He gripped my hips, pulling me flush against him and I felt him widen his stance to alleviate our differences in height. My tongue moved against his. It wasn't frantic like it had been in the car. Our mouths and tongues moved together as one at an exploratory pace, seeking out every inch of the other's mouth.
I broke our kiss but didn't pull away. He rested his forehead on mine, as we both caught our breaths.
"Bella," he whispered and my heart ached at his tone. How could this incredibly sweet boy be the same man who threatened Carlisle earlier today?
I reached up to cup his cheek. "Yes?" I asked.
His eyes burned into mine. "I-" but his voice caught in his throat. The hole in my chest throbbed, as I realized what he was about to say. Our passion had wrapped us in our own little world, belonging only to us, to Jake and Bella. If he said what I knew he wanted to say, it would bring us both back to reality.
So I did the only thing I could to stop him. I kissed him again. Gone was the languid pace from moments ago. This was frantic, desperate. It was a selfish, hungry, frustrated kiss. I begged Jacob not to push me with my insistent mouth, demanded he understand with my roving hands, and begged for forgiveness with every sigh his actions elicited out of me.
My actions were contradictory, I knew it, even in the moment. I pulled him closer, kissed him harder, allowed him to kiss my neck, and caress my skin, all while begging him to understand. I could give him this part of me, effortlessly. In fact, my body practically demanded it. But to give him more, to give him my whole heart, which I knew he desperately wanted, wasn't possible.
At least not yet.
I knew he understood, at least in part. I was offering him what I could. I was giving him parts of myself that I'd never given to anyone else. And he took those parts, greedily. He hands roamed over my skin, pulling my shirt up and exploring my exposed back and stomach. He pushed against the siding of his house, lifting me up, pulling my legs to wrap around his waist. He sighed and moaned as my hands, in turn, and hands explored his shirtless muscles.
I shifted slightly, attempting to align my body more accurately with his. We both hissed at the friction my movement caused. He stiffened, as tires crunched on gravel. He slid me down his body - which felt incredibly sensual. He smirked at my protest.
"Our dads are pulling up now." He explained. "As much as I'd like to continue, I don't think they'd appreciate our… enthusiasm."
I looked in his eyes, which were still dark with want, and saw a smugness that I wasn't sure I liked. He led me into the house.
"We can continue that later…" and then he winked at me.
I frowned. "You're being an ass." I accused, feeling a little betrayed.
"I'm being an ass?" He asked, looking at me incredulously.
"What does that mean?" I demanded, taken again aback by his tone. I peered out the window, keeping an eye out for our fathers.
"You know how I feel. You can stop me from saying it aloud, but it doesn't stop it from being true. You can distract me, obviously, but it doesn't change what I want."
"Jake…" I didn't know what to say. "What happened to taking things slow? You can't keep saying you understand, promising me you won't push, and then pushing."
"You think that," he gestured to the porch. "Is taking things slow? How can you kiss me like that and feel nothing?"
"I don't feel nothing." My voice dropped. "I feel quite a bit actually, but I'm still not… not whole. I can't give you what I don't have."
"You don't have what? A heart?" He demanded, practically growling. "Yes you do. I can hear it now. I felt it, just now, thudding in time with mine. Couldn't you feel it? How in sync we were? How perfect it was? How right?"
"Yes." I swallowed, peering out the window, wondering what was taking Billy and Charlie so long. I really could use an interruption right now. "Yes, I felt it…. but…"
"It's still him? Even now?" He asked, no longer harsh and demanding. His voice was dejected and sad. He was close again, reaching for me.
"It's not just him, not anymore." I said quietly, begging him to understand.
He looked at me, searching for something. "If it's not just him, is it also me?" He whispered.
I nodded. "I know it's not fair. I'm trying, Jake. I'm trying." My voice broke.
"Oh honey." Jake said. "No, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." He wiped a tear away. "I keep telling you, I'll wait, and then pushing as hard as I can."
I opened my mouth, but Jake stopped me.
"I'll give you time, but Bella, you can't kiss me like that. You probably shouldn't kiss me at all. I can't think straight when you do."
"I'm sorry. I couldn't stop myself." I struggled for the words to explain, but was cut short by our fathers finally walking through the door.
Jake stepped back a bit, putting distance between our bodies. I was still flushed, my hair was probably a mess, and I knew both Billy and Charlie knew they interrupted something.
"Would either of you," my father began, his voice dangerous. "Care to explain why there are two motorcycles in the garage?"
Oh shit.