It's been much too long. I know, and I'm sorry. If there is still anyone to apologize to.
I will say that these three scenes took way too long to write, but I can't get this story out of my head, so I am determined to finish, even if it takes forever. If my lovely readers still exist, please leave a review! Much love :)
I woke from a dream, feeling warm all over. If I was being honest, I felt warm since my date with Jake. It had been two days, and I unfortunately hadn't seen him since.
After our date, he drove us back to his house. Billy hadn't been home - council meeting - and Jake had led me to the couch. He let me choose the channel, telling me he had a few more hours before he had to patrol.
We watched a little bit of the cooking channel - one of our regular channels. I snuggled into his chest. He was so warm and comfortable.
"Hey, Bells?" Jacob asked, breaking me away from learning a new soufflé.
"Yes?" I asked, turning to face him, looking up.
"The other day... in your room..." He looked nervous.
"Yes?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. Although I wouldn't be opposed to a repeat, I really hoped this wasn't his way of asking me for it.
"I didn't rush you into anything, did I?" He paused. "When you kiss me, I lose my ability to think."
"No, Jake. I..." I started to stutter. I took a deep breath, lowering my voice. "I liked it."
He grinned, an earsplitting grin. "You did?"
"Yes, of course." I replied. "Couldn't you tell?"
I was beet red. I could feel it. Jacob continued to grin at me. He leaned in, playing with my hair.
"You're gorgeous when you blush, Bells." He whispered; his lips close to my ear.
His began to kiss my neck, lightly at first, but then he escalated his closed mouth pecks to open mouth, lingering kisses. I arched my neck, and ran my fingers in his hair. I choked back a moan, embarrassed with myself.
"Bella," Jacob whined.
I opened my eyes and pulled away from him, but just barely. He was only a few centimeters away from me. "Yes?" I asked.
"Just let yourself feel." He murmured into my neck. "What are you afraid of? It's just us. Just Jake and Bella."
He went back to kissing my neck, his hands trailing down my chest. He was caressing me softly but hungrily. I felt like I could kiss him forever.
His hands trailed down further, and began to unbutton the buttons of my shirt, one button at a time. His hands were steady as he peeled off my shirt. And then I was unbuttoning his without making any conscious decision.
His lips were on mine, his tongue slipping into my mouth. I removed his shirt quickly and began trailing my hand down his defined muscles. I discovered I liked the swell of his arms underneath my fingers.
He leaned forward into our kiss, pushing me back onto the sofa. His hands roamed over the fabric of my bra, as they traveled to my back, were it clasped. I propped myself up with some effort, as I felt him tugging at the fabric.
"Wait." I said quickly, reaching behind me and starting to unfasten the bra for him. "You can't rip another bra."
"Sorry." He grinned. "Show me how to unhook it, then."
"Later," I said, unhooking the bra and throwing it to the side. He snickered, and then shifted so he could look at my uncovered skin.
"God, your perfect, Bells." His voice was low and hungry. Although I know I was flushed, I wasn't really embarrassed. I thought I'd feel self-conscious or nervous but being topless around Jake was incredibly exhilarating. His eyes and hands roved my naked skin, each look and touch more heated then the last.
His lips moved back to my neck and his finger gently began to pull at my nipples. A needy moan escaped my mouth. I wrapped my legs around Jacob, pulling our bodies closer. Our bare chests were pressed up against each other. It was sensual and intoxicating.
Jake's hands began exploring my stomach, sliding over the waistband of my jeans. I whimpered again, remembering what it felt like to have his fingers on me.
"Can I...?" Jacob asked, fiddling with the button my jeans.
I sat up quickly, causing Jake to jerk back. I stood up, unbuttoned my jeans, and tore them off my body. It wasn't graceful or sexy, but the look on Jake's face made me feel both.
He reached for me, but I put my hand up. "Your turn. Fair is fair." He paused for a second, grinned, and quickly shed himself of his pants.
I took a moment to look at him, savoring the sight of him. He really was gorgeous. I looked down his body, then up again, landing on his eyes. He looked back at me, eyes blazing.
The moment stood still for a moment, as we peered at each other. His gaze was electric, stopping everything in its wake. It was all consuming. I walked slowly so I was standing in front of him and then carefully climbed back into his lap.
His arms automatically encircled me as we engaged in the most mesmerizing kiss. I felt breathless and a little dizzy. His heat radiated through my body, and I savored the heat. I could feel our bodies stick together with sweat and the hair on my forehead dampen. I didn't, couldn't, care. His hands were everywhere and so were mine. His body felt amazing under mine; my skin felt like it was on fire. His lips were everywhere - my neck, my breasts, my stomach, my lips.
I felt a tug in my stomach, something indescribably good. I pulled him closer, tighter. His fingers slipped down my body and pulled off my underwear. I was naked before him, and I only wanted more. Again, his eyes and hands ravished me. It felt amazing.
His fingers slipped inside of me, following the patterns I had showed him the other night but also creating new patterns. My body quivered under his touch. My voice didn't sound like my own as I moaned and said his name under the insistence of his fingers. It was better than the first time he touched me; I felt electric even after I finished, my whole body tingled.
He sat up, grinning at me. "I'm, uh, just going to go to the bathroom, Bells." The statement was normal, but his ears were red, so he was embarrassed.
It took me a minute to understand, and he was already halfway to the bathroom before I spoke up.
"Wait." He turned around, looking confused.
"I thought... I wanted to... It's not fair that you get to touch me, and I can't touch you."
He blinked twice. "I never said you couldn't..." his voice was hoarse, "touch me."
"Then why are you walking away?" I asked.
"I didn't think you'd want to.. to.. touch me."
"Well, I do." I somehow found his lack of confidence inspiring me to be confident. "Want to, I mean. If that's okay with you.
He walked back towards me, looking a little dazed. "You can do anything you want to me." He said as I tugged off his underwear. He helped, though he still looked dazed.
I wasn't sure what I was doing, but Jake seemed too dazed to help too much. I peered down at him, taking him all in. I was surprised by the color, pinker than the rest of his skin. Besides that, it looked more or less how I thought it would.
I grasped him firmly in my hand and began to move up and down. He grunted. "Anything you want to me." He repeated, his voice breathy. "I'm all yours."
I kept my movements steady and watched his face for any signs of discomfort, but Jacob showed none. He met my eyes, holding my gaze as I continued to stroke him. He made a few soft noises but didn't break our eye contact.
"And I'm yours, Jacob Black." I whispered back.
He twitched in my hand, and I sped up my movements, still holding eye contact with me. Five more pumps was all it took to bring Jacob to finish.
He pulled my body to his, wrapping me inside his arms. We stayed like that for a few more moments before he whispered, "I love you, Bells."
I didn't say it back. I don't think he expected me to, but I felt the air between us change. Perhaps it was the intensity of the moment or because I told him I was his, but something had altered between us, something that felt permanent.
I may have told Dr. Chiraz that Jacob was not my boyfriend, but I don't think that was true anymore.
I had given myself - maybe not my whole self but a large part of it - to Jacob Black.
"So, how'd your date go?" Jessica giggled.
I did my best to hold back my grimace at Jess's girly squeals and what would inevitably become a too personal line of questioning. I knew that Jessica meant well and that she's only just begun to forgive me.
"It was perfect." Both Jessica and Angela looked at me expectantly. "I think Jacob and I are dating."
"So does that mean your over Edward, then?" Jessica asked.
I tried not to flinch.
"Jess!" Angela admonished. I was really starting to love her.
"No! Don't 'Jess' me like that question is unfounded." Jess snapped. "The way you talk about Jacob is different. Not like you talked about Edward, but not how I'd talk about a Mike or any other boy for that matter."
"Jess!" Angela repeated, her voice still soft, but a firmness underlying it. Jess gave her a side glance in return.
"I don't get it?" I said, feeling stupid.
"All I'm saying is that you are still healing from a really intense relationship." She paused. "The last thing you need is to replace it with a similarly intense relationship."
I sighed. "I know, but..."
"I know he's hot, but Bella, you have to take care of yourself. We don't want to see you fall to pieces again. I don't mean to be rude, Bella, I really don't, but do you ever wonder if you set yourself for that kind of heartbreak because you give so much of yourself?"
"Jess!" Angela yelled. Well, not yelled, but it was definitely a lot louder than her normal voice.
I looked at Jess, considering what she was saying. Isn't that what Dr. Chiraz was getting at, if subtly? She wasn't wrong, and although Jessica wasn't necessarily subtle or gentle about it, I think it was coming for a good place. She did not want to see me hurting again. And although, I disagreed about her view on mine and Jacob's relationship, I was touched.
"It's okay, Angela. Jess is right." Jessica beamed at me. "I gave way too much too quickly to Edward. I just never expected someone like Edward to want me back."
"But-" Angela started, but I cut her off.
"No, let me finish. Edward was my life. I won't lie. My relationship with Jacob is intense. He's my best friend. When I was 'zombie Bella' he was the only person that could bring me back to life. But I can't let it be like before. I can have things outside of my relationship.'
"Like..?" Jessica questioned.
"Like friends, for starters." I gestured to the two of them. "If you will still have me."
"Absolutely." Angela replied with a bright smile.
Jessica hesitated. "It can't be like before, Bella." Her voice lacked her normal bravo.
"I know." I said with conviction.
"No Bella, you don't." She said, her voice shaking. "You made me feel stupid, shallow. You didn't listen when I told you things. You didn't care."
I did a doubletake. "I'm sorry. I really didn't know you felt that way. I never meant to make you feel like I didn't care."
"But you didn't. Care."
Angela looked between us, clearly weighing Jess' words.
"You're right." I said. It wasn't fair to lie, and frankly it wouldn't work if I did. "You're absolutely right. I was so wrapped up in myself that I failed to see what you needed: a friend. I can't promise to get better overnight. But I am working on it."
"I see and respect that, but I'm not sure that's enough."
"Jess!" Angela said, coming once again to my defense.
"Thank you, Ang, but Jess is right. What if we start on a... trial basis? You tell me when I am being a bad friend, and I work to be a better one?" I looked Jess in the eye. "I appreciate your honesty, Jess. I wasn't fair to you, and I can't apologize enough, but I am incredibly sorry."
"It's a start, Bella." She sighed. "I want to forgive you. I like you... I just don't feel like you like me."
"And I like you, Jess."
"Then prove it.
"Let's talk about your mood journal." Dr. Chiraz said, leaning forward in her chair.
"Did I do it wrong?" I asked.
"Of course not." She replied. "Your mood journal is all about how you are feeling, what you are thinking. You couldn't possibly do it wrong."
I sighed in relief but felt a little silly. Having her read my journal was extremely nerve wracking. It was one thing to answer her questions and tell her what I was feeling. It was an entirely different thing to have her read my unfiltered thoughts.
"I do want to know more about a few things you wrote." She took a deep breath. "Your comparison of Jacob and Edward is interesting."
"Interesting?" I asked, inwardly cringing. I hadn't used the words vampire and werewolf, but my descriptions of Edward and Jacob weren't normal.
"You seem to weigh the pros and cons of the two choices. You say that choosing Edward would mean leaving behind the people you love and 'warmth' in general. You associate choosing Edward with a 'beautiful death.'"
Crap.
How could I possibly explain my word choice to Dr. Chiraz? How could I explain that I wasn't describing being dead dead, just vampire dead? I would actually sound crazy.
"What do you mean by beautiful death? Why would being with Edward mean you'd have to give up everyone you love? Why do you describe him as being cold?"
"I was taking some poetic liberty there." I answered lamely after a few beats. I desperately trying to think of something intelligent and plausible.
"Did Edward have a problem with you spending time with your friends and family?" She asked, patiently.
"No!" I stammered. "We we're just so wrapped up with each other that we didn't really have time for anyone else." That was true. Just speak in truths, I reminded myself.
"So you felt like spending time with Edward was more important than spending time with your loved ones?"
"Edward was my loved one."
"Hmmm..." Dr. Chiraz paused. "Why did you describe Edward as cold?" We both knew she was avoiding the question that she really wanted to ask, and I had no delusions; that question was coming.
"I'm not sure I know how to explain it." I replied, thinking desperately.
"Try." She urged, sending me a comforting look. "It might help to put it in to words."
"Edward was super affectionate." I said slowly, trying to put my real feelings into the lie. Speaking in half truths could be super difficult. "He told me he loved me every day, but he wasn't big on physical affection."
This started to feel more like the truth. "He'd pull away when we kissed. He wasn't big on public displays. He was very traditional in his way of thinking, about how a courtship should go."
"And how did that make you feel?"
I stopped for a second. I had never considered how his actions had made me feel. "Desperate." I replied without thought. "It made me feel desperate."
"Desperate for what?"
"For him. For the future that we planned together. For the future that I felt slipping away."
"The future fantasy that you called a 'beautiful death?'" She asked, finally getting to her intended question.
"I was being dramatic." I said quickly, praying she didn't pry further.
"Did you and Edward talk about death a lot? We've established that you were grateful for Edward saving your life multiple times... was it a topic that came up a lot?"
I thought about it for a second. The topic did come up a lot. "He told me once that he couldn't live without me. That if I died, he'd end his life, too."
Dr. Chiraz wrote a note in her notebook. I inwardly swore at myself. I was making Edward seem... dangerous.
But he was, a voice in the back of my head said. He was dangerous.
"Did Edward ever get jealous or fixate on male attention towards you?"
I paused, thinking. "I wouldn't say he was fixated on it..." I trailed off.
"But?" Dr. Chiraz prompted.
"He made comments sometimes, about my male friends."
"What kind of comments?"
I paused. He could read Mike and Tyler's minds. How do I explain that?
"Just that they thought I was pretty or that they liked me." I said, sounding completely idiotic. "That sounds... full of myself. He got jealous sometimes, but that's normal, right?"
"Yes," Dr. Chiraz allowed. "Jealously is a normal human emotion. How would he act when he was jealous?"
"Normal, I guess. My friend Mike, asked me out a couple times when I was with Edward. Edward obviously wasn't super excited about that."
"Did he ever get mad at you?"
"What? No! He just didn't like Mike very much. He was just very protective."
"How so?"
"I don't know. He would - not follow, that's not the right word - but be in the same location as me, if he thought I was in danger. Our first date, he actually came to Port Angeles because I was going with friends. He saved me and then we went out to dinner."
"He followed you? Did that happen a lot?"
I paused. "Only when I thought I was in danger." Beat. "He was usually right."
"Hmm. And he did this to protect you?"
"Yeah, I guess. He used to say that I was his own personal brand of heorin. That he loved me so much that he didn't want anything bad to happen to me. When James-" I stuttered. "When James came after me, he freaked out, promised he wouldn't let anything happen to me."
"He compared you to a drug?" She asked. That had not been what I was expecting her to focus on.
"Yeah. Like I was addicting to him; like he couldn't be without me."
"Hmmm.. did he ever blame you for his actions?"
"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.
"Did he ever do anything, like fight another boy over you, and then blame you for getting in to a fight? Or follow you because you were with a boy he was jealous of?"
"No." I paused. "No. He said he followed me because I was a danger magnet."
"Did Edward ever pressure you?"
"Like sexually? Never. He would barely allow himself to kiss me."
"Why?"
I blinked. I really couldn't explain that he was afraid he'd hurt me in the heat of his passion.
"He was old fashioned. He didn't believe in sex before marriage."
"Did he ever pressure you to do anything you didn't want to do, or put an emphasis on what he wanted to the point where you had to give up what you wanted?"
"No." I took a deep breath. "I just wanted to be with him."
"Did he ever break or destroy anything of yours?"
"What?" I asked, bewildered.
"Did he ever destroy any of your person belongings when he was angry with you?"
"No, we barely fought... But he did take everything when we broke up. Pictures, gifts, anything that would remind me of him. He said it would be like he never existed at all."
"Did he ever invade your privacy? Did he go through your email, your things, your room with of permission."
I startled. He did, technically break in to my room. But only to watch me. Dr. Chiraz definitely noticed my reaction.
"What, Bella? This is a safe space. You can tell me."
"When we first started dating, I thought I saw someone looking in to my window. I was really freaked out. I was so relieved when I found out it was Edward. He'd come watch me at night, to make sure I was safe. I started leaving the window open for him, so he could come inside. He'd lay with me all night."
"Bella, did Edward ever hurt you? Is that why you think your future with him would be a beautiful death?"
"No." I said firmly. This conversation had gotten completely out of hand. "Look, I know that this conversation isn't making Edward look good. But he was. He was a really good person. He didn't hurt or abuse me in any way. He just stopped loving me. That's not a crime, it's just inevitable."
"Inevitable?"
I sighed, not ready for this line of questioning. "He was perfect, and I'm just me. It was inevitable that he'd realize that I wasn't worth his time."
"Bella, that's not true." Dr. Chiraz said, looking directly in to my eyes. "You are smart, beautiful, and you have an amazing future ahead of you. You have had some pretty traumatic things happen to you, but that doesn't make you any less than anyone else."
"That's kind of you to say." I replied.
"But you don't agree?" She asked.
"I'm just plain boring Bella." I replied.
"That's not true." She repeated. "You've been through a lot. Most people couldn't handle what you've been through."
"I couldn't. That's why I'm here." I sighed.
"You're here because you want to move on, not because you weren't strong enough. Knowing when you need help takes strength, Bella. Being here does not make you weak." The sincerity in Dr. Chiraz's voice was very evident.
"I guess."
"Now, let's talk about the rest of your mood journal. It seems like you had fun with Angela and on your date! What about a hobby? Did you find something that brings you joy?"
"Not really. I like cooking, but I'm not sure that counts."
"It does. As long as you're cooking because you like it and not because it's something you have to do."
"Can it be both? If I don't cook, Charlie and I would live off takeout."
"Charlie?" Dr. Chiraz asked.
"My dad. Sorry."
"You call your dad Charlie?"
I paused. "Only really in my head. It was just my mom and I, really, growing up. My dad wanted to be involved, but he lived so far away, it never really worked out."
"What do you call your mom in your head?"
"Renee."
"Why is that?"
I paused. "I don't know. My mom wasn't exactly responsible. I felt like I had to take care of her growing up, not the other way around. Renee and Charlie are good parents, but I've sort of made my own way most of my life. My mom was my best friend and my dad wants nothing but the best for me, but... I've always felt different."
"I think this is something we should delve deeper in next week, as we are out of time. I'd like to speak to your dad before you head out."
I sat outside her office while my dad and Dr. Chiraz spoke. Not for the first time, I really wished I had super human hearing.
Charlie returned after a few minutes, looking a tad shaken. We exited the building and walked to the car in an oppressively awkward silence.
"Okay, I have to know." I said softly. "What did Dr. Chiraz say? How could she say anything? Im an adult, aren't there confidentiality laws?"
"There are." Charlie sighed. "She didn't say much. Just that you've been through a lot, and there might come a time where you may want to talk to me."
"Oh, is that all?" I wondered out loud. Their talk took a little too long to only be comprised of that bit of information.
"No. She told me that when you did talk, I had to be a father before I was a cop." That stopped me short.
"Can you please tell me what that means, Bella? I've been a cop for a long time, and while Forks is relatively quiet, I've seen things. Things that, if they happened to you - my little girl -"
Charlie's voice caught, his emotions rendering him unable to speak any further.
"It's not like that, Dad." I said quickly. I drew a breath, staring out the window at the passing trees. "She asked me all of these questions about him. Like if he was possessive or jealous. If he followed me or destroyed my things."
"She thinks he was abusive?" Charlie asked quickly. "Why would she think that? He didn't - he didn't hurt you?"
"No! He didn't hurt me." I said quietly. "Not physically."
"Bella, he was a vampire," Charlie began slowly with some effort. "He didn't... try and eat you, right?"
"No dad. The Cullens don't drink from humans, but my blood did appeal to him."
"So he wanted to eat you?" He asked, utterly appalled.
"I guess." I sighed. "I suppose that's what's Dr. Chiraz is picking up on, but now she has me confused."
"Why?"
"Because eveything she asked wasn't correct, but it wasn't wrong either."
"Bells..."
"I know. We have to talk about it, but I don't know how I feel right now."
Thank you for reading!