A TANGLED WEB Part 8: Endgame
Chapter 5 – Let the Fighting Begin
by Charlie Nelson a.k.a. Ordinaryguy2
AuThOr'S NoTeS:
The main crossovers in this chapter include: The Addams Family (1964-1966); Challenge of the Super-Friends (1978); Discworld; Land of the Lost (1974-1976); The Munsters (1964-1966); Star Trek (1966-1969); Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (1993-1999); Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-1994); Star Trek: Voyager (1995-2001); Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980); Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987-1996)
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IN THE SKY ABOVE THE LAND OF THE LOST
He flew across the sky in a yellow blur. It hadn't taken him long to discover that the strange land was only about 35 miles long and about 20 miles wide. Somehow this place was wrapped up in a tesseract. It was a universe onto itself; if you went over the mountain range on the left side of the river you came over the mountain range on the right side of the river.
The sky was another matter altogether. There was an impenetrable barrier about four miles above the land that on closer inspection seemed less like an invisible barrier and more like a screen. And what a screen. It was like nothing he had even seen before. It could display various astrological bodies such as suns and moons along with the heat, radiation and other effects that go along with them. Yes, he was going to enjoy learning the secrets of this place.
Sinestro began scanning the local area, as he had been commanded by the self-proclaimed the Master, for signs of the rivals they were expecting, or the Borg which he and his fellow members of the Legion of Doom had already faced before when their own universe had been invaded by the cybernetic creatures.
"This land has a beauty that belies the threat of the creatures that dwell within it," said one of his companions that stood on a yellow glowing platform with rails which automatically kept pace with the former Green Lantern.
"Yes, I can spy things down there that put even me to shivers," replied the Scarecrow.
"Those pylons interest me," admitted Gorilla Grodd. "Sinestro, has your ring been able to tell you anything about them?"
Sinestro scowled. "No, my ring barely registers their presence. They may be slightly out of synch with time. Yet another mystery to solve while we are here."
"Has your ring been able to confirm this compulsion or geis to not harm or hinder our self-proclaimed Master?" asked the Scarecrow.
"Yes, it is there. And before you ask, my ring is unable to remove it from myself so I doubt it can free anyone else either."
Grodd nodded. "I have been mentally trying to remove it from my mind, but it refuses to budge. So, for now we bide our time." He ducked as a pterodactyl chose to swoop in and inspect the potential prey, but Sinestro formed a yellow glowing flyswatter and ended its existence.
"Look there!" cried the Scarecrow. Where he pointed was a glowing red figure without discernable features walking down a path.
"Let's investigate." Having said that, Sinestro swooped down, causing the riders on the platform to clutch hold desperately to the handrails as they descended. They landed in front of the red humanoid figure, who stopped to regard them.
"This is not your time or place," said the figure telepathically.
"That we know," stated the fearsome Grodd. "But we are here, and we would know about this place. Tell us." The massive gorilla reached out with his mind to telepathically seize the mind of the other being but was not prepared for the strength of the rebuttal. He clutched his head in agony as he fell to one knee.
"Very well, we'll do this the hard way." Using his power ring, Sinestro formed a giant yellow hand around the red figure while the Scarecrow pulled out his gas gun and fired fear gas at the red captive.
"Now, my red friend, tell us who you are and where you are going," asked the giggling, confident Scarecrow.
"This is not your time or place," repeated the glowing figure. Then he raised a hand through the yellow energy fist that surrounded him, and three small beams of red light flew from it and struck the super-villains, leaving them still as statues and covered with a red glowing light.
The red glowing man walked up to them, inspected each of them briefly before turning to resume his traveling. Things were worse than he had previously assumed. There was a lot he had to correct.
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THE JUNGLES OF THE LAND OF THE LOST
Bossk took a long look through his macro-binoculars. He grunted in confirmation that he had indeed discovered the fools in the silly looking-spandex uniforms he'd been shown by Lord Vader. Yes, he'd found his prey all right. And even better, he found them before that upstart Boba Fett.
The breeze brought him their scents, and his large nostrils flared open to take it in. Saliva began to build up in the back of his throat as his anticipation built up. There were nine of them. Six males and three females. Only one, maybe two, seemed to be fighters worthy of concern.
He sent signals to the other hunters, excluding Fett, figuring that if he took his prey without Fett then maybe he'd be rewarded Fett's share as well.
He'd show that Mandalorian armor wearing fool who was the better hunter.
Meanwhile, down in the grove below, Malak raised his club in outrage at the denial to his request.
"Admiral McCoy," interjected Captain Picard. "Perhaps if you would be willing to give some of-"
"No!" snapped the admiral.
It was a frustrating situation. Capt. Picard outranked Capt. Sisko and Capt. Janeway by tenure, but Admiral McCoy outranked Picard all together, but had had no real experience in command in decades, even longer on being part of a landing party.
The true problem lay in the fact that Admiral McCoy was basking in his new-found youth and not taking charge of their mission. Instead, he seemed more interested in exchanging barbed insults with the large, barbaric man named Malak that they had encountered. Picard had hoped to get some useful information out of Malak, such as the lay of the land, dangerous plants or animals, allies, or possibly the location of the Borg.
Malak, on the other hand, seemed to have a somewhat juvenile mentality and demanded some of the treats that McCoy carried in a large picnic basket that Guinan had prepared for him before they had left Deep Space Nine.
"Ambassador Spock, can you reason with him?" Captain Picard finally asked.
The Vulcan still wore his dark Romulan robes and was in the midst of scanning a butterfly that had a three-foot wingspan when Picard made his request. "You are right, Captain Picard. We have been delayed by the wonders of this place for far too long. But I must also agree with Admiral McCoy. The dried meat – or jerky, if you prefer – that the admiral is hoarding could possibly prove to be too much for Malak and cause him considerable intestinal trauma unless he varies his diet more."
Admiral McCoy scowled. He knew his old friend was barbing him. "You just couldn't let it be, could you? I'm an omnivore, not an herbivore! I'm supposed to eat meat! I haven't had a decent meal in over fifty years and now I'm supposed to just share it with this Neanderthal wanna-be?"
"It would be most generous of you, admiral," said Spock. "Though we have no true evidence that he is a closely related to the Neanderthals despite his appearance."
"Of course, you don't," McCoy snapped. "That's because he's from around the twentieth century."
"How did you reach that conclusion?" Picard asked, scanning Malak with his eyes for whatever evidence that McCoy had spotted.
Admiral McCoy sighed. "He has a smallpox inoculation scar on his arm. I saw it when he was waving his arms around."
Spock did a quick scan of the bewildered Malak. "He is correct. There are trace amounts of the smallpox vaccine in his system from when he was a child."
"Ha! We've surprised Spock! That calls for a reward." He reached into the basket and pulled out a couple of large strips of jerky. "Here you go," he said, handing it to the bewildered Malak. "It's said to be the best alligator jerky to come out of Florida."
Picard gapped. "Admiral, I thought alligators are a protected species."
McCoy shook his head. "You're thinking about the endangered crocodiles. Two different creatures. There are huge alligator farms in Florida and Georgia." He took a bite of the jerky in his hand. "Klingons and Aldorians love the stuff. It's considered good manners to bring it along to diplomatic meetings with them."
Picard steered the conversation back toward Malak who was happily busy chewing jerky. "But if he's had a smallpox vaccine, then he must have come from the twentieth century-," stated Picard, thinking about the paper he might write about the cultural changes Malak may have gone through. "-how did he get here and become like this?"
"I'm a doctor, not a detective," snapped the rejuvenated man. "But since I'm also an admiral, I'm willing to hazard a guess." He tapped the jerky to his chin as he contemplated the matter. Malak began darting glances at everyone while trying to chew the delicious jerky in his mouth. "I'm thinking that our large acquaintance here must have stumbled through one of the many time doorways around here when he was a young child. Probably raised himself, which would explain his behavior. And a steady diet of some of the unusually large fruits and vegetables could have affected his thalamus and pituitary glands causing him to grow extra-large, especially if he was eating a large concentration of them during his natural growth spurts."
Spock nodded. "I would need to have more time to study any data we gather, but I believe that your hypothesis is very plausible."
Malak managed to swallow the jerky after a moment's difficulty. "What is he saying? I cannot understand the pointy-eared one."
McCoy grinned. "Just that you are not from as far away as we had originally thought. Now let's talk turkey. And speaking of turkeys, I have a turkey sandwich here in this basket for you if you can tell us something we need to know. Are you interested?"
Near the stream that flowed through the grove, Captain Janeway sat on a moss-covered log with Kes. The younger woman was still shaking due to the trauma of forcibly being returning to corporal form by Q.
"Kes?"
"Captain, I'm sorry. It's just so much of a change."
"Is it really so different?"
"I-I feel as if I've just become handicapped, crippled, brain damaged even."
"After all this is done-" Janeway hesitated, carefully choosing her words. "Will you be able to return to how you were? Do you even want to?"
Kes gave a desperate laugh. "I'm not sure. I really don't know."
"Kes, do you regret Q choosing you for this?"
"I-I don't know. I just don't know." She lowered her head.
"Why didn't you come visit us? We would have loved to have seen you. You wouldn't believe how fast Naomi Wildman has grown. Neelix says it's all the nutrients she gets from eating his cooking, but Tuvok and the doctor says-"
"Captain," she interrupted. "I was reveling in my new abilities. Exploring on a scale you couldn't imagine; with senses you cannot comprehend. Time seemed to flow differently. I-" She began to sob.
Captain Janeway patted her shoulder. "I understand. You became a butterfly. You took on a different form and were exploring in ways your other form could never do."
Kes burst out laughing with tears still coming down her elven face. "The doctor showed me a field of butterflies once on the holodeck. It was like a dream."
The captain nodded. "Kes, if you do return to your 'butterfly' form again. Try to come down to visit us caterpillars from time to time, okay? Just to let us know you are okay, alright?"
They hugged and the captain passed a canteen of water to her still shaky friend.
Just downstream, sitting on a large rock, General Martok regarded the Bajoran woman with his one good eye. "You left Starfleet."
Ro glanced at him briefly. "We had a disagreement."
The Klingon laughed. "Yes, I bet you did," with his deep booming voice.
"What are our chances of surviving this?"
His face became somber. "You are afraid of dying?"
"I was just yanked away from where I was supposed to die! Everybody that I had let get close to me in my new life that I had made for me did die there! I don't know whether to be grateful for being alive or angry that I wasn't left to die with the others!"
Martok lowered his head thinking about what she had said. "Klingons are a warrior people. Death is always with us. We like to think that every day is a good day to die."
Ro snorted. "That's not exactly a secret."
He nodded. "True, but what other races fail to realize about Klingons is that we also believe that every day is also a good day to live. And that, my young Bajoran, is the true reason Klingons fight so hard. Because we want to live! And enjoy each day as it comes! And then when the time comes that we falter in battle due to age or chance we will have died with honor from a life we will have lived to its fullest!"
"I've never heard it explained that way before," she said. "Although there are a few Bajoran philosophers that have listed similar insights."
"Yes, the Bajoran people have a number of similar ideas and concepts with the Klingons. When we return, I would have you read some excerpts from some of my favorite Klingon philosophers."
"I… thank you."
Captain Sisko walked over from the bushes where he had taken care of a few biological needs. "General Martok. Ro Laren. Ready yourselves. I believe we are being watched. Comm systems are being blocked."
He continued walking upstream as if he wasn't aware of something to try and warn the others, but chaos erupted first.
General Martok received a blast to the shoulder that threw him to the ground where he rolled into the stream's edge. He shook his head to orient himself, then dipped his shoulder into the water to cool the red, hot metal of his shoulder pad. Growling with anger, he looked for his attackers.
Ro Laren was behind a large tree exchanging fire with someone out of sight deep in the brush of the lush tropical plants. Sisko was closer and grappling with a large reptilian humanoid with some type of armor that appeared to also be used for space walks.
Charging, Martok was able to tackle Bossk just before the Trandoshan could sink his teeth into the captain of Deep Space Nine's neck. Sisko was tossed free and unconscious while the Klingon and the Trandoshan traded blows until Bossk caught Martak's hand in his jaws.
Gritting his teeth, the Klingon head-butted the Trandoshan bounty hunter in a distracting motion for his other hand to pull a knife on his vest. Thus armed, but still in close quarters, Martok was able to stab Bossk in the gut, though the suit the Trandoshan wore provided some protection. Bossk released his bite on Martok's hand and batted the Klingon away so that he could flee with the Klingon blade still in his side.
Martok had the wind knocked out of him, yet he managed to draw a phaser and fire a few volleys in the direction of the bounty hunter.
Nearby, Captain Janeway and Kes took cover behind the log that they had been sitting on moments before having been fired on.
The robotic bounty hunter IG-88 was propelled just above the vegetation and uneven ground by a small rocket pack on its back. Its multiple optical sensors scanned on various wavelengths to confirm the location of his prey.
Janeway tried targeting the assassin droid, but it refused to stay in one place with its rocket pack. Finally, IG-88 decided to end the one-sided game and sent a barrage of blasts into the three-foot-wide log causing huge chunks of it to splinter. Janeway was knocked back by the blasting and showered with wood shrapnel.
"Captain!" Kes screamed. Then she turned on the oncoming robot and became very angry. The energy blast that emanated from the female Ocampa was indefinable to the assassin droid's sensors. Some might say it was psychic energy, and they would be partially correct. Others would argue that it had to have been a type of solar or at least electromagnetic pulse used by Kes, and they would be partially correct, too. But whatever the full definition of the energy used on IG-88, it was effective, but costly, too.
Kes fell next to the Voyager's captain in a completely catatonic state.
The rocket pack had blown but IG-88's shell was only slightly damaged. The central processors of the IG-88 were completely down. Back-up circuitry tried repeatedly to get the protected memory unit back online even as self-repairs were underway. A protected sub-server installed as a safety feature engaged itself and took over the rudimentary movements of the robotic shell enabling it to attempt fleeing until IG-88 rebooted itself. After getting itself to its feet, the safety program began guiding the robotic shell away from the battlefield over the unleveled ground with great care.
Meanwhile, McCoy, Picard and Spock had taken cover behind a group of trees and boulders while Malak ran away. The three men exchanged fire with their attackers that were on either side of them.
"Who are they?" yelled McCoy.
"Either residents of this place or agents of Q2," answered Spock. "Regardless, they seem to wish our demise."
"I think that there are just two of them currently firing on us," commented Picard, as he ducked down. "The others are under attack as well."
McCoy smirked. "You know, even after a hundred years, I've noticed that it still seems to come down to these damn shootouts. You'd think that we would have come up with some other means to settle our differences by now." So saying, he aimed carefully at where the shots were originating from across the stream and fired. He was rewarded by with the collapse of one of the snipers. The other bounty hunter soon stopped firing and brush could be heard snapping as he left.
Spock looked up from his tricorder. "They seem to employ a type of stealth field on their persons which is why they were not detected by our proximity alert. Also, it appears that the sniper that Admiral McCoy shot was an android or robot of some type."
"Damn it, Spock!" snapped Admiral McCoy. "We've known each for about a century now. Call me 'Bones', already. No more of that 'Admiral this or that'. If I'm going to relive my glory days or at least some of my youth, then I'd like to use the name everybody called me by."
Spock raised an eyebrow. "Indeed." Captain Picard repressed a chuckle.
That was when Ro arrived out of breath. "Doctor! I mean Admiral McCoy!"
"Damn it! Call me 'Bones'!"
She stared uncomprehending before adding, "The others are injured!"
"Damn!" He scooped up his medical kit he had had Lt. Barclay find for him before he had left Deep Space Nine. He may have become an admiral, but he was still a doctor, too. He stepped over a large rock and moved with a speed that belied his true age.
Spock followed to see if he could give any aid. Ro Laren was about to as well when Captain Picard stopped her. "Ensign Ro,… I'm sorry," he said, suddenly remembering that she was no longer a Starfleet ensign, but had run off and joined the Maquis. "Ro, I'd like you to come with me. Admiral McCoy… 'Bones', shot one of the attackers. An android or possibly a robot. I'd like to see if we can bring it back and possibly learn something from it about our attackers."
Ro nodded. "Very well, sir." The mention of her time in Starfleet hurt, but it also brought to mind that if she survives all this, she'd have to figure out what to do with her life, that is if Starfleet didn't take her away and lock her up. No. Captain Picard would never allow that. But what to do?
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IN ANOTHER PART OF THE JUNGLES
The man and woman walked through the lush jungle. He was much taller than she was, so she had to reach up some to hold his hand, although she didn't mind. They had been happily married for years.
"Herman," she said, "when you first suggested that we go away for a week to look at statuary with your golf partner and his family I really didn't think that it was a good idea. But everyone seems to be having such a good time." She gave him a quick hug. "I'm glad we came. It's almost like a second honeymoon. Except for the fact that we have our family along."
Herman was seven feet tall with a slight greenish-gray completion. The top of his head was flat, and he had a very distinguishing scar running down his unusually large forehead above his right eye. Even more noticeable were the two bolts that stuck out of either side of his neck. Still, he was a jolly sort who was very happy with his unlife.
The main reason for his joy was his wife, Lily. She sported a white streak in her black tresses that he loved even though it took her so long to comb every night. She had a wonderful chalk-white complexion and wore flowing, tattered gowns that he adored. Plus, she kept him on track in case he ever forgets something important, which was often.
"The kids are off playing together. Grandpa seems to be happily chatting with my golf partner's uncle. Spot's running around somewhere." He paused to look around. "Now if we could just find that statue place where we are spending the night."
She playfully put her hand on his chest. "Oh, I don't know. I'm enjoying walking around here with you so much I almost hope we don't find it."
"Yes, dear," he responded, absent-mindedly patting his wife's hand. "Oh! I think I see a building over that way. Let's check it out, Lily."
As he made a path through the thick leaves, they began spotting a number of statues that were partially covered with foliage.
"Oh my, what beautiful statues!" exclaimed Lily. "So lifelike."
The first statue was of a shorter man with a harsh face wearing a mean-looking uniform. He had a gun in his hand with which he seemed to be pointing at them.
"I can't tell. Is he military or police?" asked Herman.
"A little bit of both, dear. I think it's a Gestapo uniform from WWII."
"And look," pointed Herman. "At their feet, a little sign to tell who it's supposed to be." He moved a few vines with his foot so he could read it. "Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter. Hmm. Doesn't look very happy, does he?."
"Oh, look Herman, this one looks so scared you can almost see him still shivering."
Herman glanced at the statue in a basic American uniform though the man didn't look like a soldier. He read the small sign at the statue's feet. "Maj. Frank Burns. Hmm, I think they chiseled off too much of his lips."
"This one's in a lab coat. It's wonderful workmanship."
The statue face seemed both to extrude both disbelief and horror at whatever he was gazing upon. Herman looked down at the plaque. "Dr. Nigel Fenway." He turned to his wife with a question. "I thought statues were usually only made of heroes, athletes and conquerors?"
"In this day and age anyone can be a hero, dear." She moved over to the next statue. "Here's one of a young lady."
This one seemed to be in a fighting stance, ready to lash out. Herman timidly reached forward with his foot and cleared the name plate of some leaves. "Juliet Stewart."
"And here's a young man. Fit, too," she added. "If only he were alive, perhaps he would be the one for poor Marilyn."
Herman sighed as he glanced down at the name plate of David Vincent. The statue seemed as if he had just been running from something. "Dear, you can't keep fixating on Marilyn's plight. It only makes it harder for everyone. She's off enjoying her spring break down in Florida. Maybe she'll find a guy there who can look past her… deformities and see the inner beauty that we can see or maybe not. Let her have her chance to enjoy her vacation and we'll enjoy ours. All right?"
She smiled and hugged him. "I'm so glad Dr. Frankenstein put such a big heart in you."
He blushed for a moment before seeing something that caught his attention. "Oh honey! Look! Can we get it? Can we? Can we? Can we?"
Her mouth hung open in horror. "Uh…I was hoping for a something a little more classical or regal."
"Oh, but it's wonderful!"
"Let's at least look around a little more," she said, trying to sound diplomatic, but was really saying no. "I'm sure Madam Medusa has some more wonderful works around here. She took his arm and led him away from the long hook-nosed short statue of a strange creature named Gonzo. She glanced back and shuddered as she imagined it being in her yard.
Not in her unlife. After all, what would the neighbors think!
"Ah, there you two are! Welcome to the Garden of Eternity! Home of over a hundred statues!" Gomez Addams grinned enthusiastically as he walked over to them with his cane in hand. He was just under six feet tall and wore a dark pinstriped suit. "Morticia and I got here a few minutes ago. We've been looking for Madam Medusa, but she doesn't seem to be around."
"Things are a little overgrown," Lily commented.
Gomez nodded. "Morticia noted that too. That is something Madam Medusa would never have allowed."
Herman looked concerned. "Does that mean we don't have a place to stay tonight?"
"Oh, she wouldn't mind us spending the night," said Morticia as she glided over which was rather necessary considering the skin-tight black gown with octopus-like tendrils at the bottom that she wore. "Madam Medusa was always one for inviting travelers to come in and rest."
"And they probably inspired her in her sculpting," added Lily.
Morticia nodded. "Travelers did tend to supply her with the raw materials of her works of art."
A shrill scream sounded in the jungle but was suddenly cut off by a choking noise.
"Ah, Thing has found something to entertain himself with," Morticia said, by way of explanation.
Lily had a look of concern. "That reminds me, do you think the children are alright?"
Gomez waved off the concern. "Oh, Wednesday and Pugsley are probably showing Eddie the giant spiders or the Velociraptors."
"Are they dangerous?" she asked.
He looked thoughtful as he considered the plight of the children while he tapped his cane against the sole of his shoe to remove some dirt. "I think the odds favor the kids. But the Velociraptors do have the home field advantage, so I guess I'd say it'll be even money."
Just then the Addams' butler, Lurch, slowly came around some brush dragging a statue. He was close to Herman's height but had a lighter complexion.
"Turn it around, Lurch," said Gomez. "I want them to see the statue we'll be buying."
Lurch complied with a shuddering, deep moan. His bulk moved out of the way to reveal a statue of a petrified Sleestak with its arms reaching out before it.
Herman and Lily were struck with wonder. "Amazing!" Lily finally managed to say.
"Yes, he is, isn't he?" Gomez said, throwing his arm over the statue's shoulder. "He'll make a great coat and hat rack."
"I could never even imagine such creatures," said Mrs. Munster. "See how they are put together with those large claws and those eyes! Oh, the eyes!"
"Well, you had better start," chuckled Gomez, "because they are on tonight's menu after we hunt some down."
"What do they taste like?" asked Herman, who had reached out a hand to touch one of the statue's claws.
"Like lobster, only tougher and not quite as salty," answered Mr. Addams.
Lily tapped the side of her mouth. "So that was what you brought the black cauldron for, to cook these things."
Morticia smiled. "They're called Sleestak. And, yes, we will cook the claws and feet in the cauldron, but Lurch and Cousin Itt will be treating us to one of their barbecue masterpieces where they cook the torsos on a spit over a fire, coating it with special sauces Itt picked up from a penpal of his. A Dr. Hannibal Lecter. Madam Medusa loved these kinds of meals."
"How did you meet this Madam Medusa?" asked Herman.
Morticia smiled. "Before we had children, we had traveled quite a bit to see some of the more exotic and unusual places. Investigate ancient Mayan temples, robbing Egyptian crypts, hiking in Pellucidar, head-hunting in Africa, and exploring family roots in Transylvania. But while checking on real-estate in Eerie, Indiana, we happened to find this pylon that two boys—I believe their names were Marshall and Simon—Anyway, they were investigating this odd pylon. After they left, the pylon suddenly became open. Being the adventurous couple we are, we went in and the next thing we know it had brought us here." She held out her hand to Gomez who took it and kissed it. "We found Madam Medusa right away and hit it off quite well. She even gave me a cutting of one of her man-eating plants which I was able to grow and still have. Cleopatra has grown quite well under my care."
"Then we met the red fellow who runs this place. Wasn't too happy with us a first."
"He showed us how to get back home," Morticia added.
"And now we come here every couple of years," said Gomez. "Partially to get away from it all; partially to reconnect with Madam Medusa."
"She was very interested in seeing the children as they got older," Morticia added. "I wonder what has become of her?"
"Oh lookee!" Herman exclaimed as he dragged another statue out of the brush where it had been half buried in leaves and vines. It was a stone image of an angry woman in a long flowing robe with a head full of snakes instead of hair.
"It's Madam Medusa!" cried out Morticia.
Gomez nodded. "It's the old 'get the gorgon to look in a mirror' trick. Gets them every time." He pulled out an already smoldering cigar out of his inner jacket pocket. "Oh well, she was always into her work, I'll guess she'll just stay there then."
"Maybe not," said Herman, holding up a finger. "Lily, dear, wouldn't she look lovely in the garden amongst the poison ivy?"
Lily clasped her hands together. "Oh Hermie!" she said with excitement. Then, as an afterthought, looked to their hosts. "Do you think she'll mind if we take her?"
Morticia shook head ever so slightly. "No. Place her in your garden. She would appreciate that her last great work went to a lovely couple like you, who looked on her creations with delight."
Lily hugged her husband which was a little more difficult than normal since he was jumping up and down in joy.
Just then, the moment was interrupted when dozens of ninjas in purple and black rushed out of the lush greenery of the jungle and surrounded the two couples and their butler.
Herman managed an 'oh dear' as he pulled his wife in close to him.
"It's okay, Herman," she said, trying to sooth him. "They don't have torches and pitchforks," she reminded him, which was one of his greatest fears.
As if they were one being, the ninjas all drew their swords.
"Mommy!" squeaked Herman.
Gomez's reaction was different; he grinned wildly with exuberance as he placed his still lit cigar back into his inner jacket pocket. "My love, did you order the ninjas for me?"
"Not this time, dear. I was saving that idea until our next trip to the Bermuda Triangle." She shared a secret smile with him.
The ninjas parted to allow a muscular Japanese man to walk past them. He wore metal armor loosely based off of the armor once worn by samurai warriors. The armor he wore was also uniquely covered with blades that extruded out for unwary opponents. On his head he wore a metal helmet with a metal mask attached that covered his face, leaving only the eyes showing. On his back was a purple cape that seemed to double as a robe.
Shredder looked with disdain at the pitiful people before him. He had faced ninjas, cyborgs, mutants, time-travelers, dimensional-travelers, aliens, and even a few politicians. This group of mutates nothing to him and his men. Shredder was even angrier that the Master had ordered him and his Foot ninjas to explore the area and find natives to extract information from. He had ordered him! If not for the inability of any of them able to harm the self-stylized Master, the Shredder would have lived up to his name and tore him to pieces. Meanwhile, he'd take his frustrations out on these poor fools who looked like rejects from a Hollywood costume party.
"I am the Shredder. If you wish to live you will tell us everything you know about this land and anyone you may have encountered recently."
Herman raised his hand. "Well, um, you see, Mr. Shredder-"
"Never!" Mr. Addams cried out his answer with glee. He took his cane, and with a twist, was able to unsheathe his sword hidden within. "Ah ha!"
Shredder nodded to one of the Foot ninjas on his left. The ninja silently charged forward while Gomez yelled a battle cry that shattered the noise of the jungle. The swords clanged together, and as Morticia watched her husband risk life and limb, she gentle sipped a cup of smoking tea that Lurch had handed to her.
"Ah ha!" exclaimed Gomez, as he inserted his cane sword between the other man's ribs. He watched as the other man fell to his feet dead. "Wonderful!" He looked up with wide-eyed joy at Shredder. "Again!"
Annoyed, Shredder nodded to three more of his Foot soldiers, and they charged forth. Gomez's eyes gleamed in merriment. He placed his foot under the handle of his fallen foe's weapon and kicked it up where he could grab it in the air, now having two swords to swing with. "Ha ha! Feel free to join in, Munster! There's plenty for everyone!" He hacked and slashed while grinning madly much to Shredder's growing begrudging admiration.
"Grab the others!" Shredder shouted, thinking that a few hostages would end this foolishness.
Some of his men moved slowly toward the tall form of Lurch as fear grew in them as they took in his sullen, morbid, death-like expression. But fear of Shredder motivated them to attack when instinct told them not to go anywhere near the tall man.
Lurch let out a low, unearthly groan that sent shivers up their spines. He then reached over and picked up a statue of a man with long sideburns wearing a white outfit with lots of rhinestones. Raising the statue of Elvis Presley over his head, he threw it at the surprised ninjas. All but one was able to dodge out of the way. They separated in order to surround this strong man and were now more wary. Lurch picked up another statue, this time one that was of an astronaut.
The other members of the Foot clan sought easier prey in the form of the cowering Herman Munster and his wife Lily. While the Munsters appearance might be shocking to most people, these ninjas had seen far stranger things while serving under Shredder, and now almost expected the unusual and bizarre.
Lily tried to slap the man's hands away as he grabbed for her wrists. When she resisted one of them slapped her across the face.
"Lily!" Herman let out an inhuman roar as he grabbed the two men who had been trying to hold his arms. He threw one at the side of one of the white marble walls about thirty feet away where the ninja left a wet, red imprint of himself before sliding down to the ground. The other man he threw out over the jungle where some vines suddenly shot up and ensnared the black and purple robed ninja, just before pulling him down to consume.
Morticia showed no concern or resistance when two men grabbed her and held her tight. Their eyes widened in alarm as they realized their mistake just before gravity pulled their lifeless bodies to the ground. She looked up catching Shredder's eye before she raised her palms to reveal the poisoned needle attached to the back of her wedding ring. Then from her sleeve she extracted a blowgun.
Shredder was just about to order his men to kill them while he attended to the dispatching of the grinning madman with the swords himself, when cries and screams from the jungle stopped them all. Even Herman came back to his senses, and he took the moment to help his wife up as she had been previously attached to the throat of one of her attackers, sucking the life blood out of him. Lily dabbed at her mouth with a handkerchief that her husband had pulled out of his pocket. They listened to the screams coming closer. "Now who could that be?" she asked curiously.
Two beings burst out of the jungle and tripped over a body. They rolled briefly before struggling to their feet again. Seeing Shredder, they hurried over and fell to their knees.
Bebop and Rocksteady had worked for Shredder for years now. And even Shredder was surprised that he kept them on since they often proved more incompetent than effective. Both men had been undisciplined street thugs before Shredder took them in and had them mutated to counter his nemeses: the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Bebop had been mutated into a human warthog, but still sporting a purple Mohawk, nose ring and shades. Rocksteady had been mutated into a human rhinoceros and preferred a more military look with army camouflage pants.
"It's after us!" Rocksteady gasped.
"It won't stop!" Bebop managed to say. "It just keeps coming!"
A loud roar sounded nearby, adding to the tension of the people in the statue filled garden.
Herman scanned the jungle in recognition of the roars. "Spot? Here Spot! Come here, boy!"
Spot roared again in the jungle and a burst of flame could be seen a dozen yards away. Suddenly, there was a hurt squealing sound that could be heard running away.
"Oh no, Herman! Whatever that was hurt Spot!"
"It's coming!" exclaimed Bebop in terror. Rocksteady clutched at Bebop while staring in horror into the lush greenery of the jungle.
"Enough of this farce!" yelled Shredder. "To me, my Foot soldiers. Leave this coming beast to kill these people." He turned and left, his living ninjas following quickly behind.
Bebop and Rocksteady were about to go as well when they heard Gomez speak.
"Morticia," Gomez said, as he used his hands to frame a picture of Bebop and Rocksteady. "Can't you imagine their heads hanging side by side above the mantle at home? Or perhaps above the commode?"
The two mutates bolted after Shredder and the others. On the opposite side of the clearing a large traveling chest that seemed slightly chard rushed out of the jungle. Beneath it, the hundreds of little legs that had been propelling it at a very fast pace, dug in their heels. Soon it was examining its surroundings as if searching for something. Morticia cleared her throat to get the animated chest's attention, before calmly pointed toward where Bebop and Rocksteady had exited into the jungle. The Luggage seemed to almost nod in appreciation before charging after its previous prey.
Gomez went to pursue but his wife called to him. "Bubbele, stay here for now. You can hunt them latter."
" 'Tish, that's Yiddish!" He returned to his wife and began passionately kissing her up and down her arms.
"We have company, my dear," she reminded him.
With reluctance, Gomez disengaged from his wife's arm. "Ah, yes, Munster, you were great. I think you may have thrown a few of those fellows farther than I've ever seen you hit a golf ball."
Herman blushed bright green and red. "It was just one of those 'stand up for your lady' moments. It gets the blood moving as well," he said with embarrassment and a bit of pride.
"Herman's so modest," Lily said, snuggling into his side.
"And you were in excellent form as well, old chap." He slapped the black-robed skeleton on the shoulder causing him to almost drop his scythe.
"YOU SAW THAT?" Then paused. "YOU REALLY THINK I HAVE A GOOD FORM?" He took a practice swing with his scythe ending the life of one of the gravely injured ninjas that had been left behind. While most people never did notice him, when they did, he tried to make the best of it. Besides, now that he had time to really consider them, he could tell they weren't exactly like most of his regular clients.
"Superb!" cried out Gomez. "Whenever any of us were putting the last touches to an attack, you were there swinging away with that beautiful scythe of yours."
"I DO GET A LOT OF PRACTICE WHILE WORKING, BUT IT CAN BE SO MUNDANE THAT SOMETIMES I FEAR I MIGHT LOSE THE DRIVE THAT THIS JOB TAKES," admitted Death.
"You work around here?" Herman asked. He had found an old shovel and was marking a spot to bury all the bodies. He was used to putting people in the ground as that is a large part of what he did working for Gateman, Goodbury and Graves, where he worked. Besides, he wanted it to look neat and tidy around here if they were going to stay for their vacation. He did a head count of nine bodies, but then noticed one of the vines from the jungle slowly reaching out and snagging one of the fallen ninjas around the neck and slowly dragging it back with it. As more vines came out of the jungle, Herman decided against burial and put aside the shovel letting nature take its course.
"MOST OF MY WORK IS ELSEWHERE. BUT I WAS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD CHECKING ON AN ACQUAINTANCE OF MINE, AND I WAS SUB-CONTRACTED OUT TO THIS JOB."
"And a fine job you did, too," Lily commented. Morticia nodded her approval.
Herman tapped his chin for a moment as he struggled with a thought. "Say, Gomez and I were hoping to get a group of four to go golfing. I figured after the way you swing that scythe you must have quite the killing stroke out on the golf course. Do you think that you'd like to join us?"
The skull seemed to in deep consideration before nodding its approval. "IT SOUNDS INTERESTING, AND I AM DUE FOR A HOLIDAY. I THINK I'D LIKE TO TRY MY HAND AT GOLF."
"Ah, you have never lived until you've played golf, my friend," Mr. Addams said, grinning wildly.
"THEN IT'LL PROVE TO BE VERY INTERESTING INDEED."
"Um, what do we call you?" asked Herman, hesitantly.
"I HAVE BEEN KNOWN BY MANY NAMES, BUT I THINK I WILL CHOOSE BILL DOOR FOR NOW. IT HAS FOND MEMORIES FOR ME."
Gomez puffed on his cigar. "Now we just need a fourth player. Hmmm. Morticia, what about that old fiancé of Gram-mama's? Beetlejuice, I think it was?"
"Gomez!" she looked at him in alarm. "You know what a dreadful influence he is on the children!"
"Say no more," he said, nodding with agreement. "It took weeks to get all those skeletons back in the closet after he last visited."
"Beetlejuice?" Herman said. "What an interesting name. Beetlejuice. It just rolls off the tongue. Beetlej-"
"No!" said Morticia. "Do not speak the ghoul's name again! The consequences of doing so-" Unable to continue with that thought, a shiver went down her spine. And not in the way she liked.
"Oh, he's one of those types of ghouls," Herman said, with some understanding. He raised a hand to his lips and made a zipper motion across then to show that he wouldn't say it anymore.
"I DO BELIEVE I KNOW OF A POSSIBLE FOURTH PLAYER," mentioned Death. "HE'S THE ACQUAINTANCE I MENTIONED EARLIER."
"Is he respectable?" asked Morticia.
"HE'S A WIZARD. IT WAS HIS LUGGAGE THAT CAME BARGING THROUGH HERE EARLIER." He glanced at a small hourglass where the sands that were supposed to be flowing through seemed to have formed a barricade. He gave the hourglass a shake, and then shook his bony head. "I BELIEVE HE HAS TIME FOR A COUPLE OF ROUNDS. THOUGH HIS HOURGLASS DOES PROVE TO BE MOST DIFFICULT TO READ."
"Capital! Herman and I will chart a course. You go find your friend. We'll see if we can get a few rounds of golf in before dinner."
"Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!" Herman said, jumping up and down, shaking the landscape.
Gomez watched as the last of the bodies were dragged into the forest by the vines. "You're going to love playing golf here, Munster. This place really grabs you!" Then, he glanced around. "Has anyone seen Fester? I believe he has my golf clubs."
To be Continued!
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Original AuThOr'S NoTeS: 8/31/2007
Hope nobody forgot about our glowing red man walking around the Land of the Lost wanting to restore order. He's one of my essential ingredients to my story.
Okay, Malak. Malak was from the third season of Land of the Lost and is played by Richard Kiel who also played the body of the Zarn back in chapter 2. You might know Richard Kiel best as one of the more well-known James Bond villains, Jaws, as well as the television Wild, Wild West villain Voltaire back in A Tangled Web Part 7: Borg on the Range. I always thought that Malak was too large and smart to be a barbarian or Neanderthal, so I figured I'd add a little to his history to explain that. The story in Land of the Lost was inconclusive of his origins.
Hope everybody liked the brief battle between the Star Wars bounty hunters and the people from the Star Trek universe. There will be more to come.
I just had to add the Addams Family and the Munsters to the mix. Not only are they interesting but I've got plans for one of the characters from the show which I can't tell you about just yet.
As for Death a.k.a. Bill Door, he's from Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. If you haven't read them yet I highly recommend you go to your local library and try one. My wife did and she read nearly the entire series in three months. And she doesn't usually like fantasy books. I recommend 'Men at Arms' or 'Guards! Guards!' to start with even though they are more in the middle of the series. Death took the name Bill Door in the book 'Reaper Man' when he temporarily lived with normal people.
Hope people can guess the statues in the Medusa's garden. If not, I have a list of where the characters came from a little bit below here. I had long thought to find a way to use Hogan's Heroes and MASH in my story, so this was a last-ditch effort to do so. As for the other characters, well, I just thought they'd be interesting to speculate.
In the show Land of the Lost, there was a character named Medusa in one episode who was running around turning things that upset her to stone. I'm just building on that theme as a setting. She's from a different reality than the gorgon's head that I used in A Tangled Web Part 3: When in Greece… Plus, she's been turned to stone so I can't use her to defeat the Borg the same way I did earlier anyway.
Updated AuThOr'S NoTeS: 1-16-2022
In this chapter I lend more mystery to the red glowing man. And that is all I will say on that right now.
As for the statues in Madam Medusa's garden, they were chosen to show a variety of people that come to the Land of the Lost.
I also showed a greater ferocity in the Addams and the Munsters when they fight than seen on the show. They are depicted as monsters, so I wanted to show a little of that.
ChArAcTeR InDeX FoR ThE ChApTeR:
4-LOM (Chris Parsons) – from the movie Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
Addams, Cousin Itt (Roger Arroyo) – from the TV series The Addams Family (1964-1966)
Addams, Gomez (John Astin) – from the TV series The Addams Family (1964-1966)
Addams, Gram-mama (Marie Blake) – from the TV series The Addams Family (1964-1966) (mentioned only)
Addams, Morticia Frump (Carolyn Jones) – from the TV series The Addams Family (1964-1966)
Addams, Pugsley (Ken Weatherwax) – from the TV series The Addams Family (1964-1966) (mentioned only)
Addams, Wednesday Friday (Lisa Loring) – from the TV series The Addams Family (1964-1966) (mentioned only)
At the Earth's Core, 1914, by Edgar Rice Burroughs, of the Pellucidar series (mentioned only)
Barclay III, Lt. Reginald 'Reg' (Dwight Schultz) – from the TV series Star Trek: The Next Generation (1990-1994) (mentioned only)
Bebop (voiced by Barry Gordon) – from the cartoon Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987-1996)
Beetlejuice (Michael Keaton) – from the movie Beetlejuice (1988) (mentioned only)
Bossk (Alan Harris) – from the movie Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
The Builder / The Other – from the TV series Land of the Lost; from the TV series Doctor Who
Burns, Maj. Frank (Larry Linville) – from the TV series M*A*S*H (1972-1977)
Cleopatra – from the TV series The Addams Family (1964-1966) (mentioned only)
Death / Door, Bill – from the book The Colour of Magic, 1983, by Terry Pratchett, of the Discworld series; (Christopher Lee) – from the movies Wyrd Sisters (1997), Soul Music (1997), The Color of Magic (2008), (Ian Richardson) – Hogfather (2006)
Doctor, The holographic EMH (Robert Picardo) – from the TV series Star Trek: Voyager (1995-2001) (mentioned only)
Dracula, Sam 'Grandpa' (Al Lewis) – from the TV series The Munsters (1964-1966)
Fenway, Dr. Nigel (Brent Spiner) – from the TV series Threshold (2005-2006)
Fett, Boba (Jeremy Bulloch) – from the movie Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980) (mentioned only)
Frankenstein, Dr. Victor von (Peter Cushing) – from the movie The Curse of Frankenstein (1957), The Revenge of Frankenstein (1958), The Evil of Frankenstein(1964), Frankenstein Created Woman (1967), Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed (1969), Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell (1973) (mentioned only)
Frump, Uncle Fester (Jackie Coogan) – from the TV series The Addams Family (1964-1966) (mentioned only)
Gonzo (voiced by Dave Goelz) – from the TV series The Muppet Show (1976-1981)
Gorilla Grodd (voiced by Stanley Ralph Ross) – from the cartoon Challenge of the Super-Friends (1978), Super Friends (1983), from DC Comics Flash #106 (1959)
Hochstetter, Maj. Wolfgang (Howard Caine) – from the TV series Hogan's Heroes (1967-1971)
Holmes, Simon (Justin Senkarow) – from the TV series Eerie, Indiana (1991-1992) (mentioned only)
IG-88 (Paul Klein) – from the movie Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
Janeway, Capt. Kathryn (Kate Mulgrew) – from the TV series Star Trek: Voyager (1995-2001)
Kes (Jennifer Lien) – from the TV series Star Trek: Voyager (1995-1997)
Laren, Ro (Michelle Forbes) – from the TV series Star Trek: The Next Generation (1991-1994)
Lecter, Dr. Hannibal (Anthony Hopkins) – from the movie Silence of the Lambs (1991) (mentioned only)
The Luggage – from the book The Colour of Magic, 1983, by Terry Pratchett, of the Discworld series
Lurch (Ted Cassidy) – from the TV series The Addams Family (1964-1966)
Malak (Richard Kiel)– from the TV series Land of the Lost (1976)
Martok, General (J.G. Hertzler) – from the TV series Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (1995-1999)
The Master – from the TV series Doctor Who (mentioned only)
McCoy, Adm. Leonard 'Bones' (DeForest Kelley) – from the TV series Star Trek (1966-1969)
Medusa (Marian Thompson) – from the TV series Land of the Lost (1976)
Munster, Eddie Wolfgang (Butch Patrick) – from the TV series The Munsters (1964-1966) (mentioned only)
Munster, Herman (Fred Gwynne) – from the TV series The Munsters (1964-1966)
Munster, Lily (Yvonne De Carlo) – from the TV series The Munsters (1964-1966)
Munster, Marilyn (Pat Priest) – from the TV series The Munsters (1964-1966) (mentioned only)
Picard, Capt. Jean-Luc (Patrick Stewart) – from the TV series Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-1994)
Q (John de Lancie) – from the TV series Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-?), Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: Voyager (mentioned only)
Rincewind – from the book The Colour of Magic, 1983, by Terry Pratchett, of the Discworld series;(David Jason) – from the movie The Color of Magic (2008) (mentioned only)
Scarecrow / Crane, Jonathan (Ted Knight) – The Batman/Superman Hour (1968), (Don Messick) – from the cartoon Challenge of the Super-Friends (1978), (Andre Stojka) – The Super Powers Team: Galactic Guardians (1985), from DC Comics World's Finest #3 (1941)
Shredder (voiced by James Avery) – from the cartoon Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987-1996)
Sinestro / Sinestro, Thaal (voiced by Vic Perrin) – from the cartoon Challenge of the Super-Friends (1978), Super Friends (1983), from DC Comics Green Lantern #7 (1961)
Sisko, Capt. Benjamin (Avery Brooks) – from the TV series Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (1993-1999)
Spock, Ambassador (Leonard Nimoy) – from the TV series Star Trek (1966-1969)
Stewart, Juliet (Jeri Ryan) – from the TV series Dark Skies (1997)
Teller, Marshall (Omri Katz) – from the TV series Eerie, Indiana (1991-1992) (mentioned only)
Thing (Ted Cassidy) – from the TV series The Addams Family (1964-1966)
Vincent, David (Roy Thinnes) – from the TV series The Invaders (1967-1968)
Wildman, Naomi (Scarlett Pomers) – from the TV series Star Trek: Voyager (1998-2001) (mentioned only)