Hunched over on his knees with quaking hands, pale knuckles, and lips peeled back was Todoroki. His knees scraped against the thin grooves of cold, rough tiles, and like the droplets of water splitting from the nearby faucet and clinging to the white bowl below, Todoroki's tears snaked down his twitching cheeks in subtle zigzags, flattening out on the humanoid shadow that was splattered across the floor. The harsh white light pouring from the circular inclines in the ceiling reflected across the tiles and bathed Todoroki in a shower of undying light rather than water.
Abruptly, a soft gasp through the teeth cut the air that reeked of bleach and rotting acid. Todoroki coiled his fingers around the cold, sleek toilet bowl until his knuckles wept intangible white tears. He crinkled up his countenance like a piece of paper, and as his body lurched forward and stiffened, he threw up the sound of gagging rather than anything in his sore, growling stomach.
Every single day, I've cried until I've vomited, Todoroki thought to himself as his chest heaved and his panting suffused the bathroom. I've cried until I'm completely empty. I've cried until my voice is gone. I've never cried like this before. I didn't think…that sadness would ever consume me like this. I was numb. But Katsuki couldn't stand to see me like that anymore. He got me help. I got better. I thought I was healed. I thought…things couldn't get any better. His chest spasmed with a fierce twinge of pain, but he lifted his head and shakily inhaled. Just when I started leaving my chains of depression behind, Life took you from me. It never had to end this way… It never had to happen… It never should've happened… One wrong move, and…
I panicked. I didn't want to hit the dog. And then…I gained consciousness, pretty much unharmed. I looked over…and you weren't breathing. You were slumped over, your head was bleeding, and shards of glass glistened in your lap. I wasn't even intoxicated. All we did…was go out for dinner, and just like that…you were gone. Todoroki pulled himself up to his quaking knees and flushed away everything he'd vomited up eight minutes prior. Just like that…I wish I could revert back to being numb. Just like that…everything I worked for shattered in front of me. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't escape. I try to sleep, and my memories of you laugh at me until I break. I try to eat, and I throw it all up because I can't hold it down. I try to escape, and Reality beats the shit out of me when I come back. He staggered to the sink with ponderous steps and flicked on the tap.
Everyone is worried about me. Mom calls me every day, but I hardly ever have the energy to answer. I get text messages and emails from other friends and family, but it's the same story there. He ran his skeleton-like hands under the frigid stream of water and scrubbed a hard, slick bar of mint-scented soap between his dripping digits. I tell everyone I'm fine. That I'm getting better. That I'll be okay. I say it with a fake smile. I type it with fake sincerity. I say it with fake reassurance. You surely hate me for this, Katsuki. You always told me my biggest flaw was lying about how I'm feeling. As the rainbow-tinged, white domes of soap were swallowed up by the silver drain, Todoroki patted his hands on the soft white towel dangling from a bamboo ring on the wall. I'm sorry… No matter what I've done to try and be more open about my feelings, I can't do it. I never even told you, my very own husband… Todoroki plucked the gleaming razor blade he left beside the sink and folded it into his fingers. I never told you I've been cutting myself.
I started when I was a teenager, and then I stopped for a few years. I started again when I was emotionally numb. It's stuck with me ever since. I've always cut my upper thighs, but… A jagged surge of pain wriggled through Todoroki's chest as he lowered the blade to his wrist. I can't help myself. Even if it's just for a moment, I want the pain, the numbness, and the rush of adrenaline to overpower everything else. With a grimace, he slashed the blade over his wrist. But I'm not giving up… I know there's an end to this agony. It hurts so much that I wish I could disappear from this all, but I don't want to die. The blade began to feverishly slice through Todoroki's flesh, but his blinking, breathing eyes could not see. I just…want to numb the pain, no matter the price. I want to feel something that isn't pain, sorrow, and emptiness. I want to be reminded that I'll bleed because I'm human. The razor blade dipped in crimson that was pinched between Todoroki's trembling fingers suddenly slipped from his grasp and clattered across the floor; small drops of scarlet mottled the glossy tiles.
I'm so lightheaded. I feel nauseous and dizzy. I can't see. The world is flickering and shaking. I can't breathe. But I didn't cut that much… He glimpsed at his wrist, but much to his hazy, blinding stupefaction, rivulets of scarlet were gushing from his wrist and splattering across the floor like an abstract painting. Shit. I've never cut this deep or this much. Shit. The blades go so deep. I know all too well…and yet… His knees caved in, and his body faltered to the floor with a thud. Not like this… Not like this… No. No, no, no… This isn't the end… It's going white. What's happening? I'm terrified. I can't hear. My body won't move. Move… Get up. I wanted this feeling of desperation, but not like this. I could've handled this before. I can't keep my eyes open. What's going on? I can't move my hands. I can't see the floor. I can't lift my head. I can't move my lips. I can't scream, but even if I did, no one would hear me. I can't call anyone to save me. It's…fading. I'm going to die…
I'm going to die.
One cut, and I couldn't stop cutting. One urge I couldn't resist, and I relapsed into this hell again. One word I didn't say, and I'm bleeding out on the floor. One lie, and I can only beat myself up for never getting to tell them the truth. One glass too many, and I'm addicted. One memory too difficult, and I'm throwing up alone in our two-person bathroom again. 'One more minute of rest,' and all day and all night, I'll be lying next to the empty space on our bed where you're supposed to be. One habit I can't kill, and I'm sobbing next to two uneaten plates of food. One wrong decision, and I'm wishing I'd died instead. One wrong move, and my husband is dead.
One wrong move, and here I am with my husband, looking at this pitiful movie that never needed to end the way that it did.