I do not own anything in these stories. All rights go to the creator Chris Savino and the current showrunner, Michael Rubiner, plus This story is a parody of a Simpsons Season 1 episode "Bart the Genius." The rights of that show go to the creator, Matt Groening and developer James L. Brooks.
It was the night of Sunday, April 6, 1986 with Lily stacking five blocks on top of one another forming "E-M-C-S-Q-U".
"E = mc2!" Lily said as she knocks the five blocks down to the ground, causing one of the scrabble letters to fall onto the floor. Lincoln picks up the block. The family is seen playing a game of "Scrabble."
"Come on, Mom," Luan complained.
"Yeah, Mom. Please hurry up," Lisa complained.
"Yeah, Mama, we've been waiting for five total minutes! Please hurry!" Lincoln complained.
"All right. Just chill. Mmm. How about..." Rita said as she placed an "E" to make the word "He", "Two points. Your turn, dear."
"Hmmm... I wonder how anyone could make a word from these insane lousy letters?" Lynn Sr. said as his tiles spell O-X-I-D-I-Z-E, "Oh wait! I got a good one! Do," but he places a 'D' to make the word "DO" instead.
Lincoln then places an 'I' to make the word "Id. Triple word score."
"Hey, No need for abbreviations," Lynn Sr. said.
"Not I.D., Dad, "Id!" It's a word just like Lincoln said," Lori explained.
"As in, "This game is totally stup-id," Lisa said.
"Lisa, shut your damn mouth," Leni said.
"Yeah, sis. You're supposed to be developing verbal abilities for your big aptitude test in your kindergarten class tomorrow," Luna complained to Lisa.
"Of course I've been developing verbal abilities, jerks!" Lisa said, "I know the whole premise about it!"
"Well, we could look this "id" thing up in the dictionary," Rita said.
Lynn Sr. asked, "Wait, we got one?"
"I think it's inside one of the tables out in the living room," Rita replied before Lynn Sr. heads to the living room and grabs the dictionary out of one of the table and heads back to the table.
By the time Lynn Sr. sat down, Lori grabs the book out of his hands and flips on over to the I section and she then points her finger to the word "id" and started reading, "Id: Along with the ego and the superego... one of three components of the psyche."
"Wow, Mom, you sure know a lot," Lincoln said.
"Like I say it, Lincoln. It got it all figured out in our brains," Lori said happily to Lincoln.
"Dude, will you just shut up and let us continue our game," Leni complained.
"Yeah, get out of here and let us finish," Lynn Sr. said as he begins eating a banana.
"All right, Now it's my turn. "Kwyjibo," Lisa said as she places all her letters on the board while she spells the word, "K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters. Game's over. I'm outta here."
But Lynn Sr. grabs Lisa by the right arm and says, "Wait a minute, you little cheating scientist. You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a "kwyjibo" is."
"Kwyjibo." Uh..." Lisa started explaining as she looks at Lynn Sr. glaring at her, still eating a banana, "A big, dumb, spineless North American ape with no chin," Lynn Sr. then gets really angry at Lisa by this statement.
"And a short temper," Lincoln explained.
"I'll show you a BIG DUMB SPINELESS APE!" Lynn Sr. shouted.
"Uh-oh! KWYJIBO ON THE LOOSE!" Lisa screamed as Lynn Sr. chases after Lisa out of the room in a fit of rage and running over the table in the process.
"Wow! That girl really needs a lot of practicing to do," Lori said in shock.
Monday, April 7, 1986
The following day at Royal Woods Elementary-Middle (K-8) School where children are getting off the buses. In the playground, most children are playing kickball, shooting marbles, and jumping ropes.
"We come from Royal Woods and we sell swampland," one of the school girls said as Lisa is graffitiing an image of Lynn on the wall and the shot changes to Principal Huggins.
"You there," Principal Huggins said pointing to a pupil, "No chewing gum on school grounds. In the trash can with it."
Lisa finishes writing "Lynn is a Weiner" next to her image of Lynn, Shot changes to Principal Huggins again. Lana walks up to him and said, "Excuse me, Principal Huggins? One of my fellow younger sisters is vandalizing school property."
"Oh, what? Where?" Principal Huggins asked.
Shot changes to Lisa and her sisters and some of her friends, including Lincoln next to the vandalism as Lana then points to Lisa, "Over there, sir. See?"
"Lisa! You better throw that spray can away before the principal sees you with it!" Lincoln informed Lisa.
"Yikes!" Lisa screamed as she chucks the spray can into the trash can. Principal Huggins looks at the can.
"Hmmm... all right! Whoever did this is in serious trouble," Principal Huggins explained.
"And a sloppy seller, too. The preferred spelling of "wiener" is W-I-E-N-E-R," Lucy explained, "Although E-I is an acceptable ethnic variant."
"Good point. Kids, let's see your hands," Principal Huggins as he checks the hands of Lisa's older sisters and several others, including Lincoln, Darcy, Skippy and Rocky. He turns to Lisa, "Little Miss "Genius"?"
Lisa shows him that her hands are covered in red paint, which were the color in the paint can.
"You might say, you caught her red-handed," Darcy said.
"I have to agree, Darcy. I have got a big school day ahead of me and I'm not going to let Lisa vandalize my day," Lincoln said, "Because if she does, I feel like my mother is going to report it like she did with your dangerous experiments."
"Agreed. There's nothing worse than a single school vandalization that looks like there was blood smeared all over the brick wall," Lucy said.
"Lisa Loud, you and I are going to have a talk," Principal Huggins said.
"Same time, same place, Principal?" Lisa asked scared.
"Yes, Lisa. In my office after school," Principal Huggins finished.
Lisa gulps before she says, "This won't end well. I feel like my parents are going to be mad at me for this."
Later, the school bell rings. Students walk into Mrs. Shrinivas' Kindergarten class, ready for the aptitude test which is about to start.
"Lisa, I hope you won't bear some sort of simple-minded grudge against your sisters for reporting your miscreant behavior to the principal," Darcy explained, "I was merely trying to fend off the desecration of the school building."
"I cannot talk right now. I have a big aptitude test to take," Lisa said as Darcy walks away and Mrs. Shrinivas addresses the class as she hands test booklets to the students at the front of each row, who pass them back.
"Now I don't want you to worry, class. These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success," Mrs. Shrinivas explained before Darcy raises her hand.
"Yes, Darcy, you had your hand up, would you like to ask a question?" Mrs. Shrinivas said.
"Do you think Lisa should face the window so she won't be tempted to copy someone else's paper?" Darcy asked.
"You're right, Darcy! LISA!" Mrs. Shrinivas demanded as Lisa moves her desk.
"Don't worry, Mrs. Shrinivas. I'm perfectly safe here," Lisa commented.
"Remember to visualize the complex problems," Mrs. Shrinivas explained, "And relax... The test will start... now!
Everyone starts working on their IQ test. Lisa however looks boredly at her paper and then around the room and mutters the first question to herself.
"At 7:30am, an express train travelling 60 miles per hour, leaves Santa Fe down to Phoenix," Lisa said to herself as she chews on her pencil," 520 miles aw..."
"Shh! Visualize, Lisa," Mrs. Shrinivas said to Lisa as she starts to daydream the problem in black and white.
"At the same time a local train travelling 30 miles an hour and carrying 40 passengers leaves Phoenix bound for Santa Fe. It's 8 cars long and always carries the same number of passengers in each cart," Lisa said to herself as she does the sum "40 รท 8" in her head, which equals 5, "An hour later, the number of passengers equal to half the number of minutes past the hour get off, but 3 times as many plus 6 get on," but Lisa is knocked over by a passenger, "At the second stop, half the passengers plus two get off, but twice as many get on as got on at the first stop," but Lisa is knocked over again, spits a number out her mouth, stand up. A train conductor taps her head from behind.
"Ticket, please," The conductor demanded.
"I don't have a ticket!" Lisa explained.
"Come with me, young lady," the conductor said as he drags Lisa off, "We've got a stowaway, ma'am."
"I'll pay! How much?" Lisa asked but there is a train engineer who resembles Darcy, shoveling numbers into the engine.
"Twice the fare from Tucson to Flagstaff minus two thirds of the fare Albuquerque to El Paso!" Darcy said as she laughs demonically.
Lisa looks out the side window and sees a sign: Santa Fe XX Miles, "Oh, dear god. I hope this is all just a dream!" Lisa said in fear as Principal Huggins is just finishing blacking out the number with red spray paint and laughs demonically at the so-called-genius sister. Lisa looks back inside the cab and sees that she is alone before she hears a train whistle. Looking out the front window, she sees the train from Santa Fe bearing down rapidly as her eyes bug out when the whistle becomes louder, "YAAAAAHHH!" The trains smash into each other with an enormous CRASH!, and the scene suddenly cuts back to the classroom. Lisa has fallen straight back in her chair and is lying in it, arms straight out from her sides.
"Lisa, there are students in this class with a chance to do well. Will you quit bothering them at once?" Mrs. Shrinivas said to Lisa.
"She's not bothering me, Mrs. Shrinivas," Darcy commented, "I'm finished by the way. May I go outside and read under a tree?"
"Certainly, Darcy," Mrs. Shrinivas replied.
As Lisa gets back up, Darcy puts her paper on the corner of Mrs. Shrinivas' desk, within arm's length of Lisa, and leaves. Meanwhile, Lisa Loud looks out the window and sees Darcy thumbing her nose and sticking her tongue out at her. An ugly-face duel ensues.
"What are you looking at, Lisa? Oh, are those pesky dogs being naughty again?" Mrs. Shrinivas asked.
"I'm afraid so, Mrs. Shrinivas," Lisa said as Mrs. Shrinivas goes to the window, she looks around for pesky dogs. Darcy, however has returned to reading under the tree. With lightning speed, Lisa snatches Darcy's paper off the teacher's desk, erases Darcy's name from the top, writes in his own and puts in his own, and puts the paper back. Mrs. Shrinivas sits back down.
You have exactly twenty minutes, class," Mrs. Shrinivas said as Lisa erases her own name from the test paper and writes in Darcy's. She grins, humming a happy tune, begins to fill in her answer sheet quickly and haphazardly.
Later that day, Lynn Sr. and Rita are walking across the school playground.
"You know, she's a genius girl, and she's getting better, and sometimes even the best sheep stray from the flock and need to be hugged extra hard," Rita said.
"That's exactly the kind of crapola that's lousing some of our kids up, Rita," Lynn Sr. said before they notice the picture of Lynn on the wall, "Hey, look at this. "I am a wiener," chuckles, "Yeah, probably as much as the principal of this school.
Later, in the office, Principal Huggins is at his desk. Lisa sits opposite him, feet dangling nervously with Lori, Lincoln and Lily all sitting with Lisa.
"Mr. and Mrs. Loud are here," the secretary said over the intercom.
"Send them in," Principal Huggins said.
Lisa gulps and cringes as Lynn Sr. and Rita arrive.
"Hello, Principal Huggins," Rita greeted the principal.
"What did you do this time, young lady?" Lynn Sr. said sternly to Lisa.
"Please, it was only an accident," Lisa informed.
"Lisa, do you have any idea what you just did?" Lincoln said angrily.
"Guys, please, I'll confess," Lisa said in fear.
"You better, Lisa! Be lucky that you're the only one aside from Lily who is still in diapers, young girl!" Lori said sternly to Lisa.
"I caught your daughter Lisa defacing school property this morning," Principal Huggins said, "We estimate the damage at $75 and frankly, we think it's terribly unfair that tax payers should flip the bill."
"Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you going to do?" Lynn Sr. asked.
"Dad, you and Mom both need to pay the principal for the damage!" Lori said sternly to her parents.
"Oh jeez. He can't mean that," Lynn Sr. said nervously.
"Well, he does!" Lori said angrily.
"Wait here, Lori! Lori thinks that you want me and my husband to pay for it," Rita said.
"That was the idea," Principal Huggins agreed.
"Oh, all right then," Lynn Sr. said as he and Rita, along with Lori, Lincoln and Lily all glare at Lisa, he takes out a check and starts writing in it. The principal walks over to the file cabinet.
"By itself, something like this might not call for an extreme penalty..." The principal opens up the file cabinet. Behind many thin files with many names on them is a not so thin one marked "LOUD, LISA." Huggins takes it out and puts it on his desk, and begins going through it, "...but this is not an isolated incident. Lisa's behavior is just over the top, unruly and way too much like a stereotypical super genius for a school like this. She was often reported for doing many dangerous experiments both at home and at school many times..." The principal takes a letter out of the file reading "Please report Lisa Loud. She was doing another dangerous experiment in class again and it injured Lincoln and he had to be sent to the nurse. Lisa needs to be punished for this. Signed, Lori Loud." It was written in fancy French-style writing.
"How was she reported all those times?!" Rita asked nervously.
"Apparently, all those reports on Lisa's dangerous chemistry came out of nowhere from your oldest daughter, Lori Marie Loud, the mother of Lincoln and Lily, while she was visiting the school each time," Principal Huggins said before Lynn Sr. and Rita gasp and look at Lori who looked at them with a disappointed and angry look on her face.
"Lori, is this all true?" Rita said in shock.
"You better believe it is, Mom! These are such pathetic excuses for letting your kids do a bunch of dangerous acts in the house and letting my kids shoulder the blame most of the time!" Lori said angrily to Lynn Sr. and Rita, "You two ought to be ashamed of yourselves! You need to start disciplining them better! Because if you don't... there's going to be a lot of problems!"
The parents hang their heads in shame as Lynn Sr. turns back towards the principal. Meanwhile, the principal looks at the check for seventy-five dollars Lynn Sr. has just given him. It is filled out in cursive writing.
"At any rate, it is my reluctant decision that..." Principal Huggins said before the intercom buzzes, interrupting him.
"Mr. Huggins, Doctor Pryor is here to see you. He says it's very urgent," the secretary said on the intercom.
"Send him in right away," Principal Huggins said to the secretary. The district psychiatrist is Dr. J. Loren Pryor, a large man with long thinning grey hair and a beard, he enters the office, "Mr. and Mrs. Loud, this is our district psychiatrist, Dr. J. Loren Pryor."
"Hey, Dr. J," Lynn Sr. greeted.
"Apparently, I have some very exciting news for all of us," Dr. Pryor said, "The aptitude test we administered this morning has revealed that young Lisa here is what we call a "gifted child."
"Gifted... child?" Rita asked in shock.
"You mean that..." Lynn Sr. said in shock.
"Your daughter, Lisa, is a genius, Mr. and Mrs. Loud," Dr. Pryor said.
"WHAT?!" Lori said in shock.
"That so-called genius?" Lincoln said in fear.
"Impossible!" Principal Huggins said.
"well, we're quite certain. The child isn't supposed to know her own IQ, but you can see it is beyond the range of any doubt," Dr. Pryor said as he writes the IQ number on a piece of paper and gives it to Lynn Sr.
"Two hundred and sixteen? Wow. That's amazing for kindergarten levels," Lynn Sr. said with excitement.
"That's pretty high," Dr. Pryor said as he takes a pail of calipers out of his jacket pocket and measures the width and height of Lisa's head. He then takes out a notebook and writes down the figures, "So tell me, Lisa, are you ever bored in class?"
"No, doctor. I seem to be an expert at making chemicals," Lisa explained.
"Do you ever feel a little frustrated?" Dr. Pryor asked her.
"It's like you are reading my mind for some of my important memories and my latest experiments in science," Lisa explained.
"You see, when a child with Lisa's intellect is forced to slow down to the pace of a normal person, he is probably going to lash out in ways..." Dr. Pryor said to Lynn Sr., Rita, Lori, Lincoln and Lily as he picks up Lisa's files, "...like these."
"I think we should re-test her," Principal Huggins said to Dr. Pryor.
"No, I think we should move her to another school," Dr. Pryor said.
"Ooh. Better yet," Principal Huggins got the idea.
"Lisa, we'd like you to try a kind of school that does not rely on grades, and rules, and bells, and buzzers," Dr. Pryor explained as Lisa smiles upon that statement, "A school without walls. Where you do as much or as little of the assignment as you feel you need to. Sound good to you, Loud?"
"SIGN ME UP, DOC!" Lisa said with full excitement and joy.
Excellent. We're all set then," Dr. Pryor said as he hands Lynn Sr. and Rita the information, "Here's all the information you need. Show up around nine-ish. Rita and Lynn Sr., congratulations once again," He shakes Rita and Lynn Sr.'s hands before he turns to Lori, "And Lori?"
"Yeah, Doctor J?" Lori asked him.
"Congratulations on raising Lincoln and Lily Loud," Dr. Pryor congratulated Lori as he shakes her hand, "We've seen that you have already taken in Lincoln and Lily as your son and daughter... and you're their mother."
"Uh-huh. Yes, I am," Lori agreed.
"And we're glad to see that you're the only one aside from Luna who actually treats them well," Dr. Pryor explained.
"Yep, I'm proud to be a mother of two Louds now. They're picture-perfect children to me," Lori said happily.
"I think we're all in a great big mood to celebrate," Principal Huggins said happily as Lynn Sr., Rita and Lisa get up to leave, but Lori, Lincoln and Lily remain in the office for a few moments.
"Wow, I never thought Lisa was a genius until now," Lynn Sr. replied.
"Well, let's get that gifted school ready for you, girl," Rita said to Lisa.
Meanwhile, Lori begins to confess to Dr. Pryor as Lincoln scratches himself in the hair, "Wait, Doctor, this is all too much for those parents. I mean, their daughter Lisa a genius... how does it even happen?"
"Well, genius-level intelligence is usually the result of heredity and environment..." Dr. Pryor explained, "...although in some cases, it's a total mystery, "Lori becomes confused at that statement and the same goes for her kids, Lincoln and Lily. Outside the waiting room, Lynn Sr. Rita, Lori, Lincoln, Lisa and Lily all exit the office with Dr. Pryor, "So long, folks! Take good care of that brilliant girl for me! And Lori, keep up the good work on raising both Lincoln and Lily!
"Okay, I will, bye," Lori said as they all leave the school. Later, they are in Vanzilla, "Oh my, I could not believe this. Lisa going to a gifted school?"
"I couldn't believe it either, Mom," Lincoln said nervously.
"Poo..." Lily said nervously.
"Relax, fellas, Lisa's a genius. You'll all get used to it," Lynn Sr. replied.
Lori and her kids Lincoln and Lily look at each other with nervous looks, "This probably won't go well."
Tuesday, April 8, 1986
Inside the kitchen, the Loud Family is finishing their breakfast. Lisa is eating some Frosted Flakes wearing a new green sweater and some new burgundy khakis. Rita is combing her hair parting it in the middle while Lynn Sr. was on the phone. Lori, Lincoln and Lily were eating waffles together for breakfast and Leni was talking to Chaz on her phone.
"Hi, Ted. Lynn Loud Sr. here, calling at 8:30 on Wednesday morning," Lynn Sr. called on the phone, "Just calling to let you know that my daughter Lisa is truly a genius. I'll call you again later," he hangs up and checks Ted's name off on a long list. Back in the kitchen...
"Hey, mother, I have to confess..." Lisa said nervously.
"You look very intelligent, Lis," Rita said sweetly to Lisa.
"Well, way too intelligent for my likings," Lisa said as she musses her hair up a bit so that it brings it back to its normal shape. Rita then shines her shoes while she continues eating.
Leni is talking to Chaz on her phone, "Oh Chas, I'm feeling so pumped for my latest aerobic workout. Of course, I save it for my P.E. class each day while I'm at school and I'm not letting my other sisters interrupt my workout in my aerobic dancing. Just wait until Dana sees me at P.E. later today."
Lynn Sr. approaches Lisa with a tie in his hand, "How about a small tie for ya, girl? Everybody know, young geniuses like you wear ties.
"Your stifling my creativity," Lisa said with her mouth full.
"Whoops," Lynn Sr. said nervously.
"Sorry about that. This is a big day for you by the way, Lisa," Rita said, "Why don't you eat something a little more nutritious like Lori and her kids are."
"Don't interfere, mother. My kids and I have all the company we need by ourselves," Lori replied.
"No need to worry, dear. These Frosted Flakes are what got Lisa where she is today," Lynn Sr. said bravely as he picks up the box and reads the label, "It could be one of these chemicals here that makes Lisa so smart. Kids, maybe you should try some of this.
"Lynn, honey..." Rita said nervously.
"I'm just saying, why not have another genius in the family alongside Leni and Lori?" Lynn Sr. explained, "Sort of a spare in case Lisa's brain blows up."
"Hmmm, I have no idea what is up with Lisa today, bros," Luna explained.
"Yeah, I have no idea it would raise her "IQ"," Luan said to Luna.
"I don't care what that damn test says, Lisa, you're a dimwit," Leni said to Lisa.
"Maybe so, but from this day forward, this dimwit right here is on Easy Street making some big experiments," Lisa said and Lori agreed but Leni shrugs as they exit the table. Meanwhile, inside Vanzilla, Lynn Sr. and Rita are driving Lisa to school and Lisa was sitting in the back with her feet up, "Hey, no rush. Take the scenic route."
"Hey, Lisa. We want you to be the best genius at the school," Rita informed, "When they tell you to be creative, we want you to create like all get-out until they tell you to stop being creative and when they tell..."
"Quiet, please. I'm trying to pursue," Lisa said.
"Very well, pursue away," Rita answered.
Later they pull up to a very special place known as "Royal Woods Enriched Learning Center for Gifted Children." Lynn Sr., Rita and Lisa get out of the van and head inside the building and down the hallway, they soon come across a room labeled with a sign "Learning Center - Kindergarten & First Grade. As they look into the door, they find that most of the kids have glasses on along with ties.
"Ties? How is it possible?" Lisa asked.
"Don't worry, kiddo. You can have my tie. Here, let us show you how to put on a tie," Lynn Sr. replied as he takes his tie off, and it is revealed to be a clip on and he attaches it to Lisa's green sweater, "The hook goes over the top and these ends go in there."
"Thanks," Lisa replied as without thinking, Lynn Sr. and Rita both kiss Lisa. They stand there looking at Lisa, "You both kissed me."
"There's nothing wrong with either of us kissing you, girl," Rita said.
"Now, go on, girl, and pay attention, because if you do, one day, you may achieve something that we Louds have dreamed about for years," Lynn Sr. explained.
"You might be able to outsmart someone," Rita said as they both pat Lisa on the head and Lisa enters the classroom. Through the glass section of the door, Lisa, Lynn Sr. and Rita exchange a final wave and Lisa then turns and faces the classroom. It is large and light with plenty of space for the dozen, or so students, who are still milling about the room, talking in groups. The teacher spots Lisa. She is young and pretty like Mrs. Shrinivas but better.
"You must be Lisa Loud," the teacher said.
"Yes, teacher. I am the genius of the nine daughters of my family," Lisa explained.
"Well, that's quite great. By the way, I'm Ms. Melon (pronounced Me-Lan), your learning coordinator," Ms. Melon said as she walks Lisa around the room as she talks. The room is full of the students' artwork, all of it being impressive. Graceful vases are around the pottery wheel. Large abstract murals and cubist paintings are on the walls, "Let's start by saying right at the start that we have one rule here: make your own rules. If you feel sleepy, take a nap. If you get bored, feel free to take out a book and start reading?"
"Like what, Senorita Melon?" Lisa asked.
"Why, anything you want, Lisa," Ms. Melon replied.
Lisa Loud searches the bookcase and sees such titles as "Crime and Punishment," "Paradise Lost," "The Aeneid," and "Dante's Inferno." Suddenly, her view zooms in on a "Transformers" comic book, "Transformers. Interesting," Lisa said as she picks it up and begins to look through it, but Ms. Melon takes it from her.
"A comic book? How did this get mixed in here?" Ms. Melon said in surprise as she folds it in half like a hot dog, "We used it as a prop in a film about literacy we made last week," she tosses the comic book into the trash can and leads Lisa to a clutter of desks. Two boys, Sidney and Ethan and a girl, Cecile are sitting at the desks. The girl is watching two cages, each containing a hamster. The boys are looking at a computer on one of the desks, "Lisa Loud, these are the student who will share your work area. This is Ethan Foley."
"O Memsahee, Lisa. As eel has memo," Ethan greeted Lisa.
"Ethan's very good with palindromes, you know, sentences spelled the same backwards and forwards, though I believe he had to spell "Oh" without the "h" for that one," Ms. Melon said, "This, here is Sidney Swift."
"Doul a seal gninorm doog," Sidney said as he shook hands with Lisa.
"Excuse me, what was that?" Lisa asked.
"Oh, don't mind Sidney. He's just speaking in backwards phynetics today," Ms. Melon said as she wrote on the board, "He said "Good morning, Lisa Loud. And this is Cecile Shapiro."
"Hi, Loud," Cecile greeted Lisa as she notices her hamsters.
"Cool, hamsters!" Lisa said as she taps on the cage, "What are the names?"
"Hamster #1 has been infected with a staphylococci virus," Cecile explained, "Hamster #2 is the control hamster."
"Hello, little control hamster," Lisa greeted.
Ms. Melon is back at the front of the classroom, "I wouldn't get too attached to him, Lisa. We're dissecting him next week. Discover your desks people," Ms. Melon demanded as the students sit down including Lisa Loud, "Now, let's all welcome the newest member of our collective experience, Lisa Loud," The kids then AD-LIB "Hello's", "And now we can continue our debate from yesterday. When left off, Calvin and Tanya were arguing that free will is an illusion."
"If you ask me, humankind has freedom. A freedom fought with paradoxes. Fraud shows how childhood shapes our sub-conscious mind, but this in turn helps us to think for ourselves," Ian explained as Lisa follows the discussion quietly.
"Very good, Ian. Does anyone else have an example of a paradox?" Ms. Melon asked and they all raise their hands.
"Without law and order, man has no freedom," Ethan explained.
"If you want peace, you must be there for war," Cecile explained.
"Well, I guess the smartest child is also the quietest," Ms. Melon said, "Lisa, what other paradoxes affect our lives?"
Lisa thinks nervously for a few moments but then decides to give one out, "Well... you're damned if you do... and you're damned if you don't!"
All right... I guess that would be a paradox, too," Ms. Melon said with surprise, "Thank you, Lisa.
"You're welcome," Lisa replied in a monotone voice.
Later, in the afternoon, the gifted students are eating in a small dining hall. At one table, a group of students are eating sushi with chopsticks, one of them has a "Transformers" lunch box. At another table, Calvin takes a thermos bottle out of his "Michael Jackson" lunchbox and opens it. Lisa is sitting with Cecile, Sidney, Ethan, Ian and Calvin. She takes her ham and cheese sub sandwich out of her "Scooby-Doo" lunchbox.
"Tell you what, Little Miss Loud. I'll trade you the weight of a bowling ball on the eighth moon of Jupiter from my lunch for weight of a feather on the second moon of Neptune from your Lunch," Calvin asked.
"Okay, student unit," Lisa replied as Calvin takes her sandwich and gives her back Calvin's remaining mini-burger.
"There you go," Calvin said as the others laugh.
"I will trade you 1 milliliter of my milk for thirty gills of yours," Sidney explained.
"Go right ahead," Lisa said as Sidney takes Lisa's milk carton and pours half of it into her plastic cup.
"Anything you say," Sidney said as all but Lisa laugh.
"Lisa, will you wager your cupcake against..." Ian replied.
"Just save your breath," Lisa said as she hands him the cupcake and wanders off dejectedly while eating the mini-burger in her hand.
"What do you think of this new one?" Ethan asked his friends.
"A rather unfitting genius," Ian answered.
"Yes, not very bright at all," Calvin agreed.
Later that evening, Lisa was in her bedroom with Luna who was changing her diaper.
Lynn Sr. then came into the bedroom and asked Lisa, "So, how was your first day at gifted school, Lisa?" while Luna undid the straps on both sides of the used diaper before she removed it and rolled it up and places it aside from the fresh diaper, wipes and powder.
"Os-os," Lisa said.
"What?" Lynn Sr. said in confusion.
"That's backwards for so-so," Lisa said as Luna wiped her good and clean.
"What have you been doing lately?" Your usual science experiments?" Lynn Sr. asked as Luna took a fresh diaper and opened it up and placed it under Lisa's legs.
"Nah, I was just reading some comic books to cool my brain," Lisa responded as Luna powdered her.
"Oh, guess you don't want to overheat the old noggin you got, eh?" Lynn Sr. asked as he pats Lisa's head.
"No, I guess not," Lisa said as Luna finished putting a fresh new diaper on Lisa.
"Tell you what. To celebrate your first day of genius school... what do you say we go out for a round of mini-golf, pizza with the works, and some frosty chocolate milkshakes?" Lynn Sr. asked as Luna put the pants back on Lisa.
"All righty!" Lisa said with excitement before Rita, Lori, Lincoln and Lily all entered.
"Hey, uh, Lisa Loud, I feel so bad for going so many years without... mmm, hmm... Lincoln, what's that word where you encourage something to grow?" Rita asked.
"Nurturing," Lincoln replied.
"Nurturing your brilliant brain... Thanks, Lincoln, so I got tickets to the opera tonight," Rita explained, "Hurry up. Get dressed. It starts at 8:00."
"Oh please, mother, not tonight," Lisa denied sadly.
"Lisa, your mother's only trying to help," Lori said, "So go ahead and enjoy the show with us."
"Lynn, honey. I think you should come along, too," Rita said.
"All right. But I'll make sure not to cause trouble," Lynn Sr. said nervously.
Later at the Royal Woods Theatre, Lynn Sr., Rita, Lori, Lincoln, Lisa and Lily in their formal attire arrive. The scene then cuts to the opera in progress on the stage and shows the performers singing. We then see part of the family sitting in a box.
"Hey, Lori, Lincoln, keep an eye out for the guy with the peanuts," Lisa informed.
"Lisa, there's nobody with peanuts," Lori said sternly.
"Hmmm. No drinks... no opera dogs..." Lynn Sr. said in a monotone voice.
"I know this is rough but don't worry, it will be all right," Rita said softly to Lynn Sr., "I've left Leni in charge of the rest of the children since she's knowing how to keep the kids under control. Now keep your mouth shut. It's about to start.
The orchestra plays "The March of the Toreadors." The man on stage sings along.
"Toreador, oh, don't spit on the floor, Please use the cuspidor, That's what it's for" Lisa sang as she, Lynn Sr. and Rita all giggle but Lori and Lily pretty angry with them.
"Lisa, quit fooling around! Mom, Dad, please stop encouraging her!" Lori said angrily at her parents.
"Yeah, Mom and I can't have any enjoyment with you guys ruining our peaceful time at the opera!" Lincoln said angrily.
"Poo!" Lily agreed with Lincoln.
"Guys, don't stifle the genius," Lynn Sr. responded, "Rita and I are supposed to encourage her."
They listen for a few more seconds, Lynn Sr. starts fake snoring, and Lisa and Rita join. The three start giggling again. Lori and her kids Lincoln and Lily become even more irritated by this.
"Will you all cut it out?!" Lori shouted at them quietly.
Meanwhile, the bull fighter comes on stage.
"Hey, who's the lard butt?" Lynn Sr. asked.
"He must be the bull fighter," Lincoln explained.
"There's no way the bull is gonna miss a big target," Lisa explained.
"Lisa!" Lori shouted at Lisa as she, Lynn Sr. and Rita stop, then look at each other and starts laughing again. Lori, Lily and Lincoln start groaning and bury their faces in their hands.
Meanwhile, Darcy and her parents are in different seats down below watching the opera. Mr. Homendollar looks around and looks behind them, "Who are those people?" he replied.
On the stage, there is a fat woman singing a solo, back in the box, everyone but Lincoln and Lori are still having a great time. Lincoln is really beginning to feel unhappy and Lori was very irritated and annoyed by their family's actions in public.
"P.U. When is this thing over?" Lynn Sr. asked.
"It ain't over, even when the fat lady sings," Lisa explained.
"Isn't that one fat enough for us, Rita?" Lynn Sr. asked.
"Oh, she's a wide load all right," Rita said as the three then laugh together. Lori really gets so angry and Lily becomes annoyed.
"Good god, those Louds!" Lori complained quietly but Lincoln manages to calm her down and succeeds, "Thanks, Lincoln. I don't think Lily and I can take much more of their nonsense," Lori said softly to Lincoln.
"Me either, Mom," Lincoln said," I don't think I can get through one special night with those Louds ruining everything."
"Come on, kids. Let's go get something to eat," Lori said as she and her son Lincoln and daughter Lily get up and start walking out as the opera continues.
Wednesday, April 9, 1986
The following day at the gifted school, Ms. Melon is writing a math equation on the blackboard.
"So, "Y" equals "R" cubed over three. And if you determine the rate of change in this curve correctly... I think you will be pleasantly surprised," Ms. Melon said as tThe kids giggle a bit and are a bit amazed, "Don't you get it, Lisa? Derivative D-Y equals three R squared... D R over three, or R squared D R, o R. Har-dee-har-har. Get it?
"Oh yeah," Lisa said and chuckles for a bit.
Later that afternoon, Lisa, walking home, comes up on the old schoolyard, looks at the corner where she painted the picture of her sister Lynn and sees that the graffiti is now enclosed in a glass case with a title card reading "'Athlete Sister', by Lisa Loud." She is delighted to see her old gang playing marbles, "Oh, yeah. Hi, guys. Great to see ya."
But they were not pleased with Lisa.
"Get lost, Female Dexter," Darcy said angrily.
"Yeah, beat it, Professor," Lewis complained.
"Why don't you go build a rocket ship, Brainiac?" Derek complained as Lisa sighs.
Later that night back at the Loud House, Lisa and Lynn Sr. were having a meal.
"Well, come on, fellas. Don't forget about the film festival," Rita said.
"The what?" Lisa asked.
"Oh, sorry, Lisa. Your mother bought us tickets to a snooty movie... directed by some Swedish meatball," Lynn Sr. explained.
"Aw, no," Lisa said depressingly.
"Well, I guess we don't have to do that," Lynn Sr. said to Lisa.
"Um, look, father. I have got something to tell you," Lisa explained.
"Hey, can it wait?" Lynn Sr. said to Lisa, "It's getting kind of dark. Maybe it would be a perfect time for the us to practice."
Meanwhile out the window, Lynn Sr. and Lisa are out in the backyard, playing catch under the porch light. Lynn Sr. is making a stiff attempt at a pitcher's windup, he doesn't really bend well at the waist and his front leg is straight when he raises it. Lisa is squatting in a catcher's stance. The top of a garbage can is being used as a home plate.
"All right, father. Come on. Right across the plate. Let me feel the wind," Lisa said as a pitch comes into her, still in the catcher's stance, "Whoa! Strike two! Two and two," Lisa tosses the ball back to Lynn Sr. and rests on her knees.
"Can you still see the ball, Lisa?" Lynn Sr. said.
"Don't worry, senior. You're not that fast," Lisa said happily.
"Oh, you don't think so, eh? Well, here comes some real heat," Lynn Sr. said as Lisa gets back up in the catcher's stance. The darkening backyard is shown from a greater distance. In the light from the porch, Lisa and Lynn Sr. are mostly silhouetted. Lynn Sr. throws a pitch.
"Whoa! Yeah, strike three! You're outta there!" Lisa said before they both decide to go back inside.
"So, what was it you wanted to tell me, Lisa?" Lynn Sr. asked Lisa.
"Oh, nothing, father. Just want to rest up for tomorrow," Lisa explained.
"That's what I thought, kiddo," Lynn Sr. as they went inside.
Thursday, April 10, 1986
Back at the gifted school, Science class is now in session. The students are all working together in groups, except for Lisa Loud who is alone at a table. Most of the students have test tubes over Bunsen burners. Another group is dissecting a frog. Ms. Melon carrying a clipboard, goes up to Ian, Cecile and the two other boys. They have a a few test tubes out but are mostly working on paper. The tubes contain liquids or pure red and blue shades.
"We're designing a structure to grow mercury iodide crystals in a zero-gravity environment more efficiently," Ian replied.
"If everything goes according to plan, NASA will include it on a future shuttle flight," Cecile explained.
Ms. Melon moves onto Lisa Loud, who has by far the most humongous and confused set of test tubes, burners, rubber tubing and drip values emptying into Pyrex measuring cups. All of liquid in various tubes and cups is a uniform bright green. Lisa is wearing safety goggles like she normally does.
"I'm still trying to get you a lab partner, Lisa," Ms. Melon explained, "If we don't get any volunteers soon, I'll assign somebody. Say, what's that? It looks dangerous."
"Well, it's a really big top secret experiment I'm working on right now, Ms. Melon. And I seem to be a real expert at these scientific experiments," Lisa explained to Ms. Melon.
"All right, keep going. But you do know what happens when you mix acids and bases, right?" Ms. Melon said.
"Of course I do. Just watch and learn," Lisa said as she pours a drop of acid right into the base liquid. Once it happens, it sets off a big massive chain reaction, with a loud explosion, and then green slime coats up the inside. Back inside the classroom, Lisa is standing at her table surrounded by Ms. Melon and the students. Everything in the room is covered with the green slime, every single square inch. Lisa is both green and singed, "Yep. That is definitely what happens when you mix acids and bases.
Later, Lisa, still green and tattered, is sitting in a chair in front of the desk. The safety goggles are off and replaced with her normal glasses, leaving a flesh colored section around her eyes. Dr. Pryor is behind the desk. On the wall is a large photo of Albert Einstein. Next to it is a large photo of Lisa Loud, the genius sister of the family.
"Now, Lisa, we want to emphasize that nobody's angry about this. We're- We're just concerned," Dr. Pryor explained, "When a young girl with a 216 IQ can't make a simple experiment work... well, it doesn't take a Lisa to figure out that something's wrong. Tell me. Is the class moving too slowly for you?"
"No, sir, it is not moving slowly at all," Lisa responded.
"Well, then, what can we do to make you happy?" Dr. Pryor asked.
"Well, truth is... I just wanna go back to my old class," Lisa said.
"Oh, but, Lisa, don't you remember the boredom... the ennui, the intellectual malaise?" Dr. Pryor explained.
"Yeah, well, you know, kind of, um... but I was thinking I could go undercover," Lisa said.
"Undercover? Lisa, I'm intrigued. Go on," Dr. Pryor said.
"Well, I could pretend I'm a regular actual four-year-old kid," Lisa replied, "You know, to study them and all the stuff they do with each other. You know, see what makes them tick."
"I see. Like Jane Goodall and the chimps," Dr. Pryor commented," I gotta say, this is most impressive, Lisa. You write up your proposal while I talk to Principal Huggins."
"Proposal?" Lisa asked.
"You know, outline your project... what you hope to achieve, what you'll require to do it," Dr. Pryor said.
"Got you, doctor unit," Lisa said as Dr. Pryor exits to talk with Principal Huggins. Lisa takes the paper and pencil from the top of the desk. She thinks for a second and then begins to write down as she thinks to herself, "My Confession' by Lisa Loud." I want to pretend... I am a regular dumb four-year-old kid for once. Period. "By this, I hope that you do know that believe it or not, I'm afraid to say that I cheated on my intelligence test. Period. I really am just a regular four-year-old young childish girl. Period." By the time Dr. Pryor returned, Lisa Loud is finished writing.
"Ah, finished already? Principal Huggins will be very interested to... to..." Dr. Pryor said as he takes the paper from Lisa and reads it, "Oh. You know... you misspelled "confession."
Back at home, later that night, the whole family were together at the couch. Lisa enters, still green and tattered.
"Hey, lookin' good, Lisa," Leni said acting funny and still on the phone.
"Lisa, what happened?" Rita said in shock.
"I had a little accident in chemistry today," Lisa said depressingly.
"Well, I bet it's nothing a little turpentine won't take off. Come on, Lisa," Lynn Sr. said as he gets up from the couch.
"I think I should go with him," Lincoln said as he followed suit.
Later, outside, Lynn Sr. and Lincoln are sponging Lisa down with paint thinner, then hosing her off. Lisa was stripped down to just her diaper.
"Don't be discouraged, kid. I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors... before he invented the lightbulb," Lynn Sr. explained.
"Uh, it was Thomas Edison who invented the light bulb actually," Lisa corrected them.
"Uh, pop..." Lincoln asked Lynn Sr.
"Uh, yeah, kiddo?" Lynn Sr. asked.
"I got to tell you something, Pop, Lisa isn't really a genius," Lincoln explained.
"What? Lincoln, is that true?" Lynn Sr. said in shock.
"I'm afraid he's right," Lisa said depressingly, "I was very afraid to say this, but... I cheated on the intelligence test."
"What?" Lynn Sr. said.
"I'm sorry," Lisa started speaking sympathetically, "But I just want to say, the past few weeks have been great. Me, you and sometimes Lincoln have done stuff together with help from Lori. You've helped me out with things, we're closer than we've ever been. I love you as much as Lincoln, Pops. And I think if something can bring us that close, it can't possibly be bad," but Lincoln and Lynn Sr. turn to each other and nod, agreeing that Lisa did cheat. They then look to Lisa, "Please, just forgive me, father. It was all just a big mistake."
Lynn Sr. then gets really mad as his face clouds over more and more, "Why, you little...!" he shouted as he starts going after Lisa.
"Uh oh!"
Lisa quickly takes off running into the house. Back inside the living room, the other girls were still watching TV except for Lori who went back upstairs to her room. Lisa then streaks around the house in her diaper, leaving a trail of green liquids as Lynn Sr. and Lincoln chase after Lisa, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
"What's going on out there?" Rita asked.
"I think Lisa's being an actual four-year-old for once, Mom," Leni said, still on her phone.
"Ah, Easy come, easy go," Rita said as Lisa's feet are heard pounding up the stairs. Lynn Sr. and Lincoln still streak after Lisa. Lisa runs up to her room and slams it closed. Lynn Sr. heads up to Lisa's door and starts banging on the door.
YOU CAN'T STAY IN THERE FOREVER, YOU SO-CALLED GENIUS!" Lynn Sr. shouted to Lisa banging on the door.
"I can try!" Lisa said as she locked the door.
"MARCH YOUR ASS RIGHT OUT HERE NOW!" Lynn Sr. shouted to Lisa still banging on the door.
"No way, man!" Lisa defied as she got up on her bed in just her puffy diaper.
"BUT..." Lynn Sr. shouted before he stops banging on the door, "So little girl, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better."
Lisa was now on her bed in her puffy diaper reading a comic and drinking a soft drink and said, "Do you really think I'm dumb enough to fall for it? Because I'm insulted! And I'm pretty sure Lincoln will never be smart like me!"
Lynn Sr. was shocked by that statement for a few moments and he snaps and loses his temper and starts pounding and banging on the door. Scene cuts to Lori and Lincoln outside of Lori's room at her door, both looking at the scene. Lori laughs for a bit.
"Well, it looks like Lisa has learned one of the harshest lessons here in the town of Royal Woods. Never swap your test with another person. That classifies as cheating and cheating can get you in big trouble," Lori narrated while Lynn Sr. is banging, pounding and scratching on Lisa's door.