A/N: Hey everyone! We're still under the tough subject matter warning. There's a three tissue alert on this one. I thank you all for being so kind to me even if some of you don't agree with what's happening.

Edward licks to my awesome prereaders, Keye, Sandy, and Aleea, for all their valuable feedback, support, and hilarity.

My betas, wmr1601 and Katmom, are the bestest. Put away the red pens . . . I know it's not a word, LOL. These two would catch it, though! They both rock.

Chapter 19

~Lacrimosa~

What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose.

All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.

~ Helen Keller

"Isabella!"

She sits on the bed, holding her blood streaked hands out in front of her.

Her frightened eyes meet mine, and the tears standing in them spill over in a sudden torrent. "Help me. Please, Edward."

I'm on the bed taking her into my arms even as I pull my cell phone out of my pocket to call Carlisle. I know I could just yell loudly and he'd hear me, but so would the wolves patrolling the grounds. If Jacob Black showed his face right now, I'd kill him.

The blood is no temptation for me, even though it's gushing from between her thighs. I know what this means, and so does she.

"Carlisle, we need you right away! Isabella is bleeding."

"How much, Son?"

"Too much."

"I'll be right there."

I cradle her against me. "I'm sorry. Carlisle's on his way. Just hold on."

"Edward . . . I'm losing our baby." She claws at my arms that surround her, trying to bring us closer. "I'm bleeding to death. I don't want to leave you."

"No. I won't let you die."

"I'm so scared." She dissolves into keening sobs, and the rest of her words are garbled, but I don't need to hear them to understand she's scared out of her mind.

"Hold onto me. I promise you're going to be okay."

More blood gushes, and I rip off the top sheet and ball it between her legs just as Carlisle storms the cottage with Rose in tow. He surveys the amount of blood and shakes his head.

"Edward, we need to get her back to the house." He digs in his medical bag, coming out with a small bottle and a syringe. He draws up some of the clear liquid and kneels beside the bed. "Isabella, I'm going to give you something to relax you, okay?"

"O-Okay."

"We're going to get you back to the house. I'm so sorry, but you're having a miscarriage. I need to do a D&C."

A sob bubbles out, but she nods her head in understanding.

Carlisle gives her the shot and a minute later, Isabella's hold on my arms relaxes slowly until she's completely limp.

"Let's go! We need to get her straight down to the lab."

Twenty minutes later, and it's all over. Our baby is gone. Isabella's hemoglobin is 6.4, and she needs a transfusion. With few options available to us, Carlisle suggests Sue or one of Isabella's siblings might be a good blood match. He draws a tube of blood and asks Rose to run a type and cross match.

Isabella is resting peacefully for the moment, and I move to the other side of the room and call Sue.

"Hello?" Her voice is thick with sleep.

"Sue, it's Edward."

"Oh, God! What's wrong? Is she—"

"No, she's—Isabella had a miscarriage. She lost a lot of blood, Sue, and she needs a transfusion. Do you know your blood type? Your children's?"

"No, I'm not sure. Tell me what I can do!"

"We'll need to do a test to see if any of you are a match."

"Leah's in Seattle, but Seth and I will be right over."

With a deep sigh, I hang my head. Once again, I wish I could shed tears. Our baby is gone, and Isabella is weaker than ever. What kind of world is this where a soul as beautiful as hers has to suffer so much? If I wasn't needed so desperately here, I'd be on my way to Spain to pay a not-so-friendly visit to James Hunter. My teeth come together with an audible snap, and I swallow back a mouthful of venom.

"Edward . . ." Isabella's weakened voice cuts through my fantasies of hurting her husband.

In a split second, I'm at her side, holding her hand. Her skin is paler than normal, and deep in her eyes I see fear. I lift her hand to my lips and kiss it reverently. My beautiful mate, my goddess, doesn't deserve this agony.

"I'm here, my love." I press my cheek to hers. "I'm so sorry about our baby."

"I wish I could have given you a child," she whispers brokenly. "Am I going to d-die now?"

"No! You're going to be fine."

"I feel so strange, Edward . . . weak and short of breath."

"That's from the blood loss. I called Sue, and she's on her way over with Seth to see if one of them will be a match for a blood transfusion. Once we get some blood into you, I think you'll feel much better."

"You're not just saying that? I'm really going to be okay?"

I cup her sickly pale face between my palms. "Isabella, look at me." I wait for her soulful brown eyes to meet mine before I continue. "I will never lie to you. You're going to make it through this."

"Through this . . . but maybe not everything, right?"

"I'm going to do what I can to ensure you're by my side for eternity. I can't promise I'll be able to turn you, but Carlisle is working as fast as possible to make sure that I can."

She gazes into my eyes with complete love and trust. "Thank you for being honest with me . . . I don't think anyone's ever been completely honest with me before."

"Always. I will always be honest with you." I lean in to kiss her forehead which is cold and clammy. "Rest now, sweet one. You need every ounce of strength."

"Okay." Her sad eyes fill with tears again, and she clutches at my shirt. "Our little boy is gone. I feel . . . so empty and hollow inside."

"I'm so sorry. When you're feeling better, we can bury him down by the river if you'd like."

"Yes, I'd like that very much. I love you."

"I love you, too. Rest now."

Five minutes later, she's asleep. The bleeding has ceased, and I can hear Carlisle conversing in hushed tones with Sue and her son, Seth. He's explaining what happened to Isabella and his theories about why her body rejected the fetus so violently.

With everyone otherwise occupied, I have a few moments to review my own feelings. Isabella was carrying my son, a son I will never get to know. In a way, it's for the best because the likelihood of Isabella making it through the birth was less than five percent. Selfish or not, I have no desire to raise a child at the loss of my mate. The cost was just too high, and I'd probably never make it without her anyway.

My thoughts turn to Isabella's daughter. This is no place for a human child, and I'm thankful that Hannah will have a place on the Res. The only thing that would make it better would be if her home wasn't with my mortal enemies on land I'm not allowed to set foot on, but it is what it is.

Slowly, I fall to my knees and mash my fists into my eyes. My son. My boy. I wonder if he would have looked like me or a combination of me and Isabella. I wonder if he would have had the unruly reddish hair of his father or the glossy dark tresses of his mother. What kind of world would he find this? There are so few hybrids in existence; he might never come across another one. Being neither human nor vampire, would he ever find a mate? Or would he be cursed to walk the earth alone? Even knowing all of this, I mourn his loss.

The shuffle of someone's steps pulls me out of my grief, and I glance up to see Sue walking slowly across the room. "Edward," she acknowledges, pretending it's perfectly normal to see a vampire on his knees. God, they're both going through so much.

"Hello, Sue." I rise to my feet with a nod.

"Seth is a match. Carlisle is prepping him."

"Excellent."

"How is she, Edward?" Sue's liquid brown eyes, which remind me so much of Isabella's, search mine, looking for truth. Please don't let me lose her now.

"She's going to be fine. Carlisle has to find the cure that will allow me to turn her before our time runs out. We can bring her back from this, but there's still the danger of the leukemia killing her before we can change her."

"So, her only choice is to be a vampire?" Sue moves to stand beside the gurney and lays her hand over Isabella's. Her voice and thoughts hold no malice; she just wants to know what will become of her daughter.

"Yes. If she wasn't sick, I would offer her the choice."

"Really?" She turns her head, and it's disconcerting to see Isabella's keen gaze staring back at me. "I thought vampires mate for eternity."

"We do."

"You would let her go?"

"Of course. I would do anything for her, Sue, even to my own detriment. She's my life."

"Bless you, Edward." To have that kind of devotion . . . I'm so happy for Isabella.

"That's probably the first time I've received a blessing since Carlisle sired me." I even manage a small smile.

Our moment is interrupted by Carlisle rolling in another gurney with a young Quileute reclining on it. He has a friendly, boyish face, and he smiles openly at me.

"You must be Edward. I'm so glad I'm a match for my sister. I want to help however I can."

"It's nice to meet you, Seth. Thank you for doing this."

"Pshaw. It's nothing. Now if my sister Leah was the match . . . forget it."

"Seth Clearwater!" Sue admonishes him in a forceful whisper.

"Ma, come on—everyone knows Leah is a bitch."

"Watch your mouth, young man."

"I'm twenty-two!"

"I can still cuff your ear—I don't care if you're fifty."

"Sorry, Ma."

When Sue turns her head, Seth mouths, Leah is the biggest bitch ever, and we share a conspiratorial smile. I like Seth; he seems to be one of the most "real" people I've ever met. Sue obviously did a great job raising him, and I wonder idly what the story is with this Leah.

*RK*

A few hours later, Isabella is back at the cottage resting in our bed. There's a tender pink tone to her cheeks, and her eyes are livelier. She keeps complaining that she was asleep while Seth and Sue were at the house—she slept straight through the transfusions, only waking as I was carrying her back to the cottage. I assure her there will be plenty of time to get reacquainted with her new family.

Carlisle's happy about the way she snapped back. Seth's blood has no leukemia cells, so his donation might help slow the process down slightly. I'm grateful for every extra moment we're given to find the answer.

Carlisle also took a sample of her blood before the transfusion to mix with my venom in a Petri dish. The results were not encouraging; Isabella's blood once again consumed my venom. While the process isn't as rapid as with the other venom samples, it's obvious my immunity is wearing off. If I drink from her now, I'll be down for the count.

"A penny for your deep ones." Isabella's soft voice draws my attention, and I turn my head to look into her beautiful eyes.

"I can't bite you again."

"Because I'm weak from blood loss? I though the transfusion—"

"No, because I'm losing my immunity. If I drink from you again, it won't end well."

"Oh!" She brings a hand up to cover her mouth. "I was hoping . . ."

"So was I. Carlisle is working around the clock on the cure, so hopefully we won't have to worry about any of this for much longer."

Isabella nods then looks over at me shyly. "Will you change me yourself?"

"Yes . . . if it's what you want." I thread my fingers through hers.

"Can you tell me about it? About how you'll change me?"

A knot forms in the pit of my stomach. I've avoided thinking much about what my sweet Isabella will have to go through to be mine for eternity. Yes, three days of agony can hardly be compared with century upon century of being together, but it will pain me to watch her go through it. Part of me fears she'll change her mind once she knows and will choose death instead.

"Isabella, it's not romantic like in some movies. There's nothing pleasurable or sexual about going through the change. I wish I could make it so for you."

"Tell me. I need to be prepared."

I look away from her intense gaze, staring into space for a moment. For some reason, I can't tell her face to face—perhaps I'm afraid if her face shows signs of distress, I'll falter and be unable to tell her the whole truth. So I tell her with my face turned away like a complete coward.

"Isabella, I have to bite you—likely in several places. I need to drink enough of your blood and then inject you with enough of my venom to start the change. After that . . . it will take three days. My venom will literally burn through you as it transforms each and every cell of your being. It hurts like hell, and you will beg me for death."

"It will burn?" she asks in a small voice.

"Yes, like the fiery pits of hell. There is no relief as the venom races through every vein, artery, organ, and neural pathway. It's like being set on fire from the inside out, but no water can quench it."

"Are you trying to scare me?"

Now I look her in the eyes. "No. But I need you to understand what this will be like so you can make your choice."

"I made my choice in the car on the way here. In my heart, I made my choice back at the cabin."

"Are you sure? Maybe you have some questions?"

"It will burn for th-three days? And then I'm done?"

I smile. "Yes, then you're done."

"And I'll never feel pain again?"

"Never again."

"You'll want me forever?"

"Beyond forever, Isabella." I sweep the hair off her cheek and snake my hand around the back of her neck, bringing my lips close to hers. "You are all I will ever need or want in this world." I brush my lips over hers: a promise to always cherish her.

Her hands run lightly up my chest and over my neck to tangle in my hair. "Yes," she whispers against my lips.

I don't ask her again if she's sure; Isabella has a mind of her own, and I know she wouldn't say yes unless she meant it. Happiness floods through me stronger than any emotion I've ever experienced. She wants me forever, too.

"Marry me."

"Edward, I'm already married." She laughs nervously.

I press my forehead against hers and look into her eyes. "Vampires aren't bound by the laws of man. Be my wife. Take my name. We'll have a small ceremony with my family once Hannah is safe. She can be the flower girl. Please."

"Yes, of course I will, Edward."

I spring from the bed and scoop her up in my arms, spinning us around the room. Her peals of laughter are a balm for my soul. Returning to bed, we make out like teenagers until she falls asleep in my arms. I'm not even insulted that she fell asleep mid-grope.

During the night, I receive an important call. I lie beside Isabella and wait anxiously for her to awaken. If she didn't need her sleep so desperately, I would rouse her. Instead, I lean against the headboard and daydream about what our life will be like together. I imagine how strong and beautiful she'll be as an immortal and have to fight against the hard-on that results—Carlisle advised against sex for the next few days. Besides, I'm wondering if she'll be interested in sex after what just happened.

At least her slumber is peaceful. She's curled up against me with her head on my chest, and every so often she murmurs my name in her sleep and tightens her fingers on my shirt. I remain patient, although I feel a sense of excitement building inside me.

A few hours later, Isabella opens her beautiful eyes, stretching and yawning like a kitten. "Good morning, Edward."

"Indeed it is, my love."

My tone grabs her attention, and she sits up quickly. I grin at the way her hair is flat on one side and sticks up in a frizzy halo on the other.

"Did something happen?"

"Yes."

"Well? Tell me!" She grabs the front of my shirt and looks up at me fiercely.

"Hannah is on her way home."

~*RK*~

A/N: A very sad chapter—hands out tissues. Are we all excited to meet little Hannah? Still some tough times ahead. This isn't the happiest story I've ever written, but I'm just the puppet. For those who are asking—yes, there will be a showdown of sorts with James.

Thanks to all who read, rec, and lurk this story. See you next Tuesday!

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