Title: Journey of the Lonely Whale: Day One
Author: Lisa (ljkwriting4life)
Rating: M (Adult themes, sexual references, low-level coarse language)
Pairing: Gil/Sara
Summary: Sara watches the tape of Heather Kessler's final statement to the police and makes an important decision. (Post Immortality)
ONE
Sara was in limbo as she stood in the office, her new office, halfway between the desk she had barely claimed and the media cassette player and television she had wheeled in with stubborn determination and self-loathing. She hated that she felt like she needed to see this. She had closed the door and pressed play and sat her finger on the fast forward button for what felt like an eternity.
She soon threw her other arm out and shook her head in exasperation as she watched the picture advance. This was nothing, she told herself. This just looked like Lady Heather talking to an officer and then being left alone. Heather sat, she tapped her fingers against the table, she waited.
Sara's heart was thumping. She hated that she was watching this only to hurt herself when the case was closed and they were all moving on, but she still felt like she had missed something.
Something about Heather and her ex-husband that Lindsey clearly felt she should know.
Lindsey had implied it was the end of the video she should watch, so Sara was intent on skipping past all this nothingness, but how long was that going to take? Sara had better things to do. She wanted to start this new role as Lab Director with self-confidence and patience, but watching Heather sign her statement and say her final words before walking out of the department would not help either of those things. Plus, her thumb was cramping over the remote's fast forward button.
I'm too old for this shit, Sara told herself. She was in her mid-forties, for Heaven's sake. She had already told Heather she loved Gil, and Heather had confirmed that she didn't, and maybe she never had. Surely that was supposed to be the end of it.
Sara was also trying hard not to think about Gil, and this wasn't helping her with that either. She had finally gotten to say goodbye. Her eyes had only just stopped watering, which thankfully no one had noticed. She had changed her clothes after the morning press call, she was feeling comfortable with herself and her life. So, what was she even doing, still hunting for clues about Gil?
Lindsey was young, she didn't understand this yet.
"Damn it," Sara said aloud when her eyes registered a change in the video footage at last. She had been fast-forwarding so quickly that multiple frames of the recording were skipping at a time, and suddenly Heather had looked up past the camera and smiled, and Sara didn't know what had happened. There was a paper in front of Heather on the desk, and another person in the frame. Surely this was the end. She would sign her statement, say her piece, and get the hell out.
Sara lifted her thumb and pressed the play button. The image on the screen shook briefly as she forced the sudden about-face. Heather silently read her statement as an officer stood on the other side of the desk. She picked up a pen, signed the statement and the officer took it from her, and then Heather put her hands on the table and smiled softly to herself.
Except she wasn't smiling to herself.
"That's it, we're done."
Sara couldn't see his face, but she sucked in a breath and her insides wrenched when she heard his voice. Of course, she thought sadly. Sara had said goodbye to Gil, and Gil had said goodbye to Heather. Made sense.
Sara almost turned it off, except now Heather knew. She knew something about Sara, and Sara hoped Heather knew something more about herself as well. Would she tell Gil she didn't love him? Sara actually wasn't sure she wanted Heather to do that. Two women in one day telling him to go, goodbye; no matter what had happened between them, Gil didn't deserve that. Tears filled her eyes again as he said Heather's name and sat down. Sara could only just see him in the frame, he was dark and out of focus with the camera pointed at Heather. Sara still could not see his face, but she could hear him. She had thought she was going to hear Heather's final words, but no, these were Gil's. It was the last thing Sara would ever hear him say. She held her breath as she listened.
"Before I get back on my boat I wanted to thank you," he said calmly. "When we first met I had a shell around my heart. I'd lost my belief in humanity. The only truth I knew was empirical science. I just wanted to thank you for opening my heart. Through you I learned to love someone."
"Sara?" Heather asked.
She looked and sounded…kind, Sara realised. She was kind.
Gil didn't answer directly and he didn't need to. Sara knew Gil loved her, that hadn't always been the problem. She watched Heather's gentle smile as Heather observed him. She seemed simply happy for him. Sara shut her eyes and remembered Gil calling Heather his friend. She helped him.
"She restores my faith in the human being," he was telling her on-screen. "Plus, she helped me with my crossword puzzles. She's been my best friend. I'll miss her, for the rest of my life."
Sara opened her eyes and held her hand over her mouth as she listened to him talk about her. Sara. She and Gil had talked about faith over the years, during cases or between themselves.
I have faith in you, he had said, many times, as though it was a statement of absolute fact.
She restores my faith in the human being.
He sounded grateful to have known her, happy to have had a best friend in his life, and resigned to the fact that he would never have Sara or that friendship again.
But if he got back on his boat, who would he talk to? This felt like an ending with Heather as well, one that Gil was initiating, which was huge for him, but then what? Where was he going to go?
Sara dropped her hand and frowned stubbornly as she fought the tears in her eyes.
She knew she had no right to want answers to those questions, she was not his wife and it wasn't her job anymore to worry about Gil. She was the one who made the first move that set them apart. She left him on his own when she left Vegas eight years earlier, and he had certainly forgiven her for that, but then he had left her on her own when she came back to Vegas two years later and he stayed in Europe and South America, and they had done a pretty good job of leaving each other alone for the rest of their marriage and in the years since the divorce. He could make new friends.
And yet.
Sara tried so hard not to think about him every day he wasn't there. She tried so hard not to imagine him with her as she went about her life. For years now she had put a stop to the imaginary conversations with him about the work and the team and the funny things she saw and wanted to tell him about, just to hear his soft, happy chuckle at her own joy. She had been doing so well at that too, and he had just ruined all of it. Because every day now, for the rest of her goddamned life, she was going to know the truth, something she had also tried not to understand and not to think about.
She would know that he was thinking of her too.
And what if he died one day on his boat, alone in the middle of the ocean, and she never knew he was gone? Sara dreamed about that sometimes, and now she couldn't stop thinking about it. She felt sick. She loved him. She was in love with him. She would never stop thinking about him.
Sara had no idea how long she stood in her office. The tape had stopped, the television screen was on stand-by, and she was listening to her own shallow breathing and trying not to panic.
When Gil followed her to Costa Rica a year after she left Las Vegas, one of the first things she had asked him was what on earth he was doing there? He was meant to be back at the crime lab.
I'm meant to be with you, he said. He had sounded so sure, and clearly he still was, but Sara understood why Gil would never push his desires onto her. He wanted her to be happy, to have the sort of career that he had enjoyed for so long. She was now about the same age as he had been when she first arrived in Vegas to help him at the lab. He felt the next fifteen years belonged to her, not him. His time was past, he had to accept that and move on, and that meant leaving her behind.
Part of Gil had also always and wrongly thought that he wasn't good enough for her; too old, too awkward, too self-contained. He told himself he was happy alone, so why risk letting her beyond that shell around his heart? The one person who might truly know him and accept him and love him.
All of a sudden we get a second chance, he had said once, in another department interview room, to another suspect. Somebody young and beautiful shows up. Somebody we could care about. She offers us a new life with her. But we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her. I couldn't do it.
Sara had listened on the other side of the glass to those words and had felt so defeated.
Only, years later, he did do it. He gave up everything in his life to find her in Costa Rica. They married, they worked, they had a life together, and they were happy until she told him she wanted to go back, and he said he wanted to stay. She'd had unfinished business in Vegas; she had never really felt she left on her own terms. So, they planned to make it work, and for a little while it did work, but they faltered, and now she had achieved her goals but both of their hearts were broken.
I hope you find what you're looking for out there, she had said to Gil that morning.
What the hell did she expect him to find? His solitude, she supposed. Some peace. Some joy.
Sara couldn't remember the last time she felt joy. She felt fulfilled and proud of everything she'd achieved, but there was little true happiness in her everyday life. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes again. She did remember the last time she had felt fear, though, standing in front of Betton in his suicide vest just the night before. Gil might have been confident the bomb was a fake from the moment he saw it, but she certainly hadn't known that, and yet there had been a strange contentment that came with the idea of it too. At least they would get blown up together. It had been a brief and stupid thought, but it had sat there in her heart until it wasn't needed anymore.
I just want us to be together.
It was all she had ever wanted.
Sara was startled by a knock on the door and she tipped her head back and blinked her tears back into her eyes. She had hoped that Lindsey would be running interference in the hallway, but clearly their time was up. Lindsey probably also knew the whole sorry saga thanks to her mom.
"Sara Sidle? I know you're in there."
Sara laughed at the familiar voice. Talk about timing, she thought as she strode to the door and unlocked it. She turned around and walked back to her desk before Catherine entered. She wasn't ready to look at her old friend and colleague just yet.
"Locking yourself in already?" Catherine asked. She shut the door behind her, and Sara heard it lock again. "How long have you been in here? It really is true what they say about couples."
"This isn't a great time, Cath," Sara said, wanting to fight this suggestion that she and Gil were a couple, or that they spent so much time together they were alike. They'd hardly spent any time together, but what if time was running out? What if there were no more chances after this?
"Ahuh," Catherine said dismissively. "I was taking Lindsey to lunch, but she told me she…might have done something to upset the new boss, thought I should check it out."
Sara sighed and turned around. She flapped her arms out by her sides and looked Catherine helplessly in the eyes.
"How much did she tell you?" she asked.
"Well," Catherine began with a wary smile. "I had thought I got the exaggerated version of events; you know Lindsey's always been a romantic and she's young…but now I'm not so sure." She softened. "You look like hell, Sara."
"Thank you," Sara said plainly. A playful smile tugged on her lips as she and Catherine teased each other with their eyes. Sara had missed her, too. She let out a deep breath and shook her head. She just didn't know what she wanted to say. She wasn't sure there was even anything left to say.
"So," Catherine began more seriously after a moment. Her gaze narrowed. "Are you…okay?"
"No, not really," Sara admitted.
"Do you…wanna know my opinion?" Catherine asked.
Sara gestured with her arm again and nodded for her to go ahead, she might as well. Sara expected Catherine to tell her that Gil loved her, and she obviously loved him, and so what were they waiting for? Go after him! She was stunned when Catherine instead said, "Don't fall for it!"
"What?" Sara asked with a frown.
"Sara, you've spent most of the time I've known you chasing after the guy one way or the other. I love Gil, I do, but are you really going to sacrifice everything you've worked for to give him yet another chance? He's never going to change, he's never going to be able to say all of this to your face, you know that. He just doesn't need what most men need, he never has. Look at what you've accomplished since you came back here. You're the Director of the Lab, and you're a woman and that's still a big deal in these parts. Imagine what seeing you in this position does for someone like Lindsey, who's just starting out, who remembers that when she was a little girl you were standing in the shoes she's in now. I'm proud of you, Sara, we all are. We should be out celebrating, not in here still talking about Gil, who by the way is perfectly happy on his boat with his crossword puzzles."
Sara stared at Catherine with an open mouth.
"What?" Catherine asked.
"I… I…" Sara shook her head and shrugged. She had nothing. Nada. Catherine smirked.
"What, did you think I was going to say something more along the lines of, 'You don't have much time, what the hell are you waiting for?'"
Sara hesitated. She saw a glimmer of something more hopeful in Catherine's eye. Her heart jolted.
"Where is he?" she asked. She barely heard herself whisper the words.
Catherine pressed her lips together in a gentle smile.
"He flew to San Diego about thirty minutes ago," she said.
Sara covered her mouth again as her eyes welled with tears and she nodded. It was just over an hour-long flight. She knew he wouldn't wait. He had no reason to stay.
Before I get back on my boat...
Sara couldn't help wondering what he had wanted to say to her before he left. He had tried so hard to say something. What if she had given him another thirty seconds? Would he have said to her what he had then gone and said to Heather instead? What if she had grabbed Gil's hand and dragged him into an office and shut the door so he hadn't felt like he would have to tell her he loved her in the middle of the hallway, with Ecklie just behind them, and the press still hovering all around.
My God, she thought, it was his worst nightmare.
"We're so bad at this," Sara said aloud.
"Well, that's bullshit," Catherine said pointedly. Sara stared at her, incredulous. "That's just what you tell yourselves," Catherine said. "And it's half the problem. You've both always been far better at 'all of this' than you say you are. Both of you. It's driven me insane for, what, sixteen years? But you had a whole relationship in that time. I didn't always understand it, but you weren't bad at it by the time you were actually together, or you wouldn't have been able to hide it for so long. If you do one thing for me for the rest of our lives, please, I just never want to hear those words again."
"Okay," Sara promised. She could do that, and Catherine was right in a way. They had made mistakes but they were human, and maybe it didn't have to mean they were failures.
"Thank you," Catherine said. She offered Sara a look of gratitude that made Sara laugh. Sara wiped her eyes and sniffled, and she turned to stare at her desk. She had only just sat down at it. Catherine had laid out two very clear paths, two different realities, and she could accept either one.
Sara knew this had to be her decision, and Catherine knew that too.
The lab needs you. That was what Gil had said to her after one brutal shift, a long time ago, to try to stop her from taking a leave of absence and maybe leaving for good. She had been so mad at him for his inability to simply say, 'I need you', which of course he had said so many times since.
Was she any better, though? Six years ago, when Gil had asked her why she wanted to go back to Vegas, to leave their research and the adventure and their life together, what had she said?
The lab needs me.
The look in his eyes when she said those four words. For a moment she hadn't remembered, and when she did she had casually dismissed the similarities between their statements with a laugh. Maybe Catherine was right and they were more alike than she had ever been prepared to accept.
And this was her moment now, her decision about whether to risk everything she had worked for. The lab would keep going, the lab was a building filled with people she and Gil had worked with and trained, and new people who would continue to learn and innovate. The science was evolving so rapidly and the technology was maturing at such a rate that it was becoming beyond anything Sara had imagined in her youth. In her interview for the directorship she had talked about leading this next generation of criminalists toward that horizon, people like Lindsey, and she had meant it. She loved teaching and learning from her team; Gil had mentored her as a teacher just as easily as he had mentored her as a criminalist. A part of her really did want to be that person.
However, the truth was, there was always going to be someone who could take her place at the lab. There was not a single soul left on the earth who could take her place beside Gil Grissom.
"Sara?" Catherine asked gently. She put a hand on Sara's elbow. Sara was still staring at her desk. So much time had passed. Sara shut her eyes when she felt Catherine step around to observe her profile. They hadn't always gotten along, they hadn't always seen eye-to-eye and they had different personalities, but they had come to respect each other and like each other. Sara was soothed by the long-standing friendship and Catherine's willingness to stand by her again now. If she decided to stay, Catherine might round up the whole crew for a party to celebrate Sara's promotion, and everyone would come, it would be a blast, and then Sara would go home and cry herself to sleep. The feeling in her heart and gut at just the idea of it all was so wrong that she shook her head. She had cried herself to sleep over too many days and nights, over too many years, and to what end? She knew her husband, she knew his gentle heart. He would have cried himself to sleep as well.
"Catherine," she said. She opened her eyes and turned her head to look at her friend. "You know how you asked…why would I even give him another chance?"
"Yeah," Catherine drawled, unsure what Sara had decided or what she would say.
Sara took a deep breath first. She settled her emotions. She felt mature and strong, and Catherine's expression shifted as she acknowledged the ways that Sara had changed as well.
"You're right," Sara said. "It's not about Gil getting another chance, and it shouldn't be."
Catherine arched an eyebrow. She knew Sara wasn't done.
"It's about me," Sara said. "I'm the one…with all the power here now. He did this once for me and I think this is my opportunity, and I'm going to take it. Life is too short."
Confusion flitted briefly over Catherine's expression and Sara did her best to temper her smile. There were still so many ways this spontaneous decision could backfire, but she didn't care.
"I'm gonna go," she whispered. She laughed a little and rolled her eyes at herself.
"Well, all right then!" Catherine exclaimed happily. She grinned and squeezed Sara's arm.
"But…" Sara trailed off as she gestured to the desk they were both suddenly staring at. She remembered what Gil had always said about leaving during his time as supervisor, that on the day he decided it was time to leave he would just be gone, as though he was never there at all. A ghost.
He had stayed true to that vision, and now Sara was about to do the same thing, and one day – maybe sooner than she knew – no one who worked there would even remember their names.
"Just go," Catherine said firmly. "Walk outta here and just…deal with the rest tomorrow. Like you said, you've got all the power now." She paused. "I guess that makes you the whale."
Sara frowned at her curiously and scoffed as she asked, "What?"
"Oh, Gil was trying to tell me some ridiculous story about whales and sharks, and did you know he didn't even recognise Lindsey? I had to tell him who she was! Honestly. Anyway, the way I heard it, whales are more submissive than sharks, but thanks to Lady Heather I also know it's the submissive who has the power, and you've got all the power here, Lab Director. So, you're a whale."
Sara laughed. Her laughter bubbled up from inside her chest and could no longer be contained. Her heart leapt when she realised she was excited. Joyful, even.
"Oh, give me a break, it's been more than twenty years of stories like that," Catherine said, believing Sara was laughing at her. She smiled as Sara got control of herself. "But it was good to see him in the flesh again," Catherine continued. "I knew better than to expect any more than a phone call as Gil boarded that plane, but I want to hear from one or both of you soon. Understood?"
Sara glanced at her seriously and nodded. She offered Catherine a smile in thanks.
"I promise," she said. "I'll thank Lindsey too, if I…if it…"
"Don't worry about that now, don't worry about your apartment or your stuff or the job or anyone but yourself," Catherine said as she gestured to the door. "Just go. Be happy, Sara."
Tears stung Sara's eyes again as she nodded and fiercely squeezed Catherine's hand.
She would try. Even if Gil had left San Diego by the time she arrived, she had his number, she knew he had cell service, and she was going to stand at that marina and call him until he answered and turned that boat around. And when he finally did, she knew what she was going to say.