(Edited 27 September 2020)

Dying to Live

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha.

Note 1: Thank you so, so much to all of you who have recently followed and reviewed my story with such great compliments. It makes me feel really awesome, and it helps to know that you readers are out there as I'm working on the story~ I'll do my best to keep things exciting for you!

Note 2: I mention a place called Kunashiri Island in this chapter. It's interesting to know that Kunashiri Island is just east of the northernmost point of Hokkaido. It's a part of the disputed Sakhalin Islands, so Russia administers over it, while Japan claims it. It is very close to Japan, so Japanese is one of the languages spoken on the island, but less than 8,000 people live there. Its main industry is fishing. For purposes of the story, we will assume that there's not much going on there and not much reason for anyone to visit. It's definitely likely that it will come up again in future chapters.

:::

"Enjoy your purchase," Kagome said. She passed a shopping bag of books over the counter to an older woman with glasses, who nodded and headed for the exit into the mall where the store, Book Corner, was located. Kagome had been working at the little book store for just over two weeks. Yuka, who had previously worked there before she was promoted and transferred to the larger downtown branch to become the display coordinator, had helped Kagome secure a part-time spot at the local Book Corner as Christmastime help. Kagome liked the job well so far and was grateful for her friend's thoughtfulness.

At the moment, she was looking at a print out of an updated price list, when she heard two girls approaching the cash register. They began tittering to each other softly, "Woah, check him out!"

Curious to know who they were discussing, Kagome looked up at the girls to see the direction of their attention and followed their gaze to the front of the store where an attractive young man had just sauntered in. Kagome thought he was looking pretty hot herself. Lately, she wondered all the time how she had ever gotten so lucky.

"Oh, hey, Inuyasha," Kagome called, feeling very smug in front of the girls, who blushed furiously as they watched the exchange.

"I've got your lunch. Are you ready to take your break now?" he asked, setting the quaint little bento box on the counter top.

"Yup! Let me just ring these customers out," Kagome chirped before asking the embarrassed girls oh-so-nonchalantly, "Is this all for today?"

After Kagome checked out for her lunch break, she and Inuyasha headed for their usual spot in the middle of the mall where a bunch of tables and chairs were set up around a café kiosk. They liked it because the area was normally warm and sunny due to the giant skylight above. They picked a seat next to a small, leafy potted tree at the edge of the area, and Kagome sat down to unwrap her lunch. She really looked forward to the days when she worked afternoons, because Inuyasha had so far insisted on bringing her lunch every time.

"Inuyasha, I really appreciate that you do this, and I love seeing you during my break, but you know you don't have to," Kagome said, looking up at him before she took a bite of fried rice. She felt a little wary about drawing attention to his kindness, since she still didn't fully grasp the change that had taken place over him since he'd returned to her three weeks prior. He was still the coarse, resistant Inuyasha she had always known but with a softer side that she was just beginning to know. He was certainly making an effort to expand his capacity for almost all things involving the nurturing of their relationship.

After he'd burst into her room that night he come to get her back, she'd managed to clumsily introduce him to her friends, badly attempting to brush over where he had suddenly appeared from. Of course, it took Eri only moments to remember seeing him amid the mayhem at their school play years ago. "But hadn't he looked very different that day, even the little that we'd seen of him?"her friends had asked, pressing for an explanation. And their questions only multiplied from there: "Where did he come from just now Kagome? And is that a sword? What about his expensive-looking clothes and old-style hairstyle?" So the moment of truth arrived that night: at long last Kagome and Inuyasha told Eri, Ayumi, and Yuka just where Kagome had been all those times she claimed to be sick during high school. And again, that she hadn't really moved to faraway Kunashiri Island (see author's note at top) for the last two years to, as her mother and grandfather told everyone, help distant family. (Why her family seemed to think that was a reasonable cover, Kagome couldn't imagine.) Indeed, the girls seemed to agree that the Kunashiri Island story was even less plausible than the truth that Kagome was living on the other side of a time-traveling well.

Around 2 a.m., Eri, Ayumi, and Yuka finally left for their homes, obviously of mixed feelings about the extensiveness of the lies they had been told and the extravagance of the truth they were asked to believe. Kagome worried that she would never see them again. As it turned out though, all three girls returned the next day, with Ayumi in the lead, to pledge their loyalty to their friendship and their secrecy, of course on the condition that they find out everything about the other half of Kagome's mysterious life. Again, as Kagome had thought repeatedly since that first night, she wondered how she had ever gotten so lucky.

After the girls had departed in the early hours of the morning after Inuyasha's return, the couple had stayed all through the rest of the night sitting close together on cushions in the middle of her bedroom floor. Inuyasha opened up to her as he never had before. He told her every detail of how he felt after she left: Kaede's request and the kimono the villagers gave him; his meetings with Kikyo, his mother, and his father, and everything his father said to him; and finally how he had wished upon the Shikon Jewel for whatever would let Kagome and him be happy together.

At first light, they returned through the well to discover that his belief was right, that perhaps at last he had gotten the best of both worlds: in the feudal era, he had been made a full demon; while in the modern era, he had been made a full human. She watched him transform into the towering, magnificent white dog demon. Kagome was a bit nervous at first at his immense size, but Inuyasha indicated for her to climb onto his back. She clutched his fur and flattened herself against his back, as he cantered into the woods. They saw new parts of the woods and rushed across a plain that she'd never been to before. Her fears quickly wore off. Instead, her heart soared at feeling the warmth of his body, the incredible power of his muscles, and the wind in her hair, while golden morning light broke over them.

At last, they reentered the forest, and he transformed back into his new humanesque appearance. Wanting to avoid the village where Lord Taka's men were probably waiting to hassle him, Inuyasha picked her up like she weighed no more than a feather, and they perched in a gigantic moss covered tree. There they spent the morning, talking about what their life together could be like, acknowledging the likely challenges but also the excitement. It was the most forward they had ever dared to be with each other, but it felt right. All they were doing was finally giving voice to the many thoughts and feelings that they had already shared but not yet given a name to.

"Omigosh, Inuyasha!" Kagome exclaimed suddenly from where she leaned against the front of him, disturbing the youkai just has he had settled back contentedly gazing off into the haze of color-changing red and green-dipped leaves around them.

"What? What's wrong?" he asked leaning forward and tightening his arms around her, worried by her urgency. Don't tell me she changed her mi-

"The beads of subjugation! We should take them off – I'm so sorry I didn't do it already" she said, her brown eyes huge and sincere, as she twisted and gazed back at him.

"Oh," he replied, looking down at where the rosary laid on his chest like always. "It's been awhile since you've even used them on me, I kind of forgot. Do you think it's okay?" he asked without thinking.

"What do you mean? Of course! We only really needed it for when you would transform without warning, and that can't really happen anymore, right?" she asked.

"Yeah, wow," he answered, a bit dazed by the realization, only thinking about it for the first time. He was a full demon now. There wouldn't be any more sudden changes, mortal weakness blended with out-of-control supernaturalism. He would just be Inuyasha the Inuyoukai when they were in the feudal era and Inuyasha the Man when they were in the modern era.

"Here, hold my waist," the girl whispered, as she turned on the branch and reached around his neck. "Kaede put them on, but I have this feeling that I should be able to take them off." Her chest pressed warmly against his chest as she leaned into him. Inuyasha's neck burned as he gazed down at her pink lips, and the tip of her tongue stuck cutely out between them.

A gentle calming warmth washed over him. How can just looking at her make me feel this good? The question floated through his mind, when he recognized it wasn't just her look that gave him this feeling.

"There," Kagome smiled softly up at him. She leaned away, though he kept his hands on her upper arms to steady her. Between them, Kagome's hands glowed with a dim, warm-looking rose-colored light. In them lay the strand of indigo and teardrop-shaped, cream-colored, shell beads. They looked so small in her hands! Curious, Inuyasha put one cupped hand out to accept them from her. The glow diminished, as the strand fell in his hands, and the beads were lighter than he expected. He thought back to how they felt like a great weight, distracting and cold on his neck when Kaede had first enchanted them onto him. Over time, he had given them less and less thought. He even forgot about them from time-to-time, even when Kagome was still given to shout "Osuwari" at him when he was particularly bad to her or the group that were then slowly becoming his friends.

Thank the kami he had gotten over himself more since those days. What if he had missed out on this? Not just finding out what it might be like for his dreams to come true, but of being together with Kagome and the friends who had come to support them in creating a world free of Naraku?

He passed the beads back into her waiting hands that were no longer glowing with that delicious rose light. Yet, the inuyoukai couldn't resist those sweet, pink lips anymore, as she gazed up at him. He returned his hands to grip her shoulders and drew her in until their lips met for yet another deep kiss. Then, they huddled close again on the tree branch.

:

Kagome's mind came back to their luncheon spot in the mall, when Inuyasha spoke again. "Well, I figure I should practice using the Metro, if we're going to try living on this side of the well part of the time," Inuyasha explained, watching her eat. "Although, I still feel nervous when the train goes underground, and I'm gonna have to brush up on my reading skills. I realize I can't quite remember all the characters on the signs."

"Some of the characters have probably been updated and added to the language since you learned to read. Don't worry about the stop names, though, you'll get used to them and remember where they are before long," Kagome reassured him before changing the topic. "So how was 'youkai practice' last night? You must have been really tired this morning. You didn't even move when I got up."

"Oh, yeah. Well, I started training with Tessaiga again last night," Inuyasha replied, referring to how he had been spending the afternoons and some nights in the feudal era training with his new body. "It's definitely responsive: it has way more power than it ever did before. So apparently, being part human isn't a necessary prerequisite to wield it, like I had feared. Still, I don't fully understand the seal my father placed on it all those years ago, but he clearly anticipated that I would always be its master. But to answer your question, I feel pretty drained. I'm having a hard time focusing my youkai energy, the youki, through the fang. The youki just keeps coming out explosively, not as anything controllable. I guess, now, I feel like I've got more power than I even know what to do with," he said, smirking and wearily rubbing his eyes at the irony.

"I know you're going to get it," Kagome replied reassuringly, rubbing one of his forearms.

He smiled at her and impulsively rubbed the freshly exposed back of his neck. He made a face and then asked her yet again, "Kagome, are you sure I don't look really bad with my hair like this? I've noticed a lot of people looking at me really strangely, like those people in the bookstore. Also my neck and head feel so much colder when I go outside. I know I said wanted to try a haircut, but I'm not sure it was such a good idea after all…"

Kagome couldn't help but giggle at him. He blushed crimson so his face and neck almost matched the burgundy hoodie he wore under an attractive grey cargo jacket, lined with red and black plaid. Along with the top pieces, he was also wearing the trim, black dyed jeans, and the sporty grey athletic shoes she picked out for him. With his freshly cropped hair, short in the back but with the bangs still full and boyish, he looked a just like men's clothing model, right out of a catalogue. "Inuyasha, the only problem might be that you look too good. I'm realizing I need to assert my territory around you, or some other girl's gonna try to move in on you," she said lowering her voice steamily, to which Inuyasha cutely turned red again. "Speaking of which, Mom wants us to look at the catering menu for the wedding reception tonight when I get home, you gonna be free?"

"Yeah, I guess so. I'll just be happy as long as there's ramen in there somewhere," he replied offhandedly. Then, he lowered his voice an octave and cast his fiancée a smolderingly desiring look. "To be honest, though, tonight I think I'm a little more interested in what you and I might be doing after we finish looking at the wedding stuff."

A hot chill ran down Kagome's spine, and she thought to herself again, Ah, yes, I am so lucky!

::

There's something touching my face, Sesshomaru thought to himself.

Yes, there's something there, another part of his brain said.

Well, just twitch your mouth. It'll go away, the first part of his brain answered.

It was a very strange conversation, Sesshomaru thought. Everything had been strange lately. He realized he'd begun to dream, which must have meant he was sleeping. Indeed, he was buried beneath so many layers of cottony sleep that he couldn't possibly be awake.

Sometimes he heard muffled voices through the thick curtains of his velvety slumber. Mostly it was Rin's voice. Occasionally, Jaken's grating tones made it through. Another vaguely familiar, male voice reverberated around the recesses of his mind from time to time, droning on in an unrecognizable chant-like language. His body felt heavy like lead, and the temperature seemed to be in constant flux between two extremes, hot and cold, like a desert. And it was mostly dark, very dark, except for the increasingly longer occasions when a thin strip of light appeared on what seemed to be a fuzzy, slanting horizon in the inky blackness.

It's on your nose, his brain told him. Whatever had been on his upper lip before had apparently changed location. Get it off. Get if off.

He imagined the whoosh of the fly's wings as the buzz of the insect echoed into his ears. He felt its tiny wisp-like legs hop from the bridge of his nose to the tip.

"GET OFF!" he awoke to his own deranged shout followed by his own sneeze. Unbelievable pain shot through his chest. Light flooded into his pupils, and his eyes snapped open searching for the source of his discomfort. His sight darted from here to there, but it was like he couldn't focus on any one thing, because everything seemed to be in a bizarre haze like he was looking through a smudged window. Similarly, he became aware of his own gasping, but it sounded oddly far off and ill-defined to his ears.

His view of the room slowly spun onto its side, as panic surged through his veins. He caught sight of a strange appendage—an arm, yes, his arm— twitching about like a fish out of water. Mentally, he commanded what felt like every ounce of his strength into regaining control of that phantom limb. Finally, he drew it close to his core in a pathetic effort to bring comfort to the splitting pain emanating from somewhere near his sternum. He felt his muscles going rigid along with an uncontrollable tightening in his lungs. He wheezed and tried to cough. A shadowy darkness was creeping into the corners of his vision, when he heard the pounding of someone's feet followed by the rattle of the shoji door.

:

When Rin finally made it into Sesshomaru's room after hearing him yell, she was both terrified and excited by what she might find. However, his muffled shout worried her that something might be attacking him again.

Instead, she found him splayed halfway out of bed and fearfully hyperventilating. Immediately concerned that he might reopen his chest wounds, she fell to the floor and rhythmically rubbed his back. Soothingly, she shushed him, urging him to calm down.

"Lord Sesshomaru, can you hear me? It's me, Rin. You must slow your breathing down or you will hurt yourself. Try to take some deep breaths. That's it," she said shifting him back under the covers, once he managed to inhale fully a few times. She felt a rush of glee at his response to her words and touch.

Sesshomaru had closed his eyes as he fought to control his breathing, and for a moment she just knelt and watched him. He swallowed roughly after several minutes and asked for a drink of water. She lifted his head and helped him take a few small sips from a cup. Then, still lying down with the cover up to his chin, he turned two startlingly beautiful, greyish-brown eyes in her direction. She suppressed a shutter, and at last he spoke. "I was attacked," he remarked plainly.

"Yes and severely injured," she added.

He paused, staring straight ahead before asking, "How long have I been out for?"

"Almost eight weeks," she replied.

He bit his dry, cracked lips. "My body is greatly weakened. I have never suffered damage like this before," he stated.

"Yes, and you still need more rest. Maybe now that you are awake, perhaps you can be up and about in just three or four more weeks-," she began to say.

"That's not possible," he interrupted, sounding disturbingly confident. "I'll be better before that. Apparently, while I was unconscious, my body's extraordinary healing capabilities must have been limited to the more basic functions necessary to sustain my life. Undoubtedly, now that I am awake and able to exercise conscious control over myself, the healing process will go much more rapidly. Then, I will kill the one who did this to me," he finished as if the plan was all set.

Rin felt nervous beads of sweat prickle the back of her neck. How would she ever convince him that things wouldn't be that simple? And keep him from coming completely unhinged? On top of everything, in his very long life, few people had probably ever deigned to contradict Sesshomaru.

However, she hoped she'd avoided the tougher problems for today, for at the moment the young man before her had a dreamy look about him, and his eyes were beginning to droop shut.

That was before he mumbled, "One other thing, Rin: I realize that I barely recognized my own hand just now—"

Oh kami, has he figured it out already? Rin heard her brain scream, snapping back to attention.

"What happened to my claws?" he finished.

The young woman knew she likely looked overly alarmed by his inquiry. She prayed that, as he was obviously quickly falling into fatigue again, he wouldn't notice her expression.

"Your claws? I-I cut them," she blurted out.

"What?" he asked, cracking a heavy eyelid to look at her.

"I cut them. You were having tumultuous, fever-induced dreams, and I feared that you might unconsciously scratch open your wounds. So, I cut your claws," she explained, feigning decisiveness.

"I've never done that before… They'll have to grow back quickly," he concluded drowsily, as if saying so would threaten them to do so.

"Well, you get some rest. I'll come back later to tend to you," Rin said, readjusting the bedcovers ever so slightly before rising to leave the room.

Thank the heavens above that I trimmed and braided his hair so that he might not notice that for a while! she mused, turning to gently shut the shoji door after she left the room and releasing a long sigh of relief. Little did she know, someone was waiting for her just outside the door.

"What did you just tell Lord Sesshomaru?" Jaken asked in alarm, the question accusingly rhetorical. Her hands still on the wooden door frame, Rin closed her eyes and quickly braced herself before the imp opened his mouth again. He got only as far as "You li—" before she loudly shushed him and abruptly took off at a fast walk down the hall.

As she hoped, Jaken followed her at a run, his short legs unable to match her wider gait. "Did you hear me, Rin? Rin? Where are you going?!" he panted, until she stopped suddenly, satisfied that they were out of Sesshomaru's immediate range of hearing. "You lied to Lord Sesshomaru! I heard you! What are you doing?" Jaken whined in horror once more.

Her back still turned to him, Rin impulsively clenched her fists, unable to contain her frustration with the little demon's criticism any longer. She whirled on him and began to verbally pelt him, her words clipped and acerbic: "Yes, yes I did! I lied to Lord Sesshomaru, Jaken! He only just woke up, minutes ago, for the first time in almost two months, so I thought, 'Maybe I won't tell him right off that the very core of his identity has been taken from him and that he's living on borrowed souls!'" she spat.

Jaken looked at her like she had two heads before he began to pull nervously at his own face. "Oh don't you see?" he moaned. "It's going to be so much worse when he finds out the truth now! He will see it as we have unnecessarily drawn out the shameful extension of his life. Then, inevitably, he will waste no time in immediately killing one of us. After that he'll command the survivor to kill him and, finally, him or herself as a matter of honor! If we are lucky he will not haunt our dead bodies as further punishment for deceiving him," he concluded, trembling.

"Oh give me a break! Would you listen to yourself?" Rin asked, throwing her hands up.

"Er – what?" Jaken stuttered.

"All of what you said adds up exactly to the reason why we cannot tell Lord Sesshomaru the truth! Think: he is going to be extremely distraught when he finds out what really happened, and I think it's very likely he may try to hurt himself," Rin started. "That's why I lied – to keep him safe. I will do everything in my power to protect him, even from himself, and if that means lying to him, then so be it! And Jaken, if you-you," here she struggled for the right words before settling on and lowering her voice dangerously, "If you love Lord Sesshomaru as much as I do, then you'll understand that. Otherwise, get out my the way now."

Jaken looked thunderstruck, but still she wasn't finished. The gates had been opened, and the flood would not be stopped. "And another thing, Jaken: you seem to have an awful lot of opinions about how I handle things with Lord Sesshomaru, for one who has not stood before him more than once since his transformation. What are you afraid of anyway?" she asked, her voice rising with her temper. "Surely it's not that he'll kill you on the spot, because he's obviously too weak to do that. Or are you just too ashamed to serve him now that he is basically human?" she seethed. "Well?"

If it was possible, the little imp demon's eyes had opened even wider than usual. He looked completely dumbfounded, frozen to the spot, as she swept away down the hall.

::

That night, Rin laid awake in bed, unable to sleep. She looked across the room at her small collection of personal items. They weren't many as she, Jaken, and Sesshomaru hadn't spent much time in the big mansion on the rocks over the years. Constant travelling had meant owning a sparse number of things and mainly only the essentials. When she needed something, Sesshomaru gave her the necessary money, and she bought whatever it was at the closest market. So, on top of her dresser, all there was included a plain fan, a simple wood-backed hand mirror, a tortoise shell comb and brush, and a red, silk hair ribbon. No decorations. No other accessories. No make-up. None of the things a normal girl her age might have in her chambers.

Having thought about it more and more over the years, Rin realized that, for the most part, she actually didn't mind not being ordinary. She had travelled far more, spent more time outdoors, met more people, and enjoyed more freedom, than most women. All this and her very life, she owed to Sesshomaru.

Although, the young woman couldn't know it, for she had no one her age or gender to ask, she still couldn't help being ordinary in some regards. So, she had noticed as she got older, that her relationship to both Sesshomaru and Jaken was changing… and becoming less simple.

Take earlier that day, for example, she thought to herself. She hadn't really meant to lash out so strongly at Jaken. She knew she had probably hurt him badly by suggesting that he didn't care about Sesshomaru. She simply knew this to be untrue, judging by the way he had moped around constantly since Sesshomaru had gotten hurt, even if he didn't go in to visit their master, for whatever reason…. Similarly, she couldn't forget the many hours the little imp had spent watching over and playing with her when she was small. So while he might not have always thought very highly of humans, Jaken hardly had a true aversion to them. Her accusations had been heated and unfair. She felt sorry for being so brazen, but she knew this had turned into a recurring regret over the last few years, as she entered her adolescence. There just seemed to be an unexplained friction continuously growing between her and the two men in her life, the conflict with each of them developing very differently.

Rin could remember always enjoying Sesshomaru's attention, as non-emotive an audience as he had always been. Regardless, over time she became confident in the knowledge that he found her presence agreeable, or he would not have allowed her to stay with him, she believed. But as she grew older, she found she yearned for his notice ever more, but she wanted it in a new, different way that she had trouble defining at first.

It was no longer that she just wanted his simple approval or acceptance. First, she wanted his time. She waited for nothing more than a few special moments each day in which she might catch him looking out pensively over the land or before she went to sleep at night, when she might mention some small thing to him. It might be the condition of the weather, or some observation she made during their travels that day. Maybe he'd reply to her, and they'd share a few casual words before he'd walk off or fall silent. Feeling greedy then, though, she wanted his smile, that rare wisp of emotion he rarely showed, but she wanted to be the one to draw it out of him, to be the one for whom he'd really smile a true smile. When she was a little older still, she began to crave his gaze. She'd watch him, differently from when she was little, as they'd travel along or sit around the fire, as she cooked her dinner, hoping to catch him watching her back. She wanted those golden eyes on her, but they seldom were, and not in the way she desired. So she wound up feeling ignored, even though she realized that her expectations were growing absurd. Yet, that didn't stop her from ultimately lusting for his touch upon her skin. Even the most innocent, brush of his hand against her cheek would have been enough, she thought naively. However, she grappled with her disappointment, and predictably her frustration slipped out, often in little snips and snaps, often with Jaken, with whom she talked the most, and to her horror, occasionally with Sesshomaru.

She had wondered how she could ever get him to respond to her in the way she wanted, if she could barely get him to notice her. Furthermore, Jaken frequently got in the way of her maneuvering whenever she'd think she'd caught Sesshomaru alone. She had even started to feel competitive with Jaken for Sesshomaru's attention, even though the reasonable half of her mind realized this was paranoid and ridiculous of her.

So, all of these feelings of desire, angst, and frustration built up inside of Rin for many months prior to Sesshomaru's crisis. That was why she took off in an emotional huff right before he was cut down. Naturally, after that, all of her feelings of infatuation with him translated into an unshakeable loyalty to and protectiveness over Sesshomaru. Looking back at her attack on Jaken, she realized the real extent of her possessiveness and felt guilty. She would try to find Jaken and apologize to him the next day. However, she would not yield in her service to Lord Sesshomaru. She would ensure his life as well as she knew how. She resolved to do whatever she could to help him recover.