Dying to Live

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha.

In the feudal era, it rained cold, icy sleet off and on for the entire first week of January. During the day, Rin huddled under her quilted outer clothes and cape of treated burlap to escape the cold. She also tried to keep up with Sesshomaru, who rode at a determined pace and wore a sullen, frozen look all day. Around nightfall they pushed on to the next inn, if they knew one was nearby, or took up in one of the many empty traveler's huts the district offices often erected along the main trade routes. Yet, both Rin and Sesshomaru felt awkward about staying together in such small, enclosed places. When they used to travel with Jaken and Ah-Un, they always slept directly under the stars during the warm months or in cavernous, mountain caves in the wintertime. Now, dark, cozy, little inn rooms just wound up feeling cramped, while the ramshackle, drafty traveler's huts were always desolate no matter how hot they made the fire in the interior pit. The problem was that they had become like strangers to each other the over last few months. When two friends might have had laughter and conversation to pass the time or keep them warm at night, she and Sesshomaru seemed to have nothing to share. One evening, as she lay in her futon at an inn that they had stayed at for two nights because the weather had gotten so bad, Rin realized that she had been going about things all the wrong way.

She had been stealing glances around the edge of the fire at Sesshomaru, trying to figure out if he had finally fallen asleep. It had struck her earlier in the week that he was not at all used to sleeping through a full night. So nightly, he struggled through a long period of tossing and turning and irritated sighing, before he finally, bitterly willed Sleep to come to him. That was when it hit her. Despite the pact that she had made with herself the day they set out, in their isolation on the road and her irritation with his self-pity, she had fallen back on old habits and was waiting for him to set the new tone for their travels. She wanted him to talk to her first, to handle the burden of choosing an acceptable topic and level of contact.

That's not enough, now, Rin, she told herself, as she heard the agitated ruffle of his futon on the other side of the fire, as he restlessly shifted around. He breathed heavily, and she knew he was still awake without looking over. She had already quickly closed her eyes, pretending to be asleep, but she continued to think. She wondered what he thought about when he tried to fall asleep…

No, you're going to have to show him the way, she silently decided. You decided that you were going to do things for yourself. Jaken and Ah-Un aren't here anymore for you to talk to. You, at least, still need contact with living beings for you to be happy. You can't really expect Sesshomaru to know how to engage in small talk because there are a lot of things like that he doesn't have the slightest clue about. So you're going to have to lead the way and set an example for him.

Starting tomorrow, she thought, things are going to be different.

:

It was still difficult knowing where to start. After yet another morning of continued, habitual silence, Rin decided the plan needed reassessing. She would now require herself to make at least two conversation-starting comments to Sesshomaru a day, no matter how awkward they sounded. That was basically one comment in the morning and one comment by evening. That's not so bad! she told herself, pumping herself up to select their first topic of conversation.

For the next hour or so Rin waited craftily until the path widened enough for her to give her little mare a small squeeze to ride up alongside him. Then she sprang: "It's pretty dry today, isn't it?" Okay, not a thrilling observation to make, but it's a first, she had decided.

Obviously lost in some recess of his mind, Sesshomaru started a bit, blinking, before inclining his head in her direction. A few shiny strands of his graphite colored hair fell forward attractively from the impromptu motion, brushing past his cheekbone. She swallowed quickly and repeated her comment before berating herself for not suppressing a nervous little laugh at the end. At least, she managed not to blush… much.

:

Sesshomaru looked down the bridge of his slender, aristocratic nose at his young companion. He felt very much caught off guard. His mind had gone blank from the tedium of riding for so many hours. Before Rin rode up beside him, he had been wishing he could just shift into his giant dog form like in the past and race ahead of the others, scouting out the territory, relishing the rush of air through his coat and adrenaline through his veins. Then, riding on Ah-Un's back, Rin and Jaken would catch up later, leaving him time while he waited to contemplate how best to maintain and expand his territory. That would be no more, though. Now, he was powerless. Now, they didn't even have Ah-Un to fly them places. Stupid beast, couldn't even finish me off before he left, he stewed again for the millionth time in so many days.

Now, Rin was looking up at him, her expression strangely anticipatory, like she was waiting for him to do something. He noticed that her face had grown very flushed. Was she getting sick?

"It's pretty dry today, isn't it?" she repeated, her voice rising into a squeak on the last two words, as she seemed to force a questioning intonation.

Sesshomaru didn't know quite what to do. Her observation was so obvious that it merited no real response. Yet, her gaze remained fixed on him, so obviously expectant.

Unable to determine an appropriate next step in the topic's development, he settled on an affirmative "Mmm."

She blinked slowly. For an instant, an unreadable look played across her features before she followed up with, "It seems like we're done with the rain for a bit…" She let the thought trail for a few beats of their horses' hooves, before adding, "What do you think?"

He thought he didn't have any thoughts about it; that's what Sesshomaru thought. He felt a little annoyed at what he wondered might be intentional obliqueness on Rin's part. Still, trying to understand some deeper purpose for the question, Sesshomaru looked heavenward at the nearly cloudless, blue sky. "Yes, for the moment," he answered.

:

A few days later, they started their descent out of the mountains just northeast of Kyoto. From afar they saw the glistening of Lake Biwa below, and steered their horses toward it beneath a cerulean sky edged to the east with large, puffy white clouds. By afternoon, they entered the forested plains surrounding the lake. The sun shone most of the morning, interrupted only briefly by soft white wisps racing ahead of the larger cloud mass that also seemed to be traveling for Lake Biwa, as if aiming to meet Rin and Sesshomaru there. Yet, these were not the like the menacing storm clouds that had dampened their trip days earlier. As the earth leveled out, the horses stepped more lively and even Sesshomaru felt pleasantly distracted by the wildlife emerging from the surrounding trees and underbrush to bask in the sunlight.

"Ah! The air's so crisp today: I wish I could take a big bite out of it!" Rid exclaimed next to him. Sesshomaru watched and nodded slightly, as she stretched her arms and then lifted her open palms together to her mouth, as if to take a bite out of a plump piece of fruit. He was getting steadily more used to her sudden outbursts and had begun to understand that at least not all of them required verbal responses. Fortunately, a nod or acknowledging sigh seemed to satisfy what he decided was some kind of human need of Rin's. It made him realize that the two of them had never traveled so much alone together. She probably missed Jaken, who although he always acted tormented by it, had engaged in a great deal of lively banter with the girl.

A huge cloud slid across the sun, and the travelers turned their faces upward as the entire stretch of land around them fell into shadow. The other clouds followed close on the stray ones' tails, fringed in full soft grey layers, like the skirts of a well-bred lady. They moved fast now so that speckles of golden light caught between them flashed across the hay-colored winter grasses.

"Oh!" Rin exclaimed, as the first tiny, white flakes danced down from the sky. "It's a snow sun-shower!" she breathed.

Sesshomaru observed as the pace of the flakes quickened. Then, he looked over at Rin; she looked so happy, transfixed by the microscopic, little flakes. He had seen this reaction reproduced in her many times before over the years.

Ever since she was very young, Rin had loved the snow. He still remembered that first winter they spent together after he resurrected her with Tenseiga and the first snowfall that year. She had smiled and laughed and twirled through the frozen precipitation. Having already passed well over a hundred winters in his own life, he couldn't understand at first what excited her so much about the snow. Then, he had remembered that for a human child, maybe the glistening white stuff still held great novelty. Even six years older, Rin still seemed to enjoy this type of weather more than any other. Distracted by the snow, a rare, bemused smile softly blossomed on her lips. Rin hadn't smiled much recently. Sesshomaru suddenly worried that if the snow stopped, she might be very disappointed.

"It seems a bit too warm for it to last," he pointed out in a way he hoped seemed gentle enough.

"I know," the girl responded, watching a few of the dainty little things disappear in the warmth of her opened palm. "Sun-showers are almost always short, but that's why they're special," she explained, looking in his direction for the first time since the snow began. "Look, Lord Sesshomaru: it's the first time you've ever been able to see the snow stuck to your hair."

Sesshomaru looked down at where his hair fell forward over his shoulders. There it was, covered with tiny, white flecks. "I guess I never took the time to notice it before," he admitted.

"Well, before, when your hair was white, the snow still sort of sparkled in it, but otherwise it just blended right in. But now, with the greater contrast, you can see it much better," Rin explained. A few of the icy crystals melted under his own fingertips, as he further examined his hair. "It- It looks sort of- nice," she added, causing him to look up at her, not knowing whether she wished to speak more at length. However, it appeared not, as she briefly chewed her lower lip and quickly glanced around.

The whispering of the snow falling down from the clouds was the only sound between them for a moment. Then, Sesshomaru watched her look back at him. Her eyes were squinted ever so slightly, as if searching for something on his face. Abruptly, she gave her mount a small kick, but her eyes stayed locked on his, as she tugged on the reigns. She then brought the horse around into a canter into the grassy field opposite the bend in the road they were meant to follow. He looked after her retreating form, mystified by her behavior, until Rin again glanced over her shoulder at him. She pulled up on the reigns, bringing her horse to a stop in prancing, little "o" about a hundred yards away.

"Come on!" she shouted, as her mare continued to pace around, ready to take off.

"Why?" Sesshomaru shouted back, giving a hinting nod in the direction of the road.

The girl cupped her hand to her mouth and in response yelled, "Because it's fun!" Patting the mare's neck and with an excited "Ya!" she was off again. It looked to the young man like had no choice but to follow her.

At first, he held his face down, expecting the snow to sting his fragile, exposed human eyes, and the horse's back slammed uncomfortably into his tailbone. Thankfully, it didn't take long for him to reach Rin, who had slowed down for him to catch her. Still shielding his eyes, he heard her voice first over the rush of air, as their horses matched stride.

"Look up!" she hailed him.

"The snow!" he replied, his eyelids fluttering uncontrollably.

"It's so light: it melts right away!" she answered. "Just relax and open your eyes! Besides, the horses can see too!"

He lifted his eyes and forced his lids open. A flake splashed across his right pupil, and he blinked hard as the water momentarily warped the world around him. By the time he opened his eyes again, though, his thick eyelashes had already wicked away the droplets. The white speckled horizon flew at him once again, not so different from when he used to watch these lands through different eyes.

"See?" she egged, as he turned his face toward her and found a squinting grin heating up her wind-brushed cheeks. Seeing how much she was clearly enjoying herself, Sesshomaru bowed his head in reserved agreement, to which she cracked a wide smile and yelled, "Let's go!" followed by a spirited "Ya! Ya! Ya!" to spur the horses.

With the rhythmic of huff and hoof pounding of the animals and the winter grasses speeding beneath them, Sesshomaru was reminded of golden waves cresting around the bow of a ship, the snowflakes like sea spray. Having only been on a ship once in his life and having done it out of pure curiosity during his youth, Sesshomaru surprised himself with this analogy; however, this experience was different than when he used to run on his own. For one thing, Rin had never run with him before. Now that he no longer could, he regretted that he had never invited her to go with him. He hadn't expected that she would enjoy something like this. He had just never even thought about it, since it wasn't something she had the physical capacity to do on her own. Yet, thinking back to his ship ride all those decades ago, hadn't the other human riders seemed to enjoy the breeze and toss of the ocean, too?

"Lake Biwa!" Rin cheered loudly, bringing him back to their flight over solid land. Sunlight bled through the breaking clouds overhead, and the breeze twirled the snow up over them like a glittering sail. The view of Lake Biwa slid rapidly around the edge of a fence of evergreens, as Rin and Sesshomaru leaned low over their saddles and cut toward it across the clearing.

:

Later that night, when they finally reached their inn in Kyoto, Rin and Sesshomaru practically fell into their futons. Warm and heavy from his bath in the hot springs in the central courtyard of the building, Sesshomaru felt like he was actually melting like honey into the blankets, glowing and toasty beside the fire pit. For the first time since he had awoken from his coma, he actually felt tired, sleep falling over him. Could it possibly be because I slept for too long, and this strange body is only getting tired now? he thought drowsily with more than half his face pressed into the pillow.

Sesshomaru's mind began to drift not long after that, but before all thought plunged totally into slumber, he found himself afloat Lake Biwa, revisiting that afternoon. As if outside himself, he saw as he and Rin at last began to slow their horses down beside the lake, close enough see and hear the crash of the icy, Moorish blue waters against the rocky southern shores. Wind-whipped and with tears frozen in the corners of their eyes, Rin laughed and even he smiled a bit between shallow gasps of cold, thick, winter air. Golden afternoon light refracted off the lake surface illuminating everything. The last few snowflakes dangled lazily in the air, as if sticking to the rays of light. He noticed a couple of the crystalline little mites settle in Rin's sunshine-coppered bangs. He had to admit, It did look… sort of nice.

:::

Note: Hey, all! Hope you enjoyed this scene. It's one I've been thinking about for a long time – Rin and Sesshomaru bonding in this incredibly lush opening of soft, white grasses. I had fun writing it, so I hope you had fun reading it :)

If you've been out there, and you've only been reading, please drop me a review so I know you're out there! "Guest" reviews are welcome, too ;)