Chapter 70

Dispair

Remus hated the moon. He hated that he couldn't sleep. Sirius had asked him once why he had so many books when he didn't really read all that much. Sure he read more than Sirius and James combined if you didn't count school books... but in reality it wasn't all that much. At that time, he couldn't give an answer. He couldn't tell Sirius that he had read half of them within a school year. That he read while the others were sleeping, that he got no more than five hours of sleep most nights. At that time, Sirius didn't know that he slept in the bed right next to 'a monster.'

Sirius and James hated it when he called himself that, 'a monster.' He just laughed, whether they liked it or not it was true, and not all monsters are bad. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, that's what he was. A good person who just had no control. He'd never really had any control...

His train of thought trailed off as he sensed a change beside him. He gave a sigh and got up off the bed.

Not again...

He walked over to the bed next to him and pulled the curtains back before noticing something wasn't right. Sirius wasn't moving, when Sirius had nightmares he was everywhere tossing from one side to his back, then curling up on his other site... just always moving as though trying to escape.

This time Sirius was still. His breathing was heavy, very heavy, but still. The stillness unnerved Remus and he shook his friend. Sirius' eyes opened but remained still, he wasn't stiff, just unmoving. Sirius blinked, his mouth opened just slightly as he looked at a very confused Remus.

"Sirius?" Remus said lightly. Sirius didn't respond, but as he looked at Remus his expression changed. His eyes widened, as did his mouth. The look on face quickly changed to horror, complete and utter horror.

Before Remus could even consider reacting Sirius jumped out of his bed in such a hurry that he pushed Remus to the ground and ran into the bathroom slamming the door loudly as he passed it. It was all Remus could do to sit there and stare at the door.

"What in the..." Remus heard James voice from the other side of the room as the older boy was startled awake. He slowly lifted himself off the ground as James turned to look at him. "What in the world is going on?"

"Nightmare..." Remus said still facing the door. "I think."

"You think?" James asked, unsure of how something like that could be unclear. Remus finally turned to face him. "I normally wake up to the sound of his voice when he has nightmares... not the slamming of the door."

"He didn't say anything. He didn't even move. Something's wrong, James, he never acts like that after a nightmare."

James didn't answer, for a moment he just stared at the bathroom door before he climbed out of bed.

"What are you going to do?" Remus asked moving a little away from Sirius' bed.

"I'm going in there. He needs to talk about it, and he needs to do it before it gets any worse." James reached the door and gently opened it. He saw Sirius hovering over the sink, his hair hiding his face.

"Sirius." James took a step into the bathroom towards his friend when suddenly the door slammed shut in his face.

James gave a yelp as he landed on his backside and reached for the foot the door had ran over.

"What was that?" Remus asked taking a step towards James.

"He slammed the door on me. He wasn't even near the door!" James exclaimed, now he was getting frustrated.

"But his wand is out here." Peter said clearly having woken up not long after James.

"It was an emotional response." Remus sighed, "like when we were kids we did magic that we didn't mean to do when we're angry or sad. Like I run crying to my mother about some bullies and suddenly another mother finds her kid got stuck in a slide because the slide somehow became three sizes smaller just as the kid was in the middle of it... you know stuff like that."

James stood and pounded on the door. "Darn it, Sirius! Talk to me!"

Throw them all in Azkaban if you ask me.

Sirius clutched his head still hovering over the sink.

Instead, they're letting them loose in a school full of children...

Sirius backed away from the sink till his back hit one of the bathroom stall doors, still holding his head as images and voices flooded through his mind.

A distrustful look from his peers as he walked the halls,

Orion Black didn't seem particularly worried about the subject leading many to believe tumult in the Black family is merely a ruse to lure others into a false sense of security around the boy

An unrecognizable mark in a teacup

You are rather manipulative for a Gryffindor. That skill could be quite useful to me.

A crest with the label Toujours Pur at the bottom

You are a Black. You will always be a Black Whether you like it or not you are one of us and if you don't start acting like a Black so help me I will make you regret the day you ever set foot in Hogwarts, boy!

Sirius slid down the wall curling up around his knees, still holding his head trying to will the voices away. He wasn't one of them, no matter what they said he was different, better. He was good! He wouldn't do that! His friends! His friends cared... they knew who he was, they trusted him.

We are not sure if you know this... but you are the first person Remus has ever called his friend. In his letter to us you were the first one he mentioned... Remus has changed quite a bit since we watched him go on the Hogwarts Express and every change we have seen has made him a better person...

Roses are red; Violets are blue

Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.

Don't feel so angry you will find me there too

Not in a cage but laughing at you.

I picked this up and this was the first thing I saw. I just had to get it, if only for the memory, it was our very first prank. I can still remember Snivellus' face...

What do you want, Black?

James' cold voice ran through his head as memories became indistinguishable from dreams.

What is wrong with you! Who do you think you are, man!

Sirius began to shake trying his hardest to get the cruel voice out of his head, only for Remus' to join it

I thought you were our friend, we trusted you, Sirius... I trusted you.

So what? You're one of his flunkies now? So that's the thanks we get for helping you all these years?

"No" He whispered, stood and rested his back on the bathroom stall as his mind seemed to rip itself apart.

This is how you repay me for helping you!

We had a deal... Don't forget that... Black

Throw them all in Azkaban if you ask me

Throw them all...

I stood up for you! I didn't even like you and I defended you!

You're no different than they are. You may have deceived me once... but I know the truth now

I know who you really are.

You are not content to hide in the shadows... but with the right, or wrong as many would say, influence you could easily become that way.

"If only it wasn't too late for you to take it back."

Eventually, you will become like them. You will become the perfect Slytherin.

A bright green light blinded him for only a moment

Choose, Black.

Do not think you can run away from the choice Sirius Black. I will return for your answer.

Choose between a life time of your own pain or a lifetime of causing other people pain

Choose, Black.

Choose, Black!

Tears finally began to escape his eyes and he moved to the sink as though to wash them away... the strength failed him and all he could do was stand there and try not to look in the mirror.

Well well well, another Black is it.

No! He wasn't just another Black... He was okay! He didn't belong with them. His eyes finally lifted to the mirror, but his face wasn't what he saw there.

His mother's once beautiful eyes, now hardened with anger and madness.

His father's lips opened only when there were harsh words to be said.

The hair belonged to all of them... as cold and black as their hearts.

Sirius backed up, searching... searching for anything that wasn't theirs... finding nothing.

"No..." He cried softly "No"

He closed his eyes and reached for the closest thing he could find.

The scream and crash could be heard throughout the boys dorm.

James instantly rose from where he sat on the end of his bed. All three of them stiffened at the noise, and the lack of noise that followed it.

"That's it." James' determination could be heard in his voice. "I'll kick it down if I have to." James reached for his wand and attempted to unlock the door though was very surprised when it actually worked.

"Peter? Will you go make sure everyone outside stays outside, they will have heard that." Remus asked following James into the bathroom, Peter nodded and did as he was told.

James entered the bathroom and was able to easily find the source of the crash, the spiderweb cracks in the mirror didn't leave much room for guessing. What James was more concerned about was his best friend, who was now on the floor curled up as tight as he could get sobbing uncontrollably. James and Remus ran to him quickly, sitting on either side of him before noticing he was whispering to himself.

"I don't want to hurt anyone." He sobbed before repeating "I don't want to hurt them."

"Sirius you aren't going to hurt anyone." James countered putting an arm around the other's back, Remus held on to Sirius' arm, tight enough to be felt, but loose enough to be kind.

"I hurt her." Sirius argued, giving the first sign that he actually knew they were there.

"No, Sirius, it was just a dream." Remus added, reinforcing James' statement.

"I enjoyed it." he said almost too quiet for them to hear.

"Sirius, it was a dream..." James began, but Sirius interrupted moving violently as though trying to pull them off.

"No! No, it wasn't! I killed her and I enjoyed it." Sirius sobbed, no longer moving and trying to curl himself even tighter though it wasn't exactly possible.

"Dreams don't mean anything, Sirius, just a product of your imagination..."

"After..." he paused unable to continue through the sobs. "After I woke... I was happy." He managed to choke out. James and Remus looked at each other, neither could think of a response.

"I don't want to hurt anyone." he cried and they held him tighter unable to say anything to help. Sirius curled into James' shoulder. "I feel like I'm drowning." Sirius whispered so low James could only hear it because Sirius was so close to his ear. "Save me."

James' heart broke at the helplessness in his friend's voice.

"Help me."

"I suppose..." James began, hoping it would help. "I suppose it's a good thing we are great swimmers then." He gave a sad smile to Remus who simply closed the distance and hugged Sirius as well. Sirius just sat there and cried tears he'd been wanting to cry for months, tears of fear, confusion, dread, and anger.

Tears never stay in forever, eventually they will come out... whether they come gently or violently depends solely on how they had to force their way out.

A/N) I swear Sirius isn't insane. He isn't hearing voices, his memories are replaying in his mind. Just making sure everyone knows that.

Edit: 4/10/2015: fixed the formatting and grammar checked a bit. It was really bad. Let me know if I missed anything.