Chapter 119

Confrontation

Sirius was the first to jump down into the basement, with James following him before the adults had a chance to unfold the staircase that rested high enough to be unreachable by a werewolf. The jump was far enough to hurt upon landing, but neither of them cared, Remus was more important.

Remus was in worse shape than they were used to seeing, but he had warned them that he would be. The wolf didn't like enclosed spaces

The two helped their friend up the stairs, hiding their own exhaustion. They'd taken full advantage of Remus' absence in his bedroom overnight and had spent the entire evening surrounded by books Sirius had stolen from the library and had had no intention of ever giving back. At first, James had insisted they return the books when they were done with them. Now James was happy to add them to the ever-growing list of books they were going to burn when they finally became animagi. Remus wouldn't like it, but some nights the prospect of a bonfire was a more enticing goal than helping Remus was.

Last night had not been one of those nights.

They couldn't hear Remus underneath them, thanks to Lyall's spellwork, but knowing he was there was enough to double their efforts. They didn't need to hear the wolf's howling to be reminded of just how little they could do to help their friend.

Lyall looked over his son when Sirius and James got Remus into bed, applying magic here and there as necessary. They excused themselves almost immediately, wanting to help but knowing they'd get in the way.

The two Marauders who'd resolved to stay awake (Peter was sleeping on the couch) relocated to the garden, just taking in the view. Mrs. Lupin clearly worked hard on it, the lack of gnomes told them that Lyall didn't give it much of a magical boost. They'd never seen a gnome-free garden before.

"Y'know we still haven't practiced those spells for the map. We promised Moony we would." Sirius said stopping to stare at the pond the Lupins didn't technically own but acted like they did anyway. Their land really was beautiful.

"Yeah? We also promised we wouldn't do anything stupid to help him on a full moon, we break our promises to Remus a lot," James responded his frustration at the truth of the statement screaming through his calm tone.

"Technically that was just me," Sirius tried to reassure him, but only received a glare in return. Sirius wasn't used to seeing this side of James, but he wasn't a big brother for nothing.

"We'll tell him everything the moment we're done, and beg his forgiveness if necessary. It won't be necessary."

"That's not the point, Padfoot! Remus will forgive us because he can't hold a grudge to save his life, but what about or our professors or the quidditch team? I can't tell them why my grades are abysmal or why we're losing the cup again. I can't apologize for lying to them all this time." James threw a rock into the pond, punctuating the end of his sentence. The stone hit the water hard and sunk straight to the bottom.

"Who cares what they think. This is more important." Sirius shrugged tossing his own stone though his skipped along the surface of the water perfectly.

"I care, Sirius, I'm lying to everyone I know and I hate it," James growled his hands balled into fists and his posture defensive.

"Is that really why you hate it?" Sirius allowed his doubt to creep into his tone, knowing James would interpret it as an accusation.

"What's that supposed to mean?" James' voice went up an octave in his offense. Sirius chuckled at how predictable his friend was.

"I mean are you really angry because you hate lying to them, or are you just mad because you can't prove you're not the lazy slacker they think you are." Sirius didn't lighten his tone any, he didn't really want to start an argument but he thought it was about time James saw himself for what he really was, a selfish prick with a heart worth more than gold. Sirius didn't care that James was selfish after all Sirius could be just as self-absorbed at times. But denying it the way that James did wasn't good, he couldn't continue to put himself up on a pedestal and act like he was the best thing since broomsticks.

"What exactly are you trying to imply?"

"I'm not implying anything. I'm outright stating it. You don't care about lying. You've lied to McGonagall enough times that you're actually starting to get good at it, and that doesn't bother you at all. Even Merlin couldn't count the number of lies you've told your parents to get what you want and you don't even like half the quidditch team."

"This is different!" James defended and Sirius laughed at James' sad attempt at an argument.

"Yeah, because this time the lie makes you look bad. So long as the lie makes you look good, or gives you what you want you couldn't care less,"

"That has nothing to do with it!" James tried again, but the anger flaring up in his eyes told Sirius that he was caving.

"Another lie. Face it, Prongs, you're spoiled and selfish. I don't care that you are, not really, I'm just sick of watching you act like you're Merlin's gift to the world." Sirius expected the right hook James retaliated with but did nothing to dodge it though it hurt quite a bit since he refused to let it stagger him.

The older boy immediately took a step back, regret already clear on his face. James didn't let his temper out of control, he didn't attack people in a fit of rage and most importantly he didn't hit his friends when they didn't deserve it. James was the calm one, he had to be or, between Sirius' fits of rage and Remus' violent mood swings, the Marauders would end up killing someone. James joked about what was supposed to make him angry, laughed at the things which should hurt him, and mocked those who antagonized him.

Sirius said nothing as he watched James, both of them trying to figure out what was going through the future-stag's mind.

"I'm sorry," James admitted. Apologizes- real apologies- were hard for him, Sirius was well aware that he was the only one who knew that, but that only made it mean even more when James actually did apologize for his actions.

"I'm fine," Sirius was quick to reassure him, not wanting him to feel any worse than he already did, but said nothing else. He wanted James to talk to him, not the other way around. James' explosion in the common room before break had startled Sirius, he was willing to admit that. He'd never expected to see James like that, so fragile, Sirius thought he was supposed to be the fragile one, the one who needed help. He didn't like it, but that's how their relationship had always been. Sirius would break and James would put the pieces back together. James wasn't supposed to be the one who breaks and Sirius wasn't sure if he knew how to solve the puzzle, still wasn't even, so he'd let it go at first. He let James think he'd forgotten or accepted that James probably didn't want to talk about it, but it had been in the back of his mind ever since. He still wasn't sure if he could do anything to help, but he had to try and the first step was to make sure James knew what the actual problem was. The only one that James actually cared about lying to was Remus, and that wasn't significant enough to merit such stress, even with everything else they've got going on.

It was awhile before James said anything refusing to even look at Sirius.

"I don't know..." he paused, trying to put his thoughts into words. "I'm kinda an arse... aren't I?"

"Finally, he admits it." Sirius teased punching James in the arm and pretending he hadn't meant to hit quite as hard as he did, the arse did just punch him in the face after all.

"You are too, you prick." James laughed rubbing his shoulder like a midget first-year.

"Yeah, I know."

The two got quiet again and sat together by the pond, an awkward silence filling the air between them. Emotional conversations were hard and Sirius had the sudden desire to throw a rock at that fish in the pond that was watching him with it's cold unblinking eyes if only to give them something else to talk about.

That and it creeped him out.

"Padfoot, we'll be okay, right? I mean with the whole animagi thing and exams coming up and OWLS next year... " James asked, hugging his knees with his head resting on them. It was almost scary how fragile he looked.

"Of course we will. You've got me, what else could you ever need," this got another laugh out of James and caused him to change his position until he was only leaning on one leg while the other was straight in front of him. It looked much more natural, and Sirius chalked it up as a tiny victory. "In all seriousness, though, I don't know."

James understandably didn't look all that reassured.

"I don't know if we can do it, there's a reason they monitor it after all. But what I do know is that Remus doesn't deserve to be lying in bed, sick, while it's such a nice day outside, and if there's something I can do about it I'm going to do it. I also know that there are any number of reasons I could be dead by OWLS, there's no point in living if you avoid anything that can kill you. Whether I'm an animagus, in Azkaban, or dead by this time next year I can't say, but I'm going to give the first option my best shot."

James smiled, more of a smirk really. "Right, living in the middle of a war kinda makes you realize just how easy it is to die, doesn't it."

"Life is disgustingly fragile," Sirius agreed, standing when he say Lyall climb out of the house looking stressed but giving Sirius a weary smile.

James looked around before noticing what Sirius had already seen and rose to his feet as well before running to the house to ask after the werewolf's well-being. Sirius followed more slowly shaking his head at his friend's enthusiasm.

They may not have been fully aware of what they were getting themselves into two years ago when they decided to risk life and limb for the wolf sharing their dorm, but they would never give up, whatever the consequences they could face.

No one lives forever after all.

A/N) Okay, so important questions here guys. I'm thinking of opening a account for my fanfiction account, all of it not just this story as I think that would be more legally feasable. Firstly (and most importantly I really think it would prevent all these (frankly ridiculous) hiatus'. I go through. I'd feel horribly guilty if I went an entire month without publishing something if you guys were supporting it like that and I wouldn't let it happen if I could prevent it and at the rate I'm going it'll take me another four or five years to finish which is absurd, this would be wonderful motivation. Also a lot of people comment that I should publish this, which I can't do for obvious reasons.

As far as I can see there is no law against taking donations for fan works, and morally I don't have a problem with it because I have worked very hard on this even if the characters aren't mine. Though if I'm wrong please let me know with proof if possible.

So the questions are would y'all be interested in checking it out if I did and what kind of rewards would you be interested in? I was thinking for the largest donation (no more than like ten bucks prolly) I could give you guys the link to the google drive document so you can comment and read as I write or even chat with me if we're on at the same time.

So what do you think? It's not a guarantee, and it's just something I'm considering. Trying to think of ways to motivate me to write even when I don't feel like it so you guys don't have to wait a month in between chapters. If you guys think it's a bad idea I won't bring it up again.