Chapter 125

Therapist Wanted

James was not having a good week. Admittedly after the incident with Andrea things calmed down, and by calmed down, he meant they stopped blowing up constantly. But even then he was still left with an irate best friend who was trying to pretend he was fine. An irate Sirius meant that Peter was in a constant state of panic. That on top of Remus' condition he felt he was running on empty at all times. He was just waiting for Sirius to explode and for whatever was going to happen with Remus. And there was nothing he could do to prevent either one.

He'd never felt so helpless in his life.

Sirius had said his life was easy and normally he'd be right. James readily admitted he had it make. His parents were both wealthy and spoiled him rotten, he was smart and athletic and reasonably good looking his health was above average and it was rare for him to get anything worse than a cold. But what good was any of that now? He couldn't buy a cure for Remus, and being a brilliant chaser wasn't going to help Sirius with his problems.

The scion of one of the most wealthy families in England felt worthless.

It was painful watching his friends suffer, that had to count for something, right?

James gave a sigh, the medical wing was silent, empty save himself and a sleeping Remus. Sirius was still in the Room of Requirement while Peter was in the dorm (probably sleeping though he'd told them he was going to work on CoMC) He'd tried to convince Sirius at least to come over and see Remus before the werewolf had to leave for the Shrieking Shack. Remus had told them how to get in, but they'd still never been. Peter still wasn't convinced it wasn't haunted but no one was really concerned with what he thought. Really, they just didn't have time. It felt like they never had time lately, he didn't even have time to be here right now. He should be in the Room of Requirement, with Sirius, but he wasn't.

To be honest, he was afraid.

Remus was in poor shape and the full moon was upon them. If Remus made it through the night he'd be fine, but only if. The werewolf transformation was rough on the kid when he was in reasonable health, but in the state he was in there was no telling what would happen. He trusted Remus to be strong enough to survive, but he was still nervous. So many things could go wrong and Remus might not make it.

James had never lost anyone before, and he wasn't sure how to handle it. He didn't want to grieve because Remus wasn't dead, and he wasn't going to die, but James felt like he was anyway. Was this what grieving felt like? He didn's know, he'd never so much as killed a goldfish as a kid.

Now more than ever he realized how little his life up till now had prepared him for real life. There was a war going on, a friend of his had just lost her mother, and here he was trying to figure out what grieving was.

What exactly was the point of him if he couldn't help the people he cared about?

"James?" A weak, raspy voice cut through his thoughts and he raised his head to look at the speaker.

"Hey, Moony wasn't expecting you to wake up anytime before sunset." James forced a carefree smile on his face, it wouldn't do any good to make the werewolf worry over nothing.

"What are you doing here alone?" He asked James wanted to shush him, so he could reserve his strength for getting better but he knew Remus was getting tired of hearing it. He wasn't sure what to answer, though, he didn't want to lie.

"I dunno, guess I just wanted some quiet. Sirius has been really moody and he's scaring Wormtail." James shook his head and heaved a sigh. He hoped it didn't come off as though he was complaining. He had nothing to complain about.

Remus chuckled, wincing at the pain in his ribs. "Sounds like they're driving you crazy."

"When aren't they?" James replied with a laugh of his own. "You need to hurry up and get better because I can't handle them myself."

"Yeah," Remus smiled looking off in the distance, "I'll be fine, James, I wish you guys wouldn't worry so much."

"Yeah right." James gave him a smirk leaning lazily in the chair he was sitting in. It wasn't comfortable at all, but it looked cool so he didn't care. "If it was the other way around you'd be freaking out."

Remus pouted at his observation but couldn't hold it for long before erupting into giggles.

"We're your friends, Moony, of course, we're going to worry about you. What kind of brothers would we be if we weren't?" James readjusted himself in the chair, it really was uncomfortable.

"I just don't want you guys freaking out over me all the time. I'm always going to be ill, that's not going to change anytime soon. There's no point in stressing out over it." Remus shook his head and instantly regretted it judging from the expression on his face and how he held his head.

"Maybe you should go back to sleep," James suggested watching as Madam Pomfrey shuffled out of her office to perform some task before returning.

"Probably, but I've been sleeping so much lately. I don't want to." The werewolf gave an irritated sigh. "I'm going to have so much homework to make up aren't I?"

"Don't worry about it, you can copy mine," James said in a dramatic whisper. "They'll have forgotten what it said by now."

"Ha, yeah okay. That'll work." Remus gave another half-hearted smile. James hated beating around the bush like they were. The elephant in the room was trumpeting in his ears and he hated it. He wasn't a tactful person in general, he liked to get things out in the open. But Remus wasn't that kind of person, and if Remus didn't want to talk about it, he wasn't going to bring it up.

"Can't help with Arithmancy, though."

"No, I wouldn't think so." Remus rubbed his eyes trying to keep himself awake, James could see that it wouldn't work for long.

They talked for a little while longer before James' prediction came true and Remus succumbed to his drowsiness. James continued to sit at his side in silence. It wasn't something he did often, he liked movement and noise, he felt most at ease when surrounded by people. He was for all intents and purposes the definition of a social butterfly. But today he'd just had enough of people, for the first time in his life he understood what Sirius meant when he said that people sucked. He was tired of everyone trying to talk to him or impress him. None of them actually cared about him, and the only two of them who did he had no desire to be around at the moment.

The healer shooed him out of the medical wing about an hour before sunset, and for a lack of anything else to do he returned to the Room of Requirement. He might as well do something productive, even if he couldn't do much because of how distracted he was.

When he entered the magical room, however, it was empty. Thinking Sirius had just stepped out for dinner, or even to use the loo, James ignored it. He was even a little relieved. It was only after an hour that he began to worry. It wasn't like Sirius to leave the Room of Requirement on a full moon and with the mood the pup was in it probably wasn't a good idea to let him roam around the castle alone. And James headed out on the daunting task of finding Sirius Black in the middle of the night somewhere in the castle.

It wasn't hard, not even a little bit.

There were only two places Sirius had a habit of going during a full moon. When he wasn't in the magic Come and Go room he was usually brooding in the entryway. James didn't get it, it was so easy for him to get caught out after curfew and there was nothing to do and at this time of night, it would be cold.

As he made his way down to the aforementioned place he caught his quarry in question on his way back. At first, James was relieved his brother was fine, there was nothing to worry about there, he was even smiling.

But that were the real problem lay. That wasn't a smile James wanted to see. It was a satisfied sort of smirk, cocky and spiteful as well. And James had the horrible feeling he was too late.

"Padfoot, there you are. I went back to the Room of Requirement and you weren't there. I've been looking for you." James plastered on another fake smile, he'd been doing that a lot lately.

"What, don't think I can manage on my own for a few hours?" Sirius noticed him for the first time, the creepy smile fell, and he crossed his arms. James didn't appreciate the attitude

.

"You know that's not it." James held back a sigh, he didn't want Sirius to have more reason to complain.

"Well, you're probably wrong then." The smirk came back and he glanced back to the doors James followed his gaze. The feeling of dread increased and he knew he was going to regret asking.

"Sirius, what did you do?"

"Don't look at me like that, you hate the slimy arse as much as I do." Sirius rolled his eyes and James very nearly punched him.

"What did you do!" James was shouting at him by now prompting the younger boy to take a step back in alarm.

"He wouldn't leave me alone about where Moony went so I gave him what he wanted."

James felt his blood go cold, Snape was an idiot. There was no doubt he'd go after Remus and Remus would tear him to pieces.

"Are you stupid! Remus will kill him!" James didn't wait for an answer, maybe it wasn't too late.

Pushing his brother out of the way he ran for the Whomping Willow. Running on adrenaline he sped at top speed across the grounds and used a levitation spell to hit the knot on the living tree before he even reached it.

Throwing himself into the passage he could hear someone crawling trough it. He tried calling out but there was no response, cursing the stubborn idiot he delved deeper into the tunnel he lit the tip of his wand to prevent tripping in the dark.

"Snape!" He called again, no answer, but he heard a squeaking sound. A door opening?

He was running out of time.

James picked up the pace and he heard a growl just as he climbed out of the trapdoor. The sound made his skin crawl. He didn't stop to think after he exited the tunnel instinct taking over he flung a spell at the creature that now faced him pulling the other human behind him. The idiot just stood there staring into the eyes of the werewolf that shook off the future-stag's spell with only a hint of irritation. He couldn't really blame him, though werewolves look like normal wolves there was a fear involved with just the knowledge you were staring at a monster.

"Run, you idiot!' James yelled waking up the other boy who didn't hesitate. James allowed himself a second to grumble at how little the git cared about his rescuer's wellbeing, before firing a slightly better spell at his friend and running for his life. The werewolf whimpered in pain and growled louder in anger.

"Sorry, Moony." He whispered as dived back into the trapdoor and threw the door closed behind him. After about a minute of aimless panicked running before he tripped landing hard on the ground.

He sat there stunned as he heard the werewolf tearing things apart in it's search for him. He was positive he'd never been so scared in his life, the cause of this whole mess was no were to be seen, having run away with his tail between his legs the moment he could.

"James!" He heard Sirius' voice echo through the tunnel and James managed a smile. As mad as he was at Sirius for what he'd done, he couldn't help but appreciate just how much Sirius cared about them.

Which made what he did all that much more confusing. He cared about them that much so why would he do that to Remus?

"I'm here," James called back attempting the rise to his feet, his legs were shaky and he needed to lean on the tunnel wall to stay upright. Sirius found the future-stag and maneuvered James to lean on him.

"Are you hurt?" Padfoot asked, looking for blood.

"No, I got away in time. Scared me half to death, though." James answered as Sirius led him out of the passage, freezing the Whomping Willow on their way out.

As they made their way across the grounds his fear melted and his fury returned and the moment they were back in the castle he threw himself off Sirius and pushed the pup away. Sirius didn't look surprised, he likely had expected it a long time ago.

"What was that!" James yelled making his friend wince at the sudden noise. He said nothing angering the older boy even more. "Answer me!"

"He wouldn't leave me alone so I gave him what he wanted. I'm not sure what you want from me." Sirius shrugged, trying to look uncaring and cold, but it just wasn't working. Instead, there was an anxiousness in his eyes, and his hands were shaking.

"I want to know why you just sold out your friend for some cheap and pretty revenge." James bellowed, his hands were shaking for a completely different reason.

Sirius laughed a hollow, empty laugh. "Isn't it obvious?"

"Don't play games with me, Padfoot." James seethed, "I'm not in the mood."

"And you think I'm the dramatic one." Sirius mocked the empty laugh matched his empty smile. "It's because I don't care."

"You don't care, that's your excuse. You don't care that could very well have just gotten Remus expelled. It's one thing to get yourself in trouble, you deserve it, but Moony his done nothing wrong! You don't are that you could have destroyed your friend's entire future!" James was going to continue, but Sirius began laughing. It was c horrible, hysterical-sounding laugh.

"What future?" he asked through his laughter. "You mean the future where he carelessly kills himself because he's worried we're working ourselves to hard? Or the one where he accidently kills himself on a full moon and none of the, like five, people who actually give a crop can get to him before he bleeds out. Or maybe you mean the future where he purposefully kills himself because he finds out that his only friends blew themselves up trying to help him."

"That won't..." James started but Sirius interrupted him. He was really tired of getting cut off.

"Stop it! I'm sick and tired of your optimistic bull! You can't seriously think this whole animagi thing is actually going to work. I don't know if you've realized it yet but we're fourteen! Fourteen years old don't perform legendary feats of magic, fourteen-year-olds kill themselves doing stupid things for someone who's just going to end up dead anyway. And I'm done, I'm not playing these games anymore. Maybe not today, maybe not even next month, but he's going to die, there's nothing we can do about that and we're just fooling ourselves if we think we can."

"Don't punish Remus just because you're upset!" James yelled forcing himself to be heard over Sirius' rant.

"I'll do whatever I bloody want, you're not the boss of me," Sirius growled back. "Who do you think you are, my conscious or something?"

"Well, someone has to be since you won't keep yourself in check. You're not a bad person, Padfoot, so stop acting like it!" James heard movement somewhere and hoped whoever it was had just arrived.

"You keep saying that, over and over, but you're wrong. No matter how hard I try, it just keeps coming back. I'm not a good person, James. It's too late for that, as much as I want it to not be true I'm still just a Black and I can't change that." The anger had left his voice, replaced by regret and fear. He crossed his arms tightly as though he was trying to hold himself together.

James gave a small chuckle. "Four years and you still don't get it, do you. Sirius, the world isn't mad up of good people and... and death eaters. Everyone has both good and evil inside them, I'm sure even Voldemort's made some good decisions and his life. And look at me, just last month I punched you in the face for daring to suggest that I wasn't perfect. I'm a selfish, egotistical bully who can't take no for an answer." James paused to let it sink in. Sirius wasn't willing to look him in the eyes. "Padfoot, I know what Andrea said hurt you didn't spend much time with her but you still considered her a friend. But she hit you right where it hurts the most didn't she. She claimed you were no different than the rest of your family, she even told you to go back to the Slytherin house and claimed that it was where you belong."

"Stop it." Sirius pleaded, retreating a step. James wanted to, he really did. He knew he was hurting his friend even more, but Sirius had to acknowledge the problem or he'd never heal.

"And I'm not even going to go into the fact that one of your least favorite people in the world is spending more time with your little brother then you are," James added and Sirius winced at the reminder of what he'd been trying so hard to ignore.

James sighed and took a step further, hugging his brother for a moment before pulling away but still holding onto the pup's shoulders as he continued. "Andrea didn't mean what she said, Si, she was sad, hurt, and scared. So she lashed out, hoping to make someone else hurt too. Not unlike what you just did. I know you didn't mean to hurt Remus or cause him trouble. You were hurt and you took whatever opportunity you could to lash out. But you can't just do that, Padfoot, you're better than that. I know you are. I've seen you do it. Remember when we first discovered Remus was a werewolf? I've been taught my entire life that werewolves were just like us, but even I refused to believe you. I couldn't accept that my friend was a monster, but you, you accepted him for what he was immediately. Your only concern was that he would hurt himself. That was a good decision you made entirely on your own. Your parents didn't train you that way, in fact, just a year before you were on the floor half in tears because you were so confused about to believe regarding the creatures."

Sirius finally managed to look at James, the pup's brow was furrowed in his confusion. Sirius may not remember but James knew he would never forget. That was the day he'd realized just what he'd gotten himself into when he'd accepted Sirius as his friend. Not that he'd regretted it, he'd never regret befriending any of them, but he'd realized that the Black family's white sheep would always struggle between right and wrong. That his moral compass wouldn't always point north, and it was James' job to keep him on the right path.

When it had happened James had seen it as proof that his new friend needed his help. Now, though, when he looked back after Sirius hexed someone or was particularly mean, it was a reminder that his friend wanted to change. That Sirius wanted to be a good person despite it all.

It had happened after Slughorn had recognized Remus last name. James still didn't know all the details but Remus' father had, at one time, been very anti-werewolf. Slughorn had expressed agreement with Lyall's previous opinion and Sirius, without any knowledge of what Remus was, had defended the half-breeds. That wasn't a belief his family had trained him to believe, it wasn't even something James had taught him. That had been Sirius choosing to do the right thing and trying to be better than he was. And doing so with no prompting on James' part.

Looking back, that entire conversation must have been really awkward for the werewolf listening to it.

"Sirius, do you know why you're constantly being compared to a dog? Well, besides your name." James asked smiling as the pup grumbled something about not being a dog. "It's that loyalty and the love. Dogs are called man's best friend for a reason. They're always happy to see you when you come home they're right there wagging their tail and bouncing around. Just being around the people they care about is enough. But if you endanger the ones they care about they will tear you into pieces. You're so much like that, Padfoot, if you give that up you remove what makes you, you. You'd become that mutt that they use in those dog fights, cold, angry beasts who's sole purpose is to hurt people. Please don't become one of them. Don't make me watch you become that, Padfoot." James had a smile on his face now and he could see unshed tears in his brother's eyes. The future-stag laughed and ruffled Sirius' hair like he was petting a dog. "I love my puppy too much, I don't know what I'd do if I lost him."

Sirius smacked his hand away and grumbled about his hair, but there was laughter in his voice and a smile on his face.

And that had been James' goal all along.