Chapter 155

Depressing Holidays

It was hours before Remus finally returned home. Never had he ever seen The platform more crowded, families and aurors, and daily prophet-writers all pushing and shoving and desperate to see what was going on.

I'd been a mess.

His parents had pulled him out of the crowd as fast as they could, in case one of the reporters decided it was a good idea to interview the werewolf, and it still took them over an hour to get out of the station altogether.

He knew his parents were anxious to hear about what had happened, but they didn't ask. He was grateful. The last thing he wanted to do was relive it before he'd gotten some sleep.

Of course, that didn't exactly happen, this close to a full moon he'd have been lucky to get any sleep normally but that night he could barely close his eyes. Images of dead Hufflepuffs and compartments of body parts and blood Kept flashing behind his eyes. As a werewolf, he had a higher tolerance to violence and gone than most but he'd never seen a dead body before. He also, sort of wished he'd gone with Sirius and James, at least he'd be seeing the real thing I rather Than whatever his imagination thought had been there. His imagination could come up with some pretty twisted stuff.

Remus pulled his blanket over his head and curled up in a b all. He never wanted to see death again, but somehow he knew that was one wish that would never come true.

Remus told the tale at breakfast the next morning, though he hadn't slept a wink. They reacted as expected, horrified and tearful, his mother hugged him and told him how brave he was for fighting them off He didn't feel brave, he felt sick. Someone was dead, several people were dead.

He spent most of The day reading in his room. Hoping to escape real life for a while and hide in the world of his favorite novel.

It worked for the most part, every once in a while her be forced to remember he wasn't the captain of a starship, and Spock was not his first mate, but it wasn't until lunch that he had to return to the reality he lived in Realities whine entire cars of people just blow up and eleven-year-olds are tortured just cuz.

"James sent an owl for you earlier," Lyall said when Remus came out. "Did you manage to get any sleep?"

Remus shook his head, taking the letter from the table the Potter's owl must not have been interested in getting a reply because it was nowhere to be found. He read it as he ate, ignoring his parent's conversations and pretending he didn't notice they're worried looks at him.

the letter was drivel. Nothing important and highly repetitive it seemed to have been written as an excuse to distract himself without bothering Sirius. If Remus h we been in a better mood it might have been funny, James must have picked up the habit from Sirius because ranting about nothing wasn't a very James Potter thing to Do. Then again being scared wasn't c very James Potter thing to do, though he had every right to be afraid.

"Is he doing alright?" Hope asked when he set the letter down.

"Hm?" Remus blinked at her, forgetting she was even there, "Oh yeah, James is always okay." Remus wondered if they thought that sounded bitter, he hadn't meant it to so he added, "he wants to know if it's okay for everyone to come over Thursday."

It was the only part of the letter that had actually had a point, though it hadn't actually involved him asking to come over rather than plotting how to sneak in without alerting the parents. This way was just more logical… and sane.

"Thursday? But that's" Lyall looked at Hope and back at Remus.

"They've done it before, and I'd feel a lot better. You guys are always in the house so it's obviously safe enough…" Remus was going to continue, he wasn't sure why they'd only accompanied him on the full moon once, but he felt anxious about the idea of them not being there, but Lyall just shook his head with a smile on his face.

"Alright, alright, I know it's safe enough, I'm just surprised that's all."

"Then it's okay?"

"Your friends are always welcome here, Remus," Hope answered for him a bright smile on her face as well.

"Thanks, I'll go write him back." Remus rose from the table, half his lunch still uneaten, and returned to his room. The letter was short, rambling about nothing wouldn't help him feel better and he wasn't in the mood for chatting.

It was such a relief to curl back up on his bed that he didn't bother to get back up for dinner or breakfast the next morning. Only when the complaining in his stomach got painful did he emerge, book still in hand and tripping over things, for food. His parents checked in on him every once in a while though he didn't notice.

He was nearly finished with his collection of Star Trek novels and comic books by Thursday when he heard his mum call that his friends had arrived.

Placing his book down finally, and emerged from his room to greet them. They didn't have a fireplace, so Mr. Potter had to apparate them, but he didn't stay long.

James was excitable, a little too excitable even throwing an arm around Remus, forgetting naturally that an action like this was painful so close to the full moon, and laughing about Mrs. Potter's most recent attempts to torture Sirius via Christmas cards. Sirius just rolled his eyes and followed them inside the house.

"Where's Peter?" Remus asked gingerly shrugging off James' arm, he didn't seem to notice.

James' arm he didn't seem to notice.

"He had some sort of family thing he couldn't get out of, he'll be over later." James shrugged as they made they're way over to Remus' bedroom. Sirius stopped on the way at a question of his wellbeing from Hope and stayed behind to chat, so it was only James and Remus who entered the bedroom.

James plopped himself onto the bed first thing while Remus put the books he'd been randomly tossing away when he finished with them back into some semblance of an orderly pile so Sirius didn't have a heart attack when entering, or start cleaning out of compulsion. He wasn't quite sure the mood the pup was in at the time so either or neither were possible.

"What's this?" James was examining the book.

"Star Trek,"

"I can see that," James waved the front cover at him, "what's it about."

"Bunch of people go out in a giant space ship to explore space."

"Why?"

"Curiosity mostly, but it's sort of their job too."

James shrugged putting the book back down, being careful to keep the page marked, just as Remus had trained him. "Not much point, there's nothing out there,"

"How do you?" Remus smiled, it was such a normal conversation.

"Wizards have checked."

"They can do that?"

"Well sure, where do you think we get all that moon dust or asteroid juice for our potions from?"

"Guess I never thought about it."

"Space is boring,"

"Well not in that world, they've got aliens and intergalactic wars and stuff."

"James grinned at him, "oh I didn't say there weren't aliens, I just said that they're boring."

Remus blinked at him for several seconds, "how can aliens be boring?"

James chuckled flopping back on the bed and staring at the ceiling. "I can't believe you don't have a fireplace."

"Wooden house. Don't change the subject, what kinds of aliens?"

"Yeah, that makes a little sense."

"Don't change the subject,"

"This holiday sucks, first the train incident, now Sirius is too moody to have any fun,"

"Stop it,"

"Believe it or not, part of me just wants to get back to school and get it over with."

"James!" Remus pouted loudly, causing the stag to chuckle and throw himself back into a sitting position, he was smiling, but there was an edge to his eyes, that Remus didn't like. What's wrong with Sirius?" he relented sitting on the bed himself. Trying to not groan in pain as he did so whether he succeeded he wasn't sure but it didn't matter much as James took the opportunity to start talking again.

"Oh y'know, the usual. The world sucks, people suck, I hate everyone," he sighed.

"People died, James."

"That doesn't mean you should start moping all over the place."

Remus laughed a humorless and sad laugh, "actually, yeah it does." James looked at him. "You wanna know what I've been doing all week?

"What?"

Remus pointed at the books still in a messy pile and at the crisps, he'd brought back to his room when he decided it wasn't worth it to leave his room to eat. "Reading sci-fi novels and eating my weight in crisps so I don't have to face the reality I live in. We all deal with these things in our own way. Sirius gets moody, I gain ten pounds and memorize every word that comes out of Data's mouth, Peter pretends he has family things so he doesn't have to leave the house."

"Pretends?"

"Regardless, those things are perfectly natural, healthy even."

"There's no point in dwelling on the past," James argued, "you can't change it."

"That doesn't mean you just pretend it didn't happen."

"I'm not."

"I think you are. You didn't even mention it in that letter you sent me, and just now you called it the 'train incident' a bit impersonal don't you think?"

"I don't…"

"You want us to know everything will be okay." Remus didn't let him answer, "but that's the problem, James. Everything isn't okay. It's not okay and that sucks. It'll probably never be okay again. War, or whatever they're calling it so they don't have to admit it is what it is, is never okay. We know that, Sirius and I probably Peter too, and we choose to deal with the unfairness of life in our own ways. You're the one being slow this time, James. And you have no idea how ruddy good it feels to say that." Remus grinned at him to show that no ill intentions were meant, but he needn't have bothered.

"I just want everyone to be happy." James explained.'

"We are happy, James. I've never been happier, so I'm brooding in m room all day long eating stale crisps drowning my sorrows in sci-fi and Spock, who says I can't be happy at the same time. I've got great friends who all worked incredibly hard to help me in a way no one else ever could have, who are here taking time out of their Christmas holiday just to make sure I don't tear out my own spleen at some point during the night. But I've also just seen a dead teenager lying on the floor of the compartment right next to mine. I think we're entitled to a little moodiness, don't you?"

"But… you're alright?"

"I'm fine, James, Peter's fine Sirius well it's hard to say for him, he might not be fine, but he will be, someday. It's not okay, and we know that, but we're fine, so we'll get through it."

"That makes almost no sense," James laughed.

Remus smiled too, "the point is stop worrying so much about us and stop hiding you own feeling to make us feel better."

James pulled his feet up on the bed and hugged them. "I'll work on it, okay? It's not me that I"m really worried about though,"

"That's the problem."

James smiled at him in response looking a little down now, it didn't feel right to be glad a friend was sad, but in this case, he thought he just might be.

"Have you guys seen today's prophet?" Sirius climbed into the room, newspaper in hand. He looked at the both of them and must have seen something suspicious because he asked: "am I interrupting something."

"Nothing, what's in the paper?" James tried but Remus grinned.

"We were only talking about Prong's feelings."

James threw a pillow at him.

"Good," Sirius replied ignoring James, "I'm sick of talking about mine."

"I haven't mentioned your feelings all holiday!"

"No, you've been watching me like you expect me to go off myself at any time. It's annoying, it's not like it's the first dead person I've ever seen." James blinked at him, realizing Sirius was much less affected by the whole issue than he'd thought no doubt.

"Then why have you been avoiding me all week?!"

"I just told you, you're being annoying."

"You started it."

Sirius laughed, "yeah sure, okay."

Remus giggled as James realized made the whole issue up in his head and Sirius had actually been acting perfectly normal all week.

"You've been projecting all your fears on you Sirius," Remus told him quiet enough that Sirius would hear. It was rare to see James go red, but he could have been compared to a tomato. Sirius didn't even seem to notice.

"I guess so."

Remus smiled at him his point proven.

"Sorry, Pads."

"Huh? What for?" Sirius looked bac and forth between them looking for all the world like he was missing something.

"Being annoying, obviously."

"Oh, I'm used to that," Sirius said matter of factly, "but look the train thing is in the prophet."

James took the paper Sirius handed him.

"Has been since Monday, what's so special bout this one?"

"This one has names."

Remus raised an eyebrow as James skimmed over the article itself like he'd read others like it. Remus hadn't bothered, looking back maybe he should have. He read out the names, most of which Remus didn't recognize.

They must have been one of the ones who stayed behind to fight in the back car, she was a lot braver on her feet than in the air."

"Stayed behind?"

"Yeah, most of the car managed to get out apparently because a group of people attempted to fight off the attackers. It must have been obvious what they were trying to do."

James tossed the paper on the bed away from him, shaking his head and curling on himself. No one said anything, their get together far less enjoyable than it had ever been, but Remus thought, that was fine too because sometimes it's fine for things to not be okay.

Peter didn't arrive until nearly five in the afternoon, not long before the sun actually went down, and just as Remus suggested it seemed he'd been bed all morning. Remus didn't begrudge him this, in fact, he almost wanted to congratulate him on how good of a lie it was, if Remus hadn't noticed the fuzzy socks, something Peter only wore to bed during the winter in fear of getting teased, he might have believed it himself. James and Sirius certainly didn't notice, which no doubt, was who the lie was intended for.

"Did you see the prophet today?" Peter asked when they'd once again vacated to Remus' bedroom.

James pointed at the newspaper on the bed and nodded.

"We weren't in it," Peter said looking at James.

"It only talked about the victims."

"Oh right."

"I feel like we could have done more," James said softly, his eyes shifting to Remus as though acknowledging their previous conversation and telling Remus he'd been listening.

"We heard the fight, but there was no way we could have known it was serious," Remus responded shaking his head.

"Moony's right, Prongs." Sirius was leaning, half-sitting, on the desk for a lack of chairs in the room. As host, Remus should have stood and let him sit on the bed but he was too sore to much care, Sirius probably wouldn't accept anyway.

"I know but…" James pushed himself even further back on the bed, I never want to be in that position again."

"What being unable to help someone?" Remus asked looking from James to Sirius, "If you plan on fighting you probably will. You can't save everyone."

"I can try."

"How?" Peter asked looking up at James from the floor, Remus wasn't sure if he looked frightened or just confused. "Are you going to be an auror?"

Sirius chuckled, "Really, Wormtail? Can you see either of us able to get through auror training?"

Now it was easy to tell Peter looked confused.

"Why now?" What's auror training like?" Remus asked, curious himself. He'd seen aurors but knew very little about them

"Strict," James answered in one word and Remus understood entirely.

"Nah, I'd rather just knock out a few death eaters myself before trying to work with their rules and paperwork." Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Oh, yeah now that I think about it, you two in any kind of military program is just asking for disaster." He smiled at their identical mischievous grins, "But what will you do then?"

"You remember that time we eavesdropped on McGonagall and Dumbledore?"

"On her birthday?"

"No, before that, when we put the homunculus charm on the map. Sirius waited only long enough to see Remus nod. "It sounded like they had some kind of army."

"The order thing? You don't even know what it really is."

"Well we're gonna find out, but they probably won't tell us till we're seventeen."

"We're thinking about nagging McGonagall about it."

"It does sound like something Dumbledore would do, recruit a team to fight the dark wizards, we could ask her about it when she does the career thing around the spring holidays."

"The what?"

"The career consultation or whatever she does with the fifth years, it'll be our turn this year we can ask her about it then, she might take us more seriously then." They both looked at him without comprehension. "You guys never noticed all the fliers and pamphlets that appear in the common room every year?"

"Are you kidding? Why would I notice random litter in the common room? There are papers everywhere, like every day."

Remus sighed, "You lot need to pay more attention. Every year McGonagall meets with each fifth year individually to talk about what they want to do when they get out of school and gives advice about where they should focus for OWLs and NEWTs."

"Dull,"

"Regardless, we should ask about it then."

"I suppose."

"I assume you're planning on joining us then?" James grinned at Remus, it was a cocky, challenging grin that made Remus smile as well.

"Might as well, not like I've got much to lose. I never much expected to live a long life anyway."

James opened his mouth, whether to argue or to reprimand Remus for his pessimism he never found out because just then Lyall opened the door, reminding him of the time and that he should probably get himself settled downstairs.

James' "We'll see you later," was loaded chock full of promises that Remus just couldn't help but smile at.

A/N) I can't guarentee a new chapter next weekend. It's gonna be busy for me, but thank you all for being patient with me. I've been making a lot of progress on my original work and it's nice to not have readers breathing down my back constantly and guilt triping me to work on this rather than that.