Previously in the Darklyverse: Rumors flew around the castle about the Gryffindors' involvement in Elisabeth and Millie's deaths. Following the first combined Order of the Phoenix meeting, Emmeline suggested continuing to educate Hogwarts students by forming a student organization to talk about issues surrounding purity and the war. After Sirius and Remus kissed, Sirius tried sort out his complicated feelings for Remus. When Sirius attempted to get back to normal—including being physically affectionate with Remus like always—Remus responded by avoiding him. James's mother contracted spattergroit, leading James to realize that he'd been pushing his parents away in favor of his codependent relationships with the other Gryffindors.

Revised version uploaded 14 January 2022. The revision references events from the prequel fic, Legacy, but it's not necessary to read Legacy to understand this chapter.

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September 12th, 1977: Sirius Black

The days leading up to the first meeting of the group's new student organization are strained, to say the least. Whispers continue to follow Sirius wherever he goes, and while he's heard that there's a lot of interest among the student body in attending, he suspects that plenty of those people are only interested because they want to hear about exactly what went down at the ambush last May.

It frustrates Sirius a little that those involved who aren't Gryffindor seventh years—Frank Longbottom, Edgar Bones, even Dorcas Meadowes and the Prewetts before the three of them graduated—have largely escaped association with Sirius's cohort and avoided the brunt of the rumors. He knows that the Gryffindor seventh years were widely rumored to have been behind the unity pranks last year that led up to that day in the clearing, so when Dumbledore announced that Liz and Millie's murders were the result of a run-in with Death Eaters, the student body quickly associated Sirius's class with whatever tussle they imagined must have happened. Still, a large part of Sirius wishes that people would, frankly, shut the hell up about matters they don't understand. He does feel bad for Benjy Fenwick, though: his girlfriend was one of the ones killed, and a different sort of whispers has been tailing him, too, all over the castle.

Trying to plan the itinerary for the first meeting of War Stories, as they're calling the org, turns out to be a bit of a nightmare. For one thing, including Eddie, Frank, and Benjy in the planning means finding a time that works for eleven people and that they can do without drawing too much of Mary's attention to their absence. They end up holing up after dinner and James's subsequent Quidditch tryouts on Monday in the passageway behind the mirror that they gave to Dorcas for Order liaison meetings. (James finds himself holding tryouts without Sirius there to maintain his position as Beater on the Gryffindor team this year. While James is Captain this year and has been throwing himself into Quidditch practice to distract from what's going on with his parents, Sirius, for his part, finds himself unable to muster up any interest in Quidditch games when they have much, much bigger problems to worry about.)

So there they are, in the cavern behind the mirror on the fourth floor, carefully putting together what the hell they're going to say to what could prove to be a massive audience about the deaths and the war without outing anyone as a member of the underground resistance that is the Order. "We should open with a moment of silence," Benjy pushes, "for Liz and Millie."

Sirius and James exchange a look. "Are you sure that's the best idea? It's not that we shouldn't memorialize them, but do we really want to draw attention to—?"

"So? We all know that everyone's already going to be thinking about them. We owe it to them to honor them—acknowledge their sacrifices. Isn't this organization supposed to be all about encouraging people to understand why deaths like theirs keep happening?"

"I'm not saying this has been easy on you, Ben—you've had it the worst out of all of us—but the rumors haven't extended to you nearly as much as they have to us. With all due respect, you don't know what it's been like."

"'With all due'—are you kidding me? You want to gloss over the most meaningful deaths this school has seen in modern history because you're sick of people gossiping about you?"

"It's not like that," says Marlene quietly. "People talking about us—we can handle that. But—this org is all about encouraging people to go out there and make a difference after they graduate, and we're never going to accomplish that if we let it devolve into people making accusations against us that we keep dodging."

"But they're already making those accusations. We can't run from them."

"Benjy's right," says Lily quietly. "It would be remiss of us to try and cover up the significance of their deaths just because it's going to be uncomfortable. It's already uncomfortable. Whether we like it or not, the rumors are out there—at least if we address them head on, we can try to control the narrative."

"And we won't look like we're trying to hide something," Emmeline adds.

"But we are trying to hide something. We got two people killed, remember?" Peter points out. "Vigilantism is completely illegal. If the Ministry gets word of our involvement… if it spirals beyond just Hogwarts rumors…"

"It's going to spiral anyway if we don't do what Lily said and control the conversation," says Remus.

There's a long pause, and then James says, "All right. So—we give Millie and Liz a moment of silence, and we memorialize them, and we hope to hell that we don't have to deflect too many questions before we move onto our main agenda, which is…?"

"Asking everybody to check their privilege," says Lily promptly. "We'll talk about some of the most common forms of prejudice Muggle-borns face, and then we'll open the floor up so people can share stories about how wizarding purism has affected them in their everyday lives."

When they've planned what they can, they squeeze back out through the mirror and set off for their respective common rooms. Since they're going the same direction, Sirius falls in line with Remus and tries to start up a conversation, any conversation, with him, but Remus just looks at the ground they're walking across and yeahs and uh-huhs his way through Sirius's very one-sided efforts.

Remus scurries up into the boys' dorm as soon as they reach the common room, and Sirius decides that he has had it with skirting around the point with him. "Give me some time alone with Remus, okay?" he says to James and Peter, and then he kisses Marlene goodnight and heads up the stairs to the dormitory.

Remus gives a start when Sirius pulls the door shut behind him. "Hi," says Remus quietly, and then he looks back at his books, until Sirius throws himself onto Remus's bed and sends them flying everywhere.

"We need to talk, dude," says Sirius when Remus indignantly starts to protest. "Tell me what I need to do to go back to the way things were."

There's a long pause as Remus tips his head back against the wall and closes his eyes. "I don't know if we can," he says finally.

"Okay," says Sirius, even though nothing about this is okay, "then tell me what I need to do so we can move forward. I hate not talking to you, Moony. I hate it."

"I don't understand you," says Remus after another pause. "You obviously have feelings for Marlene and not… well. But you keep touching me."

"But we used to touch like that all the time. I still touch Wormy and Prongs like that all the time, and so do you."

"Yes, but with them, I don't… you have to know that things are different between us now that you know about—about me. I'm not trying to throw a hissy fit; I just… it's like you're throwing it in my face." Sirius reaches up to brush Remus's cheek with his thumb, but Remus flinches away from the contact.

"So, what? You never want me to touch you again? Because I can do that, if that's what you need," says Sirius, even though he feels a sharp pang of loss at the thought of it.

"Of course I don't want that," Remus says, "but yeah. Yeah, I think maybe that's better."

"If we do this, will you come back to me? Because I can't stand never seeing you—or Wormtail, for that matter. Prongs needs us, dealing with what he's dealing with with his parents, and—I need you. If you're going to stay gone, then I don't know… I just don't know."

And he means every word of it. He's gone without Remus for months now, and as much as he's been telling himself that Marlene and James and Lily are enough, he feels like he can't breathe without knowing that the other Marauders—all of them—have his back. It doesn't gross him out if Remus has feelings for him—Sirius just wants to do what he needs to do to get his mate back.

He realizes that he hasn't actually told this to Remus yet, so he slowly adds, "It's okay with me if—if you feel the way you feel. That doesn't bother me. I just want you in my life."

Remus lets out a shuddering breath. "I've missed you. A lot," he admits.

"I've missed you, too. Let's never leave each other alone again, all right?"

Remus looks like he's about to tell Sirius that he can't promise that, and Sirius braces himself for rejection, but instead Remus says quietly, "All right."

He's overjoyed to have Remus back in his life, who has been missing from being there in a meaningful way for entirely too long. Sirius hopes sincerely that Remus doesn't feel like he needs space to figure Sirius out, or at least that if he ever felt that way, that he's sorted it out and is happy to be friends again as of late. Remus keeps him grounded; he reins Sirius in when his pranks get too cruel or his jokes too hurtful, and he welcomes the opportunity to connect without ever asking for it or even believing he deserves it, even though Sirius knows that Remus deserves everything there is to give him. Remus is a much better person than Sirius is, but Sirius is better because of him, and he'd do anything for him, too.

But—can Sirius really say that that's true when he won't love Remus back the way he thinks Remus loves him?

He tries for just a few moments to imagine being in that kind of a relationship with Remus. Sure, he could be happy coming home to Remus every night—having him as a steady presence for Sirius to come home to and take with him when he leaves. But could he be happy with the physical relationship that would come with it?

Sirius allows himself to think back to the one time they kissed, sitting there on Remus's bed with Remus's lips on his, biting his lip a little, touching his hip with his hand. It was nice, sure. Just as nice as kissing Marlene is. But could he—?

He squeezes his eyes closed and spectacularly fails to block the mental images that come with that train of thought. It makes him feel sort of dirty and gross inside, but is that because he's grossed out, or because he's ashamed that he's not grossed out? Sirius can't tell.

And if he's being completely honest with himself—this isn't the first time he's ever thought about Remus's body in a sexual way. It may have been fleeting—Sirius may have pushed it out of his mind—but there was a day in fourth year, after he started sleeping with Marlene, when he talked to Remus about sex, about what she liked and what he, Sirius, liked, too. Remus had been totally enthralled; Sirius's heart had raced; he'd assumed Remus was just turned on thinking about girls like that, but he realizes now that Remus was probably turned on thinking about Sirius. And Sirius—after James and Peter interrupted their conversation, there had been a moment when Sirius pictured whether Remus, later that night, would fantasize about that very conversation, and—he hadn't felt disgusted by it. He hadn't felt disgusted by it at all.

It doesn't matter, he reminds himself: he's with Marlene now, and after all the bullshit they had to go through to get here, Sirius doesn't want to risk doing anything that could jeopardize his relationship with her. He doesn't need to have all the rest of it figured out—whether or not Sirius could ever have romantic feelings for Remus is a nonissue. He has Remus back as a friend, and that's the most Sirius could hope to ask for.

He can hardly believe his luck when Remus makes a beeline for him at breakfast the following morning. "Here," says Sirius, scooting to make room for Remus on his left, and he fights the urge to clap Remus on the shoulder when he sits down and reaches for the oatmeal.

"Where are Alice and Mary?" asks James after swallowing a mouthful of cereal. "Alice is going to be late to Transfiguration if she gets here much later."

"Mary was running a few minutes later than me when I left the dorms," says Lily. "Don't know about Alice, though—she'd already left; I didn't see her leave."

"Probably sitting with Dirk again," Marlene says.

Sirius cranes his neck to take a look at the Ravenclaw table. He doesn't see Alice there, but then, it's hard to make anybody out from that far away with the way students are jammed in. He makes eye contact with Dana Madley, who immediately covers her mouth with her hand and starts whispering to Charlotte Fawcett, and he throws up his hands and snaps, "I can't. I'm going to grab something from the kitchens before class."

"Sirius—"

"I can't take the way people keep looking at us. I can't take it."

But James doesn't accept this, following Sirius all the way out of the Great Hall and along the walk to the kitchens. "You're not alone, Padfoot. You're not the only one going through this. We're all dealing with rumors, and—"

"It's not just about the rumors. You know it's not. It's about—they're dead, Prongs, and I…"

"You think any of us don't know that? You think I don't know that? I was in the Hospital Wing when Liz died in that cot right in front of me, and now my parents…"

Shit. Of course James is pissed at him for not holding it together in the face of all the gossip: after all, it shouldn't be James's responsibility to take care of Sirius right now, not when he's coping with what he's coping with. And yet—Sirius didn't ask James to put his own problems on pause to pull Sirius together. If that's what James is trying to do—

"Can we be real with each other for a second?"

James narrows his eyes, but his tone is casual when he says, "Shoot."

"You're my brother, and I love you," says Sirius, "but—I don't need you to be there for me right now. I need to be there for you right now. We need to get our priorities straight—both of us."

James twists his lips. "I appreciate that, but—"

"No buts. I mean it."

"But," he insists, "I don't… I just—if I'm busy planning War Stories and taking care of you and everyone else, then I don't have to…"

And doesn't Sirius know that exact feeling? Isn't that exactly how he and Marlene started back in fourth year—because burying his feelings about Emmeline and Regulus and all of it underneath another person was the only way he could think to cope? "I'll make you a deal. I'll try harder not to get riled up about the rumors if you try to—give yourself a little breathing room. Sound fair?"

He's expecting James to perk up a little, maybe flash Sirius a sheepish smile—but he doesn't. "That's the whole problem," he whispers instead. "I wasted all my time with them, Padfoot. My mum's probably going to die of this—and my dad's probably going to catch it from her and die, too—and for the last six-plus years of my life, I've been blowing them off for the Gryffindors, and for what? Because I feel like I'm nothing without you all. Because I feel like I can't breathe when I'm not around you.

"I should be taking this as a wake-up call. I should be taking some distance and working on myself. I've known it since Dad told me Mum was sick—and what did I spend the whole summer doing? Hiding out with you and Lily. Doing what felt good when I knew it was wrong just because I didn't want to deal."

"So… what?" says Sirius slowly, processing this. "Are you saying you want me and Lily to leave you alone a little?"

"God, no," James breathes. "Maybe you should—no, I know you should—but I don't know how I would survive if either of you backed off. I just…"

Sirius hasn't got a clue what to say—because if he's being totally honest with himself, when he thinks about James and Remus and Marlene, he feels the exact same way. Instead, he pulls James into a rough hug and just—holds on.