Previously in the Darklyverse: Marlene and Sirius broke up, while Remus and Sirius lingered on the verge of beginning a romantic relationship. Emmeline found herself trapped inside St. Mungo's with no end in sight following a suicide attempt.

Revised version uploaded 26 January 2022. I've been cutting down on the love triangle while making revisions to Book 2, but unfortunately I can't figure out how to reduce it very much throughout CH67-74, so you're stuck with most of it for the next 8 chapters.

xx

January 8th, 1978: Sirius Black

Sirius knows it's been longer than the month he asked Remus for before they could—well—start dating, basically. The only time they saw each other (or talked at all) over Christmas break was the night of Christmas Day, when Remus got into another fight with his parents about the Wolfsbane Potion and ended up spending the full moon that night in Sirius and Lily's living room, curled up on the couch sleeping through the night. But he was gone the next morning before Sirius could so much as say hello, and Sirius didn't see him again until they all got on the Hogwarts Express this past Monday so that classes could resume the next day.

Remus has been watching him—Sirius can feel his eyes on him every day. To Remus's credit, he doesn't try to push or cajole Sirius into doing anything before he's ready, but Sirius knows Remus is expecting something to happen, and it's his own damn fault for telling Remus he ought to expect it.

It's not that Sirius has changed his mind. He doesn't feel disgusted when he thinks about the possibility of himself and Remus becoming more than friends. But he doesn't know whether the twinge in his gut is excitement or dread. He keeps asking himself, does he really want everything that's going to come with a romantic relationship with Remus, or is he not going to be able to stomach the physical parts?

But James is right: he can't think his way through it; the only way he's going to figure it out for himself is by trying it and seeing how he feels about it. So after breakfast, when they get back to the common room, Sirius says as casually as he can muster, "Moony, can I have a word with you upstairs for a minute?"

Up in the dormitory, Sirius feels like all the words he could say have fallen out of his head. "Um," he starts, and then he stops again, feeling like a dumbarse.

"Is this about what I think it's going to be about?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I think it is."

"Are you—you haven't changed your mind, have you?"

"No. No, I haven't."

Remus visibly relaxes. Remus is still standing by the door, but he slowly steps over piles of clothing and situates himself next to Sirius on the edge of his bed. He raises one hand and tentatively puts it on top of Sirius's. "Is this okay?"

"Yes," Sirius says helplessly.

Remus reaches over with his other hand to cup Sirius's cheeks. "Is this okay?" he repeats.

Sirius considers it. It feels weird for the hand on his face to be big and rough and calloused, but it doesn't feel wrong—just different from what Sirius is used to, what he would expect. Is he all right with this, he asks himself? "Yes," he says again.

"Want me to slow down?"

Sirius focuses on how warm Remus's skin is, the soft pressure of Remus's hand squeezing his, and his eyes drop to Remus's lips. "No," he says.

To Sirius's surprise, Remus moves one hand to Sirius's back, the other to the back of his neck, and pulls Sirius into a long hug. This is okay, Sirius tells himself as he hugs back. It's just a hug—he can handle a hug.

"I don't really know what I'm doing," Remus admits, his breath falling hot on Sirius's ear, and Sirius shivers. "I've never done this before."

"Me, either. Not, you know, with another bloke."

"You still know more than me," says Remus, and when he pulls back, Sirius can see him smiling.

"Well," says Sirius, "I think this is the part where you kiss me."

"Right," says Remus softly.

When Remus starts closing in, it suddenly feels like everything is happening much too fast. He thinks he's supposed to be steadying himself for what's coming, but he can't seem to figure out what thoughts to think to try and prepare himself for what Remus is about to do, and Remus is coming at him much too fast to give him any time to do any preparing, anyway. He buys himself an extra second or two by coughing into his shoulder, but then he tilts his face back toward Remus and braces for impact.

Kissing Remus is—okay, a little weird, but not any weirder than it was when he had his first kiss with Emmeline and didn't know what to expect at all. Remus is very gentle and doesn't move his lips much—probably because he's nervous, Sirius realizes—and then he feels incredibly stupid for feeling nervous himself. He knows more than Remus does about this; Remus isn't some gay guru who's going to judge Sirius harshly on his inexperience.

So Sirius very slowly guides them into a sort of push-and-pull, biting gently at Remus's upper lip and then soothing it with the tip of his tongue. Remus kind of gets the hang of it pretty quickly, even if he still seems a little self-conscious, and Sirius is just starting to feel like this could become normal to him when Remus tips his forehead against Sirius's and pulls his mouth away.

When Remus doesn't say anything to break the ice, Sirius figures he should say something, but he doesn't have any idea what. What do you say to somebody whom you've just gotten to know in an entirely new light? "Oh," he says finally, and he could kick himself for how stupid he sounds.

"Oh," repeats Remus.

He sort of wants to break the awkward silence by making some sort of joke about Remus achieving some milestone of manhood, but he's worried it would just sound like he was poking fun at Remus for not having any sex or relationship experience, so he holds it in. Remus eventually adds, "Did I, um—was that good?"

Sirius laughs; it sounds shaky, so he makes himself stop quickly. "Yes. That was really good. Different from what I'm used to, but not in a bad way."

"Okay," Remus mumbles, his eyes boring into Sirius's, and then he looks down and leans in again for a very quick press of lips. When Sirius laughs again, it sounds a lot more like his usual self.

He kind of wants to stay up here and kiss Remus some more, but he doesn't want to move too fast and freak out Remus (or, honestly, himself). On the other hand, he doesn't want to immediately drag Remus down to go see a bunch of other people without having any time to process what just happened. So Sirius compromises by scooting back against the headboard and just sitting side by side with Remus with their legs stretched out in front of them. He tips his head against Remus's shoulder, because it feels right, and Sirius doesn't know how much time passes, but he's just starting to think about kissing Remus again when the door opens and James and Peter walk in.

"Hey," says Peter, clearly not suspecting that anything is up, and Sirius realizes that of course he's not going to think anything of Sirius laying his head on Remus's shoulder—they all do this kind of thing with each other all the time.

Fortunately, James is aware of what's been going on and says, "Right on! So you two—did you—?"

"Um, yeah," says Sirius hoarsely, and James grins. When Remus first told James what the deal was between Remus and Sirius, James definitely acted odd around Sirius for a little while there, but Sirius is glad to see that James has apparently made his peace with what's going on and isn't going to make them feel badly about it. It's good because Sirius doesn't know how many of their friends, let alone the rest of the school, are going to be okay with Sirius presumably rebounding from Marlene with Remus, especially since Remus is a man—he's going to need all the support he can get.

"What about them, Prongs?" Peter asks casually, digging through the contents of his trunk.

"We're kind of…" Remus begins, and then he trails off, looking lost.

"Dating," says Sirius firmly. "We'll see what happens, but—Moony and I are dating."

Peter looks shocked. "How long has this been on the horizon?"

"A while now, actually," Sirius mumbles. He and Remus only knew it for sure for the last month and a half, but if you count Remus kissing Sirius last May—yeah, things have been brewing for some time now.

"And you told Prongs and not me? I know I've been hanging around Em a lot the last few months, but you could have told me."

"Sorry, Wormy," says Remus, and he sounds like he means it. "Next time anything happens with me, you'll be the first to know. Or, you know, all three of you as soon as I can chase you down."

"Me, too," says Sirius.

Peter rolls his eyes but looks a little heartened. "My best mates get together and don't even tell me what's happening," he mutters. "Honestly."

"Just don't start having sex in here when the rest of us are sleeping or something," says James strictly. "I know you live together and it's tempting, but have a little dignity."

Sirius salutes, while Remus buries his face in his hands and sighs.

The next big hurdle is figuring out who to tell when. Remus says that Mary already knows what's going on, but Sirius doesn't know how Lily or Alice will react, or Em, for that matter—he knows he needs to be the one to tell her, and he thinks she accepted a long time ago that he's never going to feel the same way about her that he used to, but with her suicidal in the hospital, he's terrified of setting off a domino effect that messes her up even more. Still, he thinks it would be worse to try and hide it from her, so that when she gets out, everybody has known for weeks except for her.

That's assuming she gets released in weeks. He tries not to consider the alternative.

And then, of course, there's Marlene, who is going to respond badly no matter what. She'll know it's coming, so it at least won't be a shock, but—Sirius doesn't really want to think about how angry and hurt she's going to be when he tells her. And he knows he has to tell her himself—that it would be so much worse for her to find out from anybody but him.

Eventually, Sirius and Remus agree to have Sirius tell Marlene tonight, and James and Peter promise not to tell anyone else until he does so. Technically, Sirius could leave the dormitory right then and there to track her down and share the news, but like a coward, he hides behind Remus in the common room the whole day until dinner. Finally, he can't put it off any longer, especially not if he still wants to catch Emmeline before visiting hours are over. He scans the common room for Marlene and finds her sitting with Lily and Mary. "You tell them if I tell Marlene?" he bargains with Remus, who nods.

He walks over, dragging out his steps as slowly as possible. "Can I talk to you for a few minutes, Marlene?" he asks.

She exchanges a significant look with Lily and then says, "Yeah."

"Up here," says Sirius, and he leads her up the stairs to his dormitory.

He hasn't had Marlene up here since—well, since she used to be his girlfriend. He doesn't sit down, hoping that this won't take long. "So, um…" he starts.

"I miss you," she says. "I miss you so much, I feel like I can't breathe. I don't need you to be my boyfriend, if you don't want that anymore—I know I screwed that up by leaving—but I can't do this by myself. I need you in my life somehow. Somewhere. Anywhere. We can start over, you know? Clean slate. No more baggage. I can't keep doing this without you, I just can't."

What he has to do suddenly feels about ten times harder than it did before. "I wanted you to hear from me," he starts to say, "that Remus and I—"

But something behind her eyes shuts down, and she holds up a hand to stop him before he can finish. "I don't need to hear this," she says flatly.

"I mean… you can't avoid it forever. You'll see us around each other, and people are going to be talking about it."

"Just give me this," she says. "Tell whoever you need to tell, but don't do it in front of me. I'll be in my dormitory the rest of tonight. Just give me that long."

"Marlene…"

She turns around with her hand already on the doorknob. She looks more sad than angry.

"I do still love you. I think I'm going to always love you," says Sirius.

He'd hoped that this knowledge would bring her comfort, but she just shakes her head and slips out the door.

Emmeline takes the news much better as he awkwardly trips over his words trying to explain that no, Remus isn't his boyfriend—at least not yet—but they're something more than friends, and it's partly physical. "That's great, Sirius," she says. "Seriously. It's so hard to find things that make you happy in this life, and you and Remus deserve to be happy."

"Really? You're not—freaked out or anything? You don't think it's gross?"

"Why would I think it's gross?"

"Well, it's not exactly normal, two blokes shacking up."

"Normal is overrated," says Em.

"And you're not going to take Marlene's side?"

Emmeline frowns. "Didn't she break up with you?"

"Yeah, but she's… I mean, I don't expect Lily or Mary is going to be very happy with us."

"Marlene's a big girl. She can take care of herself, and it's not really any of her business who you see after she left you."

"And you're not… this isn't…?"

Sirius spits out a mouthful of ash, desperately wishing he had his hands here so he could wipe the soot out of his face. Emmeline says, "If you're trying to ask me if I'm jealous, I'm not. I miss you, and I regret how we left things, but I'm past all that now."

"I regret how we left things, too," says Sirius. "I was too hard on you last year."

"I was way too hard on you in fourth year," Emmeline counters. "Let's call it even?"

"Yeah. Yeah, that sounds like a plan." He clears his throat. "Anyway, how are you? How are things in here?"

"Same old," says Em. "I'm just… it's fine. I'm fine, really."

Sirius suspects that there is a lot more to the story that Emmeline isn't letting on, but that's fair enough: everything they're saying is being closely monitored, and he doesn't want to pressure her to say anything that might have repercussions of some kind. "Did you talk to Peter earlier?"

"I did," she says, nodding. "I'm surprised he didn't say anything to me about you and Remus."

"We asked him and James not to spread it around until I talked to Marlene," says Sirius. "I hope you're not getting too lonely in here. Two Floo conversations a day isn't very much."

"Some of the other patients are cool," says Emmeline, "not that I've talked to anybody very much—but I do at mealtimes and stuff. People are friendly. I don't usually go to groups because I don't find the exercises very helpful, but when I do go, people are perfectly nice to me. And then I talk to my—he's not a Healer, but—the staff member on my case every day."

"And he's friendly, too?"

Sirius can immediately tell from the look on Em's face that the staffer responsible for her is not friendly like the other patients are. She opens and closes her mouth a few times, and then Sirius's brain kicks in. Change the subject. "So, um, I was thinking that when we get out of here, we should do more things together. You know, you must be getting bored of seeing nobody but Peter day in and day out."

"Yeah, I would like that," Em says. "I'd like that very much."

When Sirius smiles, she smiles back.